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Author Topic: Joke of the day  (Read 108093 times)

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #25 on: 20/02/2010 07:21:25 »
Banta was not home at his usual hour, and his wife, Preeto, was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was Banta, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.

"Do you realize what time it is?" she asked.

He answered, "Don't get excited. I'm late because I bought something for the house."

Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she asked, "What did you buy for the house, dear?"

Banta's answer was, "A round of drinks!" :)
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #26 on: 23/02/2010 18:15:14 »
Banta walks into a bar for a bar and takes a seat. However, just as the bartender put the beer on the bar, there was a loud disturbance outside. Hey ran out to see what was going on but soon went back to drink his beer.

When he got back he found his glass empty and a note saying: "Thanks for the beer!"

Banta was a little ticked-off but ordered another beer anyway. Again, just as the bartender put the beer down a loud crash was heard in the street. Thinking that someone ran into his parked car, Banta runs outside to check on things. Seeing that his car was okay he returned to the bar and again found his glass empty and another note that said: "Thanks again, this was as good as the first one."

Well he still hadn't had a beer to quench his thirst, so he ordered another. Just as the bartender put the beer down, a series of shots were heard outside. This time Banta wasn't going to lose his beer to anybody. So he spit into the beer and left a note saying, "Enjoy, I just spit into the beer." He then ran outside to see what had happened.

When Banta returned he was delighted to find that his beer was just where he left it.

However this time the note said: "You enjoy, I spit in it too!" :D
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #27 on: 25/02/2010 16:02:24 »
Santa and Banta decide to apply for jobs at a mine that had opened nearby. After sitting in the waiting room for a while, Banta gets called in for his interview.

The boss asks Banta if he had worked underground mines before? Banta says that he had.

The boss asks him how deep under ground he worked?

Banta says, "Oh, about 8 to 10 feet."

The boss says, "Mines are a lot deeper than that, get out of here - you're no miner!"

On his way out, Banta tells Santa to tell the boss that he worked real deep underground so he could get the job. Santa gets called in.

The boss asks Santa if he had worked underground mines before?

Santa says, "Oh sure."

The boss asks how deep underground he worked.

Santa says, "I used to work in a mine 20,000 feet underground."

The boss says, "20,000 feet, Wow! That is incredible!, "What kind of lights did you use in a mine so deep underground?"

Santa says, "Oh, I didn't need a light, I worked on the day shift!" :D
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #28 on: 26/02/2010 07:52:11 »
Banta was carrying a large fish in a bucket of water away from a lake, which was well known for its excellent fishing when a Fishery officer stopped him.

The officer says, "Do you have a fishing license?"

Banta replies, "Don't need a license, this is my pet fish."

"Pet fish?" the officer asked.

Banta answers, "Yes, every night I take my fish down to the lake and let him swim around for a while, then I whistle and he jumps up on shore and I put him in his bucket and we go back home."

"That's a bunch of baloney, fish can't do that."

Banta looks at the officer and says, "You want me to show you?"

Very curious now, the officer says, "O.K. I've got to see this"

Banta pours the fish into the lake then stands there waiting.

After a few minutes, the officer turns to Banta and says, "Well?"

"Well, What?" Banta says.

The Officer asks, "Are you going to call your fish back?"

"Fish! What fish?" Banta responds. :D
 

Offline doppler1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #29 on: 26/02/2010 08:32:57 »
Did you hear the one about the South African Ventriloquist in the Australian outback???? Well he goes into a bar in the outback and has a few beers with the local farmers. After a couple he decides to have some fun by applying his trade as nobody knows his skill. He sees a dog sitting at the base of the bar and asks loudly, whose dog is that? one of the farmers replies that it is his so he asks if he can have a talk to the dog so they all say "come on mate, we all know dogs can not talk". So the ventriloquist asks the dog how his day is going and then responds for the dog in his best Aussie accent. The bar is stunned into complete silence and the patrons cannot believe what has just happened. Anyway to cut the story short, the ventriloquist then asks who's sheep were grazing outside and if he can have a quick chat to them and one of the farmers quickly pipes up "No point mate....they are all bloody liars" :)(Maybe a bit local but the Aussies will get it)
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #30 on: 27/02/2010 19:05:34 »
Did you hear the one about the South African Ventriloquist in the Australian outback???? Well he goes into a bar in the outback and has a few beers with the local farmers. After a couple he decides to have some fun by applying his trade as nobody knows his skill. He sees a dog sitting at the base of the bar and asks loudly, whose dog is that? one of the farmers replies that it is his so he asks if he can have a talk to the dog so they all say "come on mate, we all know dogs can not talk". So the ventriloquist asks the dog how his day is going and then responds for the dog in his best Aussie accent. The bar is stunned into complete silence and the patrons cannot believe what has just happened. Anyway to cut the story short, the ventriloquist then asks who's sheep were grazing outside and if he can have a quick chat to them and one of the farmers quickly pipes up "No point mate....they are all bloody liars" :)(Maybe a bit local but the Aussies will get it)

Good one Doppler1 :D
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #31 on: 27/02/2010 19:20:16 »
Banta has a cross-eyed bull that keeps bumping into things. He calls up to vet to try to remedy the problem.

The vet says, "I think the best thing is to stick a pipe up his ass and blow real hard and the bulls' eyes will straighten out."

The vet - a 70 year old man - inserts the pipe and blows. The bulls' eyes begin to straighten, but the vet soon looses his breath and the bulls' eyes are crossed again. The vet gives it another try, but looses his breath again.

The vet looks at Banta and says, "You look like a strong man, why don't you give it a try."

Banta agrees. He then takes the pipe out of the bulls' ass, turns it around, and sticks it back in. He then begins to blow.

"sh1t!!!" says the vet. "What in the hell did you do that for?"

Banta replies, "You don't think I am going to put my mouth on the same end of the pipe that you had your on." :D
 

Offline Ethos

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #32 on: 27/02/2010 23:28:08 »
A Moron went to a Psychiatrist to seek help for his intellect. The Psychiatrist judging this individaul to be an easy mark, gave him rabbit dropings and suggested he take one a day until his mental ability started to improve. After two weeks the Moron came back and the Psychiatrist tested his IQ again. After the test, the Moron's IQ hadn't improved so he was sent back home for another month with another helping of rabbit dropings to injest. This went on for several months until the Moron became suspicious and returned to the Psychiatrist earlier than his next appointment specified. He then cornered the Psychiatrist and demanded, "Why have you been feeding rabbit sh1t to me over the past several months and calling them smart pills?" The Psychiatrist becoming very amused at the Moron then anounced very bluntly, "Now you're getting smart aren't you?"
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #33 on: 28/02/2010 18:05:03 »
A Moron went to a Psychiatrist to seek help for his intellect. The Psychiatrist judging this individaul to be an easy mark, gave him rabbit dropings and suggested he take one a day until his mental ability started to improve. After two weeks the Moron came back and the Psychiatrist tested his IQ again. After the test, the Moron's IQ hadn't improved so he was sent back home for another month with another helping of rabbit dropings to injest. This went on for several months until the Moron became suspicious and returned to the Psychiatrist earlier than his next appointment specified. He then cornered the Psychiatrist and demanded, "Why have you been feeding rabbit sh1t to me over the past several months and calling them smart pills?" The Psychiatrist becoming very amused at the Moron then anounced very bluntly, "Now you're getting smart aren't you?"

Nice one Infy ;D


Once Santa kept having the same weird dream everynight, so he went to a doctor.

Doctor: What was your dream about?
Santa: I was being chased by a vampire!
Doctor: (giggles quitely) So... what is the scenery like?
Santa: I was running in a hall way.
Doctor: Then what happened?
Santa: Well that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always come to this door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn't budge!
Doctor: Does the door have any letters on it?
Santa: Yes it did.
Doctor: And what did these letter spell?
Santa: It said "Pull" :D
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #34 on: 02/03/2010 18:34:57 »
Santa had 6 kids and 5of them were lookalikes whiles the 6th one was different.
he used to ask his wife all the time that "please tell me who is the father to the 6th one" and his wife alwasy used to say "YOU are the father to the 6th one"
one day when hiw wife was dying he asked again "at least tell me now" and his wife responds "trust me you're the father to the 6th one" then he asked "then why does he look different from the rest?"
his wife replied " because only the 6th one is yours" :D
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #35 on: 03/03/2010 12:08:48 »
OK Omid about to leave for psychology's class but before that here's the one for today

Santa's father asked Santa

Papa: my son what do you wana become when you grow up?

Santa: Father! I wana become pilot

Papa: Very pleasantly very good but how would we know that you flying the airplane

Santa: don't worry Father, when I'll crossing my house in plane I'll throw a BOMB at my house and then you'll know that its Me :D

Omid off for class ;)
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #36 on: 04/03/2010 07:42:00 »
Omid about to leave for college in next few minutes but here's the one for today ;)

Santa was sleeping with his mum and felt thirsty in mid night
he asked mum

Santa: i am thirsty, get me a glass of water please.
Mum: stop it, and go to sleep
Santa: Mum! m thirsty please
Mum: i said go sleep
Santa: But I need to drink water
Mum: Go sleep or I'll go and bring a stick to thrash u with
Santa: OK mum! but while bringing the stick make sure you DO get me a glass of water too :D
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #37 on: 07/03/2010 13:50:38 »
Santa was standing outside of the class
and passin teacher asked him;

Teacher: why are you standing out of the class?
Santa: teacher asked me a question which I answered correctly
Teacher: So????????????
Santa: teacher said OUTSTANDING!!!!!!!!!!!! :D
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #38 on: 08/03/2010 17:26:20 »
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!" :-X
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #39 on: 09/03/2010 08:18:21 »
Santa and Banta, along with some friends agreed to try a Thai Restaurant.

While looking at the menu, Banta noticed Santa looking at the vegetarian section of the menu.

"What would you like Santa?" he asked.

"Im looking at this Eggplant Spicy dish," Santa replied.

"Santa, you like meat and potatoes. You wont like that dish," Banta said.

"What do you know," answered Santa, "I'm getting it."

"Santa, I'm telling you, you are a meat and potatoes kind of guy. You wont like it!" Banta exclaimed.

"Im getting it and that is the last word!" says Santa.

A short while later the meals arrive at the table.

Santa looks down and his dish and says to Banta, Where are my eggs? :D :D :D
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #40 on: 12/03/2010 07:03:09 »
Banta was driving back home when there was a terrible hailstorm. Huge hailstones the size of tennis balls pelted his car leaving it full of dents.

He drove to the nearby automotive center and asked what he should do. The mechanic explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at least 50pounds to repair. Banta said that was too much and asked if there was some other way to fix it.

He decided to have a little fun and said, "Well you could blow into the tail pipe real hard and they might pop back out."

Banta decided to give it a try before spending that much money. He drove home and was in the garage with his lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe when his neighbour Santa came over to visit.

"What are you doing?" asked Santa.

"I'm blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop all these dents out of my car," explained Banta.

"Well silly, it's not going to work," replied Santa.

"Why not?" asked Banta.

"Because you've got to roll up the windows first." :D
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #41 on: 13/03/2010 13:44:43 »
Two drunks, Santa and Banta, enter a hotel late at night. They approach the clerk, and Santa says, "Could you pleash give ush a bed with two rooms?"

"You mean a room with two beds?" asks the clerk.

"Whatever, whatever you shay."

So they get a key and somehow manage to stumble upstairs to their room. After fumbling for ten minutes, they even manage to get their door open. As they stumble inside, the door closes behind them and they are in total darkness. They go forward slowly, and both fall on the bed closest to the door.

"Ahh," says Santa, "Now we can get some sleep at last."

As they try to rearrange themselves, they suddenly realize that they are not alone in their bed.

"Hey! There's somebody in my bed!" says Banta.

"There's somebody in my bed too!" says Santa.

"Let's get rid of them. We paid for this room and we're going to sleep in the beds!" says Banta.

They start a tremendous struggle. They heave and push until eventually Santa throws Banta on the floor.

"ALL RIGHT!!" Santa shouts, "I've thrown mine off the bed."

"You're lucky," says Banta, "I got thrown off and I'm too tired to fight any more."

"Well, never mind," says Santa, "Why don't you just come and share my bed. Let's get some sleep round here." :D :D :D
 

Offline Bored chemist

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #42 on: 14/03/2010 13:07:14 »
"Apparently a hotel in the UK uses real live human bedwarmers. "
At least, that was the excuse they gave when prosecuted for running a brothel.
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #43 on: 14/03/2010 14:24:13 »
Santa went to doctor with two red ears
The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But .. what happened to your other ear?"
"The scoundrel called back.":D :D :D
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #44 on: 16/03/2010 20:22:01 »
Banta noticed a gorgeous blonde sitting by herself in a corner. As he was getting up to talk to her.
Bartender : "Hey don't worry about her, She is lesbian!"
Banta : "Lesbian or no lesbian, I get them all"
....and he stylishly holding his whiskey in his left hand walked to her table. Then leaping forward in a very sexy voice he says.
"Honey where exactly in Lesbia, you from?" :D
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #45 on: 18/03/2010 15:16:03 »
A doctor traveling by car along a country road collides with an attorney who happens to be driving in the opposite direction. The attorney, seeing that the doctor is a bit shaken up, helps him from the car and offers him a drink of Scotch from his hip flask. The doctor accepts, took a long drink and hands the flask back to the attorney, who closes it and puts it away. "Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asks the doctor.
The attorney replies, "Sure as soon as the police leave." :D
 

Offline Andrew K Fletcher

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #46 on: 19/03/2010 17:20:43 »
Following a recent news item, couldn't resist having a scribble :)

Council linked to terrorist wheely bin tactics, "refusing" to take a bin if the lid don't close because there is too much rubbish in it? Wheely? Yes, when questioned, an official said: "O some are bin laden"
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #47 on: 19/03/2010 18:12:06 »
A man walks into a bar and asks the barman, 'Was I in here last night?'
'You certainly were,' replies the barman.
'And did I spend a lot of money?'
'You spent over 100', replies the barman.
'Thank god for that,' says the man, 'I thought I'd wasted it. :)
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #48 on: 21/03/2010 12:13:40 »
a little boy was plucking fruits from a tree in garden, as the watchman saw the boy he was freaked out and shouted at boy

Watchman: you plucking fruit here without permission, I'll just go to your house and complaint your dad about it

Boy: but there's no use of going to my house because my dad is not home

Watchman: so where's your dad?

Boy: *giggling* he is plucking fruit from the other tree :D
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #49 on: 22/03/2010 06:55:02 »
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce." :D
 

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #49 on: 22/03/2010 06:55:02 »

 

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