Naked Science Forum
General Discussion & Feedback => Just Chat! => Topic started by: ...lets split up... on 08/10/2008 13:43:13
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Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar and the one says to the other, "i think i've lost an electron...". The second turned and asked "are you sure?" to which the first replied "yes, i'm positive."
[size=07pt](modified title to be in form of question.. Thanks)[/size]
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Why do computer scientists always confuse Halloween and Christmas?
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Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar and the one says to the other, "i think i've lost an electron...". The second turned and asked "are you sure?" to which the first replied "yes, i'm positive."
(https://www.thenakedscientists.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fbestsmileys.com%2Fdoh%2F2.gif&hash=fef6931e562a6dc5fd0fd29a97202c70)
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A spiral galaxy goes into a pub. The landlord says "I can't serve you, your barred".
I apologise if this joke is only available to those with some astronomy.
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OK - perhaps mine is less of a joke and more of a logical puzzle. Think of the dates......
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OK - perhaps mine is less of a joke and more of a logical puzzle. Think of the dates......
Digital Integrated Circuits, a.k.a. "chips" [?]
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Digital Integrated Circuits, a.k.a. "chips" [?]
Like the old piece of string said, I'm a frayed knot.
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Ah... I see. Its all about using base 8 or base 10... I shan't ruin it though, and let others think it through. For a while, I was staring at the numbers 3110 and 2512 trying to work it out!
Here's a (slightly adult) one for you:
Why are quantum physicists rubbish at making love?
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Hah! Yes indeedy! Well played that man.
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Why are quantum physicists rubbish at making love?
Something to do with the laws of attraction?
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'Fraid not, think uncertainty...
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'Fraid not, think uncertainty...
I was in principle thinking about going that way, but I wasn't sure..... ;-)
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This is beginning to sound like Mornington Crescent. [???]
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Because they don't know whether they're coming or going.
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It's due to the Heisenburg uncertainty principle - when they know the position they don't have the momentum, but if they have the momentum they lose the position.
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Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac?
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It's due to the Heisenburg uncertainty principle - when they know the position they don't have the momentum, but if they have the momentum they lose the position.
Hmmn, does this mean that I'm a quantum physicist all of a sudden?
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This is beginning to sound like Mornington Crescent. [???]
(https://www.thenakedscientists.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fbestsmileys.com%2Fclapping%2F2.gif&hash=f3ac90d0f104dd89dbe260c598e013a8)
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This is beginning to sound like Mornington Crescent. [???]
In a sentiment that I'm sure will be echoed here, RIP Humph. It will be interesting to see who replaces him on ISIHAC. Did anyone hear 'Chairman Humph' the radio 4 Steven Fry tribute to him?
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This is beginning to sound like Mornington Crescent. [???]
In a sentiment that I'm sure will be echoed here, RIP Humph. It will be interesting to see who replaces him on ISIHAC. Did anyone hear 'Chairman Humph' the radio 4 Steven Fry tribute to him?
Ben yes I heard the ISIHAC from the start and I heard the Radio
4's Stephen Fry's tribute to Humphrey Lyttleton, he was a talented man and I think that the nearest person to his kind of risque humour might be Stephen Fry.
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I think Steven Fry would be very good at it, but I'm not sure he would want to (he knows more than most that Humph's shoes are big ones to fill). Jeremy Hardy has also been suggested.
I heard a rumour that they intend to have a series with 'guest' presenters, as they did with "Have I got News for You".
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Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac?
Yeah, I did!
He stays up all night pondering the existance of DOG!! [:D]
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I think Steven Fry would be very good at it, but I'm not sure he would want to (he knows more than most that Humph's shoes are big ones to fill). Jeremy Hardy has also been suggested.
I heard a rumour that they intend to have a series with 'guest' presenters, as they did with "Have I got News for You".
I fancy Andy Hamilton......well no, I don't fancy him, but I think he could be a replacement Humph. I doubt Samantha would want to sit on his right hand though!
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When I was teaching some A-level students about sp hybrid orbitals I pointed at the diagram on the board, with my usual teaching gusto, and said "...and so you see this is its s-ness and this is its p-ness."
The lesson was in chaos after that. None of us could stop giggling like girlies.
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When I was teaching some A-level students about sp hybrid orbitals I pointed at the diagram on the board, with my usual teaching gusto, and said "...and so you see this is its s-ness and this is its p-ness."
The lesson was in chaos after that. None of us could stop giggling like girlies.
How typical
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This is beginning to sound like Mornington Crescent. [???]
In a sentiment that I'm sure will be echoed here, RIP Humph. It will be interesting to see who replaces him on ISIHAC.
Boris Johnson! [:D]
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Yeah, I did!
He stays up all night pondering the existance of DOG!! [:D]
Top marks for Evie!
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Why do computer scientists always confuse Halloween and Christmas?
The solution:
Oct31 = Dec25
Is that clear now [?]
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This is beginning to sound like Mornington Crescent. [???]
In a sentiment that I'm sure will be echoed here, RIP Humph. It will be interesting to see who replaces him on ISIHAC.
Boris Johnson! [:D]
But each episode would need to be 3 hours long!
"Ah, Um, yes, well, um, yes, well, Welcome to, um, I'm sorry I haven't, um, a clue, yes, well, um..."
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Maybe it's because i'm from RSA but i don't know Humph. I do like european comedy though, like "Allo, Allo" and "Faulty Towers". Also that old Goon show, but it was before my years.
"Would you like a seat?"
"No thanks, I'm trying to quit."
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This is beginning to sound like Mornington Crescent. [???]
In a sentiment that I'm sure will be echoed here, RIP Humph. It will be interesting to see who replaces him on ISIHAC.
Boris Johnson! [:D]
But each episode would need to be 3 hours long!
"Ah, Um, yes, well, um, yes, well, Welcome to, um, I'm sorry I haven't, um, a clue, yes, well, um..."
WOuld he order an enquiry into whether Mornington Crescent was fair?
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Maybe it's because I'm from RSA but i don't know Humph. I do like European comedy though, like "Allo, Allo" and "Faulty Towers". Also that old Goon show, but it was before my years.
"Would you like a seat?"
"No thanks, I'm trying to quit."
We are talking about a radio 4 show who's jazz man presenter has just died. His comic timing and dry sense of humour will be a very hard act to follow. He hosted a comedy game show for old comedians (the best type.) The show had become an institution just like the goons are.
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Thanks for the enlightenment.
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I can now announce that I have concluded my research into birthdays.
Birthdays' appear to be very good for us. There can be no doubting that those who have the most birthdays' will live the longest.
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Not absolutely guaranteed. Can anyone think why this isn't true for about 1 in 366 people?
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Leap year.
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Is the sound track to "An Inconvenient Truth" an algorithm?
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no
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no
Ah, but yes!
It's an "Al Gore Rythym" [:o)]
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What is the capital of Iceland?
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£3.50
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OK I know it isn't a science joke but I like it anyway.
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What's brown and sounds like radar?
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Poop........poop.........poop.........
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Hee HeeHee.. I like that one.....LOL!
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What is the capital of Iceland?
Reykjavík
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What is the capital of Iceland?
Reykjavík
I think that MiL was alluding to the current bank situation....or did I just fall for an obvious bluff?
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What is the capital of Iceland?
Reykjavík
I think that MiL was alluding to the current bank situation....or did I just fall for an obvious bluff?
NO and sorry but I did.
Also I am a rather logically thinking person.
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Did you hear about the person who accidentally swallowed some alpha-L-glucose and discovered that he had no ill effects?
Apparently he was ambidextrose.
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What is K9P?
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What is K9P?
It's what dogs splash on lamposts.
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A physicist, a chemist and a biologist go into a pub. The barman says: "Is this some sort of joke?"
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There was a young lady called Bright
Whose speed was far faster than light
She went out one day,
In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night.
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not a joke, but it has numbers in it:
11 was a racehorse
12 was 12
1111 race
12112!
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Why did the mushroom always get invited to parties?
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I'll assume this is about the fungi to be with?
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not a joke, but it has numbers in it:
11 was a racehorse
12 was 12
1111 race
12112!
Very funny - but to begin with I thought it was in binary. [::)]
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There are 10 types of people
Those who understand binary; those who dont, and the ones who understand ternary.
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There are 10 types of people
Those who understand binary; those who dont, and the ones who understand ternary.
That's 11! [;D]
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Anthea Ternary?
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Or comic ternary?
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BTW, it seems a pity that Sorin Cosofret and Common sense seeker haven't contributed to this thread.
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Bored Chemist you stole a previously posted joke of mine TUT!
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Not a science joke, but it makes everyone laugh.
What do you get when you pour boiled water down a rabbit hole?
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Hot-cross bunnies.
i love that one.
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Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only believes in the element of surprise.
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Cos he's a real fungi.
I'll try again- What's the last thing that goes through a bee's mind when he hits your windscreen?
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Cos he's a real fungi.
I'll try again- What's the last thing that goes through a bee's mind when he hits your windscreen?
HIS ARSE!
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I think his bum is a touch more refined dentstudent, but you get a gold star anyway.
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Thanks....
There was a young girl from Nantucket
Whose head fell off straight in a bucket
with a shrug of dismay
and with her anger awry
She kicked it and shouted "Oh....now, well, that won't do at all...."
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Dentdtudent you are getting far too rowdy.
On Bee Jokes....What type of bee produces milk????
BOOBEES!
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on animals, what do you get when you cross a primate with a landmine?
A baBOOM!
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Good grief; can it get any worse?
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Not a joke per se but something that happened on the Star Wars set.
Actress Carrie Fisher was asked by the director George Cukor not to wear a bra' under her Princess Leia suit. When she asked why not he said "Because there's no underwear in space". [;D]
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George Cukor? [:D] [:D]
Suddenly I'm envisioning My Fair Lady in space..."The rain in space stays mainly in the....place?" La la la.
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The best 'science' joke I've heard to date was aired on an American sitcom (I know I'm as surprised as you!) called "The Big Bang Theory":
-There's a chicken farmer whose neighbour is a theoretical physicist.
One day all his chickens suddenly become very ill.
After trying all conventional means, the farmer asks the physicist for an explanation.
The physicist sits down and scribbles a long set of complex equations and sometime later the farmer asks "Can you explain why they are ill?"
And the physicist says triumphantly, "YES! I have an answer, but..."
The farmer says, "Yes? go on!!"
Physicist: "Well, it only works for spherical chickens in a vacuum!"
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George Cukor? [:D] [:D]
Suddenly I'm envisioning My Fair Lady in space..."The rain in space stays mainly in the....place?" La la la.
Sorry, you're right, I've been a prat - it's George Lucas. [:I]
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How do you hunt elephants?
Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left. Professors of mathematics will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.
Computer Scientists hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
1. Go to Africa
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
4. During each traverse pass:
a) catch each animal seen
b) Compare each animal caught to a known elephant
c) Stop when a match is detected.
Experienced programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.
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A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife.
"You just won't believe what happened this evening; in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it."
"Oh yes dear, what happened?"
"I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks."
"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them?"
"I charged one and let the other off."
But if you’d already heard that one then try this for size…
November the 5th has come and gone...
But some of the things still linger.
I held a banger in my hand...
Has anyone seen my finger?!
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Maybe not too sciencey....and inappropriate....and i guess not really even a joke
Your girlfriend is so fat that when she jumps in the air she gets stuck!!
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Hmm.....not a very original one I must say.
We used to put mum in the place of girlfriend.
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what happens to technology after recession????????
Global Recession!!! [;D]
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I don't get it
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That's not even funny.
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I thought of this the other day:
A Snowy Owl goes into a bar, "Tonic water, please"
The bar man says "Would you like mice and lemming?"
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Hi. I write TONS of math / science / nerdy jokes. One of them was on "The Big Bang Theory," for instance.
Another, a short one liked by Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson, is "Fig Newtons: because Newton and apples had a falling out."
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Another of mine. A bit more obscure, I'm afraid:
==
11111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111 11111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111 11111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111 11111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111 11111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111 11111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111 11111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111 walks into a bar.
Bartender sighs. "No offense, but after a certain point, all you repunit primes start to look more or less the same to me."
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Q: What did Al Gore play on his guitar? A: An Algorithm
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IT professional’s wife says:
“Would you go to the shop and get a loaf – Oh, and if they have any eggs, get a dozen.”
Husband returns with 12 loaves.
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I've just seen one on Twitter, but don't know if it's new:-
I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium were going out and I was like O Mg!
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What's the world's most dangerous insect?
the hepatitis bee.
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An electron and a proton meet up one night in the Quantum H Bar. The electron says "You know I really don't know why we're different. How do I know I am an electron and you are a proton and not the other way round? Are you sure you are a proton?" The proton replies "I'm positive".