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Author Topic: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!  (Read 46237 times)

jolly

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Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!
« on: 22/07/2007 13:07:00 »
Come one and all and please post your jokes, funny stories from your day or past, or other peoples.

It is in the end all gravy baby ;D!!!!!!
« Last Edit: 29/07/2007 17:11:05 by jolly »


 

jolly

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« Reply #1 on: 22/07/2007 13:07:08 »
             Supper at the Jone's

Husband: ´You see what it is dear is that, it´s so hard to find an art form that nobody else bloody likes´

Wife: ´Yes I know, Oh this artist makes sculptures out of snot shall we go?´

Husband: ´Oh no there was a two page article on him in the daily Star

Wife: ´And how do you know that?´

Husband: ´The gardener showed me´

Wife: ´The gardener is on holiday´

Husband: ´I meant plummer!´
« Last Edit: 23/07/2007 13:50:57 by jolly »
 

jolly

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« Reply #2 on: 22/07/2007 13:08:05 »
How mant idiots does it take to change a light bulb?

We dont know, they still haven´t managed to change it yet!
 

jolly

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« Reply #3 on: 22/07/2007 13:21:49 »
                                  The board meeting:

Chairman: "Item 18 on todays agenda ´We´re all whores of Satan´ right, Tom you were looking in to this one what have you come up with?"

Tom: "Well apparently, the fact that we think about no one other than ourselves, have put greed at the top of our agenda, consistently break the law, and act utterly unethically has lead some in the religious community to believe that Satan is our quote ´lord and master´

Chairman: "and what is this thing, unethically?

Tom: "yeah I'm still not sure about that one"

Chairman: "Well do any of you know?.... Right OK....

BEEP

Janet: "Yes, MEGATRON?

Chairman: "Janet! I'm in a meeting"

Janet: "Oh, so what do you want then?

Chairman: "Can you look up the word unethically for me"


 
« Last Edit: 23/07/2007 13:51:34 by jolly »
 

jolly

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« Reply #4 on: 22/07/2007 13:50:52 »
ALL FOR MUFF, AND MUFF FOR ALL!

But thats not actually a joke :)
« Last Edit: 24/07/2007 13:03:50 by jolly »
 

jolly

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« Reply #5 on: 22/07/2007 14:37:31 »
                 A Day in the life of a Chemist:

your alarm gos off 6:30. you argue with your wife about the best way to make toast, and as always, she still doesn't understand that the milk should be put in the cup first with the coffee. (don't ask, just try to listen and understand) but she doesn't and always burns the granules. You then drive to work annoyed about your coffee but happy as today will be the day, you finally find that bloody waterstones book voucher you lost last year (it's only for £2,50 but you want it back).
Then once you arrive at work, you have 'cordial' conversations with your fellow work 'mates' by telling them that, they really did well that last chess match, even though you 'know' he moved that bishop when he thought you weren't looking, but it doesn't matter as you moved your queen 3 moves later and won. You then once in your office, sit round thinking of new ways to waste money. errrmm wait a minute some more thinking then lunch. You have a thinking power lunch with others like yourself. I mean no one else has anything interesting to say, you sit discussing the many issues of the day these include: whatever happened to the likely lads, why you had a cheese sandwich on white and brown bread(best of both), and if the atomic structure of milk in some way helps stabilize your coffee(teas got too much caffeine and messes up the maths).
After lunch and a 3 hour power nap. You stroll back to your office, and try to ponder where you left your car keys, not that you want your car keys of course, you just know as Descartes said that if you think you know your alive, tomorrow you'll be looking for something else but right now its the keys. then you find them, not hard really, you knew where they were all along. but Wait, because then comes the important stuff, which you spent years studying for. you tidy your desk, and neatly place back all ur pens and pencils.
Then, surrounded by peace and a clean desk. You ponder why on earth your wife is threatening to leave you. You then see the reality and relax, you see and understand with Cristal clarity that women don't get it and never will, because there not men and only men can get it! Then you take out the sudoko and your special pencil, which you got on holiday in Scarborough. The rubbers nearly gone but its o.k your going back to Scarborough in a few months.
Then there you are the whole of the universe laid out before you the stars and the many planets spinning round and around. you wonder how much would it cost to make a cow fly or a beaver dance. Then you look at your watch and realise that its 5am again. and you throw all your pencils in the air and run to your car and drive home.
You drive fast but its o.k theres no one else on the road and your customized vw beatle will hold true after all you built it(well added a spoiler) don't ask about the flowers its eco-friendly (trees are too unstable). You creep into bed. And pray your wife did iron your tie for tomorrow and you consider what would happen if she hadn't. Then your alarm gos. and you know you lived the whole of the day before apart from that dam power nap you were living and thinking the whole way through it.

not a bad life really I always wanted to be a plummer ( like Mario, just somehow stumbled into this stuff). I just never quite made it. Still Scarborough next month. Reminds me to think about that pencil and the crap coffee I'm about to drink.

       
 

jolly

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« Reply #6 on: 22/07/2007 14:39:10 »
How many scientist does it take to change a light bulb?
9
1 thinks about the bulb are where in the cosmos the bulb could be.
2. others think about what the bulb might look like if they ever find it.
3. considers the implications of changing the bulb if they ever find it
2.wonder if they really even need to change it.
1. the 9th scientist says come on lads could god even change it.
 
I say for God sake you work in a cupboard. Its over your head.   
 

jolly

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« Reply #7 on: 22/07/2007 17:34:26 »
                      CEO HEAVEN!!!!!!!

OK, So you go through a turn style, and this robot thats very badly maintained says(in a robot voice)

"please place 20,000 credits in the slot! Thats 20,000 each!"

And the people pay

Robot: "OK welcome to Heaven, you can collect your tour guide pamphlet from the box over there, the pamphlet must be returned at the end of your tour, they cost 20 credits should you not be able to return them as received, but then the robot that checks the pamphlets condition hasn't been working very well lately, so you might be alright, but don't take my word for it, I'm made to rob you of every credit I can, Oh I didn't just say that, if the manager-bot heard me say that, I really be for it.... the toilets are out of order and the gift shop is by the exit; Enjoy your visit!

And then you walk down a conveyor belt that stopped working years ago and walk past glassed in areas and a speaker that isn't working properly either says things like "this is where the angels used to play games"   
« Last Edit: 24/07/2007 12:45:03 by jolly »
 

Offline Barnacle

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« Reply #8 on: 22/07/2007 17:46:52 »
One in five people are Chinese im told.
But i dont  believe it
and neither do my five friends, Alice, Joe, Charles, Beatrice and Wang.
 

jolly

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« Reply #9 on: 23/07/2007 13:12:00 »
I don't know if any of you remember the T.v show God's gift´ hope some of you do.

I was for some bazaar reason reminded of it today, I think many men used to watch this show, trying to better understand women, but I don't think it helped.

I remember very well the guy who won because he could juggle bananas- never quite understood that!
Does anyone remember this show? 

If the guy that juggled the bananas is reading this and saying no I won coz I'm fit, I would just like to say, No sorry you had like two girls vote for you before the banana juggling and then suddenly- wosh, they all came running.

And all the boys at home said what a WXXXXX and turned the T.V off.
Then said
 
Boy: "MUM!... MUM!"

Mum: "What?"

Boy: "Have we got any bananas?"

Mum: "what?"

Boy: "have we got any banans?"

Mum: "theres some in the kitchen"

Boy: "ok"....."Mum!"

Mum: "what?"

Boy: "Theres only two, have you got any more

mum: "no"

Boy: "oh have we got any cucumbers"

Mum: "There´s one in the fridge, why what are you doing?

Boy: "Nothing! Can you get some more bananas?"

Mum: "Yes when I go shopping".

Boy: "well, when are you going shopping?"

Mum: "tomorrow!"

Boy: "o.k"

So then you go to school the next day thinking I'm in, got the banana juggling down, you walk into the play ground, and all the other boys are banana juggling to, then it all becomes about who has the best banana juggling spot, but before you even get to that the girls say

Girl: "you haven´t even got enough bananas, look it's a gherkin"

You: "nooo! It´s a cucumber! and my mums going shopping today and then I´ll have enough bananas, Big bananas too!"

Girl: "you wouldn't even know what to do with a big banana, go away with your gherkin!"

you: "IT´S A CUCUMBER!!!"

And you leave disgraced. Then when you get home you say "mum where are the bananas?"

And she says: "I couldn't get any"

You: "WHY?"

Mum: "They sold out"

So then you have to go to school and watch the other boys banana juggle from the window; finally the day comes that you do get some bananas and you run into the playground all excited but no-ones banana juggling anymore, they all have girlfriends now don't they! Yeah...

The only girl left is Lois hotpot, and she won't go out with you because you spent the last three years, every lunch time, calling her the flea queen and throwing food at her!

And you curse the day it was, that you watched Gods gift!!!!!!

-------------------------------------------------------

I am sure that it was the banana juggling that ended the show:

Producer: "Davina, what's going on with the girls tonight? I mean do women really like banana jugglers?"

Davina: "well yeah!"

Producer: "Oh...oh, wait a minute, thats a chimp in a mini skirt, whats going on?"

Davina: "Oh, we had some probs getting enough girls tonight, so I dressed up a few chimps"

Producer: "Davina, that it show is cancelled"

Davina: "There female chimps"

Producer: "I don't care, you can't use chimps!"

Davina: "well why not? I mean there like 99.5% the same as us...."

Producer: "Davina, I just spent the last 30 minutes learning to juggle bananas!!! show´s cancelled!!!!!"

   
« Last Edit: 25/07/2007 12:28:28 by jolly »
 

jolly

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« Reply #10 on: 23/07/2007 13:16:24 »
                      CEO HEAVEN!!!!!!!

OK, So you go through a turn style, and this robot thats very badly maintained says(in a robot voice)

"please place 20,000 credits in the slot! Thats 20,000 each!"

And the people pay

Robot: "OK welcome to Heaven, you can collect your tour guide pamphlet from the box over there, the pamphlet must be returned at the end of your tour, they cost 20 credits should you not be able to return them as received, but then the robot that checks the pamphlets condition hasn't been working very well lately, so you might be alright, but don't take my word for it, I'm made to rob you of every credit I can, Oh I didn't just say that, if the manager-bot heard me say that, I really be for it.... Enjoy your visit!

And then you walk down a conveyor belt that stopped working years ago and walk past glassed in areas and a speaker that isn't working properly either says things like "this is where the angels used to play games"   

                  CEO HELL

Is basically the same as heaven except the Devil walks about outside protesting with a banner that reads ´I only let him in to sort the books out´

Oh and the speakers says things like "This is where the demons used to torture people with fire"
« Last Edit: 25/07/2007 13:14:31 by jolly »
 

jolly

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« Reply #11 on: 23/07/2007 13:29:14 »
I thought I would post ´the best of lily 2007´

But really as 2007 is not over, it shall be titled

THE BEST OF MY LILY POST MARCH TO JULY 2007!!!!!


I really like lily.....


No seriously, I really like her......


Why hasn't she got back to me yet?............


If me and lily had a baby I would call it:- Jollily......


She still hasn't got back to me.... Maybe she thinks I'm weird.....


I think the reason I like lily is- like he said in the film ´full metal jacket´:

"Private Joker has balls, and balls are enough"........ :)


I do not own a blow up life size lily doll......


Happy birthday lily + poem I forget..........

Nonscientific prankster seeks: lily .....
to help increase the amount of funny named children currently walking the planet........


I think I'm gonna give up on the ask out lily idea......


The monk said to me the other day that- "if you chase girls they run away, and if you run away the girls chase you"

But I don't believe it, because I'm thinking about becoming a monk now and lily still hasn't got back to me!!!!


Lily your a boy and I´m a girl... I mean I´m a girl and your a boy... wait... I know what I mean, will you marry me, I mean go on a date, I knew what I meant, oh forget it!

Right, thats it! I'm gonna stop posting about her......


Might stop.....


NO, NO, I am definitely going to stop.......

I thought I should replace the wiped articles all together ;D
« Last Edit: 25/07/2007 12:32:05 by jolly »
 

jolly

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« Reply #12 on: 23/07/2007 13:44:00 »
M.A Meeting continued....

Councilour: "So any questions for James?"

Other CEO who we shall call
John: "Yes, I have a question, When was it that you first thought about being MEGATRON?"

James: "Oh I think it was back in the 80´s, we had just released a new product, which if you used it increased your chances of getting cancer by about 60%, and I just thought ´Wow, even MEGATRON wouldn't be so deliciously evil, and wouldn't it be great if I could turn into a gun!
I could shoot the people that walked past my office and the turn back into me and the police could do nothing to prove it, and even if they could, I would just pay them off, HA HA HA! So naturally I climbed into my cabinet and demanded my secretary feed me cookies.
And from there it progressed, I started stuffing bits of cardboard down my trousers, bought my secretary an RC helmet, and forced her to memories the universal greeting!"
« Last Edit: 24/07/2007 13:40:09 by jolly »
 

jolly

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« Reply #13 on: 23/07/2007 13:46:13 »
One in five people are Chinese im told.
But i dont  believe it
and neither do my five friends, Alice, Joe, Charles, Beatrice and Wang.

Well exactly, they are all good American names! Especially Beatrice ;)
« Last Edit: 25/07/2007 12:34:00 by jolly »
 

jolly

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« Reply #14 on: 24/07/2007 12:49:10 »
                      CEO HEAVEN!!!!!!!

OK, So you go through a turn style, and this robot thats very badly maintained says(in a robot voice)

"please place 20,000 credits in the slot! Thats 20,000 each!"

And the people pay

Robot: "OK welcome to Heaven, you can collect your tour guide pamphlet from the box over there, the pamphlet must be returned at the end of your tour, they cost 20 credits should you not be able to return them as received, but then the robot that checks the pamphlets condition hasn't been working very well lately, so you might be alright, but don't take my word for it, I'm made to rob you of every credit I can, Oh I didn't just say that, if the manager-bot heard me say that, I really be for it.... Enjoy your visit!

And then you walk down a conveyor belt that stopped working years ago and walk past glassed in areas and a speaker that isn't working properly either says things like "this is where the angels used to play games"   

                  CEO HELL

Is basically the same as heaven except the Devil walks about outside protesting with a banner that reads ´I only let him in to sort the books out´

Oh and the speakers says things like "This is where the demons use to torture people with fire"

And you all know what the CEOs are thinking right now dont you? Thats right they`re thinking:

´Only 20 credits for a pamphlet, just give them away why dont you, they should be 50 atleast!!!!!´
« Last Edit: 25/07/2007 13:12:17 by jolly »
 

jolly

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« Reply #15 on: 24/07/2007 13:02:43 »

                           HEAVEN!!!!!!!

So I had this idea that when you die, you follow the light and then end up walking through fog and mist and eventually it clears and there you are outside the door to heaven.

Right, and outside are load of people sitting around staring at the floor.
 
It's really quite, so you knock at the door, then suddenly it opens and loads of laughter pours out from inside, and some angel sticks their head out still giggling and says "yes?"

Dead person: "Yeah, hi, can I come in?"

Someone else inside also laughing says "Who is it?"

And the angel replies while laughting: "It's some guy he wants to come in"

The angel in the background says: "Well has he been a good boy?"

And laughting the angel says "I'll ask him..(laughting)..He wants to know if you have been a good boy?" carrys on laughting...

some guy: "well yeah, thats why I'm here surely?"

In the background again the voice says: "Ask him how many fundamentalists it takes to change a light bulb!"

And the angel tries to tell the joke but cant stop laughting....

but the guy heard the angel ask and says: "I don't know, how many?

And the angel still laughting says: "just one" and then colapses laughting And the guy laughs too.

And they let him in and as he´s walking through the door he asks "who are all that lot sitting outside morosely?"

The angel replies: "Oh, there fundamentalists, they don't get anything!"
 
Some guy: "So what they just sit there forever?"

Angel: "Oh no, as soon as they get a sense of humour we let them in.

Some guy: "well why don't you just let them in now?"

Angel: "No way we tried that, frank let one in a few years back took us months to recover, he started alphabetising the socks and all sorts"

Some guy: "how do you alphabetise socks?"

Angel: "well exactly, he had to write names in them all first, but don't even get me started, I mean look at him over there 30 years he´s been sitting there, never even managed a smile! Justin often comes out and does some party tricks for them but they all just stare at him!"  
 

jolly

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« Reply #16 on: 24/07/2007 13:19:50 »
It went something like....

For years the different universities argued between themselves, about which university it was, that the monkey that invented the wheel, went to.

Finally it was agreed that it must have been either ox-fad or cainbridge, and so these two then took up the consistent fight for the right, to write on a little plaque:

"DR Simion Wheel, the monkey who invented the wheel, went to this university"

But neither could really ever, for all the arguments, say: "It was here".

But then one day a brilliant professor said "I have a solution: I, plus a group from my university shall climb into this little boat, then you and a group from your university shall also climb into a little boat.
O.k, then we shall paddle as fast as we can, which ever boat is first to cross the imaginary line up ahead, is not only more intelligent but also shall be allowed to claim that the monkey that invented the wheel went to their university."

but the they lost and the professor said "no wait, best of three"

And so the boat race was born!!!
« Last Edit: 25/07/2007 13:32:01 by jolly »
 

jolly

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« Reply #17 on: 25/07/2007 12:48:25 »
My french book reads:

In 1689, the ottoman turks were marauding through Europe. They laid siege to Vienna. The city resisted and finally managed to beat off all the invaders. So to commemorate the event they made banana shaped pastries.

And often it was that the army would arrive at some village.

Army: "come out!"

Villagers: "No, go back to your own village!"

Army: "No, there was a plague last year all the girls are dead, except Lois Hotpot and she wont come anywhere near us, because we all spent our time at school calling her the flea queen and throwing food at her. Even worse non of us can banana juggle, come out!"

Villager: "OK, OK, were sending out Penelope melonhead, but don't throw food at her!"
 

jolly

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« Reply #18 on: 25/07/2007 13:06:59 »
                     Board Games

OK Shoddopoly

Right, no one tells the banker, good idea to have a fundamentalist in this role, but good luck finding one that plays games.
OK, now, you spend your time stealing property from the box, putting houses where there weren't any, stealing money from other players and the box, paying the other players to love you, paying your way out of jail, but this is all done without the other players not involved or the banker seeing, so it's all winks and nods; with under the table action!
The winner is the person who manages to buy the bank off the banker!

Hungry Hungry CEOs!

Watch this space for:- Ninja Cricket, Fundamentalist Twister and Nazi Risk!
   
 

jolly

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« Reply #19 on: 25/07/2007 13:10:44 »

                           HEAVEN!!!!!!!

So I had this idea that when you die, you follow the light and then end up walking through fog and mist and eventually it clears and there you are outside the door to heaven.

Right, and outside are load of people sitting around staring at the floor.
 
It's really quite, so you knock at the door, then suddenly it opens and loads of laughter pours out from inside, and some angel sticks their head out still giggling and says "yes?"

Dead person: "Yeah, hi, can I come in?"

Someone else inside also laughing says "Who is it?"

And the angel replies while laughting: "It's some guy he wants to come in"

The angel in the background says: "Well has he been a good boy?"

And laughting the angel says "I'll ask him..(laughting)..He wants to know if you have been a good boy?" carrys on laughting...

some guy: "well yeah, thats why I'm here surely?"

In the background again the voice says: "Ask him how many fundamentalists it takes to change a light bulb!"

And the angel tries to tell the joke but cant stop laughting....

but the guy heard the angel ask and says: "I don't know, how many?

And the angel still laughting says: "just one" and then colapses laughting And the guy laughs too.

And they let him in and as he´s walking through the door he asks "who are all that lot sitting outside morosely?"

The angel replies: "Oh, there fundamentalists, they don't get anything!"
 
Some guy: "So what they just sit there forever?"

Angel: "Oh no, as soon as they get a sense of humour we let them in.

Some guy: "well why don't you just let them in now?"

Angel: "No way we tried that, frank let one in a few years back took us months to recover, he started alphabetising the socks and all sorts"

Some guy: "how do you alphabetise socks?"

Angel: "well exactly, he had to write names in them all first, but don't even get me started, I mean look at him over there 30 years he´s been sitting there, never even managed a smile! Justin often comes out and does some party tricks for them but they all just stare at him!"  


And you all know what the fundamentalists are thinking don't you? Thats right they`re thinking:

"I only alphabetised my socks once, it was a long time ago, I mean I was in college!"
 

Offline Karen W.

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« Reply #20 on: 26/07/2007 00:19:11 »
LOL LOL! I don't know any jokes really so I will be the reader! LOL!
 

jolly

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« Reply #21 on: 29/07/2007 17:18:02 »
LOL LOL! I don't know any jokes really so I will be the reader! LOL!

Well post something that made you laugh. As a joke topic why not- CEO pillow talk! ;D
 

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« Reply #22 on: 29/07/2007 17:30:34 »
This should make you laugh.....

One of the nuns here asked me to help her with the grammer and spelling in her dissertation entitled ´An evaluation of missionary enterprise´ I said I would be honoured.
So I asked her if she was going to give me printouts to read but she said "the printers not working, you`ll have to correct it on the computer"

Anyway the introduction now reads:

In this paper thing, we is propper gonna be talking about some well interesting stuff like...what! Don't be eye ball-in me now!

In my defence I think the examiner will prefer it because in the original was boring, I mean she kept going on and on about missionaries, and all the things they did wrong and stuff. So I basically changed all that and added some jokes, so at least the examiner should laugh now! 
 

Offline Karen W.

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« Reply #23 on: 29/07/2007 17:41:20 »
I cannot think of anything to make me laugh right now....


How old is this NUN Jolly? LOL ...it will be quite funny if she is a lot older and her examiner has a good sense of humor and is not up tight! Who what is an examiner! Is she being tested ??
 

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« Reply #24 on: 29/07/2007 17:44:22 »
Wow every post was almost made by Jolly. LoL Now that's funny! JmJm.

Same as Karen. I don't know.
« Last Edit: 29/07/2007 17:49:00 by Simulated »
 

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« Reply #24 on: 29/07/2007 17:44:22 »

 

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