Joke of the day

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #150 on: 12/07/2010 12:35:15 »
Hang on,,,,,,,,let omid edit it and post the correct version of the joke [;)]


Quote
One day Omid drove by a farm and saw a three-legged pig. Omid went up to the Peppercorn and said, "Excuse me sir, but why does that pig only have 3 legs?"

"Well," said Peppercorn, "that there pig is very special. One time my wife was cooking something she stepped out of the kitchen and it caught on fire. No one in the house knew about it but the pig and he saved me, my wife, and my 2 kids."

"That's amazing sir but why does that pig only have three legs?" said Omid.

"Then there was that time the pig saw a big storm coming and we didn't. The pig ran into the house and dragged us out to the storm cellar. If it weren't for that pig we would all be dead."

"But still, that doesn't explain why the pig only has 3 legs.", Omid exclaimed. "And I remember the time my youngest son was stuck up in a tree but I was too far away to hear him scream. The pig came running towards me and led me to where he was."

"Well, that is miracle, but how come that pig only has 3 legs?" Omid said, quite annoyed at this point.


"Well," said Peppercorn, "with a pig that special... you don't eat it all at once!!."     


ummmmmmm........this makes more sense now [;D]

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Offline peppercorn

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #151 on: 12/07/2010 12:47:01 »
Yeah, ... er, that's goin' to have be:

"No one in the house knew about the fire but the pig - who saved me, my girlfriend and somebody else's 2 kids.", said Peppercorn

[;D]
« Last Edit: 14/07/2010 08:46:31 by peppercorn »

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Offline peppercorn

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #152 on: 12/07/2010 21:39:13 »
A fair point !!!!       [;D]


.....


Here's one for all those with pretensions of a future career in medicine!

[attachment=12426]

 [:D] [:D] [:D]
« Last Edit: 12/07/2010 21:41:42 by peppercorn »

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #153 on: 13/07/2010 18:08:08 »
Peppercorn walks into the bar, goes up to the bartender and says, "I want a cup of coffee.” The bartender says, "We don’t serve coffee here"
So Peppercorn leaves, but when he leaves he sees Neilep and BORED chemist  entering the bar so he joins them. They ask for a beer and sandwich but Peppercorn says "I wanna cup of coffee"
The bartender says, "We don’t serve coffee here"
So Peppercorn leaves again, but he sees BenV and RD so he joins them in the bar. They order a beer and a sandwich but Peppercorn still says, "I want a cup of coffee"
"Look,” says the bartender "we don’t serve coffee here. Now leave or I will nail your ears to the bar!"
So Peppercorn leaves, but he yet again sees two of his friends Geezer and SeanB and enters the bar.
But this time Peppercorn says, "Do you have a hammer?"
"No" replies the bartender
Do you have any nails?"
"No"
"Then I want a cup of coffee" [:D] [:D] [:D]




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Offline SeanB

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #154 on: 13/07/2010 18:18:19 »
Ba Da Boom!

Thank you, I will be here all week!

That is what She said......

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Offline peppercorn

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #155 on: 14/07/2010 08:42:23 »
Ba Da Boom!

Thank you, I will be here all week!

In that case I'll be somewhere else!!  [:D] [:D] [:D]   .....    [;)]

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #156 on: 14/07/2010 12:15:01 »
BenV was concerned that his interns weren’t giving him enough respect, so he tried and old fashioned method of persuasion: He brought in a sign that said “I’m the Boss” and taped it to his door. After lunch, BenV noticed someone had taped another note under his. “Your wife called. She wants her sign back!” [:D] [:D] [:D]


« Last Edit: 14/07/2010 12:26:47 by omid »

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #157 on: 15/07/2010 11:32:52 »
SeanB was startled to see the nonchalant way Peppercorn was taking the fact that his girlfriend was seen with another man. “You said you loved her and yet you saw her with another man and you didn’t knock the guy down?”
“I’m waiting.”
“Waiting for what?” asked SeanB
“Waiting to catch her with a smaller feller.” replied Peppercorn [:D] [:D] [:D]





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Offline peppercorn

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #158 on: 15/07/2010 19:42:14 »
SeanB was startled to see the nonchalant way Peppercorn was taking the fact that his girlfriend was seen with another man. “You said you loved her and yet you saw her with another man and you didn’t knock the guy down?”
“I’m waiting.”
“Waiting for what?” asked SeanB
“Waiting to catch her with a smaller feller.” replied Peppercorn

Yeah and when that day comes I'm really going to beat the cr*p out of that midget! [:D] [:D] [:D]

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #159 on: 16/07/2010 10:02:41 »
Geezer, RD, and BORED Chemist were standing around the university flagpole when an Peppercorn wandered by. “What are you doing?” he asked. “We need to know the height of the flagpole,” said one, “and we’re discussing the formulas we might use to calculate it.” “Watch!” said Peppercorn. He pulled the pole from its fitting, laid it on the grass, borrowed a tape measure and said, “Exactly 24 feet.” Then he replaced the pole and walked away. “Peppercorn!” sneer BORED Chemist, “We ask him for the height, and he gives us the length.” [:D]



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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #160 on: 17/07/2010 12:21:24 »
Peppercorn runs in and tells his mother you’d better come out. I’ve just knocked over the ladder at the side of the house. His mother says, go and tell your father, I’m busy.
Peppercorn says, Mom he already knows, he’s hanging from the roof. [:D] [:D] [:D]



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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #161 on: 18/07/2010 11:15:34 »
“Please keep your dog beside you, sir,” BORED Chemist said crossly to John Chapman sitting opposite to him on the bench at the park. “I can feel a flea in my shoe.” “Midnight, come here,” replied John Chapman. “BORED Chemist has fleas.” [:D] [:D] [:D]



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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #162 on: 19/07/2010 13:01:43 »
Peppercorn and John Chapman are talking and Peppercorn says to John Chapman;
“I am so tired of people not understanding what I'm talking about.
John Chapman asks; “What do you mean?” [:D] [:D] [:D]





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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #163 on: 20/07/2010 13:49:51 »
BORED Chemist was lost and his wife went to police station to file a report for her missing husband.

BC's wife: I lost my husband
officer: whats his height?
BC's wife: I never noticed

officer: slim or healthy
BC's wife: not slim can be healthy

officer: color of eyes
BC's wife: never noticed

officer: color of hair
BC's wife: should be black

officer: what was he wearing?
BC's wife: I don't remmember exactly

officer: was somebody with him?
BC's wife: Yes, my dog (Romeo)tied with a golden chain, height 30inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, wearing a gulden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non-veg food, we eat together and we jog together. (started crying)

officer: well, lets search for the dog first!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [:D] [:D] [:D]

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Offline SeanB

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #164 on: 20/07/2010 19:09:36 »
Rd is walking along at the mall and meets Bored Chemist. They start chatting and Bored Chemist asks about Rd's wife, as she is not there with them.

RD exclaims, " What a relief, I thought I had gone deaf!".


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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #165 on: 21/07/2010 17:22:09 »
A RD tells Peppercorn that his company is looking for new accountant,
Peppercorn asks, “Didn’t your company hire BORED Chemist as new accountant a few weeks ago?”
RD replies, “That’s the accountant we’re looking for.” [:D] [:D] [:D]




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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #166 on: 22/07/2010 13:36:54 »
John Chapman goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 50 years. The wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the course on you.” John Chapman says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.” [:D] [:D] [:D]



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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #167 on: 23/07/2010 15:17:36 »
one day Geezer was too drunk and stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says, "No way buddy you're too drunk."
A few minutes later the Geezer comes in through the bathrooms, again he slurs, "give me a drink", bartender says "No man I told you last time you're too drunk"
Five minutes later Geezer comes in through the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says, "You're too drunk"
Geezer scratches his head and says "Damn I must be... the last two places said the same thing." [:D] [:D] [:D]


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Offline neilep

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #168 on: 23/07/2010 16:05:20 »
Geezer comes home very drunk and can not get the key in the door. He calls his wife and says" Please let me in"
..and she says "NO"......

ha ha ha  [;D] [;D] [;D] [;D] [;D]









lol [:)]
Men are the same as women, just inside out !

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Offline Geezer

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #169 on: 23/07/2010 19:19:22 »
Geezer comes home very drunk and can not get the key in the door. He calls his wife and says" Please let me in"
..and she says "NO"......

ha ha ha  [;D] [;D] [;D] [;D] [;D]










lol [:)]

Sheeps are not known for their sense of humour. Hardly surprising when you consider most of them come from Wales.
There ain'ta no sanity clause, and there ain'ta no centrifugal force æther.

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Offline SeanB

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #170 on: 23/07/2010 19:51:41 »
2 drunks are discussing how to go home without waking the wife.

First tiptoes in, and she belts him one with a broom......

Second goes home, slams the door, sings loudly, stomps upstairs and turns on the bedroom lights. He shouts to the wife " I love you, how about a good time!"  Dead silence from the bed - she went to her mothers that day.

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #171 on: 24/07/2010 13:02:41 »
SeanB entered a busy florist shop that displayed a large sign that read “Say It with Flowers.”
“Wrap up one rose” he told the florist.
“Only one?” the florist asked.
“Just one,” the SeanB replied
“I’m a man of few words.” [:D]



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Offline Make it Lady

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #172 on: 24/07/2010 20:25:12 »
Not only was there a murder in my village this week but someone had been secretly putting top soil on my Allotment.....The plot thickens!
Give a man a fire and he is warm for a day, set a man on fire and he is warm for the rest of his life.

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Offline Make it Lady

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #173 on: 24/07/2010 21:03:00 »
My favorite hobby is farting in lifts (elevators) which is wrong on so many levels.
Give a man a fire and he is warm for a day, set a man on fire and he is warm for the rest of his life.

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Offline SeanB

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #174 on: 25/07/2010 16:41:50 »
Depends if you are going up or down. If you go up it is the smell that lingers, and if you are going down then you are sinking to new depths.


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Offline demografx

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #175 on: 26/07/2010 05:58:12 »

My favorite hobby is farting in lifts (elevators) which is wrong on so many levels.



                

             Make it Lady, Maybe you just took the wrong elevator?




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Offline Geezer

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #176 on: 26/07/2010 09:05:23 »
Depends if you are going up or down. If you go up it is the smell that lingers, and if you are going down then you are sinking to new depths.


Silly! It's the smelody that lingers on.
There ain'ta no sanity clause, and there ain'ta no centrifugal force æther.

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Offline Variola

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #177 on: 26/07/2010 15:03:37 »
Depends if you are going up or down. If you go up it is the smell that lingers, and if you are going down then you are sinking to new depths.




Silly! It's the smelody that lingers on.

Of you are going down then kinda lingers is always a plus... :-)
« Last Edit: 26/07/2010 18:40:46 by Variola »
  A potty-mouthed, impertinent female who thinks she is God's gift to men" -JimBob

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Offline Make it Lady

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #178 on: 26/07/2010 16:42:15 »
How did I know you would all comment on the fart joke!
Give a man a fire and he is warm for a day, set a man on fire and he is warm for the rest of his life.

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Offline demografx

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #179 on: 26/07/2010 18:36:15 »

Stinking thinking!

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #180 on: 27/07/2010 08:49:44 »
JimBob cornered the concert violinist Demografx in his dressing room and insisted he listen to a tape of his talented son playing the violin. Demografx agreed to listen, and JimBob switched on the tape player. “What music’” the Demografx thought. A difficult piece, but played with such genius that it brought tears to his eyes. He listened spellbound to the entire recording. “Sir,” he whispered is that your son?” “No, JimBob replied. “That’s Jascha Heifetz. But my son sounds just like him.” [:D] [:D] [:D]




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Offline demografx

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #181 on: 28/07/2010 06:25:03 »

Of course. Look at the similarities: JB and JH !

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Offline athore

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #182 on: 29/07/2010 13:19:03 »
A little guy is sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, threateningly leering biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, watcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as the little guy bursts into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, " I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy.
"I`m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting, and my Boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car stolen and I don't have any insurance,
I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me.
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.
"I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in, and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then a wise-*** like you shows up and drinks the whole thing!"
Spam removed

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #183 on: 29/07/2010 15:08:06 »
JimBob had just started taking new ridding lessons and at the stables was trying to saddle a horse. “Excuse me,” said Demografx, “but you are putting that saddle on backwards.” “How do you know,” snapped JimBob. “You do not know which way I’m going.” [:D] [:D] [:D]



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Offline demografx

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #184 on: 30/07/2010 00:35:09 »

JimBob is preparing to bring up the rear in the military.

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #185 on: 30/07/2010 10:27:32 »
Little Demografx was being selfish to his brother SeanB. His Dad JimBob sat him down and gave him a big lecture about being selfish. When JimBob was done, little Demografx said; "Daddy, I don't even have a shell fish! [:D] [:D] [:D]




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Offline Make it Lady

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #186 on: 30/07/2010 14:40:21 »
A man is standing at his wifes bedside in hospital when the Doctor calls him over.
"I'm afraid its the big C" said the Doctor "It fell of the sign at Comet and hit her on the head."
Give a man a fire and he is warm for a day, set a man on fire and he is warm for the rest of his life.

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Offline neilep

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #187 on: 30/07/2010 16:41:23 »
A Brain pops into the pub and orders a pint of beer.
The barmen says "I'm so sorry sir but I can't serve you"
"Why ?" asks the  brain
"Cos you're out of your head" replies the barmen.



Of course nowadays I sheepose they are called 'barperson'
Men are the same as women, just inside out !

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Offline Make it Lady

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #188 on: 30/07/2010 17:43:03 »
No bar sheep
Give a man a fire and he is warm for a day, set a man on fire and he is warm for the rest of his life.

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Offline JimBob

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #189 on: 30/07/2010 23:51:43 »
Is that how they named that place where the huge battle between the Australian Cavalry in the last great cavalry charge into battle and the Turkish Garrison took place? Beersheba, now in Israel?

I didn't know Neil was that old.
The mind is like a parachute. It works best when open.  -- A. Einstein

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Offline demografx

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #190 on: 31/07/2010 00:02:00 »

He's not. Don't let him pull the wool over ewe-re eyes.

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #191 on: 31/07/2010 11:56:56 »
Little JimBob was standing in front of his mirror with his eyes closed.
“Why are you standing there with your eyes closed?” asked BenV.
“So I can see what I look like when I’m asleep,” replied JimBob. [:D] [:D] [:D]





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Offline neilep

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #192 on: 01/08/2010 15:07:38 »
Is that how they named that place where the huge battle between the Australian Cavalry in the last great cavalry charge into battle and the Turkish Garrison took place? Beersheba, now in Israel?

I didn't know Neil was that old.

I've been there...nice kosher sheep !!
Men are the same as women, just inside out !

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #193 on: 01/08/2010 17:00:41 »
A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into pairs for the day. That night, Demografx retuned alone, staggering under an eight-point buck. “Where is JimBob?” asked SeanB. “He fainted a couple of miles up the trail,” Demografx answered. “You left him lying there alone and carried the deer back?” “A tough call,” said Demografx. “But I figured no one is going to steal JimBob.” [:D] [:D] [:D]

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Offline Make it Lady

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #194 on: 01/08/2010 20:22:39 »
I'd pinch him.
Give a man a fire and he is warm for a day, set a man on fire and he is warm for the rest of his life.

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Offline Variola

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #195 on: 01/08/2010 20:52:46 »
What part would you pinch?  [;)]
  A potty-mouthed, impertinent female who thinks she is God's gift to men" -JimBob

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Offline demografx

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #196 on: 01/08/2010 23:27:22 »

Variola, you beat me to the pinch. It was my pinch line!

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Offline Make it Lady

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #197 on: 02/08/2010 16:41:11 »
There is plenty for all of us to pinch.
Give a man a fire and he is warm for a day, set a man on fire and he is warm for the rest of his life.

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #198 on: 02/08/2010 17:36:08 »
Demografx was showing Peppercorn the family album, and came across a picture of himself and his wife on their wedding day. “Was that the day Mommy came to work for us?” Peppercorn asked. [:D] [:D] [:D]




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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #199 on: 04/08/2010 09:31:32 »
JimBob gets into a taxi after a boozy night out and halfway through the journey wants to stop and buy cigarettes. He taps the driver Imatfaal on the shoulder and suddenly Imatfaal screams, swerves across the road and mounts the sidewalk stopping just short of a brick wall.
All was quiet for a few moments and then Imatfaal turns around and says "Don't EVER tap me on the shoulder whilst I'm driving EVER again". JimBob says, "I'm sorry, I didn't know it would scare you so much"
Imatfaal replies, "It wouldn't normally but this is my first night as a taxi driver and up until yesterday, for twenty five years, I was driving a Hearse. [:D]