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Author Topic: 20 WAYS TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY  (Read 2895 times)

Offline Andrew K Fletcher

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20 WAYS TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY
« on: 08/02/2006 13:12:57 »
20 WAYS TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on

and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they

want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone

has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for smuggling

diamonds."

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the

prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat - with a

serious face.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds

all day at work.

14. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party

because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling,

"Run for your lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner "due to the economy, we are going to
have to let one of you go."

20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity . .

 


"The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions is most likely to be correct."
K.I.S. "Keep it simple!"


 

Offline Andrew K Fletcher

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Re: 20 WAYS TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY
« Reply #1 on: 08/02/2006 13:33:33 »
1.   When you get an annoying phone call from the telephone sales army, reply “You are the weakest link, goodbye.
2.   When someone treads on your toes, say that’s ok, I have another foot on the other leg.
3.   When someone dives out of your way because you have a really friendly dog on the lead, reply; Excuse me would you mind not frightening my dog.
4.   When someone’s feeling down, add; Never mind, behind every black cloud, there is a thunderbolt waiting to connect with your skull.
5.   What do you give the lady that already has everything? Answer: penicillin.
6.    Smoking for hours helps you push up the flowers.
7.   Packing up smoking is easy; I have done it a thousand times.
8.   Favourite chat up line; the thing that both of us have in common is that we are very much in love with me.
9.    Put a toothbrush in your top pocket on show, and when someone you fancy asks why you have a toothbrush in your top pocket, say, well, I am not sharing yours in the morning.
10.   Ask in a pub, Excuse me is that handbag drinking? And add, well shift it because I am.


"The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions is most likely to be correct."
K.I.S. "Keep it simple!"
 

Offline Andrew K Fletcher

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Re: 20 WAYS TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY
« Reply #2 on: 10/02/2006 10:27:50 »
Remember They Vote

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old
fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free
to good home.
You want it, you take it".
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking
twice
at it. He eventually decided that people were too leery of this deal. It

looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for
sale $50".

The next day someone stole it.

Caution! . . . . . . . . . . . . . These people Vote

============================

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which
direction was North because as he explained, he didn't want the sun
waking him up every morning.

She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?"

When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has for
sometime), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that
stuff". . . . . . . .

She ALSO votes!

============================

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center.

One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call
center was open.

I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a
week."

He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?

"Wanting to end the call quickly, I replied, "Uh, Pacific" . . . . . .
 

He ALSO votes!

============================

My colleague and I were eating lunch in the cafeteria when we overheard
one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got
on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but

"didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving". . . . .

She ALSO votes?

============================

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut
through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk . .

My sister ALSO votes!

============================

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%.

Since it was a big party, we decided to buy 2 cases.

The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount . . . . .

He ALSO votes!

 ============================

I was hanging out with an acquaintance when we saw a woman with a nose
ring attached to an earring by a chain.

My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her
head?"

I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart
no matter which way the head is turned. . . . . . . . . . .

My friend ALSO votes!

============================

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area so I went to the

lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed
up.

She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained
professional and I was in good hands.

"Now," she asked me, "Has your plane arrived yet?"

SHE ALSO votes!

============================

While visiting our local Pizza Parlour I observed a man ordering a
small pizza to go.

He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6.

He thought about it for some time before responding, "Just cut it into
4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces

. . . . . . . . . .Yep, he votes too.
_________________________________________________________________




"The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions is most likely to be correct."
K.I.S. "Keep it simple!"
 

The Naked Scientists Forum

Re: 20 WAYS TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY
« Reply #2 on: 10/02/2006 10:27:50 »

 

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