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Author Topic: passing out  (Read 17408 times)

Offline ukmicky

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Re: passing out
« Reply #25 on: 02/07/2006 19:59:10 »
That's what i call a caring and helpful person, well done Karen

Michael
 

Offline neilep

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Re: passing out
« Reply #26 on: 02/07/2006 20:04:59 »
Karen...is just the most amazing special person here...we all love you Karen..

...and Michael...I love you too...big hugs mate !!

Men are the same as women, just inside out !
 

Offline Karen W.

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Re: passing out
« Reply #27 on: 02/07/2006 20:19:18 »
You Guys are great friends and I know We all Love Andrea and know what a special person she is!

 Andrea I hope you know how special you are and that we are pulling for you! Please be safe and don't be scared! It took alot for you to post that and ask for help on this subject and please use the advice now. After you are safe with your children you can think about things and get more help and figure out what else to do! Call!
« Last Edit: 02/07/2006 20:42:32 by Karen W. »
 

Offline Grecian

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Re: passing out
« Reply #28 on: 02/07/2006 22:46:52 »
quote:
Originally posted by Carolyn

Andrea - YES IT ABSOLUTELY DOES DAMAGE TO YOU.  IT DOES DAMAGE TO YOUR CHILDREN TOO!  Watching their mother be physically and emotionally abused changes them and hurts them. It robs them of their childhood and their innocence.  It also sets them up to become involved in physically abusive relationships also.  What would you say to your daughter if she were with someone who choked her or beat her?  You would tell her to get out.  Why would you want any less for you?  

I realize it's easy for us to sit back and say get out, but if he's physically hurting you, you must!  I know financially it will difficult, to say the least.  Go on government assistance if you have to.  Go online and research where to get help, but do something to get yourself and your children out of this situation.

Carolyn


Hello Andrea, I'm sorry it's taken something as tragic as this to get me off of my backside to post, but you have a lot of friends here who love and want to help you, please listen to them before any permanent damage is done.

Love you lots.      Helena   xxx
« Last Edit: 02/07/2006 22:56:04 by neilep »
 

Offline osuisbest

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Re: passing out
« Reply #29 on: 03/07/2006 01:55:51 »
ok, first of all thank you all for the wonderful words of encouragement.   i appreciate them immensly.  no neil i am not joking.  i am being serious.  but things have actually gotten better then what they were.  so i will gladly take this over what used to be.  but i was serious about what could actually happen to the human brain when this happens.  

secondly,  none of this ever happens in front of the children.  so no worries there.  and he is an abolutely wonderful father.  he is really good with the children.  

but  i didnt ask the question for pity or anything like that.  i was really curious as to the science part of it.  i know yall may not understand but that is ok.  thanks again.








 

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Re: passing out
« Reply #30 on: 03/07/2006 02:57:48 »
I do not regard placing the life of the mother at risk as being a good father.

I would also question whether the children are really as unaware of what is going on as you might think.  Children tend to know a lot more about what happens behind closed doors than they are capable to expressing in words.

The fact that this has not happened recently does not sound that encouraging to me.  Unless your husband has actively sought treatment for his problem, then the underlying problem remains, and I would ask what assurance you have that it will not happen again in the future.

Lets put it this way, if some time in the future, things get to the point that you don't wake up again, and he will end up in court on a murder charge, who will be looking after the children then?

No-one (or at least I speak for myself) is pitying you – we are frightened for you, and frightened for your children (even if he does not hurt them, he may still leave them orphans) – that goes beyond any notion of pity.



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Offline neilep

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Re: passing out
« Reply #31 on: 03/07/2006 03:22:04 »
quote:
Originally posted by osuisbest

ok, first of all thank you all for the wonderful words of encouragement.   i appreciate them immensly.  no neil i am not joking.  i am being serious.  but things have actually gotten better then what they were.  so i will gladly take this over what used to be.  but i was serious about what could actually happen to the human brain when this happens.  

secondly,  none of this ever happens in front of the children.  so no worries there.  and he is an abolutely wonderful father.  he is really good with the children.  

but  i didnt ask the question for pity or anything like that.  i was really curious as to the science part of it.  i know yall may not understand but that is ok.  thanks again.















 THANK YOU Andrea for posting. We're all relieved to hear from you.

Everything George says is correct. I would also urge your husband...in fact both of you to seek counselling...please !!

George is right....we're not pitying you at all and we realise you are not asking for pity....but the concern for your furure well being and those of your children is paramount....including your husbands....

..please do not fall into what appears to be a false sense of security...... and please do not be frustrated at our concern...which is deep and sincere...

...as George says....next time......maybe the last time !!

Men are the same as women, just inside out !
« Last Edit: 03/07/2006 03:23:05 by neilep »
 

Offline ukmicky

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Re: passing out
« Reply #32 on: 03/07/2006 03:37:34 »
Andrea

Please dont tell him you spoke to anyone on this site or any site regarding his problem as he may take it badly .

Michael
« Last Edit: 03/07/2006 03:42:56 by ukmicky »
 

Offline Karen W.

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Re: passing out
« Reply #33 on: 03/07/2006 09:00:05 »
Andrea , I am going to tell you something that happened to a very dear friend of mine many years ago. It still feels like yesterday. I went to High school with this young girl we were friends for along time and after High school My friend fell deeply in love with a man who treated her so wonderfully. He was everything she wanted. He treated her like a queen. He was a bit possesive of her and loved spending his time with just her! He did not want to socialize alot, but that was nothing to her as she enjoyed their time together. After about a year he asked her to marry him, she accepted with no worries, he was perfect! After they were married things were good for  awhile and then she noticed he was wanting to be around their friends less and less, as well as her family. She just felt he loved her so much that he had a hard time sharing her with others, so over a few months he began talking about moving to this little island off from the San Francisco coast line. He purchased this home on the island. The only one on it. They moved in and she thought it was beautiful , kind of exotic, having to boat in and boat out to reach the mainland. After a month or two she became bored , needing to see her family and friends, when she said she was going to go vsit he was angry, as he was at work. He told her that she could not go and he wanted her to stay home. She laughed it off and thought nothing of it. She went and visited her family for a couple of days and when she came back he acted as if nothing was wrong. When she arose to go take him across the island in the morning, he said, well let me take the boat as It needs some repair, I'll pick it up after work. Do you need anything. She told him no, its ok. Well she called her family and told them about the boat and how things were ok. This happened again the next day and for several more days, except that the excuses stopped. He just started telling her she could not go inland. She started making calls to family, and the relationship was getting kind of tense as she was feeling trapped! Then one morning when they got up  she  told him that her mom was going to come and pick her up that day. He was irate and grabbed the phone and called her mother and told her they had had a change in plans and had to be somewhere else so they would have to make it another day! Apparently after the call he ripped out the phone lines and began beating her with the phone. She fought back and  they found cord marks around her neck where he tried to strangle her and had failed.  She had been chased throughout the house being shot at with a gun multiple gun wounds in her lower body and then he moved upwards to her torso until she could not run. He shot her many times in the head as if all the others were not bad enough. The house was filled with blood. He then left her there, still alive as I was told. They found her body several days later when her family had not heard back from her. They had called the police and the police went and found her lifeless body crumpled down across the entry to the house door.

Andrea her family tried to help, we all did, but we were not fast enough to recognise the signs, he wanted to isolate her , keep her where he and his could see her comings and goings. He made transportation difficult so she could not come and go without his knowlede or consent. After reading her diaries, we found out he had not been the man we had all thought he was. He had tried hurting her and had beaten her on several occassions. even tried choking her. He was always sorry she wrote and she just knew that she could fix the problem by loving him more. She had stated that after they had married he became much different then before the wedding.

 I miss my friend and I will never be able to see her again. She was young and beautiful as you are. She was fun and full of life, and he just took it with no regards to her or her family. No remorse! When the police found him he was cornered and he shot himself in the head! There was never a chance for her family to tell her they loved her so, and never achance for me to tell her how special she was and what a dear friend she was to me. We were all left with if only I had; or I should have; Life is precious Andrea  It is a gift. You are a precious gift as are your children.
   
    This does not just affect you, It is affecting your children as well, weather they see it or not. Your family, your friends and defineitely yourself.  Andrea, It  is not ok!  You are not safe and neither are your children. When he is done with you where do you think he will turn? Your little girl or your other beautiful children! He will need some way to satisfy his need to over power or control whatever situation he is in!

I know you think things are a bit better then they were, but that won't last and you are in serious danger friend! We love you and we have grown  so fond of your friendship. All we want is for your safety to be assured!  Please Andrea don't allow it to go on!....much luv and concern, No pity at all! ......Karen

« Last Edit: 03/07/2006 18:31:58 by Karen W. »
 

Offline neilep

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Re: passing out
« Reply #34 on: 03/07/2006 13:10:23 »
Andrea, I do hope you digest tha horrifc event retold by Karen. She mentioned it to me once,  and to get the full gist of it like that is mind numbing.

Andrea...please don't end up as another statistic....you owe it to yourself...and you owe it to your children. For heavens sake girl !!...it may  appear that things are better now but I urge you that it's just an illusion.

We can tell you regret mentioning it in the first place ,but it's only a matter of time before he has his hands round your throat again !!...please don't be scared to contact Karen...email her...she will give you her phone number.....do it NOW !!!

Men are the same as women, just inside out !
 

Offline Karen W.

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Re: passing out
« Reply #35 on: 03/07/2006 19:30:23 »
You Know Andrea I told you what happened to my friend, It was several years ago, I could tell you three more just like it and even more horrific that have happened to people and families I know including three of my cousins! I really shutter to relive things like that!
  When Kelly my friend was killed, I remember sitting and trying to understsand why she stayed, and it frightened me that she felt the same as you. After talking to her family, they knew things were getting out of hand, but she thought it was getting better and she could fix it!
   I was hundreds of miles away and when the details of the whole thing hit me, I was horrified as I still am today! I know it was horrific , the scene there.  I know I only got a watered down version of the whole blood bath. I believe if I were to know all the details, I would not have been able to take it.  Honey, you are so beautiful and so are those children please don't let anyone take that light from your eyes.You are a caring loving Mother and as such you need to see the whole picture and get out, if not for yourself, then do it for them. My children  are much older then yours  and let me tell you, Your children know everything that happens to you weather they see it or not.
   You say it has been better lately! Well If you think that is true, tell me what kind of punishment your getting these days when he gets angry? Does that mean the choking is only happening on a weekly basis or that he is just punching you or what? How has it got better?
   You say we don't understand, but thats ok.  You seem to be a religious person and speaking from that I must say that God did not give you to him to be his punching bag or for him to take his anger out on you!
  I have believed in God for my entire life, because God kept me and I was given a vision at a very early age of his great love and compassion. Andrea as a very young child I died three times, My heart stopped and I quit breathing. Each time I  came to know the truth, that God does exist and he lives within us. I know that when I died I went to a place that was so bright you would think it would blind you, but it was peacefull and gentle and calming and warm. I know you  are going to think I am a nut, but I don't care, I heard Gods voice and was comforted by his words and held in his warm arms. He told me I needed to stay here with my family and that there was much for me to do. Now let me tell you at this point in time I was only a baby who had not been taught religion. I was visited three times after dying three times before they had been able to finally keep me alive. Andrea, I still have that warmth spread over me now and then and I remember his spirit and comforting and his words. You know how when you try to recall your first or earliest memories. Those are my first memories, They are not of a loving mother or fun event, they are a memory of my death and the comforting bright light and his voice telling me There were things for me to do here on earth!
   I don't tell alot of people about those details and feeling my body move out of itself and float above me in the room. Being able to see everthing that was happening around me and not feeling any pain as Gods arms were wrapped around me!   I don't pretend to know why I was given the knowledge of his absolute existance but I thank him daily for doing that for me! Many people go their whole life without believing, and that does not make them bad or anything else. I think that there are reasons each of us have certain knowledge or lack of it. I don't understand it all, but I do know in my own heart that God exists and that he wants us to help ourselves, he gives us the tools to do so, and I don't think for a moment he wants us to waste them or ignore what he has given us. We have a body capable of great learning and incredible knowledge. We have to help ourselves  and use the resources he gave us, before he can help us. Yes he is always there,even when we don't listen and fall on our faces. We have free will to believe or not, I don't believe God will punish us for disbelief, I think that it takes certain life events for some to really believe. Then it is just a matter of belief.  Some people never will, but thats because we are all different and learn differently. Andrea you know you are in danger , so are your children. Please make sure you protect and take care of what a special gift you have been given, weather you are religious or not! Children are a gift regaurdless of how you believe they were given to you! What ever you decide is up to you and you are ultimately reponsible for how you handle the knowledge you have and how you use it! I only hope you can make the changes in time! All My love is with you Friend......Karen
 

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Re: passing out
« Reply #36 on: 03/07/2006 20:19:21 »
Andrea,

Ofcourse I don't personally know about your situation – what you are going through is totally alien to anything I have experienced in my life, but as Karen has highlighted, your situation is far from unique.  Many others have thought they were in the situation that you believe you are in.  They too thought they could cope with, and felt they had a duty of loyalty to cope with it (and maybe just could not face the feeling of failure if they walked out on their marriage).  And many of them were carried out in a coffin, long before they should have been.  The statistics are there, even if my own experience is (and I say very thankfully) not as personally linked as Karen's is to such matters.

Loyalty is one thing, taking risks with your children's future (even if there is no physical harm to them, the risk of them becoming orphans is too great, and the likelihood that they will know what is going on is not a probability, it is a certainty, if not yet, then very soon as they grow up).

I don't know what sex your children are – but I would ask you this, if you had a daughter, and she grew up, and found herself in the position you find yourself – what advice would you give her?

I know it is always more difficult to accept advice than to give it, so I ask, what advice would you give to someone else like you?



George
 

Offline tootsie78

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Re: passing out
« Reply #37 on: 03/07/2006 21:44:27 »
Andrea!!!  Please email me!!!  You know you can talk to me, as we've talked several times before!!!  PLEASE!  This is a serious situation!  Nothing to brush off casually!  I'll be waiting for your email!

*Joy*
 

Offline mamaoftwo

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Re: passing out
« Reply #38 on: 03/07/2006 21:46:37 »
Hi All,
I am new and I was looking around and I found this topic, to Andrea I would just like to say I'm sorry for your situation, I have been in that same situation I left and you should too.  I know its hard believe me I know but the sooner you can realize that when your husband puts his hands on you he doesn't love or respect you as a human being.  What gives him the right to lay a hand on you?? And what right does he have to put his children through it?? Even if they don't see it first hand, they can feel your pain. You shouldn't put you or your children through all of that pain. I hope things work your for you. If you need to talk I am here, I have been through your situation and my heart hurts for you.
 

Offline moonfire

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Re: passing out
« Reply #39 on: 04/07/2006 00:16:44 »
Hi Andrea!  Everything everyone is saying here is true.  I know personally how you feel and we do understand you.  The abuser never changes...it may lie dormant for a while, but the problem still exists.  Most importantly for everyone here as someone who has went through abuse, there are several things that underline this problem for Andrea.  Number one, she has kids, her mind is telling her she has no way to make ends meet and support her kids, Number two, self esteem is an issue as she feels like she loves him and thinks in her own way she does deserve it as her life is threatened and no matter what there is verbal abuse with this physical and it sinks into our brains when you are told that over and over...Andrea you have a lot of support here and know we love you dearly...he hasn't went anywhere to get help through anger management, or any type of courses...you deserve to live and so do your kids...they also deserve a mother.  I know by the way you wrote, that you aren't looking at getting out...but you do need to have a back up plan and think about what you could do to get out even with your beautiful kids!  You may not want to go to the shelter that Karen posted, BUT...you can go over to parents, sisters/brothers, even in your church I bet they have a support program for these type of issues and will help!  They have counselors there who will be glad to assist you I am sure!  I have seen the website you showed me...it is awesome!  My ex used to tell me I wasn't no good, I didn't deserve no one or anything, I was a low down scum of the earth...etc..I know this doesn't feel good...but we are here to help you.  You withdraw from loved ones as you don't want to let them know, but if they did...they would help you out more than you think!  You are a beautiful woman, with beautiful kids...you have a good head on your shoulder!  You are smart!  You can make it!  I had 3 little boys who were the ages of your children when I had to leave the house!  Eventually, my kids saw the abuse...he used to hide it from everyone...but then he didn't care even in front of his own family members.  Don't feel sorry for him, even if you have to get a protective order.  You have a life and so much ahead of it!  You are so full of love even for him and no one is saying that is wrong...but he needs help!  You can't change him...he has to change and want to change.  It took me 7 years to escape this situation.. I couldn't see what everyone was saying to me.  I made up excuses for bruises, black eyes, cuts, choking, and etc...Finally, I woke up one day and left...oh, I left many times..but always came back.  Then my eyesight changed towards him...I don't know how it did, but by the grace of God!  You are strong!!  I know we have IM'ed each other and I know it!  You are very creative!  I support you in whatever decision you make, but please put a plan in place...everytime he gives you money, do not give him back the change, you keep it or some of it and hide it, make a 2nd set of keys to the car, talk to your best friend as she will love you, support you, and advise you with your plan.  Look at places to live, look up social services to help financially and medically with the kids.  There is nothing wrong with a plan...a plan offers some security...okay?  IM, me, I will be off the rest of today and tonight!  Hugs to you!  I know this is hard...but you are loved here!

"Lo" Loretta
 

Offline Grecian

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Re: passing out
« Reply #40 on: 04/07/2006 07:30:55 »
Andrea - I too was in an abusive relationship. Like Lo. I was made to feel worthless, made up excuses for the bruising. My ex. was possesive and would find any excuse to hit me. He told me to never even contemplate on leaving him, and that if he couldn't have me he would cut up my face so badly, so that no one else would want me.
To cut a long story short,I moved in with a friend. Enough was enough.
I did not go back.......I took out a restrainng order...started divorce proceedings......best thing I ever did, put an end to a bad marriage.

Good luck my friend

Love you lots.

Helena   xxx
« Last Edit: 04/07/2006 08:57:04 by Grecian »
 

Offline Karen W.

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Re: passing out
« Reply #41 on: 04/07/2006 10:40:55 »
What to do if you are a Victim


Call 911 if you are in danger or need help.

Talk to a friend or relative you trust for moral support.

Contact your local domestic violence assistance program or the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-339-SAFE. Domestic violence programs can assist you in finding out about laws, shelters, counseling and financial assistance.

If your friends or relatives are aware of your situation, set up signal code words either by phone or alternative methods that informs them that the situation at home is violent.

If you have children, notify the school of any possible threats and/or the current custody situation. Make sure the school knows who can and cannot pick up the children and/or receive information about them or you.

If you plan on leaving the home, make sure you have a plan. Keep an emergency bag with someone you trust that contains a change of clothes for yourself and for your children, an extra set of keys, copies of important documents and emergency cash. Take important papers and documents of yourself and of your children with you. Important papers may include: identification cards, social security cards, birth certificates, marriage license, checkbooks, property titles, credit cards, bank statements, pay check stubs (yours and your spouse's). Also, take with you documentation of past abuse (i.e. photos, police reports, medical records, etc.).

What you can do if your spouse threatens to take your children away:

Immediately obtain a custody order. The order can include an order to prohibit your spouse from taking the children from the county or country in which you live.

Give a copy of the custody order to the children's schools and let them know not to release the children to anyone but you or someone you designate.

Make sure you keep recent photos, passports, and birth certificates of the children. Keep a list of addresses and phone numbers of your spouse's friends and relatives whether they are local or in his country of origin.

 

Offline Karen W.

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Re: passing out
« Reply #42 on: 04/07/2006 10:46:10 »
Andrea, did you call me tonight! A call came in about 7:46 PM California time. Hubby said,  The women hung up, was it you! Please call back if it was I really want to help you. It is 2 :48 AM Calif. time. There are alot of us here that want to help, maybe someone closer then california. I will do what I can from here. You have to be strong!
 

Offline Karen W.

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Re: passing out
« Reply #43 on: 04/07/2006 10:49:47 »
Theories about domestic violence



LEARNED HELPLESSNESS THEORY

This theory explores the psychological rationale for why battered women stay with their abusers. It was found that people who were subjected repeated imprisonment and/or painful stimuli over which they had no control they soon ceased any attempts to escape or to avoid harm. Often the battered woman feels she can't escape.

THE STOCKHOLM SYNDROME

This theory can be applied to the issue of why battered women love and protect their abusers. When a person is threatened with death by a captor who is also kind in some ways and the threatened person is isolated from outsiders, the hostage develops a fondness for the captor, and an antipathy toward authorities working for release.

THEORY OF POWER AND CONTROL

This theory points to a hierarchical social structure as laying the foundation for the context in which battering occurs. The person on top has power over the person on the bottom. A system of tactics is used to maintain control of the person on the bottom.

ADDITIONAL FACTS ABOUT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

Every 15 seconds a woman is physically assaulted within her home.

Domestic Violence is the most common cause of injury to women, exceeding auto accidents, muggings and rapes combined.

Approximately 95% of the victims of domestic violence are women.

An estimated three to four million American women are abused each year by their husbands or partners.

Research suggests that wife-beating results in more injuries that require medical treatment than rape, auto accidents, and muggings combined.

Each year, more than 800,000 women seek medical assistance for injuries caused by battering.

20% of women seeking emergency surgical procedures are victims of domestic violence.

Between two and four thousand women are beaten to death each year.

Violence will occur at least once in two thirds of all marriages.

The National Crime Survey data shows that once a woman is victimized by domestic violence, her risk of being victimized again is high. During a six-month period, following an incident of domestic violence, approximately 32% of women are victimized again.
 

Offline moonfire

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Re: passing out
« Reply #44 on: 04/07/2006 10:51:51 »
This is good Karen!  Funny, I am thinking back and remember taking documents with me and I did this too when I was in a fire and was so amazed people took a tv or chest of drawers out of the apartmentos when the fire was going on...hmmm...

Yes andrea...make copies of any proof and photos make sure you have a friend you can trust and take this stuff over too...I would take your documents too!  

On the school bit, check with your state as most states either spouse has a right to pick children up until they obtain a temporary legal document that states you are the petitioner with temporary custody of the children...school may make copies too!  I used to work for the District Attorney and set up protective orders or restraining orders for abused women...so double check Andrea...Just have your plan in place...you can always make copies of your originals if need be for your house in case you need them...just a thought, but take originals over to girlfriend or families houses....it will save you bunches of time as you will have to move quickly...and the set of clothes...take at least 4 sets for each as you have little ones...plus, the local police will assist you to go back to your house if you need to move your stuff and kids too...just start a plan...it is okay if you don't leave now...just get a plan in motion girl!  hugs to you and the kids!  We know you love your husband...there is nothing wrong with that...but you have turned your cheek once and twice already...okay?  Love to you!

"Lo" Loretta
 

Offline Karen W.

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Re: passing out
« Reply #45 on: 04/07/2006 10:53:38 »
There Is A Cycle To Domestic Violence
Tension Phase This is the tension-building phase. The man becomes edgy, critical, and just plain irritable. He doesn’t need a reason to feel this way. She knows what's coming, and she may try to pacify him. That's a waste of time. (In some instances it actually triggers the second phase.) Being around the abuser during this phase is like walking on eggshells. Basically, the woman is in a Catch 22 because he may take it as a challenge, which will set him off; and if she says nothing, he feels that she is withdrawing and not giving him the attention he wants. (Bottom line: he wants to control her.)As he gets more and more tense, there is the inevitable escalation, starting with small incidents involving yelling, slapping, and calling her names "whore" or "****". She may try to pacify him, but he's on to her quickly, escalating with his own techniques for rendering her helpless and releasing his rage. If she acts nice and sweet, he feels she's giving him license to let her have it. If she challenges him, she's gone. This can go on for days; it can even go on for years.Some women actually get so edgy that they finally do or say just the thing that will "make him lose it”. This is not to say that the woman’s in control, but only that many victims feel that if they get that part over, go through the violence, they’ll be back to "normal."
    
•   often begins with victim's pregnancy, batterer is threatened by new person and loss of attention
    
•   victim knows he’s angry but doesn’t know why. She blames self, tries to pacify
    
•   verbal abuse begins (this is when couple needs to talk about it but they don’t)
    
•   very common for batterer to put fist through wall in this phase, tension is very high
    
•   all the other PATTERNS of non-physical abuse we looked at before on page 2 come into play here.
    
Battering PhaseHe "loses it" and gets violent. Some women experience emotional brutality, but usually the violence is physical; it can lead to her death. The rage is blind and senseless. The man is transformed into a madman. A woman will describe her husband as physically transformed: his eyes bulge; the pupils are dilated; he is seething with rage. Some men rage until they nearly pass out, while others become calmer and calmer as they pulverize everything and everyone in sight. These are some of our solid and upright citizens ˆ civic leaders and professionals who seem to be examples of success when they're out in society, and "regular guys" who seem to be very gentle and kind.It's important to realize that most women who kill their batterers do so before he gets to this stage. They know what is coming, and they kill him because they believe he will kill them. But most bettered women don't kill their husbands, and most batterers do not kill their victims.
    
•   his adrenaline explodes
    
•   he beats her up, throws her against things
    
•   all the PATTERNS of physical abuse that we discussed before come into action during this phase.
    
Repentance/Honeymoon PhaseAfter the brutality, Mr. Hyde reverts to the smart and charming Dr. Jekyll: the psychopath disappears and is replaced by an often sweet, loving and very contrite man. Unless you see this transformation, it is hard to believe that the two can be the same man. By this time the battered woman is in such a physical and mental state that she is putty in his hands. While he acts sweet, psychologists believe he is actually working his psychological tactics, digging the claws of control more deeply into her soul. He cons her into thinking that only a loving woman could put up with his level of abuse, that she's the key to his emotional well-being. He wants her to feel that he depends on her for forgiveness; at the same time, she thinks that this is how she'll get back the "real" man. She believes that his violent side is not the real person; rather, the "sweet" side is. She doesn’t understand that the reverse is true; the sweet side is a con, a lie, a more sophisticated tactic to get deeper into her and suck the life out of her. This is precisely what these sick men live for. It is important that batterers be seen for what they are. These men kill helpless women. They brutalize pregnant women and often cause miscarriages or even kill the mother. They lead some women to suicide or murder.The magic window of opportunity for leaving is during phase one or between phases two and three. Before he gets her back into bed, she must leave. The part between the "honeymoon," phase three, and the tension-building stage, phase one, is often the only time in their lives they are happy together.
    
•   The kids are happy, the world seems perfect. It is really hard for her to leave in that period.
    
•   doesn't exhibit violence in any way
    
•   lots of loving phone calls, sweeps her off feet, persistent loving attention, gifts and affection
    
•   he controls with love
    
•   "Don't go be with your friends, I want you to be with me"
    
•   he is calculating, does not lose his temper, stays with her all the time, she can't go anyplace alone
    
•   batterer is so repentant, so loving the victim truly believes it won't happen again and so does batterer
    
•   victim accepts blame when she sees him so repentant
    
•   both try to make everything right
    
Then they may go back into the first phase, but it is only a matter of time until tension builds again, from the areas in his life where he‚s not in control, and the cycle repeats itself again and again.When the explosion comes, she may call 911, but often by the time the police arrive, the man is calm, and back in control. Maybe the house is a mess; the woman is probably hysterical. Who are the police going to believe? If they are uninformed about a domestic abuse problem, they see a sobbing woman, a calm man, and a messy house. If there are children, they may be crying. This is where education is so important. Rather than arresting the husband or boyfriend, the police may arrest her if the husband insists that she was the violent person. They may tell her that if she insists on his arrest, she will have to go to the police station, while the kids will be put into foster care. Such episodes actually happen, though education is changing that. One thing you can do right now is find out what arrest policy and training program your police department has. If it does not have a domestic violence program, insist that one be started. Write letters to the editor of your local paper and speak with others about the matter. Police are among the most important people in the battle against violence. They must learn about it, and the law must provide for the arrest of a batterer when the woman reaches out for help.
« Last Edit: 04/07/2006 11:01:53 by Karen W. »
 

Offline moonfire

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Re: passing out
« Reply #46 on: 04/07/2006 11:14:31 »
Andrea, I know this is alot of information...take your time reading it...it is overwhelming...but in reality, so is your situation...your first step is to plan..."if he doesn't ever do it again" then you have won the battle...but never knew it to not happen...I went out a 2nd floor patio door with Magnum against my hip as he pushed me threw it...I had 38 stitches in my arm and thank God my baby landed on my hip as I hit the ground...and I also had my purse...I was trying to leave as he was angry and instead of going through a front door or allowing me to...(I was hanging onto baby's hand at 19 months old)he said he was going to help me leave too....I had to put baby in vehicle lock doors...keep my arm bent to slow bleeding down...and drive a standard....baby crying and ex(who wasn't at the time)was beating out window of my truck with a rock close to son's head.  I used some choice words and said, get out of the way or die!...I was in reverse full force...but luckily he was missed...I had to keep that rock from hitting son's head through window...as it was my son's life and not his!  He did manage to break window, but son was okay...also, he had nerve enough to go up to the hospital while I was being stitched up and my son was in the emergency room with me and a nurse reported husband was there....I begged police to arrest him..they said they couldn't as this was domestic..(this was back in the 80's before the laws changed)

We had the police at my job the other day because the assistant manager was a horses batootie towards this gentleman who in end cursed her out...he talked to me the day before and that day no problem...even after he talked to her I had him calmed down...she called the police and they were going to arrest him for cursing her! The laws have changed here...check the laws there Andrea...we are begging you girl to start your plan!

"Lo" Loretta
 

Offline neilep

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Re: passing out
« Reply #47 on: 04/07/2006 13:23:44 »
It's been over 14 hours since andrea visited here.

Has anyone heard from her ?

I don't wish to put a dampener on this but if she is in denial about all of this, then she could be the subject of too much information here !!...do you understand what I mean ?

You can help someone so much that they in fact turn away.....Information is fantastic for people who want to read it !!..or seek it...someone needs to physically speak to her or even better , be close enough to hold her hand !!


Men are the same as women, just inside out !
« Last Edit: 04/07/2006 13:24:51 by neilep »
 

Offline moonfire

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Re: passing out
« Reply #48 on: 04/07/2006 14:30:53 »
Yes, it is too much and it is overwhelming, but it will be a library of resource for her.  It would have been too much for me to take in..yes, this is true Neil..someone needs to be her ear and hopefully she will go to a safe place like a bestfriend...

"Lo" Loretta
 

Offline neilep

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Re: passing out
« Reply #49 on: 04/07/2006 14:44:42 »
quote:
Originally posted by moonfire

Yes, it is too much and it is overwhelming, but it will be a library of resource for her.  It would have been too much for me to take in..yes, this is true Neil..someone needs to be her ear and hopefully she will go to a safe place like a bestfriend...

"Lo" Loretta



Thanks LO..

..I'm very contemplative today...may not be on my best...I hope you don't think I'm a killjoy about all this awesome information here..but after scrolling up and down.......... it's quite scary !!...but you're right of course...it's a fantastic resource and also...it's a fitting tribute to the wonder of human nature and the capacity we have to demonstrate our affection and the ability we have to care...it's humbling and rekindles confidence that there is indeed GOOD people out there....



Men are the same as women, just inside out !
« Last Edit: 04/07/2006 14:45:53 by neilep »
 

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Re: passing out
« Reply #49 on: 04/07/2006 14:44:42 »

 

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