Naked Science Forum
Life Sciences => Physiology & Medicine => Topic started by: carreerslut on 15/08/2009 22:43:55
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Major problems but will stick to the one thing I've been asking about and hope someone can help. Due to anomalies in heart have had several tests including a nuclear perfusion stress scan using thalium, and two MRIs, one with and one without cardiac stressors. My previous question was related to this scan.
The only test remaining was a standard echo immediately prior to my follow-up appointment. Got a letter today saying that arrangement has been changed. Now the echo is to be the day before, in a few days, and is to be yet another stress test, this time whilst having an echo using dobutamine. Just how many times do they have to stress my heart? And surely after an MRI this is not needed?
Clearly something in the MRI must have initiated this sudden change of plan but it makes no sense. If there was an abnormal reaction to stress, why then use a more crude test to look at it again? If the reaction was normal, then why not the regular echo?
Each stress test has left me with agonizing pain, the last time the pain in my legs was unbelievable. Starting to feel like they are not so interested in letting me know what is going on or taking account of my wishes as just ticking off boxes on their list of possible reasons for abnormalities.
Just got an ECG from a recent test at another hospital as a routine check prior to an overnight stay. Abnormalities there also.
Quite honestly the way I'm feeling right now am hoping I will be one of the small proportion who has a heart attack induced by the test. Am that tired of it all. Other issues relating to my pain control too but.....this week is make or break for me.
Anyway, any wise ideas on the out of the blue major scan? Am getting better information from strangers on the web than my own consultants! Something's wrong here. That said no offence at all to anybody just gratitude to anyone who can help and hope you can understand my grouchy mood for what it is.
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BOY OH BOY.. You are in the same boat as me.. They keep issuing these tests but they fail to explain what they suspect or have found to warrant the other tests. It is quite irritating and I have had some really bad pain and discomfort after many of the tests.. Please hang in there but do continue to ask what it is they suspect that is warrants the extra tests and why the need to put the heart under so much strain.... I am still unsure of all of my problems. I do know they have put me on permanent disability!! My health has put so many limits on me and it has been hard and really really worries me.
I think they forget we are the ones enduring the tests scans poking and prodding..and pain and stress, which they say they are trying tolimit and stop.. Have you had second opinions as that has helped me to go to the city and a huge major Hospital has helped a lot!
Please know you are not alone and I know I am saying that and it is of little comfort but I have had the same thoughts... Anything dealing with your heart is very stressfull and There is an overwhelming feeling of imminant demise that creeps into my mind as The seriousness is a deep felt real life cause of depression for me. They tell me that it is a common symptom of the medical complications that are involved around my heart and other physical medical problems, ie kidneys thyroid heart, liver autoimmune etc etc etc.. Everything is out of whack..
"this time whilst having an echo using dobutamine." This I believe is what they gave me on my stress test and I seriously begun having a heart attack! They had to administer a medication to counter the dobutamine..They inserted a injection very quickly when my test went whacky but When I fell they had caught me with a chair and then I woke on a table with iv and severe pain in my chest... I felt like Something had parked on my chest It was very scary and they said it does not happen often.. but it did to me..... I then had to under go an angioplasty or gram where they insert the camera into your heart through the femoral artery in your groin or sometimes through your shoulder,to look for blockages and plak..etc.. My doctor used the femoral because it is a larger artery and he says it was safer then using a small artery in the arm. He said many doctors do use the arm still I understand it to be used a lot in Europe but that is just my Doctors opinion..
Please know I am thinking of you and you are not alone... I do know how stressful this is and how scary it can be not to mention all the pain and discomfort!
I hope you get some better answers soon!
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Just updating as found the likely answer. When I had the MRI, the severe pain in my legs was obviously making it hard to stay still. I thought I was controlling my upper body, but inside it was no doubt writhing in agony. Result was a pile of images they couldn't read. To top they had decided to double dose me on the adenosine as I'd had some caffeine. That test must have cost a fortune, two hours, three senior doctors...complete waste of time.
Good news is my heart looked structurally sound enough, but there is still no evidence on how it functions, hence the stress echo. I declined the test on the day, as some overconfident technician anounced he was going to do the test all by himself. Stress tests are NEVER done with just one person in the room, and at least one of them needs to be a doctor. The risk of a heart attack is real enough, as Karen found out. The cocky technician told me chirpily things usually go fine. I asked what he'd do if something went wrong. He said nothing will go wrong. So I thanked him and went home.
The consultant who saw me the next day was amazed at what had happened, such that he is going to do the test with himself as the medic present. The clever contributor who spoke about blood vessel necrosis was not forgotten, I did bring it up. The Consultant said it usually affects the hips. I reminded him where my primary problem was. I also would not let the leg pain issue drop. It was no side effect, I'm sure of that. I actually think it could be a major factor in my worsening disability. He insisted there was no mechanism that....but in my ignorant way I pushed on with my argument, and saw eventually a glimmer of actual interest in him. He said that he needed to look into it more. Had this leg pain been something new, it would be a side effect. But it was an old pain revived. I spent most of my extremely fit early life plagued with leg pain of the same type, not as severe, but the adenosine brought it back like a memory maginified by several hundred.
Leg pain in youth. Cured as I got fitter, no doubt with a healthier heart and blood vessels pumping well all round. Something, maybe this vascular death, damage from the surgery, neurological problems from my mangled spine, caused me to lose the ability to walk, run, or exercise. Then, when my heart was artificially stressed to work ver hard, the leg pain returned. Seems to me it is about my loss of fitness and subsequent vascular problems. Each consultant tied up in their own speciality, not thinking how nerves affect blood vessels affect skeletal muscle affect bone affect nerves. Nobody has linked the absolute plethora of haemangioma on my skin with the giant ones in my spine with the blood clotting disorders, another random example.
Wrote to a top college discussing going back into medicine, disabilities and all. Never was happy there but want to make a difference in this world, and am passionate enough about all that is wrong...but in the real world. A nurse with a stick is a definite no. A doctor maybe less so but there are other problems, my hand issues, visual problems, even recent cognitive lapses. And am known to all as a drug user. They probably would look at me like the next female Shipman or someone. I know I'm honest, aware of my limitations, and despite all the stereotypes NOT AN ADDICT!!!!!!!
NOT AN ADDICT!!!!!! Screaming that because with my supply cut off will I have to die to prove it? I won't get as far as withdrawal, the pain would make me top myself first. There, said it. To the whole web. As if anyone's reading this self indulgent tripe.
Deleted the next sentence as would have got the whole lot deleted, was about how far my desperation took me a few hours back. Told my consultant, he thought I was worried I'd have a heart attack and reassured me all look fine. I told him it was not that which I was talking about. I think he was perceptive enough to understand, just said he would look into my issues urgently. Came home to a pile of letters so devastating I nearly acted on the spot.
Blog over. Done some stupid things recently. Been protected in some ways, abandoned in too many others. Didn''t do any of what I intended some nine hours back. Some was work, some was not right but need to try to save my life, and the other was so negative instead spent the night emailing and surfing and keeping myself going, despite falling asleep, slept a classic but very bad episode o paralysis.
Anyway, whort answer is there were no answers, hence different stress chemical, and different test. Am in so much pain. What do I do???
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It's really important right now for you to try other methods for handling your pain. ..I know that is easier said then done but I want you to know that I do know where you are coming from because I have been there and am still struggling too..and I have had the same feelings and thoughts but I did act on them and please now there is help out there..!!
I am reading your post and it is being heard and read it is good to talk about it!
I ended up joining a pain management group who get together every week and set goals and bounce ideas off each other and exchange pain management skills which sounds lame but it does help!
They taught m a lot of things I already knew and common sense stuff and I felt silly at first.. but something that helped was not being alone and knowing tht there are things we can do to help ourselves and trying to accept our limitations but not allowing that to get us down but relearning how to do things in a different way instead of the way we used to...
Look into a pain management class and try to get involved.. educate yourself You have taken the first step and you are being an advacate for yourself and read read read about your situation arm yourself with the facts and the possibilities good or bad and strive to attain the good.. Remember as a special man told me..You just can't give up... try harder! It sounds harsh but you know what giving in was more painful then trying harder.......Tears and I know because I gave in..... I am a lucky girl to have such wonderful people to love me and care enough about me to tell me to get up and keep fighting!
You can do this....Please remember that a positive outlook is essential.. and that depression tends to sneak up on us when we are very sick and like a big bad monster it tries to take us down... but there is help get it! Its there for you you just have to want it.. reach out get some one to listen to you talk about it speak loudly when no one seems to hear and don't stop!get a councilor they are wonderful.. join a local pain management and get there by hook or crook... one day at a time .. 1 minute at a time set some short term goals and see how much you can attain....keep trying don't be impatient.. meditate rest and relax.. try massage water therapy helps to especially for the pain .. it has really helped me more then you know.. and it helps lift the gloom too!
You know I may be going down.. but I am not going down without a fight.... and you should do the same! I am going out kicking and screaming... and having fun and loving life..Its a precious gift...
You have had some great news now rather then concentrating on the bad.. start making a goal list put it where you see it work on it.. put all the good news on one list and the problems on the other .. now every time you reach a goal or get good news add it to the good things... even if that means you just did hand exercise this day or posted in the forum or met with the group or shared a burden with another fellow pain sufferer..soon all your good positive side will go up and things will get better... smile everyday!
I had 1 friend in my life and he smiled and helped me to keep smiling and stuck by me thick and thin.. even when I did not deserve it...he helped me find the joy in my life, regardless of the bad.. there is always good stuff out there... Don't let the pain beat you down.. fight back.. give it hell carreerslut !!!
Big Hugs.. now keep your chin up and write me when you need help or a shoulder lets do it together.. we have a lot of life to live .. so lets get to it! Eh?
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Karen I know you are suffering but I cannot be as strong as you. I have no-one. I phoned a hospital in distress and they sent the police around. I was rude to them. There are other terrible stressors happening.
Did a bad thing. Had a bladder infection last week and stopprf off at the hospital on impulse. There was no sign of it on the dipstick. There rarely is. Yet it goes on and on until I take antibiotics which really clears it up. As I had a skin infection and chest one too was clear what I needed, with my clinical background. After the doctor went to find someone to examine my swollen tender abdomen (how about a bladder full of urine - doh!) while he was gone he did not notice me help myself to a box of the right antibiotics sitting conveniently nearby in a pile of new stock, which are now clearing up my skin and bladder gradually, and the chest is at least starting to shift. Have enough knowlege to know what I needed and amazingly there it was for the taking! Were it so easy to help myself to the other meds I needed. I knew it was all on cctv, and I did not care, they were antibiotics for christ's sake. Hardly drugs of addiction. And they were very strong, very appropriate, and even if I am going to die soon have at least released me from the chain to the toilet seat house arrest situatiopn I had for weeks previously and my skin is starting to look human again. Chest feels worse, which is good, sign it is clearing up.
Spent all weekend screaming in despair. May go to the police in a bit, not to tell them I took a box of needed medication, but to put in perspective these welfare checks. Begged for a meeting with the station head. Looked into private doctors or doctors online. Have no money. So many consultants have concerns over my findings and the nature of my condition, yet it is useless if all they can do is test. They can do that at the post-mortem.
Took a minor overdose tonight, because I could, accelerating the day I will run out of all. I had to put a stop to the screaming with despair. Was going to use an over the counter drug to take in excess, but Karen your post did ring a note in me which has hit me before, in less serious times. It was about it being harder to give in than to fight. It is so true. I have given in before, and found myself in worse situations. I gave in before my car accident, and crossed a busy six lane road with no regard to the traffic. I could not care less if I died. I didn't. Just left with major damage to my better leg and a new pain to add to the others which even at times exeeds them.
I believe in God. Yes, on a science forum, as a scientist, it happens. I believed I would not be allowed to suffer like this. And true enough to date something has always rescued me. But, this is the loony bit, I have always has a sense of the angel of death when it is near, usually a month for the event. Sensed it. It was for me this time. I am either going to die or grow a life in me. Wishful thinking. The angel comes sometimes and goes again, meaning sickness for those close to me. It was not a permanent visit, but the first time it looked directly at me. And with all the mail I came home to on Friday it is too much to fight, even were I well. I'm not ready to go. But who ever is.
Life was just getting started. Dressed and police. Maybe they hold the miractle, or should it be the hospital. Either would keep me in.
I was begging in my heart for my cardiologist to tell me I was to die soon. To take away the responsibility. He knows there is something wrong, he just doesn't know what. He won't discharge me until he's done the stress echo, which he thinks will be okay. He is though putting pressure on others to see me.
I am a narcotic head. Nothing else but that and the benzos work. And I am to die to prove what point? Personally think EVERY drug should be available for purchase at any store and the addicts can weed themselves out of the population, allowing those of us with self control and genuine issues to use responsibly. Instead the genuinely in need get punished, tortured, shamed and killed, whilst the addicts jump around the system helping themselves anyway as they have the health, or robbing others to buy on the black market if they only can get high that way. And all the treatment centres are set up for them. They get given medicine, money, incentives...just for being out of control. I turn up with pain and need and get turfed out like some manipulative fraud.
Yes if I was a doctor I would be handing out prescriptions like sweets. It is not mine or anyone else's right to judge another's suffering. And all will be self-righteously up in arm at my opinion, thinking of the poor dead drug addicts. THEIR CHOICE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I did not choose to be in pain and too weak to go out hunting for drugs. Let the wasters die if it saves the lives of those of us in pain.
It'll never happen. No, it is me who must die, and be declared a waste of space. I have worked all my life, gotten two undergraduate degress and working towards my third, five professional qualifications, two masters degress, one gained on a highly competiive scholarship, never harmed a person or animal in my life. And am just a nuisance bored pre-middle adged nobody in the eyes of medicine because I need pain pills and talk directly.
I think it will be this week. Fight over. Feel like rubbish. UTI rubbish, needed those antibiotis, and had to steal them.
Police or hospital or graveyard or walk in front of another car? Moderators feel free to swipe this post. Everything else controversial about me has been swiped.
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Karen I know you are suffering but I cannot be as strong as you. I have no-one. I phoned a hospital in distress and they sent the police around. I was rude to them. There are other terrible stressors happening.
Did a bad thing. Had a bladder infection last week and stopprf off at the hospital on impulse. There was no sign of it on the dipstick. There rarely is. Yet it goes on and on until I take antibiotics which really clears it up. As I had a skin infection and chest one too was clear what I needed, with my clinical background. After the doctor went to find someone to examine my swollen tender abdomen (how about a bladder full of urine - doh!) while he was gone he did not notice me help myself to a box of the right antibiotics sitting conveniently nearby in a pile of new stock, which are now clearing up my skin and bladder gradually, and the chest is at least starting to shift. Have enough knowlege to know what I needed and amazingly there it was for the taking! Were it so easy to help myself to the other meds I needed. I knew it was all on cctv, and I did not care, they were antibiotics for christ's sake. Hardly drugs of addiction. And they were very strong, very appropriate, and even if I am going to die soon have at least released me from the chain to the toilet seat house arrest situatiopn I had for weeks previously and my skin is starting to look human again. Chest feels worse, which is good, sign it is clearing up.
Spent all weekend screaming in despair. May go to the police in a bit, not to tell them I took a box of needed medication, but to put in perspective these welfare checks. Begged for a meeting with the station head. Looked into private doctors or doctors online. Have no money. So many consultants have concerns over my findings and the nature of my condition, yet it is useless if all they can do is test. They can do that at the post-mortem.
Took a minor overdose tonight, because I could, accelerating the day I will run out of all. I had to put a stop to the screaming with despair. Was going to use an over the counter drug to take in excess, but Karen your post did ring a note in me which has hit me before, in less serious times. It was about it being harder to give in than to fight. It is so true. I have given in before, and found myself in worse situations. I gave in before my car accident, and crossed a busy six lane road with no regard to the traffic. I could not care less if I died. I didn't. Just left with major damage to my better leg and a new pain to add to the others which even at times exeeds them.
I believe in God. Yes, on a science forum, as a scientist, it happens. I believed I would not be allowed to suffer like this. And true enough to date something has always rescued me. But, this is the loony bit, I have always has a sense of the angel of death when it is near, usually a month for the event. Sensed it. It was for me this time. I am either going to die or grow a life in me. Wishful thinking. The angel comes sometimes and goes again, meaning sickness for those close to me. It was not a permanent visit, but the first time it looked directly at me. And with all the mail I came home to on Friday it is too much to fight, even were I well. I'm not ready to go. But who ever is.
Life was just getting started. Dressed and police. Maybe they hold the miractle, or should it be the hospital. Either would keep me in.
I was begging in my heart for my cardiologist to tell me I was to die soon. To take away the responsibility. He knows there is something wrong, he just doesn't know what. He won't discharge me until he's done the stress echo, which he thinks will be okay. He is though putting pressure on others to see me.
I am a narcotic head. Nothing else but that and the benzos work. And I am to die to prove what point? Personally think EVERY drug should be available for purchase at any store and the addicts can weed themselves out of the population, allowing those of us with self control and genuine issues to use responsibly. Instead the genuinely in need get punished, tortured, shamed and killed, whilst the addicts jump around the system helping themselves anyway as they have the health, or robbing others to buy on the black market if they only can get high that way. And all the treatment centres are set up for them. They get given medicine, money, incentives...just for being out of control. I turn up with pain and need and get turfed out like some manipulative fraud.
Yes if I was a doctor I would be handing out prescriptions like sweets. It is not mine or anyone else's right to judge another's suffering. And all will be self-righteously up in arm at my opinion, thinking of the poor dead drug addicts. THEIR CHOICE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I did not choose to be in pain and too weak to go out hunting for drugs. Let the wasters die if it saves the lives of those of us in pain.
It'll never happen. No, it is me who must die, and be declared a waste of space. I have worked all my life, gotten two undergraduate degress and working towards my third, five professional qualifications, two masters degress, one gained on a highly competiive scholarship, never harmed a person or animal in my life. And am just a nuisance bored pre-middle adged nobody in the eyes of medicine because I need pain pills and talk directly.
I think it will be this week. Fight over. Feel like rubbish. UTI rubbish, needed those antibiotis, and had to steal them.
Police or hospital or graveyard or walk in front of another car? Moderators feel free to swipe this post. Everything else controversial about me has been swiped.
Yes you can.. I had no one for so long.... you can do it. You have friends and people who care that you have never even met! You need to first be your own friend.. love yourself and start to try to heal....
I know all you see is the end... I know all about it....and being alone is no cup of tea! I do understand more then you know how that feels.... You need to start by taking notes, monitoring your symptoms 24 /7 keep trck of even the little stuff, document it... note what you are doing when certain things occur schedual your meal times in with that also.
I understand also having ) money.. I spent the majority of last year without heat or water or electricity trying to keep my home over my head because I had no money.. I was trying to pay mortgage but I was slowly looing that too. I have been sick for several years now.. and it has taken its toll on my physical as well as financial well being.. I cannot tell you how badly I felt and how many times I was sick because I couldn't afford to pay for 22 pills a day to keep everything in check...Grant it I am now down to 13 pills 2 inhalers and nitro glycerin when needed with tons of physical therapy.. working towards 7 days a week water aerobics.. so far I have made 6 days a week and last night I collapsed from exhaustion and pain and just plain wrung out ....
I know your mobility is not good and I am in the same boat.. you need to make a goal of movong something everyday .. do some exercise weather lying down or however you need to.. Look into a therapy pool charitable place like easter seals or something there are programs out there to help...
Where do you live? Let me try to help get you get help...There are organizations and people who volunteer their time to do this and you will make friends also..
I am just getting some help arranged for myself here as this will be the last week I have any family help... kids are all working Ex Husband is moved out...
Lets get on the phone and make some calls...
i am sorry you had to do that for your medication. You need a doctors help and some support in place..
Please let me help if I can.
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from:careerslut
Spent all weekend screaming in despair. May go to the police in a bit, not to tell them I took a box of needed medication, but to put in perspective these welfare checks. Begged for a meeting with the station head. Looked into private doctors or doctors online. Have no money. So many consultants have concerns over my findings and the nature of my condition, yet it is useless if all they can do is test. They can do that at the post-mortem.
Yes these tests are important though but I understand your concern.. Is it that you feel because you haven't proper funds that they will not really do anything but tests? Is this your concern.. too much time testing and not treating? I do not see how they can properly diagnose or treat you, until they are fully aware of the problems..They must be careful to treat for the proper things... surely they can treat you anyways...money or not considering the apparent seriousness involved in your conditions.
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from careerslut
Took a minor overdose tonight, because I could, accelerating the day I will run out of all. I had to put a stop to the screaming with despair. Was going to use an over the counter drug to take in excess, but Karen your post did ring a note in me which has hit me before, in less serious times. It was about it being harder to give in than to fight. It is so true. I have given in before, and found myself in worse situations. I gave in before my car accident, and crossed a busy six lane road with no regard to the traffic. I could not care less if I died. I didn't. Just left with major damage to my better leg and a new pain to add to the others which even at times exeeds them.
I believe in God. Yes, on a science forum, as a scientist, it happens. I believed I would not be allowed to suffer like this. And true enough to date something has always rescued me. But, this is the loony bit, I have always has a sense of the angel of death when it is near, usually a month for the event. Sensed it. It was for me this time. I am either going to die or grow a life in me. Wishful thinking. The angel comes sometimes and goes again, meaning sickness for those close to me. It was not a permanent visit, but the first time it looked directly at me. And with all the mail I came home to on Friday it is too much to fight, even were I well. I'm not ready to go. But who ever is.
Please try to be strong and do keep fighting.Tomorrow will bring new challenges and you will gain new strengths if you put your mind to it and try.
i know the angel you speak of but I also know that that angel will not tease you.... you need to live and the coming and going of its presence I believe is the pure will on your part to live and fight for your life. We are all in more control then we know over our mind and spirit.. and if our minds falter so to do our spirits and you must keep your mind strong and your spirits as high as possible you have an inner strength that you do not realize and there is great strength in healing that resides inside you..
I am so glad you did not succeed and I know if you really fight things will be better!
I know that giving up was killing me faster then fighting but it was also ripping apart all the good I ever had in my life and blinding me to the truths of love and joy and simply breathing in fresh air each minute of every day!
Take it in smell everything today,, breath in deeply and enjoy the lungs filling with air.. proper breathing will help everything work better! Just breath and take every moment one moment at a time and climb up and away from the darkness and the fear...You can't overcome the pain but there are ways to co-exist with it and to cope in a manner that will be tolerable.. there will be good days and bad.. but you can get through them...
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from careerslut
Life was just getting started. Dressed and police. Maybe they hold the miractle, or should it be the hospital. Either would keep me in.
I was begging in my heart for my cardiologist to tell me I was to die soon. To take away the responsibility. He knows there is something wrong, he just doesn't know what. He won't discharge me until he's done the stress echo, which he thinks will be okay. He is though putting pressure on others to see me.
Please give yourself permission to continue to live...allow yourself a dream and let it build... keepna dream in your heart and remember he did not say you were dying and anytime we have afflictions of the heart medically speaking it is normal to experience that impending doom and it is quite common to feel those emotions when the heart is sick or not working quite up to par that doomed feeling occurs .. when I had my heart attack I felt that feeling of death looming over me it was real like the black plague spreading around my shoulders onto my chest.. I knew I was going to die and that was before any pain... I was told by my doctor that our body puts out this chemical that can actually be checked after a heart attack that causes this feeling its the count gets higher if you had a heart attack.. the levels are elevated.. can't remember their names.. but that is a major reason for those feelings.. you need to listen to the doctor and be positive!
Its good for him to do the stress echo in a controlled environment so they can make sure things are in hand should something happen.. but the majority of people do fine so please relax and it will be alright!
They will get you the doctors you will need and they will figure it out...
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This may be the stupidest thing I've done, but given your terrific and valuable efforts at support will do it. Will admit something that only just dawned on me tonight.
It's pretty common for dieting to result in ultimate weight gain, and my meds have suddenly become forbidden fruit. For over a decade I was in control, having all I needed, limiting doses so as not to build tolerance and keep the pain relieving properties. I was entirely in control. Then came the loss of supply, with amounts coming in only occasionally and alongside that the loss of consistant medical help and along side that the worsening of all and along side that a dam car accident. Then today I realised just how many pills I had swallowed in a few hours, and then how many in one go, and it was enough to kill me, absolutely.
Spent this evening drifting between reality and dreaming, unsure of what has happened and what hasn't. Do remember phoning the police and telling them a few choice explitives. Was told to hang up and an hour later the phone was still on my ear, must have slept. Have an appointment soon, so must stay awake. Will treat myself to a full fry up breakfast at the hospital. So the confession is this. I am, with all my self-righteousness, officially out of control with my pain pills. To top it all I am still in pain and took another handful. As I expect to die soon can see no point in rationing them.
I need to start again. I am losing my mental health. I heard the police talk more than once about getting me sectioned. This is wrong. I was never irresponsible or a recreational user of these meds, yet now I am just taking them for the sake of it, the pain is going on regardless. Now and again enough get through to dull it but am practically a vegetable by then. And what when I run out? Hard to stay focussed while am writing in.
Have a work deadline today and haven't even started it. If I started now would still be a week late. People being kind to me regarding deadlines, but...slept again....will lose all if I keep defaulting. Even this computer was a gift from them.
Karen you've been through so much. I sm ...slept...still on the test after test treadmill, and my case is fraught with politics. From personal clashes with key individuals who have messed up my agility to get primary fare...bang eokr me up....to being and ex staff member at one of the hospitals. But no nolnter worried about humiliation, my lifr id sy stake.
Need to get some coffee
Have joined Sku[e sp can chat from there if you kile. tou#re over the pond rom me so....this is reiiculous, keep cfalling asleep and have to get out formy appiurntment.
Wanted to saty so much/ But thank you for getting vack to me. Yes I do need to detoc form these pills, but have no money, and can't be left in pain.
Have lost control of my meds, for the first time, ever.
Dotty got yhr yy[pdd...d;rr[[omh zzzzzzzz
oes this make any senre?
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This may be the stupidest thing I've done, but given your terrific and valuable efforts at support will do it. Will admit something that only just dawned on me tonight.
It's pretty common for dieting to result in ultimate weight gain, and my meds have suddenly become forbidden fruit. For over a decade I was in control, having all I needed, limiting doses so as not to build tolerance and keep the pain relieving properties. I was entirely in control. Then came the loss of supply, with amounts coming in only occasionally and alongside that the loss of consistant medical help and along side that the worsening of all and along side that a dam car accident. Then today I realised just how many pills I had swallowed in a few hours, and then how many in one go, and it was enough to kill me, absolutely.
Spent this evening drifting between reality and dreaming, unsure of what has happened and what hasn't. Do remember phoning the police and telling them a few choice explitives. Was told to hang up and an hour later the phone was still on my ear, must have slept. Have an appointment soon, so must stay awake. Will treat myself to a full fry up breakfast at the hospital. So the confession is this. I am, with all my self-righteousness, officially out of control with my pain pills. To top it all I am still in pain and took another handful. As I expect to die soon can see no point in rationing them.
I need to start again. I am losing my mental health. I heard the police talk more than once about getting me sectioned. This is wrong. I was never irresponsible or a recreational user of these meds, yet now I am just taking them for the sake of it, the pain is going on regardless. Now and again enough get through to dull it but am practically a vegetable by then. And what when I run out? Hard to stay focussed while am writing in.
Have a work deadline today and haven't even started it. If I started now would still be a week late. People being kind to me regarding deadlines, but...slept again....will lose all if I keep defaulting. Even this computer was a gift from them.
Karen you've been through so much. I sm ...slept...still on the test after test treadmill, and my case is fraught with politics. From personal clashes with key individuals who have messed up my agility to get primary fare...bang eokr me up....to being and ex staff member at one of the hospitals. But no nolnter worried about humiliation, my lifr id sy stake.
Need to get some coffee
Have joined Sku[e sp can chat from there if you kile. tou#re over the pond rom me so....this is reiiculous, keep cfalling asleep and have to get out formy appiurntment.
Wanted to saty so much/ But thank you for getting vack to me. Yes I do need to detoc form these pills, but have no money, and can't be left in pain.
Have lost control of my meds, for the first time, ever.
Dotty got yhr yy[pdd...d;rr[[omh zzzzzzzz
oes this make any senre?
I am glad you are on line again..and am happy to see that you are really thinking about the big picture!
I know that you are in pain and also know how hard it is to try to keep the pain at bay that is why it is so important to allow some of the pain so you know your still living... You can begin with some very deep meditation and deep breathing....Begin to look at your life and try to go back to a time when you were in control and you felt good before the pain! Think about the things you did then... concentrate on becoming that person again for a hour a day.. 10 minutes a time if you can.. whatever is in your attainable reach... concentrate on an activity and not the pain... make that list during the first ten minutes.. write down at least ten things you love or want from your life!
In a hour or two sooner if you can, do it again... this time just reading your list and seeing yourself there in your mind give your self a smile and a hug and know that you are special, and that you matter and that life is full of smiles and tears, but without them both, how would we know How good life can be eh? Smile about the sun, the rain, a baby a bird... smile at a cute old couple on the street, or a child splashing in a sprinkler or puddle... remember how it felt to do things like that and allow your body to relax and enjoy a good memory .. try to think of positive thoughts and when your ten minutes are through pick another activity perhaps looking at or making a scrap book.... I think you can go on line and make a digital one with cool backgrounds etc.. dedicate the start to a goal or a few things you want. Put those pictures in the front pages and every day take a new picture and add it to the book and start working towards your pain relieving goals by introducing self love and self esteem and start writing down your feelings in pros or poetry or simply journaling it.. concentrate on life and not death! I know its hard I have been there and I still have those feelings but I am not going to allow them to be the dictators in my life! I want to be in control and take charge of my own destiny, if you will, and you can, make life and joy your reality. If you so choose, please try to change your mindset.. you tell your body just what it is you will not accept and then remove the obstacle don't let the obstacle own you and weigh you down....
Hum a song from childhood and sing a tune. Remember how good things can be, and if that is hard then think about how much worse others have things... I see people everyday with tons more pain then me, and I try to keep in mind we each handle it differently, and then I say to myself and to a higher being that I am grateful that I have the ability to still feel compassion for others, and put aside my own pain to think about theirs, and I know when you are in pain, its hard to wonder far from ones own id. Pain is hard to deal with!
I have skype but only on my big computer that is not on line right now... money situation forces me to use my laptop and my wireless cellphone connection to access the web..
I am leaving really early in the morning to be driven down to Standford for yet more tests.. its an ongoing battle..but each time I learn something new or am corrected for my lack of memory regarding details... usually what I forgot to do! LOL...LOL
I will be back hopefully Friday night as Sunday is my Birthday.. I turn 49. LOL.. So if I am good and follow directions I am counting on celebrating my big 50 next year.. that is my goal... my grandparents and mom all the women in my moms grandmas side only live to be approximately 54 years old they all die between 54 and 57 oldest I know.. my grandpas side way different my great grandma lived to be about 105 and another right around the same age.. back further there were many very old family members so I came from some good old stock.. I am counting on them rubbing off on me.. I am counting on you to pick an old old relative and do some rubbing of your own!!!
I have been in your shoes wanting to take my own life...Not something I like to talk about because I never knew I the person I am and was could ever do such a thing.. it came out of the blue for me.. I did not see it I was blindsided by it.. and I am really still in awe that it happened it is hard for me to accept. I like me, I am a decent person and have always tried hard to be kind to everyone and do the right thing but at that moment in my life I had lost everything in my world that meant anything at all to me....my health my work my whole self had been swallowed up in sickness and depression and low self esteem.. Things that happened as a kid that I thought I had dealt with flew up in my face.. a rape, molestation abuse, a crumbling marriage,and a loss of myself and two years that just disappeared ....Your body can shut itself down so fast that you won't know whats happening.. but you have the ability right now to stop it and take the power back stand up and fight for every breath every day every smile and every moment that you have to live and give give give.. the rewards will out weigh all else and the pain will become more bearable..you will find smiles and slowly take back control and be able to give your life direction once again... take the class like I said..do it to the best of your ability... Be patient it takes time and does not happen overnight but it will happen...
You can tapper the pills down slow but do stop taking by the handfuls... Call your local poison control center and they can tell you how to safely get off the pills you are taking... Give them the whole list! OK...They know which ones you must be careful of and how to get off them.. they will tell you what to expect and how to prepare yourself for it....I hope your poison control center can do the same thing....
You may email me or send me messages if you like and I will take my lap top with me to the medical center and you can tell me whatever you need to... I will be here as much as I can..... You tell me what you are ready for and lets see what we can do to get the ball moving for you.....If you need to ask about a support system there, place a note here.. as a matter of fact any of you Ukers that can put up some information for pain management classes or groups close to Careerslut, please post some resources for her to get some help....preferably in her area.... Perhaps someone knows some counselors that could provide services also...
I will write again soon I must pack right now and try to get some sleep We have an 8 hour drive tomorrow its just us two gimpy girls going it ourselves so we will not be able to burn a trail as quick as our previous male drivers could!
You keep posting eh.. I will check in on you soon...
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I am heading out and am leaving you some information in your message box here in the forum...remember positive things in that list! One hour one day at a time...
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How are you doing..? We arrived safely in Stanford last night about 7:30ish pm.
Have been thinking about you there and wondering what you have planed for your weekend....? *smiles*
Remember work on a goal or two.. positivity!
Try to stay within the regular dose guidelines today, and cut them back.. if you need help keep in mind my message...
I will check in again in a bit after my appointments... am going to try to take a nap.. The heat yesterday coming down was horrid! Sniffling hot!
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i assume you live in britain, since you have the same local time as me and the phrase "over the pond" is a british/american idiom. which city or town do you live in? you can tell me via PM if you don't want to publicly.
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Hey I am back and wondering how you are doing.. I hope your days have been brighter over this weekend! Please let me know how you are?
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Appreciate concerns. Regrettably despite all efforts time is here for final decision. Not a question of waiting until I feel more cheerful, feel fine. Just a simple connection between medication supply and me. Did what I intended, fought endlessly until the last moment. Permanent desire to sleep right now, making the one final push to fight very hard. Then can sleep, slept 9 hours and need more. Net time I wake up have to put an end to the pain. Sorry if this is not making sense, thanks for support. Sleep now then actuib, Cant believe I need to sleep after so manyhouts but just do. Kepp well and thanks for the site.
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Careerslut I do know that ultimately you will do what you feel you have to, but Really try harder to think about this... You can beat the addiction from the pain meds and get things back on a even kilter again.. You can bear more then you believe you can.....This is going to be harder then just simply giving up after just a few days when you just started to try again....
I know the disparate feeling to stop the pain and to end it and just not worry!!
Its not just about you.. think of your family who love you and care about you... all your friends and acquaintances that would be shocked and devastated.. they are going to feel guilty and sad at your loss they will be angry and hurt that you chose to leave them here.... they need you in there lives as much as you have needed others in yours.. we all do weather we think so or not we interact and lean on others in ways we never imagined.. we are humans.. we are emotional sensitive people some of us just express things differently......
Please contact the number I sent you in your PM's I know we are 5000 miles apart but we are intelligent people and we can talk you can get through this ...You need to hang on and tell me more about your current condition...
I am assuming you still have pain meds...? I am also assuming you have taken more then is safe?
Please make your next call for that hot line number some one will come if you ask they will help you kick this thing and you will not be alone.. the thing is you need to care enough about you to make the call accept the help.. I see you reaching out for help and now you have the opportunity to reach back and hang on get your self up and get your life back! Please care enough about yourself that you can get help, not just for you but for all those who care for you and love you!
Don't be afraid to call.. You wanted help and it is here now you need to be brave enough to accept it now take the hand at the end of the phone line and start your journey back to life..... it is a roller coaster of amazing rides and some of them are so scary... but you can do it!
Think about it!
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I hope you are making an effort to set some goals.
I have been thinking of you constantly.
Good thoughts !
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Hi Am Hoping and praying that you are feeling better...Email me ok?
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think I acidently started a new thread sp cit an d pasted it as was good that people responded here. sorry for terrible sellng and that but no glasses and only out of bed for a fel minutes every so often and my page was stil up, shere I relised had been in another thread and moved, so here was it:
'Yes am still here, and thanks for all support. Not up to psting or emailing but do look on the site now and again. Maybe will respond more if a few days as really at a physical low right now. Proble far from solved but got a week of medicine at least. Have a lot to tell and thnks 4 support.
later'
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I posted in your other thread and will cut and paste it in here too! So Very proud of you!
Quote from: carreerslut on 11/09/2009 16:49:43
"Yes am still here, and thanks for all support. Not up to psting or emailing but do look on the site now and again. Maybe will respond more if a few days as really at a physical low right now. Proble far from solved but got a week of medicine at least. Have a lot to tell and thnks 4 support.
later"
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Quote KarenW._______________________________________________________________
"Oh my ....I am so glad you posted am so happy you posted so glad!!!!! Tears tears tears tears... Yes, but this is a start! This is a place to start....I am so proud of you! So happy you are ok and safe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
hugs hugs hugs and more hugs!!!!!!!!!!
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