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Author Topic: Joke of the day  (Read 108000 times)

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #200 on: 06/08/2010 10:56:15 »
JimBob had thrown a dinner party, at which raw oysters, curried lamb, and steamed mussels were all served, met her Doctor BORED Chemist on the street the following day. “I’m sorry you weren’t able to come to my party last night,” JimBob said. “You are so busy these days, and I think it would have done you some good to have been there.”
“Your party has done me good,” said  BORED Chemist. “I’ve just seen five of your dinner guests.” :D :D :D



« Last Edit: 06/08/2010 11:23:54 by omid »
 

Offline peppercorn

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #201 on: 06/08/2010 14:53:20 »
JimBob ... met her Doctor BORED Chemist on the street the following day.:D :D :D

What's this JimBob's not telling us?  [:X]  .....  :o
 

Offline SeanB

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #202 on: 06/08/2010 20:35:40 »
Remember for a night out it is first a romantic candlelit dinner, then a show, not a sushi bar, then a trip to the ER with Fugu.

I knew a guy who took a pill because he was, how you might say, all stopped up. First pill did nothing, so he took another 15 minutes later, and a further 2 after half an hour. After 2 hours he no longer had the bottom drop out of his world, more like the world dropping out his bottom. Who would ( unless you read the instructions on the bottle) guess a single pill would work, after 3 hours, and not to take more for 24 hours.

At least he could say that he was, so to say, firmly attached to his new room, the one with no view, and a comfortable seat.
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #203 on: 08/08/2010 18:26:33 »
BenV handed out a coloring page to his class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella. BenV told his class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green, however, Peppercorn colored the duck in a bright fire truck red. After seeing this, BenV asked him: "Peppercorn, how many times have you seen a red duck?" Young Peppercorn replied with "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella." :D :D :D


« Last Edit: 08/08/2010 18:29:36 by omid »
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #204 on: 09/08/2010 10:19:01 »
BenV was driving when a policeman SeanB pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to SeanB,
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"
BenV thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license." Variola sitting in the passenger seat said to SeanB, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smart but when he's drunk and stoned." JimBob from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and in a muffled voice said Demografx , "Are we over the border yet?" :D :D :D



 

Offline SeanB

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #205 on: 09/08/2010 19:41:29 »
Ello, Ello, what's going on here?

Nothing Oroficcer, just walking my pet crayfish. I was about to let him off his leash to go for a swim ( undoes string and places crayfish in water)

Well, he has had his swim, call him back!

Orroficcer, what crayfish are you talking about?



 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #206 on: 12/08/2010 18:52:19 »
JimBob and BORED chemist along their wives were enjoying friendly conversation when JimBob asked ,” BORED Chemist, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," BORED Chemist replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great." "That's great!said JimBob And what was the name of the clinic?" BORED Chemist went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?" replied JimBob
"Yes, that's it!" BORED Chemist turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?" :D :D :D

 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #207 on: 13/08/2010 16:02:27 »
Variola sadly tells her husband: We will not be together in heaven as we may die at different times my dear.
After a pause her husband replied; my dear that is why the place is known as 'Heaven'. :D :D :D






 

Offline SeanB

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #208 on: 13/08/2010 21:15:35 »
Demografix asked Jimbob for the definition of happiness.

Jimbob replied: Happiness is your wife goes to the mall to do shopping, and you do not go with.

Demografix asked : Why is that so?

Jimbob replied: She went and left all the cash and credit cards at home by accident, and I am leaving for a 2 day work function on the other side of the country now along with the cards, leaving $100 behind for emergencies.

 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #209 on: 14/08/2010 11:18:59 »
JimBob walked up to his father SeanB and stared at his hair. As SeanB scrubbed on the dishes, JimBob cleared his throat and sweetly asked; "Why do you have some grey strands in your hair?"
SeanB paused and looked at his son. "Every time you disobey, I get one strand of grey hair. If you want me to stay handsome, you better obey."
SeanB quickly returned to his task of washing dishes. JimBob stood there thinking. He cleared his throat again. "Father?" he sweetly asked again.
"Yes?" SeanB replied. "Why is Grandad's hair all grey?" :D :D :D




 

Offline demografx

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #210 on: 14/08/2010 20:22:30 »


Demografx asked Jimbob for the definition of happiness.


Oh c'mon, Sean, you know that I always consult experts on such matters!  ;D
 

Offline demografx

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #211 on: 14/08/2010 20:24:34 »


Variola sadly tells her husband: We will not be together in heaven as we may die at different times my dear.
After a pause her husband replied; my dear that is why the place is known as 'Heaven'. :D :D :D


 ;D ;D ;D
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #212 on: 15/08/2010 13:47:01 »
Peppercorn enters his local bar holding a frog and an iguana. He sets them down on the bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1000 that my frog here can sing any song you can think of." "Ok," says the bartender. "How 'bout 'Blue Moon'?" Peppercorn whispers something to the frog, and the frog starts singing blue moon. "That's amazing," says the bartender as he slaps down $1000. "I'll bet ya another $1000 that my iguana here can do that to." "Ok, I can believe a frog, but not an iguana. You're on. Have him sing the Star Spangled Banner." Peppercorn whispers something to the iguana and it sings the Star Spangled Banner. As the bartender hands over another $1000, BORED Chemist comes up and says, "I just saw that and I was amazed. I want to buy your iguana for $100,000." Peppercorn said ok, and he exchanged the iguana for the money and BORED Chemist left. The bartender said "What are you nuts?! You could have made millions with that iguana!" Peppercorn said "Oh, the iguana can't sing. The frog's a ventriloquist." :D :D :D



 

Offline JimBob

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #213 on: 15/08/2010 16:52:47 »
Why Omid does not go the LAUNDROMAT -

There is a sign above the washing machines that says "Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out."



(Don't do everything you are told to do.)
 

Offline SeanB

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #214 on: 15/08/2010 19:41:34 »
Demo, you must remember that if you are looking for an expert, you must stop looking at that mirror in the budgie cage and ask the birdie to open the door for you.....
 

Offline demografx

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #215 on: 15/08/2010 20:28:30 »

I'll remember that.
 

Offline SeanB

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #216 on: 15/08/2010 20:59:57 »
When you go to a holiday in Spain, remember that the bull almost never wins the bullfight.

On a holiday in Spain, the tourist was at the hotel, and had this marvelous meal one night. On asking , he was told that it is made from the losing bull at that day's fight.

A week later he orders the same meal, and is very disappointed, the meat is poor quality, has a bad taste and poor texture. On asking the waiter says: " The bull does not always lose the fight".

 

Offline JimBob

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #217 on: 18/08/2010 00:00:42 »
Since omid is gone for a while, lets take turns posting to this thread.

Here is an offering for today.
___________________________________________

On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man wearing a Green Bay Packer jersey was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.

As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing Minnesota Viking jerseys. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious Packer Backer from the water, Then, using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was bitter hatred between Green Bay Packers & Vikings fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true." As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "who was that"?

"It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know anything about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up O.K., or do we need to get another one"?
 

Offline JimBob

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #218 on: 18/08/2010 22:33:11 »
Geezer walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. I've just quit drinking!"
 

Offline Geezer

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #219 on: 18/08/2010 23:19:55 »
Geezer walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. I've just quit drinking!"

Yes, but Geezer ain't Irish, at all, at all.
 

Offline demografx

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #220 on: 19/08/2010 02:09:36 »

Geezer walks into a bar in Dublin


How could he without ID???

 

Offline JimBob

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #221 on: 19/08/2010 02:56:56 »
Geezer walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. I've just quit drinking!"

Yes, but Geezer ain't Irish, at all, at all.

Celtic is Celtic.


And in Ireland EVERYONE drinks.
 

Offline demografx

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #222 on: 19/08/2010 18:00:39 »


And in Ireland EVERYONE drinks.


My Irish friends love this one:

What's the difference between an Irish funeral and an Irish party?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

One less drunk.
 

Offline JimBob

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #223 on: 19/08/2010 19:39:50 »
Geezer, being born in Scotland, is an avid golfer. He is not a great golfer - in fact, he stinks. But to his credit he's always working on his game, trying to improve.

One day two weeks ago, after a typically crappy round of golf, Geeze was interrupted by a police officer as he's throwing his clubs in the car. "Did you tee off on the 17th hole about 20 minutes ago?"

"Why, yes I did officer." Geezer replied.

"Did you by any chance hook your ball over the trees to the left, out of bounds?" asked the officer.

"Yep, I believe I did." Geezer answered. "How'd you know?"

"Well," said the officer in a very serious tone, "Your golf ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a car's windshield. The driver lost control, causing a 5 car pile-up and a small explosion. Three people went to the hospital with injuries. I'd like to know what you're going to do about it?"

The Geeze sat there, seemingly saddened by the devastation caused by his errant tee shot. After much though, the he responded...

"I think I'll aim more to the right, close up my stance, tighten my grip and roll my right thumb over a bit."


There is a lesson in everything in life.
 

Offline demografx

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #224 on: 19/08/2010 21:56:52 »

Thanks, JimBob. I applaud Geezer's dedication to improving his technique - regardless of circumstance.
 

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #224 on: 19/08/2010 21:56:52 »

 

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