Naked Science Forum
General Discussion & Feedback => Just Chat! => Topic started by: underdog on 15/10/2006 14:14:18
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I feel pathetic and depressed and I just needed to write about how I feel etc. it's just like talking to a therapist except that it's much easier to spill it out here [8)]
Perhaps you've already guessed what it's all about, painful emotions and very low self esteem.
I had an impossible love relationship through >the web< that's why it was impossible but luckily I got over it, believe it or not, it was the first time I've ever fallen IN love, lasted for a whole year.
It happened when I was a highschool student and it was very very painful and long, and was one of the main reasons I got my bipolar disorder but let's not get there.
I thought I've experienced the most painful thing which is impossible love as they call it and I thought that there isn't anything that "painful" enough to hurt me anymore.
and I always thought that I have many qualities, like good looks, intelligence, etc.
but eventually I discovered that those were nothing but unrealistic thoughts about self, I've zero sense of humor which makes me so sad, and um not even smart, not very good looking, shy as hell and the list goes on and on.
well, the real problem happened lately, I'm a student at university now by the way, and I've never had a relationship with a 'real' girl before because I kept telling myself that it's so soon to have one back in highschool days.
Now, there's a girl that I've a crush on, and there's another guy who does too, so it's getting competitive.
I've already done very nice stuff to that girl, gave her physics cds especially for her etc. my crush was too obvious to my friends and even to her but then that guy came up, he's somewhat good looking, intelligent and he impressed her so much and I'm not ashamed to say that I HATE IT TO MY GUT, he's sparkling, like the perfect guy and I unexpectedly feel VERY hurt, I've only developed this crush for a couple of weeks and I don't know why I feel so hurt maybe because she's the first "real" girl I have a crush on (Not through internet) and I keep thinking about her so long, and that I know that he's better than me, and because I know now that I'm not hot stuff like I've always thought. I feel so bad about myself that I actually hate me, and worst of all, my friends' reactions about it.
Thank god you guys are here even if you haven't read this I feel better already
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A few observations.
Firstly, while your failed affair might well have triggered your depression, the predisposition for bipolar disorder would have been there in any case, and very possibly the reason why you went so deeply into the affair in the first place was the other side of that disorder (you felt both sides, the love and the rejection, maybe more intensely than some other people).
You appear to be fully aware that your self loathing is also a distortion of your self image that is caused by that same disorder, and not a reflection of the true value of who you are. Nonetheless, I am aware that knowing this intellectually is not the same as feeling it emotionally.
With regard to this new girl, you have to ask yourself what your real feelings are. Do you really love the girl for herself, and wish her the best for whatever life brings her; or is she simply some prize to be gained in this competition between yourself and another guy, something to be possessed by yourself or your challenger?
Also, don't think for one moment that girls want 'perfect guys' (any more than guys want 'perfect girls'). People want real people, and one falls in love with someone as much for their weaknesses as their strengths. Maybe this is the right girl for you, maybe she is not; but the girl that falls in love with you will want both the strengths and the weaknesses in you – for your strength is what she will need when she is feeling weak, and your weakness is when she will feel that she can be strong to help you. Only the feeblest of women could cope with a 'perfect guy', since a guy without weakness needs nothing from a girl, so what would the girl have to offer him in terms of a real relationship (as distinct from just trophy hunting).
Ofcourse, it would be naïve to believe that this 'perfect guy' is really as perfect as you make out – I am sure that he too has his weaknesses, even if you cannot at present see them.
George
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First of all, thank you for replying, I appreciate it, and sorry if you've found difficulty in understanding my English (It isn't my main language)
quote:
Originally posted by another_someone
With regard to this new girl, you have to ask yourself what your real feelings are. Do you really love the girl for herself, and wish her the best for whatever life brings her; or is she simply some prize to be gained in this competition between yourself and another guy, something to be possessed by yourself or your challenger?
George
I loved that girl even before I knew about that guy. I think my feelings are true, I sometimes can't sleep well because of the butterflies feeling in my stomach if you know what i mean, I only felt the same way once before when I had that online relationship.
Quite frankly, I wouldn't call it "love" yet, I haven't talked to her much or anything, It's a stupid naïve crush and I know that yet I really can't help it, looks like I fall deeper and deeper everyday.
(I shouldn't be blamed, this is the very first real girl I ever have a crush on)
quote:
Originally posted by another_someone
Also, don't think for one moment that girls want 'perfect guys' (any more than guys want 'perfect girls'). People want real people, and one falls in love with someone as much for their weaknesses as their strengths. Maybe this is the right girl for you, maybe she is not; but the girl that falls in love with you will want both the strengths and the weaknesses in you – for your strength is what she will need when she is feeling weak, and your weakness is when she will feel that she can be strong to help you. Only the feeblest of women could cope with a 'perfect guy', since a guy without weakness needs nothing from a girl, so what would the girl have to offer him in terms of a real relationship (as distinct from just trophy hunting).
Ofcourse, it would be naïve to believe that this 'perfect guy' is really as perfect as you make out – I am sure that he too has his weaknesses, even if you cannot at present see them.
George
I totally agree, maybe he isn't perfect, maybe she doesn't want a "perfect" guy, but I wish you were here to see her as she was so excited when he talked to her after he totally sparkled in biochemistry, I feel jealous indeed.
I'd like to talk about a little something here, I've always thought that I'm very good looking because that's what many people always kept saying to me throughout my life, but recently I lost that because of my family, they keep telling me that I'm so slim, and I've nerdy-haircut and a failed-tan (While my friends say that my haircut isn't nerdy and it fits better than anything else)
see the confliction? now I stay in front of a mirror for couple of hours daily, and looking at my reflection anywhere i go, even looking at my shadow.
This is a complete mess.
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quote:
Originally posted by underdog
First of all, thank you for replying, I appreciate it, and sorry if you've found difficulty in understanding my English (It isn't my main language)
If you had not mentioned it, I would not have known that English was not your first language (I see from your IP address that you are in fact Egyptian, but your English is good enough that it does not show).
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(I shouldn't be blamed, this is the very first real girl I ever have a crush on)
There can be no blame for one's emotions, whether one's first love or one's tenth.
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I totally agree, maybe he isn't perfect, maybe she doesn't want a "perfect" guy, but I wish you were here to see her as she was so excited when he talked to her after he totally sparkled in biochemistry, I feel jealous indeed.
It is difficult to really advise much because we are all different. I am not one who is prone to jealousy, so it is easy for me to say “don't be jealous”, but then I am not you.
To me, jealousy is a destructive emotion. If you like this girl, try and spend time with her, and show to her that you enjoy being with her. If she sees you are happy with her, that will be infectious and she will be happy being with you. If you show that all the time you are with her all you can think about is the unhappiness that you feel about the fact that she enjoys being with someone else, then that unhappiness will also be infectious, and she will feel uncomfortable being with you.
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I'd like to talk about a little something here, I've always thought that I'm very good looking because that's what many people always kept saying to me throughout my life, but recently I lost that because of my family, they keep telling me that I'm so slim, and I've nerdy-haircut and a failed-tan (While my friends say that my haircut isn't nerdy and it fits better than anything else)
see the confliction? now I stay in front of a mirror for couple of hours daily, and looking at my reflection anywhere i go, even looking at my shadow.
This one is very simple – stop worrying about what you look like. There are some pretty ugly guys who still know how to charm a girl off her feet, and some absolutely wonderful looking guys who simply do not know how to make a girl happy.
The simple thing is if you are happy (or at least make the effort to appear to be happy), then the people around you will be happy, and a girl who is happy is more likely to fall in love with the guy who makes her happy (this is true no matter how handsome or ugly the guy is).
If you want to look at your reflection in the mirror, then stop looking at the haircut and the tan, and start looking at the smile.
George
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Right on George![:D] Hey, I don't claim to know what you look like or don't look like, but frankly it doesn't matter! It's what's in your heart and what you put out there... stop being so concerned with looks and be more concerned with that wonderful smile George is speaking of, and a no doubt great personality that you have lurking inside of that body!![;)] Let it out and you are going to shine as bright as any star in the sky!! I promise!![:D] Everyone exubes a beautiful light if they let it shine... So shine on and smile, be happy![:)] It will show!![;)] I know how easy it is to feel bad about ones self, stop worring and love yourself enough to be comfortable being you and everything else will follow suit! Good luck to you and enjoy your life....![:)]
Karen
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Hi underdog,
Listen to the girl, especially the little things that she likes. If you also find out something that meant a lot to her when she was younger or even if it was a few years ago, it will give you some brownie points if you can give her that lost item or memory back. But only do this if you are sure that you are in fact in love with her, only if you truely want to be with her. Everything you do must come from the heart, well, almost everything. What I'm trying to say, don't try to do something that will give you brownie points just to turn around and hurt her. That is not the way it is done. If you do something for someone that will mean a lot to them you do it from the heart.
...............Otherwise just listen to George [;)]
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Flying Monkey Slayer AKA The Big Cheese says:
Of all the things I have lost, I miss my mind the most
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I really appreciate your support guys, I couldn't thank you more [:)]
These forums have been a great help, I always come here whenever I'm sad or lusty for knowledge, and I always find great friends and, ehm, great naked scientists like you guys [:D]
quote:
Originally posted by another_someone
If you had not mentioned it, I would not have known that English was not your first language (I see from your IP address that you are in fact Egyptian, but your English is good enough that it does not show).
English is our second language here, every Egyptian is supposed to know at least the basics if they want to continue Highschool and University education, so they're teaching us it at schools since we were children, yet, some people can't speak English fluently but at least you can communicate with them if you visited us someday.
Thanks to RPGs, movies and the Internet, that's how I work on my English.
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To me, jealousy is a destructive emotion. If you like this girl, try and spend time with her, and show to her that you enjoy being with her. If she sees you are happy with her, that will be infectious and she will be happy being with you. If you show that all the time you are with her all you can think about is the unhappiness that you feel about the fact that she enjoys being with someone else, then that unhappiness will also be infectious, and she will feel uncomfortable being with you.
I got over my jealousy, well, kinda..
I even hang around with that dude, he kinda didn't feel comfortable about it at first but then all went ok.
(We both know about each other's crush, yet, he seems like a good guy and he's my bestfriend's roommate and also his friend).
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This one is very simple – stop worrying about what you look like. There are some pretty ugly guys who still know how to charm a girl off her feet, and some absolutely wonderful looking guys who simply do not know how to make a girl happy.
I'm not ugly, I'm somewhat handsome, well, my hair is so soft and hard to control, and any wind can mess it up in a few seconds even after using hairspray, that's what concerns me most about my looks, and it's getting obsessive, I don't wanna end up talking to my hairs like Jesse from Full House..
http://www.cnn.com/SHOWBIZ/Movies/9808/31/fall.movies/link.matt.damon.jpg
look at Matt Damon's haircut, does it look nerdy to you?
But I get the point, It's not about what's on the outside, but what's inside that counts.
There's something interesting happened today, I realised that I never had the chance to tell her my name, but when I told her about it today she said "I already know it" with a grin! [:D][8D]
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Well it sounds like you have made an impression on her. I hope it does all work out well for you.
Affairs of the heart are always a little tricky, but that's what can make it that even more exciting. The chase is on, but always remember, you are as good as anyone else, never underestimate yourself, people have the knack of seeing the beauty in us all.
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Flying Monkey Slayer AKA The Big Cheese says:
Of all the things I have lost, I miss my mind the most
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By the by, no, I don't think the hair looks nerdy, I wish I had nice straight hair to be able to have hair like that
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Flying Monkey Slayer AKA The Big Cheese says:
Of all the things I have lost, I miss my mind the most