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Author Topic: Joke of the day  (Read 108182 times)

Offline SeanB

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #275 on: 08/10/2010 20:43:28 »
Demografx goes to the local farmers market. There he finds Geezer  at a stall, selling a fine range of new small tools at a really low price. Demografx buys a few tools, and later in the week compares prices, and finds that the tools Geezer sells are really cheap, below the price of even the wholesalers. The next weekend he goes back to the market, and speaks to Geezer, asking him how his tools are so cheap. Geezer replies " I buy them from the wholesaler, and sell them for 30% less here" Demografx says " But you are losing money on each tool you sell!. Geezer replies " True, but it is still more profitable than farming. ".

 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #276 on: 17/10/2010 13:26:33 »
Peppercorn was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.

As Peppercorn threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the city's problems.

Slightly pissed off at having to listen to this Peppercorn said, "Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn't make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!"

The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you, but the alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed..."

"Look there you go again," said Peppercorn, "How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?"

"Of course not!" gasped the nun, "The evil alcohol has never touched my lips."

"Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?"

"Well, I really don't know ..."

"I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a drink. One drink. I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the glass, it's inside the person."

"Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it's out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you've aroused a curiosity in me."

"Well let's go inside and settle this"

"No my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch" you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I'll try it."

"You're on!" said Peppercorn.

The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. Peppercorn went into the bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please"

The bartender sighed and said, "Is that darn nun out there again!" :D :D :D
 
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #277 on: 17/10/2010 13:45:07 »
Demografx's dishwasher quit working so he called a repairman. Since he had to go to work the next day, he told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Demografx's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!" :D :D :D

Men just don't listen!
 
 

Offline demografx

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #278 on: 18/10/2010 23:43:40 »


Teamwork!
 

Online Bored chemist

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #279 on: 19/10/2010 18:58:07 »
"Men just don't listen!"
Yeah; like a man would ever have called the repairman.
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #280 on: 19/10/2010 19:40:07 »
BORED chemist in a posh hotel comes down to breakfast and called over the head waiter Demografx and read from the menu “I’d like one under cooked egg so that it’s running, and one over cooked egg that it’s tough and hard to eat. I’d also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it’s impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee.” that’s a complicated order sir, said Demografx. “It might be quite difficult.” BORED chemist replied sarcastically, “It can’t be that difficult because that’s exactly what you brought me yesterday!” :D :D :D

 

Offline peppercorn

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #281 on: 20/10/2010 10:16:44 »
BORED chemist replied sarcastically, “It can’t be that difficult because that’s exactly what you brought me yesterday!”

Lol! :D
 

Offline SeanB

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #282 on: 20/10/2010 20:31:56 »
I have eaten at places that served food like that.......

The recipe they used for a hard boiled egg was as follows:

Half fill a 200l pot with water, add 1kg salt.
Turn on the heater
Start placing eggs in the pot when the water starts steaming, you will use around 500 eggs to do so.
When the last egg is in wait until it starts boiling.
Wait 10 minutes and turn off the heat.
When cool enough start removing eggs and place in a tray
Serve them........

Those eggs would bounce if dropped out of our bus, still in the shell. At least 5 times before breaking. They were lethal weapons, unless you were lucky enough to get the top ones, they were merely hard, not blue to the core. We did discover they would break windows if thrown at them.

 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #283 on: 20/10/2010 22:47:07 »
"Demografx!" JimBob yells. I’ve lost my memory!"
“Calm down, JimBob. When did this happen.” asked Demografx
JimBob looked at him. “When did what happen?” :D :D :D
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #284 on: 22/10/2010 08:07:18 »
Peppercorn was observing his classroom of children while they drew. he would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As he got to little Don_1who was working diligently, Peppercorn asked what the drawing was. little Don_1 replied, "I'm drawing God." Peppercorn paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from his drawing, little Don_1 replied, "They will in a minute." :D :D :D



 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #285 on: 23/10/2010 20:30:22 »
Four animals a Snake, a Cock, a Cat and a Centipede, all heavy smokers, were playing cards together. When the cigarettes run out, the snake, the big brother, said, "Cock, go out and get some packs! You know, I have NO legs." "But why me?" said the Cock, "I have only TWO legs!" So, the task fell on Centipede with no doubt. Centipede said nothing and left the room.
The left three waited and waited, but Centipede did not show up. One hour later, they couldn't wait anymore. "What's the devil Centipede doing?" Snake said impatiently, "Cat, go out and take a look!"
When Cat gets to the door, he got frightened. Centipede was SITTING there!!!! So the angry Cat said, "What are you doing here?"
"Can't you see? I'm putting on my shoes,” said Centipede. :D :D :D

 

Offline demografx

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #286 on: 24/10/2010 00:59:29 »


 

Offline Joe L. Ogan

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #287 on: 24/10/2010 01:55:42 »
But what if he drops 100 shoes?  Thanks for comments.  Joe L. Ogan
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #288 on: 24/10/2010 23:15:32 »
John Chapman and his wife are beginning to notice that neither of them seem to be able to remember things as well as they used to. So, they go to see their doctor, who explains that there is nothing really wrong with, just typical memory loss associated with old age. He suggests that they each get notebooks and write notes to themselves to help remember things. They go home and that evening while watching T.V. John Chapman gets up and heads for the kitchen. His wife asks if he can bring her some ice cream when he returns. John Chapman says he will, and she says he should write it down. "I’m just going to the kitchen, I'll remember." "Well, I want that with nuts, too." "O.K. he says ice cream with nuts." She asks again if he's going to write it down. "No, I'm just going to the kitchen." "And a Cherry on the top?" He agrees and turns toward the kitchen again and she asks again about writing it down. Now John Chapman is angry, "Look, old lady I'm not senile, I can remember ice cream with nuts and a cherry on top." He goes in the kitchen for 10 minutes and when he returns he sets a plate of bacon and eggs in front of his wife. She looks up and says, "Honey, you forgot my toast." :D :D :D

 

Offline demografx

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #289 on: 26/10/2010 04:30:31 »

But what if he drops 100 shoes?  Thanks for comments.  Joe L. Ogan


Joe, I dropped more than that at the racetrack once.
 

Offline demografx

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #290 on: 26/10/2010 04:33:42 »

"Demografx!" JimBob yells. I’ve lost my memory!"
“Calm down, JimBob. When did this happen.” asked Demografx
JimBob looked at him. “When did what happen?” :D :D :D


Omid.....hmmmm.....now I forgot what I was going to say!
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #291 on: 26/10/2010 11:39:11 »
 :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

Good one demografx!!! ;D
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #292 on: 26/10/2010 11:53:04 »
John Chapman told BORED Chemsit he’d found a cat, but it was dead. “How do you know that the cat was dead?” BORED Chemist asked.
“Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered John Chapman innocently.
“You did WHAT?! ?” BORED Chemsit exclaimed in surprise.
“You know,” explained John Chapman, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.” :D :D :D


 

Offline demografx

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #293 on: 26/10/2010 22:47:52 »


 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #294 on: 27/10/2010 13:20:46 »
Demografx walks into Dunkin’ Donuts and asked Omid. “Excuse me; miss … how many cups of coffee do you think this thermos will hold?” Omid says, “I think it’s a seven-cup thermos.” Demografx says, “All right …. Give me two black, three cream and sugar.” :D :D :D


 

Offline demografx

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #295 on: 27/10/2010 17:27:04 »

Ahhhh....it was nice to read that....I just now had my morning coffee! :)
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #296 on: 28/10/2010 18:35:38 »
When BORED Chemist was putting flowers on his Grandmother's grave he noticed Don_1, very distraught, in front of a tombstone several yards away. Don_1 was on his knees, hands tightly clasped in front of him, rocking back and forth, head tilted upward to heaven, tears streaming down his cheeks, moaning softly, "Why did you die? Why did you die?" Over and over again.
BORED Chemist was overcome with emotion at this sight and went over to poor Don_1 to try and console him. "Why did you die? Why did you die?" bellowed Don_1 again and again. BORED Chemist gently put his arm around the man and half whispered to him, "My Grandmother is buried just over there. Is a loved one of yours buried here?"
"No," sniffled Don_1, "It's my wife's first husband." :D :D :D

 

Offline Don_1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #297 on: 28/10/2010 21:52:31 »
When BORED Chemist was putting flowers on his Grandmother's grave he noticed Don_1, very distraught, in front of a tombstone several yards away. Don_1 was on his knees, hands tightly clasped in front of him, rocking back and forth, head tilted upward to heaven, tears streaming down his cheeks, moaning softly, "Why did you die? Why did you die?" Over and over again.
BORED Chemist was overcome with emotion at this sight and went over to poor Don_1 to try and console him. "Why did you die? Why did you die?" bellowed Don_1 again and again. BORED Chemist gently put his arm around the man and half whispered to him, "My Grandmother is buried just over there. Is a loved one of yours buried here?"
"No," sniffled Don_1, "It's my wife's first husband." :D :D :D


Now. As it happens..................
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #298 on: 29/10/2010 18:37:27 »
JimBob entered the meat market to buy something nice for dinner. Don_1 greeted him and told him to look around. JimBob began to inspect the meat case and noticed the market specialized in brain.
Upon further inspection he noticed a marked disparity between the costs of brain meats. A carpenter's brain sells for $1.50 per pound. A plumber's brain sells for $2.25 per pound. He noticed with alarm that a politician's brain sells for $375.00 a pound. With not a little curiosity JimBob asked Don_1 why the huge difference in price between the similar meats.
Don_1 responded with a deadpan look on his face, "Do you realize how many politicians it takes to get a pound of brains?" :D :D :D


 

Offline SeanB

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #299 on: 30/10/2010 12:30:25 »
And of course the politicians brain is mostly unusable slimy gel, or fibrous money binders.
« Last Edit: 30/10/2010 12:37:04 by SeanB »
 

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #299 on: 30/10/2010 12:30:25 »

 

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