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Author Topic: Feeling low.......................post a joke  (Read 20265 times)

Offline moonfire

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #50 on: 21/10/2006 03:42:20 »
LOL  Gaia, classic darling!

"Just Me, Lo" Loretta
 

Offline Gaia

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #51 on: 21/10/2006 10:14:14 »
The Desert Island

To lighten the gloom,  herewith a story...............

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck;

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman.

2 French men and 1 French woman.

2 German men and 1 German woman.

2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman.

2 English men and 1 English woman.

2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman.

2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman.

2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman.

2 American men and 1 American woman.

2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman.

One month later on the same absolutely stunning deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred;

One Italian man   has killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating  visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The Englishmen  have  tried,  so far without success, to set up an escape committee and a cricket match. The  Englishwoman has arranged to sleep with each of the  Englishmen on alternate months, but with the proviso that  they only have sex after dark, and  each man  promises not to tell the other about their arrangements.  

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the Bulgarian woman and started to swim.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor shop, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their business.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps
- complaining endlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do,
- the necessity of fulfilment,
- the equal division of household chores,  
- how sand and palm trees make her look fat,
- how her last boyfriend respected her opinions and treated her nicer than they do,
- and how her relationship with her mother is improving.

The two Irishmen divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they are satisfied because they don't think the English are having  much fun.


Gaia  xxx
 

sharkeyandgeorge

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #52 on: 21/10/2006 20:51:10 »
a man is sailing round the world and crashes on a desert island with only a pig and a dog for company after a couple of months he is so desperate for sex that he decides he just has too shag something and starts sneeking up on the pig but as he starts to get into position the dog bites him on the arse and runs away, this continues for months every time the man feels amourous the dog bites just as he gets started and ruins it until finally many months later the man sees another boat floundering out on the rock and swims out and rescues a stunning blond girl who whisper in his ear.
"thank god for you, for saving my life I will do ANYTHING you want"
the man turns to her with a tear in his eye and replies
"please....please....please take that ****ing dog for a walk!"
 

Offline moonfire

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #53 on: 21/10/2006 22:57:31 »
quote:
Originally posted by Gaia

The Desert Island

To lighten the gloom,  herewith a story...............

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck;

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman.

2 French men and 1 French woman.

2 German men and 1 German woman.

2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman.

2 English men and 1 English woman.

2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman.

2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman.

2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman.

2 American men and 1 American woman.

2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman.

One month later on the same absolutely stunning deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred;

One Italian man   has killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating  visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The Englishmen  have  tried,  so far without success, to set up an escape committee and a cricket match. The  Englishwoman has arranged to sleep with each of the  Englishmen on alternate months, but with the proviso that  they only have sex after dark, and  each man  promises not to tell the other about their arrangements.  

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the Bulgarian woman and started to swim.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor shop, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their business.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps
- complaining endlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do,
- the necessity of fulfilment,
- the equal division of household chores,  
- how sand and palm trees make her look fat,
- how her last boyfriend respected her opinions and treated her nicer than they do,
- and how her relationship with her mother is improving.

The two Irishmen divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they are satisfied because they don't think the English are having  much fun.


Gaia  xxx



LOL  This is great Gaia!:D

"Just Me, Lo" Loretta
 

Offline moonfire

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #54 on: 21/10/2006 22:58:01 »
quote:
Originally posted by sharkeyandgeorge

a man is sailing round the world and crashes on a desert island with only a pig and a dog for company after a couple of months he is so desperate for sex that he decides he just has too shag something and starts sneeking up on the pig but as he starts to get into position the dog bites him on the arse and runs away, this continues for months every time the man feels amourous the dog bites just as he gets started and ruins it until finally many months later the man sees another boat floundering out on the rock and swims out and rescues a stunning blond girl who whisper in his ear.
"thank god for you, for saving my life I will do ANYTHING you want"
the man turns to her with a tear in his eye and replies
"please....please....please take that ****ing dog for a walk!"



LOL

"Just Me, Lo" Loretta
 

Offline Karen W.

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #55 on: 22/10/2006 10:38:56 »
Hey Loretta, I don't know many jokes, but the one I heard the other day was funny but not appropriate for the forum. I heard my daughter telling my husband.. I 'll not pass it on, only listen to the funny jokes here in the forum..

Karen
« Last Edit: 22/10/2006 10:39:42 by Karen W. »
 

Offline moonfire

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #56 on: 23/10/2006 08:16:29 »
send it to me in email Karen...trying to get my jokes together and have more time to post...

"Just Me, Lo" Loretta
 

Offline Karen W.

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #57 on: 23/10/2006 08:38:43 »
No seriously the Joke inappropriate even for me, I did not mean to snicker but couldn't help it!! I'd be embarrassed to pass that one on..

Karen
 

Offline Mirage

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #58 on: 14/11/2006 19:25:08 »
I'm not feeling sad or low but had to share these with you.

Vaseline

A vaseline salesman knocks on door. A women answers.

Man- "Hello! I'm doing a survey on vaseline and
was wondering if you could answer a few
questions?"

Woman- "Certainly!"

Man- "Do you or your husband use vaseline?"

Woman- "Yes, we use it all the time."

Man- "What do you use it for?"

Woman- "For sex."

The man stands back in shock, staring at the woman.

Man- "Well, as you're so open about it, do you mind telling me how exactly you use it?"

Woman- "I don't mind at all, we put it on the door handle to keep the kids out."
 

Offline Mirage

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #59 on: 14/11/2006 19:25:35 »
Three Racehorses
Three racehorses were sitting in a bar bragging to each other about their life accomplishments.

The first horse boasts "I've been in 59 races and I've won 35 of them."

"That's nothing," says the second horse. "I've raced 97 times, and I've won 78 of them!"

The third horse joins in: "Well, I've raced 122 times and I've won 102!"

Just then, the horses hear a voice say, "I've got you all beat!"

The horses look down and see a greyhound.

"I've raced over 200 times, and I have NEVER lost!"

The horses look at the dog in amazement.






























One of them says "How about that! A talking dog!"
 

Offline Karen W.

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #60 on: 15/11/2006 05:20:11 »
LOL LOL LOL I LIKE THGOSE DANIEL!! hee hee hee right up my alley! The vaseline one was funny too. These jokes are my speed easy to understand easy laughs... YEAH How did you know I needed some jokes... Love to you DAn.. makes me feel better to laugh!
 

Offline Mirage

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #61 on: 15/11/2006 16:14:22 »
Glad you liked them hun  [:X]

I love the Horse joke to. I can imagine the horses in the pub and then being amazed at a talking dog, dry and kinda like, Oh, well, hmmmmmmm sort of way  :)
 

Offline Carolyn

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #62 on: 15/11/2006 16:18:37 »
This is an email I received from my friend Linda.  I think it's a joke, but knowing her as I do, it is entirely possible/probable that this actually occurred.

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring
the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big f****** red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
 

Offline Mirage

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #63 on: 15/11/2006 16:41:10 »
Hahahahaha, but I'm sure a diamond ring will hurt more  ;)
 

Offline Karen W.

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #64 on: 15/11/2006 16:58:42 »
I like the horse joke too!

Oh carolyn that is funny.. I bet that mood ring left quite the impression! OUUUUUCH!
« Last Edit: 16/11/2006 03:17:34 by Karen W. »
 

Offline Mirage

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #65 on: 16/11/2006 02:13:34 »
THE SINGING BULLFROG

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, and then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, which begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his free drinks, a stranger confronts him and offers him 100,000 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to 250,000 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to 500,000 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere 500,000!"

"Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
 
 

Offline Mirage

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #66 on: 16/11/2006 02:29:01 »
AN ENGLISHMAN, AN IRISHMAN AND A SCOTSMAN

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar and each orders a pint of beer. When the drinks arrive they notice that all three pints have a fly in them.

The Englishman just looks at his pint in disgust and pushes it away.

The Irishman picks out the fly with his fingers, throws it on the floor and proceeds to drink his beer.

The Scotsman picks the fly out of his pint, and holds it over the drinking saying, "Come on you little git, spit it out!"
 
 

Offline Karen W.

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #67 on: 16/11/2006 03:20:28 »
Those are funny! LOL LOL LOL LOL!!!
 

Offline science_guy

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #68 on: 16/11/2006 16:03:07 »
two men walk into a bar.








































you would think the second one would notice.
 

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #69 on: 16/11/2006 16:21:07 »
Sorry, I don't get it!
 

Offline Mirage

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #70 on: 17/11/2006 02:51:57 »
Karen it's a play on from the joke, A man walks into a bar......ouch  ;)

However, Science Guy I would have definitely been the second guy  ;)
 

Offline Karen W.

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #71 on: 17/11/2006 04:45:10 »
I still don't get it!
 

Offline science_guy

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #72 on: 17/11/2006 16:29:33 »
wouldn't you say ouch when you run head on to a metallic object? ;D
 

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #73 on: 17/11/2006 16:57:34 »
OH DEAR! That is too simple for my brain... Oh Dear Thanks Science Guy! BTW If you don't mind? What's your first name?
 

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #73 on: 17/11/2006 16:57:34 »

 

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