Punning is hard(ly) work! Is groaning aloud here?

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Offline demografx

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« Reply #1650 on: 29/11/2011 15:45:36 »
December is
Quince and Watermelon Month
http://www.fruitsandveggiesmatter.gov/month/watermelon.html






I know what you're all thinking, "Demo, water you ranting about NOW???"

But it's really just a quinceidence that this is a sweet month.

Maybe Don will re-do the definition ?
« Last Edit: 29/11/2011 16:06:53 by demografx »

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« Reply #1651 on: 29/11/2011 16:18:09 »
Ah! The quinceessntial month of December approaches. (Excuse me London accent).

Yes, here I cydonia my chair getting the pip over a large fruit. I can get very pithy about this sort of thing. Such a fruitless excersize. And does anyone invite me arind their gaff to partake of these natural delights? Its no coquinceidence that they don't.

"How much is that melon mate?"
"To you guv, it'll be two quince."
"Shouldn't that be 'two quid'?"
"You read your script, I'll read mine."
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline demografx

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« Reply #1652 on: 29/11/2011 16:34:33 »


(Excuse me London accent).


What do you call a melon that's not allowed to get married?

Can't elope.


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« Reply #1653 on: 29/11/2011 18:04:07 »
Oh my gourd, where's 'er indoors?

"Honey, dew my medication now, I musk have it, I'm going to that galia meeting of the Punster Society tonight. I don't want to show myself up like last time, when I called the Chairman 'Sugar', that's har al y need".

Now that's what you call a contrived pun!
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline demografx

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« Reply #1654 on: 30/11/2011 05:03:23 »

...I called the Chairman 'Sugar'...


Cane sugar can't be beet.


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Offline demografx

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« Reply #1655 on: 30/11/2011 05:19:45 »

"Honey, dew my medication now...


Before we married, I told my wife, "Honey, dew you realize we cantaloupe because they would banana from traveling to chili."
« Last Edit: 30/11/2011 05:23:17 by demografx »

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« Reply #1656 on: 30/11/2011 10:21:33 »

...I called the Chairman 'Sugar'...


Cane sugar can't be beet.



No, but you can whisk it.
« Last Edit: 30/11/2011 10:30:47 by Don_1 »
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Offline Don_1

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« Reply #1657 on: 30/11/2011 10:48:32 »
With all this eloping in mind, I have decided to get religion.

I shall become a spiritualist. Apparently, after drinking a bottle of Scotch or some other strong spirit you list to one side or the other and then start singing 'Aisle be seeing you in all the old familiar places'. But after so much drink, you must not go anywhere via car or the police will priest you to alter your ways.

When the effect of the drink has worn off, you get an unholy pain in the temple and are liable to pewk.
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline demografx

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« Reply #1658 on: 01/12/2011 01:02:26 »

Have faith, Don, a bolt of enlightenment will hit you slowly, but not rite away.


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« Reply #1659 on: 01/12/2011 11:12:35 »

Have faith, Don,

I would have Faith, but she want's nothing to do with me, so I'll try Christine instead.
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Offline demografx

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« Reply #1660 on: 01/12/2011 14:00:35 »



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Offline demografx

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« Reply #1661 on: 01/12/2011 14:23:19 »
December 2 - tomorrow
Is National Mutt Day
http://m.examiner.com/examiner/pm_60901/contentdetail.htm?contentguid=lFm2OmJm

I hope this post breeds more awareness of our scruffier canine friends.

Paws for a moment and consider their situation.

Don''t make them beg for your attention.

And if you're well-heeled, buy a mutt a manicure or pedicure. Today.



« Last Edit: 01/12/2011 14:25:49 by demografx »

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Offline Don_1

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« Reply #1662 on: 01/12/2011 17:22:38 »
Much as I love dogs, I could never keep one because we both work. It would be unfair to let a dog rot while ‘er indoors and myself are out all day.

Thought you were going to get off scottie free there didn’t you? I thought I’d poodle up to the pun to throw you off the scent. I can be a right little terrier at times.

Now where’s that young lad Jack? I’m getting hungry. “Oi Jack, russell up some grub will you. I wouldn’t mind a nice collieflower cheese.” I have to meet the Mrs at the station and setter on her way to the supermarket. She’ll hound me chronic if I don’t pointer in the right direction. Probably cut my trousers to shreds, so I’ll have my bum hanging out and peeking knees! She’s always calling me a tosa, just the slightest mistake and she tells me “Hold out your hand while I whippet.” 

I’d send the lad to it for me, but that would only throw a spaniel in the works and I’d still have to go to retriever anyway. When ‘er indoors gets in a tiz, it be goulish, I can tell you.

Right, best get off now, chow, chow.
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline Don_1

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« Reply #1663 on: 01/12/2011 17:34:43 »
Stone me! Even I'm quite pleased with that post! Especially the tosa!



Good grief! even a smiley pun.... its Mutley!
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Offline demografx

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« Reply #1664 on: 01/12/2011 23:23:13 »




Don wins the Perpetual Punning Dog Award!
« Last Edit: 02/12/2011 01:25:05 by demografx »

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Offline Don_1

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« Reply #1665 on: 02/12/2011 08:28:01 »
Ding goes the door bell. I open the door to find the neighbour standing there.
"Hi Ena" I say to her. She's quite a foxy lady.
"Have any spare milk? Our Johnny has wolfed down all of our's." she says in her husky voice. I invite her in to the kitchen.
"Doing anything special for Xmas?" she enqires.
"No, you're barking up the wrong tree there." I growl. "Are you expecting any good presents?" I continue.
"I doubt it" she replies "just the usual new pair of pants."
She sits on my lap and I cockern eye at her. I know where this is leading to. "Carefull" I say, "we don't want to get collared again for this hanky panky." I could tell you a tail or two, but I paws for the sake of good taste.
As she leaves, I say "Nice of you to come by." and we both howl with laughter.
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline demografx

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« Reply #1666 on: 03/12/2011 00:08:49 »

"...Our Johnny has wolfed down all of our's".


Unable to get help with my refinancing made me a loan wolf.
« Last Edit: 03/12/2011 00:11:20 by demografx »

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« Reply #1667 on: 03/12/2011 02:36:53 »

Unable to get help with my refinancing made me a loan wolf.


Better than being a loan dog fishshark!

"Hey! Mr Papadopalopalopalopadus, wanna borrow a few meillion Euros? Cheaper pryyce inteerrest, only 1001%."
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Offline demografx

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« Reply #1668 on: 03/12/2011 02:51:30 »

Unable to get help with my refinancing made me a loan wolf.


Better than being a loan dog fish shark!


It's a shark-eat-shark world, I tell ya!
« Last Edit: 03/12/2011 03:01:01 by demografx »

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« Reply #1669 on: 03/12/2011 02:54:27 »


He was the most dishonest and cleverest card shark in the city, but the police said he will be dealt with.


« Last Edit: 03/12/2011 03:05:01 by demografx »

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« Reply #1670 on: 03/12/2011 11:06:35 »
From your report with the Met Police.

I spoke to some of the officers under the command of Detective Inspector Ali B. Aster, just before they raided the shark’s illegal gaming den. I asked one of them, “Can Aster bring this card shark, Jack Dupp,  to book?”

The sergeant replied “Oh yes, we’ll get Black Jack, as he’s known in his club, bang to rights. I don’t want blow the DI’s trumpet, but he’s a good copper, a real diamond geezer.”

Dogs would not be used on this raid as the handler had to take some puppies to the vet to be spayed.

There was a great deal of tension in the air as we prepared to raid the club. The officers shuffled around and took up position. Then came the word to go. We rushed over the bridge and crashed through the door. The Sergeant was shouting “Armed police, nobody move, stay where you are and hit the deck.”

One of the players cried out “What the blinking hell’s going on? Have a heart this is my first time here. ”

Another said “I can’t stay down here for long, I’m getting old, you know.” The PC stood over him said “Don’t crib, ageism is against the Queen’s law. Others just stared poker faced at the floor.

DI Aster pulled Jack to his feet and said “This is a black day for you.” And then red him his rights. “I should have known this raid was on the cards.” said Jack "I saw it in the stars, the Moon was in line with Jupiter and acemetrical with Venus.

DI Aster poured a glass of orange duce and offer some to Jack, who shook his head. “Suit yourself.” The DI said. He looked around at all the gamblers and pointing to one table said “These are four of a kind. Looks like you had a full house here tonight.” He motioned to the sergeant and said “Right, take ‘em away.”

One pair of gamblers tried to make a wild break for it, but there were two pair of officers at the door who grabbed them and put them straight in the back of the van. “A right royal mess you jokers are in.” said one officer to them, "Well, you've had your chips now.

The officers left the club feeling flushed with success. The last one out called out the mowser, "Here kitty", closed and sealed the door behind him.
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline demografx

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« Reply #1671 on: 04/12/2011 00:28:43 »




Don wins yet another Award!!!
« Last Edit: 04/12/2011 00:32:30 by demografx »

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Offline Don_1

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« Reply #1672 on: 04/12/2011 01:29:02 »
Thanks Demo. I have a space on my shelf to fill. That award should do the trick nicely.
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline demografx

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« Reply #1673 on: 05/12/2011 05:25:37 »

Thanks Demo. I have a space on my shelf to fill. That award should do the trick nicely.


LOL, Don, you're such a card!

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« Reply #1674 on: 06/12/2011 11:59:01 »
DEMOGRAFX!!!

Shame on you, you have failed to point out that December is Tie Month.



I pin this omission squarely on your shoulders. Usually I would bow to your superior knowledge on such matters, but, admit it, this time you've been collared.

I don't understand, I'm not a tricky dickie. Were you afraid I'd stitch you up like a kipper, or did you think I'd just tell you to get knotted?

I may forgive you, boot lacet time I do, so please keep us informed or I shall give it to you in the neck.
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline demografx

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« Reply #1675 on: 06/12/2011 21:34:18 »

DEMOGRAFX!!!


Shame on you, you have failed to point out that December is Tie Month.










Oh no! I goofed! Horrifically!!! Will I have to tie one on in shame?? Your news just bowled me over.

You've exposed me for the tierant that I have always been.

The reason I couldn't post it was because I was tied up at the moment.

Don, next time please have more compassion when judging me: when I was once a sailor, I had ties to home but was knot there often.

« Last Edit: 06/12/2011 23:07:54 by demografx »

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« Reply #1676 on: 07/12/2011 09:43:02 »

....... I was tied up at the moment.


One day your antics with that Au pair will get found out!


OK, you are forgiven this time, but any more omissions and it will be the rack for you or a spot of neck stretching. I’ll have no more slipping. That will become abundantly clear.
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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« Reply #1677 on: 08/12/2011 00:10:20 »

Anything but waterboarding! Last time you did that I was on a liquid diet for a whole week!

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« Reply #1678 on: 08/12/2011 05:31:49 »

Will I have to tie one on in shame??


Too late! I missed Tie One On Day, November 23!

Will have to wait for next year's !
http://www.apronmemories.com/tie-one-on-day/


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« Reply #1679 on: 08/12/2011 11:04:52 »

Will I have to tie one on in shame??


Too late! I missed Tie One On Day, November 23!



I would taiwan on to cover my shy knees but I think I've a cold coming on, or some sort of germ anyway. I feel chile and so sick man, illa than you can imagine. I'd best eat something, like turkey, as they say you should feed a cold, though I don't feel hungary, or I're land up in bed for a few days. Of course 'er indoors will never believe it, I'll have to peruve it to her that I haves pain.

She'll just say 'get in dia van, burma bit of rubber and get going. Nor way am I letting you laze around before Xmas.'.
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline Donnah

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« Reply #1680 on: 08/12/2011 22:17:41 »

....... I was tied up at the moment.


One day your antics with that Au pair will get found out!


OK, you are forgiven this time, but any more omissions and it will be the rack for you or a spot of neck stretching. I’ll have no more slipping. That will become abundantly clear.

Demografx, Don_1's forgiveness must have set you at Tie one ease!

"Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms." - Audrey Hepburn

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« Reply #1681 on: 09/12/2011 02:20:31 »


Truly, Donnah, I feel exonerated. Or is that x-rated?

Hmm.


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« Reply #1682 on: 09/12/2011 02:30:26 »

I would taiwan on to cover my shy knees but I think I've a cold coming on, or some sort of germ anyway. I feel chile and so sick man, illa than you can imagine. I'd best eat something, like turkey, as they say you should feed a cold, though I don't feel hungary, or I're land up in bed for a few days. Of course 'er indoors will never believe it, I'll have to peruve it to her that I haves pain.

She'll just say 'get in dia van, burma bit of rubber and get going. Nor way am I letting you laze around before Xmas.'.



I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.
« Last Edit: 09/12/2011 02:39:53 by demografx »

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« Reply #1683 on: 09/12/2011 10:20:38 »

I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.


R, L O, F U N E M N X
S, V F M N X

Any excuse for this sketch from The Two Ronnies.
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline demografx

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« Reply #1684 on: 09/12/2011 15:54:52 »

Any excuse for this sketch from The Two Ronnies.








(LMFAHO!)


« Last Edit: 10/12/2011 03:18:17 by demografx »

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« Reply #1685 on: 10/12/2011 12:59:24 »
Good grief Demo. you seem to have lost your mind!

I should have known it was a mistake to let you watch that clip, especially since I had just bought you this 4.000 year old Egyptian cranial adornment for Xmas:




Ah well, I’ll send it back, after all de cap it ancient anyway.



What's that in the road ahead?
What's that in the road, a head?



Q. What is Demo's head singing as it rolls off into the distance?
A. 'I Ain't Got Nobody'.

The old ones are the oldest!
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline Donnah

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« Reply #1686 on: 10/12/2011 21:22:47 »
This 'E chipped chin fellow nose he has a great hat on his whooping big craneum.  You two rule, so hop in the car, Toot 'n cam on over, 'cause I'd like to show this to my mummy.
"Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms." - Audrey Hepburn

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Offline demografx

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« Reply #1687 on: 11/12/2011 04:38:42 »



And Don has agreed to share with Donnah......... the Mummy Punny Award!
« Last Edit: 11/12/2011 04:45:13 by demografx »

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« Reply #1688 on: 11/12/2011 05:44:55 »

And this is all relevant - even today:  it was the pharaohs of Egypt who worked out the very first pyramid scheme!
« Last Edit: 11/12/2011 05:47:33 by demografx »

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« Reply #1689 on: 11/12/2011 06:03:53 »

In Egypt archaeologists pyramid the ruins for mummies and those places where ancient wrappers performed.

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Offline Donnah

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« Reply #1690 on: 11/12/2011 18:39:32 »
You birds are a hoot and sound like a couple of wise old owls.
"Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms." - Audrey Hepburn

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Offline demografx

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« Reply #1691 on: 12/12/2011 19:51:52 »
Thank you, Donnah!

Your punctuation is always welcome here!

[:)]  [:)]
« Last Edit: 12/12/2011 23:18:35 by demografx »

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« Reply #1692 on: 12/12/2011 21:46:18 »


I had just bought you this 4.000 year old Egyptian cranial adornment for Xmas:




THANK YOU, DON!! I will treasure this forever! And I will bury all previous resentment. [:)]





Q. What is Demo's head singing as it rolls off into the distance?

A. 'I Ain't Got Nobody'.



The headlines nobody likes are wrinkles.

« Last Edit: 12/12/2011 23:07:55 by demografx »

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« Reply #1693 on: 13/12/2011 13:05:00 »
Toot 'n cam on over, 'cause I'd like to show this to my mummy.

We will! What's more, we will bring an old time group to play some music during the unveiling, though it has to be said, the band age will be quite high.
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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« Reply #1694 on: 13/12/2011 13:15:05 »


The headlines nobody likes are wrinkles.



The local beauty salon offers a cure for wrinkles, smoothing on a mixture of essential oils. I have seen them balming as i walk past.
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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« Reply #1695 on: 13/12/2011 17:25:15 »

I have seen them balming as i walk past.


Embalming? Mummies? Oh, c'mon, you certainly know that's a dead art.

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Offline Don_1

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Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #1696 on: 13/12/2011 18:18:56 »
Sometimes I have grave worries about you, Demo. They are not only my worries, they're hearse indoors too! You'll come to some greef one day.
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline demografx

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Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #1697 on: 14/12/2011 06:25:57 »

Sometimes I have grave worries about you, Demo.


You're projecting, Don, and it's all because you're simply buried in your work. Slow down!



They are not only my worries, they're hearse indoors too!


Awwww, now you sound just like those heavy drinkers who always put the quart before the hearse.


« Last Edit: 14/12/2011 19:42:24 by demografx »

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Offline Donnah

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Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #1698 on: 15/12/2011 05:45:38 »
How can he be impaired if he's drinking alone?  [???]
"Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms." - Audrey Hepburn

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Offline Don_1

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #1699 on: 18/12/2011 12:40:31 »
How can he be impaired if he's drinking alone?  [???]

The last time an imp aired his views to me, I smashed him in the gob lined him up with some other miscreants and pixi enough of them to make a grimm example of. One, named Peggy I kicked up the bum. Peggy’s arse was so sore she couldn’t sit down. The others I made gargoyle with vinegar, which made their throat’s very unelfy. I made this torture drag on until they pleaded for mercy. “We feel very grotoy” they said. “Fair enough”, I said and let them wander off into the woodland for rest and recuperation. Should any of them return, I warned them, to dsingly delve into mischief again, I’ll give them a fairy rough dusting down.
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.