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Author Topic: On The 'Even' Lighter Side: Is GMT stingy?..and any other such utter nonsense :)  (Read 4565 times)

Offline Colin2B

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I just located this:  漢字仮名交じり文 ... on the dark side, can't make head nor tail of it, any thoughts?
It is dangerous to post things like this, The Box will use it as maths, particularly if no one can make heads or tails of it.
 

Offline timey

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Ah yes Colin...that makes perfect sense.  I found The Box as I made my way to the other shuttle stop.  (I wanted to check out the rising sun before heading back you see.  No point in wasting a trip).  ...It came with a board and a set of instructions including translation in English.  The name is Shogi.  It's a variant of chess!  Damn interesting game by all accounts, you can resurrect the pieces you have captured from your opponent to your own purpose.  Chess gone multi dimensional.  Fascinating!

Not sure that this will help at-all with our moon dial auto function bug though, or indeed this maths problem you mention.  Have you been provided with instructions?
 

Offline Colin2B

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Ah, checking the declination eh?
I think I have heard of Shogi, but it might be totally imagined. Go I enjoy, but hard to find players.
Don't have instructions, tending to use paper almanacs and tables as they are always available even when out of net range.
 

Offline timey

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out of net range.

Oh dear, that sounds dangerous!  I don't care what the attempted rumours say, we are still deep in recession you know...  I'd try and rain in your overheads if I were you.  Presumably you are still on friendly terms with your bank?  They might loan you an umbrella.  I'd offer you mine but unfortunately I had to trade it in at Cash Converters, day before yesterday.
 

Offline timey

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...or maybe it was the day before the day before yesterday.  Anyway, it was a Sunday clearly and obviously...and I realise you may now have some reservations about my ability to forecast, but you must remember that the days of the week have been cancelled (I'm sure we all agreed) ...it's just that the rain wasn't informed is all.

Anyway, yes... I'm afraid, and I feel no embarrassment telling you this, that it's not so much as my being on the breadline, but that I'm hanging off of it like some long forgotten, over weathered item of laundry who's owner left on a package tour to Andromeda and decided to take the scenic route...

Seriously Colin, this moon dial bug could well spell the very end...next thing it'll be plain boiled pasta with a ration of butter, and only if I'm lucky I'm sure!
 

Offline timey

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...meanwhile, duly notified by red light alert, we are back under earphones eavesdropping further on the former North Pole to South Pole mobile telephone communications...

Bring, bring...  Bring, bri

"Hello"

"Hey, where are you?  The coffee is going cold..."

"Oh crikes, I just dunno!  I can't get moon dial to turn off, I'm stuck in this darkness and I know you wanted me to keep a low profile, but truthfully I haven't seen a sole about, just a few penguins so far... and to say so I'm afraid your map leaves a lot to be desired, unless it's a snow drift factor"

"Nothing wrong with my map dear, it's your sense of direction that's at fault, besides we haven't had any major storms yet and there have been no drift factors"

"No need to get shirty, I'm sure I'll find you.  I'm just dealing with extreme cold at the mo...I've texted my computer guy and he's going to send me a crack, I've gotta get the sun back on otherwise I'm surely going to freeze to death pretty shortly."

"Well yes of course, we can't have that... try doing some jumping jacks, it is essential you keep moving...  Unbelievable that you haven't seen anyone, don't get me wrong, its better that you don't... we hardly want the competition pricking their ears up at such an early stage, but it's most unusual for there to be no-one out at this time of the day...hmmm"

"Yes well, I am completely nonplussed and to be honest, when the moon did come out from behind the cloud, I noticed that there wasn't actually a second largest observatory to go left at...hmmm... oh hang on, I'm getting another call, I'll ring you back"

To be continued...
 

Offline timey

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Particles are very helpful, they lend themselves to everything...
 

Offline timey

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...meanwhile, we are alerted to the earphones to further research our sundial app, eavesdropping our subjects in a South Pole to North Pole mobile telephone conversation...

Bring, bring... Bring, bri...

"Hello, are you ok?  It's been ages."

"Yes, yes, I'm all fine, as far as I can be...Hmm, where do I start?  The good news is that my computer guy has set me up with a crack for sundial.  I'm snugly warm now, and on stealth mode so no risk of fines.  The bad news is I'm at the wrong pole!"

"The wrong pole?  What?  No, I don't believe it... seriously?"

"Well yes, I'm afraid so, my computer guy had to get a location on me to enable sundial on stealth mode, it's not moon dial kicking in that's the problem, it is in fact dark here all the time at the mo."

...

"Hello, are you there?"

"... yes, I am still here... Now then, can you tell me please, exactly how did you manage to go to the wrong pole dear?"

"Urm...well...I know that you told me to take a taxi to Mimms services and hitch a lorry ride from there to the Hook of Harridge, throw off the tails 'n'all, but...well, you know how I hate boats, it was Vanessa's birthday the following week, and statistically planes are much safer than roads, so I got a mate to drive me to the airport after the party, used my American Express to gimmy the door out onto the runway ('s'about all it's good for these days), got talking with some of the lads about my needing a lift to the pole... Hey presto, they told me I was lucky.  That it was the last flight in and out for the season, plenty of seats available, flashed em some pocket money and that was me..."

...

"Hello, are you there?"

"Yes, I'm here..."

"Well, it's just that your not saying anything"

"Well, what do you want me to say?  You're an idiot?"

"Hmmm, well perhaps now is not the time to talk... but I do need to ask of you a favour.  By all accounts I'm essentially stuck here for the next 6 months.  You and I can talk free on family and friends, but while Sundial might be on a crack, I'm still going to get billed. I've got everything on direct debit and as this means visiting my bank in person on a regular basis in order to argue unnecessary and unfair charges, I am pretty much screwed.  Could you whack a couple of thousand onto my phone for me? It's a life or death matter my remaining connected at all times you see."

"Yes, sure, I'll get that sorted.  Your connection should be strong if you stay near a dish."

"Well yes... I am.  There appears to be a small number of residents in Antarctica remaining for the winter, but none where I am unfortunately.  Everything is locked up, apart from the store room, puzzlingly.  Lucky enough for me as I'm plugged into the auxiliary batteries and running the solar panels on sun dial.  There is plenty of basic rations, although I do have your mysterious Harrods crate.  And hey, since I've had sun dial operating on stealth mode, my body warmth has been attracting penguins.  These chaps are all paternally involved in egg care at present."

"Oh god, how miserable for you."

"Well, it's not as bad as you might think.  I believe in children being multi lingual and we started ours off on Pingu quite early.  Consequently I am fairly fluent in penguin at a basic level.  The chaps are quite good fun actually"

"Ok, well let me get this money to your phone, I'm packing it in for the night, catch up with you tomorrow some point"

"Ok, thanks!  Bye..."

to be continued...
 

Offline timey

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One two, one two, (nope... Ah, ok wrong channel)  ONE, TWO...ONE, TWO... (that's done it.,,volume down a bit) ...

Alright then lads...listen up, listen up... I want all band members to take one step closer to your stage monitor...
Hey drummer, I don't know why 'you've' got up, bit presumptuous of you isn't it?  ...In any case, drummers don't have stage monitors, you savvy?
Ok then band members, I want all microphones and pick ups pointed directly at your stage monitors...

Oh yes...!!!

Now then...this is what we're talking about lads...  It's not the song and dance that's important, it's the feedback that really counts!
 

Offline timey

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...meanwhile, North Pole to South Pole...

Bring, bring... Bring, bring
Bring, bring... Bring, bring
Bring, bring... Bring, bring
Bring, bring... Bring, bring
Bring, bri

"Hello"

"Hi, are you ok?  The way the phone kept ringing, I was worried you weren't going to answer."

"Yeah, all good.  Sorry, we were listening to NWA."

"NWA?"

"Well, my musical tastes are pretty eclectic and the penguins love it!  I'll tell you the whole story, but how's about you?  Its been weeks."

"Actually, it's only been five days"

"Really?  Oh, bother, how time doesn't fly..."

"Yes, I can just imagine."

"Anyway, I got your text, you've been down the hole aye?  So... how is the research going?"

"It's all incredibly exciting, I must say ... I'm completely worn out, but I'm so sorry, I can't possibly talk to you about anything that's going on, this isn't a secure line!  You do understand don't you?  Why don't you tell me what you've been up to?"

"So that's it... I'm just out of the loop now then?"

"Afraid so dear... and there's nothing to be done about it, so come on, let's hear how you've been surviving"

"Ok...well, I am now in possession of the latest camping app.  It comes equipped with all sorts of helpful aids, but I've mainly been using the can microwave attachment and the torch transforming, blue tooth movie projector.  It's designed for canvas but we have the most perfect ice wall and never have to worry about sun glare."

"I notice you are saying 'we', is there someone else there with you now?"

"Oh no, just the penguins.  I've got the whole flock with me.  Must be well over a hundred of them.  They just kept on arriving.  I could sleep in the store room but it's only a glorified shipping container and I suspect I'd be lonely.  The chaps have made me the centre of their spiral of constant shuffle , from outer edges, to inner warmth and back,  this presumably being on account of my excess of body warmth.  I've set up my mini JBL's in the bottom compartment of your Harrods hamper basket, quite an interesting store you had in there must say.  I've insulated with cardboard and am using it as an armchair come bed thingy.  Anyway, we have ourselves a cinema here."

"Wow, that sounds a bit different, how do the penguins like it?"

"Well to say so I think I'm going to spend my time here conducting a research into penguin psychology... they are actually a lot deeper than you'd imagine.  I've tried them on a few feature lengths, but they don't have the attention span, so we've been randomly perusing the net.  I'm happy to say they are as little impressed with cat pictures and other peoples selfies as I am.  But, dear oh me... well some of the younger chaps were quite quick in learning how to manipulate my phones screen, so I left them to it to catch 40 winks.  Next thing I knew a couple of the elders were waking me up as a matter of urgency.  They'd only found some porn.  The whole flock was in stitches.  Interestingly, as the elders and I tried to locate the phone, which I'm pretty sure was being passed around behind our backs, I noticed that it wasn't so much the visuals that they were getting off on, but the sound track.  Not the speaking voices as such, however when the grunts and groans (for want of a better description) started, they were cocking their heads to one side in anticipation listening and then dissolved into puddles of laughter, slapping flippers with each other, as if these sounds actually meant something to them.  The elders, in spite of their own giggles, were worried that the degree of levity was putting the eggs in danger... The phone was found, child lock applied and that was the end of that.  Some of the chaps have since been showing considerable promise as actors in making some hilarious representations of the fact of it, for the benefit of the rest of the flock.  I've been utilising my phones video recording feature to retain the evidence of such for posterity...  Actually, I heard that they even have an Antartic film festival competition here during the winter.  I was thinking of entering... anonymously of course (chuckle)."

"(chucke)  That would raise a few eyebrows I'm sure"

"Damn right!  Anyway, I'm dying to know what these sounds mean in penguin, the Pingu chronicles haven't prepared me for this level of finesse.  I think I've got myself a trade off though.  I was watching "Straight Outta Compton" and the chaps absolutely love NWA.  You should see them.  They are really good mimics and they've got the moves down pat, let me tell you.  I'd been planning on sending you some clips, but you know, now you've alerted me to the fact of the line being potential insecure, I wouldn't want to risk anyone pinching my scoop, aye?"

"(chucke)"

"Anyway, their favourite is 'Dope Man', and since the question has now been raised regarding the concept of meaning being attached to our speech noises as well, this being after it became necessary for me to define the meaning of the name Ice Cube in their terms, they've asked me to tell them what this song is all about.  Goodness, I mean where do I start?  How do I explain the concept of crack addiction to a penguin?  I could see a similar shadow pass across the elders faces when I asked them what was so funny about the porn sounds...  Still, it's a long winter, and where there is a will there is a way!  I'm sure we'll get to the bottom of it sooner or later...  Meanwhile I am eagerly awaiting on a quantum suggestion app for my nose.  My computer guy says he can only do paper at the mo, although he has plans for other smells in the pipeline.  Seriously, the stench is unbelievable!!!  I reckon the first part of 'Dope Man' I shall define for these chaps is the bit where it goes 'sling that sh1t'... But hark at me...I'm rambling on, are you even still there?"

"Zzzzzz"

"Aww, ok then... Sleep tight"

...to be continued
 

Offline timey

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North Pole to South Pole...

Bring, bring... Bri

"Hello"

"Hi, look... I'm so sorry it's taken me a few days to get back to you.  It's been really intense here, and again sorry, but that's all I can say..."

"Yeah, yeah... Top secret blah, blah, blah, no doubt you'll fall asleep on me again mid conversation to top it all off?"

"Yes, erm, well, sorry about that too, but I did spend the night dreaming of explaining difficult concepts to penguins rather than just having a progression of thought patterns following on through the work of the day, and that was a restful change to say the least, how you getting on with that?"

"Well... I did manage to find a significant point of cross cultural similarity and we've been progressing things on from there.  It's very interesting actually.  We were doing a bit of 'nature channel' and the chaps all became quite vocal and disparaging about a group of seals escaping, or not, the jaws of some killer whales.  The general consensus was that the seals were pants at it.  No style whatsoever! ...my ears pricked up.  What was all this?  So it occurred to me to search for some penguins doing it.  Strike gold or what!  The relevance of action replay as a concept being of outstanding success - not really sure if they'd previously made that connection to reality concerning screened events - it turns out that some of the participants were familiar to them.  Oh happy days... we are currently searching for other footage.  Anyway, this killer whale malarkey, contrary to current thinking, is in fact a sporting event.  There is a prize and everything.  The winning competitor gets to off-load his egg care duty onto one of the unlucky chaps who didn't get to mate, and he stays with the women penguins for the winter.  Fancy that aye!  The elder who was telling me all this, he said that he'd won it once and never entered again.  He wasn't clear if it was the killer whales that had put him off, I have come to know these penguins as being rather droll at times, but he did say that some of the chaps had been known to get a taste for the rush of it.  A penguin can come to a bad end like that he said.  Ah... I said, hang on...hold that thought in relation to the meaning of this song 'Dope Man' that you have asked me to translate...  I'd seen my  'in', you see... - and bless, I could physically visualise his brain gripping onto that thought.  Now let me define the word 'crack' to you, I say.  A crack is where one part of something has become un-joined to the other.  For instance a crack in the ice.  Ok that was easy.  He was nodding his head. But then we have to consider a dangerous crack in the ice, I say.  So he pipes up, you mean like an ice fissure.  Yes, bingo... I say.  Ok now take this ice fissure, relate it back to the chaps getting a taste for the rush of killer whaling, and now think of a human getting a rush out of falling into an ice fissure...  Oh my, his faced screwed up, his eyes were blinking and he took so long, I thought I'd lost him... they do have quite short attention spans... but he came back at me.  He said, do you mean to tell me that this song 'Dope Man' is about humans getting a taste for falling into a trap of almost certain death, and that their choice of trap is no more exciting than an ice fissure?  Well yes, that is as good a description as any, I said.  To which he replied: and what is the prize?  There isn't one... I said.  His face was a picture.  I told him if I were to break down the lyrics it gets a bit more complex, but we've agreed to go at it one stage at a time."

"Goodness, who'd have thought. Perhaps this research of yours may turn out to be vitally significant..."

"Oh, I doubt it"

"Well, I'd have never credited penguins with that type of cognitive power.  Seriously, anyway... well dear, I must be off now, 'call of duty' you realise..."

"(chuckle)"

"(chuckle) What can I say?  But I will phone again soon and please text if an emergency.  I have someone manning my phone while I'm down the hole, so they will get a message to me if its urgent, ok?"

"Ok, cool, thanks hon, good luck with it all."

"Yeah, thanks.  You too.  Bye."

...to be continued.
« Last Edit: 20/09/2015 12:55:03 by timey »
 

Offline timey

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North Pole to South Pole...

Bring, bring... Bring, bring...
Bring, bri

"Hello"

"Oh thank goodness... you've answered, I've been trying to phone you for days, are you ok?"

"Well yes, just about.  We had a storm!"

"Hmm, so I gathered from the weather report, no signal huh?  How did the batteries last out?"

"Tbh, it was touch and go.  Bit scary really.  I'm going to have to search out another solar panel, there are some extra batteries here that I had topped up for emergencies, but after this experience I realise I need at least twice as many, never mind the Sundail costs.  Really, if it weren't for the solidarity of penguin power I'd be a popsicle in a sea container let me tell you.  After the storm, I opened the door, the wind was so strong it had blown snow through the door seals.  I had to dig out my rations and its a wonder the batteries weren't compromised.  Those antifreeze lights were literally a life saver for me"

"So you stayed out with the penguins in the storm?"

"Oh yes, they really looked after me!  It's funny, I've been noticing with the flock that, although each penguin displays a strong sense of individualism, they appear to conduct their thinking in the terms of a group.  Any conversation I have with one individual, I can uptake with the next as they shuffle past my position in the centre of the flock.  Each brings his own point of view to the discussion while also being aware of the content of every other penguins input.  It's a very interesting phenomenon, and during the storm I began to understand exactly why this trait may be inherent.  Basically, as I'm sure you can imagine, conversation under the conditions of such storms becomes difficult to say the least.  Any information, which may or may not be pertinent, has to be passed from one penguin to the penguins directly next to him.   If one of the elders suggests that the flock should move, as one, into the lee of the ice wall - to co-ordinate over 100 penguins, all grouped in a tight huddle over eggs that need to be kept at temperature... This is a delicate operation to say the least... And, (chuckle)... they also have a game that they call "the storm sayings", which is the penguin version of Chinese whispers.   The prize is that when they get back to the sea's edge, after egg duty is over, the winner has to give up the first fish he catches to the eldest penguin.  Well, of course everybody tries to lose as hard as they possibly can.  The resulting snips of conversation were literally hilarious.  These penguins do have a prominent sense of humour."

"(chuckle) ... Wow, I can't believe you survived an Arctic storm.  That would make a great advert for Sundail App wouldn't it?  Maybe you should get in touch with them.  See if you can play an angle?"

"Well yes, I can see where your coming from.  It's a fantastic idea...  apart from the fact that I'm on a cracked version!"

"Oh yes, I forgot about that."

"How you getting on with your research?"

"Well, all is going well, we are making inroads... Can't say more, sorry... I'm fine myself, although I am rather lamenting the loss of my Harrods hamper!"

"Ah yes, judging by the volume of parmesan cheese in ratio to the other items, I'd say this is what you are lamenting the most? (chuckle)"

"(chuckle)... Yes, although the champagne is somewhat lamentable as well!  No doubt you've consumed all of the goodies?"

"(chuckle). It would take me 2 years to get through that amount of parmesan even under normal circumstances, you must grate it onto breakfast, lunch, and dinner!  But seriously, no...  Your hamper contents remain intact, the hamper itself I doubt will survive the winter.  It wasn't really designed to be a bucket chair bed... No, you see the penguins are on a forced fast.  They know that I am eating, but I am under strict instructions not to open up any fishy items.  The smell will drive them wild.   I've been laying off the meat also just in case.  Nope, it's been lentil soup or vegetable soup for me, with a can of rice pudding for afters.  I try to keep the whole eating business in the store room away from the flock as much as is possible."

"Oh yes, I can see how it would feel wrong to be eating in front of them.  You seem to be striking up quite an affinity with these penguins... tell me more."

"Ok, well...  After the storm was finished, and due care had been taken as to egg status, I played them Yahudi Menuhin's rendition of Beethoven's violin concerto.   Seemed like the right thing to do.  I'm pleased to note their taste in music is as eclectic as mine.   I've never seen such a wonderful sight, all of them swaying to the very last penguin.  Flippers over each other's shoulders,  beaks inclined upwards.  I can't say that I've ever seen the whole flock concentrated on one thing for such a period of time, it's quite a long piece, they were truly moved!  In fact, when it finished, there was almost a whole minutes silence before the usual chatter of penguin life commenced again.  Almost spooky really.  I think I might try them on Mendelssohn next."

"Wow!  I hope you are recording all of this..."

"Oh yes, I'm getting some great footage, ah... which reminds me, having experienced some exploration of our human world through the medium of television, I realised that the penguins had obviously been making attempts at deciphering our physical make up, when the elders came to me with some collective questions about our dress.  Look, they said, we have feathers, you humans seem to have different feathers for different days.  Have we understood this correctly?  Well, I said.  We don't have feathers to keep us warm like you do, we have clothes.  We can take these clothes off when they are dirty and put other clothes on that are clean.  These clothes to us are like feathers are to you, only your feathers regenerate when the old feather is finished and falls out.  We have to construct our clothes as a separate issue from our bodies.  Oh, they said...but we notice that your feathers remain the same all the time - and tbh they are, if you don't mind us saying, rather filthy!  Well... I hadn't really been considering my appearance in light of this penguin company, but looking down at myself, I could see the frozen evidence of various meals that I had fumbled to my mouth with mittened hands, stuck to the contours of my outerwear.  Looking up again and taking in the appearance of the penguins, all standing in their own sh1t, pristine down to the very last chap, it was with some embarrassment that I realised my mistake.  If I had thought I would not be judged in this environment, I couldn't have been more wrong!  Look they said, take a bit of powdered snow like this, and rub your feathers with it like this.  It's quite simple... And they all stood round giving me a demonstration, like I was but a chick just hatched."

"(chuckle)... You haven't told them you are a female have you?"

"Erm, well no... These chaps are so hard wired as to this egg duty being a male only time that I don't think it's even crossed their minds to question my gender.  I think it would do their heads in a bit if I told them. Not like its important or anything..."

"Hmmm, perhaps your right!"

"So, having tidied up my appearance to their satisfaction, they then proceeded.  Ok... they said.  We have noticed that while we are very well defined in 2 types of feather, black and white, we notice that you humans, the feathers that don't change, like on your face, and your head, these come in a wide variety of shades.  What's this all about?  Well, I really had to stop and think about things here.  Penguins are by the nature of their breed an isolated gene pool.  If humans attempted to isolated a human gene pool to this extent, this would be considered a travesty to freedom of choice and a fascism.  Of course human genes are narrowed into pools somewhat by locational restrictions.  Does this apply to the penguin population?  I'm not sure if the analogy works.  Are different types of penguin distantly related in their gene pool?  Are the differences in penguin type due to locational restrictions?"

"Sorry, I can't help you here, genealogy is not my strong point..."

"Oh, not to worry, I asked them if I could take a rain check.  I want to properly research the matter before answering them.  I don't want them to believe themselves to be a fascist society, but I also don't want to give them the impression that us humans are completely different breeds of animal that have crossbred.  I can see that it's all going to get quite complicated what with explaining the fact of geological references  and resulting land mass movement.  Still, it gives me something to do and that's the main thing!"

"(chuckle)  ... Yes, I can just imagine. Well, I've gotta get some sleep now, early start tomorrow, moon dial just kicked in and I'm getting that thousand yard stare on."

"Oh yes, I keep forgetting that while I am in the constant dark here, you are getting daylight all the time...  Anyway, good to talk, sleep well and we'll speak soon... Aye."

"Yes, (yawn)... Best of luck with the genealogy research.  Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

...to be continued
« Last Edit: 20/09/2015 13:36:07 by timey »
 

Offline timey

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North Pole to South Pole...

Bring, bring... bring, bring...
Bring, bring... Bri

"Peen-wanbaneep"

"Erm...sorry?"

"Oh! (chuckle) hello...  I say, do please excuse me, it's been quite some time since I've spoken in human tongue."

"(chuckle)...  If that was a dig, I acknowledge that you do indeed have good cause.  Admittedly it's been quite some time since my last call..."

"Oh hark at you with your unintentional pun, how's the hole going btw?"

"Well, I think I might just risk death by firing squad to say that it only seems to get deeper... and possibly wider, although wider is hardly relevant when one  is at what one presumes must by now be the very bottom."

"Gee wizz hon, that sounds like soooo much fun... Wish I was there!"

"Yup, wish I'd taken the other left and gone all South with you tbh."

"Steady on there you cheek bag, there are limits you know!"

"(chuckle)... Ah, it's good to hear your voice, glad you haven't lost your sense of humour... but you know, seriously, it's hard work here at the mo.  Can't say bugger all as usual, but actually this is the last time I'll be able to call you.  Apparently there is a suspected security leak, some evidence of phone tapping... so they say.  Anyway, we've got so far down this hole now, there's no point in coming back up till we're done with it, or it is done with us... But enough about me, what about you, how's the penguin research going?"

"Well... all the chaps are great as usual.  A lot has happened on that front, oh boy..!  But I've been trying to run a few of my ideas on a professional forum, the gist of which I must say has been met with what one might describe as a certain type of disbelief, mingled with circumstantial just plain not getting the time to explore the nitty gritty."

"Oh really?  That surprises me, surely the footage speaks for itself?"

"Well... I haven't actually posted any footage as such, although I did speak to someone via private message.  But as I said, it's the whole time aspect.  Truly PhD must in fact stand for 'perpetually hurried daze'!  Is that your experience?"

"Well yes, yes it is! (chuckle)... But I must say that your footage did cause a bit of a hoo ha at the Antarctic Film Festival.  I followed the internet comments... went down a storm aye!"

"Ack weeell, your always going to get one or two fuddy duddy's aren't you?  Clearly the chaps didn't have a gun to their head, no-one was making them do it.  There was no 'actual' porn happening.  All that fuss?  I saw it as a complete lack of appreciation for the acting abilities of the penguin species tbh.  Did they really think that the male Emperor penguin population had suddenly turned gay?  I mean really!  Thankfully the most part took it in context, as in fact the penguins had themselves perceived, being a bloody good laugh."

"Did you ever find out what was so funny about it to them?"

"Well yes, yes I did, but you best get settled in, it's a long and twisty road."

" I'm all ears..."

 "Hmmm, cheers for the mental imagery, must say...  Right, well...ok, it all started with the genetics.  I was giving the chaps a run down on the human genome, and how the diversity of our genetic make up is inherent to the human tendency to explore and expand.  This being in explanation to their enquiry regarding our varied appearance in colouring, size and physique.  These variations in penguin terms determining the appearances of entirely different penguin breeds.
In contemplating this genetic pooling of different breeds of penguin populations, my forays onto the net had told me that there is genetic evidence of the Emperor penguin having been related to their closest neighbours, the Adelie penguin, around 23 million years ago.  Therefore, it could perhaps be said, at some point in history, that all penguins were related.  Clearly this is suggestive of the penguins having been perhaps previously confined to a smaller area of ideal environment, that then underwent an expansion into which this penguin population expanded, following their need for access to open sea from the security of the ice sheet while raising their vulnerable chicks... and that this ideal environment peaked, to then undergo a reduction, whereas the ideal environment areas became isolated from each other as the ice sheets receded.  This leaving communities of penguins stranded from each other to then become evolved as to the requirements of the area they became stranded upon.
Well, I must say that the chaps were pretty grossed out at the thought of being in any way distantly related to the rock hopper penguin, but we did all think it a comforting notion that in order for there to have been an ancient penguin population in existence at-all to undergo an expansion and evolutionary diversification due to an expanded area of ideal conditions that then suffered a reduction, is rather suggestive that ideal conditions for a penguin population may well suffer an extreme reduction during a period of global warming, but must never entirely disappear!  What do you think?"

"Well, I can see the path of your logic, and yes, truly that is rather a comforting thought.  But please, do continue..."

"Ok, well... after negotiating some rather disturbing conversation regarding fur seals raping King penguins, a story that the chaps had picked up off the net, and the ensuing notion of the possibility of this adult fur seal psychosis being related to the relentless human culling practices regarding their fur seal pups, and then the considerable worries concerning the proximity of the fur seals range in relation to the Emperor penguins fishing locations, we moved on to the ramifications of severe genetic pooling and how genetic disorders can arise...
Well, (chuckle), this is when it all started to get interesting!  The chaps, having had a think through, later came back to me on the subject.  They said that they had a favour to ask of me.  Sure I said, what is it?  Well, said the elder, we have a bit of a confession to make to you, some of the younger chaps have, over the last month or so, come to understand the meaning of this; and he bent down and drew me a representation of the child lock symbol.  "I see!" I said, realising that the penguins had made much more of a thorough search of my phone than I'd bargained for...a fact to be noted in that it may have affected my billing... "And what of it?" ... I asked him.  "Well, you do realise that the chicks will be hatching very soon and that our chapess's will be returning?"  "Well, yes of course".  "So... it's just that firstly, we feel that our time with you and your phone has opened our eyes with regards to what else is happening in the world. We aren't really decided if this has been beneficial to our psych on the whole, but we are decided that it would be disastrous for the balance of our society if our chapess's are not brought up to speed."  "Ok, not a problem."  ...I had in fact noticed amongst other things that these penguins attention spans had been vastly improved over the course of our time together, and had thought myself that the females were missing out, so I could see their point...  "What else?"  "Secondly, we are in most complete agreement, and in fact beseech you to allow our chapess's to discover for themselves this porn... Perhaps while we are off out at sea fishing." ...that took me by surprise, must say... "Well of course, certainly - and if they display the same adeptness as you chaps with the touch screen, I could even arrange matters in order that this event become inevitable, but may I ask why?"  "Well" he said... and I'm not at all sure quite how he managed the smirk, on account of the beak n'all, but smirk he did. ..."It's  just that we'd like them to see the funny side before explaining the genetics aspect that we now realise is relevant."  "Okaaay, but you're going to have to give better explanation than that, I'm thoroughly intrigued.  What ever is your reason?"  ... I could tell from the way in which his body stance hunkered down that we were in for the long haul, so I got out my flask of tea as he continued...  "Ok, so... we have this malady that can affect a chap in his early chap-hood during the lead up to the mating season.   It's a rarity, but it is a firmly recurring occurrence throughout our penguin history.  Steeped deeply into our traditions, we have stories and songs about it, we also have a strict protocol regarding it... and then of course there is the strange guttural tones of the malady song itself.  When it takes a chap, it starts with the singing first.  The words are quite badly distorted by the guttural tone, but the translation, simplified, is as such:  • I'm so blue for you, to you I will stay true, we will see this thing through, if it's the last thing that I do, it's all about you my love, you, you, you.•... He might wander around for a few days as the malady sets in, but eventually off he goes in search of his true love, and we will never see him again.  Look, we can show you, give me your phone a mo." ...So I did, and he showed me some different clips of lone male penguins wandering, flapping flippers, heads forward, beaks outstretched, squawking away in their solitude, waddling hurriedly in search calling out for love.... The elder then continued... "Occasionally a chap from another flock will happen upon our population with a case of this malady.  Tradition denotes that we must accept this stranger into our midst, making him feel welcome.  And that's all very well, you know, but us chaps do get a bit grumpy about it on account of the chapess's.  They take it way too far in our opinion.  It's like they cannot take their eyes off the chap and hang on his every word.  Of course we can forgive the young unmarried females, it's only natural that a new arrival will excite them, but the chapess's who already have commitments, well, really, it's a bit much tbh.  You have to understand that us penguins are not like we gather, from your internet, you humans are where love and commitments are concerned.  We only mate for a very short period of the year, and truly for us it is the be all and end all of our life activity.  Us chaps take it incredibly seriously indeed, romancing and posturing, demonstrating fully the extent of our feelings and ability to be committed and dedicated fathers.  In fact when the chapess's return here shortly, despite our fast of over 4 months, you will see that the chaps will be most reluctant to pass over the egg, or newly hatched chick.  It can almost come to blows, with terrible arguments and frustrations.  In fact, let me pause my dialogue for a moment because I'd like to ask you a question before I forget again.  We have noticed , from your internet shows, that human female seems to be constantly in season and, as we also notice that you are a female human, we wonder if you can tell us how that works, can you explain?"  ...that took me by surprise for sure, I hadn't realised that they had realised that I am a woman, I suppose some photos on my phone might have been revealing, but a bit of quick thinking came up with my reply... "Hmmm, well, I did read somewhere that the human female reproductive system may have evolved over time to hide the evidence of a monthly ovulation cycle.  This being on the grounds that the male will then stick around and help feed his spouse and offspring on the basis that he must make multiple matings throughout the month in order to procreate.  This does lead one to wonder as to the underlying psych of the male human as to the commitment of fatherhood with respect to sex."  ...and I could see his brain stretching itself over that one, but he came back at me... "Well yes, yes it does really, with the evolution of the female human reproductive cycle then being a form of this syndrome you have described to us as being dishonesty?"  ...and goodness, now it was my turn to get a brain stretching... "Erm, well, hmmm... you do make a good point dear chap, I say, you've really got me there.  But tbh, in looking at the human male female interaction on the whole, well...on reflection, and from that perspective, it could explain a lot about such relationships.  I actually interact with different species as part of my work as a norm.  Humans call it training, but I prefer inter species communications myself.  To say so, I've found interactions based on any form of bribery to be entirely counter productive really.  But we digress.  You were saying about how you chaps take your romancing and paternal commitments very seriously.  Please continue, I'm fascinated to know where this is leading."  "Right, ok... so us chaps take our commitments very seriously indeed.  Infidelity is unheard of in our society.  If a mating is unsuccessful, ie: doesn't produce an egg, the union is terminated and both parties find new partners.  Now on our hearing about this genetic pooling business, we have all since agreed that fruitless unions are probably as symptomatic of a narrowing gene pool as our increasing susceptibility to feather flock disease is.  However, usually fidelity is the norm, and also a recognised social requirement for stable and successful chick rearing.  But when a chap comes into the flock from the cold with the malady song, us chaps notice during our mating season that our chapess's start making any excuse to run an errand behind an ice rupture, or further some unspecified cause elsewhere on the ice sheet.  We also notice that the malady affected chap is never around with us fishing, and after a few weeks is run ragged in appearance, and at deaths door due to lack of food.  Although infidelity is not within the nature of our species, we can't help but wonder as to our chapess's activities when a chap shows up singing his song of true love, commitment and fidelity  that manages to turn their heads as such.  So when we first saw your human porn, it was hilarious for us to view a male engaged in sexual activity, singing the malady song of true love, commitment and fatherhood, as a traditional malady chap would, while physically taking his sexual activity from one female to another without even pause for breath.  Unbelievable, our chapess's would never knowingly weather it from us and the truth of it is that we chaps feel that on the whole that it would entirely detract from the extreme pleasure and satisfaction of the sexual experience.  Having said that, this behaviour is exactly what we suspect of the strangely affected chap who is traditionally accepted into the flock singing his malady song.  Your porn is like a parody of this scenario to us."  ...and he paused dramatically, as if to emphasise the point... "I see" I said and indeed I did see... "(chuckle), well - I think its important that you know that this porn you refer to is considered by humans as a form of entertainment to the purpose of arousal, and that you chaps happened upon a particular type of such, known as an orgy.  Please be aware that this doesn't actually truly represent the reproductive and sexual activities of the average human.  However, a good friend of mine once told me that anybody who says they don't get off on watching a reasonable looking couple going at it, is either a liar or has trips about their body, and in either case should probably be avoided." ...and so, under the remit of such an opportunistic lead in, I felt that it had to be asked... "Do penguins entertain the notion of voyeurism?"  ...  his eyes twinkled... "Oh yes, of course we do.  A lot of our close neck posturing is designed to that very purpose.   Adds to the experience immensely.  It's this swapping of partners thing we fail to comprehend." ...I must say he made a picture scratching his head bemusedly with his flipper like that...  "Surely that leads to complications?"  "Well, I gotta agree with you there on that one, it's not my cup of tea either.  I'm more of the heartfelt romantic type myself.  Men are wonderful creatures for sure, but their not like Pokemon.  You just can't catch them all!  So you reckon your chapess's are doing this chap coming in with the malady behind your backs then?"  "Yes we do.  We always suspected it, but since we have learned about genetic pooling, we are agreed that the affliction and tradition of the malady song is a necessary function of widening the gene pool between our different penguin flocks.  A malady chap only shows up every six or seven years.  More often than not the experience is the death of him, and if he actually survives the mating season, he returns to normal and becomes a regular member of the flock.  I think we can continue to wear it for the benefits of keeping sterile unions and feather flock disease at bay.  It's just that us chaps would really appreciate it if the chapess's didn't get so wrapped up in their enamour, seeing the situation for what it is and not as the special heart wrenching experience that they currently do.  It really grates our nerves.  We reckon a viewing of your porn may do the trick, but only if they discover it for themselves.  Wouldn't come across the same if we were to point it out to them."  Well I could see that these chaps had really thought the situation through, so of course I agreed to the plan.  "I can see you chaps have really thought this through" I said, to which he replied, "You haven't met our chapess's yet.  We chaps are in fact the gentler sex!"   I went on to tell the elder I was looking forward to meeting his chapess.  He sighed heavily and explained to me that she had come to an untimely end while fishing a few years back.  "I've never managed to convince another chapess that I've forgotten about her.  This most likely being because I haven't." ...and for a brief moment an overwhelming grief became clearly tangible through the windows of his eyes... "This egg?" ... he said  "I'm just looking after another chaps who met the same fate as my love earlier in this year."  .... I could feel a well of my own emotions rise up in response to his sadness as our eyes met.  A flicker of mutual recognition in a shared knowledge of intense grief, and taking his flipper in my hand, we sat for a moment in the solidarity of our innocence lost to the pains of this world, watching the brighter patch on the horizon signifying that the darkness would soon be properly extinguished by a true sun rise, and the back of the Arctic winter broken for yet another year...
So, there you have it.  The mystery of the hilarity of human porn in the eyes of an Emperor penguin revealed."

"... ... Wow!  Epic!"

"Yeah (chuckle), that's how it goes.  Some of the chicks have since hatched.  My word , I'm smitten!"

"I can just imagine.  Little cuties aye?"

"You got it!  The chapess's should be arriving any day now, I'm perhaps just a little anxious..."

"I dare say, given the write up.  I'm sure you'll manage though."

"I dunno, not so sure myself.  I've always been better at the boys than the girls."

"Oh get on with ya!  You'll be fine.  You have a capacity for invention.  You'll get round these chapess's one way or another.  Why don't you ask the chaps for some advice?"

"Ah, good thinking.  I'm probably worrying unnecessarily.  It's the notion of impending change that is most likely unsettling me.  So... you are incommunicado for the next foreseeable future?"

"Unfortunately yes, but we will be forced to leave when the winter closes in...  No doubt we'll catch up back in Blighty in a couple of months."

"Of course we will.  I should be able to leave once planes can land and the research facilities open.  Its been an experience here and I'll most definitely miss these chaps, but it will be grand to get back to proper food and some human interaction... before I start forgetting how, (chuckle)"

"Good, good, well I'm looking forward to it.  Goodbye until then!"

"Ok, goodbye...and good luck!"
« Last Edit: 04/12/2015 18:13:12 by timey »
 

Offline alancalverd

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Still smoking the good stuff, then? Season's greetings!
 

Offline timey

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What?  Nah... that was the result of too many indigestion tablets...  Honestly, next time I might try treating the cause ;)

Anyway, clearly this is The Naked Scientists, so I daresay adverts for clothing 90% off are going to be par for the course, but you know... t'was actually a mathematician that I was after!

Perhaps I may be given one for Christmas, aye...?
Seasons greetings to you n'all... :)
 

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