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Offline Boxcar

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Age gaps in relationships.
« on: 17/07/2007 14:50:36 »
Hey guys, I've joined this forum because I want to discuss the topic of age gaps in relationships, as in like, what's too far an age gap and the reason why that age gap gap is too far.

I'm posting on a science forum because I guessing that alot of the users are pretty intellegent and can offer alot to the discussion because I'm feeling kind of lost at the moment.

I started worring about it the other day when a friend of mine who's twenty five kissed another friend of mine who's like 16. When he was called on it though, his argument was something like "Well if I'm old enough to hang out with her, I'm old enough to kiss her". It doesn't feel that simple to me though. I wanted to talk to him about it but I thought I should give the topic some thought first. To me it kind of feels like because of the age gap, he hs kind of a sexual high ground you know, like more intimidating than attractive and maybe he was unknowingly using that to his advantage.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this? If you think I'm making a mountain out of a molehill please say so :)


 

Offline Simulated

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Age gaps in relationships.
« Reply #1 on: 17/07/2007 14:56:40 »
Well I really don't think there is a problem with this, but hey this is me a 13 year old that would like college girls. HAHA. There is like a 2 month difference between me and my girlfriend, but that ain't much of a difference. LoL. Just as long as the really like each other that's fine I guess, but if they are marring some old fart for his money when he dies. That's not right.
 

Offline dentstudent

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« Reply #2 on: 17/07/2007 15:06:27 »
Hey guys, I've joined this forum because I want to discuss the topic of age gaps in relationships, as in like, what's too far an age gap and the reason why that age gap gap is too far.

I'm posting on a science forum because I guessing that alot of the users are pretty intelligent [:0] and can offer alot to the discussion because I'm feeling kind of lost at the moment.

I started worring about it the other day when a friend of mine who's twenty five kissed another friend of mine who's like 16.

“like” 16, or actually is 16? ;) (pedantry….)


When he was called on it though, his argument was something like "Well if I'm old enough to hang out with her, I'm old enough to kiss her". It doesn't feel that simple to me though. I wanted to talk to him about it but I thought I should give the topic some thought first. To me it kind of feels like because of the age gap, he hs kind of a sexual high ground you know, like more intimidating than attractive and maybe he was unknowingly using that to his advantage.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this? If you think I'm making a mountain out of a molehill please say so :)

16 to 25 is quite a gap, at that age. It’s perhaps good to look at it in percent. 16 to 25 is a 56% age gap but is only 9 years. By the time they’re, say, 50 and 59, it’s hardly a gap at all! Perhaps your friend is a very mature 16 year old? Perhaps the 25 year old friend is not so mature? Perhaps they are mature, and know exactly what they’re doing? It’s very difficult to speculate at a distance, and without knowing the individuals involved.
However, I would say that it may be a flash in the pan, with a whole load of ego attached. I’d be flattered as hell, if I was 16 and I had the attention of a 25 babe! (Sorry, I’m assuming the guy is the younger? It doesn’t actually matter anyway…..).  I think this also has an input. Younger girls of 16 can see a real attraction in older guys – income, freedom, apartment etc etc, and it’s their first taste of a world without parental influence. As long as they are sensible (protection being paramount) and the guy isn’t a creep (they’re both your friends, so they must be ok!) I really don’t see a problem. It’ll pass sooner or later. I think that at this age, there is an enormous difference in actual life ambitions, and the disparity will soon become evident.
As I said earlier, this disparity reduces with age (I’m younger than my wife, my brother in law is 13 years older than his girlfriend) but as the age is somewhat older, the relative gap is neither here nor there.
Just be there for both of them when it’s over, as it surely will be……
 

Offline dentstudent

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« Reply #3 on: 17/07/2007 15:08:14 »
BTW, welcome to the forum! You're very welcome to post (pretty much) whatever you like!

And you're right, we're all devastatingly inte... inttell...intlee...clever.
 

Offline kdlynn

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« Reply #4 on: 17/07/2007 16:11:55 »
i just typed something very long and then accidentally hit delete. sigh... ok where do you live? because in the u.s. that's illegal. well... if they take it any further than kissing. secondly, a lot of young girls go through an older guy phase. i dated a twenty seven year old when i was nineteen. a girl i work with is eighteen and just started seeing a twenty five year old... the thing is, i did it to annoy my parents, and i'm pretty sure the girl at work is too.
 

Offline kdlynn

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« Reply #5 on: 17/07/2007 16:13:57 »
but i understand your concern because, although i did the same thing as the girl at work, i'm pretty worried about her right now. lol. of course i'm a little older and kind of more sensible now.
 

Offline dentstudent

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« Reply #6 on: 17/07/2007 16:16:38 »
i just typed something very long and then accidentally hit delete. sigh... ok where do you live? because in the u.s. that's illegal. well... if they take it any further than kissing. secondly, a lot of young girls go through an older guy phase. i dated a twenty seven year old when i was nineteen. a girl i work with is eighteen and just started seeing a twenty five year old... the thing is, i did it to annoy my parents, and i'm pretty sure the girl at work is too.

How annoying!

In the UK the age of sexual consent is 16.

I think you're right - there's often a phase thing.....
 

Offline Mirage

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« Reply #7 on: 17/07/2007 16:17:09 »
Howdy and welcome Boxcar  :)

Totally agree with you there Denty.

Age is an odd one really, and you can't help who you are attracted to.
I remember there used to be a woman here at my work that I was attracted to, and she was also attracted to me. I was 20 at that point and she was 29........age never really came into it.......well, didn't think it did  ;)

But we went out on a date and it was fine, I was mature for my age so that worked for her............although I seem to slip back and fourth between mature and immature  :D  ;)

My housemate, who I have known since I was 6, he has a younger sister who is 19 now, but even when she was 16 she was very mature for her age. It really just depends on the person I guess.
 

Offline kdlynn

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« Reply #8 on: 17/07/2007 16:20:46 »
ah... the age is eighteen over here.
 

Offline Karen W.

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« Reply #9 on: 17/07/2007 16:30:05 »
Age is 18! Otherwise you start getting into trouble with parents who could file assult charges on the adult!  You end up with a 25 year old who goes to jail child molestation or some such charge. Lands himself on the Sex offender list for the rest of his life! Not good....
 

Offline Karen W.

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« Reply #10 on: 17/07/2007 16:30:58 »
Really if they are in the states its best wait till she is of age!
 

paul.fr

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Age gaps in relationships.
« Reply #11 on: 17/07/2007 16:55:48 »
I think there is a social stigma between the ages of people in a relationship. Then ofcourse it depends on who is olders, the male or the female.
When the female is older then this semms ok, and the lad is "lucky", when the male is older he is seen as some sort of predator who should know better.

Then again girls mature faster than boys, this is a tricky subject as your own and societies prejudices come in to play.

As for the age of consent in the States, this varies from state to state. here is a quick guide: http://www.coolnurse.com/consent.htm
 

Offline Karen W.

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« Reply #12 on: 17/07/2007 17:00:34 »
It is a tricky subject! I have dealt with it with my own family! It is hard to call!
 

Offline Boxcar

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« Reply #13 on: 17/07/2007 18:37:20 »
Aw cool, thanks for replying guys.

I'm not a bit worried about the legal implications of it. I'm like talking about like if anyone thinks what he did was a bit cuddled like.

"Younger girls of 16 can see a real attraction in older guys – income, freedom, apartment etc etc, and it’s their first taste of a world without parental influence."

Do you not think though, that it's stuff like that that kind of hinders the girl's judgement. Like in that way, I'm kind of getting the feeling that he's taking advantage of her, for want of a better word, naivity, if that even is a word.

Maybe I should lay down the situation in more detail. The dude (25) is a really witty guy, like always joking and taking the piss to the point where it's way hard ot tell when he's joking or not like. When he started coming on to the girl, she thought he was taking the piss like. The other night when a load of us (whheeyyyoohh) were at a festival yoke he started like putting his arms around her and kissing her forehead and stuff and again she thought he was joking and then he like kissed her
I don't think she's at all interested in a relationship with the guy but I think he definitely is.

I'm not so much worried about the girl though, as the guys descion like. As in was he in the wrong to go for a girl that age, morally now, never mind the law


"ok where do you live?"

Dublin, Ireland but that's all I'm giving away on that.;)
« Last Edit: 17/07/2007 22:40:28 by Karen W. »
 

Offline kdlynn

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« Reply #14 on: 17/07/2007 19:18:50 »
perhaps he feels that he can't get a girl his own age.
 

Offline Carolyn

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« Reply #15 on: 17/07/2007 19:29:57 »
I couldn't care less about the legal age of consent, my personal opinion is that 25 is far too old for any 16 year old - male or female.  I don't think that you should date anyone more than 2 years older than you from the age of 16 - 19.  Anything before 16 should stay in the same age group.

If my 16 year old daughter OR son went out with a 25 year old #h*t would hit the fan and heads would roll!!!

The older a person gets, it becomes less of an issue.  I wouldn't be thrilled if my 21 y.o. dated a 30 y.o., but I'd learn to live it, maybe. :-\

Personally, if I weren't married, 10 years older and maybe 5 years younger would probably be my limit.
 

Offline Mirage

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« Reply #16 on: 17/07/2007 19:40:22 »
I couldn't care less about the legal age of consent, my personal opinion is that 25 is far too old for any 16 year old - male or female.  I don't think that you should date anyone more than 2 years older than you from the age of 16 - 19.  Anything before 16 should stay in the same age group.

If my 16 year old daughter OR son went out with a 25 year old #h*t would hit the fan and heads would roll!!!

The older a person gets, it becomes less of an issue.  I wouldn't be thrilled if my 21 y.o. dated a 30 y.o., but I'd learn to live it, maybe. :-\

Personally, if I weren't married, 10 years older and maybe 5 years younger would probably be my limit.

10 years is probably my limit as well
 

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« Reply #17 on: 17/07/2007 20:52:08 »
There are a number of issues here.

As a few people have mentioned, the more significant factor factor is percentage age difference, not linear age difference.

I don't think there is much you can do about people falling in love with people of a very different age group - sometimes you just have to let people make their mistakes, and just let them know that if things go wrong (and they sometimes go right, despite breaking all the rules) that you will be there to support them.  Sometimes, as hard as it may seem, the only way to work out what is right and what is wrong is to try it.  If you interfere too much, they are not going to learn anything for themselves, and will not thank you for it.

Nor is it as simple as assuming the older person is taking advantage of the younger person.  Maybe the older person is just as vulnerable, in their own way (maybe they are going through an emotional turmoil that makes them need to reach out to someone, and the younger person just happened to be the person there).  Vulnerability is not always something that is simply inversely proportional to age.

There are no rights and wrongs, and all others can really do is to provide a parachute if your friend needs to bail out, but otherwise don't interfere (but that is true of any relationship - even if they were the same age, there is no guarantee it is the right relationship for them).
 

Offline Karen W.

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« Reply #18 on: 17/07/2007 22:38:08 »
I agree with you George..
 

Offline Boxcar

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« Reply #19 on: 18/07/2007 17:42:44 »
, my personal opinion is that 25 is far too old for any 16 year old - male or female.  I don't think that you should date anyone more than 2 years older than you from the age of 16 - 19.  Anything before 16 should stay in the same age group.

Is that opinion based on a gut feeling or can you back it up?
That's where I'm having trouble


Interesting post another someone. I've kind of stopped worrying about this individual situation. Like in fairness it was just a kiss. I'm still a bit worried about the guy though.

Why did Karen W edit my last post?
 

Offline Karen W.

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« Reply #20 on: 18/07/2007 18:21:13 »
I edited your post as obscenities are not allowed in the forum.. you used the "F" word and it is my Job to edit it! The system did not.. I did! in its place you will find the word cuddled!! I did not say anything because you did not seem to do it out of blatant disrespect just an error..

Since you ask I will assume you did not know or read the forum rules and I suggest you go back and do that! We are a family site and try to keep the use of vulgar language down.. I know you understand that .. so that is why!

Please carry on.. We are glad for your participation in the forum and hope you find it a helpful place to seek answers to many questions!

Karen W.
 

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Age gaps in relationships.
« Reply #21 on: 18/07/2007 19:14:29 »
I couldn't care less about the legal age of consent, my personal opinion is that 25 is far too old for any 16 year old - male or female.  I don't think that you should date anyone more than 2 years older than you from the age of 16 - 19. anything before 16 should stay in the same age group.

If my 16 year old daughter OR son went out with a 25 year old #h*t would hit the fan and heads would roll!!!

The older a person gets, it becomes less of an issue.  I wouldn't be thrilled if my 21 y.o. dated a 30 y.o., but I'd learn to live it, maybe. :-\

Personally, if I weren't married, 10 years older and maybe 5 years younger would probably be my limit.

I always love your posts Carolyn, I completely agree with you, but 10 years older, then you would be 10 years younger than them. Surely it should go both ways?

Oh thought I should add that in china a 6-7 year age gap both higher and lower, is considered best but thats all to do with the animals etc.

I would say that some people have got together with big age gaps and lasted, others haven't.

Hey Boxcar it was only a kiss, he probably should have known better but thats life we all make silly mistakes from time to time.

And if all the girls his age weren't off with guys in there 30´s there would be no problem, would there. :)
 

Offline Carolyn

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« Reply #22 on: 18/07/2007 21:45:16 »
, my personal opinion is that 25 is far too old for any 16 year old - male or female.  I don't think that you should date anyone more than 2 years older than you from the age of 16 - 19.  Anything before 16 should stay in the same age group.

Is that opinion based on a gut feeling or can you back it up?
That's where I'm having trouble


Interesting post another someone. I've kind of stopped worrying about this individual situation. Like in fairness it was just a kiss. I'm still a bit worried about the guy though.

Why did Karen W edit my last post?


Hi Boxcar - my opinion is based on my personal experiences and those of my childhood friends.  All of the girls in my group loved the idea of dating someone older, and some of us did.  The majority of us that dated much older men got into situations that none of us were mentally equipped to handle.  Some of us were fortunate and didn't get hurt, others weren't so fortunate.

I also had guy friends that dated older girls, most of them got their hearts broken.

Those are the rules in our house...you date in your own age group!  And Nic, before your even ask....BECAUSE I'M THE MOM AND I SAY SO!!! ;D
 

Offline Mirage

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« Reply #23 on: 18/07/2007 21:49:40 »
, my personal opinion is that 25 is far too old for any 16 year old - male or female.  I don't think that you should date anyone more than 2 years older than you from the age of 16 - 19.  Anything before 16 should stay in the same age group.

Is that opinion based on a gut feeling or can you back it up?
That's where I'm having trouble


Interesting post another someone. I've kind of stopped worrying about this individual situation. Like in fairness it was just a kiss. I'm still a bit worried about the guy though.

Why did Karen W edit my last post?


Hi Boxcar - my opinion is based on my personal experiences and those of my childhood friends.  All of the girls in my group loved the idea of dating someone older, and some of us did.  The majority of us that dated much older men got into situations that none of us were mentally equipped to handle.  Some of us were fortunate and didn't get hurt, others weren't so fortunate.

I also had guy friends that dated older girls, most of them got their hearts broken.

Those are the rules in our house...you date in your own age group!  And Nic, before your even ask....BECAUSE I'M THE MOM AND I SAY SO!!! ;D


Problem is though hun, you're gonna get hurt with any relationship that doesn't work, that's the way of it. God knows I've had my share  ;)

Although chatting to some of my mates, they live older women, due to experience I'm afraid  ;)
 

Offline Carolyn

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« Reply #24 on: 18/07/2007 21:56:59 »
I couldn't care less about the legal age of consent, my personal opinion is that 25 is far too old for any 16 year old - male or female.  I don't think that you should date anyone more than 2 years older than you from the age of 16 - 19. anything before 16 should stay in the same age group.

If my 16 year old daughter OR son went out with a 25 year old #h*t would hit the fan and heads would roll!!!

The older a person gets, it becomes less of an issue.  I wouldn't be thrilled if my 21 y.o. dated a 30 y.o., but I'd learn to live it, maybe. :-\

Personally, if I weren't married, 10 years older and maybe 5 years younger would probably be my limit.

I always love your posts Carolyn, I completely agree with you, but 10 years older, then you would be 10 years younger than them. Surely it should go both ways?

Hi Jolly - What a nice thing to say, I've enjoyed your posts as well.  Forgive me for not responding, sometimes I'm just not very talkative.  

It doesn't go both ways for me.  I wouldn't have a problem dating someone 10 years older and probably would consider 15 years or more, but I couldn't see myself dating someone that much younger.  Truthfully 5 years younger than me is probably too much.  I know it's all mental, but I would feel like their mom. Yes, if I were single I would be more inclined to date/marry someone older, but ideally we would be within a few years of each other.

I am married to a younger man.......4 months younger. ;D
 

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« Reply #24 on: 18/07/2007 21:56:59 »

 

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