Naked Science Forum

General Discussion & Feedback => Just Chat! => Topic started by: omid on 02/02/2010 08:53:35

Title: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 02/02/2010 08:53:35
Hey guys,
omid is starting this thread to give all of them, a smile of the day, who don't smile a lot. omid'll post a funny joke (at least according to omid) everyday.
Most of omid's jokes would about a funny man named Tom
if any of u find omid's jokes boring and repetitive plz stop omid there [;)]
So here is the starter..............

Tom went to a job interview
Boss: what's your date of birth?
Tom: 11th of October
Boss: 11 Oct in which year?
Tom: in every year [:D] [:D] [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 03/02/2010 07:45:41
Okay before omid leaves for college here's the one for today

Few children were palying a game that the one would utter the biggest lie would be declared the winner, in the mean time a priest was passing through,
He asked the kids
Priest: what are you playing?
one of the kid: the bigger the lie the winner the person
Priest: very bad, when I was of your age I never lied.
Kid: OH NOOOOOOOO priest won the prize [:D] [:D] [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 04/02/2010 08:17:21
Here is todays biggie [:)]

An urgent call was put in for a plumber at noon but he didn’t arrive until 5 hours later. “How is it?” he asked entering the house. “Not so bad,” replied the home owner. “While we were waiting for you to arrive I taught my wife how to swim.”

 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 05/02/2010 18:20:21
A man needing a heart transplant is told be his doctor that the only heart available is that of a sheep. The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants that sheep's heart into the man. A few days after the operation, the man comes in for a checkup. The doctor asks him, 'How are you feeling?' the man replies, 'Not BAAAAAD!"  [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: neilep on 05/02/2010 18:35:35
Nice Jokes Omid..

Thank ewe
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 06/02/2010 10:05:45
Nice Jokes Omid..

Thank ewe

Thanks Neil, omid glad you liked them [:)]

here's the one for today [;)]

An inspector went to a school for inspection to find out how the kids are doing?
he went to a class and asked a student


Inspector: imagine you're on the 3rd floor of the building and the building catches fire, what are you gona do?

Student: Very simple; I am gona stop my imagination on that point [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: geo driver on 06/02/2010 11:09:40
you heard of the dyslexic Satanist ?

sold his sole to santa
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Variola on 06/02/2010 12:18:57
Two tankers have collided in the English Channel, one carrying red paint the other carrying blue. Both crews are said to be marooned...  [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 07/02/2010 14:01:31
OK! omid heard this one in last night party [:)]

The head teacher of a school, who had just joined the school, was on round of the school to find out how things are going?
after passing by a class he felt that there was too much noise in the class, he entered the class and observed that the tallest student was causing most of the disturbance in the class, he was very annoyed to see that and asked the tallest student to stand on the bench as punishment.
after that the head teacher asked one of the student,

Head teacher: so you tell me where is your teacher [>:(]
Student: Innocently, Sir the guy standing on the bench is our teacher [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 08/02/2010 07:57:30
Lets start the week with this one [:)]

Santa was thrown out of the bus by some guys
a man asked Santa
man: why did they throw you out?
Santa: I don't know
Man; but what did you do?
Santa: nothing really, actually I was looking at the picture of my wife and due to the strong wind the pic slipped out of my hand and went under the skirt of a lady so all I said to that lady was;

"COULD YOU PLEASE LIFT UP YOUR SKIRT I WANT TO TAKE PICTURE" [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 09/02/2010 17:43:35
Tom enters the room of his mum and said;

Tom: Do u remember the vase you bought yesterday?
Mum: what about that?
Tom: what if some one broke it?
Mum: I'll break his head
Tom: Quick mum, because daddy has just done so [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: peppercorn on 10/02/2010 12:31:47
Little Tom is 5 years old.
One day he notices his mummy has a bulge developing around her middle.

Tom:    "Mummy, mummy - what's that lump in you tummy?"
Mummy: "Well, Tom. Because daddy loves me very much, he has given me a baby."


Little Tom is perplexed by this, so later on Tom sidles up to his father.
Tom:   "Daddy, daddy - did you give mummy a baby?"
Daddy (earnestly): "Yes, Tom.  I did"


Tom:   "Oh, daddy....  I'm so sorry to have to tell on mummy, but....



           well, she's eaten it!"                                            [:o]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 10/02/2010 18:04:44
Tom's 5 years old and his Mum is Pregnant,
Tom wne to dad ans asked;

Tom: Dad, dad why's mum's tummy so big?
(Since Tom was too young so Dad didnt wanted to tell him about mum being pregnant)
Dad: mum's tummy is filled with water
Tom: OH MY GOD! dad plz do something or the baby will drowned [:D] 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 12/02/2010 08:25:37
OK guys,
omid getting late for college but before omid leaves here is the one for today

Dad asked Tom;
Dad: Tom, when I stop you from playing videos games how do you control it, whats the thing that you do satisfy you
Tom: nothing special Dad! all I do is clean the toilet with you toothbrush [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: peppercorn on 12/02/2010 11:09:25
Αn Irishman walks into a pub.
The barman asks him, "I haven't seen you for ages, Tommy.  What'll be havin'?"
Tommy says, "Give me three pints of Stout please."
So the barman pours him three pints and the man takes a seat and proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.
The barman calls over, "Tommy, If you don't like keep getting up, I'll keep my eye out and bring you a fresh one when you get low."
But Tommy says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Stouts too, and we're drinking together."
The barman thought that was a wonderful tradition and every week the man came in and ordered three beers.

Then one week Tommy came in and ordered only two.
The barman said to him, "Tommy, I'm so sorry - Has something bad happened to one of your brothers?"

Tommy said, "Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."      [;D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: doppler1 on 12/02/2010 11:22:03
Have any of you heard the one about the logic scientist??? I am askingbecause it is longish but brilliant and too lazy on tis Friday to type it up if you have heard it :p
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 13/02/2010 19:20:27
Santa enters a store that sell curtains.

He tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."

The salesman assured him that they had a large selection of pink curtains. He showed him several patterns, but Santa seemed to be having a hard time choosing.

Finally, he selects a lovely pink floral print.

The salesman asked what size curtains he needed.

Santa replies, "Fifteen inches."

"Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small, what room are they for?"

Santa tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for his computer monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, "But, sir, computers do not have curtains!"

Santa says, "Hellllooooooooo........I've got Windows!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 14/02/2010 16:26:27
Santa and Banta fly to the south sea islands to study the natives. They go to two adjacent islands and set to work. A few months later Santa takes a boat over to the other island to see how Banta is doing. When he gets there, he finds Banta standing among a group of natives.

"Greetings! How is it going?" says Santa.

"Wonderful!" says Banta, "I have discovered an important fact about the local language! Watch!"

He points at a palm tree and says, "What is that?"

The natives, in unison, say, "Umbalo-gong!"

He then points at a rock and says, "And that?"

The natives again intone, "Umbalo-gong!"

"You see!", says the beaming Banta, "They use the SAME word for 'rock' and for 'palm tree'!"

"That is truly amazing!" says the astonished Santa, "On the other island, the same word means 'index finger'!" [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 15/02/2010 20:15:39
santa asked banta "why does Gorden Brown go for evening walk?
banta: because he is PM but not a.m  [;)]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: geo driver on 16/02/2010 04:13:37
why dont people like gorden brown on sight?

saves time
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 17/02/2010 20:25:01
santa's wife: if I die what would u do?
Santa: I'll die too
santa's wife: why is that so?
Santa: sometimes too much joy can kill you too.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Make it Lady on 17/02/2010 20:38:09
My family were so poor that when the wolf was at the door, we ate it.

We couldn't afford toys. My brothers were lucky, being boys at least they had something to play with.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 18/02/2010 17:06:37
being boys at least they had something to play with.

Omid didn't actually get this bit
what is it that boys've to play with????????????
omid asked all her friends and papa too but they didn't really answered
what is it Make It Lady?????????
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Make it Lady on 18/02/2010 17:24:51
Why, they're Adams apples of course!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 19/02/2010 11:11:31
Santa came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife, Jeeto, with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.

"Was it my friend Banta", he demanded.

"No !" his weeping wife replied.

"Was it my friend Ramta then?" he asked.

"No !!!" she said even more upset.

"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.

"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" Jeeto snapped [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 20/02/2010 07:21:25
Banta was not home at his usual hour, and his wife, Preeto, was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was Banta, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.

"Do you realize what time it is?" she asked.

He answered, "Don't get excited. I'm late because I bought something for the house."

Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she asked, "What did you buy for the house, dear?"

Banta's answer was, "A round of drinks!" [:)]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 23/02/2010 18:15:14
Banta walks into a bar for a bar and takes a seat. However, just as the bartender put the beer on the bar, there was a loud disturbance outside. Hey ran out to see what was going on but soon went back to drink his beer.

When he got back he found his glass empty and a note saying: "Thanks for the beer!"

Banta was a little ticked-off but ordered another beer anyway. Again, just as the bartender put the beer down a loud crash was heard in the street. Thinking that someone ran into his parked car, Banta runs outside to check on things. Seeing that his car was okay he returned to the bar and again found his glass empty and another note that said: "Thanks again, this was as good as the first one."

Well he still hadn't had a beer to quench his thirst, so he ordered another. Just as the bartender put the beer down, a series of shots were heard outside. This time Banta wasn't going to lose his beer to anybody. So he spit into the beer and left a note saying, "Enjoy, I just spit into the beer." He then ran outside to see what had happened.

When Banta returned he was delighted to find that his beer was just where he left it.

However this time the note said: "You enjoy, I spit in it too!" [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 25/02/2010 16:02:24
Santa and Banta decide to apply for jobs at a mine that had opened nearby. After sitting in the waiting room for a while, Banta gets called in for his interview.

The boss asks Banta if he had worked underground mines before? Banta says that he had.

The boss asks him how deep under ground he worked?

Banta says, "Oh, about 8 to 10 feet."

The boss says, "Mines are a lot deeper than that, get out of here - you're no miner!"

On his way out, Banta tells Santa to tell the boss that he worked real deep underground so he could get the job. Santa gets called in.

The boss asks Santa if he had worked underground mines before?

Santa says, "Oh sure."

The boss asks how deep underground he worked.

Santa says, "I used to work in a mine 20,000 feet underground."

The boss says, "20,000 feet, Wow! That is incredible!, "What kind of lights did you use in a mine so deep underground?"

Santa says, "Oh, I didn't need a light, I worked on the day shift!" [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 26/02/2010 07:52:11
Banta was carrying a large fish in a bucket of water away from a lake, which was well known for its excellent fishing when a Fishery officer stopped him.

The officer says, "Do you have a fishing license?"

Banta replies, "Don't need a license, this is my pet fish."

"Pet fish?" the officer asked.

Banta answers, "Yes, every night I take my fish down to the lake and let him swim around for a while, then I whistle and he jumps up on shore and I put him in his bucket and we go back home."

"That's a bunch of baloney, fish can't do that."

Banta looks at the officer and says, "You want me to show you?"

Very curious now, the officer says, "O.K. I've got to see this"

Banta pours the fish into the lake then stands there waiting.

After a few minutes, the officer turns to Banta and says, "Well?"

"Well, What?" Banta says.

The Officer asks, "Are you going to call your fish back?"

"Fish! What fish?" Banta responds. [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: doppler1 on 26/02/2010 08:32:57
Did you hear the one about the South African Ventriloquist in the Australian outback???? Well he goes into a bar in the outback and has a few beers with the local farmers. After a couple he decides to have some fun by applying his trade as nobody knows his skill. He sees a dog sitting at the base of the bar and asks loudly, whose dog is that? one of the farmers replies that it is his so he asks if he can have a talk to the dog so they all say "come on mate, we all know dogs can not talk". So the ventriloquist asks the dog how his day is going and then responds for the dog in his best Aussie accent. The bar is stunned into complete silence and the patrons cannot believe what has just happened. Anyway to cut the story short, the ventriloquist then asks who's sheep were grazing outside and if he can have a quick chat to them and one of the farmers quickly pipes up "No point mate....they are all bloody liars" :)(Maybe a bit local but the Aussies will get it)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 27/02/2010 19:05:34
Did you hear the one about the South African Ventriloquist in the Australian outback???? Well he goes into a bar in the outback and has a few beers with the local farmers. After a couple he decides to have some fun by applying his trade as nobody knows his skill. He sees a dog sitting at the base of the bar and asks loudly, whose dog is that? one of the farmers replies that it is his so he asks if he can have a talk to the dog so they all say "come on mate, we all know dogs can not talk". So the ventriloquist asks the dog how his day is going and then responds for the dog in his best Aussie accent. The bar is stunned into complete silence and the patrons cannot believe what has just happened. Anyway to cut the story short, the ventriloquist then asks who's sheep were grazing outside and if he can have a quick chat to them and one of the farmers quickly pipes up "No point mate....they are all bloody liars" :)(Maybe a bit local but the Aussies will get it)

Good one Doppler1 [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 27/02/2010 19:20:16
Banta has a cross-eyed bull that keeps bumping into things. He calls up to vet to try to remedy the problem.

The vet says, "I think the best thing is to stick a pipe up his ass and blow real hard and the bulls' eyes will straighten out."

The vet - a 70 year old man - inserts the pipe and blows. The bulls' eyes begin to straighten, but the vet soon looses his breath and the bulls' eyes are crossed again. The vet gives it another try, but looses his breath again.

The vet looks at Banta and says, "You look like a strong man, why don't you give it a try."

Banta agrees. He then takes the pipe out of the bulls' ass, turns it around, and sticks it back in. He then begins to blow.

"sh1t!!!" says the vet. "What in the hell did you do that for?"

Banta replies, "You don't think I am going to put my mouth on the same end of the pipe that you had your on." [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Ethos on 27/02/2010 23:28:08
A Moron went to a Psychiatrist to seek help for his intellect. The Psychiatrist judging this individaul to be an easy mark, gave him rabbit dropings and suggested he take one a day until his mental ability started to improve. After two weeks the Moron came back and the Psychiatrist tested his IQ again. After the test, the Moron's IQ hadn't improved so he was sent back home for another month with another helping of rabbit dropings to injest. This went on for several months until the Moron became suspicious and returned to the Psychiatrist earlier than his next appointment specified. He then cornered the Psychiatrist and demanded, "Why have you been feeding rabbit sh1t to me over the past several months and calling them smart pills?" The Psychiatrist becoming very amused at the Moron then anounced very bluntly, "Now you're getting smart aren't you?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 28/02/2010 18:05:03
A Moron went to a Psychiatrist to seek help for his intellect. The Psychiatrist judging this individaul to be an easy mark, gave him rabbit dropings and suggested he take one a day until his mental ability started to improve. After two weeks the Moron came back and the Psychiatrist tested his IQ again. After the test, the Moron's IQ hadn't improved so he was sent back home for another month with another helping of rabbit dropings to injest. This went on for several months until the Moron became suspicious and returned to the Psychiatrist earlier than his next appointment specified. He then cornered the Psychiatrist and demanded, "Why have you been feeding rabbit sh1t to me over the past several months and calling them smart pills?" The Psychiatrist becoming very amused at the Moron then anounced very bluntly, "Now you're getting smart aren't you?"

Nice one Infy [;D]


Once Santa kept having the same weird dream everynight, so he went to a doctor.

Doctor: What was your dream about?
Santa: I was being chased by a vampire!
Doctor: (giggles quitely) So... what is the scenery like?
Santa: I was running in a hall way.
Doctor: Then what happened?
Santa: Well that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always come to this door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn't budge!
Doctor: Does the door have any letters on it?
Santa: Yes it did.
Doctor: And what did these letter spell?
Santa: It said "Pull" [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 02/03/2010 18:34:57
Santa had 6 kids and 5of them were lookalikes whiles the 6th one was different.
he used to ask his wife all the time that "please tell me who is the father to the 6th one" and his wife alwasy used to say "YOU are the father to the 6th one"
one day when hiw wife was dying he asked again "at least tell me now" and his wife responds "trust me you're the father to the 6th one" then he asked "then why does he look different from the rest?"
his wife replied " because only the 6th one is yours" [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 03/03/2010 12:08:48
OK Omid about to leave for psychology's class but before that here's the one for today

Santa's father asked Santa

Papa: my son what do you wana become when you grow up?

Santa: Father! I wana become pilot

Papa: Very pleasantly very good but how would we know that you flying the airplane

Santa: don't worry Father, when I'll crossing my house in plane I'll throw a BOMB at my house and then you'll know that its Me [:D]

Omid off for class [;)]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 04/03/2010 07:42:00
Omid about to leave for college in next few minutes but here's the one for today [;)]

Santa was sleeping with his mum and felt thirsty in mid night
he asked mum

Santa: i am thirsty, get me a glass of water please.
Mum: stop it, and go to sleep
Santa: Mum! m thirsty please
Mum: i said go sleep
Santa: But I need to drink water
Mum: Go sleep or I'll go and bring a stick to thrash u with
Santa: OK mum! but while bringing the stick make sure you DO get me a glass of water too [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 07/03/2010 13:50:38
Santa was standing outside of the class
and passin teacher asked him;

Teacher: why are you standing out of the class?
Santa: teacher asked me a question which I answered correctly
Teacher: So????????????
Santa: teacher said OUTSTANDING!!!!!!!!!!!! [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 08/03/2010 17:26:20
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!" [:-X]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 09/03/2010 08:18:21
Santa and Banta, along with some friends agreed to try a Thai Restaurant.

While looking at the menu, Banta noticed Santa looking at the vegetarian section of the menu.

"What would you like Santa?" he asked.

"I’m looking at this Eggplant Spicy dish," Santa replied.

"Santa, you like meat and potatoes. You won’t like that dish," Banta said.

"What do you know," answered Santa, "I'm getting it."

"Santa, I'm telling you, you are a meat and potatoes kind of guy. You won’t like it!" Banta exclaimed.

"I’m getting it and that is the last word!" says Santa.

A short while later the meals arrive at the table.

Santa looks down and his dish and says to Banta, “Where are my eggs?” [:D] [:D] [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 12/03/2010 07:03:09
Banta was driving back home when there was a terrible hailstorm. Huge hailstones the size of tennis balls pelted his car leaving it full of dents.

He drove to the nearby automotive center and asked what he should do. The mechanic explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at least 50pounds to repair. Banta said that was too much and asked if there was some other way to fix it.

He decided to have a little fun and said, "Well you could blow into the tail pipe real hard and they might pop back out."

Banta decided to give it a try before spending that much money. He drove home and was in the garage with his lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe when his neighbour Santa came over to visit.

"What are you doing?" asked Santa.

"I'm blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop all these dents out of my car," explained Banta.

"Well silly, it's not going to work," replied Santa.

"Why not?" asked Banta.

"Because you've got to roll up the windows first." [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 13/03/2010 13:44:43
Two drunks, Santa and Banta, enter a hotel late at night. They approach the clerk, and Santa says, "Could you pleash give ush a bed with two rooms?"

"You mean a room with two beds?" asks the clerk.

"Whatever, whatever you shay."

So they get a key and somehow manage to stumble upstairs to their room. After fumbling for ten minutes, they even manage to get their door open. As they stumble inside, the door closes behind them and they are in total darkness. They go forward slowly, and both fall on the bed closest to the door.

"Ahh," says Santa, "Now we can get some sleep at last."

As they try to rearrange themselves, they suddenly realize that they are not alone in their bed.

"Hey! There's somebody in my bed!" says Banta.

"There's somebody in my bed too!" says Santa.

"Let's get rid of them. We paid for this room and we're going to sleep in the beds!" says Banta.

They start a tremendous struggle. They heave and push until eventually Santa throws Banta on the floor.

"ALL RIGHT!!" Santa shouts, "I've thrown mine off the bed."

"You're lucky," says Banta, "I got thrown off and I'm too tired to fight any more."

"Well, never mind," says Santa, "Why don't you just come and share my bed. Let's get some sleep round here." [:D] [:D] [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Bored chemist on 14/03/2010 13:07:14
"Apparently a hotel in the UK uses real live human bedwarmers. "
At least, that was the excuse they gave when prosecuted for running a brothel.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 14/03/2010 14:24:13
Santa went to doctor with two red ears
The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But .. what happened to your other ear?"
"The scoundrel called back."[:D] [:D] [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 16/03/2010 20:22:01
Banta noticed a gorgeous blonde sitting by herself in a corner. As he was getting up to talk to her.
Bartender : "Hey don't worry about her, She is lesbian!"
Banta : "Lesbian or no lesbian, I get them all"
....and he stylishly holding his whiskey in his left hand walked to her table. Then leaping forward in a very sexy voice he says.
"Honey where exactly in Lesbia, you from?" [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 18/03/2010 15:16:03
A doctor traveling by car along a country road collides with an attorney who happens to be driving in the opposite direction. The attorney, seeing that the doctor is a bit shaken up, helps him from the car and offers him a drink of Scotch from his hip flask. The doctor accepts, took a long drink and hands the flask back to the attorney, who closes it and puts it away. "Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asks the doctor.
The attorney replies, "Sure — as soon as the police leave." [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Andrew K Fletcher on 19/03/2010 17:20:43
Following a recent news item, couldn't resist having a scribble :)

Council linked to terrorist wheely bin tactics, "refusing" to take a bin if the lid don't close because there is too much rubbish in it? Wheely? Yes, when questioned, an official said: "O some are bin laden"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 19/03/2010 18:12:06
A man walks into a bar and asks the barman, 'Was I in here last night?'
'You certainly were,' replies the barman.
'And did I spend a lot of money?'
'You spent over £100', replies the barman.
'Thank god for that,' says the man, 'I thought I'd wasted it. [:)]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 21/03/2010 12:13:40
a little boy was plucking fruits from a tree in garden, as the watchman saw the boy he was freaked out and shouted at boy

Watchman: you plucking fruit here without permission, I'll just go to your house and complaint your dad about it

Boy: but there's no use of going to my house because my dad is not home

Watchman: so where's your dad?

Boy: *giggling* he is plucking fruit from the other tree [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 22/03/2010 06:55:02
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce." [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 24/03/2010 07:06:57
A man wanted to prove to a group of alcoholics the effect of alcohol in human body system. He brought two jars; one containing water and the other containing alcohol, along with a very healthy worm. He said to the audience:

"This jar contain water"
He dropped the worm in the jar and said, "Please watch the reaction". The worm swam to the side of the jar and up it floats dangling and swimming.

The man took the worm out of the first jar and put it in the second jar containing alcohol and said to the audience " now watch the reaction" The worm went right down into the water and struggled for survival. There and then every body saw the worm shrinking and dis-integrating, and in one word, died.

The man turned round an asked the audience " what would you all say to this".

After a long silence, someone from the rear stood up and said
" I can see that if I drink alcohol, there will be no more worn in my body". [:D] [:D] [:D]   
 
 
 
 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 29/03/2010 10:22:39
Two guys were fishing down by the Ohio River on different sides of the riverbank at night. Guy number one was catching a whole bunch of fish for his family, but guy number two hadn't caught any and was frustrated and called out to guy number one "How come you've been catching all them there fish and I ain't caught a single one?"
Guy number one replied, " I don’t know.... why don’t ya come on over here?"
"I don’t know.... I don’t see a bridge, and their aint no boat, and I don’t swim to well"
Guy number one picks up his flashlight, turns it on, and replies, " Why don’t you walk across this here beam off light?"
Guy number two was outraged and replied "do you think am stupid? When I get half way you'll turn it off!!!"  [:D] [:D] [:D]

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 30/03/2010 18:24:18
Santa was sitting in a plane from London to Birmingham
as soon as he could see Birmingham from his seat window he starts shouting

*Birmingham, Birmingham*

an airhostess came and said " sssshhhhhhh B silent"

and Santa start shouting *irmingham irmingham* [:D] [:D] [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 31/03/2010 17:50:04
Teacher asked a student

Teacher: "I am beautiful", which tense is this?
Student: Past tense

Teacher: how come?
Student: because you're old now [:D] [:D] [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 01/04/2010 18:06:56
Harry had a bit of a drinking problem.
Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole, spent the entire evening there and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and his returned drunken state. But Harry continued his nightly routine. One day, the wife, distraught by it all, talked to a friend about her husband's behavior.The friend listened to her and then asked, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways." The wife thought it was worth trying. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. Around midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard Harry at the door and let him in. This time, instead of berating him as she had always done, she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a while, she said to him, "It's pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you?" At that, Harry replied in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble if I go home anyway!" [:D] [:D] [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 02/04/2010 19:02:06
An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man.
When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!" [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 03/04/2010 10:23:44
A passerby noticed a couple of city workers working along the city sidewalks. The man was quite impressed with their hard work, but he couldn't understand what they were doing.
Finally, he approached the workers and asked, "I appreciate how hard you're both working, but what the heck are you doing? It seems that one of you digs a hole, and then the other guy immediately fills it back up again.
One of the city workers explained, "The third guy who plants the trees is off sick today." [:D] [:D] [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 05/04/2010 11:17:16
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box." [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 06/04/2010 08:51:46
There was a student who was desirous of taking admission for a study course.

He was smart enough to get through the written test, a GD and was to appear for the personal interview. Later, as the interview progressed, the interviewer found this boy to be bright since he could answer all the questions correctly. The interviewer got impatient and decided to corner the boy.

"Tell me your choice;" said he to the boy, "What's your choice: I shall either ask you ten easy questions or ONE real difficult. Think well before you make up your mind."

The boy thought for a while and said, "My choice is ONE real difficult question."

"Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!" said the man on the opposite side. Tell me: What comes first, Day or Night?"

The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said: "It's the DAY, sir."

"How???????" the interviewer was smiling ("At last, I got you!" he said to himself.)

"Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!"

Admission for the course was thus secured. [:)]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 07/04/2010 14:40:11
One day a genie appeared to a California man and offered to grant him one wish.
the man said:” I wish you'd build a bridge from here to Hawaii so I could drive there anytime"
The genie frowned" I don't know. It sounds like quite an undertaking,” he said. "Just think of the logistics. The supports required reaching the bottom of the ocean, the concrete, and the steel! Why don't you pick something else?"
The man thought for a while and then said, "Okay, I wish for a complete understanding of women- what they are thinking, why they cry. I wish I knew how to make a woman truly happy".
The genie was silent for a minute, then said "So how many lanes did you want on that bridge?" [;)] [;)] [;)]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 10/04/2010 11:22:44
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,” Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour
ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of you, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!" [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 13/04/2010 17:34:27
A family was having dinner and the little boy said,"Dad I don't like the
holes in the cheese!" Well son, eat the cheese and leave the holes on the
side of the plate. [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Karen W. on 13/04/2010 22:26:24
l
One day a genie appeared to a California man and offered to grant him one wish.
the man said:” I wish you'd build a bridge from here to Hawaii so I could drive there anytime"
The genie frowned" I don't know. It sounds like quite an undertaking,” he said. "Just think of the logistics. The supports required reaching the bottom of the ocean, the concrete, and the steel! Why don't you pick something else?"
The man thought for a while and then said, "Okay, I wish for a complete understanding of women- what they are thinking, why they cry. I wish I knew how to make a woman truly happy".
The genie was silent for a minute, then said "So how many lanes did you want on that bridge?" [;)] [;)] [;)]


I liked thst one omid...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Karen W. on 13/04/2010 22:29:32
L
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box." [:D]

OL...LOL...Very good joke.....This one also is quite good!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Karen W. on 13/04/2010 22:42:56
An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man.
When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!" [:D]
Lol...lol...lol...hrr hrr hrr..      I liked that!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 15/04/2010 11:40:54
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy
father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered: "Thou shall not kill." [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 21/04/2010 06:41:52
Guy: Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
Girl: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore. [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 22/04/2010 17:37:46
After the examination the physician handed the patient a prescription and said, “Take this medicine after each meal.” “But, Doc,” confessed the patient, “I have not eaten in four days.” “Fine,” said the doctor. “The medicine will last longer.” [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 25/04/2010 18:07:10
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.. 'The
material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your
stomach lining.. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can
be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the
germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the
most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone
here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering
for years after eating it?' After several seconds of quiet, a
75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
'Wedding Cake.' [:D] [:D] [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Ethos on 26/04/2010 20:12:50
Ha,ha,ha,ha,...............very good omid. I can relate to that!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 29/04/2010 17:50:27
Tom see, Doctor, “I’m always dizzy for half an hour after I get up in the morning,”.
“Well, try getting up half an hour later,” said the doctor. [:D] [:D] [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 01/05/2010 09:13:02
After 20-years of marriage the wife starts complaining to her husband that he does not love her anymore and she begs him to seek advice from her friend the local parish priest. Obliging he went, afterwards he arrives home, lifts her off her feet and carries her from one room to the other, surprised she exclaims oh! How much you love me? What did the priest tell you? Well he told me to carry my cross and that is you!! [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 02/05/2010 11:28:33
The teacher wrote on the blackboard, “I ain’t had no fun all summer.”
“Now Paul,” she said. “What shall I do to correct this?”
“Get a boy friend.” Paul replied. [;)]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: SeanB on 02/05/2010 18:15:10
Can you drop an egg onto a concrete floor and not break it?




















Concrete is hard to break, especially with an egg.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 04/05/2010 10:28:40
It was a disastrous year for the farmers. The snow fell and fell until the government relief agency had to step in and lend a hand. “It must have been terrible,” said the government man to a farmer. “All that snow.” “Could have been worse,” calmly answered the farmer. “My neighbor had more snow than me.” “How’s that?” asked the government man.
“More land,” replied the farmer.

 [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 05/05/2010 17:51:03
The frontier preacher was giving the traditional sermon on sin. "We should take all the whiskey and dump it in the river!" Back in the back of the church, a little old lady with a bonnet on stood up and shouted, "Amen, Amen!" and sat back down. The preacher smiled and continued, "And we should take all the sinful lust and dump it in the river!" The little old lady jumped up and shouted, "Amen, Amen, Amen!” then sat back down. The preacher excitedly hollered, "And we should take all of the snuff in this world and dump it in the river!" And the little old lady stood up and said, "Now you've stopped preaching and started meddling’!" [:D] [:D] [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 06/05/2010 08:16:38
Two kids were deciding what game to play. One said, “Let’s play doctor.”
“Good idea,” said the other. “You operate, and I’ll sue.” [:-X] [:D]

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 07/05/2010 08:22:03
An orthopedic surgeon was moving to a new office, with the help of his staff. One of the nurses sat the display skeleton in the front of her car, a bony arm across the back of the seat.
On the drive across town, she stopped at a traffic light, and the stares of the people in the neighboring car compelled her to roll down her window and yell, I’m delivering him to my doctor’s office.” The other driver leaned out of is window. “I hate to tell you, lady,” he said, “but I think it’s too late!” [:D] [:D] [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 08/05/2010 13:27:37
A manager was soliciting resumes through a recruitment agency to fill in a senior staff member who had just resigned. The next day the recruitment agent came in to meet the manager and beaming he handed over a resume and said, "M'am, we have got just the right person you are looking for. The manager after skimming through the resume was visibly upset. Puzzled, the recruitment agent enquired what the matter was. The manager replied, "This candidate on the resume is the best we've got in our department". [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 09/05/2010 14:11:19
Hey guys

omid've posted many verbal jokes so today omid thought to post a funny entertaining piccy for you all. [:D] [:D] [:D]




 [ Invalid Attachment ]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Make it Lady on 09/05/2010 20:32:05
That's not funny! I guess that's how you get duck down.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 13/05/2010 15:56:25
That's not funny! I guess that's how you get duck down.

REALLY!!!

omid sorry if you didn't find it funny, [V]

but was extremely funny for omid and friends [::)]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 13/05/2010 15:56:42
A Saudi Prince went to Germany to study.
A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying:"Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,but I'm a bit ashamed to arrive to school with my gold Mercedes when all my teachers travel by train."
Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a ten million dollar check saying:"Stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too”! [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Make it Lady on 14/05/2010 17:42:24
A student wished to make some potassium hydroxide solution (aqueous) and decided to throw a large lump of potassium into a bucket of water.

His professor observed what he was about to do out of the corner of his eye and hurried towards him. After confirming this was what he was intending to do, he asked him first to stir the water in the bucket for five minutes before adding the potassium.

The student was puzzled and ran after him to ask the purpose of this action.

'It will give me time to get away' said the professor.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: demografx on 14/05/2010 23:14:50

Thieves broke into New Scotland Yard last night and stole all the toilet bowls.

A police spokesman said that they have nothing to go on.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 15/05/2010 12:04:56
Mary comes home rather late. “Oh, sweetheart,” she called, “your car’s on Maple Street.”
“Why didn’t you bring it home?” her husband asked. “Couldn’t, she said. “It’s too dark out there to find all the parts.” [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 16/05/2010 11:57:42
These bear hunters were sitting around the cabin the night before the hunt bragging about their passt hunts.
The cabin boy was listening and went over and said "you guys make it seem pretty hard on capturing a bear".
They all laughed and said "it is hard; do you think you could bag one"?
"I can go out and bag you 2 if you will skin them, and I will bet each of you $100.00.
They agreed and off he went out into the night.
Soon he spotted a big grizzly; he waved his arm and started hollering the big bear started after him and he started running for the shack. When he got close to the shack he started yelling. "Open the door he yelled".
They looked out and saw the bear chasing the boy. Just as he got to the door they opened it and he stepped aside and the bear went in. He slammed the door and locked it and shouted. "OK skin him I'll go and get the other one". [:D] [:D] [:D]

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: SeanB on 16/05/2010 19:14:34
Talk about a bear faced suprise.........

Talking about bare, you hear about the nudist colony that got robbed, they were left with the skin they were wearing, the thieves took everything.

Just what do nudists do with car keys anyway?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 17/05/2010 11:10:14
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?" [:D] [:D] [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 18/05/2010 10:28:13
A couple was at the mall and his wife decided to buy something for their daughter-in-law at an exclusive lingerie shop. Inside, the husband was feeling very out of place when a beautiful clerk asked if she could help him. In a cocky manner, he asked, “Where are all the men’s clothes?” In a demure voice the clerk replied, “All of these clothes are for men, sir.” [:D] [:D] [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 19/05/2010 10:32:10
Kathy goes to her local bank, walks into the manager’s office, and says, “I want a loan; I am going to divorce my husband.” “Oh, we don’t give loans for divorces,” the manager says. “We offer loans only for things like real estate, appliances, automobiles, businesses, and home improvement.” Kathy interrupts: “Stop right there. This definitely falls into the category of ‘Home Improvement.’ [:D] [:D] [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 20/05/2010 10:11:21
The girl’s car couldn’t get started and traffic was tied up for blocks. The light turned green, then yellow, then red. “Whatsa madda, miss,” shouted the officer. “Don’t you like any of our colors?” [;)]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 21/05/2010 18:16:46
Mother asks little Johnny, as they wait for the bus, to tell the driver he is 4 years old when asked because he will ride for free. As they get into the bus the driver asks Johnny how old he was. "I am 4 years old". "And when will you be six years old?" asks the driver. “When I get off the bus" answers Johnny [:D] [:D] [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 22/05/2010 11:04:41
A doctor broke the bad news to a man, that his wife would have to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital. “I’m afraid her mind’s completely gone,” he said. “Makes sense,” mumbled the man. “She’s been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 15 years.” [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 24/05/2010 17:27:57
While attending a Marriage seminar dealing with communication, Jack and his wife, Barb, listened to the instructor. “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.” He addressed the man, “can you describe your wife’s favorite flower?” Jack leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, “Its Pillsbury isn’t it?” [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 25/05/2010 11:10:21
Tom went to an interview for the job of a watchman

the interviewer asked him, “What are your qualifications for the job of night watchman?”

Tom: “The slightest noise wakes me up.” [:D] [:D] [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: djdave on 26/05/2010 11:15:13
LOL
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 26/05/2010 18:04:03
A man visiting New York stopped at a restaurant which claimed it could supply any dish ordered, so the tourist asked the waiter for Kangaroo on toast. The waiter came back a while later and said, “I am so sorry, sir, but we have run out of bread.” [:D] [:D] [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 27/05/2010 17:59:03
Rose accompanied her husband Tom to his annual checkup. While Tom was getting dressed, the doctor came out and said to Rose, “I don’t like the way he looks.” “Neither do I,” she said. “But he’s handy around the house.” [:D] [:D] [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 29/05/2010 11:36:58
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"  [:D] [:D] [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 30/05/2010 10:01:36
At a bar Neilep said to BenV;

John Chapman tried to make a new kind of car. He took wheels from a Cadillac, radiator from a Lexus, tires from a Ford”

“What did he get? Asked BenV

“Two years.” Said Neilep [:D] [:D] [:D]


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Karen W. on 30/05/2010 10:43:26
A Nun goes up to a Priest and asks him, "Father, how do you make Holy water?"

The priest looked at her and replied, "You shake the h ell out of it!" :-)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 31/05/2010 11:56:17
RD asked Geezer “What happened to John chapman’s boat?”

“Ever notice that big rock at the entrance to the Golden Gate?” said Geezer.

“Yes, I have” replied RD.

“Well, he didn’t” said Geezer. [:D] [:D] [:D]



Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 01/06/2010 17:55:10
A schoolteacher was trying to teach her six-year old class students how to say the pledge of allegiance to the flag. The schoolteacher said, O.K. children begin by putting your hand over your little heart and repeat with me, I pledge allegiance to the HOLD IT! HOLD IT! Johnny, why is your hand over your butt cheek instead of your heart? Johnny relied! I can’t. Teacher asks, why not? Well you see, when my aunt comes over to pick me up and pats my bottom and says, BLESS YOUR LITTLE HEART!!!!!! [:D] [:D] [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Pedrina19 on 09/06/2010 05:29:58
Nice jokes, i wish i knew good jokes like yours
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 10/06/2010 14:24:20
On a visit to Chicago, a woman was eager to visit a posh department store a few blocks from her hotel. Her husband agreeably hailed a cab. “The lady wants to go to Neiman Marcus,” he told the driver.
The cabby looked over his shoulder at them. “And the gentleman?” he asked. “Does he want to go to the bank?” [:D] [:D] [:D]



Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: SeanB on 10/06/2010 19:21:10
Or more likely to the poorhouse!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 11/06/2010 18:34:07
The humble little accountant had his suspicion. One day he left the office early and, sure enough, at home he found a strange hat and umbrella in the hallway and sitting in the living room in the arms of another man was his wife. Wild for revenge, the husband picked up the man’s umbrella and snapped it in two across his knee.
“There!” he said. “Now I hope it rains!” [:D] [:D] [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 12/06/2010 19:07:59
John Chapman watching a Tarzan movie rushed out of the hall the moment a tiger appeared on screen, advancing menacingly towards the audience.
Neilep trying to stop him argued that it's only a movie, to which the John Chapman replied: “I know it’s a movie, you also know it is, but does the tiger know"? [:D] [:D] [:D]




Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 13/06/2010 09:06:49
A man gave the waiter his order, "Black coffee, no cream"
The waiter came back and apologized, "I'm sorry, we're out of cream. Would you take your coffee without milk?" [:D] [:D] [:D]



Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 15/06/2010 07:26:40
A cannibal chief invited over another cannibal chief from a different tribe over for dinner. They sit down and eat the best meat. After dinner, the visiting cannibal chief said, "Wow that was good! Your wife makes the best meat." Then the other cannibal chief said, "Yeah, I'm gonna miss her..." [:D] [:D] [:D]



Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: peppercorn on 15/06/2010 10:02:30
LOL! On fire lately with the jokes, Omid!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 16/06/2010 07:58:29
It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers." "That's right!" the boy said, "But, how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said. The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher. The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner. The teacher held he package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!" SURPRISE! [:D] [:D] [:D]

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Geezer on 16/06/2010 19:44:20
A cannibal chief invited over another cannibal chief from a different tribe over for dinner. They sit down and eat the best meat. After dinner, the visiting cannibal chief said, "Wow that was good! Your wife makes the best meat." Then the other cannibal chief said, "Yeah, I'm gonna miss her..." [:D] [:D] [:D]


OR

Child:  Mummy! Mummy! Mummy! I hate Daddy's guts!

Mother:  Shut up, and eat what's given to you.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 17/06/2010 07:52:33
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached
a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement
over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain
speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los
Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY G-D!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought
me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!" [:D] [:D] [:D] 

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 18/06/2010 13:36:13
Before going to Europe on business, John Chapman drives his Rolls-Royce to a downtown London's City bank and asks for an immediate loan of £5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requests collateral. "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," John Chapman says. The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping and gives John Chapman £5,000. Two weeks later, John Chapman walks through the bank's doors and asks to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be £5,000 in principal, and £15.40 in interest," the loan officer says. John Chapman writes out a check and starts to walk away. "Wait, sir," the loan officer says. "You are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow £5,000?" John Chapman smiles, "Where else could I find a safer place to park my Rolls-Royce in London for two weeks and pay only £15.40?" [:D] [:D] [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 20/06/2010 10:49:43
Neilep, John Chapman, BenV and BORED Chemist were four of the high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.
Much to their relief she smiled and said: "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."
Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said:
"First Question: Which tire was flat?" [:D] [:D] [:D]



Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Bored chemist on 21/06/2010 07:14:09
"Front left", Miss.
oh, sorry, did you want us to write that down?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Mark Lehman on 21/06/2010 09:28:06
Santa came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife, Jeeto, with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.

"Was it my friend Banta", he demanded.

"No !" his weeping wife replied.

"Was it my friend Ramta then?" he asked.

"No !!!" she said even more upset.

"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.

"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" Jeeto snapped [:D]

hello guys,

Its Really funny.

Mark.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 21/06/2010 17:25:51
"Front left", Miss.
oh, sorry, did you want us to write that down?

NOT bad BORED chemist [:D]

teacher impressed!!!!!!!!!!! [:)]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 21/06/2010 17:31:10
John Chapman was teaching Geezer's girlfriend arithmetic, he said it was his mission. He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, "Now that's addition." In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, "Now that's subtraction." Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation. And both together smiled and said, "That's multiplication." Then Geezer appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision. He kicked John Chapman three blocks away and said, "That's long division!" [:D] [:D] [:D]


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Geezer on 22/06/2010 03:45:11
Message from the Legal Department:

As it is well known that Geezer is in a state of matrimonial bliss, therefore we request that any future references to "Geezer's girlfriend" should be phrased as;

"Hypothetically speaking, if we assume that Geezer has a girlfriend (strictly for the purposes of this joke) which by signing, the undersigned accept that they will permanently abjure from all allusions to, and implications that, said Geezer actually has a girlfriend"

We trust that you will kindly comply with this request.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 22/06/2010 12:52:04
RD and John Chapman were walking down the street, suddenly RD shouts

"OMG!!! a dead bird!!!"

John Chapman looks up in the air and says

"where???  where???" [:D] [:D] [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 23/06/2010 17:55:51
John received a free ticket to the Super Bowl. Unfortunately. John's seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the stadium. He noticed an empty seat 10 rows up from the 50-yard line. He decides to make his way to the empty seat. As he sits down he asks the man next to him if anyone is sitting there. The man told him no, it was empty. John is very excited to have a seat like this at a Super Bowl and asks why in the world no one is using it? The man replied that it was his wife's seat but she passed away. He said this was the first Super Bowl that they have not attended together since they were married in 1968. John said that it was really sad and asked if he couldn't find someone, a relative or a close friend to take the seat?

"No" replied the man, "They're at her funeral!" [:D] [:D] [:D]




Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: SeanB on 23/06/2010 19:25:19
Well the vow was until.............


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 25/06/2010 18:02:45
once upon a time when John chapman was a machanic............... [:o)] [:o)] [:o)]



John Chapman was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon BenV in his shop.
BenV was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
John Chapman shouted across the garage, "Hey, SeanB, can I ask you a question?"

BenV a bit surprised, walked over to him working on the motorcycle. John Chapman straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So BenV, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

BenV paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to John Chapman...

"Try doing it with the engine running." [;)] [;)] [;)]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 26/06/2010 14:00:14
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh! We’ll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theater arts.
He communicates really well, and I just act like I'm listening." [:D] [:D] [:D]


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 27/06/2010 09:37:03
BORED Chemist met Neilep at the railroad station. “Neilep, I’m mighty glad to see you, he greeted. “That crate of chickens you sent me bust open just as I was going to take them out and they ran all over the place. I chase them through my neighbour’s yard and only got back eleven.” “You did okay,” said Neilep. “I only sent you six.” [:D] [:D] [:D]



Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 29/06/2010 10:10:24
While presenting the weather forecast BenV said, expect 10 to 12 inches of snow tonight so park on the right side of the road so we can plow the left side. BORED Chemist ran out and parked on the right side. The next week BenV called for another 10 to 12 inches of snow, but this time he said park on the left side. So BORED Chemist ran out and parked the car on the left side of the road. The following week BenV said 16 inches of snow expected park, the lights went out and all our power was lost. BORED Chemist said, my goodness, now I don’t know where to park the car. “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage!” said his wife. [:D] [:D] [:D]



Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: SeanB on 29/06/2010 17:59:30
BenV went out jogging one evening, and wore light clothing as he had heard that light coloured clothes are very visible at night. He was run over by Omid, in her part time job as a snowplough operator.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 30/06/2010 12:52:37
SeanB, the millionaire, was arrested for speeding and brought before the judge in a small community. When the judge offered him the alternative of paying a $10 fine or serving ten days in jail
SeanB decided to take the ten days. “But, my good man, you are wealthy,” said the judge, amazement ringing his face. “Why you should prefer ten days in jail to paying a $10 fine is beyond me.” “It’s like this, Judge,” SeanB explained.
“Our chef left and my wife figures it’ll take that long to find a new one.” [:D] [:D] [:D]


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Bored chemist on 30/06/2010 19:55:04
If I had a car then my wife could tell me where to park it, if I had a wife.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: SeanB on 30/06/2010 21:03:41
I am a millionaire, just in Zimbabwe dollars. I gave away $ 10 million, and still was worth the same, although it is really hard to get more Zimdollars, as the Zim government has given in and started to use US dollars and SA Rands as the OFFICIAL currency. Cheaper than printing your own notes, as the paper was worth considerably more than the notes, even for the $100 trillion notes. A bad thing when noone robs banks, as the money weighs too much, plus you will need a truck and trailer to move it. You saw street peddlers with the money piled in bundles next to them, they guarded the goods as they were worth more.

Rather like the Weimar republic, where you went with the money in a wheelbarrow, and came home with the groceries in your pocket.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 01/07/2010 09:08:52
my wife could tell me where to park it, if I had a wife.

BORED Chemisttttttttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!! [:0] [:0] [:0]

omid gona tell your wife about what you posted for her [xx(] [xx(] [xx(]

I am a millionaire, just in Zimbabwe dollars. I gave away $ 10 million, and still was worth the same, although it is really hard to get more Zimdollars, as the Zim government has given in and started to use US dollars and SA Rands as the OFFICIAL currency. Cheaper than printing your own notes, as the paper was worth considerably more than the notes, even for the $100 trillion notes. A bad thing when noone robs banks, as the money weighs too much, plus you will need a truck and trailer to move it. You saw street peddlers with the money piled in bundles next to them, they guarded the goods as they were worth more.

Rather like the Weimar republic, where you went with the money in a wheelbarrow, and came home with the groceries in your pocket.

Omid didn't get even a word of the above [:-\] [:-\] [:-\]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 01/07/2010 09:12:05
I’m going to buy a farm two miles long and half inch wide said BORED Chemist.

What, would you grow on a farm that size, asked SeanB.

Spaghetti, said BORED Chemist. [:D] [:D] [:D]



Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: SeanB on 01/07/2010 18:58:36
Omid, have a google for Weimar republic and Hyperinflation, you will become enlightened. As well afraid, horrified and thankful, all at the same time.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 03/07/2010 13:01:56
Omid, have a google for Weimar republic and Hyperinflation, you will become enlightened. As well afraid, horrified and thankful, all at the same time.

OK! omid would [:)]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 03/07/2010 13:10:07
BORED Chemist, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over BORED Chemist's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies RD and SeanB at the club are aghast. At the very first chance, RD & SeanB corner him and ask, 'BORED Chemist, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' BORED Chemist replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' RD & SeanB are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', BORED Chemsit replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?' BORED Chemist smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.' [:D] [:D] [:D]



Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: SeanB on 03/07/2010 20:08:08
Top post now in forum is appropriately about gold............

And diggers
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 04/07/2010 13:13:31
BenV was invited to BORED Chemist’s house for dinner. He found that BORED Chemist called his wife every cute name in the book: honey, darling, sweetheart, pumpkin, and baby.
When she was in the kitchen, BenV leaned over to BORED Chemist and said, “I think it’s nice you still call your wife all those pet names.” “To tell you the truth,” BORED Chemist said, “I forgot her name abut three years ago.” [:D] [:D] [:D]



Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: SeanB on 04/07/2010 14:26:35
I have the same problem with names. Was embarrassing calling out **not** her name at the most inappropriate moment.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 05/07/2010 16:17:11
Two classmates were chatting in their lunch break...
"I know how to get money real quick" says one,” how?"
"go to your dad and say, "I know the truth" and he'll give you money"
So the young boy went home and said "dad, I know the truth" and
his dad gave him ten dollars and told him not to tell anyone 'the truth'.
He then went to his mother, " Mom, I know the truth” he said.
"Please don't tell your dad" she said and gave him twenty dollars.
Content with thirty dollars he went outside to go to the arcade and saw the milkman. "I know the truth,” he shouted out.
The milkman replied "Well come and hug your real father then" [:D] [:D] [:D]


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 06/07/2010 10:09:49
Seven-year-old John chapman had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school.
Two days later his teacher BenV phone his Father SeanB to tell him that John chapman was misbehaving.
"Wait a minute," said SeanB. "I had John chapman here for two months and I never called you once when he misbehaved." [:D] [:D] [:D]



Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 07/07/2010 17:47:49
A RD bought an expensive piece of jewelry as a present for his girlfriend. “Don’t you want her name engraved on it?” asked SeanB.
RD thought for a moment, and then, ever the realistic, steadfastly replied, “No, just engrave it: To My One and Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again.” [:D] [:D] [:D]


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 09/07/2010 11:56:57
Once upon a time Neilpe was a rich man who was approached by a poor beggar named John Chapman asking for food.
Neilep asked, "Do you smoke? I could give you some cigarettes."
John Chapman responded, "No, I don't. I am just hungry and want food."
Then Neilep asked, "Do you drink? I have a bottle of good whiskey I could give you."
John Chapman replied, "No, I don't drink. I am just hungry and need food."
Finally Neilep asked, "Do you gamble? I could give you some good tips on the races this weekend."
John Chapman again replied, "No. I am just hungry and want some food."
Finally Neilep said, "Well, in that case, I had better take you to my home."
He invited John Chapman into his car and drove him to his very substantial home. There, he introduced John Chapman to his wife, who asked, "What are you going to do with this man? Are you going to invite him to live with us, eat our food, and wear our clothes?"
Neilep replied, "No, of course not. I just wanted to show you what happens to a man who doesn't smoke, drink or gamble." [:D] [:D] [:D]


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 10/07/2010 12:29:57
Selling at an auction was halted when the BenV the auctioneer announced, “Geezer in the room has lost his wallet containing $2,000. He is offering a reward of $500.00 for its immediate return.” After a moment of silence, there was a call from BORED Chemist in the room, “$550.00” [:D] [:D] [:D]


 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 11/07/2010 14:15:53
At a fancy reception Peppercorn was asked by a widow to guess her age. "You must have some idea," she urged as Peppercorn hesitated. "I have several ideas," he admitted with a smile, "the trouble is that I don't know whether to make it ten years younger because of your looks or ten years older because of your intelligence." [:D] [:D] [:D]


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: peppercorn on 11/07/2010 14:44:27
At a fancy reception Peppercorn was asked by a widow to guess her age. "You must have some idea," she urged as Peppercorn hesitated. "I have several ideas," he admitted with a smile, "the trouble is that I don't know whether to make it ten years younger because of your looks or ten years older because of your intelligence." [:D] [:D] [:D]

What a smooth operator this Peppercorn guy sounds! He's obviously no relation of mine [;)] .... [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 12/07/2010 11:56:21
SeanB went to visit RD and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. SeanB watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

"Nah, he's not so smart," RD replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five." [:D]

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: peppercorn on 12/07/2010 12:08:46
One day Omid drove by a farm and saw a three-legged pig. Omid went up to the farmer and said, "Excuse me sir, but why does that pig only have 3 legs?"

"Well," said the farmer, "that there pig is very special. One time my wife was cooking something she stepped out of the kitchen and it caught on fire. No one in the house knew about it but the pig and he saved me, my wife, and my 2 kids."

"That's amazing sir but why does that pig only have three legs?" said Omid.

"Then there was that time the pig saw a big storm coming and we didn't. The pig ran into the house and dragged us out to the storm cellar. If it weren't for that pig we would all be dead."

"But still, that doesn't explain why the pig only has 3 legs.", Omid exclaimed. "And I remember the time my youngest son was stuck up in a tree but I was too far away to hear him scream. The pig came running towards me and led me to where he was."

"Well, that is miracle, but how come that pig only has 3 legs?" Omid said, quite annoyed at this point.


"Well," said the farmer, "with a pig that special... you don't eat it all at once!!."   [:D] [:D] [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 12/07/2010 12:35:15
Hang on,,,,,,,,let omid edit it and post the correct version of the joke [;)]


Quote
One day Omid drove by a farm and saw a three-legged pig. Omid went up to the Peppercorn and said, "Excuse me sir, but why does that pig only have 3 legs?"

"Well," said Peppercorn, "that there pig is very special. One time my wife was cooking something she stepped out of the kitchen and it caught on fire. No one in the house knew about it but the pig and he saved me, my wife, and my 2 kids."

"That's amazing sir but why does that pig only have three legs?" said Omid.

"Then there was that time the pig saw a big storm coming and we didn't. The pig ran into the house and dragged us out to the storm cellar. If it weren't for that pig we would all be dead."

"But still, that doesn't explain why the pig only has 3 legs.", Omid exclaimed. "And I remember the time my youngest son was stuck up in a tree but I was too far away to hear him scream. The pig came running towards me and led me to where he was."

"Well, that is miracle, but how come that pig only has 3 legs?" Omid said, quite annoyed at this point.


"Well," said Peppercorn, "with a pig that special... you don't eat it all at once!!."     


ummmmmmm........this makes more sense now [;D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: peppercorn on 12/07/2010 12:47:01
Yeah, ... er, that's goin' to have be:

"No one in the house knew about the fire but the pig - who saved me, my girlfriend and somebody else's 2 kids.", said Peppercorn

[;D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: peppercorn on 12/07/2010 21:39:13
A fair point !!!!       [;D]


.....


Here's one for all those with pretensions of a future career in medicine!

 [ Invalid Attachment ]

 [:D] [:D] [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 13/07/2010 18:08:08
Peppercorn walks into the bar, goes up to the bartender and says, "I want a cup of coffee.” The bartender says, "We don’t serve coffee here"
So Peppercorn leaves, but when he leaves he sees Neilep and BORED chemist  entering the bar so he joins them. They ask for a beer and sandwich but Peppercorn says "I wanna cup of coffee"
The bartender says, "We don’t serve coffee here"
So Peppercorn leaves again, but he sees BenV and RD so he joins them in the bar. They order a beer and a sandwich but Peppercorn still says, "I want a cup of coffee"
"Look,” says the bartender "we don’t serve coffee here. Now leave or I will nail your ears to the bar!"
So Peppercorn leaves, but he yet again sees two of his friends Geezer and SeanB and enters the bar.
But this time Peppercorn says, "Do you have a hammer?"
"No" replies the bartender
Do you have any nails?"
"No"
"Then I want a cup of coffee" [:D] [:D] [:D]



Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: SeanB on 13/07/2010 18:18:19
Ba Da Boom!

Thank you, I will be here all week!

That is what She said......
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: peppercorn on 14/07/2010 08:42:23
Ba Da Boom!

Thank you, I will be here all week!

In that case I'll be somewhere else!!  [:D] [:D] [:D]   .....    [;)]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 14/07/2010 12:15:01
BenV was concerned that his interns weren’t giving him enough respect, so he tried and old fashioned method of persuasion: He brought in a sign that said “I’m the Boss” and taped it to his door. After lunch, BenV noticed someone had taped another note under his. “Your wife called. She wants her sign back!” [:D] [:D] [:D]


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 15/07/2010 11:32:52
SeanB was startled to see the nonchalant way Peppercorn was taking the fact that his girlfriend was seen with another man. “You said you loved her and yet you saw her with another man and you didn’t knock the guy down?”
“I’m waiting.”
“Waiting for what?” asked SeanB
“Waiting to catch her with a smaller feller.” replied Peppercorn [:D] [:D] [:D]




Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: peppercorn on 15/07/2010 19:42:14
SeanB was startled to see the nonchalant way Peppercorn was taking the fact that his girlfriend was seen with another man. “You said you loved her and yet you saw her with another man and you didn’t knock the guy down?”
“I’m waiting.”
“Waiting for what?” asked SeanB
“Waiting to catch her with a smaller feller.” replied Peppercorn

Yeah and when that day comes I'm really going to beat the cr*p out of that midget! [:D] [:D] [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 16/07/2010 10:02:41
Geezer, RD, and BORED Chemist were standing around the university flagpole when an Peppercorn wandered by. “What are you doing?” he asked. “We need to know the height of the flagpole,” said one, “and we’re discussing the formulas we might use to calculate it.” “Watch!” said Peppercorn. He pulled the pole from its fitting, laid it on the grass, borrowed a tape measure and said, “Exactly 24 feet.” Then he replaced the pole and walked away. “Peppercorn!” sneer BORED Chemist, “We ask him for the height, and he gives us the length.” [:D]


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 17/07/2010 12:21:24
Peppercorn runs in and tells his mother you’d better come out. I’ve just knocked over the ladder at the side of the house. His mother says, go and tell your father, I’m busy.
Peppercorn says, Mom he already knows, he’s hanging from the roof. [:D] [:D] [:D]


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 18/07/2010 11:15:34
“Please keep your dog beside you, sir,” BORED Chemist said crossly to John Chapman sitting opposite to him on the bench at the park. “I can feel a flea in my shoe.” “Midnight, come here,” replied John Chapman. “BORED Chemist has fleas.” [:D] [:D] [:D]


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 19/07/2010 13:01:43
Peppercorn and John Chapman are talking and Peppercorn says to John Chapman;
“I am so tired of people not understanding what I'm talking about.
John Chapman asks; “What do you mean?” [:D] [:D] [:D]




Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 20/07/2010 13:49:51
BORED Chemist was lost and his wife went to police station to file a report for her missing husband.

BC's wife: I lost my husband
officer: whats his height?
BC's wife: I never noticed

officer: slim or healthy
BC's wife: not slim can be healthy

officer: color of eyes
BC's wife: never noticed

officer: color of hair
BC's wife: should be black

officer: what was he wearing?
BC's wife: I don't remmember exactly

officer: was somebody with him?
BC's wife: Yes, my dog (Romeo)tied with a golden chain, height 30inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, wearing a gulden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non-veg food, we eat together and we jog together. (started crying)

officer: well, lets search for the dog first!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [:D] [:D] [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: SeanB on 20/07/2010 19:09:36
Rd is walking along at the mall and meets Bored Chemist. They start chatting and Bored Chemist asks about Rd's wife, as she is not there with them.

RD exclaims, " What a relief, I thought I had gone deaf!".

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 21/07/2010 17:22:09
A RD tells Peppercorn that his company is looking for new accountant,
Peppercorn asks, “Didn’t your company hire BORED Chemist as new accountant a few weeks ago?”
RD replies, “That’s the accountant we’re looking for.” [:D] [:D] [:D]



Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 22/07/2010 13:36:54
John Chapman goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 50 years. The wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the course on you.” John Chapman says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.” [:D] [:D] [:D]


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 23/07/2010 15:17:36
one day Geezer was too drunk and stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says, "No way buddy you're too drunk."
A few minutes later the Geezer comes in through the bathrooms, again he slurs, "give me a drink", bartender says "No man I told you last time you're too drunk"
Five minutes later Geezer comes in through the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says, "You're too drunk"
Geezer scratches his head and says "Damn I must be... the last two places said the same thing." [:D] [:D] [:D]

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: neilep on 23/07/2010 16:05:20
Geezer comes home very drunk and can not get the key in the door. He calls his wife and says" Please let me in"
..and she says "NO"......

ha ha ha  [;D] [;D] [;D] [;D] [;D]









lol [:)]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Geezer on 23/07/2010 19:19:22
Geezer comes home very drunk and can not get the key in the door. He calls his wife and says" Please let me in"
..and she says "NO"......

ha ha ha  [;D] [;D] [;D] [;D] [;D]










lol [:)]

Sheeps are not known for their sense of humour. Hardly surprising when you consider most of them come from Wales.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: SeanB on 23/07/2010 19:51:41
2 drunks are discussing how to go home without waking the wife.

First tiptoes in, and she belts him one with a broom......

Second goes home, slams the door, sings loudly, stomps upstairs and turns on the bedroom lights. He shouts to the wife " I love you, how about a good time!"  Dead silence from the bed - she went to her mothers that day.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 24/07/2010 13:02:41
SeanB entered a busy florist shop that displayed a large sign that read “Say It with Flowers.”
“Wrap up one rose” he told the florist.
“Only one?” the florist asked.
“Just one,” the SeanB replied
“I’m a man of few words.” [:D]


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Make it Lady on 24/07/2010 20:25:12
Not only was there a murder in my village this week but someone had been secretly putting top soil on my Allotment.....The plot thickens!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Make it Lady on 24/07/2010 21:03:00
My favorite hobby is farting in lifts (elevators) which is wrong on so many levels.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: SeanB on 25/07/2010 16:41:50
Depends if you are going up or down. If you go up it is the smell that lingers, and if you are going down then you are sinking to new depths.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: demografx on 26/07/2010 05:58:12

My favorite hobby is farting in lifts (elevators) which is wrong on so many levels.



                 (https://www.thenakedscientists.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.cartoonstock.com%2Fnewscartoons%2Fcartoonists%2Fjko%2Flowres%2Fjkon527l.jpg&hash=4b31d56d0953733d02875b11883daaab)

             Make it Lady, Maybe you just took the wrong elevator?



Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Geezer on 26/07/2010 09:05:23
Depends if you are going up or down. If you go up it is the smell that lingers, and if you are going down then you are sinking to new depths.


Silly! It's the smelody that lingers on.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Variola on 26/07/2010 15:03:37
Depends if you are going up or down. If you go up it is the smell that lingers, and if you are going down then you are sinking to new depths.




Silly! It's the smelody that lingers on.

Of you are going down then kinda lingers is always a plus... :-)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Make it Lady on 26/07/2010 16:42:15
How did I know you would all comment on the fart joke!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: demografx on 26/07/2010 18:36:15

Stinking thinking!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 27/07/2010 08:49:44
JimBob cornered the concert violinist Demografx in his dressing room and insisted he listen to a tape of his talented son playing the violin. Demografx agreed to listen, and JimBob switched on the tape player. “What music’” the Demografx thought. A difficult piece, but played with such genius that it brought tears to his eyes. He listened spellbound to the entire recording. “Sir,” he whispered is that your son?” “No, JimBob replied. “That’s Jascha Heifetz. But my son sounds just like him.” [:D] [:D] [:D]



Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: demografx on 28/07/2010 06:25:03

Of course. Look at the similarities: JB and JH !
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: athore on 29/07/2010 13:19:03
A little guy is sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, threateningly leering biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, watcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as the little guy bursts into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, " I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy.
"I`m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting, and my Boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car stolen and I don't have any insurance,
I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me.
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.
"I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in, and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then a wise-*** like you shows up and drinks the whole thing!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 29/07/2010 15:08:06
JimBob had just started taking new ridding lessons and at the stables was trying to saddle a horse. “Excuse me,” said Demografx, “but you are putting that saddle on backwards.” “How do you know,” snapped JimBob. “You do not know which way I’m going.” [:D] [:D] [:D]


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: demografx on 30/07/2010 00:35:09

JimBob is preparing to bring up the rear in the military.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 30/07/2010 10:27:32
Little Demografx was being selfish to his brother SeanB. His Dad JimBob sat him down and gave him a big lecture about being selfish. When JimBob was done, little Demografx said; "Daddy, I don't even have a shell fish! [:D] [:D] [:D]



Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Make it Lady on 30/07/2010 14:40:21
A man is standing at his wifes bedside in hospital when the Doctor calls him over.
"I'm afraid its the big C" said the Doctor "It fell of the sign at Comet and hit her on the head."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: neilep on 30/07/2010 16:41:23
A Brain pops into the pub and orders a pint of beer.
The barmen says "I'm so sorry sir but I can't serve you"
"Why ?" asks the  brain
"Cos you're out of your head" replies the barmen.



Of course nowadays I sheepose they are called 'barperson'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Make it Lady on 30/07/2010 17:43:03
No bar sheep
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: JimBob on 30/07/2010 23:51:43
Is that how they named that place where the huge battle between the Australian Cavalry in the last great cavalry charge into battle and the Turkish Garrison took place? Beersheba, now in Israel?

I didn't know Neil was that old.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: demografx on 31/07/2010 00:02:00

He's not. Don't let him pull the wool over ewe-re eyes.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 31/07/2010 11:56:56
Little JimBob was standing in front of his mirror with his eyes closed.
“Why are you standing there with your eyes closed?” asked BenV.
“So I can see what I look like when I’m asleep,” replied JimBob. [:D] [:D] [:D]




Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: neilep on 01/08/2010 15:07:38
Is that how they named that place where the huge battle between the Australian Cavalry in the last great cavalry charge into battle and the Turkish Garrison took place? Beersheba, now in Israel?

I didn't know Neil was that old.

I've been there...nice kosher sheep !!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 01/08/2010 17:00:41
A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into pairs for the day. That night, Demografx retuned alone, staggering under an eight-point buck. “Where is JimBob?” asked SeanB. “He fainted a couple of miles up the trail,” Demografx answered. “You left him lying there alone and carried the deer back?” “A tough call,” said Demografx. “But I figured no one is going to steal JimBob.” [:D] [:D] [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Make it Lady on 01/08/2010 20:22:39
I'd pinch him.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Variola on 01/08/2010 20:52:46
What part would you pinch?  [;)]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: demografx on 01/08/2010 23:27:22

Variola, you beat me to the pinch. It was my pinch line!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Make it Lady on 02/08/2010 16:41:11
There is plenty for all of us to pinch.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 02/08/2010 17:36:08
Demografx was showing Peppercorn the family album, and came across a picture of himself and his wife on their wedding day. “Was that the day Mommy came to work for us?” Peppercorn asked. [:D] [:D] [:D]



Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 04/08/2010 09:31:32
JimBob gets into a taxi after a boozy night out and halfway through the journey wants to stop and buy cigarettes. He taps the driver Imatfaal on the shoulder and suddenly Imatfaal screams, swerves across the road and mounts the sidewalk stopping just short of a brick wall.
All was quiet for a few moments and then Imatfaal turns around and says "Don't EVER tap me on the shoulder whilst I'm driving EVER again". JimBob says, "I'm sorry, I didn't know it would scare you so much"
Imatfaal replies, "It wouldn't normally but this is my first night as a taxi driver and up until yesterday, for twenty five years, I was driving a Hearse. [:D]


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 06/08/2010 10:56:15
JimBob had thrown a dinner party, at which raw oysters, curried lamb, and steamed mussels were all served, met her Doctor BORED Chemist on the street the following day. “I’m sorry you weren’t able to come to my party last night,” JimBob said. “You are so busy these days, and I think it would have done you some good to have been there.”
“Your party has done me good,” said  BORED Chemist. “I’ve just seen five of your dinner guests.” [:D] [:D] [:D]



Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: peppercorn on 06/08/2010 14:53:20
JimBob ... met her Doctor BORED Chemist on the street the following day.[:D] [:D] [:D]

What's this JimBob's not telling us?  [:X]  .....  [:o]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: SeanB on 06/08/2010 20:35:40
Remember for a night out it is first a romantic candlelit dinner, then a show, not a sushi bar, then a trip to the ER with Fugu.

I knew a guy who took a pill because he was, how you might say, all stopped up. First pill did nothing, so he took another 15 minutes later, and a further 2 after half an hour. After 2 hours he no longer had the bottom drop out of his world, more like the world dropping out his bottom. Who would ( unless you read the instructions on the bottle) guess a single pill would work, after 3 hours, and not to take more for 24 hours.

At least he could say that he was, so to say, firmly attached to his new room, the one with no view, and a comfortable seat.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 08/08/2010 18:26:33
BenV handed out a coloring page to his class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella. BenV told his class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green, however, Peppercorn colored the duck in a bright fire truck red. After seeing this, BenV asked him: "Peppercorn, how many times have you seen a red duck?" Young Peppercorn replied with "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella." [:D] [:D] [:D]


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 09/08/2010 10:19:01
BenV was driving when a policeman SeanB pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to SeanB,
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"
BenV thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license." Variola sitting in the passenger seat said to SeanB, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smart but when he's drunk and stoned." JimBob from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and in a muffled voice said Demografx , "Are we over the border yet?" [:D] [:D] [:D]



Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: SeanB on 09/08/2010 19:41:29
Ello, Ello, what's going on here?

Nothing Oroficcer, just walking my pet crayfish. I was about to let him off his leash to go for a swim ( undoes string and places crayfish in water)

Well, he has had his swim, call him back!

Orroficcer, what crayfish are you talking about?



Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 12/08/2010 18:52:19
JimBob and BORED chemist along their wives were enjoying friendly conversation when JimBob asked ,” BORED Chemist, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," BORED Chemist replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great." "That's great!said JimBob And what was the name of the clinic?" BORED Chemist went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?" replied JimBob
"Yes, that's it!" BORED Chemist turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?" [:D] [:D] [:D]

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 13/08/2010 16:02:27
Variola sadly tells her husband: We will not be together in heaven as we may die at different times my dear.
After a pause her husband replied; my dear that is why the place is known as 'Heaven'. [:D] [:D] [:D]






Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: SeanB on 13/08/2010 21:15:35
Demografix asked Jimbob for the definition of happiness.

Jimbob replied: Happiness is your wife goes to the mall to do shopping, and you do not go with.

Demografix asked : Why is that so?

Jimbob replied: She went and left all the cash and credit cards at home by accident, and I am leaving for a 2 day work function on the other side of the country now along with the cards, leaving $100 behind for emergencies.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 14/08/2010 11:18:59
JimBob walked up to his father SeanB and stared at his hair. As SeanB scrubbed on the dishes, JimBob cleared his throat and sweetly asked; "Why do you have some grey strands in your hair?"
SeanB paused and looked at his son. "Every time you disobey, I get one strand of grey hair. If you want me to stay handsome, you better obey."
SeanB quickly returned to his task of washing dishes. JimBob stood there thinking. He cleared his throat again. "Father?" he sweetly asked again.
"Yes?" SeanB replied. "Why is Grandad's hair all grey?" [:D] [:D] [:D]




Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: demografx on 14/08/2010 20:22:30


Demografx asked Jimbob for the definition of happiness.


Oh c'mon, Sean, you know that I always consult experts on such matters!  [;D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: demografx on 14/08/2010 20:24:34


Variola sadly tells her husband: We will not be together in heaven as we may die at different times my dear.
After a pause her husband replied; my dear that is why the place is known as 'Heaven'. [:D] [:D] [:D]


 [;D] [;D] [;D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 15/08/2010 13:47:01
Peppercorn enters his local bar holding a frog and an iguana. He sets them down on the bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1000 that my frog here can sing any song you can think of." "Ok," says the bartender. "How 'bout 'Blue Moon'?" Peppercorn whispers something to the frog, and the frog starts singing blue moon. "That's amazing," says the bartender as he slaps down $1000. "I'll bet ya another $1000 that my iguana here can do that to." "Ok, I can believe a frog, but not an iguana. You're on. Have him sing the Star Spangled Banner." Peppercorn whispers something to the iguana and it sings the Star Spangled Banner. As the bartender hands over another $1000, BORED Chemist comes up and says, "I just saw that and I was amazed. I want to buy your iguana for $100,000." Peppercorn said ok, and he exchanged the iguana for the money and BORED Chemist left. The bartender said "What are you nuts?! You could have made millions with that iguana!" Peppercorn said "Oh, the iguana can't sing. The frog's a ventriloquist." [:D] [:D] [:D]



Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: JimBob on 15/08/2010 16:52:47
Why Omid does not go the LAUNDROMAT -

There is a sign above the washing machines that says "Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out."



(Don't do everything you are told to do.)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: SeanB on 15/08/2010 19:41:34
Demo, you must remember that if you are looking for an expert, you must stop looking at that mirror in the budgie cage and ask the birdie to open the door for you.....
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: demografx on 15/08/2010 20:28:30

I'll remember that.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: SeanB on 15/08/2010 20:59:57
When you go to a holiday in Spain, remember that the bull almost never wins the bullfight.

On a holiday in Spain, the tourist was at the hotel, and had this marvelous meal one night. On asking , he was told that it is made from the losing bull at that day's fight.

A week later he orders the same meal, and is very disappointed, the meat is poor quality, has a bad taste and poor texture. On asking the waiter says: " The bull does not always lose the fight".

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: JimBob on 18/08/2010 00:00:42
Since omid is gone for a while, lets take turns posting to this thread.

Here is an offering for today.
___________________________________________

On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man wearing a Green Bay Packer jersey was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.

As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing Minnesota Viking jerseys. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious Packer Backer from the water, Then, using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was bitter hatred between Green Bay Packers & Vikings fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true." As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "who was that"?

"It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know anything about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up O.K., or do we need to get another one"?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: JimBob on 18/08/2010 22:33:11
Geezer walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. I've just quit drinking!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Geezer on 18/08/2010 23:19:55
Geezer walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. I've just quit drinking!"

Yes, but Geezer ain't Irish, at all, at all.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: demografx on 19/08/2010 02:09:36

Geezer walks into a bar in Dublin


How could he without ID???

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: JimBob on 19/08/2010 02:56:56
Geezer walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. I've just quit drinking!"

Yes, but Geezer ain't Irish, at all, at all.

Celtic is Celtic.


And in Ireland EVERYONE drinks.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: demografx on 19/08/2010 18:00:39


And in Ireland EVERYONE drinks.


My Irish friends love this one:

What's the difference between an Irish funeral and an Irish party?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

One less drunk.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: JimBob on 19/08/2010 19:39:50
Geezer, being born in Scotland, is an avid golfer. He is not a great golfer - in fact, he stinks. But to his credit he's always working on his game, trying to improve.

One day two weeks ago, after a typically crappy round of golf, Geeze was interrupted by a police officer as he's throwing his clubs in the car. "Did you tee off on the 17th hole about 20 minutes ago?"

"Why, yes I did officer." Geezer replied.

"Did you by any chance hook your ball over the trees to the left, out of bounds?" asked the officer.

"Yep, I believe I did." Geezer answered. "How'd you know?"

"Well," said the officer in a very serious tone, "Your golf ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a car's windshield. The driver lost control, causing a 5 car pile-up and a small explosion. Three people went to the hospital with injuries. I'd like to know what you're going to do about it?"

The Geeze sat there, seemingly saddened by the devastation caused by his errant tee shot. After much though, the he responded...

"I think I'll aim more to the right, close up my stance, tighten my grip and roll my right thumb over a bit."


There is a lesson in everything in life.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: demografx on 19/08/2010 21:56:52

Thanks, JimBob. I applaud Geezer's dedication to improving his technique - regardless of circumstance.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Geezer on 20/08/2010 18:15:30
I don't play golf any more. I had to give it up when I lost my ball.

The string broke.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: JimBob on 21/08/2010 02:26:37
Must have been quite painful. Was the shepherd confused or did he do it on purpose?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: SeanB on 21/08/2010 15:11:46
I must admit I am not exactly a golf fan, though I worked with guys who were fanatics.

Golf, the game where you go out whatever the weather, take a ridiculously expensive stick, and hit the living stuff out of an innocent ball. You then either walk, or drive a car ( USA a small truck) to get the ball.Repeat 18 times, then go and get a few drinks with your fellows, and lie about how well you play.

A golfing trio are at the clubhouse one day, and, as they are about to tee off, the manager comes there, and asks if a special party can go first.

As the party comes closer, they see that they are blind. Jimbob says " How difficult it is to be a golfer with such a handicap", and allows them to go ahead. Nielep says : They are a dedicated group to play regardless of the difficulty" and also allows them to go on. Demografix says " Why can't they play at night?".


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: JimBob on 22/08/2010 18:42:14
An airline captain was breaking in Demografix as a new flight steward. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed Demo the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new steward was missing. He knew which room he was in at the hotel and called him up wondering what happened. Demo answered the phone, crying, and said he couldn't get out of his room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

Demografix replied: "There are only three doors in here," he sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: peppercorn on 23/08/2010 19:43:55
How many forum group members does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers.

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames.

156 to email the flamers ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy".

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"...another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive.

109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group.

203 to demand that cross posting about changing light bulbs between the hardware forum, lightbulb group and off-topic be stopped.

111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group.

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

47 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs and changing methods.

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.

3 to post about links they found on the URL's that sipport their argument that changing light bulbs IS relevant to the forum.

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again...

 [:D] [:D] [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: JimBob on 23/08/2010 23:02:33
How many forum group members does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers.

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames.

156 to email the flamers ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy".

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"...another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive.

109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group.

203 to demand that cross posting about changing light bulbs between the hardware forum, lightbulb group and off-topic be stopped.

111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group.

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

47 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs and changing methods.

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.

3 to post about links they found on the URL's that sipport their argument that changing light bulbs IS relevant to the forum.

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again...

 [:D] [:D] [:D]


FOG!!

The word in red, above, is misspelled.

(FOG - Finicky Old Git)

FOG's - ARISE!
- Whatever happened to our group of good doers???

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: peppercorn on 23/08/2010 23:48:13
3 to post about links they found on the URL's that sipport their argument that changing light bulbs IS relevant to the forum.

FOG!!

The word in red, above, is misspelled.

(FOG - Finicky Old Git)

Er yeah, urm ... I put that one in for you JimBob!
>>>NtS: God damn it! there's always one!!<<<

Could add:  4 who take offence after misunderstanding acronym!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RD on 24/08/2010 00:05:59
Quote
"How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? ... Juan."

"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

"Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."

http://www.telegraph.co.uk (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/7958469/Tim-Vine-wins-best-joke-at-Edinburgh-Fringe.html)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: JimBob on 24/08/2010 04:07:41
3 to post about links they found on the URL's that sipport their argument that changing light bulbs IS relevant to the forum.

FOG!!

The word in red, above, is misspelled.

(FOG - Finicky Old Git)

Er yeah, urm ... I put that one in for you JimBob!
>>>NtS: God damn it! there's always one!!<<<

Could add:  4 who take offence after misunderstanding acronym!


I am just proving your point. I can do more of the items on the list if you want me to do so.
Oh, by the way - FOG again!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Variola on 24/08/2010 09:03:10
Quote
"How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? ... Juan."

"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

"Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."

http://www.telegraph.co.uk (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/7958469/Tim-Vine-wins-best-joke-at-Edinburgh-Fringe.html)


I  actually preferred Gareth Richards gem to the winner

Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food, or if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub.
 [;D]


(ponders if that joke works over in America...?)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: peppercorn on 24/08/2010 09:49:21
Could add:  4 who take offence after misunderstanding acronym!
Well you've put a word in red again - that's nice!  [;D]
[Oh! It's an American English thing, isn't it?  Er, well I just wanted you to feel at 'home']

Actually your test word this time was 'acronym'.  Their more off initialisms  [;)]


"Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."
My favourite!

I  actually preferred Gareth Richards gem to the winner

Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food,
or if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub.
[;D]
And this is why (us) cheapskates will inherit the Earth!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Bored chemist on 24/08/2010 19:45:50
"And this is why (us) cheapskates will inherit the Earth!"
Should be "(we) cheapskates".
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: JimBob on 24/08/2010 20:19:58
The Attack of the Great FOG-ers returns!!!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Make it Lady on 24/08/2010 20:30:06
I asked my friend "Where are you going on holiday?"
He said "Saint Jo say."
"You fool," I replied "It is San Jose (With the J sounded as a H). When are you going?"
"Hune or Huly"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: looiskim on 07/09/2010 08:46:45
Have any of you heard the one about the logic scientist??? I am askingbecause it is longish but brilliant and too lazy on tis Friday to type it up if you have heard it :p

——————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————
Spam Removed >>> And sorely tempted to ban ya A*S&!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Don_1 on 07/09/2010 09:46:09
I am askingbecause

What a strange name! I am relpyingbecause, Are we related?

tis Friday

No it ain't. Tis Tuesday, unless you come from another planet, in which case, welcome to the planet Earth. (Translation into Zoggish - splickt zebren dur splokendibber Scridgemould.)

I am askingbecause it is longish but brilliant and too lazy on tis Friday to type it up if you have heard it :p

Haven't quite got the hang of our language yet, have you ET?

I've heard of handbag snatchers, now we seem to have a handbag spammer!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 12/09/2010 14:45:13
JimBob asked his servant Don_1 "I kissed KarenW last night is it hard work or pleasure?"
Don_1 replied "must be pleasure sir! or else u'd have asked ME to do it" [:D] [:D] [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: demografx on 12/09/2010 18:29:33

JimBob asked his servant Don_1 "I kissed KarenW last night is it hard work or pleasure?"
Don_1 replied "must be pleasure sir! or else u'd have asked ME to do it" [:D] [:D] [:D]


Is it hard work or hardly working?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 13/09/2010 12:52:31
Demografx to JimBob driving the wrong way up a one way street, "And where do you think you are going?"
JimBob: - "I'm not sure, but I must be late as everyone else is coming back." [:D] [:D] [:D]



Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: imatfaal on 13/09/2010 13:27:32
Omid is back!  Jokes of the day again; thanks!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 14/09/2010 22:28:11
Omid is back!  Jokes of the day again; thanks!

well, omid thank YOU for reading omid's jokes [:)]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 14/09/2010 22:28:35
A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'you have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.'
The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.
The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, 'How are you doing? Are you happy here?'
The cat yawns and stretches and says, 'Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best! [:D] [:D] [:D]


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 16/09/2010 09:39:00
BenV was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with his friends when an exceptionally gorgeous, beautiful n extremely sexy young lady entered. she was so striking that the men could not take their eyes away from her. The young woman noticed BenV's overly attentive stare & walked directly toward him. Before he could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young woman said to him, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.' Flabbergasted, BenV asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'
BenV considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew from his wallet and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand along with his address. he looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Clean my house." [:D] [:D] [:D]


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 17/09/2010 14:29:34
Peppercorn came home from work after a horrible day at the office. His gf has complained to him over and over that he never notices her anymore, and he denied it. When he comes through the door his gf greets him and says,
"Hi, Honey. Notice anything different about me today?"
"Oh, I don't know. You got your hair done."
"Nope, try again."
"Oh, uh, you bought a new dress."
"Nope, keep trying."
"You got your nails done."
"Nope, try again."
"I give up, I'm too tired to play 20 questions." said Peppercorn
"I'm wearing a gas mask!" [:D] [:D] [:D]





Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: peppercorn on 18/09/2010 13:09:19
I'm wearing a gas mask!" [:D] [:D] [:D]

That's not unusual [:)] - Not with my personal hygiene [xx(]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 18/09/2010 14:27:51
Peppercorn at this construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength. He especially made fun of one of the older workman called BORED chemist. After several minutes, BORED chemsit had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where you mouth is?" he said. "I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to the other building that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," Peppercorn replied. "Let's see what you've got."
BORED chemist reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then nodding to Peppercorn, he said with a smile, "All right. Get in." [:D] [:D] [:D]


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: demografx on 18/09/2010 20:31:58
(https://www.thenakedscientists.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fthenewoil.files.wordpress.com%2F2008%2F03%2Fwheelbarrow3.jpg&hash=711e5eb0f79829b9ac6262b31691cf8e)



But first, Peppercorn needs to make a phone call to his lawyer!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: peppercorn on 19/09/2010 12:25:20
Then nodding to Peppercorn, he said with a smile, "All right. Get in." [:D] [:D] [:D]

Damn - Brain over brawn!
And there was me thinking my patented chest expansion program was going to make me rich  [;D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Bored chemist on 19/09/2010 20:04:12
I'm worried.
If peppercorn realises that all he needs to do is decline my offer of a lift to the other building then I'm down a week's pay.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: peppercorn on 20/09/2010 08:40:10
I'm worried.
If peppercorn realises that all he needs to do is decline my offer of a lift to the other building then I'm down a week's pay.
Well, you say a week's pay - I only get four shillings a week on the YTS! [:D]

This joke is sort of a transport equivalent of pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps! [???]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 20/09/2010 18:39:29
Imatfaal was complaining to his mother that his stomach hurt. His mother replied, “That’s because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it." The next day, SeanB was over at Imatfaal's family's house for lunch. He mentioned having his head hurt, to which Imatfaal immediately replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it." [:D] [:D] [:D]


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 21/09/2010 14:41:27
Having arrived at the edge of the river for fishing, Demografx soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. Demografx snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.
An hour or so later Demografx felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth... [:D] [:D] [:D]


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: demografx on 21/09/2010 15:03:16


(https://www.thenakedscientists.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.fwi.co.uk%2Fblogs%2Frural-life%2Fanimal-beer.jpg&hash=2cdaf932cd3633c31914944458baec0d)

I bet this one in the picture is a friend or relative of the snake!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 22/09/2010 17:43:33
Peppercorn lay on the couch telling his psychiatrist a sad tale. “I see BORED chemist, Doctor,” he said. “He is walking down a long corridor, walking up fifteen steps in the green door. There are lots of people standing around. They’re bandaging his eyes – ooh – Doctor, Doctor what does it mean?” “Well,” said the psychiatrist, “if they ain’t playing blind man’s bluff BORED chemist’s in real trouble. [:D] [:D] [:D]


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: SeanB on 22/09/2010 21:33:30
On the Fishing line, I know a man who went fishing one day. On his return he had some lovely fish, which he claimed he had caught , cleaned, scaled and brought home to cook. His better half did not believe him, as he had never cleaned up anything before......

On another tack:

A drunk guy staggers home at cock crow, a little the worse for wear. His wife is at the door, breathingf fire, pan in hand. Before she can hit him, he cries "Don't pay the ransom, I escaped".

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Variola on 23/09/2010 08:46:04


(https://www.thenakedscientists.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.fwi.co.uk%2Fblogs%2Frural-life%2Fanimal-beer.jpg&hash=2cdaf932cd3633c31914944458baec0d)

I bet this one in the picture is a friend or relative of the snake!

That is actually a picture of the worlds strongest beer, made by Brewdog called " The End of History". It is 55% ABV with a price tag of about 500 quid!
I bought a bottle of the previous Worlds strongest beer called Tactical Nuclear Penguin as a Christmas present.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: peppercorn on 23/09/2010 11:47:41
That is actually a picture of the worlds strongest beer, made by Brewdog called " The End of History". It is 55% ABV with a price tag of about 500 quid!

Indeed! Brewdog are a top Scots export! They make some truly excellent beers - I seem to remember they won beer of the festival at Greenwich BF two years back.  Personally, I enjoyed there product a bit too much on that occasion as a 'volunteer' behind the CamRA bar *hic*
I'm not sure I'd call anything 'brewed' at 55% beer though! [xx(]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Don_1 on 23/09/2010 13:54:55
A motorist, stopped at the side of the road, had the bonnet (hood) up and was looking into the steaming engin compartment.

A passing drunk asked him "What's up mate?"

The motorist replied, "Piston broke."

The drunk  retorted, "Yeah, same here mate!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 23/09/2010 18:13:08
Don_1 found a magic genie who would grant him one wish. Don_1 said to the genie,” I wish that I had a non-stop bridge from here to Hawaii." The genie said,” I’m sorry, but that's going to be very hard. Do you have another wish?" Don_1 answered, "Of course! I want the power to understand all women." The genie thought for a minute. He replied, "How many platforms did you want on that bridge?" [:D] [:D] [:D]

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 24/09/2010 20:31:59
A police officer sees Peppercorn driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls Peppercorn over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."
Peppercorn says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees Peppercorn still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses. He pulls Peppercorn over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"
Peppercorn replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach!" [:D] [:D] [:D]

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 25/09/2010 20:55:12
Omid's mother was concerned about her selfish behavior and gave her something of a lecture, stressing that we are put in this world to help others.
Omid seemed much impressed and sat silently, thinking and scratching her head.
At last she looked up and said, “Mommy?”
“Yes, dear?” replied Omid's mother.
“What I want to know is, what are the others for?” [:D] [:D] [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 30/09/2010 12:49:48
Don_1, Demografx and JimBob , stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. Don_1 wishes he was off the island and back home. Demografx wishes the same. JimBob says "I’m lonely. I wish Don_1 and Demografx were back here." [:D] [:D] [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: demografx on 01/10/2010 04:15:08

           (https://www.thenakedscientists.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.esquire.com%2Fcm%2Fesquire%2Fimages%2Fesq-desert-island-0210-lg-89688375.jpg&hash=94ea66e55998751e7baf15ff6cf5b117)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: SeanB on 01/10/2010 21:03:47
An investment banker building a CDO there Demografx?

 It would seem appropriate .
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 02/10/2010 13:54:44
John Chapman awoke one evening to discover prowlers in his storage shed. He immediately called 911, gave his address, to report the prowlers and possible burglary.SeanB at the other end said "Are they in your house?" John Chapman said they were not, only in his storage shed in back of the house. SeanB said there were no cars available at that time. John Chapman thanked SeanB, hung up the phone and counted to 30 and called again. "I just called you about prowlers in my storage shed. Well you do not have to worry, as I just shot them all dead!" Within seconds there were 3 police cars, an ambulance and fire engine at the scene. After capturing the prowlers red-handed, the policeman asked John Chapman, "I thought you said you had shot them all!" John Chapman answered, "I thought you said there were no police available!" [:D] [:D] [:D]

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: SeanB on 02/10/2010 17:45:29
My local police don't have a patrol car....... It was stolen by person or persons unknown. They are looking for it, a white sedan with blue lights on the top and the words "POLICE" written on the side.

True thing is that the police stations have a security company guarding them, but they were still broken into and robbed.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 03/10/2010 10:21:36
BORED Chemist on his deathbed called to him, his 3 friends, John Chapman, Don_1 and Demografx. "I am going to die tonight," and I want to prove that when you go to heaven you can take it all with you. So to my three most trusted friends, you three of course, I am leaving 50,000 dollars in these envelopes. When I die you must come to my funeral and put the envelopes in my coffin with me." BORED Chemist handed them identical envelopes.
A day later they each received news that, that night BORED Chemist had died . So each knew they must go to his funeral and fulfill his death wish.
Standing over the coffin one week later Don_1 confessed, " I can't hide what I've done. I took 10,000 dollars from the envelope because the church needed to be painted."
Then as he did so Demografx also started to fidget then finally confessed “I took 30,000 dollars from my envelope because my hospital needed a new wing."
Then John Chapman said plainly “You bunch of crooks! I wrote him a check for the full amount!" [:D] [:D] [:D]


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 05/10/2010 17:11:42
John Chapman is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer Demografx meets him before the race and says,
"All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, "ALLLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine
John Chapman thinks Demografx is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. John Chapman ignores Demografx's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. John Chapman, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens -- the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, John Chapman thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it" and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
Demografx is fuming and asks John Chapman what went wrong. John Chapman replies,
"Nothing is wrong with me -- it's this bloody horse. What is he -- deaf or something?"
Demografx replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf -- he's BLIND!" [:D] [:D] [:D]

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 06/10/2010 13:35:20
John Chapman walks into a bar, sits at the counter and said "Drinks, everybody on me, even you bar tender" on my tab. Every one got a drink and thanked John Chapman. After a while John Chapman said "Drinks, everybody on me, even you bar tender. Put it on my tab." Everybody got their drinks and thanked John Chapman. The bar tender pulled John Chapman to the side and asked him "You know this is going to be a lot of money, can you pay for this? John Chapman said "No". The bar tender took him in the back, beat him up, and threw him out the back door. John Chapman brushed himself off, and went back into the bar. He sat down and said "Drinks, everybody, on me. Except for you bar tender, you don't know how to act when you get drunk [:D] [:D] [:D]

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 08/10/2010 07:08:19
John Chapman moves from city to the country and decides he’s going to take up farming.
He heads to the local co-op and tells Demografx, “Give me a hundred baby chickens.”
Demografx complies. A week later John Chapman returns and says, “Give me two hundred baby chickens.” Demografx complies.
Again, a week later John Chapman returns. This time he says, “Give me five-hundred baby chickens.” “Wow! Demografx replies “You must really be doing well!”
“Naw,” said John Chapman with a sigh. “I’m either planting them too deep or too far apart!” [:D] [:D] [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: SeanB on 08/10/2010 20:43:28
Demografx goes to the local farmers market. There he finds Geezer  at a stall, selling a fine range of new small tools at a really low price. Demografx buys a few tools, and later in the week compares prices, and finds that the tools Geezer sells are really cheap, below the price of even the wholesalers. The next weekend he goes back to the market, and speaks to Geezer, asking him how his tools are so cheap. Geezer replies " I buy them from the wholesaler, and sell them for 30% less here" Demografx says " But you are losing money on each tool you sell!. Geezer replies " True, but it is still more profitable than farming. ".

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 17/10/2010 13:26:33
Peppercorn was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.

As Peppercorn threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the city's problems.

Slightly pissed off at having to listen to this Peppercorn said, "Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn't make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!"

The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you, but the alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed..."

"Look there you go again," said Peppercorn, "How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?"

"Of course not!" gasped the nun, "The evil alcohol has never touched my lips."

"Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?"

"Well, I really don't know ..."

"I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a drink. One drink. I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the glass, it's inside the person."

"Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it's out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you've aroused a curiosity in me."

"Well let's go inside and settle this"

"No my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch" you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I'll try it."

"You're on!" said Peppercorn.

The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. Peppercorn went into the bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please"

The bartender sighed and said, "Is that darn nun out there again!" [:D] [:D] [:D]
 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 17/10/2010 13:45:07
Demografx's dishwasher quit working so he called a repairman. Since he had to go to work the next day, he told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Demografx's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!" [:D] [:D] [:D]

Men just don't listen!
 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: demografx on 18/10/2010 23:43:40
(https://www.thenakedscientists.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.electriceasel.co.uk%2FMiscimages%2FBulldog4Parrot.jpg&hash=09599373d09898a4bf3615a842973896)

Teamwork!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Bored chemist on 19/10/2010 18:58:07
"Men just don't listen!"
Yeah; like a man would ever have called the repairman.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 19/10/2010 19:40:07
BORED chemist in a posh hotel comes down to breakfast and called over the head waiter Demografx and read from the menu “I’d like one under cooked egg so that it’s running, and one over cooked egg that it’s tough and hard to eat. I’d also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it’s impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee.” that’s a complicated order sir, said Demografx. “It might be quite difficult.” BORED chemist replied sarcastically, “It can’t be that difficult because that’s exactly what you brought me yesterday!” [:D] [:D] [:D]

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: peppercorn on 20/10/2010 10:16:44
BORED chemist replied sarcastically, “It can’t be that difficult because that’s exactly what you brought me yesterday!”

Lol! [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: SeanB on 20/10/2010 20:31:56
I have eaten at places that served food like that.......

The recipe they used for a hard boiled egg was as follows:

Half fill a 200l pot with water, add 1kg salt.
Turn on the heater
Start placing eggs in the pot when the water starts steaming, you will use around 500 eggs to do so.
When the last egg is in wait until it starts boiling.
Wait 10 minutes and turn off the heat.
When cool enough start removing eggs and place in a tray
Serve them........

Those eggs would bounce if dropped out of our bus, still in the shell. At least 5 times before breaking. They were lethal weapons, unless you were lucky enough to get the top ones, they were merely hard, not blue to the core. We did discover they would break windows if thrown at them.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 20/10/2010 22:47:07
"Demografx!" JimBob yells. I’ve lost my memory!"
“Calm down, JimBob. When did this happen.” asked Demografx
JimBob looked at him. “When did what happen?” [:D] [:D] [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 22/10/2010 08:07:18
Peppercorn was observing his classroom of children while they drew. he would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As he got to little Don_1who was working diligently, Peppercorn asked what the drawing was. little Don_1 replied, "I'm drawing God." Peppercorn paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from his drawing, little Don_1 replied, "They will in a minute." [:D] [:D] [:D]



Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 23/10/2010 20:30:22
Four animals a Snake, a Cock, a Cat and a Centipede, all heavy smokers, were playing cards together. When the cigarettes run out, the snake, the big brother, said, "Cock, go out and get some packs! You know, I have NO legs." "But why me?" said the Cock, "I have only TWO legs!" So, the task fell on Centipede with no doubt. Centipede said nothing and left the room.
The left three waited and waited, but Centipede did not show up. One hour later, they couldn't wait anymore. "What's the devil Centipede doing?" Snake said impatiently, "Cat, go out and take a look!"
When Cat gets to the door, he got frightened. Centipede was SITTING there!!!! So the angry Cat said, "What are you doing here?"
"Can't you see? I'm putting on my shoes,” said Centipede. [:D] [:D] [:D]

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: demografx on 24/10/2010 00:59:29

(https://www.thenakedscientists.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.londonstimes.us%2Ftoons%2Fcartoons%2Fjoel_centipede.jpg&hash=4878294860fe758aad1716d504b14fe5)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Joe L. Ogan on 24/10/2010 01:55:42
But what if he drops 100 shoes?  Thanks for comments.  Joe L. Ogan
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 24/10/2010 23:15:32
John Chapman and his wife are beginning to notice that neither of them seem to be able to remember things as well as they used to. So, they go to see their doctor, who explains that there is nothing really wrong with, just typical memory loss associated with old age. He suggests that they each get notebooks and write notes to themselves to help remember things. They go home and that evening while watching T.V. John Chapman gets up and heads for the kitchen. His wife asks if he can bring her some ice cream when he returns. John Chapman says he will, and she says he should write it down. "I’m just going to the kitchen, I'll remember." "Well, I want that with nuts, too." "O.K. he says ice cream with nuts." She asks again if he's going to write it down. "No, I'm just going to the kitchen." "And a Cherry on the top?" He agrees and turns toward the kitchen again and she asks again about writing it down. Now John Chapman is angry, "Look, old lady I'm not senile, I can remember ice cream with nuts and a cherry on top." He goes in the kitchen for 10 minutes and when he returns he sets a plate of bacon and eggs in front of his wife. She looks up and says, "Honey, you forgot my toast." [:D] [:D] [:D]

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: demografx on 26/10/2010 04:30:31

But what if he drops 100 shoes?  Thanks for comments.  Joe L. Ogan


Joe, I dropped more than that at the racetrack once.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: demografx on 26/10/2010 04:33:42

"Demografx!" JimBob yells. I’ve lost my memory!"
“Calm down, JimBob. When did this happen.” asked Demografx
JimBob looked at him. “When did what happen?” [:D] [:D] [:D]


Omid.....hmmmm.....now I forgot what I was going to say!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 26/10/2010 11:39:11
 [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D]

Good one demografx!!! [;D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 26/10/2010 11:53:04
John Chapman told BORED Chemsit he’d found a cat, but it was dead. “How do you know that the cat was dead?” BORED Chemist asked.
“Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered John Chapman innocently.
“You did WHAT?! ?” BORED Chemsit exclaimed in surprise.
“You know,” explained John Chapman, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.” [:D] [:D] [:D]


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: demografx on 26/10/2010 22:47:52


(https://www.thenakedscientists.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Frlv.zcache.com%2Fpssst_card-p1375515994631157337l0q_325.jpg&hash=4312a6324837bfa8a5648fe5b9e0f308)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 27/10/2010 13:20:46
Demografx walks into Dunkin’ Donuts and asked Omid. “Excuse me; miss … how many cups of coffee do you think this thermos will hold?” Omid says, “I think it’s a seven-cup thermos.” Demografx says, “All right …. Give me two black, three cream and sugar.” [:D] [:D] [:D]


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: demografx on 27/10/2010 17:27:04

Ahhhh....it was nice to read that....I just now had my morning coffee! [:)]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 28/10/2010 18:35:38
When BORED Chemist was putting flowers on his Grandmother's grave he noticed Don_1, very distraught, in front of a tombstone several yards away. Don_1 was on his knees, hands tightly clasped in front of him, rocking back and forth, head tilted upward to heaven, tears streaming down his cheeks, moaning softly, "Why did you die? Why did you die?" Over and over again.
BORED Chemist was overcome with emotion at this sight and went over to poor Don_1 to try and console him. "Why did you die? Why did you die?" bellowed Don_1 again and again. BORED Chemist gently put his arm around the man and half whispered to him, "My Grandmother is buried just over there. Is a loved one of yours buried here?"
"No," sniffled Don_1, "It's my wife's first husband." [:D] [:D] [:D]

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Don_1 on 28/10/2010 21:52:31
When BORED Chemist was putting flowers on his Grandmother's grave he noticed Don_1, very distraught, in front of a tombstone several yards away. Don_1 was on his knees, hands tightly clasped in front of him, rocking back and forth, head tilted upward to heaven, tears streaming down his cheeks, moaning softly, "Why did you die? Why did you die?" Over and over again.
BORED Chemist was overcome with emotion at this sight and went over to poor Don_1 to try and console him. "Why did you die? Why did you die?" bellowed Don_1 again and again. BORED Chemist gently put his arm around the man and half whispered to him, "My Grandmother is buried just over there. Is a loved one of yours buried here?"
"No," sniffled Don_1, "It's my wife's first husband." [:D] [:D] [:D]


Now. As it happens..................(https://www.thenakedscientists.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.freesmileys.org%2Fsmileys%2Fsmiley-laughing014.gif&hash=82a8b612958c106b94e898dcd5649966) (http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys.php)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 29/10/2010 18:37:27
JimBob entered the meat market to buy something nice for dinner. Don_1 greeted him and told him to look around. JimBob began to inspect the meat case and noticed the market specialized in brain.
Upon further inspection he noticed a marked disparity between the costs of brain meats. A carpenter's brain sells for $1.50 per pound. A plumber's brain sells for $2.25 per pound. He noticed with alarm that a politician's brain sells for $375.00 a pound. With not a little curiosity JimBob asked Don_1 why the huge difference in price between the similar meats.
Don_1 responded with a deadpan look on his face, "Do you realize how many politicians it takes to get a pound of brains?" [:D] [:D] [:D]


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: SeanB on 30/10/2010 12:30:25
And of course the politicians brain is mostly unusable slimy gel, or fibrous money binders.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 31/10/2010 14:04:48
SeanB landed a plane with a rather bumpy landing. As part of his job he was required to stand by the terminal door and say goodbye to the passengers as they exited the airplane. He was afraid that someone might say something about his rather less than perfect landing, but everyone left without saying a word except for Demografx, an elderly man, he slowly approached SeanB after most passengers had exited the plane and asked, "Did we land? Or were we shot down?" [:D] [:D] [:D]

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: SeanB on 31/10/2010 17:14:33
I travelled on airlines like that................
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Bored chemist on 31/10/2010 19:37:30
I travelled on airlines like that................

Since it's Halloween we might hear from people who travelled on airlines that were a bit worse.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 01/11/2010 18:18:03
God created the donkey & said to him: “You will work unceasingly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence & you will live 50 years.
You will be a donkey. “The donkey answered: “I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is too much. Give me only 20 years. God granted his wish.
God created the dog and said to him: "You will be a dog.” You will guard the house of man. You will be his best friend. You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 25 years. You will be a dog. “The dog answered: “Master, to live 25 years is too much, you give me only 10 years. God granted his wish. God created the Monkey and said to him: “You will be a monkey.” You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks. You will be amusing and you will live 20 years. You will be a monkey. “The monkey answered: “Master to live 20 years is too much, you give me only 10 years. God granted his wish.
Finally God created the man and said to him: “You will be a man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth.” You will use your intelligence to become master over all animals. You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years. Man responded: "I will be a man but to live only 20 years is very little, give the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 15 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years the monkey refused. God granted his wish. And since then, man lives 20 years as a man, he marries and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying all the burdens on his back. Then when his children are gone, he lives 15 years like a dog, taking care of the house and eating whatever is given to him, so that when he is old, he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey, going from house to house, from one son or daughter to another, doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren. [:D] [:D] [:D]


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 02/11/2010 18:12:31
Never say anything bad about Demografx until you have walked a mile in his shoes. By then he’s a mile away, you have got his shoes, and your can say whatever you want to. [:D] [:D] [:D]


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: demografx on 03/11/2010 15:49:28


Wait, omid, I don't even walk a mile in my own shoes. Please don't tell my doctor!! (he says I need  to exercise more). [;D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 03/11/2010 22:53:14
Demografx had been crossing a street when JimBob's car slammed into him. Demografx sued the motorist, whose lawyer made the following statement at the end of the trial.
“Your honor, JimBob was not at fault. He has been driving a car for thirty years, and has never had an accident, nor gotten so much as a speeding ticket. I do not think I need to say any more.”
Unimpressed, the lawyer for the plaintiff rose. “Your honor, since counsel insists on bringing up the matter of experience, may I remind the court that Demografx has been walking for over seventy years…” [:D] [:D] [:D]



Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: demografx on 04/11/2010 01:29:37


No, omid, only 64 years. [;D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: JimBob on 04/11/2010 18:48:03
Better than a Flu Shot!   

   
Miss Variola, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Variola,' he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

"Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Don_1 on 08/11/2010 13:16:05


No, omid, only 64 years. [;D]


70, 64, what's the difference, you must still have some almighty blisters by now!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: demografx on 08/11/2010 17:51:26
(https://www.thenakedscientists.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.woodlands.co.uk%2Fblog%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2Fwalking.jpg&hash=9898f974534529fae2f2c6fc3355eb5f)

No blisters. I walk a mile in these shoes. [:)]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 08/11/2010 23:51:33
While BORED Chemist waited at the airport to board his plane, he noticed a computer scale that would give your weight and a fortune. He dropped a quarter in the slot, and the computer screen displayed: “You weigh 195 pounds, you are married and you’re on your way to San Diego.” BORED Chemist stood there dumbfounded.
JimBob put in a quarter and the computer read: “You weigh 184 pounds, you’re divorced, and you’re on your way to Chicago.” BORED Chemist said to JimBob.“Are you divorced and on our way to Chicago?” “Yes.” Replied JimBob.
BORED Chemist was amazed. Then he rushed to the men’s room, changed his clothes and put on dark glasses. He went to the machine again. The computer read: “You still weigh 195 pounds, you’re still married, and you just missed your plane to San Diego. [:D] [:D] [:D]



Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Bored chemist on 09/11/2010 20:03:21
The funniest thing about that  is that it's probably right- I would miss the plane trying to work out how the thing knew stuff.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 09/11/2010 23:07:06
BORED Chemist, Don_1 and Demografx were sitting on a park bench. Demografx was reading a newspaper; while BORED Chemist and Don_1 were pretending to fish. They baited imaginary hooks, cast lines, and reeled in their catch.
Passing SeanB stopped to watch the spectacle and asked Demografx if he knew the other two.
“Oh yes” he said. “They ‘re my friends.”
“In that case,” warned SeanB, “you’d better get them out of here!”
“Yes, sir” Demografx replied, and he began rowing furiously [:D] [:D] [:D]



Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: SeanB on 10/11/2010 17:25:48
Reminds me of Paddy and Mick, who were at the boozer getting a few stouts. They saw on the telly a show about trout tickling, and decided to give it a try. They went to the canal and Paddy held Mick over the side of the bridge to try to catch some fish that way. After a few minutes Mick said to Paddy " Pads, pull me up!" Paddy asked " You caught a fish?" to which Mick replied "No, but there is a bloody train coming towards me".

Badda Bing!

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 11/11/2010 23:29:29
One day Variola buys a new Mercedes. She heads out on the freeway to try it out and cruises up to about 100 mph. As she was next to Demografx's truck, she cuts him off. Demografx yells at her to pull over, and, obviously not thinking, Variola does. Demografx draws a circle on the road with chalk and tells her to stay there. He takes a knife and scratches her car and pops the tires. Then he yells to Variola, "How do ya like that?" She answers, "While you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!" [:D] [:D] [:D]

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 15/11/2010 23:37:19
BORED Chemist DESPERATELY looking to get married asked JimBob. "Every woman I bring home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like."
"Oh, that's easy," JimBob replied. "All you have to do is find someone who's' just like your mother." "I did that already," BORED Chemist said, "and that one my father didn't like." [:D] [:D] [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: demografx on 17/11/2010 04:17:41
Bored Chemist needs a...

(https://www.thenakedscientists.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.threadbombing.com%2Fdata%2Fmedia%2F22%2Fseal-of-approval.jpg&hash=64c5bd95b082067550674eebbce1ee78)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: SeanB on 23/11/2010 17:28:36
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the cat out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "Why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that critter on the phone. I'm lost and need directions!!!"



Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 25/11/2010 18:54:44
Demografx walked into a jewelry store on a Friday, with a young lady Variola at his side.
"I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend," he said.
JimBob looked through his stock and took out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000. "I don't think you understand-I want something very unique," Demografxsaid.
At that, JimBob went and fetched his special stock from the safe. "Here's one stunning ring at $40,000." Variola’s eyes sparkled, and Demografx said that he would take it. "How are you paying?" asked JimBob.
"I'll pay by check; but of course the bank will want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a check and you can phone the bank tomorrow, and then I'll fetch the ring on Monday."
Monday morning, very disappointed JimBob phoned Demografx. "You lied, there's no money in that account." "I know, sorry, but can you imagine what a FANTASTIC weekend I had?" [:D] [:D] [:D]


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Joe L. Ogan on 26/11/2010 00:14:04
Would Demografx really do something like that????????  Thanks for comments.  Joe L. Ogan
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: demografx on 26/11/2010 09:17:23

No comment, Joe  [;D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: peppercorn on 26/11/2010 11:24:00
Would Demografx really do something like that????????  Thanks for comments.  Joe L. Ogan

And (maybe more tellingly) was Variola really taken for a, er, ride (as in 'taken in', of course!)?  [;)]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 26/11/2010 17:26:20
Joe L.ogan burst into his professor’s office and says; "Professor BORED Chemist, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me."
To which BORED Chemist,  replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award." [:D] [:D] [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Joe L. Ogan on 26/11/2010 18:46:04
Hehehe.  Thanks for comments.  Joe L. Ogan
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: peppercorn on 26/11/2010 19:35:55
"I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me."

An 'F' star, perhaps?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Joe L. Ogan on 26/11/2010 21:03:36
I never had an "F".  I do not know what an "F" star would mean.  Is that good or bad?  Thanks for comments.  Joe L. Ogan
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: peppercorn on 26/11/2010 22:30:30
I never had an "F".  I do not know what an "F" star would mean.  Is that good or bad?  Thanks for comments.  Joe L. Ogan

Sorry Joe [:-X]     It wasn;t really aimed at you  [:P]
School students in the UK can be awarded an A star as the highest mark (an extended 'top grade' if you like) - So an extended lowest grade... erm,... [;)]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 26/11/2010 23:04:34
Peppercorn asks his gf: Why do you weep and snuffle over a TV program and the imaginary sadness of people you have never met?
gf: For the same reason you scream and yell when a man you don’t know makes a touchdown. [:D] [:D] [:D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: peppercorn on 27/11/2010 11:49:47
What is this 'touch...down' you talk of? [;D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: SeanB on 27/11/2010 15:28:28
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: peppercorn on 27/11/2010 18:54:45
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
[???] Is this a set-up for a joke?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 27/11/2010 23:53:18
Demografx was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it; Fifty people swindled!” Fifty people swindled! Curios, John Chapman walked over, bought a paper, and said, "Hey Demografx, this is an old paper, where’s the story about the big swindle?” Demografx ignored him and went on calling out, "read all about it; Fifty-one people swindled!” [:D] [:D] [:D]


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: demografx on 28/11/2010 04:40:23

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?


At that age, Sean, won't they be, er, walking??
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: demografx on 28/11/2010 04:46:18

Demografx was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it; Fifty people swindled!” Fifty people swindled! Curios, John Chapman walked over, bought a paper, and said, "Hey Demografx, this is an old paper, where’s the story about the big swindle?” Demografx ignored him and went on calling out, "read all about it; Fifty-one people swindled!” [:D] [:D] [:D]


(https://www.thenakedscientists.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.corbisimages.com%2Fimages%2F67%2F1C95C2E3-1549-4AE2-8E47-A571EB9CE959%2FOF013663.jpg&hash=1160425237ec56ad4236ecc0c0207000)


The story was in Spanish papers, too!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 29/11/2010 12:50:27
Demografx walks into a post office one day to see JohnChapman standing at the  counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
Demografx curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to JohnChapman and asks him what he is doing. JohnChapman says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks Demografx.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," JohnChapman replies. [:D] [:D] [:D]

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 02/12/2010 18:09:32
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy.” [:D] [:D] [:D]


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 19/12/2010 17:20:32
BORED Chemist and his wife is sitting in their living room when his wife leans over and says to BORED Chemist, "Remember when we were younger and you used to hold my hand?" BORED Chemist grabs her hand. Then she says, "Remember when we were younger and you used to put your arm around me?" BORED Chemist puts his arm around her. Then she says, "Remember when we were younger and you used to nibble on my ear?" To her surprise, BORED Chemist gets up off the couch and starts to walk away. "Honey, where are you going?" she says. BORED Chemist replies, "I'm going to get my dentures." [:D] [:D] [:D]

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: demografx on 20/12/2010 02:00:07
(https://www.thenakedscientists.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F3.bp.blogspot.com%2F_18XkaPdQZu4%2FSVv8Es7XnkI%2FAAAAAAAAPbU%2FatWqFNbhhjY%2Fs400%2F%7E%7E%7E%7E%7E%7E%7E%7E%7E%7ELoveIsNibbleEar.jpg&hash=2234a62fa0b49fe7c00add47cb54eab0)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 21/12/2010 17:54:02
After removing a tiny fish from his hook and throwing it back into the water, Demografx said: “Don’t show up around here anymore without your parents!” [:D] [:D] [:D]


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 22/12/2010 17:01:59
Every Saturday morning JimBob found himself babysitting his three grandchildren...all boys. The kids always wanted to play ''war,'' and JimBob somehow always got coaxed into the game.
His daughter Variola came to pick up the kids early one Saturday and witnessed JimBob take a fake shot as Jason pointed a toy gun and yelled, "Bang!''
JimBob slumped to the floor and stayed there motionless. Variola rushed over to see if he was all right. JimBob opened one eye and whispered, ''Sh-h-h, I always do this. It's the only chance I get to rest.'' [:D] [:D] [:D]


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: yor_on on 24/12/2010 00:19:26
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

colorful.
In a faded way.

a scary thought.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Chemistry4me on 24/12/2010 00:33:27
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
We already do!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Variola on 24/12/2010 00:41:56
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
We already do!
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
We already do!

No they are just the markings the farmer sprays on the sheep C4M....  [;D]

(Blatant NZ-ist joke there!)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Chemistry4me on 24/12/2010 00:45:18
Oooooohhhh

(https://www.thenakedscientists.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fbestsmileys.com%2Fangry1%2F17.gif&hash=0a31ff697898ba0610fc402d54cfe66b)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Variola on 24/12/2010 00:49:27
Awwww don't go!!!

(https://www.thenakedscientists.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fbestsmileys.com%2Fkissing1%2F1.gif&hash=ae565144c2727e0fc27090a0571f5aa9)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 28/12/2010 19:45:46
JimBob lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Demografx, who used to help him, was in prison. JimBob wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Demografx:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later, he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad:
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Demografx

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to JimBob and left.
That same day, JimBob received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad:
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Demografx
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: SeanB on 28/12/2010 20:08:00
Very good one that..........

I found this one inside a Christmas cracker, so corny it is.......


What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas?










Sandy Claws!

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: yor_on on 28/12/2010 23:33:15
:)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: demografx on 29/12/2010 02:57:42
(https://www.thenakedscientists.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.inloughborough.com%2Fnewsimages%2F%2F2008%2F03%2Fimages%2Fprison.jpg&hash=d73390df59ba2d4455c4b025e051aceb)


Demografx, who used to help him, was in prison.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 29/03/2011 19:55:41
What’s this daily charge for ‘fruit’? Demografx asked the hotel manager Jimbob. “We didn’t eat any.” “But the fruit was placed in your room every day. It isn’t our fault you didn’t take advantage of it.” “I see,” said Demografx as he subtracted $150.00 from the bill
“What are you doing”? Sputtered Jimbob.
“I’m subtracting 50 dollars a day for you kissing my wife.”
“What? I didn’t kiss your wife.”
“Ah,” replied Demografx, “but she was there.” [:X] [:X] [:X]



Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 15/04/2011 10:53:24
JimBob charged into the jewelry shop, slammed his fists angrily on the showcase, removed a wristwatch from his pocket and shook it under the nose of the owner. “You said this watch would last me a lifetime,” he yelled. “Yeah,” admitted the owner. “But you looked pretty sick the day you bought it.” [:D] [:D] [:D]


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Karen W. on 15/04/2011 15:26:37
LOL...LOL...LOL...I love both of those Omid and its good to see you posting again...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: peppercorn on 15/04/2011 17:27:50
LOL...LOL...LOL...I love both of those Omid and its good to see you posting again...
hear hear! [:)]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: imatfaal on 15/04/2011 18:39:12
Omid's back :-)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 16/04/2011 11:06:36
Omid's back :-)

 [:)] [:)] [:)]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 16/04/2011 11:10:14
Demografx is walking down the street one day when he notices little omid trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.
However, omid is very small and the doorbell is too high for her to reach.
After watching omid's efforts for some time, Demografx moves closer to omid's position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the omid's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.
Crouching down to the omid's level, Demografx smiles and asks, "And now what, my little girl?"
To which omid replies, "Now we run!" [:D] [:D] [:D]

Title: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 17/04/2011 18:38:48
Before the wedding day the JimBob told his wife-to-be KarenW: "I want you to be the major of the household to be making the major decisions & I'll just make the general ones" KarenW, having heard that, happily kissed JimBob"
Overheard their conversation, JimBob's friend Demografx, pulled him aside & asked: "Are you crazy? How could she be making all the major decisions in the household!"
JimBob, smiling cautiously whispered to him. “She’s the Major but I'm the General. Get it?" [:D] [:D] [:D]



Title: Joke of the day
Post by: Karen W. on 18/04/2011 13:04:58
LOL..Very cute Omid!
Title: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 18/04/2011 17:22:21
eighty years old John Chapman went to his doctor SeanB to complain about pain in one knee. SeanB examined it gently and said, "Well, you know that knee is eighty years old. You can't expect too much."
"That's true," John Chapman agreed; "but Doc, so is the other one and it's not bothering me like this one!" [:D] [:D] [:D]


Title: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 20/04/2011 14:45:07
JimBob, Demografx and BORED Chemist, hell drunk, hailed a taxi. The taxi driver John Chapman seeing that they were so wasted when they got in, he just switched on the engine and switched it off, and said we are here. BORED Chemist gave him money, JimBob said thanks, but Demografx slapped him. John Chapman was stunned because he was hoping that none of them would have realized the car didn't move an inch. So what was that for, John Chapman asked. Control your speed next time, you almost killed us. [:D] [:D] [:D]
Title: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 23/04/2011 11:39:42
BORED Chemist and KarenW (the vampires [:-X]) in their cave. BORED Chemist turns to KarenWand says, "Oh, I'm really thirsty for some fresh blood."
KarenW is amazed and says, "Well, it’s a bit late. Daylight is almost here, and we can't be exposed to any light - you know we'll die." "Yeah, I know," says BORED Chemist, "but I'm really starving for it."
So he went out of the cave and returns five minutes later with blood dripping from his mouth.
"You lucky thing. Where'd you find blood that quick?" asked KarenW.
"You see that tree over there in the distance?" mumbled BORED Chemist, his mouth full of blood.
"Yeah, I think I do!"
"Well, I didn't."[:D] [:D] [:D]


Title: Joke of the day
Post by: Karen W. on 24/04/2011 07:00:10
LOL...LOL....LOL... poor Bored!
Title: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 30/04/2011 13:33:17
BenV: What is the chemical formula for water?
Omid: "HIJKLMNO"!
BenV: What are you talking about?
Omid: Yesterday you said its H to O! [:D] [:D] [:D]



Title: Joke of the day
Post by: peppercorn on 02/05/2011 11:47:08
BenV: What is the chemical formula for water?
Omid: "HIJKLMNO"!
BenV: What are you talking about?
Omid: Yesterday you said its H to O! [:D] [:D] [:D]

Eggs-allent!  [;D]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: omid on 28/12/2011 22:16:09
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.
'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?’ ;D ;D ;D