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Author Topic: Feeling low.......................post a joke  (Read 20273 times)

Offline Mirage

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Feeling low.......................post a joke
« on: 13/10/2006 19:32:48 »
The Seven Dwarfs and the Pope

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they have requested an audience, and as they are THE Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack.

"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?" Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Holiness, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment, and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers "Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back and says, "Your extreme holiness! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"

After consulting with his advisors, the Pope responds, "I'm sorry my son, there're no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world." The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing and pounding the floor, tears streaming down their cheeks as they begin chanting.....

"Dopey shagged a penguin! Dopey shagged a penguin!"

-------------------------
Flying Monkey Slayer AKA The Big Cheese says:

Of all the things I have lost, I miss my mind the most


 

Offline Gaia

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #1 on: 13/10/2006 20:42:12 »
What's the difference between light and hard?

You can sleep with a light on.

Gaia  xxx
 

Offline Carolyn

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #2 on: 13/10/2006 21:58:39 »
HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAha.  LOL  Thanks for both of those.  I needed a good laugh.  More please.

Carolyn
 

Offline Karen W.

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #3 on: 14/10/2006 16:18:52 »
Yes Those are funny! GAia I had to read that several times before it bit me on the behind! Very funny!

Karen
 

Offline Carolyn

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #4 on: 15/10/2006 03:46:37 »
quote:
Originally posted by Gaia

What's the difference between light and hard?

You can sleep with a light on.

Gaia  xxx



Told this joke to my mom.  Her response was "I don't get it", and then all of a sudden, she just guffawed.  Watching the 'light' go on over her head was almost as funny as the joke.  Thanks!!

Carolyn
 

Offline Grecian

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #5 on: 15/10/2006 14:22:51 »


Yeah, feeling low....don't have any good jokes

to share, so please keep them coming in.



Love you lots


Helena  xx




« Last Edit: 15/10/2006 14:44:26 by Grecian »
 

Offline Gaia

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #6 on: 15/10/2006 16:41:49 »
What's up hun?



*Martha's Way*
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
 
*Muriel's Way *
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!
 
*Martha's Way*
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
 
*Muriel's Way *
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix, keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

*Martha's Way*
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
 
*Muriel's Way *
Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you.

*Martha's Way*
If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."

*Muriel's Way *
If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!"
 
*Martha's Way*
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
 
*Muriel's Way *
Celery? Never heard of it!

*Martha's Way*
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish

*Muriel's Way *
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I don't.
 
*Martha's Way*
Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

*Muriel's Way *
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!

*Martha's Way*
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

*Muriel's Way *
Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.

*Martha's Way*
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

*Muriel's Way *
Leftover wine???????????
HELLO !!!!!!!

As usual, if you don't forward this to 1 of your friends within the next 5 minutes, your belly button will fall off. Really... it's true! Have I ever lied to you?


Gaia  xxx
 

Offline Carolyn

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #7 on: 15/10/2006 16:50:29 »
OMG.  That sounds so much like my mom and me.  BTW, her name is Martha.  Must email it now.  Don't want my belly button falling off.:D

Carolyn
« Last Edit: 15/10/2006 16:51:00 by Carolyn »
 

Offline Gaia

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #8 on: 15/10/2006 16:54:12 »
HOW TO ADVOID THE FLU
 
Eat right!
 
Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
 
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.

Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.
 
Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
 
Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.

Get lots of fresh air. Open doors & windows whenever possible.

Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

Get plenty of rest.

OR
 
Take the doctor's approach.

Think about it...
When you go for a shot,
what do they do first?
They Clean your arm with alcohol...
Why?
Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.
So.......
 
I walk to the liquor store. (exercise)
I put lime in my Corona...(fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air)
Tell jokes, laugh...(eliminate stress)
Then pass out. (rest)
The way I see it...
 
If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can't get you!

My grandmother always said, "A shot in the glass is better than one in the butt!"

Live Well - Laugh Often - Love Much


Gaia  xxx
 

Offline Karen W.

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #9 on: 16/10/2006 09:21:04 »
Gaia thats pretty funny, I like your Grandma, she sounds like a smart women.. even though I don't drink, I have had some in my time .. still very funny!  

How are you Helena? Are you feeling better yet? Glad to see you post again..

Karen
 

Offline Mirage

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #10 on: 16/10/2006 16:34:20 »
Three men one American, one Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.

"That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

Paddy felt decidedly low-tech. So as not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to toilet. He returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his arse.

The others raised their eyebrows and said, "Wow! What's that?""I'm getting a fax," he explains.

-------------------------
Flying Monkey Slayer AKA The Big Cheese says:

Of all the things I have lost, I miss my mind the most
 

Offline Mirage

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #11 on: 16/10/2006 16:36:33 »
Breakfast Time

A little boy came down to breakfast. Since they lived on a farm, this mother asked if he had done his tasks. "Not yet", said the little boy.

His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his tasks. Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.

He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well", his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I ?"

-------------------------
Flying Monkey Slayer AKA The Big Cheese says:

Of all the things I have lost, I miss my mind the most
 

Offline Karen W.

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #12 on: 16/10/2006 17:20:43 »
DAniel those are great "old" jokes, I like em they are funny!! I am amazed that I have heard them and recognize them..

Karen
 

Offline Grecian

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #13 on: 16/10/2006 18:04:17 »



Wonderful Dan - it's the first time I heard them -

I laughed until I cried.



Love you lots

Helena xx



 

Offline Mirage

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #14 on: 16/10/2006 18:14:22 »
quote:
Originally posted by Grecian




Wonderful Dan - it's the first time I heard them -

I laughed until I cried.



Love you lots

Helena xx







How are you feeling today hun? I noticed you were feeling a little low yesterday.

Anything I can help with :)

-------------------------
Flying Monkey Slayer AKA The Big Cheese says:

Of all the things I have lost, I miss my mind the most
 

Offline Grecian

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #15 on: 16/10/2006 19:21:56 »



Thanks Dan, and all you lovely peeps,

I'm feeling a little better today.



Love you lots.

Helena xx






 

Offline Mirage

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #16 on: 16/10/2006 19:31:57 »
Well if you ever need to talk I'm all ears, well not literally all ears but you know what I mean ;)

But honestly, I can be a good listener

-------------------------
Flying Monkey Slayer AKA The Big Cheese says:

Of all the things I have lost, I miss my mind the most
 

Offline Grecian

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #17 on: 16/10/2006 19:49:36 »



Thanks Dan. - you're a sweetie.



Love you lots

Helena xx



 

Offline Mirage

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #18 on: 16/10/2006 20:02:56 »
Well I'm here for you and everyone else because I like you all so darn much [:X]

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Flying Monkey Slayer AKA The Big Cheese says:

Of all the things I have lost, I miss my mind the most
 

Offline Grecian

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #19 on: 16/10/2006 20:30:35 »



I'm sure the feeling is mutual.


Love you lots.


Helena xx




 

Offline tony6789

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #20 on: 16/10/2006 20:37:34 »
the weather for tonight calls for darkness..

NEVER! underestimate youth
 

Offline moonfire

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #21 on: 17/10/2006 04:56:59 »
I can't even think funny tonight...I can hear funny, I see funny, I look funny...but cannot speak or type funny

"Just Me, Lo" Loretta
 

Offline Karen W.

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #22 on: 17/10/2006 07:27:21 »
WHATS WRONG LORETTA?? CAN I HELP?

Karen
 

Offline science_guy

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #23 on: 17/10/2006 16:18:10 »
There were three men in a helicopter, a japanese man, a canadian, and an american.  They were each going to drop somthing to represent their country.

The pilot gave the signal, and the japanese man dropped a coconut, the canadian dropped a banana peel, and the american dropped a bomb.

As the three men left the helicopter, the japanese man noticed a chiled sitting near a tree, crying.  As he asked why he was crying, he explained that a coconut fell from the sky and hit him on the head.

The canadian also noticed a little boy crying, and found that the child slipped on a banana peel that he had not noticed.

As the american neared his destination, he found a boy in his young teens laughing histerically.  When he asked why he was laughing so hard, he found that his friend farted, and his house blew up.

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I would engage you in a battle of wits, but it is against my moral code to attack the unarmed.
 

Offline Mirage

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #24 on: 17/10/2006 18:44:37 »
LOL

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.


Our local chemist was robbed last week and a quantity of viagra was stolen.
Police say that they are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.


At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conferencing.

Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the barman: "In 'Strailya, we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a Fosters, mate."

Bob, CEO of Budweiser calls out next: "In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all - gimme a Bud."

Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das beer. Give me un Helles, ze REAL King of beers."

Jan, chief executive of Grolsch follows by stating that Grolsch is the ultimate beer and asks for one with two fingers of head on top.

Patrick, CEO of Guinness, steps forward: "Barman, give me a diet coke with ice and lemon. please".

The other four stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces.

Eventually Bruce asks: "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?"

Patrick replies "Well, if you pansies aren't drinking, then neither am I"



-------------------------
Flying Monkey Slayer AKA The Big Cheese says:

Of all the things I have lost, I miss my mind the most
 

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #24 on: 17/10/2006 18:44:37 »

 

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