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Author Topic: Make me laugh: Again!!!!!!!!  (Read 46227 times)

sooyeah

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« Reply #75 on: 18/04/2008 16:44:50 »
Had another idea about Bond walking into M's office and the chair spins round

Bond: "BLOWFELT!"

Blowfelt: "Yes 007, interesting file....."

----

Is 007 heading for heaven?

Has the man in a tux, run out of luck?

Is Blowfelt, really in charge?

Will moneypenny actually do some work?

Tune in next week for......

----

Lets face it we all know he´ll end up running everything anyway

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=I71Z_V_pksk&feature=related

Get to it people

http://www.familyguyblueharvestdvd.com/crawl/
« Last Edit: 20/04/2008 19:11:35 by JOLLY »
 

sooyeah

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« Reply #76 on: 18/04/2008 19:13:15 »
                                        TELE-FAILS
                                   
Oval office

ring ring, ring ring...

"Hello"

"Yes hi (brief pause while he looks through pad) Jim, this is the President, not a social call just a little call of enquiry"

"Oh, what about"

"Well(another brief pause while he turns page on script) as you know, the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan have almost bankrupted the country, and it appears that quite a substantial amount of the money we spent, actually ended up in a few of your bank accounts, so I was just wondering if you could possibly see your way, to maybe, err, wellll giving some of it back, in the interests of the country ofcourse"

´BBBRRRRRRRRRRR´

"Mr President I thought these people we're your friends?"

"Johnson, they are, maybe they're money is tight too now, given the current crisis? (another silent pause) Ooh, how about text message?"

 
« Last Edit: 18/04/2008 19:29:13 by JOLLY »
 

sooyeah

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« Reply #77 on: 18/04/2008 19:26:52 »
                             DOC, DOC....

"Here you go, you just need to take these pills for the rest of your life".

"Are there any side-effects to this medication Doctor?"

"No, No side-effects, it's really new stuff you know, oh wait, wait, there is one side-effect"

"Oh, what's that?"

"Nothing really, you'll just become an idiot (short uncomfortable silence) do you have sat nav?"

"No"

"Welll, I suppose it doesn't matter, in a few days you're unlikely to even remember your post code. OK here's your prescription and I'll see you when I see you"

"OH OK"

"Don't forget to shut the door on your way out, I know you won't, ok bye"

 
« Last Edit: 11/06/2008 12:52:48 by JOLLY »
 

Offline Karen W.

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« Reply #78 on: 18/04/2008 20:29:00 »
nice ..jolly.. thanks for keeping it going....
 

sooyeah

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« Reply #79 on: 19/04/2008 13:27:28 »
But you could for example have the machines build lots of different realities, to experiment, to see which one works best (which one keeps the most alive and by doing so generates the most electricity), and then have characters that stumble into them, and there, anything is possible.

As a start how about this, Guy running across roof tops with agents chasing him. He gets to the end of the roof looks and there's no where to go, just a huge drop.
One agent says to another "we can't lose the package" they slowly walk towards him and he jumps, falling towards street below, just as he starts to near the ground, it glows yellow, he smacks into it, and suddenly finds himself in water, he swims upwards, gasping for breath on reaching the surface and he´s in a river, he struggles to the river bank, lays his head in the mud; but before he can even think about relaxing he´s hanging upside down looking at an Ogre that's holding his foot.

                                      OOH MY MATRIX

NOBIN:
 "It wasn't so bad you know, I had a nice tree, in a good part of the forest, I had a very decent horse, men and elfs used to come to look at him, I could always say whatever happens, I've got that horse issue covered"

TOBIN:
"Shxt man, now it's all gone"

NOBIN:
"Hey, not funny"

TOBIN:
"Come on at least your free"

Robin jumps in the conversation

ROBIN:
"Free, you call this free? Sorry, ok, my life wasn't great, my wife got step on by a man, I spent most of my time, if not running from cats, hiding from scissor mouths"

NOBIN:
"From what?"

ROBIN:
"Well, I don't know what you call them"

TOBIN:
"He means ants"

ROBIN:
"Whatever! Those gits will eat your dinner, raid your larder and carry off your second wife before you can even saddle a snail.  My life was kinda hard, but it was better than this. And the thing with cats, I occasionally thought about, actually, most of my friends dreamed about it, wouldn't it be great if we we're big, then we could chase them. But what happens, I come to find I am big, not just that, but that I've always been big, everythings a lie and to top off, now I am big I find out, all the cats are dead"

BOBIN:
"Shut up, Pixie boy. oouu the irony"

ROBIN:
"Screw you, you racist"

TOBIN:
"Roobbbin come-on now, you're not a Pixie, you never were a Pixie, Pixies don't even exist"

ROBIN:
"Maybe, I may have spent the first 30 years of my life, thinking I was a pixie, when I was actually a man, and so what, even if I am actually a man, in some ways I will always be a pixie, and when I die, you're dam well gonna give me a pixie funeral!"

TOBIN:
"How we gonna do that?

ROBIN:
"I don't care if it means you've gotta jack-in, if you have to jack-in, then so be it"

NOBIN:
"Robin, why do you want a pixie funeral, I saw one once, it wasn't that special? Elf funerals are far nicer"

ROBIN:
"I don't want an elf funeral, I want a pixie funeral"

TOBIN:
"Robin, if you want a pixie funeral, then you can have one, I just hope you realise, we're gonna have to free a Priest and a choir to do it"

ROBIN:
"So what, according to you, they'll all be well happy. They'll all be free, wont they!"

 :P   
« Last Edit: 11/06/2008 12:54:24 by JOLLY »
 

sooyeah

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« Reply #80 on: 19/04/2008 14:01:13 »
I did promise it, so here it is....

                              NINJA CRICKET

Sadly you have to be a Ninja to either watch or play Ninja Cricket, a normal person trying to view a game, would simply see an empty field with a few trees in it, and nine Ninjas sitting by the tea house sipping tea, and occasionally going woo and clapping.

But with the marvel of digital slow motion replay:

A Ninja appears from somewhere and bowls at the wicket, another batting Ninja appears from somewhere and hits the ball, all the fielding Ninjas at this moment pop up and start firing blow darts, which the batters dodge as they run.

Basically :)

« Last Edit: 19/04/2008 15:53:06 by JOLLY »
 

sooyeah

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« Reply #81 on: 19/04/2008 15:53:13 »

THE BEST OF MY LILY POST MARCH TO JULY 2007!!!!!


OK everyone I just thought I should clarify, Yes I do like lily.

I think she is a good artist, and has a great character... But that is where it ends.

The main reason why, I decided to pick her, as it were, was because I felt that if I annoyed her enough, she might write a ´Shut up Jolly´ song. ;D

I am of course a fan, and I wish her well, and hope that should she have actually read any of these stupid jokes, that she found them funny.

We live in hope.

HUGS

JOLLY.
« Last Edit: 20/04/2008 15:32:33 by JOLLY »
 

sooyeah

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« Reply #82 on: 19/04/2008 16:34:37 »
I had a survey done on people that had read this thread, not going to bore you with all the results, but this one is interesting;

62% of people polled who had just finished reading this thread, drank a double espresso and then read it again. :)

We will pray for the man that can't stop. ;D
 

sooyeah

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« Reply #83 on: 19/04/2008 17:43:00 »
                           OH MY MATRIX CONTINUED........

"Right ok, so let me just get this all straight in my head. Now, I'm not a Pixie high priest, I never was a pixie, I am a man, what it is, is that thousands of years ago humans and machines had a war, am I right so far?"

"Yes"

"OK, the mens lost this war, even though they destroyed the sky, which they did, to stop the machines using solar power, not that I even know what this solar power is. Right and because of that the machines needed a way of getting energy, and to do so they decided to plug all humans into a computer generated world, which I and you have come from. They did that as a way of generating and harvesting our bio-speric.."

"Bio-spheric energy"

"right, bio-spheric energy, so, I am also correct up to here?"

"More or less"

"Ok, and there are lots of different types of these matrices?"

"yes, matrices"

"fine matrices, in my matrix I was a pixie high priest, but this was all just an illusion, because pixies have never existed, what it was, was that the machines used literature and stories from our past, to help them invent these imaginary worlds, and I was induced to believe that I was a Pixie, when in reality I was a man. Am I correct?"

"yes"

"now the only reason you have freed me from this illusory world, this illusory prison, is because, when Robin dies he wants a full Pixie funeral, even though Pixie tradition and everthing that relate to it, are pure fantasy?"

"Basically........Yes"

Robin: "Hey, Gobin don't be down, come-on your free, baby"

Gobin: "Can we chase cats?"

Robin: "No, they all died years ago, that really bummed me out"

« Last Edit: 20/04/2008 16:57:53 by JOLLY »
 

sooyeah

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« Reply #84 on: 19/04/2008 19:02:22 »
nice ..jolly.. thanks for keeping it going....

Well how could I not lady? If I didn't, then the satanic, sex obsessed idiots, that run this planet would have won. And that can't happen.

"Jolly, we're not all like that"

"Really?"

"Ofcourse not, take Tom for example, a few years back he lost his testicles in a horrific hand-gliding accident, and none of our wives even know about our sexy parties, and take Jim too, the guy hasn't been able to get it up for ages" 

"Maybe, but I bet Jim uses one of those pump devices I've seen on QVC"

"Well, ok yes, Jim has been known to use a pump device, that I'll give you, but he never got from QVC, and Tom completely invalidates your claim, we even made him our leader"

"Well that's alright then, GIZ-MASTER-ZERO runs the planet"

Anyway Karen I think I'll have to hand it over to you; At least for the next 6 months anyway.

Hugs
  
« Last Edit: 22/04/2008 12:35:12 by JOLLY »
 

Offline Karen W.

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« Reply #85 on: 19/04/2008 21:52:42 »
 me... I think not.. I haven't a humorous  bone in my body!!!  .I have to leave that to all you jokesters... i am not a funny person.. hee hee. 
 

Offline neilep

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« Reply #86 on: 19/04/2008 21:58:42 »
me... I think not.. I haven't a humorous  bone in my body!!!  .I have to leave that to all you jokesters... i am not a funny person.. hee hee. 

LOL...that's funny !
 

Offline Karen W.

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« Reply #87 on: 19/04/2008 22:45:39 »
....Now just how is that funny.... Sheepy??? lol.. you are the funny Sheepy around here.... you all should be stand up comics.... you truly missed your calling when you turned to a life of crime..... stealing Lo's Prada's and parading around on stage... your a natumral Sheepy!!!!!! Hee.. Hee.. Hee ......Hee .........
 

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« Reply #88 on: 20/04/2008 16:32:16 »
me... I think not.. I haven't a humorous  bone in my body!!!  .I have to leave that to all you jokesters... i am not a funny person.. hee hee. 

LOL...that's funny !
....Now just how is that funny.... Sheepy??? lol.. you are the funny Sheepy around here.... you all should be stand up comics.... you truly missed your calling when you turned to a life of crime..... stealing Lo's Prada's and parading around on stage... your a natumral Sheepy!!!!!! Hee.. Hee.. Hee ......Hee .........

Completely disagree Karen, I'm nuts, I try, but since the end of last year my jokes have just got worse and worse, but then looking back the ones before were terrible, which means they may have improved.... It just gets weirder. :P

I have always felt that you had a great sense of humor Karen. And really, I suppose if just one person giggles, it's worth it.

Flanagans Law no. 73, 'Dead or alive, the cheese just stinks' I have spoken to him, but he wont listen. :)
Flanagans Law no. 75, 'you're in trouble, if everyone but the boss laughs'

How about this:

                            A NEW PARTY

A new party has been born, the 'cowardly sellout party'

Are you easily intimidated by big business, members of the arms industry and or shadowy cults?

Are you prepared to sellout your people, your entire nation?

Are you happy to give up, sacrifice, and destroy, everything your ancestors fought, suffered and died for?

You are, then we need you, your vote, and your silence.

                THAT WAS A BROADCAST ON BEHALF OF THE C.S.P
--------------------

You see, I've just lost it. :P

How to make it funny? the answer: Who answered so?

"Yes I do scare myself, Already done that and already done that, OK, what's for breakfast... SALAD! AGAIN!!!"
« Last Edit: 11/06/2008 13:02:36 by JOLLY »
 

sooyeah

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« Reply #89 on: 20/04/2008 19:43:42 »
strange how jokes change over time, you know I need to post this again


How many idiot´s does it take to change a light bulb?

We don't know, they still haven't managed to change it ;D
« Last Edit: 21/04/2008 19:25:01 by JOLLY »
 

Offline Karen W.

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« Reply #90 on: 20/04/2008 19:52:57 »
well you are funny always have been.. and if they were bad jokes and made me laugh.. then....whats that say for my sense of humor??? LOL..

 thanks Jolly an Neil.. thats kind of both of you.
 

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« Reply #91 on: 21/04/2008 19:22:35 »
well you are funny always have been.. and if they were bad jokes and made me laugh.. then....whats that say for my sense of humor??? LOL..

 thanks Jolly an Neil.. thats kind of both of you.

Thankyou Karen, your the one. :) I think it's 1 year and a month since I joined NS. What a year; It has been an adventure, as life is. It's been great, the banning, arguements, laughs etc etc... I truely do love this forum, I think we all owe Chris a big thankyou.

HUGS to you all

JOLLY

Lets start again:

Come one and all and please post your jokes, funny stories from your day or your past, or other peoples days or pasts.(think that makes sense)

KNOCK, KNOCK
Who is there
DOCTOR
Doctor who?
You just said it

And with that he was gone ::)
« Last Edit: 21/04/2008 19:33:44 by JOLLY »
 

Offline Karen W.

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« Reply #92 on: 21/04/2008 19:54:32 »
good luck and best wishes Jolly!
 

Offline Andrew K Fletcher

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« Reply #93 on: 03/06/2008 18:34:54 »
The humorous bone in the body one liner was very funny :) Bows to the American Humour (For once)

Science News Report

Farmer in Devonshire has succeeding in growing his first crop of vibrators. All is not well though as he now has a huge problem with squatters: P
 

Offline Andrew K Fletcher

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« Reply #94 on: 03/06/2008 18:49:59 »
A lady is recovering in hospital after having a vaginal tuck, she turned over to see three beautiful bouquets of flowers and reading the first card on the display closest it said; “Thank you for being such a wonderful and understanding wife I love you.

On a high with a smile wider than the Nile she reads on the second impeccable display of expensive flowers. Wishing you a speedy recovery, the operation was a success thanks for being a model patient, Your Surgeon and team.

On a roll she can’t wait to read the card on the last bouquet which says; “Hi, I am Bob from the Burns Unit. Thank you so much for my new ears. 
 

Offline Karen W.

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« Reply #95 on: 03/06/2008 20:01:42 »
The humorous bone in the body one liner was very funny :) Bows to the American Humour (For once)

Science News Report

Farmer in Devonshire has succeeding in growing his first crop of vibrators. All is not well though as he now has a huge problem with squatters: P


HEE HEE HEE HEE... LOL!! LOL!! Nice one!
 

Offline Jerryade

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« Reply #96 on: 04/06/2008 18:51:36 »
Mr Joe a teacher who teaches english in a school is a stammerer. On that fateful day he was teaching the students about word pronounciation, but when he got to the word hippopotamus he stammered out the word hip hip hip ... before ha could finish the students shouted hurray
 

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« Reply #97 on: 05/06/2008 09:27:22 »
                          PORN....

OK so, I mean, I like eating you know, I quite enjoy food, Steak and chips, maybe even a burger or two, but I am not going down the video store and asking the guy behind the counter if he has anything in the way of, 'Guy eating steak or girl eating salad'.

"Yeah you got anything on Mcd's food? Ouu Group eat steak part 7, sounds great!"

A guy said to me once "You know most of the men and women in porn a gay, thats how they last so long"  Well I didn't know that but he did just give me a whole new list of reasons not to watch it.
I don't need a video thankyou, I find out for myself, I cannot see a bigger waste of time than watching porn. Completely unreal rubbish, which some idiots decide to go copy; there's intelligence for you.

I might write to play boy actually:

Yeah I visited room 101 and 30 women and an alien shagged the crap out of me.

Signed
ANON :P

----------------------------

PS, It does kinda sound cool, but really it's; "Here you go ladies, do what you want to him"

PPS, that was the nice day, the highlight has to be, being dragged on to an altar with loads of satanist chanting 'die die die'. Not forgetting all the other horrors that sit somewhere in-between the two.

PPPS, So you can see right there who these people are, 'birds of a feather work together'.

PPPPS, by your fruits are you shown. So I just have to say to megatron and your evil minons, the day I'll be finished with you people, is the day you kill me. Gonna annoy you people right to the moment I leave.
« Last Edit: 09/06/2008 12:32:41 by JOLLY »
 

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« Reply #98 on: 05/06/2008 09:33:40 »
                              SIM PLANET

"You know the problem with the game 'Sim eco-planet?'"

"No Megatron, what is the problem with 'Sim eco-planet' the game?"

"Well Starscream 2, every kid that plays it ends up wanting to get rid of us, so I have decided to make a new game called 'Sim money sphere'. Afterall lets not forget, every time something dies the G.D.P gos up."

"What happened to Starscream 1?" whispers James
"Shh, we don't talk about it" replies Jim
 

Offline Karen W.

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« Reply #99 on: 05/06/2008 10:25:55 »
Funny Jolly! Hee hee hee...
 

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« Reply #99 on: 05/06/2008 10:25:55 »

 

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