[omid (OP)]

At a bar Neilep said to BenV;

“John Chapman tried to make a new kind of car. He took wheels from a Cadillac, radiator from a Lexus, tires from a Ford”

“What did he get? Asked BenV

“Two years.” Said Neilep [] [] []

[Karen W.]

A Nun goes up to a Priest and asks him, "Father, how do you make Holy water?"

The priest looked at her and replied, "You shake the h ell out of it!" :-)

[omid (OP)]

RD asked Geezer “What happened to John chapman’s boat?”

“Ever notice that big rock at the entrance to the Golden Gate?” said Geezer.

“Yes, I have” replied RD.

“Well, he didn’t” said Geezer. [] [] []

[omid (OP)]

A schoolteacher was trying to teach her six-year old class students how to say the pledge of allegiance to the flag. The schoolteacher said, O.K. children begin by putting your hand over your little heart and repeat with me, I pledge allegiance to the HOLD IT! HOLD IT! Johnny, why is your hand over your butt cheek instead of your heart? Johnny relied! I can’t. Teacher asks, why not? Well you see, when my aunt comes over to pick me up and pats my bottom and says, BLESS YOUR LITTLE HEART!!!!!! [] [] []

[Pedrina19]

Nice jokes, i wish i knew good jokes like yours

[omid (OP)]

On a visit to Chicago, a woman was eager to visit a posh department store a few blocks from her hotel. Her husband agreeably hailed a cab. “The lady wants to go to Neiman Marcus,” he told the driver.
The cabby looked over his shoulder at them. “And the gentleman?” he asked. “Does he want to go to the bank?” [] [] []

[SeanB]

Or more likely to the poorhouse!

[omid (OP)]

The humble little accountant had his suspicion. One day he left the office early and, sure enough, at home he found a strange hat and umbrella in the hallway and sitting in the living room in the arms of another man was his wife. Wild for revenge, the husband picked up the man’s umbrella and snapped it in two across his knee.
“There!” he said. “Now I hope it rains!” [] [] []

[omid (OP)]

John Chapman watching a Tarzan movie rushed out of the hall the moment a tiger appeared on screen, advancing menacingly towards the audience.
Neilep trying to stop him argued that it's only a movie, to which the John Chapman replied: “I know it’s a movie, you also know it is, but does the tiger know"? [] [] []

[omid (OP)]

A man gave the waiter his order, "Black coffee, no cream"
The waiter came back and apologized, "I'm sorry, we're out of cream. Would you take your coffee without milk?" [] [] []

[omid (OP)]

A cannibal chief invited over another cannibal chief from a different tribe over for dinner. They sit down and eat the best meat. After dinner, the visiting cannibal chief said, "Wow that was good! Your wife makes the best meat." Then the other cannibal chief said, "Yeah, I'm gonna miss her..." [] [] []

[peppercorn]

LOL! On fire lately with the jokes, Omid!

[omid (OP)]

It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers." "That's right!" the boy said, "But, how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said. The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher. The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner. The teacher held he package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!" SURPRISE! [] [] []

[Geezer]

A cannibal chief invited over another cannibal chief from a different tribe over for dinner. They sit down and eat the best meat. After dinner, the visiting cannibal chief said, "Wow that was good! Your wife makes the best meat." Then the other cannibal chief said, "Yeah, I'm gonna miss her..." [] [] []

OR

Child:  Mummy! Mummy! Mummy! I hate Daddy's guts!

Mother:  Shut up, and eat what's given to you.

[omid (OP)]

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached
a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement
over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain
speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los
Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY G-D!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought
me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!" [] [] [] 

[omid (OP)]

Before going to Europe on business, John Chapman drives his Rolls-Royce to a downtown London's City bank and asks for an immediate loan of £5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requests collateral. "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," John Chapman says. The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping and gives John Chapman £5,000. Two weeks later, John Chapman walks through the bank's doors and asks to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be £5,000 in principal, and £15.40 in interest," the loan officer says. John Chapman writes out a check and starts to walk away. "Wait, sir," the loan officer says. "You are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow £5,000?" John Chapman smiles, "Where else could I find a safer place to park my Rolls-Royce in London for two weeks and pay only £15.40?" [] [] []

[omid (OP)]

Neilep, John Chapman, BenV and BORED Chemist were four of the high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.
Much to their relief she smiled and said: "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."
Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said:
"First Question: Which tire was flat?" [] [] []

[Bored chemist]

"Front left", Miss.
oh, sorry, did you want us to write that down?

[Mark Lehman]

Santa came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife, Jeeto, with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.

"Was it my friend Banta", he demanded.

"No !" his weeping wife replied.

"Was it my friend Ramta then?" he asked.

"No !!!" she said even more upset.

"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.

"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" Jeeto snapped []

hello guys,

Its Really funny.

Mark.

[omid (OP)]

"Front left", Miss.
oh, sorry, did you want us to write that down?

NOT bad BORED chemist []

teacher impressed!!!!!!!!!!! []