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Author Topic: Just a couple funnies for the day! Enjoy!  (Read 5237 times)

Offline Karen W.

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« on: 23/10/2007 07:50:53 »
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?'

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'


______________________________________________________________________________________



The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'

________________________________________________________________________________________

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'

'Yes,' the class said.

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet ain't empty.'


 

Offline Karen W.

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« Reply #1 on: 23/10/2007 07:53:05 »
I love the last one!! LOL.. HEE HEE HEE! LOL!
 

Offline Nobody's Confidant

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« Reply #2 on: 23/10/2007 17:53:22 »
this is all over the intarweb but it never gets boring.
 

Offline Karen W.

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« Reply #3 on: 23/10/2007 18:52:29 »
Yes someone sent it to me, but those were the three I liked!
 

Offline Alandriel

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« Reply #4 on: 27/10/2007 21:43:16 »

Lateral thinking


Scroll down slowly and be honest to yourself. Think like a wizard .







man 
1. ------------   
board 





















 
Ans. = man overboard




Okay, let's see if you've got the hang of it.

 ;D




   stand 
2. ------------   
  i





































Ans. = I understand




OK . Got the drift ? Let's try a few now and see how you fare ?




3. /r/e/a/d/i/n/g/




































Ans. = reading between the lines






4.       r 
       road 
       a   
       d 


















































Ans. = cross road




Not having a good day now, are you ? Redeem yourself.




5.      cycle 
        cycle 
        cycle






























Ans. = tricycle


Not easy to figure out ha! 





















        0
6. ------------ 
       M.D.   
       Ph.D.
































Ans. = two degrees below zero


C'mon give it a little thought ! !




       knee 
7. ------------   
       light










































Ans. = neon light
 ( knee - on - light )




U can prove u r smart by getting this one.




   8.            ground 
               ---------------   
         feet feet feet feet feet feet



















































Ans. = six feet underground


Oh no, not again ! !




9.  he's X  himself




































Ans. = he's by himself


Now u messing up big time.




10. ecnalg



































Ans. = backward glance


 Not even close ! !




11. death ..... life

































Ans. = life after death


Okay last chance .................


12. THINK





































Ans. = think big ! !




And the last one is real fundoo - - -




13. ababaaabbbbaaaabbbbababaabbaaabbbb...



























Ans. =  long time no 'C'
(see)

   
 

Offline Karen W.

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« Reply #5 on: 27/10/2007 21:47:19 »
The only one I got was six feet underground!
 

Offline Alandriel

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« Reply #6 on: 29/10/2007 21:33:19 »
at least you got one......  ;) ;D


These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
 


ATTORNEY:     What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS:         Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY:     This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:         Yes.
ATTORNEY:     And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:         I forget.
ATTORNEY:     You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
  _____________________________________
 

ATTORNEY:     What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS:         He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY:     And why did that upset you?
WITNESS:         My name is Susan!
   ______________________________________
 

ATTORNEY:     Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS:         Did you actually pass the bar exam?
  ____________________________________
 

ATTORNEY:     The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS:         Uh, he's twenty-one.
   ________________________________________
 

ATTORNEY:     She had three children, right?
WITNESS:         Yes.
ATTORNEY:     How many were boys?
WITNESS:         None.
ATTORNEY:     Were there any girls?
WITNESS:         Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
 

ATTORNEY:     How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:         By death.
ATTORNEY:     And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:         Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
 

ATTORNEY:     Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:         He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY:     Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS:         Guess.
_____________________________________
 

ATTORNEY:     Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS:         No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
 

ATTORNEY:     Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS:         All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
_________________________________________________________________________
 

ATTORNEY:     Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS:         The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY:     And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:         No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
______________________________________
 

                           And the best for last:
 

ATTORNEY:     Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS:         No.
ATTORNEY:     Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:         No.
ATTORNEY:     Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:         No.
ATTORNEY:     So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS:         No.
ATTORNEY:     How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:         Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY:     I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS:        Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
 

Offline Carolyn

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« Reply #7 on: 29/10/2007 22:24:09 »
And those are exactly why I couldnt' finish my court reporting courses.  I couldn't keep a straight face! ;D
 

Offline DoctorBeaver

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« Reply #8 on: 29/10/2007 23:18:23 »
When I had the custody battle over my friend's kids, there was a moment like those.

The kids' mother's name was Mrs Albrecht. 1 of the barristers, when questioning her mother, asked "How long have you known Mrs Albrecht?"

During the same trial, I came out with a bit of classic lawyer-speak. I'd only come out of hospital the previous week having been seriously ill and almost not surviving. I should really have still been convalescing, but I had to represent myself in the case.

On 1 day during the trial I nearly passed out as I was questioning a witness. The judge adjourned for a few minutes to allow me to recover & then asked if I felt better. I replied, "M'lud, I shall endeavour not to expire until after court has risen"  :D
 

Offline Karen W.

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« Reply #9 on: 30/10/2007 16:46:33 »
at least you got one......  ;) ;D


These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
 


ATTORNEY:     What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS:         Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY:     This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:         Yes.
ATTORNEY:     And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:         I forget.
ATTORNEY:     You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
  _____________________________________
 

ATTORNEY:     What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS:         He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY:     And why did that upset you?
WITNESS:         My name is Susan!
   ______________________________________
 

ATTORNEY:     Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS:         Did you actually pass the bar exam?
  ____________________________________
 

ATTORNEY:     The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS:         Uh, he's twenty-one.
   ________________________________________
 

ATTORNEY:     She had three children, right?
WITNESS:         Yes.
ATTORNEY:     How many were boys?
WITNESS:         None.
ATTORNEY:     Were there any girls?
WITNESS:         Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
 

ATTORNEY:     How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:         By death.
ATTORNEY:     And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:         Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
 

ATTORNEY:     Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:         He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY:     Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS:         Guess.
_____________________________________
 

ATTORNEY:     Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS:         No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
 

ATTORNEY:     Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS:         All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
_________________________________________________________________________
 

ATTORNEY:     Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS:         The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY:     And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:         No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
______________________________________
 

                           And the best for last:
 

ATTORNEY:     Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS:         No.
ATTORNEY:     Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:         No.
ATTORNEY:     Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:         No.
ATTORNEY:     So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS:         No.
ATTORNEY:     How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:         Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY:     I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS:        Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


These are very good Alandreil!
 

Offline Alandriel

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« Reply #10 on: 30/10/2007 17:35:48 »
I replied, "M'lud, I shall endeavour not to expire until after court has risen"  :D

British sense of humour that ! ;D


Some definitions and observations:


∞ Mathematics is made of 50 percent formulas, 50 percent proofs, and 50 percent imagination.
 

∞ An engineer thinks that his equations are an approximation to reality. A physicist thinks reality is an approximation to his equations. A mathematician doesn't care. 


∞ Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions


∞I do not think -- therefore I am not.

Here is the illustration of this principle:
One evening Rene Descartes went to relax at a local tavern. The tender approached and said, "Ah, good evening Monsieur Descartes! Shall I serve you the usual drink?". Descartes replied, "I think not.", and promptly vanished. 


∞ A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. (Darwin)


∞ Classification of mathematical problems as linear and nonlinear is like classification of the Universe as bananas and non-bananas.


∞ Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives. 



[no offence to any resident mathematicians and other assorted scientists of course]
 ;D





 

Offline DoctorBeaver

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« Reply #11 on: 30/10/2007 23:21:09 »
 

Offline Bored chemist

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« Reply #12 on: 31/10/2007 20:44:39 »
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
 

Offline Alandriel

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« Reply #13 on: 31/10/2007 21:40:55 »
ohhhh...... ok then...... some chemistry ones  ;D


A physicist, biologist and a chemist were going to the ocean for the first time.

The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked into the ocean. Obviously he was drowned and never returned.

The biologist said he wanted to do research on the flora and fauna inside the ocean and walked inside the ocean. He too, never returned.

The chemist waited for a long time and afterwards, wrote the observation, "The physicist and the biologist are soluble in ocean water".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Chemical is a Substance that:

 ∞ An organic chemist turns into a foul odor.
 ∞ An analytical chemist turns into a procedure.
 ∞ A physical chemist turns into a straight line.
 ∞ A biochemist turns into a helix.
 ∞ A chemical engineer turns into a profit.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Classification of Chemistry

Physical Chemistry: The pitiful attempt to apply y=mx+b to everything in the universe. A physical chemist is a student who goes to university thinking he might want to be a physicist, but gets intimated by the math.

Organic Chemistry: The practice of transmuting vile substances into publications.

Inorganic Chemistry: That which is left over after the organic, analytical, and physical chemists get through picking over the periodic table.

Chemical Engineering: The practice of doing for a profit what an organic chemist only does for fun.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


You Might Be a Chemist if...


- you carry your lab safety goggles around with you at all times, just in case...

- you don't drink water, you drink H2O.

- you start disagreeing with movies and TV shows on scientific aspects.

- you carry a base solution around with you at all times, just in case one of those freak Hydrochloric acid spills happen.

- you become very agitated when people refer to air as Oxygen, and proceed to list all of the components of air.

- instead of writing ozone you write O3.

- you start referring to the smell of nail polish remover as an acetone smell.

- you no longer ask for Tylenol, you ask for acetaminophen.

- you actually enjoy going to Chemistry class.

- you think a mole is a unit of amount, rather than a small furry animal in your lawn.

- you pronounce unionized as "un-ion-ized", instead of "union-ized".

- you wash your hands before you go to the bathroom.

- you start explaining the condensation of water vapour every time your soda can has water drops and people think water is coming out of the can






Geologists are next




 

Offline Alandriel

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« Reply #14 on: 08/12/2007 17:56:35 »
About time I fulfill my promise.....


How do you recognize a geologist? By their bumper stickers of course  ;D


- Geology: where subduction always leads to orogeny!
- Shear Heaven
- Hit and Miss - Shear Bliss
- What a lode off my mind
- What the hell do we do now?
- Holy Schist, Batman...We made it!
- What a lode of fuchsite
- We Dig Mother Earth
- My Psychologist told me that every decline is a great Break Through
- I -WAS- working damit !!, I've been TUMBLING and MIMING, all day
- Geologists make the bed rock
- Cummingtonite?
- Geologists make the bed rock
- I am a down to "earth" person
- Follow me, I am looking for gold
- Lost a rock ? I will find it for you
- I can guess how old the earth is, but still an amateur in guessing the age of a women
- Wish the earth's inventor left the specs behind
- Geologist drill at home and at work
- Kiss a geologist: get your rocks off!
- Geologists know their plagioclase feldspar
- Geologists do it in the dirt
- Try a Geologist for a Volcanic Eruption
- Thank God! That light WASN'T a train
- Igneous is bliss
- My sediments exactly



Are you totally obsessed with geology?
If so, then you are a total immersion geologist. Here are some warning signs:


1) You judge a restaurant by the type of decorative building stone they use rather than their food.

2) You manage to turn any conversation into a discussion of geology, as in:
    "What did you think of that Superbowl game last night?"
    "I must have missed that conference. Who sponsored it? Geological Society of America?"

3) The only thing you notice about attractive members of the opposite sex is the stone in their jewelry.

4) You refuse to let nightfall stop your field excursions and continue looking at the outcrops using the headlights of your field vehicle.

5) You like rock music only because it's called "rock" music.

6) You will try to claw through the water flowing in a stream to get a better look at the bedrock at the base of the channel.

7) You will walk across eight lanes of freeway traffic to see if the outcrop on the other side of the highway is the same type of rock as the side you're parked on.


Gotto love 'em dedicated geologists  ;D

 









 

Offline Bored chemist

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« Reply #15 on: 08/12/2007 21:48:23 »
Mathematical joke
Q What's purple and commutes?
A An Abelian grape.
 

Offline Alandriel

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« Reply #16 on: 10/12/2007 14:01:31 »
Now this is interesting bored chemist.

I actally tried looking that one up  [B)] as abelian grape means gobbeldigoock to me.

It appears that I'm not the only one that is genuinly baffled.

Quote from:  from an anonymous webpage
there is this math joke:

q: "what's purple and commutes?"
a: "an abelian grape."

math geeks explain that abelian sets have the commutative property and grapes are purple, ergo humor.  armed with this "joke", which i didn't completely understand, i set out to entertain the overeducated.  turns out that most math geeks had already heard that one, and the best i could get out of them was a polite chuckle.  my friend richard was from sweden and studying math at mit.  he seemed like a good candidate.

me:      "what's purple and commutes?"
richard: "i don't know."
me:      "an abelian grape."
richard: "um… what's a grape?"
me:      "a small purple fruit."
richard: *laughs* - "that's funny!"

richard was later overhead delivering the punch line to a friend, "an abelian fig! …get it!"



I'm of course still none the wiser but hope that abelian figs has made someone chuckle  ;D






~~~~~~~~~~


Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN  JAPAN)   for 6am. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet(MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) filled it with GAS from Saudi Arabia and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer (Made In Malaysia)(with tech support in INDIA), Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE!!) and turned on his TV(MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in.. AMERICA.....

(also applies for the rest of the western world)


 
« Last Edit: 10/12/2007 14:03:15 by Alandriel »
 

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