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Author Topic: A Message From The Queen  (Read 5103 times)

Offline JimBob

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A Message From The Queen
« on: 01/11/2008 00:01:31 »

A Message From The Queen



Surely this is Copyright but I don't know by whom.

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
 
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it 

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour', 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

8. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i. e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.


God Save the Queen!


 

Offline DoctorBeaver

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A Message From The Queen
« Reply #1 on: 01/11/2008 03:53:55 »
Go, Queen, GO!
 

Offline neilep

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A Message From The Queen
« Reply #2 on: 01/11/2008 11:13:50 »
Gawwd Bless You Mary Poppins erhmm....Queen !!
 

Offline rosalind dna

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A Message From The Queen
« Reply #3 on: 01/11/2008 12:44:03 »
go on Britain !!!!!!!!!!!!!
At least we don't have a year to decide our new candidates for PM.
 

Offline Bored chemist

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« Reply #4 on: 01/11/2008 17:08:18 »
Then a Month while the lawyrers decide who won.
 

blakestyger

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A Message From The Queen
« Reply #5 on: 01/11/2008 20:16:14 »
go on Britain !!!!!!!!!!!!!
At least we don't have a year to decide our new candidates for PM.

Perhaps we should - look what happened the last two occasions!
 

Offline RD

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A Message From The Queen
« Reply #6 on: 01/11/2008 22:51:08 »
.

                   Check out ones bling.
 

Offline neilep

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A Message From The Queen
« Reply #7 on: 02/11/2008 01:39:47 »
.

                   Check out ones bling.



Yo Queen !

Wassssssssup ?

Ewe is needing some precious metal and some shiny stones on ones finger Mam !!

I iz your geeza for dis...I fess up Queen !!..I dig your style...we make you a quality ring Queen !...Yo !!

Big it up !!
 

Offline RD

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Offline DoctorBeaver

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Offline Make it Lady

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A Message From The Queen
« Reply #10 on: 02/11/2008 19:24:36 »
I wonder if the Queen ever sings here own national anthem? God save the gracious me, Long live the noble me.
 

Offline DoctorBeaver

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A Message From The Queen
« Reply #11 on: 02/11/2008 19:51:26 »
God save one, Long live one  ;D
 

Offline Make it Lady

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A Message From The Queen
« Reply #12 on: 02/11/2008 20:25:23 »
You are a one!
 

blakestyger

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A Message From The Queen
« Reply #13 on: 03/11/2008 12:06:28 »
When Philip sings the National Anthem he substitutes 'trout' for Queen.
 

Offline Don_1

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A Message From The Queen
« Reply #14 on: 03/11/2008 20:47:31 »
Stop playing silly buggers with pics of Her Maj

Now you've been told, so run along and play with those wooden kegs in the basement of the Houses of Parliament.

Chop,chop now, off you jolly well go.

What's that sonny? you say it's dark down there? Here take these matches so you can see the barrels better.
 

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A Message From The Queen
« Reply #14 on: 03/11/2008 20:47:31 »

 

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