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Author Topic: Is it dangerous to ejaculate whilst sitting on the edge of a sofa?  (Read 3622 times)

Offline syhprum

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May I urge caution the excellent publication by Sir Robert Baden-Powell is available online
 

Offline chiralSPO

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perhaps looking up the "million dollar spot" might be a place to start... (probably not NSFW)
 

Offline spjgriw

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I'll make this as basic and easy as possible. Just yes/no answers to two questions:

1. Have you ever sat on the edge of a sofa and ejaculated?
2. Did you injure your pelvic floor whilst ejaculating?

 

Offline alancalverd

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Got to start somewhere. If even 10 people reply and all of them have masturbated safely in this position then there is evidence to suggest that it is not inevitably dangerous.

On the contrary. Allow me to present an expert opinion. I will work through an introduction to clinical trial planning, using published statistics.

Suppose we run the experiment for a week. There are 25,000,000 men in the UK, of whom 90% will not admit to having to resort to this procedure at least once a week ("don't be silly, my wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/butler sees to that sort of thing").

Of 2,500,000, 75% live at home with mum or in shared digs and therefore do not do it on the settee.

Of 625,000 men who might do it on a settee, perhaps 10% will have one with a significantly rigid edge.

Of 62,500 men who might masturbate on the edge of a rigid settee, 80% will be interrupted by the phone/doorbell/kettle/something better on TV/falling asleep.

Half of the remaining 12,500 will suffer from premature ejaculation, failure to ejaculate, or erectile dysfunction

The probability of recruiting volunteers from the remaining 6,250 is about 10%, assuming you can get saturation coverage of newspapers and television. I think there's a joke in there somewhere, but let's keep a straight face for a moment....

We usually expect a 50% dropout rate from a volunteer panel if there is no financial incentive to complete the task, leaving about 312 active participants

Unless you are prepared to interview every active participant (and you won't know who they are, because they will be randomly distributed among the 25,000,000 population) you can expect a 10% return of postal questionnaires - about 32.

So if you get 10 reported survivors from a one-week national survey, you will have killed at least 20 of those who would have completed the task and survey but died in the service of science.

That would not be considered by any ethics committee to be an adequate demonstration of safety. 

The European Union's overriding ethical principle is "precautionary", and this must be applied by controlled escalation, so as I said earlier, do it yourself fiorst. Our a priori estimate, as shown above, is of 75% fatality, so if you survive three sessions you would be justified in revising the risk and escalating to a Phase 1 "in house" trial with a panel of paid "professional" subjects with adequately informed consent. With less than 10% fatalities in the trial group you could then extend to say 1000 desperate men whose life expectancy has been compromised by inadequate masturbation: this is called a Phase 2 trial for which the ethics committee would demand accurate specifications and measurements and a commitment to publish your results.     

Things get more complicated if you want to conduct the trial in the USA. It's a tempting idea because from what we know of gun crime and the popularity of Donald Trump, there are many more lonely wnakers in the States than in the UK. But the Food and Drugs Administration demands not merely proof of safety, but "superiority". And here you have a real problem. What, on God's green earth, can masturbating on the edge of a hard sofa, be superior to? 
 
The following users thanked this post: Semaphore

Offline spjgriw

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What part of yes or no don't you understand?
 

Offline alancalverd

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If the answer was a simple yes or no, you would have found it by now from the internet or a textbook. Clearly the reason you have posed the question on a science forum is because you aren't satisfied with the textbook answer, or there isn't one. And that's why we have qualified doctors and scientists on hand to help you conduct and evaluate an experiment. 
 

Offline Semaphore

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Got to start somewhere. If even 10 people reply and all of them have masturbated safely in this position then there is evidence to suggest that it is not inevitably dangerous.

On the contrary. Allow me to present an expert opinion. I will work through an introduction to clinical trial planning, using published statistics.

Suppose we run the experiment for a week. There are 25,000,000 men in the UK, of whom 90% will not admit to having to resort to this procedure at least once a week ("don't be silly, my wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/butler sees to that sort of thing").

Of 2,500,000, 75% live at home with mum or in shared digs and therefore do not do it on the settee.

Of 625,000 men who might do it on a settee, perhaps 10% will have one with a significantly rigid edge.

Of 62,500 men who might masturbate on the edge of a rigid settee, 80% will be interrupted by the phone/doorbell/kettle/something better on TV/falling asleep.

Half of the remaining 12,500 will suffer from premature ejaculation, failure to ejaculate, or erectile dysfunction

The probability of recruiting volunteers from the remaining 6,250 is about 10%, assuming you can get saturation coverage of newspapers and television. I think there's a joke in there somewhere, but let's keep a straight face for a moment....

We usually expect a 50% dropout rate from a volunteer panel if there is no financial incentive to complete the task, leaving about 312 active participants

Unless you are prepared to interview every active participant (and you won't know who they are, because they will be randomly distributed among the 25,000,000 population) you can expect a 10% return of postal questionnaires - about 32.

So if you get 10 reported survivors from a one-week national survey, you will have killed at least 20 of those who would have completed the task and survey but died in the service of science.

That would not be considered by any ethics committee to be an adequate demonstration of safety. 

The European Union's overriding ethical principle is "precautionary", and this must be applied by controlled escalation, so as I said earlier, do it yourself fiorst. Our a priori estimate, as shown above, is of 75% fatality, so if you survive three sessions you would be justified in revising the risk and escalating to a Phase 1 "in house" trial with a panel of paid "professional" subjects with adequately informed consent. With less than 10% fatalities in the trial group you could then extend to say 1000 desperate men whose life expectancy has been compromised by inadequate masturbation: this is called a Phase 2 trial for which the ethics committee would demand accurate specifications and measurements and a commitment to publish your results.     

Things get more complicated if you want to conduct the trial in the USA. It's a tempting idea because from what we know of gun crime and the popularity of Donald Trump, there are many more lonely wnakers in the States than in the UK. But the Food and Drugs Administration demands not merely proof of safety, but "superiority". And here you have a real problem. What, on God's green earth, can masturbating on the edge of a hard sofa, be superior to?

Alan, that's really very good.
 

Offline spjgriw

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If the answer was a simple yes or no, you would have found it by now from the internet or a textbook. Clearly the reason you have posed the question on a science forum is because you aren't satisfied with the textbook answer, or there isn't one. And that's why we have qualified doctors and scientists on hand to help you conduct and evaluate an experiment.

The answer to both my questions are a simply yes or no. Take you for example, if you are unable to answer yes or no to

1. Have you ever sat on the edge of a sofa and ejaculated?
2. Did you injure your pelvic floor whilst ejaculating?


Then you are either mentally ill, possess an incredibly short memory, or you are being purposely facetious.


 

Offline chiralSPO

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The answer to both my questions are a simply yes or no. Take you for example, if you are unable to answer yes or no to

1. Have you ever sat on the edge of a sofa and ejaculated?
2. Did you injure your pelvic floor whilst ejaculating?


Then you are either mentally ill, possess an incredibly short memory, or you are being purposely facetious.

Please keep it civil. No one here is beholden to answer your questions. Ultimately, I think you may find that it is somewhat difficult to attract answers to questions about people's masturbation habits, especially in a forum that is open to the public (even if some degree of anonymity is afforded).
 

Offline spjgriw

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I am being perfectly civil. It is rather uncivil to continually berate, mock, and make fun of someone who is asking a question to a forum in good faith. I am taking this issue seriously,  I have and continue to ask you to do me the courtesy of doing the same.
 

Offline alancalverd

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Simply asking the questions here will not provide a scientifically useful answer. For a start, we are a very small sample of humanity, probably 25% female, and a fair number of contributors hold such weird ideas that they probably watch television or play computer games on their sofas.

Despite the use of noms de plume and pseudonyms, we are not fully anonymised so in many cases the answer to Q1 will be "none of your business".

If there was a significant incidence of survivable injury, however, I expect that at least one man with a social conscience, or a paramedic or casualty nurse, would by now have posted "don't try this at home".

So you would conclude that either it is perfectly safe,  or it is inevitably fatal, or no sane man has ever tried it. I would doubt the reliability of any of these conclusions.

If you  don't have the time or resources to carry out a scientific enquiry as I suggested, try writing to your Member of Parliament. They are renowned for their bizarre sexual proclivities and are required to answer constituents' questions or refer them to Ministers, within two weeks. At worst, you will get an official response from the Department of Health within a month. Though, having drafted some such responses, I must warn you that the phrase "this statistic is not collected centrally" turns up rather often. 
 

Offline spjgriw

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Has anyone ever sat of the edge of the sofa and ejaculated? (Just looking for an answer to this). Yes or no answer.
 

Offline alancalverd

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Almost certainly.

Will they tell you about it? Almost certainly not.
 

Offline spjgriw

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Has anyone ever sat on the edge of the sofa and masturbated?
 

Offline alancalverd

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Almost certainly.
 

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