Naked Science Forum
Life Sciences => Physiology & Medicine => Topic started by: optimomma on 03/08/2005 15:20:40
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My four year old has a horrible anger problem. I have had him tested for ADD, but the neurologist said no. I get angry with him because of some of the things he says and does. I tell him that I know he is mad but he has to move on and not let it ruin his and our day. He is so tender hearted toward animals, but my husband and I seem to bring out the worst in him. Anyone dealing with a similar issue please advise. I don't want to take him to a psychiatrist because they put things into children's heads.
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"they put things into children's heads" I think this is a very broad statement and I think you maybe have had bad experiences with one in the past. One of my rotations was in mental health and that simply isn't true.
What is he mad about? What triggers his behaviour? Is it attention seeking behaviour or is something making him angry? Is he an only child? He could be frustrated and bored. Does he have a younger brother/sister? Maybe they are getting more attention then he is.
My friend's daughter is now 5 and she is like that. She shouts at him, tells him she hates him and wishes she was adopted. She doesn't listen to him. But she is as good as gold for her mum.
Consult a therapist who specialises in children if it is really bad. Sometimes they can simply observe the child and comment but nobody is going to "put things into your son's head"
Live long and Love life
Kevin Fisher
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I'm a nervous wreck of a Daddy [:D]with three kids (plus one more about to pop out !)...mine are 11, 9 and 3......PLEASE do not worry Jewel, your little guy is quite normal though I understand the behaviour can be traumatising !!...well, I don't need to understand..I KNOW !!!!....the little bra...err..Darlings really push you and test you to the limits but you just have to keep on telling yourself that this is a four year old and do not apply mature behaviour and values to him.....It's absoluteley NORMAL.
Kevin is right about seeking help for a child therapist (as a last resort) perhaps just for an appraiasal...and as Kevin says...no one is going to put things into his head...
Good Luck and keep us posted Jewel.[;)]
(https://www.thenakedscientists.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Finstagiber.net%2Fsmiliesdotcom%2Fcontrib%2Ficw%2F003.gif&hash=f326f525e3f6c60d4ea3ecbb24d1df2a)Men are the same as women.... just inside out !!(https://www.thenakedscientists.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Finstagiber.net%2Fsmiliesdotcom%2Fcontrib%2Ficw%2F003.gif&hash=f326f525e3f6c60d4ea3ecbb24d1df2a)
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Kevin,I know that statement was broad, but I honestly believe children especially very young ones can be lead to believe something that may simply not be true and can hurt others badly. Are you a doctor? I have seen you on other postings. I am don't want my son to turn out to be some wacko. He has a younger brother (17mos.) They play well together, I have never seen anything off color come from the older to the younger. As a mother you know we watch for weird things. He always wants to go to his grammys house. My mother spoils him rotten, I think that is an issue. I had to discipline him yesterday, after I did he settled down and reached out for hugs and kisses. It was like he just needed an adjustment and then to know that I loved him. The rest of the evening went great. Explain that! Anyway, I work out of the home and am gone greater part of day, I know that doesn't help. Last year I worked close to him and he could see me anytime he needed to. Now I think my working far away has big issues for him. I told him that it is only for a short while, then I will be home next year for good I hope. Cut in pay made me have to work. We are painting his room and making it lively for him and my younger sons room too. I know there has been alot of changes in the last year, but they had to happen. New home, cousin sick again with cancer, going to pre-K. He adapts to change pretty well, just hoping it hasn't been to much. I am truly venting, hope I make sense.
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Kevin and Neil,
Thanks for your input, I think the guys point of view is interesting. I looked at your profiles. Kevin, Now I understand about the medical info you give. Get back to it. Maybe you could direct your learnings to counselling. Neil, what's the deal with your foot? :) I remember you two from Zetacaps forum. How's that going? I got my zetacaps yesterday took one for dinner and one this morning no noticeable difference yet.
My son, Cody, is very intelligent. He loves animals, especially ocean animals. Took him to March of the Penguins last week. He loved it. So did I! I must say Cody is very different than most children in a good way. I didn't goo goo gaa gaa my kids, they both speak well and he has a great vocabulary (sometimes not so good for us). He will be in school soon and I just hope his temper slows down. Any differnce Neil in your kids going to school? Did it calm them a bit? Well, I know they are mine for a reason, so I must help them to grow and be great men. I just need some encouragement sometimes.
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My daughter does the same thing. She is five. Last year she loved me and this year somehow I'm "not fun" anymore and she is always yelling. She has fits where she cries about something small like a broken popsicle or something, and it turns into this huge screaming hitting throwing thing and she almost hyperventilates herself ( I hope that's a real term ). It's like she doesn't know how to calm herself down until she gets to the point where she almost passes out, she doesn't even remember what made her start crying to begin with.
I have no advice for you on this, only understanding! Has he ever explained to you what he feels so mad about?
You guys tell me things all the time I think is stupid until I hear it from somebody else
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Sometimes they just don't have the vocabulary to communicate what may be wrong, most times you may just get a shrugged shoulder, or a defiant silence....other times, you'll be amazed at their eloquence....astounding !!
Jewel, soon after they started nursery school (you guys/gals call it kindergarten eh ?...or is it pre-school ?)...anyway...YES, soon after my eldest two started nursery they seemed to have calmed down a bit, but, they can also inherit incorrect behaviour too. Jewel, how long has your little guy been like this ?....there are so many phases that kids/we go thtough though I think I can tell you have been at the end of your tether too. Perhaps you can derive a little consolation that we have all been there. Additionally, my three year old has started showing the first signs of ' tantrum mode '...becoming defiant, laying down the rules.....
Have you considerered being firm but fair ?...you may need to get advice on this, but there are methods that can be used to ' train ' the young uns to act appropriately !...don't be scared of using discipline...but make sure it's the right discipline !!...cruel to be kind eh ?....the thing is not to let the young chap get away with it every time...I'm NOT saying you do do that Jewel, but in my personal experience, I have struggled to use discipline with my kids as it's not really my nature but being strong and assertive can work wonders....and I have found that if you do let them get away with it...they will try and get away with more next time !
Regarding the zetacap thread !!..oh boy !!..check it out !..the reason why I'm on there is because I was originally interested in the original persons post who started that thread (and who has never returned !)...but I'm also a moderator of this site, so I just check it out and offer support too.
...and what's wrong with my foot ?...don't you like the cat cup too ?
..and MyDogDaisy..thanks for your valuable contribution too..[:)]
(https://www.thenakedscientists.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Finstagiber.net%2Fsmiliesdotcom%2Fcontrib%2Ficw%2F003.gif&hash=f326f525e3f6c60d4ea3ecbb24d1df2a)Men are the same as women.... just inside out !!(https://www.thenakedscientists.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Finstagiber.net%2Fsmiliesdotcom%2Fcontrib%2Ficw%2F003.gif&hash=f326f525e3f6c60d4ea3ecbb24d1df2a)
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Have you tried positive encouragement rather than negative punishment? When children get punished for doing soemthing bad they receive attention. Regardless of whether this is negative or positive attention it is attention all the same and to a 4 year old this is great. It is also great fun winding mummy up.
Try not to acknowledge his bad behaviour. Say something such as "thats very naughty Kevin you mustn't do that." and when he does something good say "that's very good Kevin well done."
He wants attention and to a 4 year old any attention is good. Try to get him to associate you spending time with his brother as a good thing. Youngsters HATE their mum spending time with anyone else.
When u have to feed/change/play with the baby let 4 yr old associate that with him not being ignored.
Im sure you're a great mum and the fact you've asked for help says more about you than you realise. It shows me that you care for a start.
All grandmas spoil their grandkids, its a licence to spoil them. I put on 3 stone when i stayed at my nans as a kid.
But above all dont worry he is a 4 year old.
To answer your question about zetacap I dont use it. Im smart enough to know that a fad wont make me a sex god. Im not fat just want to lose a bit so my six pack shows again.
Live long and Love life
Kevin Fisher
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Interesting, always wondered how these threads work.
Neil, You are right. Sunday, church, all the kids were in there for Family Worship. He sat with his friends, got into trouble and made too much noise. I took him out, Daddy doesn't always take care of discipline, I told him that his behavior was unacceptable (Nanny101) and that I was disappointed in him. I asked him what was up, shrug-I don't know. I didn't spank him, ie. you being right. I should have spanked him for that, but I was not in the frame of mind to do so. I am pretty hard on him, I think that's why he wants to go to grammys so much. But If I don't teach him what is right who will? I look forward to his changes good and er.. bad! I know they will be a trip.
I heard on Mix 96.5 this morning from DR. Turow, and clinical Psy. of Pediatrics and Adults that it is hard to diagnose children under 7 with ADD and would be skeptical of that diagnose, he also said that ADD is treatable without medicine. WOWWWWW!!! I couldn't believe what I was hearing. It seems that they always want to give the kids Ridlin (sp?) or some other type of meds.
I will keep working with my Cody, hoping to shape him into a great man someday. Thanks.
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This is interesting, I was trying to find the Zetacap thread while at a different computer and here I am!!
Anyway, as a social worker I've run into a lot of kids diagnosed ADD or ADHD that really were just brats and the parents didn't want to work at changing the behaviors so they medicated the child. I think in the time I had a pediatric caseload with approx 32 kids, only one I would have really diagnosed ADHD. That child never stopped moving, from hanging on the couch upsidedown, to swinging from the doors, and that was WITH medication.
Bad behavior is not a normal part of being a child. When there is bad behavior, some need of the child is not being met. Usually it's the need to communicate but they need to know how. Screaming seems to work so they use that until they are taught different. Listen to the child and ask them to use words to tell you if they are angry or sad or what they are feeling and why. Help them and take the time. Remember to reward good behaviors too. If simple things don't work, go to a child behavioralist to help with ideas on how to modify the bad behaviors. A psych doc isn't always the answer although I would never discourage someone from going to a professional. Or call NANNY911!
[:o)]
Bon
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Thank you Bon! That is very good information. You know as a mother I worry so much about how the things I say and do will affect my children in years to come. I am very careful but sometimes life gets the best of you. I have never wanted or tried to hurt my children, but sometimes I need to get away even for just a couple of minutes and Saturday was one of those days. I was going to go to the grocery store. I don't mind going there because I usually go by myself and that is one hour of ..hmm.. bliss? I was on my way out the door when my 4 year old asked to go. Being the loving and nurturing mother that I am (pats, someone has to do it) I took him. I must have been 5 shades of red by the time we left, not to mention somewhere between home and the store I lost a $20. I was so exhausted by the time I got home. I just wanted to go to bed. 6pm I put the pizzas on to bake and walked to my neighbors, I put the buzzer on the pizzas and on my way back home I smelled the burning pizzas. Fire went through my soul. I was furious, I just knew my husband let them burn, come to find out they began burning long before the timer went off and he even got them out early. You see how life just makes a mess of things? I just want to love my children and them to love me and not want to get far away from me as they grow older. I hope there has been something I have done right in these 4 1/2 years.
Thanks again for your help.
Jewel