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Author Topic: Joke of the day  (Read 108261 times)

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #100 on: 30/05/2010 10:01:36 »
At a bar Neilep said to BenV;

John Chapman tried to make a new kind of car. He took wheels from a Cadillac, radiator from a Lexus, tires from a Ford”

“What did he get? Asked BenV

“Two years.” Said Neilep :D :D :D


 

Offline Karen W.

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #101 on: 30/05/2010 10:43:26 »
A Nun goes up to a Priest and asks him, "Father, how do you make Holy water?"

The priest looked at her and replied, "You shake the h ell out of it!" :-)
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #102 on: 31/05/2010 11:56:17 »
RD asked Geezer “What happened to John chapman’s boat?”

“Ever notice that big rock at the entrance to the Golden Gate?” said Geezer.

“Yes, I have” replied RD.

“Well, he didn’t” said Geezer. :D :D :D



 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #103 on: 01/06/2010 17:55:10 »
A schoolteacher was trying to teach her six-year old class students how to say the pledge of allegiance to the flag. The schoolteacher said, O.K. children begin by putting your hand over your little heart and repeat with me, I pledge allegiance to the HOLD IT! HOLD IT! Johnny, why is your hand over your butt cheek instead of your heart? Johnny relied! I can’t. Teacher asks, why not? Well you see, when my aunt comes over to pick me up and pats my bottom and says, BLESS YOUR LITTLE HEART!!!!!! :D :D :D
 

Offline Pedrina19

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #104 on: 09/06/2010 05:29:58 »
Nice jokes, i wish i knew good jokes like yours
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #105 on: 10/06/2010 14:24:20 »
On a visit to Chicago, a woman was eager to visit a posh department store a few blocks from her hotel. Her husband agreeably hailed a cab. “The lady wants to go to Neiman Marcus,” he told the driver.
The cabby looked over his shoulder at them. “And the gentleman?” he asked. “Does he want to go to the bank?” :D :D :D



 

Offline SeanB

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #106 on: 10/06/2010 19:21:10 »
Or more likely to the poorhouse!
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #107 on: 11/06/2010 18:34:07 »
The humble little accountant had his suspicion. One day he left the office early and, sure enough, at home he found a strange hat and umbrella in the hallway and sitting in the living room in the arms of another man was his wife. Wild for revenge, the husband picked up the man’s umbrella and snapped it in two across his knee.
“There!” he said. “Now I hope it rains!” :D :D :D
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #108 on: 12/06/2010 19:07:59 »
John Chapman watching a Tarzan movie rushed out of the hall the moment a tiger appeared on screen, advancing menacingly towards the audience.
Neilep trying to stop him argued that it's only a movie, to which the John Chapman replied: “I know it’s a movie, you also know it is, but does the tiger know"? :D :D :D




 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #109 on: 13/06/2010 09:06:49 »
A man gave the waiter his order, "Black coffee, no cream"
The waiter came back and apologized, "I'm sorry, we're out of cream. Would you take your coffee without milk?" :D :D :D



 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #110 on: 15/06/2010 07:26:40 »
A cannibal chief invited over another cannibal chief from a different tribe over for dinner. They sit down and eat the best meat. After dinner, the visiting cannibal chief said, "Wow that was good! Your wife makes the best meat." Then the other cannibal chief said, "Yeah, I'm gonna miss her..." :D :D :D



 

Offline peppercorn

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #111 on: 15/06/2010 10:02:30 »
LOL! On fire lately with the jokes, Omid!
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #112 on: 16/06/2010 07:58:29 »
It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers." "That's right!" the boy said, "But, how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said. The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher. The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner. The teacher held he package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!" SURPRISE! :D :D :D

 

Offline Geezer

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #113 on: 16/06/2010 19:44:20 »
A cannibal chief invited over another cannibal chief from a different tribe over for dinner. They sit down and eat the best meat. After dinner, the visiting cannibal chief said, "Wow that was good! Your wife makes the best meat." Then the other cannibal chief said, "Yeah, I'm gonna miss her..." :D :D :D


OR

Child:  Mummy! Mummy! Mummy! I hate Daddy's guts!

Mother:  Shut up, and eat what's given to you.
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #114 on: 17/06/2010 07:52:33 »
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached
a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement
over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain
speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los
Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY G-D!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought
me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!" :D :D :D 

 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #115 on: 18/06/2010 13:36:13 »
Before going to Europe on business, John Chapman drives his Rolls-Royce to a downtown London's City bank and asks for an immediate loan of £5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requests collateral. "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," John Chapman says. The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping and gives John Chapman £5,000. Two weeks later, John Chapman walks through the bank's doors and asks to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be £5,000 in principal, and £15.40 in interest," the loan officer says. John Chapman writes out a check and starts to walk away. "Wait, sir," the loan officer says. "You are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow £5,000?" John Chapman smiles, "Where else could I find a safer place to park my Rolls-Royce in London for two weeks and pay only £15.40?" :D :D :D
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #116 on: 20/06/2010 10:49:43 »
Neilep, John Chapman, BenV and BORED Chemist were four of the high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.
Much to their relief she smiled and said: "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."
Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said:
"First Question: Which tire was flat?" :D :D :D



 

Offline Bored chemist

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #117 on: 21/06/2010 07:14:09 »
"Front left", Miss.
oh, sorry, did you want us to write that down?
 

Offline Mark Lehman

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #118 on: 21/06/2010 09:28:06 »
Santa came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife, Jeeto, with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.

"Was it my friend Banta", he demanded.

"No !" his weeping wife replied.

"Was it my friend Ramta then?" he asked.

"No !!!" she said even more upset.

"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.

"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" Jeeto snapped :D

hello guys,

Its Really funny.

Mark.
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #119 on: 21/06/2010 17:25:51 »
"Front left", Miss.
oh, sorry, did you want us to write that down?

NOT bad BORED chemist :D

teacher impressed!!!!!!!!!!! :)
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #120 on: 21/06/2010 17:31:10 »
John Chapman was teaching Geezer's girlfriend arithmetic, he said it was his mission. He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, "Now that's addition." In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, "Now that's subtraction." Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation. And both together smiled and said, "That's multiplication." Then Geezer appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision. He kicked John Chapman three blocks away and said, "That's long division!" :D :D :D


 

Offline Geezer

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #121 on: 22/06/2010 03:45:11 »
Message from the Legal Department:

As it is well known that Geezer is in a state of matrimonial bliss, therefore we request that any future references to "Geezer's girlfriend" should be phrased as;

"Hypothetically speaking, if we assume that Geezer has a girlfriend (strictly for the purposes of this joke) which by signing, the undersigned accept that they will permanently abjure from all allusions to, and implications that, said Geezer actually has a girlfriend"

We trust that you will kindly comply with this request.
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #122 on: 22/06/2010 12:52:04 »
RD and John Chapman were walking down the street, suddenly RD shouts

"OMG!!! a dead bird!!!"

John Chapman looks up in the air and says

"where???  where???" :D :D :D
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #123 on: 23/06/2010 17:55:51 »
John received a free ticket to the Super Bowl. Unfortunately. John's seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the stadium. He noticed an empty seat 10 rows up from the 50-yard line. He decides to make his way to the empty seat. As he sits down he asks the man next to him if anyone is sitting there. The man told him no, it was empty. John is very excited to have a seat like this at a Super Bowl and asks why in the world no one is using it? The man replied that it was his wife's seat but she passed away. He said this was the first Super Bowl that they have not attended together since they were married in 1968. John said that it was really sad and asked if he couldn't find someone, a relative or a close friend to take the seat?

"No" replied the man, "They're at her funeral!" :D :D :D




 

Offline SeanB

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #124 on: 23/06/2010 19:25:19 »
Well the vow was until.............


 

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #124 on: 23/06/2010 19:25:19 »

 

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