Naked Science Forum
General Discussion & Feedback => Just Chat! => Topic started by: Jimbee on 27/01/2023 18:12:06
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See, I haven't been on these boards for a while. So I don't even know if you have a section for jokes. Oh, well. We all need a little comic relief now and again. Don't we. Here:
REAL CHURCH BULLETINS...
"If you need to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly."
"The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir."
"Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Nelson's sermons."
"Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers."
"The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon."
"Maundy Thursday service: The ladies of the altar guild will be stripping on the altar."
"The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'"
"This evening at 7:00 p.m. there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin."
"Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get."
"The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning."
"The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church."
"Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our Church and community."
"Church office will be closed Monday. Halleluia. Halleluia."
"A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday."
"The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church."
"A cookbook is being compiled by the ladies of the church. Please submit your favorite recipe, also a short antidote for it."
"At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What is hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice."
"Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding."
"Twenty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why."
"Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time."
"Let us join David and Lisa in the celebration of their wedding and bring their happiness to a conclusion."
"Mr. Bradford was elected and has accepted the office of head deacon. We could not get a better man."
"Announcement to the Moms Who Care ladies group: There will be no Moms who care this week."
"Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children."
"Thank you Steve, who once again has worked hard to clean the pastor off the basement floor."
"After the sermon: A moment of silence for prayer and medication."
"Visitors are asked to sing their names at the church entrance."
"The class on prophecy has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances."
"Life groups meet on Wednesday evening at 7:00 PM for food, fun, and fellowwhipping."
"The beautiful flowers on the altar this morning are to celebrate the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer."
"Illiterate? Write to the church office for help."
"Ushers will swat the latecomers."
"The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience."
"The peace making meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict."
"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a great chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
"The concert held in the Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her."
"It's Drug Awareness Week: Get involved in drugs before your children do."
"Great news! Doctors have performed a CAT scan on Pastor McLaren's head and report that they have found nothing!"
"Please sigh during offering."
"The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Ralph Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens."
"When parking on the north side of the church, please remember to park on an angel."
"Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary."
"Men's Prayer Breakfast. No charge, but your damnation will be gratefully accepted."
"If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check, and drip in the collection basket."
"The sermon this morning: 'Contemporary Issues #3 - Euthanasia.' The closing song: 'Take My Life.'"
"For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs."
"Bilingual Chicken Dinner this Sunday at Noon."
"The visiting monster today is Rev. Jack Bains."
"There has never been a better time to invite your fiends to church."
"During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J. F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit."
"The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning."
"Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones."
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People wonder on Gilligan's Island where did they get all that clothes. But what about the bedding?
The skipper and Gilligan obviously got their hammocks from the ship. But did you ever see the Howell's beds? And Ginger and Maryann's?
And they had tables, and chairs and cars (albeit with foot pedals). And I have always wanted to ask: where'd they get the coconut cream pie for goodness sake?
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How do you tell when bleu cheese has gone bad? It's already moldy and smelly.
What more can go wrong?
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This would be a good one for a minister (any of them here?). Not that it matters. But I tend to be kind of agnostic these days. Myself at least.
An old bearded man was climbing a mountain. Maybe it was the tallest mountain in the world. And when he gets to the top, he meets God.
"Lord," he says. "I just have three questions for you." "Ask away," God says. "Is it true to you a million dollars is just like a penny?" "That is true," the Lord says. Next question, "Is it true to you a million years is like a second?" "That is also true," God says.
"In that case can I have a 'penny'?"
"Sure. In just one 'second'."
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Groucho Marx: So, you got any kids?
Female Contestant: Yes, Groucho, I have eleven children.
Groucho: Eleven?! Did you say eleven kids?
Female Contestant: Well, I love my husband.
Groucho: Lady, I love my cigar but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.
(1947 or ’48, "You Bet Your Life" [radio].)
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A rabbi, a priest, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this - some kind of joke?"
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The usual suspects were in the departure lounge when it was announced that there would be no food service on the flight.
They went to the bar. The priest bought a ham sandwich. The vicar bought a cheese sandwich. The rabbi bought nothing.
At 35,000 feet the priest said “the ham was delicious”. The vicar said “the cheese was excellent”. The rabbi said “Leviticus 17. Thou shalt not eat carry-on.”
Copyright Alan Calverd 2022 - but you are welcome to use it.