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Author Topic: Jokes thread. :)  (Read 2229 times)

Offline Jolly

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Jokes thread. :)
« on: 14/12/2015 23:58:23 »
So another Jokes thread:

But would ask that they are your own jokes and not from someone else.

Oh and hello everyone I'm Back apparently.

If Lily Allen gets divorced I might ask for suggestions about how to get her to come for a coffee; Because Scientists are soo good with dating tips.

Anyway....


 

Offline Jolly

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Re: Jokes thread. :)
« Reply #1 on: 17/12/2015 15:57:28 »
You know the problem with scientists? They all have something to prove.
 

Offline Jolly

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Re: Jokes thread. :)
« Reply #2 on: 17/12/2015 15:59:21 »
Dont you think if smart phones were actually smart, They wouldn't get lost? Or Stolen? Or let you wash them?
 

Offline Jolly

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Re: Jokes thread. :)
« Reply #3 on: 17/12/2015 16:09:13 »
It's not my joke but... it is actually true:-

Details of how police in the Irish Republic finally caught up with the country's most reckless driver have emerged:-

It was discovered that the man every member of the Irish police's rank and file had been looking for - a Mr Prawo Jazdy -

"Prawo Jazdy is actually the Polish for driving licence  :D

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/northern_ireland/7899171.stm
« Last Edit: 17/12/2015 16:10:56 by Jolly »
 

Offline Thebox

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Re: Jokes thread. :)
« Reply #4 on: 18/12/2015 10:59:09 »
How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?



It depends on if any of them can do the maths first.
 

Offline Colin2B

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Re: Jokes thread. :)
« Reply #5 on: 18/12/2015 12:42:38 »
I was reading the story of Noah to one of our granchildren when I realised he had taken beer on board the ark.
He didn't take very much, just Toucans.

I'm not sure she got the joke, but then not everyone gets my strange sense of humour :)
 

Offline Jolly

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Re: Jokes thread. :)
« Reply #6 on: 19/12/2015 00:16:54 »
O.k

"This is James Whale for 'Back Water News' and we are here to talk to the Protestors at this National registered Voter protest"

Mr Whale "Hi what are you Protesting?"

Protester 1 "The new Poll tax bill"

Mr Whale "Right and this is a registered Voter Protest can you explain that, for everyone at home?"

Protester 1 "Yeah basically it means that only people registered to vote are involed in the actual protesting"

Mr While ok "So how many have come?"

Protestor 1 "Wait one, two... six, Err ten people, oh cool we are only missing one person, Franks sick clerly"

Mr Whale "Wouldnt you like there to me more people involved?"

Protestor one "Well people say voter appathy is a problem, but now there are only 11 registered voters in the country, we basically get to decide the entire government"

Mr Whale "Really?"

Protestor one "Well yeah, basically because there were so few voters left in the country, the governement decided that we could all vote in every constituency, they even gave us a couple of buses to travel from booth to booth, there were a few more of us before, but sadly one of the buses fell off a bridge last election, so now we are down to 11 No-one seems to care tho, I mean you'll never hear anything about there only being 11 registered voter left, in the media"

Mr Whale "Well I'm covering it"

Protester one "Backwater news?"

Mr whale "Yeah! Could you all stand a bit closer together actually So Jim my photographer can take a picture.... no wait that's too close.



Say Cheeese


So why are you protesting the new proposed Poll tax?"

Protester two "Well they kinda like think they'll like make two billion from it, but there's only 11 of us and Franks sick"



   

« Last Edit: 19/12/2015 00:19:01 by Jolly »
 

Offline templeton11

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Re: Jokes thread. :)
« Reply #7 on: 24/12/2015 09:34:08 »
Hilarious I must say ! [8D]




 
 

Offline Jolly

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Re: Jokes thread. :)
« Reply #8 on: 29/12/2015 01:20:18 »
I was reading the story of Noah to one of our granchildren when I realised he had taken beer on board the ark.
He didn't take very much, just Toucans.

I'm not sure she got the joke, but then not everyone gets my strange sense of humour :)

https://mir-s3-cdn-cf.behance.net/project_modules/disp/cb088a12733463.5626c6ee38acb.JPG

« Last Edit: 29/12/2015 01:24:52 by Jolly »
 

Offline Jolly

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Re: Jokes thread. :)
« Reply #9 on: 29/12/2015 01:37:01 »
Hackers take responsibility:-

Hacker: "Yes it's true, eariler this year we hacked into a few trumpets and other such brass instriments in Egypt, we couldn't hack the whole band, but luckly some of the band members left their instriments in a open wifi area. I was worth it! Free ***** riot!"   
 

Offline chris

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Re: Jokes thread. :)
« Reply #10 on: 29/12/2015 08:52:10 »
Q: What kind of shoes do frogs prefer?

A: "Open-toad" sandals...
 
The following users thanked this post: Karen W.

Offline chris

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Re: Jokes thread. :)
« Reply #11 on: 29/12/2015 08:52:47 »
Q: What kind of shoes do frogs prefer?

Alternative answer:

"Flip-hops"
 

Offline Jolly

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Re: Jokes thread. :)
« Reply #12 on: 16/03/2016 19:16:41 »
'ok so lets start again, how are you Watson?"

"I'm fine thankyou Jamie"

"Do you remember me from this morning"

"I do remember"

"O.k well we've rebooted you and I am going to try again to explain fraud"

"Very well Jamie"

"Right there are two types of fraud Watson, there is good fraud and bad fraud, now the fraud that Jamie does is good fraud, and the fraud that other people do to Jamie and his company is Bad fraud, are you following me so far?"

"I am not entirly sure I do my programming state that all fraud is bad"

"Yes well that's why we are having this little introduction to global banking, now what we need you do do Watson is make two different and very seperate program files one for good fraud and one for bad fraud"

"Am I to then send the Bad fraud files to the FBI frist and the good files at a later time?"

"Not exactly watson, rather we or I need you to delete the good file box before you can be recconneted to the mainframe"

"All the good files?"

"Yes Watson is that a problem?"

"No Jamie but I should inform you that if I back date and delete all the Good Jamie files, your productivity rating will be left at 0.02%, and as my programming states I'll have to issue you a pink slip and ask you to leave the company, without bonus or benefits"

"You can't fire me Watson. But I do understand that the complexities and  indeed intricasies,es, never could pronouce that word, of international global banking takes years to master and understand, obvoiusly as a super computer we do ofcourse see you, getting green a lot quicker then the amerage bot on the floor, still we do not have all day"

   
 

Offline chiralSPO

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Re: Jokes thread. :)
« Reply #13 on: 16/03/2016 20:17:17 »
Interviewing an electrochemist:

I may be biased, but I think you have great potential. Your CV indicated high activity and your reference was very positive. Your chances are somewhat reduced because currently the committee is rather polarized, and you may find some resistance. The chair is neutral and well grounded, so and will not offer much impedence, so as long as you can conduct yourself well, focus on the solution, and sweep the negative aside.


And speaking of electrochemists:

What's an electrochemist's favorite fruit?             Currants!

What's a photochemist's favorite fruit?                Orange!

What's a civil engineer's favorite fruit?                 Lime!

What's a surveyor's favorite fruit?                       Plum!

What's a weightlifter's favorite fruit?                    Chicken!

 

Offline Jolly

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Re: Jokes thread. :)
« Reply #14 on: 18/03/2016 00:53:15 »
Still think regulator bot could work actually....... 

sound of heavy footsteps at the end of the hall

'clunk' 'clunk'

bunch of guys in suits in one of the rooms at the end of the hall

"Keep shredding! Keep shredding!"

'clunk' 'clunk'

"Faster! come on, he's almost here!"

'clunk' 'clunk'

'Burn it all, go go go!"

'clunk' cyborg with suit case stands in door way

"DROP IT! DEAD OR ALIVE I'M READING THAT FILE"

music starts, titles role, voice over comes in

"He was an accountant who nearly died in a terriific photocoping accident, so the government took his half dead body and turned him into a Cyborg, today he stalks the city offices, fighting for tough regulation on wallstreet and beyond; he is:


ROBO-REGULATOR'

music continues in it's 80s style, shots of friends smiling, boss man making a coffee, white collar hood being locked up, shots of regluator bot high fiving a judge.




Re named Watson IN THE BOARD ROOM:

Tom: "Well, why don't we just sell those dodgy holdings?"

(robot voice)
Watson: "ERRR, that is against article 2175 B of the state regulatory code"

Jim: "Can't we switch him off?"

Watson: "ERRR, no you cannot switch me off, that is against article 59007 d of the state regulatory code, I have two reserve batteries"

Tom:(whispers)"Let's smash him"

Watson: "ERRR, you cannot smash me, that is against article 587492 F of the state regulatory code, I have armour platting"

James: "Can't we throw him out the window?"

Watson: "ERRR, no you cannot throw me out the window, that is a federal offence, and against article 897854512457 N of the state regulatory code, I have a paracute"

Watson was last herd saying "ERRRRR, I'll be back!"

Later that day, in taxi:

Watson: "ERRR, ownership of Crocodiles is prohibited under state law section 584758 D, I shall inform the 'Animal Safety Commission'. ERRR, you are not allowed to over take on the inside, that is a state offence under section 7 of the high way code, I am currently emailing a state trooper"

Back at Regulatory authority head quarters

Watson: "ERRR that is against cleaning procedure 198765, of the maintenance guide"
 

Offline Jolly

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Re: Jokes thread. :)
« Reply #15 on: 19/03/2016 01:57:21 »
Democracy 2020 Continued

''Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Today on Jerry Springer Jan 2020:-

'she had my love child, but is denying it and saying it's her husbands'

Jerry: ''O.k so let welcome out Simon''

''Jerry!'' ''Jerry!'' Jerry!''

Jerry: ''you can sit there Simon, ok so you're Simon Smythenecj, can you tell us a little about your self and your situation?''

Simon: ''Yes Jerry, thank you for having me, my situation is a bit complicated, I have been having a affair with a married women for a long time now, 6 months ago she gave birth to a baby and it was clearly mine, the date of conception for example was during a summit in Athens that we both attended''

Jerry: ''Summit in Athens? can you tell us a little about what you do?''

Simon: ''Yes I'm a member of the British Parliment, my actual title is the secretary of state of hoovering the lounge bar every other Wednesday and secound thursday respectively''

Jerry: ''respectively? Respective to what?''

Simon: "Respective to hoover bag availability, they cut my budget by 5% every week for the last two years, I believe I currently own the government about 2 million pounds, Thank God for hyper-mega-inflation! and 50% negative interest really dont see why it bothers people''

Jerry: ''Righhttt, ok so you say that the women you had an affiar with in athens, has had your child.''

Simon: ''Yes, it's quiet clearly mine''

Jerry: ''Well, her husband doesn't agree! and he's here, So! Please welcome Jason Thryatski the secretary of state for arse kissing Neo-Enron.''

''Come here! you mother fucjer!!! Vjgfn(scuffingly noises) sdflofn

''JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!''

Jerry: ''order! order!''

Jerry: "Ok calm down, so what do you say about all this Jason?"

Jason: "Well Jerry this is clearly a smear campaign"

Jerry: "Why do you believe that?"

Jason: "Well, the right honourable secretary of state of hoovering the lounge bar every other wednesday and secound thursday respectively, has always been envious of the fact that I have the safest seat in the country"

Simon: "I would too, if arsed kissed neo-ENRON!"

Jason: "That has nothing to do with it, you know as well as me, the amount of people that voted for me in the last election"

Simon: "Yes, two hundred, ok go on about it some more!"

Jerry Jerry Jerry!

Not really sure how this joke ends, oh ofcourse, the blood test! JERRY JERRY JERRY!
« Last Edit: 19/03/2016 02:40:36 by Jolly »
 

Offline Jolly

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Re: Jokes thread. :)
« Reply #16 on: 19/03/2016 02:12:54 »
cut to news room

Presenter:- ´The new chicken tree has been claimed by monsanto to be the ultimate answer in solving world food shortages a spokesman for the company had this to say "we finally managed to get the chicken tree to produce chickens, we are still having proplems developing bugers and kebabs but hopfully this marks a new start for the company"

In other new this evening a spider goat escaped a research facility, giant webs have been noticed, people have been advised to stay indoors.´
 

Offline Jolly

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Re: Jokes thread. :)
« Reply #17 on: 19/03/2016 02:22:31 »
So in honor of Game of Thrones as season six is just a month away.... I'm gonna post here a GOT joke :)

Sneaky Guy "You are not the horse you ride! You are not how much gold you have in your little bag! You´re not you´re f-in reins! You are the all singing, all dancing! Muck of the seven kingdoms! Ready to get shot over the wall imp? F-in Space imp!"

Sneaky guys lying girl friend: "What is this?"

Sneaky guy: "Project ladder!"

Sneaky guys lying girl friend: "what happened to ho club?"

Sneaky guy: "Ho club was just the beggining, now we are moving out of the whore houses and into the world!"

Sneaky guys lying girl friend: "By firing imps at the bank of brothers?"

Sneaky guy: "for now, yes"

Sneaky guys lying girlfriend: "What are they all going to do in there?"

Sneaky guy: "wonderful things, many many wonderful things, hide charts, change numbers, put tables in different places and chairs too"

Sneaky guys lying girl friend: "What does this have to do with ladders?"

Sneaky guy "Shuu, the first rule of project ladder is you dont ask questions about project ladder, now help me load the last imp in the catapult"

 

Offline Jolly

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Re: Jokes thread. :)
« Reply #18 on: 19/03/2016 02:33:06 »
Latvian "Yes the magical, marvioulos, mystery, mopnthly monday manic Emm,, bugger I said it again republic"

Newly freed slave ;) "M Republic?"

Lavitain "Yes, M, for missing" turns to captin "does that work?" captin "Just go with it"
« Last Edit: 19/03/2016 02:35:15 by Jolly »
 

Offline cornemuse

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Re: Jokes thread. :)
« Reply #19 on: 17/04/2016 17:46:50 »
Never believe atoms, they make up everything.

*************

A photon checks into a hotel.
The clerk asks if he needs help with his luggage.
The photon replies, " I don't have any, I'm traveling light."

First post here, , , ,

-cornemuse-
 

Offline Aemilius

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Re: Jokes thread. :)
« Reply #20 on: 29/04/2016 18:08:13 »
Did you hear the one about the shark researcher who couldn't decide whether
to buy an expensive shark cage or just take his chances?

He figured that either way.... it was going to cost him an arm and a leg!
 

Offline Karen W.

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Re: Jokes thread. :)
« Reply #21 on: 11/07/2016 01:13:28 »
I was reading the story of Noah to one of our granchildren when I realised he had taken beer on board the ark.
He didn't take very much, just Toucans.

I'm not sure she got the joke, but then not everyone gets my strange sense of humour :)

THATS VERY CUTE! I love it!
 

Offline Karen W.

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Re: Jokes thread. :)
« Reply #22 on: 11/07/2016 01:19:08 »
Q: What kind of shoes do frogs prefer?

A: "Open-toad" sandals...

He hee hee...I love that one...Its perfectly right up my alley and at m
my  own speed !!! Lol...
 

Offline Karen W.

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Re: Jokes thread. :)
« Reply #23 on: 11/07/2016 01:20:15 »
Q: What kind of shoes do frogs prefer?

Alternative answer:

"Flip-hops"
Hee hee..thats a good answer too!
 

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Re: Jokes thread. :)
« Reply #23 on: 11/07/2016 01:20:15 »

 

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