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Author Topic: Joke of the day  (Read 107985 times)

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #125 on: 25/06/2010 18:02:45 »
once upon a time when John chapman was a machanic............... [:o)] [:o)] [:o)]



John Chapman was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon BenV in his shop.
BenV was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
John Chapman shouted across the garage, "Hey, SeanB, can I ask you a question?"

BenV a bit surprised, walked over to him working on the motorcycle. John Chapman straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So BenV, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

BenV paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to John Chapman...

"Try doing it with the engine running." ;) ;) ;)
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #126 on: 26/06/2010 14:00:14 »
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh! We’ll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theater arts.
He communicates really well, and I just act like I'm listening." :D :D :D


 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #127 on: 27/06/2010 09:37:03 »
BORED Chemist met Neilep at the railroad station. “Neilep, I’m mighty glad to see you, he greeted. “That crate of chickens you sent me bust open just as I was going to take them out and they ran all over the place. I chase them through my neighbour’s yard and only got back eleven.” “You did okay,” said Neilep. “I only sent you six.” :D :D :D



 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #128 on: 29/06/2010 10:10:24 »
While presenting the weather forecast BenV said, expect 10 to 12 inches of snow tonight so park on the right side of the road so we can plow the left side. BORED Chemist ran out and parked on the right side. The next week BenV called for another 10 to 12 inches of snow, but this time he said park on the left side. So BORED Chemist ran out and parked the car on the left side of the road. The following week BenV said 16 inches of snow expected park, the lights went out and all our power was lost. BORED Chemist said, my goodness, now I don’t know where to park the car. “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage!” said his wife. :D :D :D



 

Offline SeanB

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #129 on: 29/06/2010 17:59:30 »
BenV went out jogging one evening, and wore light clothing as he had heard that light coloured clothes are very visible at night. He was run over by Omid, in her part time job as a snowplough operator.
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #130 on: 30/06/2010 12:52:37 »
SeanB, the millionaire, was arrested for speeding and brought before the judge in a small community. When the judge offered him the alternative of paying a $10 fine or serving ten days in jail
SeanB decided to take the ten days. “But, my good man, you are wealthy,” said the judge, amazement ringing his face. “Why you should prefer ten days in jail to paying a $10 fine is beyond me.” “It’s like this, Judge,” SeanB explained.
“Our chef left and my wife figures it’ll take that long to find a new one.” :D :D :D


 

Offline Bored chemist

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #131 on: 30/06/2010 19:55:04 »
If I had a car then my wife could tell me where to park it, if I had a wife.
 

Offline SeanB

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #132 on: 30/06/2010 21:03:41 »
I am a millionaire, just in Zimbabwe dollars. I gave away $ 10 million, and still was worth the same, although it is really hard to get more Zimdollars, as the Zim government has given in and started to use US dollars and SA Rands as the OFFICIAL currency. Cheaper than printing your own notes, as the paper was worth considerably more than the notes, even for the $100 trillion notes. A bad thing when noone robs banks, as the money weighs too much, plus you will need a truck and trailer to move it. You saw street peddlers with the money piled in bundles next to them, they guarded the goods as they were worth more.

Rather like the Weimar republic, where you went with the money in a wheelbarrow, and came home with the groceries in your pocket.

 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #133 on: 01/07/2010 09:08:52 »
my wife could tell me where to park it, if I had a wife.

BORED Chemisttttttttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!! [:0] [:0] [:0]

omid gona tell your wife about what you posted for her [xx(] [xx(] [xx(]

I am a millionaire, just in Zimbabwe dollars. I gave away $ 10 million, and still was worth the same, although it is really hard to get more Zimdollars, as the Zim government has given in and started to use US dollars and SA Rands as the OFFICIAL currency. Cheaper than printing your own notes, as the paper was worth considerably more than the notes, even for the $100 trillion notes. A bad thing when noone robs banks, as the money weighs too much, plus you will need a truck and trailer to move it. You saw street peddlers with the money piled in bundles next to them, they guarded the goods as they were worth more.

Rather like the Weimar republic, where you went with the money in a wheelbarrow, and came home with the groceries in your pocket.

Omid didn't get even a word of the above :-\ :-\ :-\
« Last Edit: 01/07/2010 14:44:24 by omid »
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #134 on: 01/07/2010 09:12:05 »
I’m going to buy a farm two miles long and half inch wide said BORED Chemist.

What, would you grow on a farm that size, asked SeanB.

Spaghetti, said BORED Chemist. :D :D :D



 

Offline SeanB

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #135 on: 01/07/2010 18:58:36 »
Omid, have a google for Weimar republic and Hyperinflation, you will become enlightened. As well afraid, horrified and thankful, all at the same time.

 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #136 on: 03/07/2010 13:01:56 »
Omid, have a google for Weimar republic and Hyperinflation, you will become enlightened. As well afraid, horrified and thankful, all at the same time.

OK! omid would :)
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #137 on: 03/07/2010 13:10:07 »
BORED Chemist, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over BORED Chemist's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies RD and SeanB at the club are aghast. At the very first chance, RD & SeanB corner him and ask, 'BORED Chemist, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' BORED Chemist replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' RD & SeanB are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', BORED Chemsit replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?' BORED Chemist smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.' :D :D :D



 

Offline SeanB

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #138 on: 03/07/2010 20:08:08 »
Top post now in forum is appropriately about gold............

And diggers
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #139 on: 04/07/2010 13:13:31 »
BenV was invited to BORED Chemist’s house for dinner. He found that BORED Chemist called his wife every cute name in the book: honey, darling, sweetheart, pumpkin, and baby.
When she was in the kitchen, BenV leaned over to BORED Chemist and said, “I think it’s nice you still call your wife all those pet names.” “To tell you the truth,” BORED Chemist said, “I forgot her name abut three years ago.” :D :D :D



 

Offline SeanB

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #140 on: 04/07/2010 14:26:35 »
I have the same problem with names. Was embarrassing calling out **not** her name at the most inappropriate moment.
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #141 on: 05/07/2010 16:17:11 »
Two classmates were chatting in their lunch break...
"I know how to get money real quick" says one,” how?"
"go to your dad and say, "I know the truth" and he'll give you money"
So the young boy went home and said "dad, I know the truth" and
his dad gave him ten dollars and told him not to tell anyone 'the truth'.
He then went to his mother, " Mom, I know the truth” he said.
"Please don't tell your dad" she said and gave him twenty dollars.
Content with thirty dollars he went outside to go to the arcade and saw the milkman. "I know the truth,” he shouted out.
The milkman replied "Well come and hug your real father then" :D :D :D


 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #142 on: 06/07/2010 10:09:49 »
Seven-year-old John chapman had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school.
Two days later his teacher BenV phone his Father SeanB to tell him that John chapman was misbehaving.
"Wait a minute," said SeanB. "I had John chapman here for two months and I never called you once when he misbehaved." :D :D :D



 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #143 on: 07/07/2010 17:47:49 »
A RD bought an expensive piece of jewelry as a present for his girlfriend. “Don’t you want her name engraved on it?” asked SeanB.
RD thought for a moment, and then, ever the realistic, steadfastly replied, “No, just engrave it: To My One and Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again.” :D :D :D


 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #144 on: 09/07/2010 11:56:57 »
Once upon a time Neilpe was a rich man who was approached by a poor beggar named John Chapman asking for food.
Neilep asked, "Do you smoke? I could give you some cigarettes."
John Chapman responded, "No, I don't. I am just hungry and want food."
Then Neilep asked, "Do you drink? I have a bottle of good whiskey I could give you."
John Chapman replied, "No, I don't drink. I am just hungry and need food."
Finally Neilep asked, "Do you gamble? I could give you some good tips on the races this weekend."
John Chapman again replied, "No. I am just hungry and want some food."
Finally Neilep said, "Well, in that case, I had better take you to my home."
He invited John Chapman into his car and drove him to his very substantial home. There, he introduced John Chapman to his wife, who asked, "What are you going to do with this man? Are you going to invite him to live with us, eat our food, and wear our clothes?"
Neilep replied, "No, of course not. I just wanted to show you what happens to a man who doesn't smoke, drink or gamble." :D :D :D


 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #145 on: 10/07/2010 12:29:57 »
Selling at an auction was halted when the BenV the auctioneer announced, “Geezer in the room has lost his wallet containing $2,000. He is offering a reward of $500.00 for its immediate return.” After a moment of silence, there was a call from BORED Chemist in the room, “$550.00” :D :D :D


 
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #146 on: 11/07/2010 14:15:53 »
At a fancy reception Peppercorn was asked by a widow to guess her age. "You must have some idea," she urged as Peppercorn hesitated. "I have several ideas," he admitted with a smile, "the trouble is that I don't know whether to make it ten years younger because of your looks or ten years older because of your intelligence." :D :D :D


 

Offline peppercorn

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #147 on: 11/07/2010 14:44:27 »
At a fancy reception Peppercorn was asked by a widow to guess her age. "You must have some idea," she urged as Peppercorn hesitated. "I have several ideas," he admitted with a smile, "the trouble is that I don't know whether to make it ten years younger because of your looks or ten years older because of your intelligence." :D :D :D

What a smooth operator this Peppercorn guy sounds! He's obviously no relation of mine ;) .... :D
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #148 on: 12/07/2010 11:56:21 »
SeanB went to visit RD and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. SeanB watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

"Nah, he's not so smart," RD replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five." :D

 

Offline peppercorn

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #149 on: 12/07/2010 12:08:46 »
One day Omid drove by a farm and saw a three-legged pig. Omid went up to the farmer and said, "Excuse me sir, but why does that pig only have 3 legs?"

"Well," said the farmer, "that there pig is very special. One time my wife was cooking something she stepped out of the kitchen and it caught on fire. No one in the house knew about it but the pig and he saved me, my wife, and my 2 kids."

"That's amazing sir but why does that pig only have three legs?" said Omid.

"Then there was that time the pig saw a big storm coming and we didn't. The pig ran into the house and dragged us out to the storm cellar. If it weren't for that pig we would all be dead."

"But still, that doesn't explain why the pig only has 3 legs.", Omid exclaimed. "And I remember the time my youngest son was stuck up in a tree but I was too far away to hear him scream. The pig came running towards me and led me to where he was."

"Well, that is miracle, but how come that pig only has 3 legs?" Omid said, quite annoyed at this point.


"Well," said the farmer, "with a pig that special... you don't eat it all at once!!."   :D :D :D
 

The Naked Scientists Forum

Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #149 on: 12/07/2010 12:08:46 »

 

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