Joke of the day

  • 365 Replies
  • 109472 Views

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

*

Offline omid

  • Neilep Level Member
  • ******
  • 1016
    • View Profile
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #300 on: 31/10/2010 14:04:48 »
SeanB landed a plane with a rather bumpy landing. As part of his job he was required to stand by the terminal door and say goodbye to the passengers as they exited the airplane. He was afraid that someone might say something about his rather less than perfect landing, but everyone left without saying a word except for Demografx, an elderly man, he slowly approached SeanB after most passengers had exited the plane and asked, "Did we land? Or were we shot down?" [:D] [:D] [:D]


*

Offline SeanB

  • Neilep Level Member
  • ******
  • 1118
    • View Profile
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #301 on: 31/10/2010 17:14:33 »
I travelled on airlines like that................

*

Offline Bored chemist

  • Neilep Level Member
  • ******
  • 8740
    • View Profile
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #302 on: 31/10/2010 19:37:30 »
I travelled on airlines like that................

Since it's Halloween we might hear from people who travelled on airlines that were a bit worse.
Please disregard all previous signatures.

*

Offline omid

  • Neilep Level Member
  • ******
  • 1016
    • View Profile
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #303 on: 01/11/2010 18:18:03 »
God created the donkey & said to him: “You will work unceasingly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence & you will live 50 years.
You will be a donkey. “The donkey answered: “I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is too much. Give me only 20 years. God granted his wish.
God created the dog and said to him: "You will be a dog.” You will guard the house of man. You will be his best friend. You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 25 years. You will be a dog. “The dog answered: “Master, to live 25 years is too much, you give me only 10 years. God granted his wish. God created the Monkey and said to him: “You will be a monkey.” You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks. You will be amusing and you will live 20 years. You will be a monkey. “The monkey answered: “Master to live 20 years is too much, you give me only 10 years. God granted his wish.
Finally God created the man and said to him: “You will be a man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth.” You will use your intelligence to become master over all animals. You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years. Man responded: "I will be a man but to live only 20 years is very little, give the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 15 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years the monkey refused. God granted his wish. And since then, man lives 20 years as a man, he marries and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying all the burdens on his back. Then when his children are gone, he lives 15 years like a dog, taking care of the house and eating whatever is given to him, so that when he is old, he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey, going from house to house, from one son or daughter to another, doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren. [:D] [:D] [:D]



*

Offline omid

  • Neilep Level Member
  • ******
  • 1016
    • View Profile
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #304 on: 02/11/2010 18:12:31 »
Never say anything bad about Demografx until you have walked a mile in his shoes. By then he’s a mile away, you have got his shoes, and your can say whatever you want to. [:D] [:D] [:D]



*

Offline demografx

  • Neilep Level Member
  • ******
  • 8197
    • View Profile
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #305 on: 03/11/2010 15:49:28 »


Wait, omid, I don't even walk a mile in my own shoes. Please don't tell my doctor!! (he says I need  to exercise more). [;D]

*

Offline omid

  • Neilep Level Member
  • ******
  • 1016
    • View Profile
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #306 on: 03/11/2010 22:53:14 »
Demografx had been crossing a street when JimBob's car slammed into him. Demografx sued the motorist, whose lawyer made the following statement at the end of the trial.
“Your honor, JimBob was not at fault. He has been driving a car for thirty years, and has never had an accident, nor gotten so much as a speeding ticket. I do not think I need to say any more.”
Unimpressed, the lawyer for the plaintiff rose. “Your honor, since counsel insists on bringing up the matter of experience, may I remind the court that Demografx has been walking for over seventy years…” [:D] [:D] [:D]




*

Offline demografx

  • Neilep Level Member
  • ******
  • 8197
    • View Profile
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #307 on: 04/11/2010 01:29:37 »


No, omid, only 64 years. [;D]

*

Offline JimBob

  • Global Moderator
  • Neilep Level Member
  • *****
  • 6564
  • Moderator
    • View Profile
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #308 on: 04/11/2010 18:48:03 »
Better than a Flu Shot!   

   
Miss Variola, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Variola,' he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

"Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"

The mind is like a parachute. It works best when open.  -- A. Einstein

*

Offline Don_1

  • Neilep Level Member
  • ******
  • 6890
  • A stupid comment for every occasion.
    • View Profile
    • Knight Light Haulage
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #309 on: 08/11/2010 13:16:05 »


No, omid, only 64 years. [;D]


70, 64, what's the difference, you must still have some almighty blisters by now!
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

*

Offline demografx

  • Neilep Level Member
  • ******
  • 8197
    • View Profile
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #310 on: 08/11/2010 17:51:26 »


No blisters. I walk a mile in these shoes. [:)]

*

Offline omid

  • Neilep Level Member
  • ******
  • 1016
    • View Profile
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #311 on: 08/11/2010 23:51:33 »
While BORED Chemist waited at the airport to board his plane, he noticed a computer scale that would give your weight and a fortune. He dropped a quarter in the slot, and the computer screen displayed: “You weigh 195 pounds, you are married and you’re on your way to San Diego.” BORED Chemist stood there dumbfounded.
JimBob put in a quarter and the computer read: “You weigh 184 pounds, you’re divorced, and you’re on your way to Chicago.” BORED Chemist said to JimBob.“Are you divorced and on our way to Chicago?” “Yes.” Replied JimBob.
BORED Chemist was amazed. Then he rushed to the men’s room, changed his clothes and put on dark glasses. He went to the machine again. The computer read: “You still weigh 195 pounds, you’re still married, and you just missed your plane to San Diego. [:D] [:D] [:D]




*

Offline Bored chemist

  • Neilep Level Member
  • ******
  • 8740
    • View Profile
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #312 on: 09/11/2010 20:03:21 »
The funniest thing about that  is that it's probably right- I would miss the plane trying to work out how the thing knew stuff.
Please disregard all previous signatures.

*

Offline omid

  • Neilep Level Member
  • ******
  • 1016
    • View Profile
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #313 on: 09/11/2010 23:07:06 »
BORED Chemist, Don_1 and Demografx were sitting on a park bench. Demografx was reading a newspaper; while BORED Chemist and Don_1 were pretending to fish. They baited imaginary hooks, cast lines, and reeled in their catch.
Passing SeanB stopped to watch the spectacle and asked Demografx if he knew the other two.
“Oh yes” he said. “They ‘re my friends.”
“In that case,” warned SeanB, “you’d better get them out of here!”
“Yes, sir” Demografx replied, and he began rowing furiously [:D] [:D] [:D]




*

Offline SeanB

  • Neilep Level Member
  • ******
  • 1118
    • View Profile
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #314 on: 10/11/2010 17:25:48 »
Reminds me of Paddy and Mick, who were at the boozer getting a few stouts. They saw on the telly a show about trout tickling, and decided to give it a try. They went to the canal and Paddy held Mick over the side of the bridge to try to catch some fish that way. After a few minutes Mick said to Paddy " Pads, pull me up!" Paddy asked " You caught a fish?" to which Mick replied "No, but there is a bloody train coming towards me".

Badda Bing!


*

Offline omid

  • Neilep Level Member
  • ******
  • 1016
    • View Profile
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #315 on: 11/11/2010 23:29:29 »
One day Variola buys a new Mercedes. She heads out on the freeway to try it out and cruises up to about 100 mph. As she was next to Demografx's truck, she cuts him off. Demografx yells at her to pull over, and, obviously not thinking, Variola does. Demografx draws a circle on the road with chalk and tells her to stay there. He takes a knife and scratches her car and pops the tires. Then he yells to Variola, "How do ya like that?" She answers, "While you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!" [:D] [:D] [:D]


*

Offline omid

  • Neilep Level Member
  • ******
  • 1016
    • View Profile
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #316 on: 15/11/2010 23:37:19 »
BORED Chemist DESPERATELY looking to get married asked JimBob. "Every woman I bring home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like."
"Oh, that's easy," JimBob replied. "All you have to do is find someone who's' just like your mother." "I did that already," BORED Chemist said, "and that one my father didn't like." [:D] [:D] [:D]

*

Offline demografx

  • Neilep Level Member
  • ******
  • 8197
    • View Profile
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #317 on: 17/11/2010 04:17:41 »
Bored Chemist needs a...



*

Offline SeanB

  • Neilep Level Member
  • ******
  • 1118
    • View Profile
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #318 on: 23/11/2010 17:28:36 »
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the cat out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "Why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that critter on the phone. I'm lost and need directions!!!"




*

Offline omid

  • Neilep Level Member
  • ******
  • 1016
    • View Profile
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #319 on: 25/11/2010 18:54:44 »
Demografx walked into a jewelry store on a Friday, with a young lady Variola at his side.
"I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend," he said.
JimBob looked through his stock and took out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000. "I don't think you understand-I want something very unique," Demografxsaid.
At that, JimBob went and fetched his special stock from the safe. "Here's one stunning ring at $40,000." Variola’s eyes sparkled, and Demografx said that he would take it. "How are you paying?" asked JimBob.
"I'll pay by check; but of course the bank will want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a check and you can phone the bank tomorrow, and then I'll fetch the ring on Monday."
Monday morning, very disappointed JimBob phoned Demografx. "You lied, there's no money in that account." "I know, sorry, but can you imagine what a FANTASTIC weekend I had?" [:D] [:D] [:D]



*

Offline Joe L. Ogan

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 476
    • View Profile
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #320 on: 26/11/2010 00:14:04 »
Would Demografx really do something like that????????  Thanks for comments.  Joe L. Ogan

*

Offline demografx

  • Neilep Level Member
  • ******
  • 8197
    • View Profile
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #321 on: 26/11/2010 09:17:23 »

No comment, Joe  [;D]

*

Offline peppercorn

  • Neilep Level Member
  • ******
  • 1466
    • View Profile
    • solar
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #322 on: 26/11/2010 11:24:00 »
Would Demografx really do something like that????????  Thanks for comments.  Joe L. Ogan

And (maybe more tellingly) was Variola really taken for a, er, ride (as in 'taken in', of course!)?  [;)]

*

Offline omid

  • Neilep Level Member
  • ******
  • 1016
    • View Profile
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #323 on: 26/11/2010 17:26:20 »
Joe L.ogan burst into his professor’s office and says; "Professor BORED Chemist, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me."
To which BORED Chemist,  replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award." [:D] [:D] [:D]

*

Offline Joe L. Ogan

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 476
    • View Profile
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #324 on: 26/11/2010 18:46:04 »
Hehehe.  Thanks for comments.  Joe L. Ogan

*

Offline peppercorn

  • Neilep Level Member
  • ******
  • 1466
    • View Profile
    • solar
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #325 on: 26/11/2010 19:35:55 »
"I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me."

An 'F' star, perhaps?

*

Offline Joe L. Ogan

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 476
    • View Profile
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #326 on: 26/11/2010 21:03:36 »
I never had an "F".  I do not know what an "F" star would mean.  Is that good or bad?  Thanks for comments.  Joe L. Ogan

*

Offline peppercorn

  • Neilep Level Member
  • ******
  • 1466
    • View Profile
    • solar
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #327 on: 26/11/2010 22:30:30 »
I never had an "F".  I do not know what an "F" star would mean.  Is that good or bad?  Thanks for comments.  Joe L. Ogan

Sorry Joe [:-X]     It wasn;t really aimed at you  [:P]
School students in the UK can be awarded an A star as the highest mark (an extended 'top grade' if you like) - So an extended lowest grade... erm,... [;)]

*

Offline omid

  • Neilep Level Member
  • ******
  • 1016
    • View Profile
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #328 on: 26/11/2010 23:04:34 »
Peppercorn asks his gf: Why do you weep and snuffle over a TV program and the imaginary sadness of people you have never met?
gf: For the same reason you scream and yell when a man you don’t know makes a touchdown. [:D] [:D] [:D]

*

Offline peppercorn

  • Neilep Level Member
  • ******
  • 1466
    • View Profile
    • solar
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #329 on: 27/11/2010 11:49:47 »
What is this 'touch...down' you talk of? [;D]

*

Offline SeanB

  • Neilep Level Member
  • ******
  • 1118
    • View Profile
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #330 on: 27/11/2010 15:28:28 »
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

*

Offline peppercorn

  • Neilep Level Member
  • ******
  • 1466
    • View Profile
    • solar
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #331 on: 27/11/2010 18:54:45 »
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
[???] Is this a set-up for a joke?

*

Offline omid

  • Neilep Level Member
  • ******
  • 1016
    • View Profile
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #332 on: 27/11/2010 23:53:18 »
Demografx was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it; Fifty people swindled!” Fifty people swindled! Curios, John Chapman walked over, bought a paper, and said, "Hey Demografx, this is an old paper, where’s the story about the big swindle?” Demografx ignored him and went on calling out, "read all about it; Fifty-one people swindled!” [:D] [:D] [:D]



*

Offline demografx

  • Neilep Level Member
  • ******
  • 8197
    • View Profile
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #333 on: 28/11/2010 04:40:23 »

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?


At that age, Sean, won't they be, er, walking??

*

Offline demografx

  • Neilep Level Member
  • ******
  • 8197
    • View Profile
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #334 on: 28/11/2010 04:46:18 »

Demografx was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it; Fifty people swindled!” Fifty people swindled! Curios, John Chapman walked over, bought a paper, and said, "Hey Demografx, this is an old paper, where’s the story about the big swindle?” Demografx ignored him and went on calling out, "read all about it; Fifty-one people swindled!” [:D] [:D] [:D]





The story was in Spanish papers, too!

*

Offline omid

  • Neilep Level Member
  • ******
  • 1016
    • View Profile
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #335 on: 29/11/2010 12:50:27 »
Demografx walks into a post office one day to see JohnChapman standing at the  counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
Demografx curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to JohnChapman and asks him what he is doing. JohnChapman says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks Demografx.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," JohnChapman replies. [:D] [:D] [:D]


*

Offline omid

  • Neilep Level Member
  • ******
  • 1016
    • View Profile
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #336 on: 02/12/2010 18:09:32 »
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy.” [:D] [:D] [:D]



*

Offline omid

  • Neilep Level Member
  • ******
  • 1016
    • View Profile
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #337 on: 19/12/2010 17:20:32 »
BORED Chemist and his wife is sitting in their living room when his wife leans over and says to BORED Chemist, "Remember when we were younger and you used to hold my hand?" BORED Chemist grabs her hand. Then she says, "Remember when we were younger and you used to put your arm around me?" BORED Chemist puts his arm around her. Then she says, "Remember when we were younger and you used to nibble on my ear?" To her surprise, BORED Chemist gets up off the couch and starts to walk away. "Honey, where are you going?" she says. BORED Chemist replies, "I'm going to get my dentures." [:D] [:D] [:D]


*

Offline demografx

  • Neilep Level Member
  • ******
  • 8197
    • View Profile
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #338 on: 20/12/2010 02:00:07 »

*

Offline omid

  • Neilep Level Member
  • ******
  • 1016
    • View Profile
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #339 on: 21/12/2010 17:54:02 »
After removing a tiny fish from his hook and throwing it back into the water, Demografx said: “Don’t show up around here anymore without your parents!” [:D] [:D] [:D]



*

Offline omid

  • Neilep Level Member
  • ******
  • 1016
    • View Profile
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #340 on: 22/12/2010 17:01:59 »
Every Saturday morning JimBob found himself babysitting his three grandchildren...all boys. The kids always wanted to play ''war,'' and JimBob somehow always got coaxed into the game.
His daughter Variola came to pick up the kids early one Saturday and witnessed JimBob take a fake shot as Jason pointed a toy gun and yelled, "Bang!''
JimBob slumped to the floor and stayed there motionless. Variola rushed over to see if he was all right. JimBob opened one eye and whispered, ''Sh-h-h, I always do this. It's the only chance I get to rest.'' [:D] [:D] [:D]



*

Offline yor_on

  • Naked Science Forum GOD!
  • *******
  • 12188
  • (Ah, yes:) *a table is always good to hide under*
    • View Profile
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #341 on: 24/12/2010 00:19:26 »
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

colorful.
In a faded way.

a scary thought.
"BOMB DISPOSAL EXPERT. If you see me running, try to keep up."

*

Offline Chemistry4me

  • Neilep Level Member
  • ******
  • 7709
    • View Profile
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #342 on: 24/12/2010 00:33:27 »
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
We already do!

*

Offline Variola

  • Neilep Level Member
  • ******
  • 1063
  • Everyone should beware of The Pox...
    • View Profile
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #343 on: 24/12/2010 00:41:56 »
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
We already do!
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
We already do!

No they are just the markings the farmer sprays on the sheep C4M....  [;D]

(Blatant NZ-ist joke there!)
  A potty-mouthed, impertinent female who thinks she is God's gift to men" -JimBob

*

Offline Chemistry4me

  • Neilep Level Member
  • ******
  • 7709
    • View Profile
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #344 on: 24/12/2010 00:45:18 »
Oooooohhhh


*

Offline Variola

  • Neilep Level Member
  • ******
  • 1063
  • Everyone should beware of The Pox...
    • View Profile
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #345 on: 24/12/2010 00:49:27 »
Awwww don't go!!!

  A potty-mouthed, impertinent female who thinks she is God's gift to men" -JimBob

*

Offline omid

  • Neilep Level Member
  • ******
  • 1016
    • View Profile
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #346 on: 28/12/2010 19:45:46 »
JimBob lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Demografx, who used to help him, was in prison. JimBob wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Demografx:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later, he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad:
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Demografx

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to JimBob and left.
That same day, JimBob received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad:
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Demografx

*

Offline SeanB

  • Neilep Level Member
  • ******
  • 1118
    • View Profile
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #347 on: 28/12/2010 20:08:00 »
Very good one that..........

I found this one inside a Christmas cracker, so corny it is.......


What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas?










Sandy Claws!


*

Offline yor_on

  • Naked Science Forum GOD!
  • *******
  • 12188
  • (Ah, yes:) *a table is always good to hide under*
    • View Profile
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #348 on: 28/12/2010 23:33:15 »
:)
"BOMB DISPOSAL EXPERT. If you see me running, try to keep up."

*

Offline demografx

  • Neilep Level Member
  • ******
  • 8197
    • View Profile
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #349 on: 29/12/2010 02:57:42 »



Demografx, who used to help him, was in prison.