Joke of the day

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #100 on: 30/05/2010 10:01:36 »
At a bar Neilep said to BenV;

John Chapman tried to make a new kind of car. He took wheels from a Cadillac, radiator from a Lexus, tires from a Ford”

“What did he get? Asked BenV

“Two years.” Said Neilep [:D] [:D] [:D]



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Offline Karen W.

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #101 on: 30/05/2010 10:43:26 »
A Nun goes up to a Priest and asks him, "Father, how do you make Holy water?"

The priest looked at her and replied, "You shake the h ell out of it!" :-)

"Life is not measured by the number of Breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #102 on: 31/05/2010 11:56:17 »
RD asked Geezer “What happened to John chapman’s boat?”

“Ever notice that big rock at the entrance to the Golden Gate?” said Geezer.

“Yes, I have” replied RD.

“Well, he didn’t” said Geezer. [:D] [:D] [:D]




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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #103 on: 01/06/2010 17:55:10 »
A schoolteacher was trying to teach her six-year old class students how to say the pledge of allegiance to the flag. The schoolteacher said, O.K. children begin by putting your hand over your little heart and repeat with me, I pledge allegiance to the HOLD IT! HOLD IT! Johnny, why is your hand over your butt cheek instead of your heart? Johnny relied! I can’t. Teacher asks, why not? Well you see, when my aunt comes over to pick me up and pats my bottom and says, BLESS YOUR LITTLE HEART!!!!!! [:D] [:D] [:D]

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Offline Pedrina19

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #104 on: 09/06/2010 05:29:58 »
Nice jokes, i wish i knew good jokes like yours

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #105 on: 10/06/2010 14:24:20 »
On a visit to Chicago, a woman was eager to visit a posh department store a few blocks from her hotel. Her husband agreeably hailed a cab. “The lady wants to go to Neiman Marcus,” he told the driver.
The cabby looked over his shoulder at them. “And the gentleman?” he asked. “Does he want to go to the bank?” [:D] [:D] [:D]




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Offline SeanB

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #106 on: 10/06/2010 19:21:10 »
Or more likely to the poorhouse!

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #107 on: 11/06/2010 18:34:07 »
The humble little accountant had his suspicion. One day he left the office early and, sure enough, at home he found a strange hat and umbrella in the hallway and sitting in the living room in the arms of another man was his wife. Wild for revenge, the husband picked up the man’s umbrella and snapped it in two across his knee.
“There!” he said. “Now I hope it rains!” [:D] [:D] [:D]

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #108 on: 12/06/2010 19:07:59 »
John Chapman watching a Tarzan movie rushed out of the hall the moment a tiger appeared on screen, advancing menacingly towards the audience.
Neilep trying to stop him argued that it's only a movie, to which the John Chapman replied: “I know it’s a movie, you also know it is, but does the tiger know"? [:D] [:D] [:D]





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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #109 on: 13/06/2010 09:06:49 »
A man gave the waiter his order, "Black coffee, no cream"
The waiter came back and apologized, "I'm sorry, we're out of cream. Would you take your coffee without milk?" [:D] [:D] [:D]




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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #110 on: 15/06/2010 07:26:40 »
A cannibal chief invited over another cannibal chief from a different tribe over for dinner. They sit down and eat the best meat. After dinner, the visiting cannibal chief said, "Wow that was good! Your wife makes the best meat." Then the other cannibal chief said, "Yeah, I'm gonna miss her..." [:D] [:D] [:D]




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Offline peppercorn

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #111 on: 15/06/2010 10:02:30 »
LOL! On fire lately with the jokes, Omid!

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #112 on: 16/06/2010 07:58:29 »
It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers." "That's right!" the boy said, "But, how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said. The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher. The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner. The teacher held he package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!" SURPRISE! [:D] [:D] [:D]


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Offline Geezer

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #113 on: 16/06/2010 19:44:20 »
A cannibal chief invited over another cannibal chief from a different tribe over for dinner. They sit down and eat the best meat. After dinner, the visiting cannibal chief said, "Wow that was good! Your wife makes the best meat." Then the other cannibal chief said, "Yeah, I'm gonna miss her..." [:D] [:D] [:D]


OR

Child:  Mummy! Mummy! Mummy! I hate Daddy's guts!

Mother:  Shut up, and eat what's given to you.
There ain'ta no sanity clause, and there ain'ta no centrifugal force æther.

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #114 on: 17/06/2010 07:52:33 »
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached
a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement
over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain
speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los
Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY G-D!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought
me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!" [:D] [:D] [:D


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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #115 on: 18/06/2010 13:36:13 »
Before going to Europe on business, John Chapman drives his Rolls-Royce to a downtown London's City bank and asks for an immediate loan of £5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requests collateral. "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," John Chapman says. The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping and gives John Chapman £5,000. Two weeks later, John Chapman walks through the bank's doors and asks to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be £5,000 in principal, and £15.40 in interest," the loan officer says. John Chapman writes out a check and starts to walk away. "Wait, sir," the loan officer says. "You are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow £5,000?" John Chapman smiles, "Where else could I find a safer place to park my Rolls-Royce in London for two weeks and pay only £15.40?" [:D] [:D] [:D]

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #116 on: 20/06/2010 10:49:43 »
Neilep, John Chapman, BenV and BORED Chemist were four of the high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.
Much to their relief she smiled and said: "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."
Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said:
"First Question: Which tire was flat?" [:D] [:D] [:D]




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Offline Bored chemist

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #117 on: 21/06/2010 07:14:09 »
"Front left", Miss.
oh, sorry, did you want us to write that down?
Please disregard all previous signatures.

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Offline Mark Lehman

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #118 on: 21/06/2010 09:28:06 »
Santa came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife, Jeeto, with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.

"Was it my friend Banta", he demanded.

"No !" his weeping wife replied.

"Was it my friend Ramta then?" he asked.

"No !!!" she said even more upset.

"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.

"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" Jeeto snapped [:D]

hello guys,

Its Really funny.

Mark.

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #119 on: 21/06/2010 17:25:51 »
"Front left", Miss.
oh, sorry, did you want us to write that down?

NOT bad BORED chemist [:D]

teacher impressed!!!!!!!!!!! [:)]

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #120 on: 21/06/2010 17:31:10 »
John Chapman was teaching Geezer's girlfriend arithmetic, he said it was his mission. He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, "Now that's addition." In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, "Now that's subtraction." Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation. And both together smiled and said, "That's multiplication." Then Geezer appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision. He kicked John Chapman three blocks away and said, "That's long division!" [:D] [:D] [:D]



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Offline Geezer

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #121 on: 22/06/2010 03:45:11 »
Message from the Legal Department:

As it is well known that Geezer is in a state of matrimonial bliss, therefore we request that any future references to "Geezer's girlfriend" should be phrased as;

"Hypothetically speaking, if we assume that Geezer has a girlfriend (strictly for the purposes of this joke) which by signing, the undersigned accept that they will permanently abjure from all allusions to, and implications that, said Geezer actually has a girlfriend"

We trust that you will kindly comply with this request.
There ain'ta no sanity clause, and there ain'ta no centrifugal force æther.

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #122 on: 22/06/2010 12:52:04 »
RD and John Chapman were walking down the street, suddenly RD shouts

"OMG!!! a dead bird!!!"

John Chapman looks up in the air and says

"where???  where???" [:D] [:D] [:D]

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #123 on: 23/06/2010 17:55:51 »
John received a free ticket to the Super Bowl. Unfortunately. John's seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the stadium. He noticed an empty seat 10 rows up from the 50-yard line. He decides to make his way to the empty seat. As he sits down he asks the man next to him if anyone is sitting there. The man told him no, it was empty. John is very excited to have a seat like this at a Super Bowl and asks why in the world no one is using it? The man replied that it was his wife's seat but she passed away. He said this was the first Super Bowl that they have not attended together since they were married in 1968. John said that it was really sad and asked if he couldn't find someone, a relative or a close friend to take the seat?

"No" replied the man, "They're at her funeral!" [:D] [:D] [:D]





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Offline SeanB

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #124 on: 23/06/2010 19:25:19 »
Well the vow was until.............



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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #125 on: 25/06/2010 18:02:45 »
once upon a time when John chapman was a machanic............... [:o)] [:o)] [:o)]



John Chapman was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon BenV in his shop.
BenV was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
John Chapman shouted across the garage, "Hey, SeanB, can I ask you a question?"

BenV a bit surprised, walked over to him working on the motorcycle. John Chapman straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So BenV, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

BenV paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to John Chapman...

"Try doing it with the engine running." [;)] [;)] [;)]

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #126 on: 26/06/2010 14:00:14 »
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh! We’ll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theater arts.
He communicates really well, and I just act like I'm listening." [:D] [:D] [:D]



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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #127 on: 27/06/2010 09:37:03 »
BORED Chemist met Neilep at the railroad station. “Neilep, I’m mighty glad to see you, he greeted. “That crate of chickens you sent me bust open just as I was going to take them out and they ran all over the place. I chase them through my neighbour’s yard and only got back eleven.” “You did okay,” said Neilep. “I only sent you six.” [:D] [:D] [:D]




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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #128 on: 29/06/2010 10:10:24 »
While presenting the weather forecast BenV said, expect 10 to 12 inches of snow tonight so park on the right side of the road so we can plow the left side. BORED Chemist ran out and parked on the right side. The next week BenV called for another 10 to 12 inches of snow, but this time he said park on the left side. So BORED Chemist ran out and parked the car on the left side of the road. The following week BenV said 16 inches of snow expected park, the lights went out and all our power was lost. BORED Chemist said, my goodness, now I don’t know where to park the car. “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage!” said his wife. [:D] [:D] [:D]




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Offline SeanB

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #129 on: 29/06/2010 17:59:30 »
BenV went out jogging one evening, and wore light clothing as he had heard that light coloured clothes are very visible at night. He was run over by Omid, in her part time job as a snowplough operator.

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #130 on: 30/06/2010 12:52:37 »
SeanB, the millionaire, was arrested for speeding and brought before the judge in a small community. When the judge offered him the alternative of paying a $10 fine or serving ten days in jail
SeanB decided to take the ten days. “But, my good man, you are wealthy,” said the judge, amazement ringing his face. “Why you should prefer ten days in jail to paying a $10 fine is beyond me.” “It’s like this, Judge,” SeanB explained.
“Our chef left and my wife figures it’ll take that long to find a new one.” [:D] [:D] [:D]



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Offline Bored chemist

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #131 on: 30/06/2010 19:55:04 »
If I had a car then my wife could tell me where to park it, if I had a wife.
Please disregard all previous signatures.

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Offline SeanB

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #132 on: 30/06/2010 21:03:41 »
I am a millionaire, just in Zimbabwe dollars. I gave away $ 10 million, and still was worth the same, although it is really hard to get more Zimdollars, as the Zim government has given in and started to use US dollars and SA Rands as the OFFICIAL currency. Cheaper than printing your own notes, as the paper was worth considerably more than the notes, even for the $100 trillion notes. A bad thing when noone robs banks, as the money weighs too much, plus you will need a truck and trailer to move it. You saw street peddlers with the money piled in bundles next to them, they guarded the goods as they were worth more.

Rather like the Weimar republic, where you went with the money in a wheelbarrow, and came home with the groceries in your pocket.


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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #133 on: 01/07/2010 09:08:52 »
my wife could tell me where to park it, if I had a wife.

BORED Chemisttttttttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!! [:0] [:0] [:0]

omid gona tell your wife about what you posted for her [xx(] [xx(] [xx(]

I am a millionaire, just in Zimbabwe dollars. I gave away $ 10 million, and still was worth the same, although it is really hard to get more Zimdollars, as the Zim government has given in and started to use US dollars and SA Rands as the OFFICIAL currency. Cheaper than printing your own notes, as the paper was worth considerably more than the notes, even for the $100 trillion notes. A bad thing when noone robs banks, as the money weighs too much, plus you will need a truck and trailer to move it. You saw street peddlers with the money piled in bundles next to them, they guarded the goods as they were worth more.

Rather like the Weimar republic, where you went with the money in a wheelbarrow, and came home with the groceries in your pocket.

Omid didn't get even a word of the above [:-\] [:-\] [:-\]
« Last Edit: 01/07/2010 14:44:24 by omid »

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #134 on: 01/07/2010 09:12:05 »
I’m going to buy a farm two miles long and half inch wide said BORED Chemist.

What, would you grow on a farm that size, asked SeanB.

Spaghetti, said BORED Chemist. [:D] [:D] [:D]




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Offline SeanB

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #135 on: 01/07/2010 18:58:36 »
Omid, have a google for Weimar republic and Hyperinflation, you will become enlightened. As well afraid, horrified and thankful, all at the same time.


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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #136 on: 03/07/2010 13:01:56 »
Omid, have a google for Weimar republic and Hyperinflation, you will become enlightened. As well afraid, horrified and thankful, all at the same time.

OK! omid would [:)]

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #137 on: 03/07/2010 13:10:07 »
BORED Chemist, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over BORED Chemist's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies RD and SeanB at the club are aghast. At the very first chance, RD & SeanB corner him and ask, 'BORED Chemist, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' BORED Chemist replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' RD & SeanB are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', BORED Chemsit replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?' BORED Chemist smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.' [:D] [:D] [:D]




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Offline SeanB

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #138 on: 03/07/2010 20:08:08 »
Top post now in forum is appropriately about gold............

And diggers

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #139 on: 04/07/2010 13:13:31 »
BenV was invited to BORED Chemist’s house for dinner. He found that BORED Chemist called his wife every cute name in the book: honey, darling, sweetheart, pumpkin, and baby.
When she was in the kitchen, BenV leaned over to BORED Chemist and said, “I think it’s nice you still call your wife all those pet names.” “To tell you the truth,” BORED Chemist said, “I forgot her name abut three years ago.” [:D] [:D] [:D]




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Offline SeanB

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #140 on: 04/07/2010 14:26:35 »
I have the same problem with names. Was embarrassing calling out **not** her name at the most inappropriate moment.

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #141 on: 05/07/2010 16:17:11 »
Two classmates were chatting in their lunch break...
"I know how to get money real quick" says one,” how?"
"go to your dad and say, "I know the truth" and he'll give you money"
So the young boy went home and said "dad, I know the truth" and
his dad gave him ten dollars and told him not to tell anyone 'the truth'.
He then went to his mother, " Mom, I know the truth” he said.
"Please don't tell your dad" she said and gave him twenty dollars.
Content with thirty dollars he went outside to go to the arcade and saw the milkman. "I know the truth,” he shouted out.
The milkman replied "Well come and hug your real father then" [:D] [:D] [:D]



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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #142 on: 06/07/2010 10:09:49 »
Seven-year-old John chapman had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school.
Two days later his teacher BenV phone his Father SeanB to tell him that John chapman was misbehaving.
"Wait a minute," said SeanB. "I had John chapman here for two months and I never called you once when he misbehaved." [:D] [:D] [:D]




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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #143 on: 07/07/2010 17:47:49 »
A RD bought an expensive piece of jewelry as a present for his girlfriend. “Don’t you want her name engraved on it?” asked SeanB.
RD thought for a moment, and then, ever the realistic, steadfastly replied, “No, just engrave it: To My One and Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again.” [:D] [:D] [:D]



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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #144 on: 09/07/2010 11:56:57 »
Once upon a time Neilpe was a rich man who was approached by a poor beggar named John Chapman asking for food.
Neilep asked, "Do you smoke? I could give you some cigarettes."
John Chapman responded, "No, I don't. I am just hungry and want food."
Then Neilep asked, "Do you drink? I have a bottle of good whiskey I could give you."
John Chapman replied, "No, I don't drink. I am just hungry and need food."
Finally Neilep asked, "Do you gamble? I could give you some good tips on the races this weekend."
John Chapman again replied, "No. I am just hungry and want some food."
Finally Neilep said, "Well, in that case, I had better take you to my home."
He invited John Chapman into his car and drove him to his very substantial home. There, he introduced John Chapman to his wife, who asked, "What are you going to do with this man? Are you going to invite him to live with us, eat our food, and wear our clothes?"
Neilep replied, "No, of course not. I just wanted to show you what happens to a man who doesn't smoke, drink or gamble." [:D] [:D] [:D]



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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #145 on: 10/07/2010 12:29:57 »
Selling at an auction was halted when the BenV the auctioneer announced, “Geezer in the room has lost his wallet containing $2,000. He is offering a reward of $500.00 for its immediate return.” After a moment of silence, there was a call from BORED Chemist in the room, “$550.00” [:D] [:D] [:D]


 

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #146 on: 11/07/2010 14:15:53 »
At a fancy reception Peppercorn was asked by a widow to guess her age. "You must have some idea," she urged as Peppercorn hesitated. "I have several ideas," he admitted with a smile, "the trouble is that I don't know whether to make it ten years younger because of your looks or ten years older because of your intelligence." [:D] [:D] [:D]



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Offline peppercorn

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #147 on: 11/07/2010 14:44:27 »
At a fancy reception Peppercorn was asked by a widow to guess her age. "You must have some idea," she urged as Peppercorn hesitated. "I have several ideas," he admitted with a smile, "the trouble is that I don't know whether to make it ten years younger because of your looks or ten years older because of your intelligence." [:D] [:D] [:D]

What a smooth operator this Peppercorn guy sounds! He's obviously no relation of mine [;)] .... [:D]

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #148 on: 12/07/2010 11:56:21 »
SeanB went to visit RD and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. SeanB watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

"Nah, he's not so smart," RD replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five." [:D]


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Offline peppercorn

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #149 on: 12/07/2010 12:08:46 »
One day Omid drove by a farm and saw a three-legged pig. Omid went up to the farmer and said, "Excuse me sir, but why does that pig only have 3 legs?"

"Well," said the farmer, "that there pig is very special. One time my wife was cooking something she stepped out of the kitchen and it caught on fire. No one in the house knew about it but the pig and he saved me, my wife, and my 2 kids."

"That's amazing sir but why does that pig only have three legs?" said Omid.

"Then there was that time the pig saw a big storm coming and we didn't. The pig ran into the house and dragged us out to the storm cellar. If it weren't for that pig we would all be dead."

"But still, that doesn't explain why the pig only has 3 legs.", Omid exclaimed. "And I remember the time my youngest son was stuck up in a tree but I was too far away to hear him scream. The pig came running towards me and led me to where he was."

"Well, that is miracle, but how come that pig only has 3 legs?" Omid said, quite annoyed at this point.


"Well," said the farmer, "with a pig that special... you don't eat it all at once!!."   [:D] [:D] [:D]