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Author Topic: Money worries  (Read 5342 times)

Offline Solvay_1927

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Money worries
« on: 07/10/2005 02:02:20 »
I've got money worries at the moment.

The doorbell rang today. My youngest kid answered it and then came into the kitchen to tell me "it's a man with a bill".

So I approached the front door with some trepidation.

You can imagine my relief when I got to the door and saw that it wasn't actually a man with a bill.  It was just a big duck wearing a hat.


1.618033989 - everyone's favourite number!


 

Offline ukmicky

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Re: Money worries
« Reply #1 on: 07/10/2005 02:28:49 »
ha ha VERY FUNNY:)
---------

I stole this

A man knocks at a blocks door at 3 am in the morning, the bloke asks what do you want.

i want a push he replies, the bloke tells him to piss off and goes back to bed.

his wife lying next to him says, if you broke down you'd want someone to give you a push.

get your clothes on and help him.

He does what his wife says and go down to the front door.

leaning out into the darkness he shouts where are you to the man.

the man replies over here on the swing

Michael                                      
« Last Edit: 07/10/2005 02:31:19 by ukmicky »
 

Offline Solvay_1927

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Re: Money worries
« Reply #2 on: 07/10/2005 13:42:30 »
I like it, I like it.

Incidentally, I've just been out shopping for a pair of camouflage trousers. I couldn't find any though.



"The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse who gets the cheese."
 

Offline ukmicky

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Re: Money worries
« Reply #3 on: 12/10/2005 00:17:35 »
ALZHEIMERS' EYE TEST

Count every " F " in the following text:

 

 

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...
(SEE BELOW)




























did you count 3



try it again COZ THERE'S SIX

SOME PEOPLE CAN ONLY SEE 3 AT FIRST

Michael                                      
« Last Edit: 12/10/2005 02:14:52 by ukmicky »
 

Offline ukmicky

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Re: Money worries
« Reply #4 on: 12/10/2005 00:37:58 »

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she
would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." "Then ask your sister
if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask
your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back
and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could
really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great
University!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I
would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?! "

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you
know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially
and realistically?"

The boy replied," Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on Three
Million Dollars.............. but Realistically,......... we're living
with two Sluts and a Queer.....



Michael                                      
 

Offline NLJB

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Re: Money worries
« Reply #5 on: 12/10/2005 02:20:29 »
HAHAHAHA That's a good one!!!!!!

-wink |wi ng k| verb [ intrans. ] close and open one eye quickly, typically to indicate that something is a joke or a secret or as a signal of affection or greeting : he winked at Nicole as he passed. ( wink at) pretend not to notice (something bad or illegal) : the authorities winked at their illegal trade. (of a bright object or a light) shine or flash intermittently. noun an act of closing and opening one eye quickly, typically as a signal : Barney gave him a knowing wink- THE DICTIONARY
 

Offline ukmicky

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Re: Money worries
« Reply #6 on: 25/10/2005 03:50:28 »
Men do remember anniversaries

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in
their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches

as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee.

"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating, and you were
only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember
when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
him.
The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in
my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to
jail for twenty years?"

"I remember that, too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have been out
today.


Michael                                      
 

Offline ukmicky

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Re: Money worries
« Reply #7 on: 25/10/2005 03:56:45 »
men and women

>1. A man will pay 2 for a 1 item he wants. A woman will pay 1 for a
2 item that she doesn't want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man
never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a
little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to
understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot
more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes-there's no use in two
people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow
deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A
man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.:D:D:D


Michael                                      
 

Offline Solvay_1927

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Re: Money worries
« Reply #8 on: 28/10/2005 01:28:22 »
In keeping with the varied nature of postings on this topic, here's something different:

QANTAS SQUAWKS
Below are some actual maintenance complaints, generally known as "squawks", submitted by Qantas pilots to maintenance engineers.  After attending to the squawks prior to the aircraft's next flight, the maintenance crews are required to log the details of action taken as a solution to the pilot's squawks.
The following are some recent squawks and subsequent responses by maintenance crews.  (P) is the problem logged by the pilot, and (S) marks the solution and action taken by maintenance engineers.

(P) Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

(P) #2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(S) #2 propeller seepage normal - #1, #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.

(P) Something loose in cockpit.
(S) Something tightened in cockpit.

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
(S) Volume set to more believable level.

(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(S) Live bugs on order.

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
(S) That's what they're there for!

(P) Number three engine missing.
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.

(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious!

(P) Target Radar hums.
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words.


"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."
 

Offline ukmicky

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Re: Money worries
« Reply #9 on: 28/10/2005 03:13:34 »
(p)
   (s) In other words don't fly with QANTAS

Michael                                      
« Last Edit: 28/10/2005 03:15:29 by ukmicky »
 

Offline Solvay_1927

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Re: Money worries
« Reply #10 on: 28/10/2005 12:58:53 »
But Qantas still have the best safety record of any airline in the world, don't they?  (Any aussies out there who can confirm this?)

And maybe that's down to good old aussie straight-talking - they don't make mistakes because they say what they mean and they don't defer to authority - if the pilot isn't clear about his concerns, the engineer tells him he's talking bull.

The only hesitation I'd have about flying with Qantas is that horrible aussie accent ... [:p]

"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."
 

Offline ukmicky

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Re: Money worries
« Reply #11 on: 03/12/2005 00:50:58 »
I shouldn't but
Did you know that the people in Vietnam don't really do much for christmas and are not known for hanging christmas decorations,however this year there all getting excited and are hoping to hang glitter.






Michael                                      
 

Offline DoctorBeaver

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Re: Money worries
« Reply #12 on: 03/12/2005 01:27:14 »
Micky - Go to your room! [:(!]
 

Offline ukmicky

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Re: Money worries
« Reply #13 on: 03/12/2005 02:40:29 »
A man parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a truck comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before speeding off.

More than a little distraught, he grabs his mobile and calls the police. Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically:

"My Porsche, my beautiful black Porsche is ruined. No matter how long at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!"
After he finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust: "I can't believe how materialistic you are," he says. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life."

"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?", snaps the man.

The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you?"

The man looks down in absolute horror "F***ING HELL!!!!!! he screams........








"Where's my Rolex ????..."



Michael                                      
 

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Re: Money worries
« Reply #13 on: 03/12/2005 02:40:29 »

 

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