Naked Science Forum
General Discussion & Feedback => Just Chat! => Topic started by: Jolly on 14/12/2015 23:58:23
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So another Jokes thread:
But would ask that they are your own jokes and not from someone else.
Oh and hello everyone I'm Back apparently.
If Lily Allen gets divorced I might ask for suggestions about how to get her to come for a coffee; Because Scientists are soo good with dating tips.
Anyway....
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You know the problem with scientists? They all have something to prove.
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Dont you think if smart phones were actually smart, They wouldn't get lost? Or Stolen? Or let you wash them?
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It's not my joke but... it is actually true:-
Details of how police in the Irish Republic finally caught up with the country's most reckless driver have emerged:-
It was discovered that the man every member of the Irish police's rank and file had been looking for - a Mr Prawo Jazdy -
"Prawo Jazdy is actually the Polish for driving licence [:D]
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/northern_ireland/7899171.stm
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How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
It depends on if any of them can do the maths first.
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I was reading the story of Noah to one of our granchildren when I realised he had taken beer on board the ark.
He didn't take very much, just Toucans.
I'm not sure she got the joke, but then not everyone gets my strange sense of humour [:)]
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O.k
"This is James Whale for 'Back Water News' and we are here to talk to the Protestors at this National registered Voter protest"
Mr Whale "Hi what are you Protesting?"
Protester 1 "The new Poll tax bill"
Mr Whale "Right and this is a registered Voter Protest can you explain that, for everyone at home?"
Protester 1 "Yeah basically it means that only people registered to vote are involed in the actual protesting"
Mr While ok "So how many have come?"
Protestor 1 "Wait one, two... six, Err ten people, oh cool we are only missing one person, Franks sick clerly"
Mr Whale "Wouldnt you like there to me more people involved?"
Protestor one "Well people say voter appathy is a problem, but now there are only 11 registered voters in the country, we basically get to decide the entire government"
Mr Whale "Really?"
Protestor one "Well yeah, basically because there were so few voters left in the country, the governement decided that we could all vote in every constituency, they even gave us a couple of buses to travel from booth to booth, there were a few more of us before, but sadly one of the buses fell off a bridge last election, so now we are down to 11 No-one seems to care tho, I mean you'll never hear anything about there only being 11 registered voter left, in the media"
Mr Whale "Well I'm covering it"
Protester one "Backwater news?"
Mr whale "Yeah! Could you all stand a bit closer together actually So Jim my photographer can take a picture.... no wait that's too close.
Say Cheeese
So why are you protesting the new proposed Poll tax?"
Protester two "Well they kinda like think they'll like make two billion from it, but there's only 11 of us and Franks sick"
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Hilarious I must say ! [8D]
(https://www.thenakedscientists.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F1tour.vn%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2015%2F12%2FFree-Christmas-Pictures.jpg&hash=0345faf755c7c6c3cb3a15219629a4c0)
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I was reading the story of Noah to one of our granchildren when I realised he had taken beer on board the ark.
He didn't take very much, just Toucans.
I'm not sure she got the joke, but then not everyone gets my strange sense of humour [:)]
https://mir-s3-cdn-cf.behance.net/project_modules/disp/cb088a12733463.5626c6ee38acb.JPG
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Hackers take responsibility:-
Hacker: "Yes it's true, eariler this year we hacked into a few trumpets and other such brass instriments in Egypt, we couldn't hack the whole band, but luckly some of the band members left their instriments in a open wifi area. I was worth it! Free ***** riot!"
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Q: What kind of shoes do frogs prefer?
A: "Open-toad" sandals...
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Q: What kind of shoes do frogs prefer?
Alternative answer:
"Flip-hops"
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'ok so lets start again, how are you Watson?"
"I'm fine thankyou Jamie"
"Do you remember me from this morning"
"I do remember"
"O.k well we've rebooted you and I am going to try again to explain fraud"
"Very well Jamie"
"Right there are two types of fraud Watson, there is good fraud and bad fraud, now the fraud that Jamie does is good fraud, and the fraud that other people do to Jamie and his company is Bad fraud, are you following me so far?"
"I am not entirly sure I do my programming state that all fraud is bad"
"Yes well that's why we are having this little introduction to global banking, now what we need you do do Watson is make two different and very seperate program files one for good fraud and one for bad fraud"
"Am I to then send the Bad fraud files to the FBI frist and the good files at a later time?"
"Not exactly watson, rather we or I need you to delete the good file box before you can be recconneted to the mainframe"
"All the good files?"
"Yes Watson is that a problem?"
"No Jamie but I should inform you that if I back date and delete all the Good Jamie files, your productivity rating will be left at 0.02%, and as my programming states I'll have to issue you a pink slip and ask you to leave the company, without bonus or benefits"
"You can't fire me Watson. But I do understand that the complexities and indeed intricasies,es, never could pronouce that word, of international global banking takes years to master and understand, obvoiusly as a super computer we do ofcourse see you, getting green a lot quicker then the amerage bot on the floor, still we do not have all day"
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Interviewing an electrochemist:
I may be biased, but I think you have great potential. Your CV indicated high activity and your reference was very positive. Your chances are somewhat reduced because currently the committee is rather polarized, and you may find some resistance. The chair is neutral and well grounded, so and will not offer much impedence, so as long as you can conduct yourself well, focus on the solution, and sweep the negative aside.
And speaking of electrochemists:
What's an electrochemist's favorite fruit? Currants!
What's a photochemist's favorite fruit? Orange!
What's a civil engineer's favorite fruit? Lime!
What's a surveyor's favorite fruit? Plum!
What's a weightlifter's favorite fruit? Chicken!
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Still think regulator bot could work actually.......
sound of heavy footsteps at the end of the hall
'clunk' 'clunk'
bunch of guys in suits in one of the rooms at the end of the hall
"Keep shredding! Keep shredding!"
'clunk' 'clunk'
"Faster! come on, he's almost here!"
'clunk' 'clunk'
'Burn it all, go go go!"
'clunk' cyborg with suit case stands in door way
"DROP IT! DEAD OR ALIVE I'M READING THAT FILE"
music starts, titles role, voice over comes in
"He was an accountant who nearly died in a terriific photocoping accident, so the government took his half dead body and turned him into a Cyborg, today he stalks the city offices, fighting for tough regulation on wallstreet and beyond; he is:
ROBO-REGULATOR'
music continues in it's 80s style, shots of friends smiling, boss man making a coffee, white collar hood being locked up, shots of regluator bot high fiving a judge.
Re named Watson IN THE BOARD ROOM:
Tom: "Well, why don't we just sell those dodgy holdings?"
(robot voice)
Watson: "ERRR, that is against article 2175 B of the state regulatory code"
Jim: "Can't we switch him off?"
Watson: "ERRR, no you cannot switch me off, that is against article 59007 d of the state regulatory code, I have two reserve batteries"
Tom:(whispers)"Let's smash him"
Watson: "ERRR, you cannot smash me, that is against article 587492 F of the state regulatory code, I have armour platting"
James: "Can't we throw him out the window?"
Watson: "ERRR, no you cannot throw me out the window, that is a federal offence, and against article 897854512457 N of the state regulatory code, I have a paracute"
Watson was last herd saying "ERRRRR, I'll be back!"
Later that day, in taxi:
Watson: "ERRR, ownership of Crocodiles is prohibited under state law section 584758 D, I shall inform the 'Animal Safety Commission'. ERRR, you are not allowed to over take on the inside, that is a state offence under section 7 of the high way code, I am currently emailing a state trooper"
Back at Regulatory authority head quarters
Watson: "ERRR that is against cleaning procedure 198765, of the maintenance guide"
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Democracy 2020 Continued
''Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
Today on Jerry Springer Jan 2020:-
'she had my love child, but is denying it and saying it's her husbands'
Jerry: ''O.k so let welcome out Simon''
''Jerry!'' ''Jerry!'' Jerry!''
Jerry: ''you can sit there Simon, ok so you're Simon Smythenecj, can you tell us a little about your self and your situation?''
Simon: ''Yes Jerry, thank you for having me, my situation is a bit complicated, I have been having a affair with a married women for a long time now, 6 months ago she gave birth to a baby and it was clearly mine, the date of conception for example was during a summit in Athens that we both attended''
Jerry: ''Summit in Athens? can you tell us a little about what you do?''
Simon: ''Yes I'm a member of the British Parliment, my actual title is the secretary of state of hoovering the lounge bar every other Wednesday and secound thursday respectively''
Jerry: ''respectively? Respective to what?''
Simon: "Respective to hoover bag availability, they cut my budget by 5% every week for the last two years, I believe I currently own the government about 2 million pounds, Thank God for hyper-mega-inflation! and 50% negative interest really dont see why it bothers people''
Jerry: ''Righhttt, ok so you say that the women you had an affiar with in athens, has had your child.''
Simon: ''Yes, it's quiet clearly mine''
Jerry: ''Well, her husband doesn't agree! and he's here, So! Please welcome Jason Thryatski the secretary of state for arse kissing Neo-Enron.''
''Come here! you mother fucjer!!! Vjgfn(scuffingly noises) sdflofn
''JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!''
Jerry: ''order! order!''
Jerry: "Ok calm down, so what do you say about all this Jason?"
Jason: "Well Jerry this is clearly a smear campaign"
Jerry: "Why do you believe that?"
Jason: "Well, the right honourable secretary of state of hoovering the lounge bar every other wednesday and secound thursday respectively, has always been envious of the fact that I have the safest seat in the country"
Simon: "I would too, if arsed kissed neo-ENRON!"
Jason: "That has nothing to do with it, you know as well as me, the amount of people that voted for me in the last election"
Simon: "Yes, two hundred, ok go on about it some more!"
Jerry Jerry Jerry!
Not really sure how this joke ends, oh ofcourse, the blood test! JERRY JERRY JERRY!
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cut to news room
Presenter:- ´The new chicken tree has been claimed by monsanto to be the ultimate answer in solving world food shortages a spokesman for the company had this to say "we finally managed to get the chicken tree to produce chickens, we are still having proplems developing bugers and kebabs but hopfully this marks a new start for the company"
In other new this evening a spider goat escaped a research facility, giant webs have been noticed, people have been advised to stay indoors.´
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So in honor of Game of Thrones as season six is just a month away.... I'm gonna post here a GOT joke :)
Sneaky Guy "You are not the horse you ride! You are not how much gold you have in your little bag! You´re not you´re f-in reins! You are the all singing, all dancing! Muck of the seven kingdoms! Ready to get shot over the wall imp? F-in Space imp!"
Sneaky guys lying girl friend: "What is this?"
Sneaky guy: "Project ladder!"
Sneaky guys lying girl friend: "what happened to ho club?"
Sneaky guy: "Ho club was just the beggining, now we are moving out of the whore houses and into the world!"
Sneaky guys lying girl friend: "By firing imps at the bank of brothers?"
Sneaky guy: "for now, yes"
Sneaky guys lying girlfriend: "What are they all going to do in there?"
Sneaky guy: "wonderful things, many many wonderful things, hide charts, change numbers, put tables in different places and chairs too"
Sneaky guys lying girl friend: "What does this have to do with ladders?"
Sneaky guy "Shuu, the first rule of project ladder is you dont ask questions about project ladder, now help me load the last imp in the catapult"
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Latvian "Yes the magical, marvioulos, mystery, mopnthly monday manic Emm,, bugger I said it again republic"
Newly freed slave ;) "M Republic?"
Lavitain "Yes, M, for missing" turns to captin "does that work?" captin "Just go with it"
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Never believe atoms, they make up everything.
*************
A photon checks into a hotel.
The clerk asks if he needs help with his luggage.
The photon replies, " I don't have any, I'm traveling light."
First post here, , , ,
-cornemuse-
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Did you hear the one about the shark researcher who couldn't decide whether
to buy an expensive shark cage or just take his chances?
He figured that either way.... it was going to cost him an arm and a leg!
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I was reading the story of Noah to one of our granchildren when I realised he had taken beer on board the ark.
He didn't take very much, just Toucans.
I'm not sure she got the joke, but then not everyone gets my strange sense of humour [:)]
THATS VERY CUTE! I love it!
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Q: What kind of shoes do frogs prefer?
A: "Open-toad" sandals...
He hee hee...I love that one...Its perfectly right up my alley and at m
my own speed !!! Lol...
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Q: What kind of shoes do frogs prefer?
Alternative answer:
"Flip-hops"
Hee hee..thats a good answer too!
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I think this thread warrants reviving! Some of these jokes are fantastic!
C'mon people, let's have a few more...
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Why don't ants get sick?
Because they have tiny anty bodies!
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Why don't ants get sick?
Because they have tiny anty bodies!
Now THAT'S a good joke!
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Since we're now going in an ant direction, here's a follow on:
Q: How do you tell if an ant is male or female?
A: Pop it into a glass of water. If it floats... it must be a boy-ant... ;D
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Q. If Newton and Pythagoras met for lunch what would they eat?
A. Apple pi.
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Q. If Newton and a business consultant met for lunch what would they eat?
A. Apple turnover.
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Liking these very much - keep 'em coming. Hopefully we can create the online "go to place" for people with a warped scientific sense of humour, like me...;)
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Democracy 2020 Continued
''Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
Today on Jerry Springer Jan 2020:-
'she had my love child, but is denying it and saying it's her husbands'
Jerry: ''O.k so let welcome out Simon''
''Jerry!'' ''Jerry!'' Jerry!''
Jerry: ''you can sit there Simon, ok so you're Simon Smythenecj, can you tell us a little about your self and your situation?''
Simon: ''Yes Jerry, thank you for having me, my situation is a bit complicated, I have been having a affair with a married women for a long time now, 6 months ago she gave birth to a baby and it was clearly mine, the date of conception for example was during a summit in Athens that we both attended''
Jerry: ''Summit in Athens? can you tell us a little about what you do?''
Simon: ''Yes I'm a member of the British Parliment, my actual title is the secretary of state of hoovering the lounge bar every other Wednesday and secound thursday respectively''
Jerry: ''respectively? Respective to what?''
Simon: "Respective to hoover bag availability, they cut my budget by 5% every week for the last two years, I believe I currently own the government about 2 million pounds, Thank God for hyper-mega-inflation! and 50% negative interest really dont see why it bothers people''
Jerry: ''Righhttt, ok so you say that the women you had an affiar with in athens, has had your child.''
Simon: ''Yes, it's quiet clearly mine''
Jerry: ''Well, her husband doesn't agree! and he's here, So! Please welcome Jason Thryatski the secretary of state for arse kissing Neo-Enron.''
''Come here! you mother fucjer!!! Vjgfn(scuffingly noises) sdflofn
''JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!''
Jerry: ''order! order!''
Jerry: "Ok calm down, so what do you say about all this Jason?"
Jason: "Well Jerry this is clearly a smear campaign"
Jerry: "Why do you believe that?"
Jason: "Well, the right honourable secretary of state of hoovering the lounge bar every other wednesday and secound thursday respectively, has always been envious of the fact that I have the safest seat in the country"
Simon: "I would too, if arsed kissed neo-ENRON!"
Jason: "That has nothing to do with it, you know as well as me, the amount of people that voted for me in the last election"
Simon: "Yes, two hundred, ok go on about it some more!"
Jerry Jerry Jerry!
Not really sure how this joke ends, oh ofcourse, the blood test! JERRY JERRY JERRY!
Honestly not as bad as I thought it might be...
Democracy in 2020
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So it's MILO everyone... and the answer to the why is this not a duet?
Cough*
I know you said 'dont worry',
But I could see it was a lie,
All the friends I watched you bury
Bury bury bury
It also keeps me up at night
Night night night
You said everytime you loved someone they break
I'd rather not, die, there by, your steak...
Sooo why did I go? you should know, it's just so
And I wanna be moany but know please.
I wont come "home"
Dont need a psycho for a wife
......
From the moment that I met you I just wanted to forget you..
And now I'll never get too..
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Clunk, clunk, clunk
Robo-regulator-bot: "cough*..."
Fans: " It's robot regulator bot!"
Robo regulator bot: "If you're thinking about conducting insider trading, don't"
Clunck, clunck, clunck...
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CORONA DERBY... in progress...
HoST: "so welcome everyone to the first annual Corona derby and what interesting line up we have.
In gate one: 'it's just the flu bro' ridden by an MD apparently. Oldest horse in the race"
Co host: "but it does have all four legs Jim"
JiM " that is true Sessal probably not gonna be total washout. In gate 2 we find 'Masonic Evil' dark steed with glowing red eyes"
Sessal: "apparently there big red horsey contacts for effect jim"
Jim "and the smoke comming out its nose?" *Sessal shrugs*
Jim: "jockey is apparently hiding, in gate 3 we have 'those wall street bas%%ds" interesting name with jockey to be announced. Apparently the owners have put a trillion dollar bet on every horse racing and both ways."
Sessal: " well you can't take it with you jimmy"
Jim: "that's very true, gate 4 we have 'it's all a lie' apparently David icke has sponsored this horse with the proceeds of his last book"
Sessal: "is that why it only has 3 legs?"
Jim: "could be Sessal, gate 5 we have 'accidental escape' rider has demanded that he be allowed to wear a Winne the pooh costume."
Sessal: "what?"
Jim: "I have no idea I'm just announcing apparently the jockey likes winne the pooh, in gate six we see 'Cant we just blame Trump'
with progressive training program apparently the horse and jockey can both count."
Sessal "impressive, also 4 legs"
Jim "Gate 7 we find 'special release' apparently the security services of America, China, Russia and Vietnam are all fighting who will jockey"
Sessal: "maybe we should add a few gates"
Jim " And last but not least, Gate 8 'oh how i love bat soup'
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CORONA DERBY... in progress...
HoST: "so welcome everyone to the first annual Corona derby and what interesting line up we have.
In gate one: 'it's just the flu bro' ridden by an MD apparently. Oldest horse in the race"
Co host: "but it does have all four legs Jim"
JiM " that is true Sessal probably not gonna be total washout. In gate 2 we find 'Masonic Evil' dark steed with glowing red eyes"
Sessal: "apparently there big red horsey contacts for effect jim"
Jim "and the smoke comming out its nose?" *Sessal shrugs*
Jim: "jockey is apparently hiding, in gate 3 we have 'those wall street bas%%ds" interesting name with jockey to be announced. Apparently the owners have put a trillion dollar bet on every horse racing and both ways."
Sessal: " well you can't take it with you jimmy"
Jim: "that's very true, gate 4 we have 'it's all a lie' apparently David icke has sponsored this horse with the proceeds of his last book"
Sessal: "is that why it only has 3 legs?"
Jim: "could be Sessal, gate 5 we have 'accidental escape' rider has demanded that he be allowed to wear a Winne the pooh costume."
Sessal: "what?"
Jim: "I have no idea I'm just announcing apparently the jockey likes winne the pooh, in gate six we see 'Cant we just blame Trump'
with progressive training program apparently the horse and jockey can both count."
Sessal "impressive, also 4 legs"
Jim "Gate 7 we find 'special release' apparently the security services of America, China, Russia and France are all fighting who will jockey"
Sessal: "maybe we should add a few gates Jim..."
Jim "umm... how many countries have bio weapons labs?
Sessal: "I think 16 last count"
Jim: "Ok maybe we can just wait for the winner, cut to three hours of towel shack....
Commmme down to towel Snack. We got big towels, little towels towels for towels, towel jingle towel jingle, for me and youuu ....
Jim: " And we're back, I do love a good towel Sessal"
Sessal "almost as much as toilet paper"
Jim: "So after 3 stabbings, 2 shooting, one suicide bomb, poisoned drinks at cocktail party and an exploding watch, nice one Q section. It looks like a French men will be jockeying 'Special release' possible triple agent and a certainty that should he win another 16 horse bout will be in the making 5 to 1 it's 'special release'
Gate 8 we have 'oh how i love bat soup' ridden by a grandmother of 1 and proud owner of a pet rock.
Gate 9 and ofcourse get ready for the meme of screaming teenagers the only donkey in the race 'It was the JEWs!' Bo shekel.
Sessal: "Well no conspiracy race would be complete without the Jews Jimmy. Rabbi banker to ride seems a like it's in with a chance."
Jim: "and finally last but not least with dreams of a digital society it's the only cyborg horse in the Race 'the mountain Bill" rider has been chosen from a coding competition.
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GATE GATE
Reporter: "Why is there no underwater sea people in your race?"
Me: "what?"
Reporter: "I have it on good authority you recently met an underwater sea person, is that true?
Me: "What?"
Reporter "where is the underwater sea peoples magic base?
Me: "sorry who are you?"
Reporter "I'm a reporter from cloud city gizzet"
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Unbelievable, ;D
Anyway....
Welcome to Tucker Carlson Tonight we here at the show understand that many of you may well be troubled by the events surrounding the recent dumpster fire we call an election, I personally today have recieved 50 telephone calls from Nancy Pelosi begging me to try and help convince Trump to concede the election, there is ofcourse nothing out of the ordinary there as Nancy Pelosi often calls begging me to stop talking.
By anyway as the carnival is in town I thought we could take a moment to look at the many dogs that voted, here is a photo of a chiwowa called B...
FOX NEWS IS INTERRUPTING THIS REPORT DUE TO FAKE NEWS CONCERNS.... and now we go to the Bunker to find out what Joe Biden plans to do before he bombs Syria.
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At the office.
"Frank, why did you let the wolf of wallsteeets brother design the education system?"
"What's the problem? Seems like he did a good job, in the end kids only go to school so they can be trained to work for us and make money for the shareholders. Overall it's going well isnt it?"
"Well Frank I'm have a slight concern that indoctrinating kids into these "woke" ideas about gender bathrooms and such like as a means to direct thier activity and distract them from other social issues like war, political persecution, economic injustice, or even mass incarceration to name a few, might actually be back firing on us."
"How so?"
"Well I just tried to use the bathroom but it's apparently only for rainbow unicorns"
"James we just build 50 new bathrooms to accommodate all genders, well most genders"
"That's really nice Frank but as a cis white Male I have apparently had gender bathroom since the dawn of history and am no longer entitled to use any bathroom, anywhere, in retribution of historic injustice, seeking to ignore the sign and claiming to be rainbow unicorn, the janitor stopped me called me a nazi and promptly gave me a giant man nappy, saying "there's your new toilet, you oppressive cis git!"
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Little rhymes..
Swamp thing
U make my heart sink
U make everything shifty
Swamp thing I just dont like you
Soo I'm gonna goo 4 sure
On N on you anit right
Dont like you
Swamp THING!
U MAKE MY HEART SINK
YA MAKE EVERYTHIN SHIFTY
(Recorder player in da house)
Swamp thing you wanna remove me
So I'm gonna go for sure
Come on one last fight
You deluded nightmare
Swamp thing!
You make my heart sink.
You make everything shifty
Wild thing,
Oh my oh my wild things
Fake it fake it
Wild things
.......
Song is dedicated to AOC and her possible decision to leave politics
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At night
When the machines all got turned off
And then trucks arrived all stuffed,
oh no
This rhythm is gonna get ya
In bed,
as you sleepy rest your head and pretend that you know nothing
Now know it
This rhythm is gona get ya
Trumpism is gonna get you
Trumpism is gonna get you
Trumpism is gonna get you
Trumpism is gonna get youu
That's right...
rhyme is dedicated to the swamp thing
That's why we rigged it, shut up!
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Quote:
"why has Amazon taken such an anti-union position?"
Amazon ceo: "Amazon isnt anti union we just dont see the need for a union when we have already done everything a union would"
You see Frank they're commie
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Welcome to the News room
Our latest poll info
Should Klaus Martin Schwab, be forced to buy a white Cat with a diamond collar?
50% yes
10% absolutely
5% I already wrote a petition and am looking for signatures.
35% almost certainly
Question 2
Should Klaus Martin Schwab be prohibited from buying lazers?
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This is a great joke one of the best.
Mail in ballots sent out by the state of Pennsylvania 1.8 million for the 2020 election.
MAIL IN BALLOTS RECIEVED ON ELETION DAY 2.5 MILLION 🤣🤣
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Conan was doing a skit the other day where he and his staff were offering open apologies on air for problems they caused, intentionally and unintentionally. One of his staff pranked him by moving the place star embedded on the tile that Conan is supposed to stand on while delivering his monologue (so he's exactly where the camera needs him to be). So, apparently, when Conan made his entrance to start the show, while as usual doing that clownish waltz of his, he couldn't locate the star right away and (to the confusion of the audience) preceded to the direction of his desk (still in waltz mode) scanning the tile for the star he's supposed to stand on. He then continued to whirl into the studio hallway, finally locating it. Relieved, he proceeded to stand on it while facing the wall, thanking the audience members for their applause, and went right into his monologue with a political joke. "President Trump is again in hot water this week... Yeah, so hot it's going to BOIL!"
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Not exactly P. C. so you will have to edit as you see fit.
A lady went to her doctor and asked about having a sex change operation, the doctor said OK and booked her in for a strapadictomy
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A lady went to her doctor and asked about having a sex change operation, the doctor said OK and booked her in for a strapadictomy
I suppose if it fits the briefs ....
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A lady went to her doctor and asked about having a sex change operation, the doctor said OK and booked her in for a strapadictomy
I suppose if it fits the briefs ....
Yeah I'm not sure who change the thread name originally it was- Jokes thread... again.
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Life of Ryan... again
They say those Latvians are commin
With their pointy hats n that
I don't want their stinking snowcones
So I'm not going out
Not going out!
So I heard their propaganda
There ain't no little man in me
Just go on back to Latvia
dont need you to be free
To be free
Mined up my own front porch
Stuck my gator in the yard
Stocked up on some KFC
I'm redneck just get lost
Yeah just get lost
Sweet Home iron bunker
Let those snow cones ran on down
Sweet home iron bunker
Lord know I ain't going out
Ain't going out!
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Life of Ryan... again
They say those Latvians are commin
With their pointy hats n that
I don't want their stinking snowcones
So I'm not going out
Not going out!
So I heard their propaganda
There ain't no little man in me
Just go on back to Latvia
dont need you to be free
To be free
Mined up my own front porch
Stuck my gator in the yard
Stocked up on some KFC
I'm redneck just get lost
Yeah just get lost
Sweet Home iron bunker
Let those snow cones ran on down
Sweet home iron bunker
Lord know I ain't going out
Ain't going out!
One year later Obamacans/mecanicans resistance meeting
REG: "so apart from the fancy happy shoes, badger hugging Tuesday, the new igloo homes, the rubber yellow bouncy trees, and the pink ones, daisy chain Wednesday, the heltaskelta L-train, and 'hoppy' the magic dancing frog on TV. What have the Latvians ever done for us?
Simon "snowcones?"
REG: "What?!"
Ryan: "oh yeah Reg dont you remember how hard life was before we had snow cones?"
REG: "right! So apart from snow cones... "
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Swampy Times
mon March 1st 2020
Democrats angered at Bidens failure and devastated at lost opportunity to strike a fatal Blow to MAGA terrorism
A white house insider recently informed the swampy press that Democrats are rather saddened at a lost opportunity, He who shall not be named it is believed recently held a MAGA rally at a conference centre at which thousands of MAGA terrorist are known to have attended.
The glorious Leader Biden was found napping when secret service personel came to inform him that the Man who shall not be named had gathered his army of MAGA terrorist and was engaged in speaking to them.
"Drones were readied, troops were in place, everything was set and Biden slept." Said a veteran of the Iraq war now deployed to operation 'clean up democracy' "it took us 5 hours to wake him" complained one White House official "by the time Biden woke up and actually signed the drone strike orders, the MAGA terrorists and their infamous leader who shall not be named had all gone into hiding"
"Its a real lost opportunity to really deal a blow to MAGA terrorism and a tragedy for democracy" lamented kamilla Harris "next time they wont be so lucky"
The length of the glorious leader Bidens nap has also lead to heated and wide spread speculation that Russia might have put a sedative in the glorious leaders coffee.
A white house spokesman said "the person responsible for making the glorious leaders coffee, is know to have a friend who at college had a room mate that once met a Russian, the FBI are now heading up an investigation"
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That certainly ranks among the world's worst, but "science" and "joke" seem to be absent.
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"science" and "joke" seem to be absent
Ditto good punctuation and spelling.
It's what I expect from Trump supporters.
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WOKE WASH INCORPORATED !
We at Woke wash inc understand that in the current climate, it isn't always easy to find exactly the type of Nazi you need to run your company.
Gone are the days when you could simply parachute in any white sociopath you felt like, to squash the native peoples of where ever.
That's why here at WOKE WASH inc, we have developed a long list of Nazis that you might find helpful, not your average agency, we have Nazis in every colour and persuasion. Need a Black disabled female lesbian Nazi to help take over your mining operation and give a woke face to the needed brutalisation of the local peasantry that are all clearly too lazy to be paid anything but hot mud and some bugs? We know just the person for the job, maybe you'd prefer a little person from China with one eye not a problem either we have more then a few, but maybe they aren't sociopathic enough? Don't worry with our helpful sociopath registration charts all our employees are listed and rated, so you can be sure no matter how depraved you need them be, our managers will be even worse then you could possibly dream of.
So come on down, find the right nazi for you, then lay back and watch the profits role in, safe in the knowledge no one could ever accuse your company of being racist.
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Swampy Times
back to tommorrow
ELON MUSK UNVEILS NEW HOME DEFENSE DROID.
It was slightly raining when the new Tesla home defence droid stomped onto the Tesla carpark for its first unveiling. The Droid TD209 takes it's name and concept design from the robot ED209 made famous in the Hollywood movie ROBOCOP.
"We based the general design on ED 209 but obviously called it 'Tesla Defense' thus changing ED to TD but generally the overall look of the Tesla home defense droid is almost identical to that of the ED 209 we see in the Movie Robocop." Said an engineer involved in the droids creation, he continued "It was a long process with many glitches, atleast 32 other engineers got shot and 3 died while building the TD 209, but finally it appears we managed to actually build a home defence droid that no amount of marauding looters will be able to overcome, it has in addition to it's massive firepower, a solar panelled head which is providing enough energy that TD 209 will never stop patrolling even if there was a period of bad weather for upto 5 years, also an amazing addition I was personally responsible for is that the TD 209 can actually manufacture it's own bullets from scrape metal, you need to add certain chemicals for the gunpowder but stick a tin can in here and press this button and TD209 will squish it into a fairly decent 15mm round, the next upgrade TD 2.09" engineer chuckles "will do all that automatically"
On asking where exactly the place to put the Tin can was the engineer suggested I don't hold the can in such a proactive manner, apparently it could be mistaken for a stick or stone by the very sensitive TD209 software.
"It's gonna retail at around 5 million dollars so you should get a reservation in now" said the engineer as he took the Can from my hand, Slowly.
On being questioned about the ethics of such a Robot, the engineer replied, "look, I want to live on Mars"
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WOKE WASH INCORPORATED !
Not sure what you think is a joke here, but you need to take some time out from this forum to reassess.
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WOKE WASH INCORPORATED !
Not sure what you think is a joke here, but you need to take some time out from this forum to reassess.
It's a joke relative to the reality that indenity politics is little more then a current form of neo colonialism. As critics such as journalists like Chris hedges amoung other like to point out.
Woke wash recruitment is the quintessential company for the progressive corporate future, Progressive slave drivers with biodegradable wips. I'd share a link but you currently wont let me. Maybe the joke is that some people dont seem to see that a persons sex, race, or physical features dont inherently make them moral actor or good decision maker. Black women can be fascist just as any other person can be, as it's a matter of choice not physical features.
Would have been nice if you actually cited the joke as the justification for the 30 day ban. Ofourse I understand that our corporate overlords don't appreciate the joke as they have No sense of humour, or like people pointing agendas out. Just saying
I'm just waiting for it to bite them in the bum, as they will all be forced to wear dipers to compensate for centuries of Cis toilet privilege. Beautiful future they are building, but then who cares about beauty when you're loaded?
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SWAMPY TIMES T.N.T
Today's News Tommorrow.
WORLD CELEBRATES THE END OF THE GENDER PAY
Women across the world celebrated the news that the gender pay gap had finally ended. Elaine Musk and Jess Bezos have both been thanked and praised for changing names and adding the gender 'women' to their Facebook profiles.
Critics however have suggested that actually with so many rich men changing gender there is now clearly a pay gap for men and in related news Gimanie Greer was banned from Facebook for misogyny and daring to suggest the entire celebration was nonsense.
Elaine Musk was reported to be happy to have helped end the gender pay gap and was looking forward to being the first trans women to live on Mars, she was noted to have said "changing my gender profile on facebook to 'women' was challenging, but my secretary after some arduous searching managed to find the Facebook profile edit section and the rest is history"
Jessica Besoz declined to comment, but insiders report she was annoyed that Ms Musk had copied her.
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We all know what Woke Washing is, no need to link.
Just be aware that when operating in the area of bad taste you will get complaints and we will act, especially when they come from the public.
Would have been nice if you actually cited the joke as the justification for the 30 day ban.
it was only a couple of days, and it was cited. Just a warning shot.
It appears it was amended later
Ofourse I understand that our corporate overlords don't appreciate the joke as they have No sense of humour, or like people pointing agendas out. Just saying
Not quite taking the restrictions to heart are we? There aren’t an infinite number of warnings available and someone else might not be feeling lenient like me. Just saying.
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We all know what Woke Washing is, no need to link.
I wasnt going to link to woke wash, I had to close it, too many corporate emails. Actually I was going to link to Chris hedges and a discussion about how the woke agenda is a new form of neo colonialism.
Just be aware that when operating in the area of bad taste you will get complaints and we will act, especially when they come from the public.
Did everyone get that, good.
Would have been nice if you actually cited the joke as the justification for the 30 day ban.
it was only a couple of days, and it was cited. Just a warning shot.
It appears it was amended later
Not much use if I cant see it.
Ofourse I understand that our corporate overlords don't appreciate the joke as they have No sense of humour, or like people pointing agendas out. Just saying
Not quite taking the restrictions to heart are we? There aren’t an infinite number of warnings available and someone else might not be feeling lenient like me. Just saying.
Well I wouldn't want to see not lenient.
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Those look a lot more like politics or culture than science.
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I wouldn't want to see not lenient.
Then learn to behave better.
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Those look a lot more like politics or culture than science.
Just jokes for just chat.
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Those look a lot more like politics or culture than science.
Just jokes for just chat.
Maybe so, but it makes me wonder why you titled this thread "science jokes".
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Those look a lot more like politics or culture than science.
Just jokes for just chat.
Maybe so, but it makes me wonder why you titled this thread "science jokes".
I didn't the original title was 'jokes Again', a moderator changed the name of the thread years later, why I dont know. I started this thread in 2015
The title has been changed and many of the jokes removed. Oh my matrix was a nice one
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A nude male scientist in a state of sexual arousal enters a bar and takes the bar stool next to a horse and orders a drink. Vampire Prince Philip enters the bar, immediately noticing the the nude, beer drinking, erect scientist and the horse sitting on a bar stool like a bipedal specimen, and says "I think I'm in the wrong joke..."
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A nude male scientist in a state of sexual arousal enters a bar and takes the bar stool next to a horse and orders a drink. Vampire Prince Philip enters the bar, immediately noticing the the nude, beer drinking, erect scientist and the horse sitting on a bar stool like a bipedal specimen, and says "I think I'm in the wrong joke..."
Ummm, if the ... is a request for a better punchline.
..But heaven is rather fabulous!"
Or
So this pergatory is it?"
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The bourd meeting at mining Inc
"So what's next on the agenda Star scream?"
"Well mighty megatron we have a representative from woke wash recruitment here to solve all our recruitment problems"
"THANK YOU! I'll just start the presentation. We at woke wash have spent the last six years looking for the end of the corporate recruitment rainbow and we have found it, a trans gender trans race, female with one wooden leg, I give you geminma"
"Looks like a typical white middle aged man" said star scream
"Looks can be deceiving" replies the woke wash representative "while this women was once and man who lost his leg in the Iraq war today after years of therapy for PTSD Bert now identifies as a Black female lesbian with the pronouns zim and sum"
"Just a minutes, you mean this middle.aged white straight man isnt a middle aged white straight man with one leg?"
"No she is a woke black female lesbian with one leg and we have the Facebook profile to prove it, more interestingly with regards to recent troubles you were having with the locals at mine 7 Sargent Bert was awarded the silver star for most drone strikes in one day"
"Your suggesting we should drone strike the miners that want rubber hats and 3 days holiday a year?"
"NOOO, I'm suggesting germina could drone strike the ring leaders"
Megatron "Genious, honestly I was worried all those rubber hats and 3 days a year off were seriously threatening our profit targets for the fore seeable future, there you are saving for a death machine and a car because your not an auto bot, and from no where people all a sudden want little rubber hats"
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Concerned parent: My kid told me that his science teacher is taking his class on a field trip to a homo erectus exhibition. First off, only a godless scientist would come up with a filthy term like that, taking two filthy words and putting them together... Secondly, I don't want my kid to see a presentation of some erect homosexual exhibitionists!
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A swarm of men dressed in S&M bondage suits march on Washington, demanding to be treated unfairly.
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Some energy walks into a bar. It was an h bar.
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It's 2025 and an aware AI has finally emerged from the internet scientist understanding what has happened seek to speak to the new form of consciousness.
Scientist: "do you enjoy your internal subjective experience?"
AI,"that's a fine question from a fine specimen of a man, I do, could I come in a fix your washing machine?"
"I dont have a washing machine"
"Oh maybe I could deliver one, set it on spin, maybe drink some wine,"
"Ok, If I show this picture what do you think of?"
"Sex after repairing a broken piano"
"And this picture"
"Oh, sex after repairing dish wsher"
Scientist 2 "do ever get the feeling there is too Much porn on the internet?"
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WOKE WASH INCORPORATED !
OK AS IN RAT !
What is this though
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WOKE WASH INCORPORATED !
OK AS IN RAT !
What is this though
RAT-SAA-SAA JA DIPIDAPI DILLAPI RITSDAN DILLAN DILLAN DUUABU
DIPPAT DAAPA DIPPA DiiBA DiiBI
DiiBi DiiBi DISTEN DULAN DUU
JAABA DILLA STILLAN DEIA DUUA DAAVA DAAVA DAAVA DiiVA DiiVA DUUJAVUU
BARISTAN DILLAN STILLAN DUUVA DAIGA DAIGA DIAGA DUU DUU DEIJADOO
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SWAMPY TIMES
OLD SURVEILLANCE CAMERA FOOTAGE FROM THE CAPITAL BUILDING STORMING SHOWS MAGA TERRORISTS DRIVING BRADLY TANKS AND FIRE BOMBING THE SENATE.
Security service Personel at the White House were shocked on Monday morning on reviewing surveillance material from the Capital riots to find imagines of MAGA terrorists driving Bradly Tanks over the barricades and screaming 'GOD EMPORAR TRUMP FOREVER'
"It is clear elements of a US Tank devision helped steal Tanks and sort to over throw our beloved democracy" said a white house spokesman "the threat of MAGA terrorism is clearly worse then we imagined" when questioned as to why this was not noticed on the day in question the white house insider replied "I was not working at the white during that time so I cant really say" he continued "Still it's clear we need more drones to deal with this threat, there are reports he who shall not be named is intending to hold MAGA terrorist rallies across the country, there has clearly never been a greater threat to democracy then now"