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Author Topic: Joke of the day  (Read 108160 times)

Offline Geezer

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #225 on: 20/08/2010 18:15:30 »
I don't play golf any more. I had to give it up when I lost my ball.

The string broke.
 

Offline JimBob

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #226 on: 21/08/2010 02:26:37 »
Must have been quite painful. Was the shepherd confused or did he do it on purpose?
 

Offline SeanB

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #227 on: 21/08/2010 15:11:46 »
I must admit I am not exactly a golf fan, though I worked with guys who were fanatics.

Golf, the game where you go out whatever the weather, take a ridiculously expensive stick, and hit the living stuff out of an innocent ball. You then either walk, or drive a car ( USA a small truck) to get the ball.Repeat 18 times, then go and get a few drinks with your fellows, and lie about how well you play.

A golfing trio are at the clubhouse one day, and, as they are about to tee off, the manager comes there, and asks if a special party can go first.

As the party comes closer, they see that they are blind. Jimbob says " How difficult it is to be a golfer with such a handicap", and allows them to go ahead. Nielep says : They are a dedicated group to play regardless of the difficulty" and also allows them to go on. Demografix says " Why can't they play at night?".


 

Offline JimBob

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #228 on: 22/08/2010 18:42:14 »
An airline captain was breaking in Demografix as a new flight steward. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed Demo the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new steward was missing. He knew which room he was in at the hotel and called him up wondering what happened. Demo answered the phone, crying, and said he couldn't get out of his room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

Demografix replied: "There are only three doors in here," he sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

 

Offline peppercorn

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #229 on: 23/08/2010 19:43:55 »
How many forum group members does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers.

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames.

156 to email the flamers ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy".

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"...another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive.

109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group.

203 to demand that cross posting about changing light bulbs between the hardware forum, lightbulb group and off-topic be stopped.

111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group.

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

47 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs and changing methods.

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.

3 to post about links they found on the URL's that sipport their argument that changing light bulbs IS relevant to the forum.

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again...

 :D :D :D
 

Offline JimBob

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #230 on: 23/08/2010 23:02:33 »
How many forum group members does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers.

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames.

156 to email the flamers ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy".

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"...another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive.

109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group.

203 to demand that cross posting about changing light bulbs between the hardware forum, lightbulb group and off-topic be stopped.

111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group.

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

47 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs and changing methods.

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.

3 to post about links they found on the URL's that sipport their argument that changing light bulbs IS relevant to the forum.

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again...

 :D :D :D


FOG!!

The word in red, above, is misspelled.

(FOG - Finicky Old Git)

FOG's - ARISE!
- Whatever happened to our group of good doers???

 

Offline peppercorn

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #231 on: 23/08/2010 23:48:13 »
3 to post about links they found on the URL's that sipport their argument that changing light bulbs IS relevant to the forum.

FOG!!

The word in red, above, is misspelled.

(FOG - Finicky Old Git)

Er yeah, urm ... I put that one in for you JimBob!
>>>NtS: God damn it! there's always one!!<<<

Could add:  4 who take offence after misunderstanding acronym!
 

Offline RD

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #232 on: 24/08/2010 00:05:59 »
Quote
"How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? ... Juan."

"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

"Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."

http://www.telegraph.co.uk
 

Offline JimBob

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #233 on: 24/08/2010 04:07:41 »
3 to post about links they found on the URL's that sipport their argument that changing light bulbs IS relevant to the forum.

FOG!!

The word in red, above, is misspelled.

(FOG - Finicky Old Git)

Er yeah, urm ... I put that one in for you JimBob!
>>>NtS: God damn it! there's always one!!<<<

Could add:  4 who take offence after misunderstanding acronym!


I am just proving your point. I can do more of the items on the list if you want me to do so.
Oh, by the way - FOG again!
 

Offline Variola

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #234 on: 24/08/2010 09:03:10 »
Quote
"How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? ... Juan."

"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

"Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."

http://www.telegraph.co.uk


I  actually preferred Gareth Richards gem to the winner

Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food, or if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub.
 ;D


(ponders if that joke works over in America...?)
 

Offline peppercorn

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #235 on: 24/08/2010 09:49:21 »
Could add:  4 who take offence after misunderstanding acronym!
Well you've put a word in red again - that's nice!  ;D
[Oh! It's an American English thing, isn't it?  Er, well I just wanted you to feel at 'home']

Actually your test word this time was 'acronym'.  Their more off initialisms  ;)


"Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."
My favourite!

I  actually preferred Gareth Richards gem to the winner

Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food,
or if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub.
;D
And this is why (us) cheapskates will inherit the Earth!
« Last Edit: 24/08/2010 10:16:32 by peppercorn »
 

Offline Bored chemist

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #236 on: 24/08/2010 19:45:50 »
"And this is why (us) cheapskates will inherit the Earth!"
Should be "(we) cheapskates".
 

Offline JimBob

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #237 on: 24/08/2010 20:19:58 »
The Attack of the Great FOG-ers returns!!!!
 

Offline Make it Lady

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #238 on: 24/08/2010 20:30:06 »
I asked my friend "Where are you going on holiday?"
He said "Saint Jo say."
"You fool," I replied "It is San Jose (With the J sounded as a H). When are you going?"
"Hune or Huly"
 

Offline looiskim

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #239 on: 07/09/2010 08:46:45 »
Have any of you heard the one about the logic scientist??? I am askingbecause it is longish but brilliant and too lazy on tis Friday to type it up if you have heard it :p

覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧
Spam Removed >>> And sorely tempted to ban ya A*S&!
« Last Edit: 07/09/2010 11:43:19 by peppercorn »
 

Offline Don_1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #240 on: 07/09/2010 09:46:09 »
I am askingbecause

What a strange name! I am relpyingbecause, Are we related?

tis Friday

No it ain't. Tis Tuesday, unless you come from another planet, in which case, welcome to the planet Earth. (Translation into Zoggish - splickt zebren dur splokendibber Scridgemould.)

I am askingbecause it is longish but brilliant and too lazy on tis Friday to type it up if you have heard it :p

Haven't quite got the hang of our language yet, have you ET?

I've heard of handbag snatchers, now we seem to have a handbag spammer!
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #241 on: 12/09/2010 14:45:13 »
JimBob asked his servant Don_1 "I kissed KarenW last night is it hard work or pleasure?"
Don_1 replied "must be pleasure sir! or else u'd have asked ME to do it" :D :D :D
 

Offline demografx

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #242 on: 12/09/2010 18:29:33 »

JimBob asked his servant Don_1 "I kissed KarenW last night is it hard work or pleasure?"
Don_1 replied "must be pleasure sir! or else u'd have asked ME to do it" :D :D :D


Is it hard work or hardly working?
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #243 on: 13/09/2010 12:52:31 »
Demografx to JimBob driving the wrong way up a one way street, "And where do you think you are going?"
JimBob: - "I'm not sure, but I must be late as everyone else is coming back." :D :D :D



 

Offline imatfaal

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #244 on: 13/09/2010 13:27:32 »
Omid is back!  Jokes of the day again; thanks!
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #245 on: 14/09/2010 22:28:11 »
Omid is back!  Jokes of the day again; thanks!

well, omid thank YOU for reading omid's jokes :)
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #246 on: 14/09/2010 22:28:35 »
A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'you have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.'
The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.
The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, 'How are you doing? Are you happy here?'
The cat yawns and stretches and says, 'Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best! :D :D :D


 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #247 on: 16/09/2010 09:39:00 »
BenV was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with his friends when an exceptionally gorgeous, beautiful n extremely sexy young lady entered. she was so striking that the men could not take their eyes away from her. The young woman noticed BenV's overly attentive stare & walked directly toward him. Before he could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young woman said to him, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.' Flabbergasted, BenV asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'
BenV considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew from his wallet and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand along with his address. he looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Clean my house." :D :D :D


 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #248 on: 17/09/2010 14:29:34 »
Peppercorn came home from work after a horrible day at the office. His gf has complained to him over and over that he never notices her anymore, and he denied it. When he comes through the door his gf greets him and says,
"Hi, Honey. Notice anything different about me today?"
"Oh, I don't know. You got your hair done."
"Nope, try again."
"Oh, uh, you bought a new dress."
"Nope, keep trying."
"You got your nails done."
"Nope, try again."
"I give up, I'm too tired to play 20 questions." said Peppercorn
"I'm wearing a gas mask!" :D :D :D





 

Offline peppercorn

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #249 on: 18/09/2010 13:09:19 »
I'm wearing a gas mask!" :D :D :D

That's not unusual :) - Not with my personal hygiene [xx(]
 

The Naked Scientists Forum

Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #249 on: 18/09/2010 13:09:19 »

 

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