Joke of the day

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #50 on: 24/03/2010 07:06:57 »
A man wanted to prove to a group of alcoholics the effect of alcohol in human body system. He brought two jars; one containing water and the other containing alcohol, along with a very healthy worm. He said to the audience:

"This jar contain water"
He dropped the worm in the jar and said, "Please watch the reaction". The worm swam to the side of the jar and up it floats dangling and swimming.

The man took the worm out of the first jar and put it in the second jar containing alcohol and said to the audience " now watch the reaction" The worm went right down into the water and struggled for survival. There and then every body saw the worm shrinking and dis-integrating, and in one word, died.

The man turned round an asked the audience " what would you all say to this".

After a long silence, someone from the rear stood up and said
" I can see that if I drink alcohol, there will be no more worn in my body". [:D] [:D] [:D]   
 
 
 
 

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #51 on: 29/03/2010 10:22:39 »
Two guys were fishing down by the Ohio River on different sides of the riverbank at night. Guy number one was catching a whole bunch of fish for his family, but guy number two hadn't caught any and was frustrated and called out to guy number one "How come you've been catching all them there fish and I ain't caught a single one?"
Guy number one replied, " I don’t know.... why don’t ya come on over here?"
"I don’t know.... I don’t see a bridge, and their aint no boat, and I don’t swim to well"
Guy number one picks up his flashlight, turns it on, and replies, " Why don’t you walk across this here beam off light?"
Guy number two was outraged and replied "do you think am stupid? When I get half way you'll turn it off!!!"  [:D] [:D] [:D]


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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #52 on: 30/03/2010 18:24:18 »
Santa was sitting in a plane from London to Birmingham
as soon as he could see Birmingham from his seat window he starts shouting

*Birmingham, Birmingham*

an airhostess came and said " sssshhhhhhh B silent"

and Santa start shouting *irmingham irmingham* [:D] [:D] [:D]

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #53 on: 31/03/2010 17:50:04 »
Teacher asked a student

Teacher: "I am beautiful", which tense is this?
Student: Past tense

Teacher: how come?
Student: because you're old now [:D] [:D] [:D]

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #54 on: 01/04/2010 18:06:56 »
Harry had a bit of a drinking problem.
Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole, spent the entire evening there and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and his returned drunken state. But Harry continued his nightly routine. One day, the wife, distraught by it all, talked to a friend about her husband's behavior.The friend listened to her and then asked, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways." The wife thought it was worth trying. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. Around midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard Harry at the door and let him in. This time, instead of berating him as she had always done, she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a while, she said to him, "It's pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you?" At that, Harry replied in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble if I go home anyway!" [:D] [:D] [:D]

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #55 on: 02/04/2010 19:02:06 »
An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man.
When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!" [:D]

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #56 on: 03/04/2010 10:23:44 »
A passerby noticed a couple of city workers working along the city sidewalks. The man was quite impressed with their hard work, but he couldn't understand what they were doing.
Finally, he approached the workers and asked, "I appreciate how hard you're both working, but what the heck are you doing? It seems that one of you digs a hole, and then the other guy immediately fills it back up again.
One of the city workers explained, "The third guy who plants the trees is off sick today." [:D] [:D] [:D]

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #57 on: 05/04/2010 11:17:16 »
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box." [:D]

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #58 on: 06/04/2010 08:51:46 »
There was a student who was desirous of taking admission for a study course.

He was smart enough to get through the written test, a GD and was to appear for the personal interview. Later, as the interview progressed, the interviewer found this boy to be bright since he could answer all the questions correctly. The interviewer got impatient and decided to corner the boy.

"Tell me your choice;" said he to the boy, "What's your choice: I shall either ask you ten easy questions or ONE real difficult. Think well before you make up your mind."

The boy thought for a while and said, "My choice is ONE real difficult question."

"Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!" said the man on the opposite side. Tell me: What comes first, Day or Night?"

The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said: "It's the DAY, sir."

"How???????" the interviewer was smiling ("At last, I got you!" he said to himself.)

"Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!"

Admission for the course was thus secured. [:)]

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #59 on: 07/04/2010 14:40:11 »
One day a genie appeared to a California man and offered to grant him one wish.
the man said:” I wish you'd build a bridge from here to Hawaii so I could drive there anytime"
The genie frowned" I don't know. It sounds like quite an undertaking,” he said. "Just think of the logistics. The supports required reaching the bottom of the ocean, the concrete, and the steel! Why don't you pick something else?"
The man thought for a while and then said, "Okay, I wish for a complete understanding of women- what they are thinking, why they cry. I wish I knew how to make a woman truly happy".
The genie was silent for a minute, then said "So how many lanes did you want on that bridge?" [;)] [;)] [;)]

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #60 on: 10/04/2010 11:22:44 »
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,” Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour
ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of you, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!" [:D]

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #61 on: 13/04/2010 17:34:27 »
A family was having dinner and the little boy said,"Dad I don't like the
holes in the cheese!" Well son, eat the cheese and leave the holes on the
side of the plate. [:D]

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Offline Karen W.

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #62 on: 13/04/2010 22:26:24 »
l
One day a genie appeared to a California man and offered to grant him one wish.
the man said:” I wish you'd build a bridge from here to Hawaii so I could drive there anytime"
The genie frowned" I don't know. It sounds like quite an undertaking,” he said. "Just think of the logistics. The supports required reaching the bottom of the ocean, the concrete, and the steel! Why don't you pick something else?"
The man thought for a while and then said, "Okay, I wish for a complete understanding of women- what they are thinking, why they cry. I wish I knew how to make a woman truly happy".
The genie was silent for a minute, then said "So how many lanes did you want on that bridge?" [;)] [;)] [;)]


I liked thst one omid...

"Life is not measured by the number of Breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

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Offline Karen W.

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #63 on: 13/04/2010 22:29:32 »
L
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box." [:D]

OL...LOL...Very good joke.....This one also is quite good!

"Life is not measured by the number of Breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

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Offline Karen W.

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #64 on: 13/04/2010 22:42:56 »
An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man.
When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!" [:D]
Lol...lol...lol...hrr hrr hrr..      I liked that!

"Life is not measured by the number of Breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #65 on: 15/04/2010 11:40:54 »
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy
father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered: "Thou shall not kill." [:D]

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #66 on: 21/04/2010 06:41:52 »
Guy: Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
Girl: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore. [:D]

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #67 on: 22/04/2010 17:37:46 »
After the examination the physician handed the patient a prescription and said, “Take this medicine after each meal.” “But, Doc,” confessed the patient, “I have not eaten in four days.” “Fine,” said the doctor. “The medicine will last longer.” [:D]

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #68 on: 25/04/2010 18:07:10 »
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.. 'The
material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your
stomach lining.. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can
be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the
germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the
most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone
here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering
for years after eating it?' After several seconds of quiet, a
75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
'Wedding Cake.' [:D] [:D] [:D]

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Offline Ethos

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #69 on: 26/04/2010 20:12:50 »
Ha,ha,ha,ha,...............very good omid. I can relate to that!!!!!!!!

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #70 on: 29/04/2010 17:50:27 »
Tom see, Doctor, “I’m always dizzy for half an hour after I get up in the morning,”.
“Well, try getting up half an hour later,” said the doctor. [:D] [:D] [:D]

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #71 on: 01/05/2010 09:13:02 »
After 20-years of marriage the wife starts complaining to her husband that he does not love her anymore and she begs him to seek advice from her friend the local parish priest. Obliging he went, afterwards he arrives home, lifts her off her feet and carries her from one room to the other, surprised she exclaims oh! How much you love me? What did the priest tell you? Well he told me to carry my cross and that is you!! [:D]

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #72 on: 02/05/2010 11:28:33 »
The teacher wrote on the blackboard, “I ain’t had no fun all summer.”
“Now Paul,” she said. “What shall I do to correct this?”
“Get a boy friend.” Paul replied. [;)]

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Offline SeanB

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #73 on: 02/05/2010 18:15:10 »
Can you drop an egg onto a concrete floor and not break it?




















Concrete is hard to break, especially with an egg.


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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #74 on: 04/05/2010 10:28:40 »
It was a disastrous year for the farmers. The snow fell and fell until the government relief agency had to step in and lend a hand. “It must have been terrible,” said the government man to a farmer. “All that snow.” “Could have been worse,” calmly answered the farmer. “My neighbor had more snow than me.” “How’s that?” asked the government man.
“More land,” replied the farmer.

 [:D]

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #75 on: 05/05/2010 17:51:03 »
The frontier preacher was giving the traditional sermon on sin. "We should take all the whiskey and dump it in the river!" Back in the back of the church, a little old lady with a bonnet on stood up and shouted, "Amen, Amen!" and sat back down. The preacher smiled and continued, "And we should take all the sinful lust and dump it in the river!" The little old lady jumped up and shouted, "Amen, Amen, Amen!” then sat back down. The preacher excitedly hollered, "And we should take all of the snuff in this world and dump it in the river!" And the little old lady stood up and said, "Now you've stopped preaching and started meddling’!" [:D] [:D] [:D]

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #76 on: 06/05/2010 08:16:38 »
Two kids were deciding what game to play. One said, “Let’s play doctor.”
“Good idea,” said the other. “You operate, and I’ll sue.” [:-X] [:D]


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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #77 on: 07/05/2010 08:22:03 »
An orthopedic surgeon was moving to a new office, with the help of his staff. One of the nurses sat the display skeleton in the front of her car, a bony arm across the back of the seat.
On the drive across town, she stopped at a traffic light, and the stares of the people in the neighboring car compelled her to roll down her window and yell, I’m delivering him to my doctor’s office.” The other driver leaned out of is window. “I hate to tell you, lady,” he said, “but I think it’s too late!” [:D] [:D] [:D]

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #78 on: 08/05/2010 13:27:37 »
A manager was soliciting resumes through a recruitment agency to fill in a senior staff member who had just resigned. The next day the recruitment agent came in to meet the manager and beaming he handed over a resume and said, "M'am, we have got just the right person you are looking for. The manager after skimming through the resume was visibly upset. Puzzled, the recruitment agent enquired what the matter was. The manager replied, "This candidate on the resume is the best we've got in our department". [:D]

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #79 on: 09/05/2010 14:11:19 »
Hey guys

omid've posted many verbal jokes so today omid thought to post a funny entertaining piccy for you all. [:D] [:D] [:D]




[attachment=11924]
« Last Edit: 09/05/2010 14:13:06 by omid »

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Offline Make it Lady

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #80 on: 09/05/2010 20:32:05 »
That's not funny! I guess that's how you get duck down.
Give a man a fire and he is warm for a day, set a man on fire and he is warm for the rest of his life.

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #81 on: 13/05/2010 15:56:25 »
That's not funny! I guess that's how you get duck down.

REALLY!!!

omid sorry if you didn't find it funny, [V]

but was extremely funny for omid and friends [::)]

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #82 on: 13/05/2010 15:56:42 »
A Saudi Prince went to Germany to study.
A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying:"Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,but I'm a bit ashamed to arrive to school with my gold Mercedes when all my teachers travel by train."
Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a ten million dollar check saying:"Stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too”! [:D]

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Offline Make it Lady

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #83 on: 14/05/2010 17:42:24 »
A student wished to make some potassium hydroxide solution (aqueous) and decided to throw a large lump of potassium into a bucket of water.

His professor observed what he was about to do out of the corner of his eye and hurried towards him. After confirming this was what he was intending to do, he asked him first to stir the water in the bucket for five minutes before adding the potassium.

The student was puzzled and ran after him to ask the purpose of this action.

'It will give me time to get away' said the professor.

Give a man a fire and he is warm for a day, set a man on fire and he is warm for the rest of his life.

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Offline demografx

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #84 on: 14/05/2010 23:14:50 »

Thieves broke into New Scotland Yard last night and stole all the toilet bowls.

A police spokesman said that they have nothing to go on.

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #85 on: 15/05/2010 12:04:56 »
Mary comes home rather late. “Oh, sweetheart,” she called, “your car’s on Maple Street.”
“Why didn’t you bring it home?” her husband asked. “Couldn’t, she said. “It’s too dark out there to find all the parts.” [:D]

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #86 on: 16/05/2010 11:57:42 »
These bear hunters were sitting around the cabin the night before the hunt bragging about their passt hunts.
The cabin boy was listening and went over and said "you guys make it seem pretty hard on capturing a bear".
They all laughed and said "it is hard; do you think you could bag one"?
"I can go out and bag you 2 if you will skin them, and I will bet each of you $100.00.
They agreed and off he went out into the night.
Soon he spotted a big grizzly; he waved his arm and started hollering the big bear started after him and he started running for the shack. When he got close to the shack he started yelling. "Open the door he yelled".
They looked out and saw the bear chasing the boy. Just as he got to the door they opened it and he stepped aside and the bear went in. He slammed the door and locked it and shouted. "OK skin him I'll go and get the other one". [:D] [:D] [:D]


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Offline SeanB

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #87 on: 16/05/2010 19:14:34 »
Talk about a bear faced suprise.........

Talking about bare, you hear about the nudist colony that got robbed, they were left with the skin they were wearing, the thieves took everything.

Just what do nudists do with car keys anyway?

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #88 on: 17/05/2010 11:10:14 »
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?" [:D] [:D] [:D]

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #89 on: 18/05/2010 10:28:13 »
A couple was at the mall and his wife decided to buy something for their daughter-in-law at an exclusive lingerie shop. Inside, the husband was feeling very out of place when a beautiful clerk asked if she could help him. In a cocky manner, he asked, “Where are all the men’s clothes?” In a demure voice the clerk replied, “All of these clothes are for men, sir.” [:D] [:D] [:D]

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #90 on: 19/05/2010 10:32:10 »
Kathy goes to her local bank, walks into the manager’s office, and says, “I want a loan; I am going to divorce my husband.” “Oh, we don’t give loans for divorces,” the manager says. “We offer loans only for things like real estate, appliances, automobiles, businesses, and home improvement.” Kathy interrupts: “Stop right there. This definitely falls into the category of ‘Home Improvement.’ [:D] [:D] [:D]

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #91 on: 20/05/2010 10:11:21 »
The girl’s car couldn’t get started and traffic was tied up for blocks. The light turned green, then yellow, then red. “Whatsa madda, miss,” shouted the officer. “Don’t you like any of our colors?” [;)]

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #92 on: 21/05/2010 18:16:46 »
Mother asks little Johnny, as they wait for the bus, to tell the driver he is 4 years old when asked because he will ride for free. As they get into the bus the driver asks Johnny how old he was. "I am 4 years old". "And when will you be six years old?" asks the driver. “When I get off the bus" answers Johnny [:D] [:D] [:D]

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #93 on: 22/05/2010 11:04:41 »
A doctor broke the bad news to a man, that his wife would have to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital. “I’m afraid her mind’s completely gone,” he said. “Makes sense,” mumbled the man. “She’s been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 15 years.” [:D]

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #94 on: 24/05/2010 17:27:57 »
While attending a Marriage seminar dealing with communication, Jack and his wife, Barb, listened to the instructor. “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.” He addressed the man, “can you describe your wife’s favorite flower?” Jack leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, “Its Pillsbury isn’t it?” [:D]

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #95 on: 25/05/2010 11:10:21 »
Tom went to an interview for the job of a watchman

the interviewer asked him, “What are your qualifications for the job of night watchman?”

Tom: “The slightest noise wakes me up.” [:D] [:D] [:D]

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Offline djdave

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #96 on: 26/05/2010 11:15:13 »
LOL

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #97 on: 26/05/2010 18:04:03 »
A man visiting New York stopped at a restaurant which claimed it could supply any dish ordered, so the tourist asked the waiter for Kangaroo on toast. The waiter came back a while later and said, “I am so sorry, sir, but we have run out of bread.” [:D] [:D] [:D]

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #98 on: 27/05/2010 17:59:03 »
Rose accompanied her husband Tom to his annual checkup. While Tom was getting dressed, the doctor came out and said to Rose, “I don’t like the way he looks.” “Neither do I,” she said. “But he’s handy around the house.” [:D] [:D] [:D]

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Offline omid

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #99 on: 29/05/2010 11:36:58 »
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"  [:D] [:D] [:D]