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Author Topic: Joke of the day  (Read 108376 times)

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #300 on: 31/10/2010 14:04:48 »
SeanB landed a plane with a rather bumpy landing. As part of his job he was required to stand by the terminal door and say goodbye to the passengers as they exited the airplane. He was afraid that someone might say something about his rather less than perfect landing, but everyone left without saying a word except for Demografx, an elderly man, he slowly approached SeanB after most passengers had exited the plane and asked, "Did we land? Or were we shot down?" :D :D :D

 

Offline SeanB

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #301 on: 31/10/2010 17:14:33 »
I travelled on airlines like that................
 

Offline Bored chemist

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #302 on: 31/10/2010 19:37:30 »
I travelled on airlines like that................

Since it's Halloween we might hear from people who travelled on airlines that were a bit worse.
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #303 on: 01/11/2010 18:18:03 »
God created the donkey & said to him: “You will work unceasingly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence & you will live 50 years.
You will be a donkey. “The donkey answered: “I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is too much. Give me only 20 years. God granted his wish.
God created the dog and said to him: "You will be a dog.” You will guard the house of man. You will be his best friend. You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 25 years. You will be a dog. “The dog answered: “Master, to live 25 years is too much, you give me only 10 years. God granted his wish. God created the Monkey and said to him: “You will be a monkey.” You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks. You will be amusing and you will live 20 years. You will be a monkey. “The monkey answered: “Master to live 20 years is too much, you give me only 10 years. God granted his wish.
Finally God created the man and said to him: “You will be a man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth.” You will use your intelligence to become master over all animals. You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years. Man responded: "I will be a man but to live only 20 years is very little, give the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 15 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years the monkey refused. God granted his wish. And since then, man lives 20 years as a man, he marries and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying all the burdens on his back. Then when his children are gone, he lives 15 years like a dog, taking care of the house and eating whatever is given to him, so that when he is old, he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey, going from house to house, from one son or daughter to another, doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren. :D :D :D


 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #304 on: 02/11/2010 18:12:31 »
Never say anything bad about Demografx until you have walked a mile in his shoes. By then he’s a mile away, you have got his shoes, and your can say whatever you want to. :D :D :D


 

Offline demografx

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #305 on: 03/11/2010 15:49:28 »


Wait, omid, I don't even walk a mile in my own shoes. Please don't tell my doctor!! (he says I need  to exercise more). ;D
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #306 on: 03/11/2010 22:53:14 »
Demografx had been crossing a street when JimBob's car slammed into him. Demografx sued the motorist, whose lawyer made the following statement at the end of the trial.
“Your honor, JimBob was not at fault. He has been driving a car for thirty years, and has never had an accident, nor gotten so much as a speeding ticket. I do not think I need to say any more.”
Unimpressed, the lawyer for the plaintiff rose. “Your honor, since counsel insists on bringing up the matter of experience, may I remind the court that Demografx has been walking for over seventy years…” :D :D :D



 

Offline demografx

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #307 on: 04/11/2010 01:29:37 »


No, omid, only 64 years. ;D
 

Offline JimBob

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #308 on: 04/11/2010 18:48:03 »
Better than a Flu Shot!   

   
Miss Variola, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Variola,' he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

"Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"

 

Offline Don_1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #309 on: 08/11/2010 13:16:05 »


No, omid, only 64 years. ;D


70, 64, what's the difference, you must still have some almighty blisters by now!
 

Offline demografx

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #310 on: 08/11/2010 17:51:26 »


No blisters. I walk a mile in these shoes. :)
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #311 on: 08/11/2010 23:51:33 »
While BORED Chemist waited at the airport to board his plane, he noticed a computer scale that would give your weight and a fortune. He dropped a quarter in the slot, and the computer screen displayed: “You weigh 195 pounds, you are married and you’re on your way to San Diego.” BORED Chemist stood there dumbfounded.
JimBob put in a quarter and the computer read: “You weigh 184 pounds, you’re divorced, and you’re on your way to Chicago.” BORED Chemist said to JimBob.“Are you divorced and on our way to Chicago?” “Yes.” Replied JimBob.
BORED Chemist was amazed. Then he rushed to the men’s room, changed his clothes and put on dark glasses. He went to the machine again. The computer read: “You still weigh 195 pounds, you’re still married, and you just missed your plane to San Diego. :D :D :D



 

Offline Bored chemist

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #312 on: 09/11/2010 20:03:21 »
The funniest thing about that  is that it's probably right- I would miss the plane trying to work out how the thing knew stuff.
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #313 on: 09/11/2010 23:07:06 »
BORED Chemist, Don_1 and Demografx were sitting on a park bench. Demografx was reading a newspaper; while BORED Chemist and Don_1 were pretending to fish. They baited imaginary hooks, cast lines, and reeled in their catch.
Passing SeanB stopped to watch the spectacle and asked Demografx if he knew the other two.
“Oh yes” he said. “They ‘re my friends.”
“In that case,” warned SeanB, “you’d better get them out of here!”
“Yes, sir” Demografx replied, and he began rowing furiously :D :D :D



 

Offline SeanB

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #314 on: 10/11/2010 17:25:48 »
Reminds me of Paddy and Mick, who were at the boozer getting a few stouts. They saw on the telly a show about trout tickling, and decided to give it a try. They went to the canal and Paddy held Mick over the side of the bridge to try to catch some fish that way. After a few minutes Mick said to Paddy " Pads, pull me up!" Paddy asked " You caught a fish?" to which Mick replied "No, but there is a bloody train coming towards me".

Badda Bing!

 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #315 on: 11/11/2010 23:29:29 »
One day Variola buys a new Mercedes. She heads out on the freeway to try it out and cruises up to about 100 mph. As she was next to Demografx's truck, she cuts him off. Demografx yells at her to pull over, and, obviously not thinking, Variola does. Demografx draws a circle on the road with chalk and tells her to stay there. He takes a knife and scratches her car and pops the tires. Then he yells to Variola, "How do ya like that?" She answers, "While you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!" :D :D :D

 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #316 on: 15/11/2010 23:37:19 »
BORED Chemist DESPERATELY looking to get married asked JimBob. "Every woman I bring home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like."
"Oh, that's easy," JimBob replied. "All you have to do is find someone who's' just like your mother." "I did that already," BORED Chemist said, "and that one my father didn't like." :D :D :D
 

Offline demografx

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #317 on: 17/11/2010 04:17:41 »
Bored Chemist needs a...


 

Offline SeanB

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #318 on: 23/11/2010 17:28:36 »
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the cat out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "Why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that critter on the phone. I'm lost and need directions!!!"



 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #319 on: 25/11/2010 18:54:44 »
Demografx walked into a jewelry store on a Friday, with a young lady Variola at his side.
"I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend," he said.
JimBob looked through his stock and took out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000. "I don't think you understand-I want something very unique," Demografxsaid.
At that, JimBob went and fetched his special stock from the safe. "Here's one stunning ring at $40,000." Variola’s eyes sparkled, and Demografx said that he would take it. "How are you paying?" asked JimBob.
"I'll pay by check; but of course the bank will want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a check and you can phone the bank tomorrow, and then I'll fetch the ring on Monday."
Monday morning, very disappointed JimBob phoned Demografx. "You lied, there's no money in that account." "I know, sorry, but can you imagine what a FANTASTIC weekend I had?" :D :D :D


 

Offline Joe L. Ogan

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #320 on: 26/11/2010 00:14:04 »
Would Demografx really do something like that????????  Thanks for comments.  Joe L. Ogan
 

Offline demografx

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #321 on: 26/11/2010 09:17:23 »

No comment, Joe  ;D
 

Offline peppercorn

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #322 on: 26/11/2010 11:24:00 »
Would Demografx really do something like that????????  Thanks for comments.  Joe L. Ogan

And (maybe more tellingly) was Variola really taken for a, er, ride (as in 'taken in', of course!)?  ;)
 

Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #323 on: 26/11/2010 17:26:20 »
Joe L.ogan burst into his professor’s office and says; "Professor BORED Chemist, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me."
To which BORED Chemist,  replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award." :D :D :D
 

Offline Joe L. Ogan

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #324 on: 26/11/2010 18:46:04 »
Hehehe.  Thanks for comments.  Joe L. Ogan
 

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #324 on: 26/11/2010 18:46:04 »

 

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