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General Discussion & Feedback => Just Chat! => Topic started by: jolly on 22/07/2007 13:07:00

Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: jolly on 22/07/2007 13:07:00
Come one and all and please post your jokes, funny stories from your day or past, or other peoples.

It is in the end all gravy baby [;D]!!!!!!
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: jolly on 22/07/2007 13:07:08
             Supper at the Jone's

Husband: ´You see what it is dear is that, it´s so hard to find an art form that nobody else bloody likes´

Wife: ´Yes I know, Oh this artist makes sculptures out of snot shall we go?´

Husband: ´Oh no there was a two page article on him in the daily Star

Wife: ´And how do you know that?´

Husband: ´The gardener showed me´

Wife: ´The gardener is on holiday´

Husband: ´I meant plummer!´
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: jolly on 22/07/2007 13:08:05
How mant idiots does it take to change a light bulb?

We dont know, they still haven´t managed to change it yet!
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: jolly on 22/07/2007 13:21:49
                                  The board meeting:

Chairman: "Item 18 on todays agenda ´We´re all whores of Satan´ right, Tom you were looking in to this one what have you come up with?"

Tom: "Well apparently, the fact that we think about no one other than ourselves, have put greed at the top of our agenda, consistently break the law, and act utterly unethically has lead some in the religious community to believe that Satan is our quote ´lord and master´

Chairman: "and what is this thing, unethically?

Tom: "yeah I'm still not sure about that one"

Chairman: "Well do any of you know?.... Right OK....

BEEP

Janet: "Yes, MEGATRON?

Chairman: "Janet! I'm in a meeting"

Janet: "Oh, so what do you want then?

Chairman: "Can you look up the word unethically for me"


 
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: jolly on 22/07/2007 13:50:52
ALL FOR MUFF, AND MUFF FOR ALL!

But thats not actually a joke [:)]
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: jolly on 22/07/2007 14:37:31
                 A Day in the life of a Chemist:

your alarm gos off 6:30. you argue with your wife about the best way to make toast, and as always, she still doesn't understand that the milk should be put in the cup first with the coffee. (don't ask, just try to listen and understand) but she doesn't and always burns the granules. You then drive to work annoyed about your coffee but happy as today will be the day, you finally find that bloody waterstones book voucher you lost last year (it's only for £2,50 but you want it back).
Then once you arrive at work, you have 'cordial' conversations with your fellow work 'mates' by telling them that, they really did well that last chess match, even though you 'know' he moved that bishop when he thought you weren't looking, but it doesn't matter as you moved your queen 3 moves later and won. You then once in your office, sit round thinking of new ways to waste money. errrmm wait a minute some more thinking then lunch. You have a thinking power lunch with others like yourself. I mean no one else has anything interesting to say, you sit discussing the many issues of the day these include: whatever happened to the likely lads, why you had a cheese sandwich on white and brown bread(best of both), and if the atomic structure of milk in some way helps stabilize your coffee(teas got too much caffeine and messes up the maths).
After lunch and a 3 hour power nap. You stroll back to your office, and try to ponder where you left your car keys, not that you want your car keys of course, you just know as Descartes said that if you think you know your alive, tomorrow you'll be looking for something else but right now its the keys. then you find them, not hard really, you knew where they were all along. but Wait, because then comes the important stuff, which you spent years studying for. you tidy your desk, and neatly place back all ur pens and pencils.
Then, surrounded by peace and a clean desk. You ponder why on earth your wife is threatening to leave you. You then see the reality and relax, you see and understand with Cristal clarity that women don't get it and never will, because there not men and only men can get it! Then you take out the sudoko and your special pencil, which you got on holiday in Scarborough. The rubbers nearly gone but its o.k your going back to Scarborough in a few months.
Then there you are the whole of the universe laid out before you the stars and the many planets spinning round and around. you wonder how much would it cost to make a cow fly or a beaver dance. Then you look at your watch and realise that its 5am again. and you throw all your pencils in the air and run to your car and drive home.
You drive fast but its o.k theres no one else on the road and your customized vw beatle will hold true after all you built it(well added a spoiler) don't ask about the flowers its eco-friendly (trees are too unstable). You creep into bed. And pray your wife did iron your tie for tomorrow and you consider what would happen if she hadn't. Then your alarm gos. and you know you lived the whole of the day before apart from that dam power nap you were living and thinking the whole way through it.

not a bad life really I always wanted to be a plummer ( like Mario, just somehow stumbled into this stuff). I just never quite made it. Still Scarborough next month. Reminds me to think about that pencil and the crap coffee I'm about to drink.

       
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: jolly on 22/07/2007 14:39:10
How many scientist does it take to change a light bulb?
9
1 thinks about the bulb are where in the cosmos the bulb could be.
2. others think about what the bulb might look like if they ever find it.
3. considers the implications of changing the bulb if they ever find it
2.wonder if they really even need to change it.
1. the 9th scientist says come on lads could god even change it.
 
I say for God sake you work in a cupboard. Its over your head.   
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: jolly on 22/07/2007 17:34:26
                      CEO HEAVEN!!!!!!!

OK, So you go through a turn style, and this robot thats very badly maintained says(in a robot voice)

"please place 20,000 credits in the slot! Thats 20,000 each!"

And the people pay

Robot: "OK welcome to Heaven, you can collect your tour guide pamphlet from the box over there, the pamphlet must be returned at the end of your tour, they cost 20 credits should you not be able to return them as received, but then the robot that checks the pamphlets condition hasn't been working very well lately, so you might be alright, but don't take my word for it, I'm made to rob you of every credit I can, Oh I didn't just say that, if the manager-bot heard me say that, I really be for it.... the toilets are out of order and the gift shop is by the exit; Enjoy your visit!

And then you walk down a conveyor belt that stopped working years ago and walk past glassed in areas and a speaker that isn't working properly either says things like "this is where the angels used to play games"   
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Barnacle on 22/07/2007 17:46:52
One in five people are Chinese im told.
But i dont  believe it
and neither do my five friends, Alice, Joe, Charles, Beatrice and Wang.
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: jolly on 23/07/2007 13:12:00
I don't know if any of you remember the T.v show God's gift´ hope some of you do.

I was for some bazaar reason reminded of it today, I think many men used to watch this show, trying to better understand women, but I don't think it helped.

I remember very well the guy who won because he could juggle bananas- never quite understood that!
Does anyone remember this show? 

If the guy that juggled the bananas is reading this and saying no I won coz I'm fit, I would just like to say, No sorry you had like two girls vote for you before the banana juggling and then suddenly- wosh, they all came running.

And all the boys at home said what a WXXXXX and turned the T.V off.
Then said
 
Boy: "MUM!... MUM!"

Mum: "What?"

Boy: "Have we got any bananas?"

Mum: "what?"

Boy: "have we got any banans?"

Mum: "theres some in the kitchen"

Boy: "ok"....."Mum!"

Mum: "what?"

Boy: "Theres only two, have you got any more

mum: "no"

Boy: "oh have we got any cucumbers"

Mum: "There´s one in the fridge, why what are you doing?

Boy: "Nothing! Can you get some more bananas?"

Mum: "Yes when I go shopping".

Boy: "well, when are you going shopping?"

Mum: "tomorrow!"

Boy: "o.k"

So then you go to school the next day thinking I'm in, got the banana juggling down, you walk into the play ground, and all the other boys are banana juggling to, then it all becomes about who has the best banana juggling spot, but before you even get to that the girls say

Girl: "you haven´t even got enough bananas, look it's a gherkin"

You: "nooo! It´s a cucumber! and my mums going shopping today and then I´ll have enough bananas, Big bananas too!"

Girl: "you wouldn't even know what to do with a big banana, go away with your gherkin!"

you: "IT´S A CUCUMBER!!!"

And you leave disgraced. Then when you get home you say "mum where are the bananas?"

And she says: "I couldn't get any"

You: "WHY?"

Mum: "They sold out"

So then you have to go to school and watch the other boys banana juggle from the window; finally the day comes that you do get some bananas and you run into the playground all excited but no-ones banana juggling anymore, they all have girlfriends now don't they! Yeah...

The only girl left is Lois hotpot, and she won't go out with you because you spent the last three years, every lunch time, calling her the flea queen and throwing food at her!

And you curse the day it was, that you watched Gods gift!!!!!!

-------------------------------------------------------

I am sure that it was the banana juggling that ended the show:

Producer: "Davina, what's going on with the girls tonight? I mean do women really like banana jugglers?"

Davina: "well yeah!"

Producer: "Oh...oh, wait a minute, thats a chimp in a mini skirt, whats going on?"

Davina: "Oh, we had some probs getting enough girls tonight, so I dressed up a few chimps"

Producer: "Davina, that it show is cancelled"

Davina: "There female chimps"

Producer: "I don't care, you can't use chimps!"

Davina: "well why not? I mean there like 99.5% the same as us...."

Producer: "Davina, I just spent the last 30 minutes learning to juggle bananas!!! show´s cancelled!!!!!"

   
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: jolly on 23/07/2007 13:16:24
                      CEO HEAVEN!!!!!!!

OK, So you go through a turn style, and this robot thats very badly maintained says(in a robot voice)

"please place 20,000 credits in the slot! Thats 20,000 each!"

And the people pay

Robot: "OK welcome to Heaven, you can collect your tour guide pamphlet from the box over there, the pamphlet must be returned at the end of your tour, they cost 20 credits should you not be able to return them as received, but then the robot that checks the pamphlets condition hasn't been working very well lately, so you might be alright, but don't take my word for it, I'm made to rob you of every credit I can, Oh I didn't just say that, if the manager-bot heard me say that, I really be for it.... Enjoy your visit!

And then you walk down a conveyor belt that stopped working years ago and walk past glassed in areas and a speaker that isn't working properly either says things like "this is where the angels used to play games"   

                  CEO HELL

Is basically the same as heaven except the Devil walks about outside protesting with a banner that reads ´I only let him in to sort the books out´

Oh and the speakers says things like "This is where the demons used to torture people with fire"
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: jolly on 23/07/2007 13:29:14
I thought I would post ´the best of lily 2007´

But really as 2007 is not over, it shall be titled

THE BEST OF MY LILY POST MARCH TO JULY 2007!!!!!


I really like lily.....


No seriously, I really like her......


Why hasn't she got back to me yet?............


If me and lily had a baby I would call it:- Jollily......


She still hasn't got back to me.... Maybe she thinks I'm weird.....


I think the reason I like lily is- like he said in the film ´full metal jacket´:

"Private Joker has balls, and balls are enough"........ [:)]


I do not own a blow up life size lily doll......


Happy birthday lily + poem I forget..........

Nonscientific prankster seeks: lily .....
to help increase the amount of funny named children currently walking the planet........


I think I'm gonna give up on the ask out lily idea......


The monk said to me the other day that- "if you chase girls they run away, and if you run away the girls chase you"

But I don't believe it, because I'm thinking about becoming a monk now and lily still hasn't got back to me!!!!


Lily your a boy and I´m a girl... I mean I´m a girl and your a boy... wait... I know what I mean, will you marry me, I mean go on a date, I knew what I meant, oh forget it!

Right, thats it! I'm gonna stop posting about her......


Might stop.....


NO, NO, I am definitely going to stop.......

I thought I should replace the wiped articles all together [;D]
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: jolly on 23/07/2007 13:44:00
M.A Meeting continued....

Councilour: "So any questions for James?"

Other CEO who we shall call
John: "Yes, I have a question, When was it that you first thought about being MEGATRON?"

James: "Oh I think it was back in the 80´s, we had just released a new product, which if you used it increased your chances of getting cancer by about 60%, and I just thought ´Wow, even MEGATRON wouldn't be so deliciously evil, and wouldn't it be great if I could turn into a gun!
I could shoot the people that walked past my office and the turn back into me and the police could do nothing to prove it, and even if they could, I would just pay them off, HA HA HA! So naturally I climbed into my cabinet and demanded my secretary feed me cookies.
And from there it progressed, I started stuffing bits of cardboard down my trousers, bought my secretary an RC helmet, and forced her to memories the universal greeting!"
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: jolly on 23/07/2007 13:46:13
One in five people are Chinese im told.
But i dont  believe it
and neither do my five friends, Alice, Joe, Charles, Beatrice and Wang.

Well exactly, they are all good American names! Especially Beatrice [;)]
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: jolly on 24/07/2007 12:49:10
                      CEO HEAVEN!!!!!!!

OK, So you go through a turn style, and this robot thats very badly maintained says(in a robot voice)

"please place 20,000 credits in the slot! Thats 20,000 each!"

And the people pay

Robot: "OK welcome to Heaven, you can collect your tour guide pamphlet from the box over there, the pamphlet must be returned at the end of your tour, they cost 20 credits should you not be able to return them as received, but then the robot that checks the pamphlets condition hasn't been working very well lately, so you might be alright, but don't take my word for it, I'm made to rob you of every credit I can, Oh I didn't just say that, if the manager-bot heard me say that, I really be for it.... Enjoy your visit!

And then you walk down a conveyor belt that stopped working years ago and walk past glassed in areas and a speaker that isn't working properly either says things like "this is where the angels used to play games"   

                  CEO HELL

Is basically the same as heaven except the Devil walks about outside protesting with a banner that reads ´I only let him in to sort the books out´

Oh and the speakers says things like "This is where the demons use to torture people with fire"

And you all know what the CEOs are thinking right now dont you? Thats right they`re thinking:

´Only 20 credits for a pamphlet, just give them away why dont you, they should be 50 atleast!!!!!´
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: jolly on 24/07/2007 13:02:43

                           HEAVEN!!!!!!!

So I had this idea that when you die, you follow the light and then end up walking through fog and mist and eventually it clears and there you are outside the door to heaven.

Right, and outside are load of people sitting around staring at the floor.
 
It's really quite, so you knock at the door, then suddenly it opens and loads of laughter pours out from inside, and some angel sticks their head out still giggling and says "yes?"

Dead person: "Yeah, hi, can I come in?"

Someone else inside also laughing says "Who is it?"

And the angel replies while laughting: "It's some guy he wants to come in"

The angel in the background says: "Well has he been a good boy?"

And laughting the angel says "I'll ask him..(laughting)..He wants to know if you have been a good boy?" carrys on laughting...

some guy: "well yeah, thats why I'm here surely?"

In the background again the voice says: "Ask him how many fundamentalists it takes to change a light bulb!"

And the angel tries to tell the joke but cant stop laughting....

but the guy heard the angel ask and says: "I don't know, how many?

And the angel still laughting says: "just one" and then colapses laughting And the guy laughs too.

And they let him in and as he´s walking through the door he asks "who are all that lot sitting outside morosely?"

The angel replies: "Oh, there fundamentalists, they don't get anything!"
 
Some guy: "So what they just sit there forever?"

Angel: "Oh no, as soon as they get a sense of humour we let them in.

Some guy: "well why don't you just let them in now?"

Angel: "No way we tried that, frank let one in a few years back took us months to recover, he started alphabetising the socks and all sorts"

Some guy: "how do you alphabetise socks?"

Angel: "well exactly, he had to write names in them all first, but don't even get me started, I mean look at him over there 30 years he´s been sitting there, never even managed a smile! Justin often comes out and does some party tricks for them but they all just stare at him!"  
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: jolly on 24/07/2007 13:19:50
It went something like....

For years the different universities argued between themselves, about which university it was, that the monkey that invented the wheel, went to.

Finally it was agreed that it must have been either ox-fad or cainbridge, and so these two then took up the consistent fight for the right, to write on a little plaque:

"DR Simion Wheel, the monkey who invented the wheel, went to this university"

But neither could really ever, for all the arguments, say: "It was here".

But then one day a brilliant professor said "I have a solution: I, plus a group from my university shall climb into this little boat, then you and a group from your university shall also climb into a little boat.
O.k, then we shall paddle as fast as we can, which ever boat is first to cross the imaginary line up ahead, is not only more intelligent but also shall be allowed to claim that the monkey that invented the wheel went to their university."

but the they lost and the professor said "no wait, best of three"

And so the boat race was born!!!
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: jolly on 25/07/2007 12:48:25
My french book reads:

In 1689, the ottoman turks were marauding through Europe. They laid siege to Vienna. The city resisted and finally managed to beat off all the invaders. So to commemorate the event they made banana shaped pastries.

And often it was that the army would arrive at some village.

Army: "come out!"

Villagers: "No, go back to your own village!"

Army: "No, there was a plague last year all the girls are dead, except Lois Hotpot and she wont come anywhere near us, because we all spent our time at school calling her the flea queen and throwing food at her. Even worse non of us can banana juggle, come out!"

Villager: "OK, OK, were sending out Penelope melonhead, but don't throw food at her!"
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: jolly on 25/07/2007 13:06:59
                     Board Games

OK Shoddopoly

Right, no one tells the banker, good idea to have a fundamentalist in this role, but good luck finding one that plays games.
OK, now, you spend your time stealing property from the box, putting houses where there weren't any, stealing money from other players and the box, paying the other players to love you, paying your way out of jail, but this is all done without the other players not involved or the banker seeing, so it's all winks and nods; with under the table action!
The winner is the person who manages to buy the bank off the banker!

Hungry Hungry CEOs!

Watch this space for:- Ninja Cricket, Fundamentalist Twister and Nazi Risk!
   
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: jolly on 25/07/2007 13:10:44

                           HEAVEN!!!!!!!

So I had this idea that when you die, you follow the light and then end up walking through fog and mist and eventually it clears and there you are outside the door to heaven.

Right, and outside are load of people sitting around staring at the floor.
 
It's really quite, so you knock at the door, then suddenly it opens and loads of laughter pours out from inside, and some angel sticks their head out still giggling and says "yes?"

Dead person: "Yeah, hi, can I come in?"

Someone else inside also laughing says "Who is it?"

And the angel replies while laughting: "It's some guy he wants to come in"

The angel in the background says: "Well has he been a good boy?"

And laughting the angel says "I'll ask him..(laughting)..He wants to know if you have been a good boy?" carrys on laughting...

some guy: "well yeah, thats why I'm here surely?"

In the background again the voice says: "Ask him how many fundamentalists it takes to change a light bulb!"

And the angel tries to tell the joke but cant stop laughting....

but the guy heard the angel ask and says: "I don't know, how many?

And the angel still laughting says: "just one" and then colapses laughting And the guy laughs too.

And they let him in and as he´s walking through the door he asks "who are all that lot sitting outside morosely?"

The angel replies: "Oh, there fundamentalists, they don't get anything!"
 
Some guy: "So what they just sit there forever?"

Angel: "Oh no, as soon as they get a sense of humour we let them in.

Some guy: "well why don't you just let them in now?"

Angel: "No way we tried that, frank let one in a few years back took us months to recover, he started alphabetising the socks and all sorts"

Some guy: "how do you alphabetise socks?"

Angel: "well exactly, he had to write names in them all first, but don't even get me started, I mean look at him over there 30 years he´s been sitting there, never even managed a smile! Justin often comes out and does some party tricks for them but they all just stare at him!"  


And you all know what the fundamentalists are thinking don't you? Thats right they`re thinking:

"I only alphabetised my socks once, it was a long time ago, I mean I was in college!"
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Karen W. on 26/07/2007 00:19:11
LOL LOL! I don't know any jokes really so I will be the reader! LOL!
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: jolly on 29/07/2007 17:18:02
LOL LOL! I don't know any jokes really so I will be the reader! LOL!

Well post something that made you laugh. As a joke topic why not- CEO pillow talk! [;D]
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: jolly on 29/07/2007 17:30:34
This should make you laugh.....

One of the nuns here asked me to help her with the grammer and spelling in her dissertation entitled ´An evaluation of missionary enterprise´ I said I would be honoured.
So I asked her if she was going to give me printouts to read but she said "the printers not working, you`ll have to correct it on the computer"

Anyway the introduction now reads:

In this paper thing, we is propper gonna be talking about some well interesting stuff like...what! Don't be eye ball-in me now!

In my defence I think the examiner will prefer it because in the original was boring, I mean she kept going on and on about missionaries, and all the things they did wrong and stuff. So I basically changed all that and added some jokes, so at least the examiner should laugh now! 
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Karen W. on 29/07/2007 17:41:20
I cannot think of anything to make me laugh right now....


How old is this NUN Jolly? LOL ...it will be quite funny if she is a lot older and her examiner has a good sense of humor and is not up tight! Who what is an examiner! Is she being tested ??
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Simulated on 29/07/2007 17:44:22
Wow every post was almost made by Jolly. LoL Now that's funny! JmJm.

Same as Karen. I don't know.
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Karen W. on 29/07/2007 17:47:35
NO YOUR WRONG HE'S "MY JOLLY" SO TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF!!!!!!!!!LOL LOL
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Simulated on 29/07/2007 17:49:15
SORRY KAREN!! LoL.
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Karen W. on 29/07/2007 17:50:00
MY attempt at Humor!!! LOL
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Simulated on 29/07/2007 17:51:47
It was good humor! LoL
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Karen W. on 29/07/2007 18:05:17
 I can't take the credit as you started it you clever boy! LOL
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Simulated on 29/07/2007 18:27:20
Oh we can split it 50/50. LoL.
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Karen W. on 29/07/2007 21:23:21
DEAL! LOL!
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Simulated on 30/07/2007 03:14:12
Yay I like deals! Deal or no deal! I should have said that darn. LoL. Sorry Jolly is this is not your idea for Laughing. Its making me laugh though! LoL.
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Karen W. on 30/07/2007 06:16:51
Jolly is always open for laughing and good at keeping me smiling too! LOL
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Simulated on 30/07/2007 15:49:15
HAHA again Karen! LoL. My parents got a joke in a forward. I don't get it but one of you might. Once I get on the desktop I'll get it for you all!
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Karen W. on 30/07/2007 16:44:25
It will probably be over my head like everything else !
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: jolly on 30/07/2007 19:20:25
LOL LOL! I don't know any jokes really so I will be the reader! LOL!

Well post something that made you laugh. As a joke topic why not- CEO pillow talk! [;D]

I cannot think of anything to make me laugh right now....


How old is this NUN Jolly? LOL ...it will be quite funny if she is a lot older and her examiner has a good sense of humor and is not up tight! Who what is an examiner! Is she being tested ??

Well yeah, Err how about:

Ceo: "and RC this is the wall after I painted it green... this photo is of my Gnome Harold.. no you stay there, I have a P45 in the draw!..... OK then, this is a picture I took of the floor after I had washed it"
 
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: jolly on 30/07/2007 19:24:17
Fench pillow talk:

"No madame, je ne suis pas James Bond."

and

"Une hirondelle ne fait pas le printemps"
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Karen W. on 30/07/2007 19:51:53
  No Mrs I am not James Bond. LOL! Then it says, "A swallow does not do the spring???" So what does that mean Jolly??? LOL LOL
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Simulated on 30/07/2007 21:30:10
I probably don't wanna know what that means so good think I don't know french! LoL.
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Karen W. on 30/07/2007 22:46:57
 Well it is a beautiful Language I wish I was better at it!
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Simulated on 30/07/2007 22:51:06
To bad they don't offer it at our school or I would take it instead of spanish..
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Karen W. on 30/07/2007 22:52:11
Spanish is much more practical here in the states but french is not bad either!
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Simulated on 30/07/2007 22:58:25
So I like being different. LoL. That's why I have an amazing guitar from China! LoL.
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Karen W. on 30/07/2007 23:05:40
Good I usually like being different to.. personality wise anyway!
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Simulated on 30/07/2007 23:28:15
Ok any more funny stuff?
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Karen W. on 31/07/2007 01:00:30
Not really.. I didn't know anything had been funny yet! LOL
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Simulated on 31/07/2007 01:21:18
Here i'm going to get on the desktop and get you that joke..
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Simulated on 31/07/2007 01:27:12
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer.  They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.
 
Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT!  I have had enough.  I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."
 
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

           They moused.
            They faxed.
            They e-mailed.
            They e-mailed with attachments.
            They downloaded.
            They did spreadsheets!
            They wrote reports.
            They created labels and cards.
            They created charts and graphs.
            They did some genealogy reports.
            They did every job known to man.   
 
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
 
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.   
 
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
 
Jesus just sighed.........
 
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers.  Satan started searching frantically, screaming:  "It's gone!  It's all GONE!  !@#@$!@%^#$^!@$%@!!@$#!! said Satan.  "I lost everything when the power went out!"  #)*^%*#%#@!@%~!@#%!!!
 
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
 
Satan observed this and became irate.  "Wait!" he screamed.  "That's not fair!  He cheated!  How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"
           
God just shrugged and said, ......................
"JESUS SAVES"


I let you all know I didn't get this one..
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Karen W. on 31/07/2007 02:00:54
LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL..That's a great one right up my alley! LOL HEE HEE HEE HEE...

You now Jesus saves souls salvation.. But he also knows to back up his files and save them so he doesn't loose in a power outage! LOL LOL...Very good indeed!
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Simulated on 31/07/2007 02:17:09
I thought someone would get it.
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Karen W. on 31/07/2007 02:18:14
It was a good one.. so many I don't get but I like when I get it! LOL
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Simulated on 31/07/2007 02:29:52
HAHA yeah my uncle sent me and my parents that email. I don't think i forwarded it to anyone
lol
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Karen W. on 31/07/2007 23:30:55


it was a good one!
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Simulated on 01/08/2007 16:40:12
OK! LoL. I'll have to read over it again to see if I can get it. LoL.
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Karen W. on 01/08/2007 16:45:40
ok!
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: sooyeah on 26/11/2007 15:05:53
A willy says to 2 testicles "do you wanna come to a party" the testicles say "no! you always go in and leave us outside knocking"
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: sooyeah on 16/02/2008 12:36:00
Is anyone like me in that when they go to sleep at night, laying in bed with eyes closed, they think

"you've been listening to radio Jolly, its been a fun day really (list things that happened) according to the barometer its gonna be a good day tomorrow" and then you sing something like ´I have a dream´ by ABBA and finish saying "that was I have a dream by ABBA"

Am I allonee?
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: sooyeah on 16/02/2008 12:43:02
Ok ok, a guy walks into a studio with his family and says to the producer "I have this great new act!"

and the producer says "well ok but I haven't got much time be quick"

So anyway the guy injects his wife and kids who then run around crazy style poohing everywhere and throwing it at each other, he joins in, and then they start having some weird sex session, suddenly stop and gos "ter derrr"

The producer says "what do you call that act?" and the guy says "The Elites"

Disgusting? I completely agree.
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: sooyeah on 16/02/2008 12:49:53
Angel anwsers the door to heaven,

Angel in the back ground says "who is it?"

the Angel who answered the door says "It´s Satan the most stupid"

"Well what does he want?"
"He wants to know if we have a spare set of keys for hell coz hes lost them"
"What again?" says the angel "Ever since that idiot demanded a place for stupid people to live its just been one thing after the next, Anything else, before I go looking?"
the angel at the door replies "Yeah, he wants a lighter"
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: sooyeah on 10/03/2008 18:51:04
So I was down the beach the other day swimming and I saw a dolphin swim pass, I didn't really think much of it at the time, But when I got home that evening I went down the pub with a few friends.
Ad a few bevies, now my friends a surfer and I got the idea that maybe you could surf with dolphins, you know, Dolphin-surfin, but I thought there might be a few problems with it, and it was over those beers that me and Jim came up with the concept, we just had to hammer out a few of the issues and I remember I said to Jim "Jim do you think it would be possible to teach a dolphin, to stand on a surf-bord?"

So we put a shack on the beach and a sign on the door, that read ´dolphin-surfin 5 dollars`.
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: sooyeah on 10/03/2008 19:01:13
                                Ancient Rome [;)]

"Dad, why are we doing this?"

"look son, don't you see, the whole of society is set up, so we can rule as the enlightened few"

"Yeah, but dad I'm an idiot, I mean I got an G on my maths test, and on all my other tests I never got higher than a E"

"What are you talking about? I paid your school a couple of million and they changed all your results to A's"

"well yeah but that doesn't change the fact that I'm an idiot does it"

"Don't worry son, what we're going to do, is make everyone else in society, more stupid than you, that way, you'll be the most cleaver"

"Does mum know?"

"No, we're not gonna tell her"

"Arr, Dad you're a genius"

"No son, you´re the genius"
-----------------------------------------------------------

You do all realise that the moment anyone stands up and says "I'm the most enlightened round here" they just totally show that they're not? You all see that, yeah.

Don't be too hard on them, for inside every Elite, is a human being just trying to get out.
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: sooyeah on 10/03/2008 19:11:29
So anyway I was Rock climbing the other day and I saw a goat, didn't think much of it at the time, but when I got home I went down the pub with me friends, ad a few bevies, and we were on our ninth pint and I said to Jim "Jim what do you think about climbing with goats you know, Goat-climbing?" and Jim said "yyeahh"
and it was over those few beers we came up with the concept and I remember I said to Jim "Jim do you think it would be possible to teach a Goat, to tie knots?"
So we put a shack on the side of the mountain and a sign on the door that read 'Goat-Climbing 5 dollars'
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: sooyeah on 10/03/2008 19:16:57
A word to the brown hair, in Hitlers world the blond rules. But don't worrie Brown hair you can wait tables and shine shoes and your children and their children can too, the brown haired Nazi fights for his own enslavement.

Just thinking, if anyone still wants to be a Nazi after reading that, I suggest that go to the next rally and at that moment when all that anger and hate is boiling over and they can hold it no longer, they say in a firm steady voice "NO! I want to do the washing up!"
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: sooyeah on 10/03/2008 19:26:57
So I went fishing the other day, and I saw a bear, didn't think anything of it at the time, but when I got home I went down the pub with a friend- Jim.
Ad a few bevies, and me and Jim started wondering weather it would be possible to fish with bears, you know, Bear-Fishing.
So it was over those few drinks we came up with the concept 'Bear-Fishing' and I remember we were on our fifthteenth pint, I said to Jim "Jim do you think it would be possible to teach a bear, to fly cast?"
Jim didn´t answer he was asleep.
So anyway we put a shack by the river and a little sign on the door that read 'Bear-fishing 5 Dollars'

And its been great for the bears you know, coz before they were dying out but now there are loads of them.
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: DoctorBeaver on 11/03/2008 18:46:33
What in the 7 realms is he wittering about?  [???]
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Andrew K Fletcher on 11/03/2008 19:13:19
Cowboy walks into a bar, "Ouch it was an iron bar" Asks for a whisky and catches it as it slides along the bar, drinking it in one gulp and moseying on out to find his horse has been stolen.

Kicks open the bat wing saloon doors walks up to the bar and bites the top off a glass bottle spitting it angrily at the bar man.

Says if my horse is not outside by the time I have drank this glass of whiskey the same is going to happen here as what happened in El Darado last week. On drinking up he walked out of the saloon and found his horse had been duly returned.

Little cringing guy trembeling with fear says; Sir, I hope you don't mind me asking a qu qu question, "but what did happen in El Darado last week"?

Our hero replies "I had to walk home"
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: DoctorBeaver on 11/03/2008 19:44:59
(https://www.thenakedscientists.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fbestsmileys.com%2Flol%2F3.gif&hash=4a73471b3f75f56b8b692ee78b853504)
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Karen W. on 11/03/2008 22:29:12
Someone emailed this to me.. I thought it was cute!



An older couple is lying in bed one morning.

They had just awakened from a good night's sleep.

He takes her hand and she responds, 'Don't touch me.'
'Why not?' he asked.
She answered, 'Because I'm dead.'
The husband asked.

'What are you talking about?

We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another!'
She said, 'No, I'm definitely dead.'
He insisted, 'You are not dead.

What in the world makes you think you're dead?'


'Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts.'
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: DoctorBeaver on 12/03/2008 07:57:51
Quote
'Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts.'

That would be nice  [;D]
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: sooyeah on 16/04/2008 16:59:43
What in the 7 realms is he wittering about?  [???]

Don't look at me Beaver, the cheese is insane. Clearly insane, thats where it all comes from.

How about this,

                 I'll call it:- Tragic and Hilarious

"So you'll give me $2,000.00 now and then a $1,000.00 everytime in the future?"

"Yea"

"NO, I don't think so"

"Wait, wait, we'll also let you finish off our Chinese food"

"Soo, you'll give me $2,000.00 now, and a $1,000.00 each time in the future, plus, you'll let me finish off the Chinese...uummm OK OK"  [:D]


I wonder if you'll get it. While you ponder...

I guy said to me a while back

"If a 7ft gorilla walks into your living room, where does he sit?"

"I Don't know" I replied

"Where ever he wants" said the guy

I retorted "Well, that's why he's a gorilla" [:)]
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: sooyeah on 16/04/2008 17:37:44
                                 
                                     Shape Shifting Aliens

According to David Icke, shape shifting aliens run the planet. Now I have said this before and I shall say it again:
Am I the only one that thinks shape shifting alien women sounds kinda cool? I don't know about the rest of you but I'm going with:- Flowers, candy, dinner, show etc etc... [;)]

"Jolly, you idiot! She'll eat you before you get anywhere near the taxi"

"Really, you think?" [:)]

I don't actually know if these alien women exist or not; but, if they do, then really they deserve love and respect like everyone else, so there Mr Icke hardly helps the situation.

"Jolly, how can we respect them they eat people?"

"Well, come-on Dave, if Crocodile Dundee had anything to do with it, they would be on the Bar-B-Q too, that door swings both ways, don't it."

"Jolly we don't know where or who they are!"

"Well again, Mick Dundee could find them, the mans a legend"

"Jolly! These things could have a seriously bad agenda"

"well first, I don't think you should call them things, and really if they do exist, then their agenda is probably the same as everyone elses, you know- make the most out of life. And while we don't know if they exist we do know, Mick Dundee does, so that one for us"

So, you know, really, to me it's about respect, New rule: If you can have a conversation, then there off the menu- simple really. [:P]

So if there are any alien women reading this, I just want you to know, that, I just want you to be happy. In the end, here's one human that'll take you out on the town [:)]  oh yeah baby!

Oh, if any alien women are actually thinking about taking me up on this offer, can I have dibs on how you look? I'm thinking Paz Vega or Selma hyake(think that's how you spell it) but which ever I'm easy. [:)]
That's ofcourse a joke, you can come looking however you want to....

"Tom, Tom, there's a guy in that restaurant eating a salad, with a, giant lizard!"

"AND WHAT"

You may see me in a restaurant with lily yet [;D]   
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: sooyeah on 17/04/2008 16:21:26
                                 Shape Shifting Aliens

So if there are any alien women reading this, I just want you to know, that, I just want you to be happy. In the end, here's one human that'll take you out on the town [:)]  oh yeah baby!

Oh, if any alien women are actually thinking about taking me up on this offer, can I have dibs on how you look? I'm thinking Paz Vega or Selma hyake(think that's how you spell it) but which ever I'm easy. [:)]
That's ofcourse a joke, you can come looking however you want to....

"Tom, Tom, there's a guy in that restaurant eating a salad, with a, giant lizard!" 

"John, Simpson's world, BBC, So did you enjoy you're meal?"

"No, it was terrible, next question"

"Yeah hi, James Whale, Talk Sport, So what did you eat?"

"We had soup, salad, those little cubed bits of fried bread you put..."

"NO, sorry, you´re just boring the crap out of me, now, why was it terrible?"

"Well, to put it frankly, he just spent the whole meal going on about some girl called lily"
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: sooyeah on 17/04/2008 17:54:32
                               BILL HICKS

A female comic said of bill "It was Jesus Bill wanted to be, he wanted to save us all, but he got freeze framed at that moment Jesus walked into the temple and said ´you´ve turn my fathers house into a den of thieves´ and that was it, he was trying to be like Christ, at Christs angriest"

And you look at what Bill Hicks was actually saying and really it boils down to this: ´I love you and I know God loves you´. Really, all his cleaver and silly jokes about porn and everything else, just helped him deliver that message of love, to people that normally wouldn't listen.

So I ask you, could you be anymore Christian?

Anyway it was thinking about that, that I realised, I understood, that what I wanna be, is like Jesus, at his most annoying. [:)]

Some people think I'm cocky.

and I'm not cocky, what I am, is....SEXY  [;)]

No, no, I'm not sexy, I just wrote that, coz I knew it would annoy you.  [:)]

I'm annoying,  [:)] go with your graces.
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: sooyeah on 18/04/2008 16:38:41
                                    THE MATRIX REVISITED

Agent Smith walks into the oval office....

Smith: "Mr President" (that's great isn't it, here I'll post it again)

Smith: "Mr President"

The president: "Oh, Hi Smith"

Smith: "what are you doing, Mr president?"

The president: "Oh I'm going over the speech, I'm going to give to congress about, negative freedom and the steps needed to be taken to preserve a truer form of democracy, and to prevent this trend towards corporate tyranny"

Smith: "I wonder, Mr president"

President: "About what Smith?"

Smith: "I wonder who is going to listen to your speech, when you can't even speak" 

-----------------------------------------------------------

In the joke version they then roll about laughing and the president says "go back out and come back in, but this time when you come in, call me Alice" "ok" replies Smith "but don't put the dress on"

-------------------------------------------------------------
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: sooyeah on 18/04/2008 16:44:50
Had another idea about Bond walking into M's office and the chair spins round

Bond: "BLOWFELT!"

Blowfelt: "Yes 007, interesting file....."

----

Is 007 heading for heaven?

Has the man in a tux, run out of luck?

Is Blowfelt, really in charge?

Will moneypenny actually do some work?

Tune in next week for......

----

Lets face it we all know he´ll end up running everything anyway

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=I71Z_V_pksk&feature=related

Get to it people

http://www.familyguyblueharvestdvd.com/crawl/
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: sooyeah on 18/04/2008 19:13:15
                                        TELE-FAILS
                                   
Oval office

ring ring, ring ring...

"Hello"

"Yes hi (brief pause while he looks through pad) Jim, this is the President, not a social call just a little call of enquiry"

"Oh, what about"

"Well(another brief pause while he turns page on script) as you know, the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan have almost bankrupted the country, and it appears that quite a substantial amount of the money we spent, actually ended up in a few of your bank accounts, so I was just wondering if you could possibly see your way, to maybe, err, wellll giving some of it back, in the interests of the country ofcourse"

´BBBRRRRRRRRRRR´

"Mr President I thought these people we're your friends?"

"Johnson, they are, maybe they're money is tight too now, given the current crisis? (another silent pause) Ooh, how about text message?"

 
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: sooyeah on 18/04/2008 19:26:52
                             DOC, DOC....

"Here you go, you just need to take these pills for the rest of your life".

"Are there any side-effects to this medication Doctor?"

"No, No side-effects, it's really new stuff you know, oh wait, wait, there is one side-effect"

"Oh, what's that?"

"Nothing really, you'll just become an idiot (short uncomfortable silence) do you have sat nav?"

"No"

"Welll, I suppose it doesn't matter, in a few days you're unlikely to even remember your post code. OK here's your prescription and I'll see you when I see you"

"OH OK"

"Don't forget to shut the door on your way out, I know you won't, ok bye"

 
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Karen W. on 18/04/2008 20:29:00
nice ..jolly.. thanks for keeping it going....
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: sooyeah on 19/04/2008 13:27:28
But you could for example have the machines build lots of different realities, to experiment, to see which one works best (which one keeps the most alive and by doing so generates the most electricity), and then have characters that stumble into them, and there, anything is possible.

As a start how about this, Guy running across roof tops with agents chasing him. He gets to the end of the roof looks and there's no where to go, just a huge drop.
One agent says to another "we can't lose the package" they slowly walk towards him and he jumps, falling towards street below, just as he starts to near the ground, it glows yellow, he smacks into it, and suddenly finds himself in water, he swims upwards, gasping for breath on reaching the surface and he´s in a river, he struggles to the river bank, lays his head in the mud; but before he can even think about relaxing he´s hanging upside down looking at an Ogre that's holding his foot.

                                      OOH MY MATRIX

NOBIN:
 "It wasn't so bad you know, I had a nice tree, in a good part of the forest, I had a very decent horse, men and elfs used to come to look at him, I could always say whatever happens, I've got that horse issue covered"

TOBIN:
"Shxt man, now it's all gone"

NOBIN:
"Hey, not funny"

TOBIN:
"Come on at least your free"

Robin jumps in the conversation

ROBIN:
"Free, you call this free? Sorry, ok, my life wasn't great, my wife got step on by a man, I spent most of my time, if not running from cats, hiding from scissor mouths"

NOBIN:
"From what?"

ROBIN:
"Well, I don't know what you call them"

TOBIN:
"He means ants"

ROBIN:
"Whatever! Those gits will eat your dinner, raid your larder and carry off your second wife before you can even saddle a snail.  My life was kinda hard, but it was better than this. And the thing with cats, I occasionally thought about, actually, most of my friends dreamed about it, wouldn't it be great if we we're big, then we could chase them. But what happens, I come to find I am big, not just that, but that I've always been big, everythings a lie and to top off, now I am big I find out, all the cats are dead"

BOBIN:
"Shut up, Pixie boy. oouu the irony"

ROBIN:
"Screw you, you racist"

TOBIN:
"Roobbbin come-on now, you're not a Pixie, you never were a Pixie, Pixies don't even exist"

ROBIN:
"Maybe, I may have spent the first 30 years of my life, thinking I was a pixie, when I was actually a man, and so what, even if I am actually a man, in some ways I will always be a pixie, and when I die, you're dam well gonna give me a pixie funeral!"

TOBIN:
"How we gonna do that?

ROBIN:
"I don't care if it means you've gotta jack-in, if you have to jack-in, then so be it"

NOBIN:
"Robin, why do you want a pixie funeral, I saw one once, it wasn't that special? Elf funerals are far nicer"

ROBIN:
"I don't want an elf funeral, I want a pixie funeral"

TOBIN:
"Robin, if you want a pixie funeral, then you can have one, I just hope you realise, we're gonna have to free a Priest and a choir to do it"

ROBIN:
"So what, according to you, they'll all be well happy. They'll all be free, wont they!"

 [:P]   
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: sooyeah on 19/04/2008 14:01:13
I did promise it, so here it is....

                              NINJA CRICKET

Sadly you have to be a Ninja to either watch or play Ninja Cricket, a normal person trying to view a game, would simply see an empty field with a few trees in it, and nine Ninjas sitting by the tea house sipping tea, and occasionally going woo and clapping.

But with the marvel of digital slow motion replay:

A Ninja appears from somewhere and bowls at the wicket, another batting Ninja appears from somewhere and hits the ball, all the fielding Ninjas at this moment pop up and start firing blow darts, which the batters dodge as they run.

Basically [:)]

Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: sooyeah on 19/04/2008 15:53:13

THE BEST OF MY LILY POST MARCH TO JULY 2007!!!!!


OK everyone I just thought I should clarify, Yes I do like lily.

I think she is a good artist, and has a great character... But that is where it ends.

The main reason why, I decided to pick her, as it were, was because I felt that if I annoyed her enough, she might write a ´Shut up Jolly´ song. [;D]

I am of course a fan, and I wish her well, and hope that should she have actually read any of these stupid jokes, that she found them funny.

We live in hope.

HUGS

JOLLY.
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: sooyeah on 19/04/2008 16:34:37
I had a survey done on people that had read this thread, not going to bore you with all the results, but this one is interesting;

62% of people polled who had just finished reading this thread, drank a double espresso and then read it again. [:)]

We will pray for the man that can't stop. [;D]
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: sooyeah on 19/04/2008 17:43:00
                           OH MY MATRIX CONTINUED........

"Right ok, so let me just get this all straight in my head. Now, I'm not a Pixie high priest, I never was a pixie, I am a man, what it is, is that thousands of years ago humans and machines had a war, am I right so far?"

"Yes"

"OK, the mens lost this war, even though they destroyed the sky, which they did, to stop the machines using solar power, not that I even know what this solar power is. Right and because of that the machines needed a way of getting energy, and to do so they decided to plug all humans into a computer generated world, which I and you have come from. They did that as a way of generating and harvesting our bio-speric.."

"Bio-spheric energy"

"right, bio-spheric energy, so, I am also correct up to here?"

"More or less"

"Ok, and there are lots of different types of these matrices?"

"yes, matrices"

"fine matrices, in my matrix I was a pixie high priest, but this was all just an illusion, because pixies have never existed, what it was, was that the machines used literature and stories from our past, to help them invent these imaginary worlds, and I was induced to believe that I was a Pixie, when in reality I was a man. Am I correct?"

"yes"

"now the only reason you have freed me from this illusory world, this illusory prison, is because, when Robin dies he wants a full Pixie funeral, even though Pixie tradition and everthing that relate to it, are pure fantasy?"

"Basically........Yes"

Robin: "Hey, Gobin don't be down, come-on your free, baby"

Gobin: "Can we chase cats?"

Robin: "No, they all died years ago, that really bummed me out"

Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: sooyeah on 19/04/2008 19:02:22
nice ..jolly.. thanks for keeping it going....

Well how could I not lady? If I didn't, then the satanic, sex obsessed idiots, that run this planet would have won. And that can't happen.

"Jolly, we're not all like that"

"Really?"

"Ofcourse not, take Tom for example, a few years back he lost his testicles in a horrific hand-gliding accident, and none of our wives even know about our sexy parties, and take Jim too, the guy hasn't been able to get it up for ages" 

"Maybe, but I bet Jim uses one of those pump devices I've seen on QVC"

"Well, ok yes, Jim has been known to use a pump device, that I'll give you, but he never got from QVC, and Tom completely invalidates your claim, we even made him our leader"

"Well that's alright then, GIZ-MASTER-ZERO runs the planet"

Anyway Karen I think I'll have to hand it over to you; At least for the next 6 months anyway.

Hugs
  
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Karen W. on 19/04/2008 21:52:42
 me... I think not.. I haven't a humorous  bone in my body!!!  .I have to leave that to all you jokesters... i am not a funny person.. hee hee. 
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: neilep on 19/04/2008 21:58:42
me... I think not.. I haven't a humorous  bone in my body!!!  .I have to leave that to all you jokesters... i am not a funny person.. hee hee. 

LOL...that's funny !
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Karen W. on 19/04/2008 22:45:39
....Now just how is that funny.... Sheepy??? lol.. you are the funny Sheepy around here.... you all should be stand up comics.... you truly missed your calling when you turned to a life of crime..... stealing Lo's Prada's and parading around on stage... your a natumral Sheepy!!!!!! Hee.. Hee.. Hee ......Hee .........
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: sooyeah on 20/04/2008 16:32:16
me... I think not.. I haven't a humorous  bone in my body!!!  .I have to leave that to all you jokesters... i am not a funny person.. hee hee. 

LOL...that's funny !
....Now just how is that funny.... Sheepy??? lol.. you are the funny Sheepy around here.... you all should be stand up comics.... you truly missed your calling when you turned to a life of crime..... stealing Lo's Prada's and parading around on stage... your a natumral Sheepy!!!!!! Hee.. Hee.. Hee ......Hee .........

Completely disagree Karen, I'm nuts, I try, but since the end of last year my jokes have just got worse and worse, but then looking back the ones before were terrible, which means they may have improved.... It just gets weirder. [:P]

I have always felt that you had a great sense of humor Karen. And really, I suppose if just one person giggles, it's worth it.

Flanagans Law no. 73, 'Dead or alive, the cheese just stinks' I have spoken to him, but he wont listen. [:)]
Flanagans Law no. 75, 'you're in trouble, if everyone but the boss laughs'

How about this:

                            A NEW PARTY

A new party has been born, the 'cowardly sellout party'

Are you easily intimidated by big business, members of the arms industry and or shadowy cults?

Are you prepared to sellout your people, your entire nation?

Are you happy to give up, sacrifice, and destroy, everything your ancestors fought, suffered and died for?

You are, then we need you, your vote, and your silence.

                THAT WAS A BROADCAST ON BEHALF OF THE C.S.P
--------------------

You see, I've just lost it. [:P]

How to make it funny? the answer: Who answered so?

"Yes I do scare myself, Already done that and already done that, OK, what's for breakfast... SALAD! AGAIN!!!"
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: sooyeah on 20/04/2008 19:43:42
strange how jokes change over time, you know I need to post this again


How many idiot´s does it take to change a light bulb?

We don't know, they still haven't managed to change it [;D]
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Karen W. on 20/04/2008 19:52:57
well you are funny always have been.. and if they were bad jokes and made me laugh.. then....whats that say for my sense of humor??? LOL..

 thanks Jolly an Neil.. thats kind of both of you.
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: sooyeah on 21/04/2008 19:22:35
well you are funny always have been.. and if they were bad jokes and made me laugh.. then....whats that say for my sense of humor??? LOL..

 thanks Jolly an Neil.. thats kind of both of you.

Thankyou Karen, your the one. [:)] I think it's 1 year and a month since I joined NS. What a year; It has been an adventure, as life is. It's been great, the banning, arguements, laughs etc etc... I truely do love this forum, I think we all owe Chris a big thankyou.

HUGS to you all

JOLLY

Lets start again:

Come one and all and please post your jokes, funny stories from your day or your past, or other peoples days or pasts.(think that makes sense)

KNOCK, KNOCK
Who is there
DOCTOR
Doctor who?
You just said it

And with that he was gone [::)]
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Karen W. on 21/04/2008 19:54:32
good luck and best wishes Jolly!
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Andrew K Fletcher on 03/06/2008 18:34:54
The humorous bone in the body one liner was very funny :) Bows to the American Humour (For once)

Science News Report

Farmer in Devonshire has succeeding in growing his first crop of vibrators. All is not well though as he now has a huge problem with squatters: P
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Andrew K Fletcher on 03/06/2008 18:49:59
A lady is recovering in hospital after having a vaginal tuck, she turned over to see three beautiful bouquets of flowers and reading the first card on the display closest it said; “Thank you for being such a wonderful and understanding wife I love you.

On a high with a smile wider than the Nile she reads on the second impeccable display of expensive flowers. Wishing you a speedy recovery, the operation was a success thanks for being a model patient, Your Surgeon and team.

On a roll she can’t wait to read the card on the last bouquet which says; “Hi, I am Bob from the Burns Unit. Thank you so much for my new ears. 
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Karen W. on 03/06/2008 20:01:42
The humorous bone in the body one liner was very funny :) Bows to the American Humour (For once)

Science News Report

Farmer in Devonshire has succeeding in growing his first crop of vibrators. All is not well though as he now has a huge problem with squatters: P


HEE HEE HEE HEE... LOL!! LOL!! Nice one!
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Jerryade on 04/06/2008 18:51:36
Mr Joe a teacher who teaches english in a school is a stammerer. On that fateful day he was teaching the students about word pronounciation, but when he got to the word hippopotamus he stammered out the word hip hip hip ... before ha could finish the students shouted hurray
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: sooyeah on 05/06/2008 09:27:22
                          PORN....

OK so, I mean, I like eating you know, I quite enjoy food, Steak and chips, maybe even a burger or two, but I am not going down the video store and asking the guy behind the counter if he has anything in the way of, 'Guy eating steak or girl eating salad'.

"Yeah you got anything on Mcd's food? Ouu Group eat steak part 7, sounds great!"

A guy said to me once "You know most of the men and women in porn a gay, thats how they last so long"  Well I didn't know that but he did just give me a whole new list of reasons not to watch it.
I don't need a video thankyou, I find out for myself, I cannot see a bigger waste of time than watching porn. Completely unreal rubbish, which some idiots decide to go copy; there's intelligence for you.

I might write to play boy actually:

Yeah I visited room 101 and 30 women and an alien shagged the crap out of me.

Signed
ANON [:P]

----------------------------

PS, It does kinda sound cool, but really it's; "Here you go ladies, do what you want to him"

PPS, that was the nice day, the highlight has to be, being dragged on to an altar with loads of satanist chanting 'die die die'. Not forgetting all the other horrors that sit somewhere in-between the two.

PPPS, So you can see right there who these people are, 'birds of a feather work together'.

PPPPS, by your fruits are you shown. So I just have to say to megatron and your evil minons, the day I'll be finished with you people, is the day you kill me. Gonna annoy you people right to the moment I leave.
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: sooyeah on 05/06/2008 09:33:40
                              SIM PLANET

"You know the problem with the game 'Sim eco-planet?'"

"No Megatron, what is the problem with 'Sim eco-planet' the game?"

"Well Starscream 2, every kid that plays it ends up wanting to get rid of us, so I have decided to make a new game called 'Sim money sphere'. Afterall lets not forget, every time something dies the G.D.P gos up."

"What happened to Starscream 1?" whispers James
"Shh, we don't talk about it" replies Jim
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Karen W. on 05/06/2008 10:25:55
Funny Jolly! Hee hee hee...
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Andrew K Fletcher on 08/06/2008 10:33:10
Husband and wife walking through the local supermarket. Husband grabs a pack of 20 cans of beer and puts it in the trolly. Wife lifts it out and puts it back on the shelf stating we cannot afford this.

Later his wife puts a £30.00 jar of face cream in the basket. Husband promptly takes it out and puts it back on the shelf stating we cannot afford this either!

Wife adds this cream is cheap and makes me beautiful

Husband replies, "So does the beer and it is £10.00 cheaper than the cream
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: sooyeah on 09/06/2008 13:00:48
                                MEGA DEATH            

An angel stands on the clouds, looking down to Earth below:

"Hey everyone come look at this" he says calling to a group of angels nearby.

"What is it Jim?" asks one of the troop as they come to see what he's talking about.

"It's this guy, I've been watching him for ages, first he started with elixirs of youth and stuff, but now, well, take a look"

"No way, he's built a robot body to stick his brain in"

"Yep" replies Jim

"he's really going for it, you think it'll, no, no, he's walking" says Tony

"That's just tragic" says Frank

"You see what fear can do to a man" says Jim

"He's more machine now than man" quibs Jeff

"That's pretty good" says Steve "how about this, it's his go-bot"

"Yeah yeah, it's his dream, machine"

"No, no, I got it, it's 'Robo-coward'"

"How about the termer-never"

"Noo, the termer-notter surely" says Jeff

Gabriel happening to walk past at this moment enquires "What are you all laughing about?" They stop laughing and act sheepish "Oh I see, what's the matter with you all" she says firmly "you Angels or monsters? He's just scared, OK, he's just scared; Now go and bring him back for peat-sake"

"Who's peat" says Jeff

"Don't make me pray" Replies Gabriel with a stern look, and then see walks off into the clouds and just before she disappears she says "By the way, when you all get back, we're chatting"

"Your fault" says Frank pushing Jeff
"Hey don't blame me man"
"Stop it" says Steve "It's all our fault. Now, who's going to go rain on him?   
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Karen W. on 09/06/2008 13:54:45
LOL LOL.. I like that one will send it to me son! Thanks Jolly .. Hope your well!
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: sooyeah on 10/06/2008 19:14:40

"He's moving into attack position"
----

"Jolly the chances of surviving a full postal assult on the empire are 250,000,000 to 1"

"Shut up cheese"
------

"Silly joke incoming sir"

"Quick, take evasive action" "TOO LATE!"

"Sir"

"WHAT?!"

"D-Section are Giggling"

"Bucket of water man, buckets of water, GO GO GO"

"ERR Sir, there still laughing"

"DAM YOU JOLLY!!"
-------

"You know what I realise cheese" "Well no how could I?"

"I realise that, if a bottom feeder runs the tank that everyone ends up living in the gravel"

"Do you want to say it or shall I?" "Flip a coin? No you say it"

"OK, We don't want your carrot and we ain't afraid of your stick, but keep right on hitting us little man"

Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Karen W. on 10/06/2008 19:28:51

"He's moving into attack position"
----

"Jolly the chances of surviving a full postal assult on the empire are 250,000,000 to 1"

"Shut up cheese"
------

"Silly joke incoming sir"

"Quick, take evasive action" "TOO LATE!"

"Sir"

"WHAT?!"

"D-Section are Giggling"

"Bucket of water man, buckets of water, GO GO GO"

"ERR Sir, there still laughing"

"DAM YOU JOLLY!!"
-------

"You know what I realise cheese" "Well no how could I?"

"I realise that, if a bottom feeder runs the tank that everyone ends up living in the gravel"

"Do you want to say it or shall I?" "Flip a coin? No you say it"

"OK, We don't want your carrot and we ain't afraid of your stick, but keep right on hitting us little man"



Hee hee hee.. Thats good...
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: sooyeah on 10/06/2008 19:42:39
                    INSURANCE THE CONVERSATION

Ringing sound

"Welcome to (please add company name) Insurance"

"Yeah hi, I bought this policy off you and it's not paying out"

"Please hold" Music starts 'Coz I'm a criminal, everytime I write a rhyme they just think it's a crime, Coz I'm a criminal'

"Hello problems department, how can we help?"

"Yes hi, I bought this policy off you and it's not paying out, so I'm calling to find out why?"

"Well sir, if you read article 7, paragraph 5, subsection C 10 of your contract, well you will see quite clearly that, we don't have to pay you anything"

"Hey, hey, come on the guy that sold me this policy told me it covers everything"

"Oh that guy, yes we know he's been fired"

"Sorry? That is ridiculous, my wife took out a new policy two days ago and the guy said the same thing to her"

"Was it the 'Super-Gold-Policy-Plus with tassels'?"

"Yes, the same policy I've got"

"Oh well that's it, maybe you would be interested in our new 'extra-super-gold policy-plus with tassels' you will have to pay into it for at least 3 years before you can claim anything, but it will resolve all the problems you are currently having, this policy truly does cover everything."

"I haven't got 3 years, I need an operation next week"

"Well sir, as I said if you read article 7, paragraph 5, subsection C 10 of your contract, you will see quite clearly we don't have to pay you anything"

"I want to speak to your manager"

"Ok sir, please hold" Music starts again 'Coz I'm a criminal(10 Mins later) everytime I write a'

"Hello, this is the manager how can I help?"

"You sound just the same as the last guy"

"Budget cuts sir, now what seems to be the problem?"

"Yeah, I bought this policy from you, it's not doing what it said it would, so I want my money back"

"Sir I would ask that you refrain from using such abusive language"

"Sorry? I just want my money back"

"Sir if you continue with this abusive language, I will be forced to refuse you service"

"Can I speak to your manager, please?"

"What the director of problems?"

To be continued forever.......
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: sooyeah on 10/06/2008 19:43:43

"He's moving into attack position"
Hee hee hee.. Thats good...

Thanks lady I do try. hugs
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Karen W. on 10/06/2008 19:45:54
LOL Now that sounds about right! LOL!

Yes you do.. Hugs you back!
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: RD on 10/06/2008 19:56:15
Quotes from motor insurance claim forms...

"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it."

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were -
Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

"Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus"

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood.
 I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."


http://www.businessballs.com/insuranceclaims.htm
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Karen W. on 10/06/2008 20:00:42
LOL LOL.. I like these jokes they are right up my alley! LOL LOL...
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Karen W. on 10/06/2008 20:11:21
OH MY GOSH.....RD.. LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOO HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE.. Those on the link are definitely keepers oh my word! My side is is hurting .. the one about I hit the old man and knocked him down but he said admitted it was his fault cause hed been knocked down before.... Or the guy that gets in a wreck because he was 3waving to the guy he hit last week! LOL  HA HAHA HAHA LOL....
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: sooyeah on 11/06/2008 13:31:04
                       
                                               STAND UP JOLLY...

"OK. Ladies and gents we welcome on to the stage tonight at the comedy club, the joker for Jesus, the maverick for Mary, the lover of the Lord, i..." "and everyone else"
"What?"
"and everyone else"
"Oh, And everyone else, just in from the barbarian fringe, please put them together for, Jolly"

"Hi, wherever I am, how are you all tonight? I hope your all good, I have nothing prepared by the way, I literally have just come here to be laughed at. So what shall we laugh at today then, other than me of course?
oh while you ponder, I just found out something tragic the other day, I mean really tragic, it has caused me to sit around mumbling to myself constantly, Boris won the election people, BORIS, it just makes London all christmassy doesn't it.
ARR whatever happens I"m sure he'll bring the house down. Don't get me wrong though, I do like the guy, there is a little Ken Clarke in there somewhere, after you get past the jugglers and candy cain. And I've realised something, I've understood, I see so clearly what's going on, every country is having a, who can elect the most stupid leader competition...."

"Sorry Jolly were going to have to ask you to stop"

"I've only been on two minutes, whats going on?"

"Grad him lads..... let go of the Mic"

"Be good and be happy people, be good and be happy, don't let the BXXXXXXX get you down"
     
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: sooyeah on 12/06/2008 12:39:46
                  My T'shirt company

So come one and all and add you ideas for T'shirts.

Front:
I don't know any Pixie Queen

Back:
I don't know any lily
--------------------------

Front:
(please insert the name of your countries security service, E.G. The CIA)
screwed me over and all I got was this lousy sheltered accommodation

Back:
Shh, don't tell anyone
-----------------------------

Front:
Vote for cheese

Back:
Nothing
----------------------

Front:
Do you know the CIAs Motto?

Back:
Don't whatever you do, look in the mirror!
--------------

"I could go on I have pages of these"

"Go on then"

"Dam it! fine I will"

Front:
errrr

Back:
ummmm
-----------------

Front:
Something something funny

Back:
Look over there, it's a giant ant.......

WE INTERUPT THIS INSANITY TO ASK THAT IF YOU HAVE A BETTER IDEA FOR A T'SHIRT, THAT YOU POST IT:
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Karen W. on 12/06/2008 13:47:32
LOL.. Hmmmm will have to mull that one over.. LOL
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: sooyeah on 14/06/2008 19:11:47
The main reason why, I decided to pick her, as it were, was because I felt that if I annoyed her enough, she might write a ´Shut up Jolly´ song. [;D]


POP QUIZ....

Is that true?

I'll let you ponder.
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Karen W. on 14/06/2008 22:30:44
Good.. Thanks.
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: sooyeah on 15/06/2008 13:49:39
                  My T'shirt company

WE INTERUPT THIS INSANITY TO ASK THAT IF YOU HAVE A BETTER IDEA FOR A T'SHIRT, THAT YOU POST IT:


Front:

The person wearing this is an idiot

Back:

Kick me
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Karen W. on 15/06/2008 13:54:31
                  My T'shirt company

WE INTERUPT THIS INSANITY TO ASK THAT IF YOU HAVE A BETTER IDEA FOR A T'SHIRT, THAT YOU POST IT:


Front:

The person wearing this is an idiot

Back:

Kick me

Your original statement on the front or the back with a bright yellow post it on the back..
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: sooyeah on 15/06/2008 14:10:28
                  My T'shirt company

WE INTERUPT THIS INSANITY TO ASK THAT IF YOU HAVE A BETTER IDEA FOR A T'SHIRT, THAT YOU POST IT:


Front:

The person wearing this is an idiot

Back:

Kick me

Your original statement on the front or the back with a bright yellow post it on the back..

How about a big yellow foam arrow, pointing at the shoulder?
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Karen W. on 15/06/2008 14:12:39
That would be good but it would not wash well! Hee hee hee,,,
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: sooyeah on 15/06/2008 14:31:12
That would be good but it would not wash well! Hee hee hee,,,

Karen it would be bad enough if you actually bought that T'shirt for you child, but then when they come home covered in crap and all beaten up; to take it off them wash it and give it back to them, so they can just go do it all again tomorrow- That's just cruel.
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Karen W. on 15/06/2008 14:34:11
LOL LOL LOL... Oh come on... whats a little ruckus makes em tough! LOL "Just kidding"
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: sooyeah on 17/06/2008 16:35:58
Lily I are you crazy? What are you doing taking advice from Kate?

Kate's OK, but she's from Addiscombe, and if there is a 'Golden rule' in life, it's don't listen to anyone from Addiscombe. Addiscombe's ok, it's like Greece to Rome, you know. But where's Rome Lily? Where's Rome?

Yes there is a point to this post. I have just forgotten it.... Arr someone will get it, whatever it was. 


Lily we gotta get together we'd be like, Sunny and Cher for chavs.

Think of the chavs lily, they need a Sunny and Cher. [:P]
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Karen W. on 17/06/2008 17:17:55
LOL.. LOL
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: sooyeah on 17/06/2008 17:29:31
                                   Hey Everyone

So it's that time again. I have to go off and do stuff and so won't be posting again for a while, if at all. [:-'(] We'll see what the Man does.

It's as always been a pleasure. Sorry to those I have upset, if I have that is.

Sorry to anyone expecting a reply to something, I'm not going to be able to, but anyway.

So going to have to love you and leave you again, I may be back on some time before the end of the year(God willling ofcourse).

HUGS to all

Going to leave you with a song: (Open and minimise)

Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Karen W. on 17/06/2008 18:04:17
Bye Jolly..Take care .. That was a very beautiful song! Thanks!
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: sooyeah on 21/07/2008 19:00:57
Hi di hi,

The man still posts, ladies and gents, how does he do it? We don't know.

The Odor tortures just crap. Anyway...

Big Brother: "Jolly, the unexamined life isn't worth living, so you can see right there, I'm not a pervert, I'm a saint"  [;D]

Anyway, how are you all?

Here's a joke to get started, someone told me it at the beginning of last year:

Two soldiers walking through the desert and they come across a lady buried up to her neck in sand, she shouts "help please, dig me out" they reply "well, what will you give us if we do?" The lady thinks a moment and says 'sand' [:)]

Are we gender literate yet? [:D]
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: sooyeah on 21/07/2008 19:06:06
Here's a question,

If Makaveli was a women do you think she'd have said: "What do you want the hood or the feed bag?"

I'll let you ponder, if you were a female Makaveli what would you say?
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Karen W. on 21/07/2008 19:36:42
Welcome to the forum JO-ey! Enjoy your time here.
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: sooyeah on 22/07/2008 13:28:36
Welcome to the forum JO-ey! Enjoy your time here.

Thankyou lady.......what

Hey everyone:

One for the Hicks fans: "Ann-gel, were you going with that lightening bolt in your hand"

You want to get it, you'll have to become one.

Here's a song everyone, one of Bills favs too


PEACE. I love you all but it's time to move on.

Be good and be happy

Jolly
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Karen W. on 22/07/2008 21:10:57
Bye for now Jolly.. I will write soon.. Thanks for the Jokes Jo-ey.. Hee hee

Be safe take care..

Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: WIZBIT_69 on 27/09/2008 19:37:47
Howdy everyone.


"My fellow Americans I thank you for working hard and bringing peace between men and fish. Today I ask you to stand firm and united, to do everything you can, to help turn this country commie, Now watch this drive"

and so I'm singing:

A long long time ago
Which some of us remember
There was a crash upon wall street
and people queued for a long time
trying to get some food to survive
and it all went a bit nuts for a while
so then we had a big fat war
to kill off all the surplus poor
and a new deal came in to help out
those that were left
so now it seems it's happening again
just to increase the wealth of a few rich men
and when you look at it it's quite insane
The day the system died

Soo, Bye bye the American lie
they've gone commie
It's not funny
and their in the house white
I heard Bush's' speech and I started to cry
thinking
Oh my god my shares have just dived
Oh my god my shares have just died

Did you write the book of law
and do have any faith anymore,
if the politicians tell you so
and do you believe in the free market
could the system save you from the dip
and can you teach us where to put our cash flowoo

Well I know that your a commie now
coz you wanna go nationalise us out
it doesn't seem a ok
it doesn't feel like the American way
ouuuu
I was lonely teenage investor jock
with a small portfolio and Ford Escort
and I knew you wouldn't give me stock
the day the system died

I started signing

bye bye Mr bushy bye bye
maybe Vader some day later
now he's just a presidential guy
and his rich old friends were drinking whiskey and rye
saying
come on lets all go nationalise
come on lets all go nationalise
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Karen W. on 27/09/2008 20:27:13
co exist with fish.. eh.. well when the humans get hungry and their resources have dwindled down to nothing.... they exist as best they can and if that means a change in diet  so be it! You me or the fish.. The fish looses hands down!
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: WIZBIT_69 on 28/09/2008 13:13:11
co exist with fish.. eh.. well when the humans get hungry and their resources have dwindled down to nothing.... they exist as best they can and if that means a change in diet  so be it! You me or the fish.. The fish looses hands down!

well, Karen is it, I don't think Mr bush will be very happy about that idea, I actually thought that Mr bush was serious, and I agreed with him; fish being murdered and dieing out and all that. But someone said to me yesterday that "actually that bush quote was a gaff" and that he wasn't serious at all.

Which just lead me to think 'well that's a Freudian slip and a half'

Hands up all those who think that in a few years we'll see Bush's' wife on CNN;

Reporter: "So when was it you first realised that something was up?"

Mrs Bush: "Well I always thought there was something abit weird going on when George kept bringing gold fish home from the office"

Reporter: "So then, that was the moment you realised"

Mrs Bush: "Actually it was when he started making them little pink dresses and bringing them to bed with him. I would wake up some mornings and..(tears)..I, I cant talk about it it's too horrific"

Reporter: "And now for something extremely similar"

I just wonder how Bush reflects on his first day at S and B...(searching for black stuff [;)])

"They untied me nuts, opened those big old doors and there they were..  [:X]..it was the greatest day of my life"
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: WIZBIT_69 on 28/09/2008 14:56:08
It's not true ladies and gents Bush isn't a commie. No, he's a national socialist.

That's not true either, really he's not anything; This whole situation is just symptomatic of what happens when:

       'nepotism goes nuts'
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Karen W. on 28/09/2008 21:05:15
LOL.. yes that is funny....

Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: WIZBIT_69 on 29/09/2008 12:39:13
                          PORN....

OK so, I mean, I like eating you know, I quite enjoy food, Steak and chips, maybe even a burger or two, but I am not going down the video store and asking the guy behind the counter if he has anything in the way of, 'Guy eating steak or girl eating salad'.

"Yeah you got anything on Mcd's food? Ouu Group eat steak part 7, sounds great!"

A guy said to me once "You know most of the men and women in porn a gay, thats how they last so long"  Well I didn't know that but he did just give me a whole new list of reasons not to watch it.


That's quite funny I can see some guy getting back to his flat and he says to his flat mate:

"Hey I just got, 'Group chew stake part 7' looks good"

Flat mate: "No, I've already seen it, you know the whole cast is vegetarian don't you"

"Oh maaann!"

Flatmate: "Well that's why they take so long to eat"
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: WIZBIT_69 on 29/09/2008 12:45:01
So I don't know if you heard but apparently they have seen wild dolphins tail walking, apparently they believe that a dolphin, that was realised or escaped from a marine park taught others how to do it.

That's just great isn't it- the glory.

Just see it now, his first day out in the sea and this newly free dolphin meets some other wild dolphins and goes "check this out"

and all the girls and bush go "wooow"
 
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: fred on 16/11/2008 17:03:06
House of commons 2040

"Secretary of state for nothing' what's happened?"

"Well, 'minister formerly in charge of something' apparently the 'minister of receipts' has well, lost some receipts"

"Oh my god! Do the press know?"

"We're not actually sure,the 'secretary of state of chair cleaning on a Tuesday' said he gave all his receipts to the 'minister of the wine bar',but the 'minister of the wine bar' denies it saying that he couldn't possibly of taken those receipts as, he has a big delivery that day"

"What does the 'secretary of state for arse kissing N-power' think?"

"We don't know he's still in a meeting, But the 'Primed minister' thinks, that the whole problem could be solved by creating a new cabinet position entitled 'The Secretary of state for checking that other ministers have given their receipts to the minister of receipts properly"

"I'm not sure that is such a good idea, you know how jealous some of them get; it is a very long title"
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: fred on 16/11/2008 17:06:40
So with the global market crash going on all around us some have suggested using computers to do the regulating,

HENCE:

sound of heavy footsteps at the end of the hall

'clunk' 'clunk'

bunch of guys in suits in one of the rooms

"Keep shredding! Keep shredding!"

'clunk' 'clunk'

"Faster! come on, he's almost here!"

'clunk' 'clunk'

'Burn it all, go go go!"

'clunk' cyborg with suit case stands in door way

"DROP IT! DEAD OR ALIVE I'M READING THAT FILE"

music starts, titles role, voice over comes in

"He was an accountant who nearly died in a terrible photocoping accident, so the government took his half dead body and turned him into a Cyborg, today he stalks the city offices, fighting for tough regulation on wallstreet and beyond; he is:


ROBO-REGULATOR'

music continues in it's 80s style, shots of friends smiling, boss man making a coffee, white collar hood being locked up.


Or how about?

OK so how about rather than a cyborg, they have a little computer box thing that sits in on board meeting,

IN THE BOARD ROOM:

Tom: "Well, why don't we just sell those dodgy holdings?"

(robot voice)
Bot: "ERRR, that is against article 2175 B of the state regulatory code"

Jim: "Can't we switch him off?"

Bot: "ERRR, no you cannot switch me off, that is against article 59007 d of the state regulatory code, I have two reserve batteries"

Tom:(whispers)"Let's smash him"

Bot: "ERRR, you cannot smash me, that is against article 587492 F of the state regulatory code, I have armour platting"

James: "Can't we throw him out the window?"

Bot: "ERRR, no you cannot throw me out the window, that is a federal offence, and against article 897854512457 N of the state regulatory code, I have a paracute"

Bot was last herd saying "ERRRRR, I'll be back!"

Later that day, in taxi:

Bot: "ERRR, ownership of Crocodiles is prohibited under state law section 584758 D, I shall inform the 'Animal Safety Commission'. ERRR, you are not allowed to over take on the inside, that is a state offence under section 7 of the high way code, I am currently emailing a state trooper"

Back at Regulatory authority head quarters

Bot: "ERRR that is against cleaning procedure 198765, of the maintenance guide"
 
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Karen W. on 16/11/2008 21:42:11
LOL LOL LOL....Pretty good! Welcome Fred!
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Karen W. on 16/11/2008 21:45:54
Welcome to the forum JO-ey! Enjoy your time here.

Thankyou lady.......what

Hey everyone:

One for the Hicks fans: "Ann-gel, were you going with that lightening bolt in your hand"

You want to get it, you'll have to become one.

Here's a song everyone, one of Bills favs too


PEACE. I love you all but it's time to move on.

Be good and be happy

Jolly

I did not see this.. I have never heard this Bob Dylan.. song.. Thanks!
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: mcgiverofthegarden on 14/05/2009 13:51:17
             
                     Dulcinea! What you done to me!

So anyway the little cowards are still gassing me daily, very brave I must say, the bunch of people that sneak around drugging others up, what guts they have, so very Christian, shows alot of love.

But as I always say, Not bothered the cowards can come and torture me some more for all I care, we turn the other cheek and love back.

Have to add considering that I have now given up my citizenship it really does express the truth, that those who really rule today, actually think they own everyone, and can pretty much treat them as they want. So much for civilisation.

Be good and be happy people here I'll show you my-
 
                              Epitaph

Here lyith half a person the other half is in some lab somewhere being examined.
Born (add date)
Named( put name) by his father who no doubt payed for this.
Died (add date).
Final thought was believe to be 'and there still listening'
favorite quotes were: "If a bottom feeder runs the tank everyone lives in the gravel" and "better a beggar in the land of the seeing than a king in the land of the blind"

Yours with love

ME
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Karen W. on 15/05/2009 11:06:20
             
                     Dulcinea! What you done to me!

So anyway the little cowards are still gassing me daily, very brave I must say, the bunch of people that sneak around drugging others up, what guts they have, so very Christian, shows alot of love.

But as I always say, Not bothered the cowards can come and torture me some more for all I care, we turn the other cheek and love back.

Have to add considering that I have now given up my citizenship it really does express the truth, that those who really rule today, actually think they own everyone, and can pretty much treat them as they want. So much for civilisation.

Be good and be happy people here I'll show you my-
 
                              Epitaph

Here lyith half a person the other half is in some lab somewhere being examined.
Born (add date)
Named( put name) by his father who no doubt payed for this.
Died (add date).
Final thought was believe to be 'and there still listening'
favorite quotes were: "If a bottom feeder runs the tank everyone lives in the gravel" and "better a beggar in the land of the seeing than a king in the land of the blind"

Yours with love

ME




  Always wearing his heart on his sleeve......ah how Quixote must have grieved!

I hope his grief was not in vein, and that he finds his Dulcinea once again!

Thanks for reviving this old thread........nice  posts mcgiverofthegarden!
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Karen W. on 16/05/2009 21:20:05
Your welcome Mcgiverofthegarden! Thank ou for the jokes....

Honestly don't understand that one yet..I need to ponder it a bit more!
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: mcgiverofthegarden on 17/05/2009 13:45:34
Teddy Roosevelt said:

"the greatest prize life offers, is the chance to work hard at work worth doing"

Sadly some seem to think that life's greatest prize is the chance to sit on a beach and do nothing with their lives.



And so in honour of those that think an easy life is a good reason to give up liberty, I name this post:

          '50 years on in the assimilated states of the latvain modern republic'
 

"So apart from the new Igloo homes, daisy chain sunday, the little elf robots that do the washing up, the hell-ta-skel-ta L-train, the fancy happy shoes and of course badger hugging Monday. What have the Latvians ever done for us?

"Snow cones"

"What?"

"Arr yeah Reg remember how hard life was before the new snow cones"

Reg: "Well obviously the snow cones. So apart from...."
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Karen W. on 18/05/2009 05:26:30
??????
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: mcgiverofthegarden on 18/05/2009 11:55:38
??????

Karen You know I love you, right? Just to help.

Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Karen W. on 18/05/2009 12:37:38
??????

Karen You know I love you, right? Just to help.



What a sweet thing to say....  Thank you for your kind words. I will have to check those out when I get on a real computer!  My phone has a hardware problem and won't play the videos.... are there lyrics to read somewhere?  is it music or just video?
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: mcgiverofthegarden on 18/05/2009 13:20:58
??????

Karen You know I love you, right? Just to help.



What a sweet thing to say....  Thank you for your kind words. I will have to check those out when I get on a real computer!  My phone has a hardware problem and won't play the videos.... are there lyrics to read somewhere?  is it music or just video?

It's a film, Life of brian.
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Karen W. on 18/05/2009 13:44:15
ok... I do know.....I found the lyrics for the Song...beautiful when do you think?
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: mcgiverofthegarden on 18/05/2009 18:52:12
It's not a song it's a film clip.

Hi everyone someone just asked me what daisy chain sunday was, I replied of course "What you asking me for I'm not Latvian"
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Karen W. on 18/05/2009 20:01:35
When I click on the link it takes me to a song by paul potts and a bebop video I can't watch...Is the bebop video a clip about the film of the life of Brian..I have seen the actual movie but nowhere in the link is coming up the life of Brian/movie .
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Karen W. on 18/05/2009 20:23:13
It's not a song it's a film clip.

Hi everyone someone just asked me what daisy chain sunday was, I replied of course "What you asking me for I'm not Latvian"

I know it is not a song...

Thank you...and Have you an idea how much I loved making daisy chains as a kid..out in the open yard...on a lovely day?   
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Don_1 on 20/05/2009 10:07:45
If someone has been subjected to a goring by a mule armed with a stiletto, could we wedge them on to a platform, look at their eye, tongue and throat , bandage their shank , revamp their toe,  wash the wound with Imperial Leather, lace it with sandalwood, reboot their inner sole and mock a sin in order to heel them, and would it last? Or am I just talking a load of cobblers
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Karen W. on 20/05/2009 10:43:35
LOL...LOL...LOLThats very good Don 1 !
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Karen W. on 05/02/2011 21:17:27
??????

Karen You know I love you, right? Just to help.


Yes I do and I just listened again to all those clips..LOL I love Monty Python! Always look on the bright side of death...always look on the bright side of life! I also watched  all the other python clips...Wonderful and thanks for all the memories..
You Know I love you too, right?...very good xxxxx
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: SeanB on 07/02/2011 18:52:39
I remember watching Life of Brian when it was still a banned film.........
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Karen W. on 08/02/2011 02:50:49
Really...? I did not know it had been banned.I guess thinking about it it was a out there for back then...LOL
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: imatfaal on 08/02/2011 17:16:23
Dunno If Life of Brian ever got banned here in the UK - there was a lot of trouble about it, including famous chat show with Palin/Cleese and Muggeridge and a rent-a-bishop; but never banned.
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: SeanB on 09/02/2011 18:38:45
Karen, I do not live in the UK................
Title: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
Post by: Karen W. on 14/02/2011 14:49:38
ft
Karen, I do not live in the UK................
Oh well that's nice...LOL..I do not think that i thought that you did...I think that was Imatfaal...who mentioned not knowing if python had or had not been banned in the UK or not...