Naked Science Forum
General Discussion & Feedback => Just Chat! => Topic started by: DoctorBeaver on 29/10/2008 00:19:59
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Fart In A Crowded Lift (Elevator) Day!
Making you aware of this now will give you plenty of time to consume appropriate combustibles. Let's see how many of you Game For A Laughers manage it
[;D]
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Or the other elevator cardinal Sin - TALK to someone in an elevator!
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There are approximately just under 20 or about 20 elevators here in the Arcata Eureka area..... That includes 3 hospitals! So I won't worry!
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Or the other elevator cardinal Sin - TALK to someone in an elevator!
Definite taboo over here, as is any unsolicited contact. If you don't want someone sitting next to you in a train pat the seat just as they look as though they might sit there. [;D]
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I always talk to people in the elevator.. everywhere really!
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Take a look at these outtakes from the Peter Sellers 'Pink Panther' films, it includes the classic 'fart in the lift' scene
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=30KxQG9YTkQ&feature=related (http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=30KxQG9YTkQ&feature=related)
And the actual scene
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=ViYclyAkkDg (http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=ViYclyAkkDg)
I shall find a lift somewhere and leave my mark upon it and it's passengers.
From now until then, it's beans, Brussel Sprouts, dry roasted peanuts, curries, hard boiled eggs, Guinness and owt else I can think of for good effect.
(https://www.thenakedscientists.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fbestsmileys.com%2Frude%2F20.gif&hash=33b5354a40d0701889db23e4c8ebee95)
Hmmm, perhaps some rubber underwear might be a good idea in case I go a step too far in my quest.
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Hmmm, perhaps some rubber underwear might be a good idea in case I go a step too far in my quest.
That could be wise. Breaking wind in a crowded lift is one thing...
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...in case I go a step too far in my quest.
Reminds me of that children's classic, one of the series of books by by Capt W E Johns, Biggles Follows Through.
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...in case I go a step too far in my quest.
Reminds me of that children's classic, one of the series of books by by Capt W E Johns, Biggles Follows Through.
That was a crap book
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(https://www.thenakedscientists.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fbestsmileys.com%2Fdoh%2F2.gif&hash=fef6931e562a6dc5fd0fd29a97202c70)doh!!!
That reminds me of the fella walking the steets of Las Vegas one night with a sack over his shoulder. The police stopped him and demanded he show them what was in the sack. It was full of s**t. 'Awww bloody pooooorrrrrrrrrrr' exclaimed the police officer, 'What are you doing with sack full of turds?'
The man replied, 'I won it in a crap game.'
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And you had the nerve to D'OH at mine! [:(!]
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...in case I go a step too far in my quest.
Reminds me of that children's classic, one of the series of books by by Capt W E Johns, Biggles Follows Through.
That was a crap book
I agree - not a patch on Biggles' Fly's Open.
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What about "Biggles Breaks The Silence (http://www.bhaduris.net/biggles/blist.html)", (back to lifts/elevators again).
or "Biggles And The Dark Intruder (http://www.bhaduris.net/biggles/blist.html)", ("Dark intruder" , isn't that on sale in Anne Sommers ?) [:)].
(PS
according this site (http://www.bhaduris.net/biggles/blist.html) "Biggles follows on" and "Biggles Sees It Through", but not "Biggles follows through".)
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And you had the nerve to D'OH at mine! [:(!]
(https://www.thenakedscientists.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fbestsmileys.com%2Flol%2F4.gif&hash=dc0017defb1737ae43c0ff6efcb35b2a)
I am well on my way to joining Doc Beaver on his Friday Lift Farting day.
I have selected my targets, all on Canary Wharf, the high rise lifts in Barclays HQ, 1 Canada Sq., HSBC and Citigroup tower blocks.
(https://www.thenakedscientists.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fcadworldassociates.com%2Fa2_outside1.jpg&hash=5f8cc67aed2d82c4322c24b9973d4dca), (https://www.thenakedscientists.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fgallery.hd.org%2F_tn%2Fstd%2Fplaces-and-sights%2F_more2007%2F_more05%2FEngland-London-Docklands-Canary-Wharf-skyscrapers-towers-including-One-Canada-Square-and-Citigroup-and-HSBC-glass-and-steel-against-cloudless-blue-sky-skies-1-DHD.jpg&hash=d6011f6d7708e5d1c8ee1427deb29d2c)
I have procured the following essentials for actual day.
1 x Self contained breathing apparatus kit. (Don’t want to gas myself)
1 x Pair of eye protection goggles with anti-mist lenses
1 x Pair of ear plugs
1 x 6 pair pack rubber undergarments (in case of ‘follow through’)
1 x 6pce pack 25 lt. extra strong self-sealing polythene sacks (for disposal of soiled undergarments)
1 x Safety pin (to deflate rubber undergarments if necessary) (https://www.thenakedscientists.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fbestsmileys.com%2Fballons%2F1.gif&hash=f5f49a4d10fc4cffb1b79767d9b49a86)
1 x Pair rubber soled, lead weighted diving boots (rubber soles to avoid any possibility of sparks igniting the gases & lead to avoid ‘take-off’)
1 x Lasso (in case of boot failure)
1 x placard (https://www.thenakedscientists.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.freesmileys.org%2Fsmileys%2Fsigns044.gif&hash=426b086f665d55f4dbac490a5f8a1f5f) (http://www.freesmileys.org) or (https://www.thenakedscientists.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.goodsmileys.com%2Fimage%2Frolleyes%255E_%255Earial%255E_%255E0%255E_%255E0%255E_%255EIt%2Bwas%2Bhim%252C%2Bhonest%2Bit%2Bwas%255E_%255E000000%255E_%255E.gif&hash=d6a1769ecc9b4bd830324498f688b727) (http://www.goodsmileys.com)
I have been consuming all the necessary comestibles for the best effect and have started this day with a breakfast of Kellogg’s’ All Bran, followed by curried beans on toast with diced hardboiled egg and topped with parmesan cheese, washed down with a pint of Guinness. Lunch will be deep fried Rock Salmon (Huss/ Dog Fish) with high bran bread. Also washed down with Guinness. Dinner will be curried beans with dry roasted peanuts served with hardboiled egg bahjee and Brussel sprout paneer. All washed down with the obligatory several pints of Guinness.
For good measure, I shall have any left-overs’ for breakfast in the morning before commencement of my mission.
What’s that gurgling sound? Ooer, excuse me, I must retreat to the WC with some urgency, I may be away for some considerable time! (https://www.thenakedscientists.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.freesmileys.org%2Fsmileys%2Fscared007.gif&hash=f94604e4fee0a362f71571c6ae8c3e0c) (http://www.freesmileys.org)
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What about "Biggles Breaks The Silence (http://www.bhaduris.net/biggles/blist.html)", (back to lifts/elevators again).
or "Biggles And The Dark Intruder (http://www.bhaduris.net/biggles/blist.html)", ("Dark intruder" , isn't that on sale in Anne Sommers ?) [:)].
(PS
according this site (http://www.bhaduris.net/biggles/blist.html) "Biggles follows on" and "Biggles Sees It Through", but not "Biggles follows through".)
I admit that I took some license here. Not so with Biggles's friend Algy who I'm sure was gay - who can forget lines like "Algy's naked body was illuminated only by the green glow from his instrument panel". They don't write them like that any more.
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Go for it, Don! (https://www.thenakedscientists.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fbestsmileys.com%2Fcheering%2F1.gif&hash=6728e488f6a57a0c07d0e73171a595ab)
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"Algy's naked body was illuminated only by the green glow from his instrument panel".
They don't write them like that any more.
I've heard that they do...
Slash fiction
The name arises from the use of the slash symbol (/) in mentions in the late '70s of K/S
(meaning stories where Kirk and Spock had a romantic (and often sexual) relationship)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Slash_fiction
That is illogical Captain. [:)]
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Well I fear I have let you down Doc. (https://www.thenakedscientists.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fbestsmileys.com%2Fsad%2F8.gif&hash=c615be920654a9f5bf67aec2454530d2) And after so much preparation. (https://www.thenakedscientists.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fbestsmileys.com%2Fsad%2F6.gif&hash=bfd1746e3991c0ad90c0bf21c211670a)
Last night, after a full day’s consuming of ‘evil whiff’ producing foodstuffs, I arose from my seat to go to bed. As I stood up, I rested my now swollen stomach on a skate board and made my way to the bathroom. Alas, I found I could not cleanse myself. As I got in the bath, the water got out. I tried to shower, but my now distended stomach sheltered my lower regions, so I retired to the bed chamber.
As I climbed into the bed, it began to groan and creak. This was followed by the ‘boinging’ of springs.
I fell into a deep sleep.
In the early hours of the morning, I was awoken by a sharp and excruciating pain in my nether region. It transpires that during my slumber, my relaxed body could no longer contain the ever increasing pressure building up inside my anal region. It escaped with much gusto and, alas, followed through. There had been a great issuing of highly unpleasant waste material. My wife stood there at the edge of the bed, with just the whites of her eyes showing through what, at first glance, appeared to be a chocolate fountain which had just been switched off.
She had expressed her displeasure by throwing my rubber soled, lead lined boots at me whilst I slept oblivious to the eruption. One boot had connected firmly with my posterior, while the other (they were tied together by their laces) had swung around to my frontal region, directly opposite, and landed squarely upon my external reproductive organs. This was the source of the extreme pain I was now experiencing.
The eerie silence of the bed chamber was then broken by great gurgling and rumbling. I looked down at my once greatly distended waistline and noted that it had shrunk considerably. Realising what had occurred and was about to repeat itself, I turned to make a hasty dash for the WC. As I did so, I caught a glimpse of large object, not too dissimilar to the copy of Tolstoy’s War & Peace which my wife had been reading in bed, flying across the bed in the general direction of my head. I have no further recollection of this nocturnal event.
I awoke this morning feeling very cold. Deciding to shut the bed chamber window, I got out of bed and fell in the garden fishpond. ‘Strange’ I thought to myself, ‘what’s the fishpond doing in the bedroom?’ A passing Ghost Carp, with one fin over his nose, appeared to be mouthing words to me. I’m sure he was saying “Fish off” or something like that, and went on to cast dispersions against my personal hygiene and to question my parentage.
I clambered out of the fishpond and, removing several pieces of pondweed from my person, looked around to find that it was I who was in the wrong place, not the fishpond. As I made my way to the kitchen door, I became aware of a most horrendous odour, seemingly arising from my lower region.
The kitchen door was flung open from within. There stood my wife, resplendent in her negligee and self contained breathing apparatus. ‘SELF CONTAINED BREATHING APARATUS?’ I thought to myself rather puzzled.
“Good Morning dearest” I said, “I think I need a shower.” As these words left my lips, she greeted me with the full power of the garden hose. Above my screaming I’m sure I heard her echoing the words of the Ghost Carp. At last the Antarctic flow of icy cold water ceased. The memory of the night’s events began to flood back into my head. Donning a large warm overcoat and grabbing the stiff bristled yard broom, my wife approached me and commenced a verbal barrage of expletives. She was of great assistance to me in recalling the precise details of what had transpired that night. Each other word was punctuated with heavy blow to various parts of my anatomy with the broom.
“And” thud “don’t” thud “think” wallop “you” crunch “are” thud “going” wallop “to” wallop “get” crunch “in” thud “with” bang “the” zap “Tort” clout “oises”, (she had managed to slip a clout in between the syllables of ‘Tortoises’).
I think perhaps I had become overenthusiastic about the Friday ‘Fart in a packed lift day’.
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I did it. In a hospital lift! [;D]
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I shan't try to beat the words Don has fashioned in to a remarkable semblance of a P. G. Woodhouse incident, though the voracity of said words may be just too much to "stomach."
I did, however, manage to fart in a check-out line (que) at the grocery store. It was wonderful. Mexican food is just the most wonderful gas producing food in the world. Vindaloo cannot hold a candle to it.
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I shan't try to beat the words Don has fashioned in to a remarkable semblance of a P. G. Woodhouse incident, though the voracity of said words may be just too much to "stomach."
Do you mean "veracity"?
I did, however, manage to fart in a check-out line (que) at the grocery store. It was wonderful. Mexican food is just the most wonderful gas producing food in the world. Vindaloo cannot hold a candle to it.
(https://www.thenakedscientists.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fbestsmileys.com%2Fclapping%2F2.gif&hash=f3ac90d0f104dd89dbe260c598e013a8)
Well, JamBlob - looks like the old gits are flying the flag. These young 'uns just can't cut the mustard.
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Right, old boy, these young'uns just ain't got wot i' take's t' cut it.
No, it is a pun sir - "VOR - acious" = "VOR-acity" - Is it clear to you now?
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Mexican food is just the most wonderful gas producing food in the world. Vindaloo cannot hold a candle to it.
Don't put a candle anywhere near it, it's a fire hazard [:)]
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Right, old boy, these young'uns just ain't got wot i' take's t' cut it.
No, it is a pun sir - "VOR - acious" = "VOR-acity" - Is it clear to you now?
I did wonder about that, but knowing how atrocious your spelling normally is, I made the natural assumption.
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I was on an aeroplane on Friday with no lifts. I always Fart on planes as the terrible food plays havoc with my IBS. If one of the engines failed they could have strapped me to the wing and I would have been able to produce enough guff to get us home. So does Fart in a plane count as it was a small box.
If you do fart obviously at an embarrassing moment, I always find explaining the science behind the farting sound dispels the tension.