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Author Topic: Joke of the day  (Read 108237 times)

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #250 on: 18/09/2010 14:27:51 »
Peppercorn at this construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength. He especially made fun of one of the older workman called BORED chemist. After several minutes, BORED chemsit had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where you mouth is?" he said. "I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to the other building that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," Peppercorn replied. "Let's see what you've got."
BORED chemist reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then nodding to Peppercorn, he said with a smile, "All right. Get in." :D :D :D


 

Offline demografx

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #251 on: 18/09/2010 20:31:58 »




But first, Peppercorn needs to make a phone call to his lawyer!
« Last Edit: 18/09/2010 20:34:00 by demografx »
 

Offline peppercorn

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #252 on: 19/09/2010 12:25:20 »
Then nodding to Peppercorn, he said with a smile, "All right. Get in." :D :D :D

Damn - Brain over brawn!
And there was me thinking my patented chest expansion program was going to make me rich  ;D
 

Offline Bored chemist

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #253 on: 19/09/2010 20:04:12 »
I'm worried.
If peppercorn realises that all he needs to do is decline my offer of a lift to the other building then I'm down a week's pay.
 

Offline peppercorn

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #254 on: 20/09/2010 08:40:10 »
I'm worried.
If peppercorn realises that all he needs to do is decline my offer of a lift to the other building then I'm down a week's pay.
Well, you say a week's pay - I only get four shillings a week on the YTS! :D

This joke is sort of a transport equivalent of pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps! ???
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #255 on: 20/09/2010 18:39:29 »
Imatfaal was complaining to his mother that his stomach hurt. His mother replied, “That’s because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it." The next day, SeanB was over at Imatfaal's family's house for lunch. He mentioned having his head hurt, to which Imatfaal immediately replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it." :D :D :D


 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #256 on: 21/09/2010 14:41:27 »
Having arrived at the edge of the river for fishing, Demografx soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. Demografx snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.
An hour or so later Demografx felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth... :D :D :D


 

Offline demografx

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #257 on: 21/09/2010 15:03:16 »




I bet this one in the picture is a friend or relative of the snake!
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #258 on: 22/09/2010 17:43:33 »
Peppercorn lay on the couch telling his psychiatrist a sad tale. “I see BORED chemist, Doctor,” he said. “He is walking down a long corridor, walking up fifteen steps in the green door. There are lots of people standing around. They’re bandaging his eyes – ooh – Doctor, Doctor what does it mean?” “Well,” said the psychiatrist, “if they ain’t playing blind man’s bluff BORED chemist’s in real trouble. :D :D :D


 

Offline SeanB

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #259 on: 22/09/2010 21:33:30 »
On the Fishing line, I know a man who went fishing one day. On his return he had some lovely fish, which he claimed he had caught , cleaned, scaled and brought home to cook. His better half did not believe him, as he had never cleaned up anything before......

On another tack:

A drunk guy staggers home at cock crow, a little the worse for wear. His wife is at the door, breathingf fire, pan in hand. Before she can hit him, he cries "Don't pay the ransom, I escaped".

 

Offline Variola

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #260 on: 23/09/2010 08:46:04 »




I bet this one in the picture is a friend or relative of the snake!

That is actually a picture of the worlds strongest beer, made by Brewdog called " The End of History". It is 55% ABV with a price tag of about 500 quid!
I bought a bottle of the previous Worlds strongest beer called Tactical Nuclear Penguin as a Christmas present.
 

Offline peppercorn

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #261 on: 23/09/2010 11:47:41 »
That is actually a picture of the worlds strongest beer, made by Brewdog called " The End of History". It is 55% ABV with a price tag of about 500 quid!

Indeed! Brewdog are a top Scots export! They make some truly excellent beers - I seem to remember they won beer of the festival at Greenwich BF two years back.  Personally, I enjoyed there product a bit too much on that occasion as a 'volunteer' behind the CamRA bar *hic*
I'm not sure I'd call anything 'brewed' at 55% beer though! [xx(]
 

Offline Don_1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #262 on: 23/09/2010 13:54:55 »
A motorist, stopped at the side of the road, had the bonnet (hood) up and was looking into the steaming engin compartment.

A passing drunk asked him "What's up mate?"

The motorist replied, "Piston broke."

The drunk  retorted, "Yeah, same here mate!"
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #263 on: 23/09/2010 18:13:08 »
Don_1 found a magic genie who would grant him one wish. Don_1 said to the genie,” I wish that I had a non-stop bridge from here to Hawaii." The genie said,” I’m sorry, but that's going to be very hard. Do you have another wish?" Don_1 answered, "Of course! I want the power to understand all women." The genie thought for a minute. He replied, "How many platforms did you want on that bridge?" :D :D :D

 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #264 on: 24/09/2010 20:31:59 »
A police officer sees Peppercorn driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls Peppercorn over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."
Peppercorn says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees Peppercorn still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses. He pulls Peppercorn over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"
Peppercorn replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach!" :D :D :D

 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #265 on: 25/09/2010 20:55:12 »
Omid's mother was concerned about her selfish behavior and gave her something of a lecture, stressing that we are put in this world to help others.
Omid seemed much impressed and sat silently, thinking and scratching her head.
At last she looked up and said, “Mommy?”
“Yes, dear?” replied Omid's mother.
“What I want to know is, what are the others for?” :D :D :D
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #266 on: 30/09/2010 12:49:48 »
Don_1, Demografx and JimBob , stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. Don_1 wishes he was off the island and back home. Demografx wishes the same. JimBob says "I’m lonely. I wish Don_1 and Demografx were back here." :D :D :D
 

Offline demografx

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #267 on: 01/10/2010 04:15:08 »

           
 

Offline SeanB

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #268 on: 01/10/2010 21:03:47 »
An investment banker building a CDO there Demografx?

 It would seem appropriate .
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #269 on: 02/10/2010 13:54:44 »
John Chapman awoke one evening to discover prowlers in his storage shed. He immediately called 911, gave his address, to report the prowlers and possible burglary.SeanB at the other end said "Are they in your house?" John Chapman said they were not, only in his storage shed in back of the house. SeanB said there were no cars available at that time. John Chapman thanked SeanB, hung up the phone and counted to 30 and called again. "I just called you about prowlers in my storage shed. Well you do not have to worry, as I just shot them all dead!" Within seconds there were 3 police cars, an ambulance and fire engine at the scene. After capturing the prowlers red-handed, the policeman asked John Chapman, "I thought you said you had shot them all!" John Chapman answered, "I thought you said there were no police available!" :D :D :D

 

Offline SeanB

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #270 on: 02/10/2010 17:45:29 »
My local police don't have a patrol car....... It was stolen by person or persons unknown. They are looking for it, a white sedan with blue lights on the top and the words "POLICE" written on the side.

True thing is that the police stations have a security company guarding them, but they were still broken into and robbed.
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #271 on: 03/10/2010 10:21:36 »
BORED Chemist on his deathbed called to him, his 3 friends, John Chapman, Don_1 and Demografx. "I am going to die tonight," and I want to prove that when you go to heaven you can take it all with you. So to my three most trusted friends, you three of course, I am leaving 50,000 dollars in these envelopes. When I die you must come to my funeral and put the envelopes in my coffin with me." BORED Chemist handed them identical envelopes.
A day later they each received news that, that night BORED Chemist had died . So each knew they must go to his funeral and fulfill his death wish.
Standing over the coffin one week later Don_1 confessed, " I can't hide what I've done. I took 10,000 dollars from the envelope because the church needed to be painted."
Then as he did so Demografx also started to fidget then finally confessed “I took 30,000 dollars from my envelope because my hospital needed a new wing."
Then John Chapman said plainly “You bunch of crooks! I wrote him a check for the full amount!" :D :D :D


 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #272 on: 05/10/2010 17:11:42 »
John Chapman is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer Demografx meets him before the race and says,
"All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, "ALLLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine
John Chapman thinks Demografx is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. John Chapman ignores Demografx's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. John Chapman, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens -- the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, John Chapman thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it" and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
Demografx is fuming and asks John Chapman what went wrong. John Chapman replies,
"Nothing is wrong with me -- it's this bloody horse. What is he -- deaf or something?"
Demografx replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf -- he's BLIND!" :D :D :D

 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #273 on: 06/10/2010 13:35:20 »
John Chapman walks into a bar, sits at the counter and said "Drinks, everybody on me, even you bar tender" on my tab. Every one got a drink and thanked John Chapman. After a while John Chapman said "Drinks, everybody on me, even you bar tender. Put it on my tab." Everybody got their drinks and thanked John Chapman. The bar tender pulled John Chapman to the side and asked him "You know this is going to be a lot of money, can you pay for this? John Chapman said "No". The bar tender took him in the back, beat him up, and threw him out the back door. John Chapman brushed himself off, and went back into the bar. He sat down and said "Drinks, everybody, on me. Except for you bar tender, you don't know how to act when you get drunk :D :D :D

 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #274 on: 08/10/2010 07:08:19 »
John Chapman moves from city to the country and decides he’s going to take up farming.
He heads to the local co-op and tells Demografx, “Give me a hundred baby chickens.”
Demografx complies. A week later John Chapman returns and says, “Give me two hundred baby chickens.” Demografx complies.
Again, a week later John Chapman returns. This time he says, “Give me five-hundred baby chickens.” “Wow! Demografx replies “You must really be doing well!”
“Naw,” said John Chapman with a sigh. “I’m either planting them too deep or too far apart!” :D :D :D
 

The Naked Scientists Forum

Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #274 on: 08/10/2010 07:08:19 »

 

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