[Eternal Student (OP)]

Hi all.

   Do you want to save mankind from something terrible and prove to everyone that Biology is a worthwhile science?

    What substance, system, method, plan or procedure exists that can reduce the number of times a person needs to cut their grass?  Please.  I never want to do this again.

    Design requirements:
     I know I could rip up all the grass and put down stone.  Your suggestions must be better than this.
1.  I want to keep some living grass.
2.  It can't take longer to follow your procedure(s) than it would to just cut the grass.

[Eternal Student (OP)]

Wild ideas:  Can I deliberately introduce a species of moss to compete with the grass?

[vhfpmr]

The south side of my lawn started sprouting moss after the neighbour put up a six foot fence blocking most of the sunlight. After a few years it's now a thick carpet of moss with a few sparse wisps of grass poking through it.

[Eternal Student (OP)]

@vhfpmr
  Sounds bad.  I'm really sorry for you.
  Does the moss look like grass? and from how far?

   I'm thinking of investing in a dwarf variety of grass and ripping up the old sod.  The thing is I've heard that grass seed blows in and fairly soon you're back to standard length grass.

[CliffordK]

Astroturf.

You can often buy it cheap when local stadiums remodel.

[Eternal Student (OP)]

Astroturf.

   OK.  I think that's synthetic stuff but it's not a bad idea.  Does it build up static electricity when you walk on it because my garden's already in a shocking state. 
   Does it self-repair?
   Could I switch on a growth phase with a sprinkle of Auxin and switch it off later with some other plant hormone?

[Halc]

Getting a slow growing/dwarf breed definitely helps.
I have many kinds of grass, and I need to mow when the fast growing stuff gets long, or if the weeds outrun the grass.
I have moss taking over the shadier areas, but any abuse scrapes it away leaving bare dirt. It doesn't dig in with roots. Moss is soft and nice to walk on.

Another idea: Get a cow. Cows keeps the grass trim without killing it. Sheep/goats tend to eat right down to the roots so you need to herd them around to prevent them from killing off the grass in one area.

I've reduced my mowing area by letting certain 'weeds' grow. I have violets and clover all over, which never get really tall. I have wild daisies that have taken over big swaths, covering the lawn with over a 1000 labor-free flowers each season. They're just beginning to bloom now.

[Eternal Student (OP)]

Get a cow.

    My garden isn't that big and I'm not sure I've got the ruminant.
    Seriously, I don't want to have a cow.

The Daisies were a better idea though.  Thank you.

[alancalverd]

Rabbits are less messy than cows and don't completely destroy the lawn, but I would recommend a radically different approach - mental mowing.

The Boss sees it as an unending chore, fighting back the inevitable green tsunami which was there before us and will not just outlive us but even use us as nutrient as it grows on our graves, so what is the bloody point.....

I on the other hand imagine that I am preparing Twickenham, Wembley, Wimbledon, St Andrews or Lord's (depending on the length of the cut). Who knows, with a bit of practice I might even be talent-spotted and get to do that final cut cheered on by an expectant crowd.... On a dry winter night I might creep out and make a runway for SoE to insert another agent - it's even more fun to mow in the dark!

If you don't enjoy sport or have a taste for guerrilla warfare, sprinkle the grass with gin, so it comes up "half cut".

[Bored chemist]

Redefine "short" to "about 3 feet".
Now you never need to mow it, and the local wildlife will benefit.

[evan_au]

10 years ago, when I was spending a lot of time away for work, we got someone in to mow the grass.
- We still have someone coming in to mow the lawn, even though I've been working from home almost continuously for the past year...

At one point, one mower-pusher stopped coming, and I did appeal on behalf of the daisies - they looked great, and the bees were having a party. But we now have a different mower-pusher.

[Eternal Student (OP)]

Hi all and thanks for the many replies.

Apparently the problem is the neighbours.  I'm told that the neighbours will not tolerate looking at an unkempt garden with 4 foot grass.

I may need to re-define the parameters of my requirements.  Is there anything (maybe Biological) that can help my neighbours worry less about my grass?   

Maybe if I go with Halc's earlier suggestion and get a cow.

Anyway, best wishes to everyone.

[alancalverd]

  I'm told that the neighbours will not tolerate looking at an unkempt garden with 4 foot grass.

And why should you tolerate nosy interfering neighbors? Do they criticise what you wear in the garden?
Plant a bamboo hedge. There are few things as effective as a bit of 8 foot grass to interrupt their view.

 

Is there anything (maybe Biological) that can help my neighbours worry less about my grass?   

A sexually transmitted disease, perhaps. Or an infestation of bed bugs. The combination of biological and psychological warfare can be very effective in keeping other people's noses out of your business.

Many years ago we received a trade sample crate of hundreds of very convincing plastic flowers. My mum planted them in snowdrifts, for just long enough to convince the neighbors that she had magical powers over nature. Serves the right for looking.