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at least you got one......  These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.______________________________________ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?WITNESS: I forget.ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?WITNESS: My name is Susan! ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one. ________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: How many were boys?WITNESS: None.ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?______________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?WITNESS: By death.ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?WITNESS: Guess._____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?_________________________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!______________________________________ And the best for last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
I replied, "M'lud, I shall endeavour not to expire until after court has risen" 
there is this math joke:q: "what's purple and commutes?"a: "an abelian grape."math geeks explain that abelian sets have the commutative property and grapes are purple, ergo humor. armed with this "joke", which i didn't completely understand, i set out to entertain the overeducated. turns out that most math geeks had already heard that one, and the best i could get out of them was a polite chuckle. my friend richard was from sweden and studying math at mit. he seemed like a good candidate.me: "what's purple and commutes?"richard: "i don't know."me: "an abelian grape."richard: "um… what's a grape?"me: "a small purple fruit."richard: *laughs* - "that's funny!" richard was later overhead delivering the punch line to a friend, "an abelian fig! …get it!"