Feeling low.......................post a joke

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Offline Mirage

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Feeling low.......................post a joke
« on: 13/10/2006 19:32:48 »
The Seven Dwarfs and the Pope

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they have requested an audience, and as they are THE Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack.

"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?" Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Holiness, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment, and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers "Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back and says, "Your extreme holiness! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"

After consulting with his advisors, the Pope responds, "I'm sorry my son, there're no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world." The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing and pounding the floor, tears streaming down their cheeks as they begin chanting.....

"Dopey shagged a penguin! Dopey shagged a penguin!"

-------------------------
Flying Monkey Slayer AKA The Big Cheese says:

Of all the things I have lost, I miss my mind the most
-------------------------

Would if I could but I can't so I won't

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Offline Gaia

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #1 on: 13/10/2006 20:42:12 »
What's the difference between light and hard?

You can sleep with a light on.

Gaia  xxx
Gaia  xxx

"Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience." Anon.

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Offline Carolyn

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #2 on: 13/10/2006 21:58:39 »
HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAha.  LOL  Thanks for both of those.  I needed a good laugh.  More please.

Carolyn
Carolyn

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Offline Karen W.

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #3 on: 14/10/2006 16:18:52 »
Yes Those are funny! GAia I had to read that several times before it bit me on the behind! Very funny!

Karen

"Life is not measured by the number of Breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

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Offline Carolyn

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #4 on: 15/10/2006 03:46:37 »
quote:
Originally posted by Gaia

What's the difference between light and hard?

You can sleep with a light on.

Gaia  xxx



Told this joke to my mom.  Her response was "I don't get it", and then all of a sudden, she just guffawed.  Watching the 'light' go on over her head was almost as funny as the joke.  Thanks!!

Carolyn
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Offline Grecian

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #5 on: 15/10/2006 14:22:51 »


Yeah, feeling low....don't have any good jokes

to share, so please keep them coming in.



Love you lots


Helena  xx




« Last Edit: 15/10/2006 14:44:26 by Grecian »
 

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Offline Gaia

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #6 on: 15/10/2006 16:41:49 »
What's up hun?



*Martha's Way*
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
 
*Muriel's Way *
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!
 
*Martha's Way*
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
 
*Muriel's Way *
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix, keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

*Martha's Way*
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
 
*Muriel's Way *
Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you.

*Martha's Way*
If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."

*Muriel's Way *
If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!"
 
*Martha's Way*
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
 
*Muriel's Way *
Celery? Never heard of it!

*Martha's Way*
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish

*Muriel's Way *
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I don't.
 
*Martha's Way*
Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

*Muriel's Way *
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!

*Martha's Way*
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

*Muriel's Way *
Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.

*Martha's Way*
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

*Muriel's Way *
Leftover wine???????????
HELLO !!!!!!!

As usual, if you don't forward this to 1 of your friends within the next 5 minutes, your belly button will fall off. Really... it's true! Have I ever lied to you?


Gaia  xxx
Gaia  xxx

"Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience." Anon.

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Offline Carolyn

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #7 on: 15/10/2006 16:50:29 »
OMG.  That sounds so much like my mom and me.  BTW, her name is Martha.  Must email it now.  Don't want my belly button falling off.[:D]

Carolyn
« Last Edit: 15/10/2006 16:51:00 by Carolyn »
Carolyn

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Offline Gaia

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #8 on: 15/10/2006 16:54:12 »
HOW TO ADVOID THE FLU
 
Eat right!
 
Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
 
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.

Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.
 
Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
 
Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.

Get lots of fresh air. Open doors & windows whenever possible.

Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

Get plenty of rest.

OR
 
Take the doctor's approach.

Think about it...
When you go for a shot,
what do they do first?
They Clean your arm with alcohol...
Why?
Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.
So.......
 
I walk to the liquor store. (exercise)
I put lime in my Corona...(fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air)
Tell jokes, laugh...(eliminate stress)
Then pass out. (rest)
The way I see it...
 
If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can't get you!

My grandmother always said, "A shot in the glass is better than one in the butt!"

Live Well - Laugh Often - Love Much


Gaia  xxx
Gaia  xxx

"Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience." Anon.

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Offline Karen W.

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #9 on: 16/10/2006 09:21:04 »
Gaia thats pretty funny, I like your Grandma, she sounds like a smart women.. even though I don't drink, I have had some in my time .. still very funny!  

How are you Helena? Are you feeling better yet? Glad to see you post again..

Karen

"Life is not measured by the number of Breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

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Offline Mirage

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #10 on: 16/10/2006 16:34:20 »
Three men one American, one Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.

"That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

Paddy felt decidedly low-tech. So as not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to toilet. He returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his arse.

The others raised their eyebrows and said, "Wow! What's that?""I'm getting a fax," he explains.

-------------------------
Flying Monkey Slayer AKA The Big Cheese says:

Of all the things I have lost, I miss my mind the most
-------------------------

Would if I could but I can't so I won't

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Offline Mirage

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #11 on: 16/10/2006 16:36:33 »
Breakfast Time

A little boy came down to breakfast. Since they lived on a farm, this mother asked if he had done his tasks. "Not yet", said the little boy.

His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his tasks. Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.

He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well", his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I ?"

-------------------------
Flying Monkey Slayer AKA The Big Cheese says:

Of all the things I have lost, I miss my mind the most
-------------------------

Would if I could but I can't so I won't

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Offline Karen W.

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #12 on: 16/10/2006 17:20:43 »
DAniel those are great "old" jokes, I like em they are funny!! I am amazed that I have heard them and recognize them..

Karen

"Life is not measured by the number of Breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

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Offline Grecian

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #13 on: 16/10/2006 18:04:17 »



Wonderful Dan - it's the first time I heard them -

I laughed until I cried.



Love you lots

Helena xx



 

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Offline Mirage

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #14 on: 16/10/2006 18:14:22 »
quote:
Originally posted by Grecian




Wonderful Dan - it's the first time I heard them -

I laughed until I cried.



Love you lots

Helena xx







How are you feeling today hun? I noticed you were feeling a little low yesterday.

Anything I can help with [:)]

-------------------------
Flying Monkey Slayer AKA The Big Cheese says:

Of all the things I have lost, I miss my mind the most
-------------------------

Would if I could but I can't so I won't

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Offline Grecian

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #15 on: 16/10/2006 19:21:56 »



Thanks Dan, and all you lovely peeps,

I'm feeling a little better today.



Love you lots.

Helena xx






 

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Offline Mirage

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #16 on: 16/10/2006 19:31:57 »
Well if you ever need to talk I'm all ears, well not literally all ears but you know what I mean [;)]

But honestly, I can be a good listener

-------------------------
Flying Monkey Slayer AKA The Big Cheese says:

Of all the things I have lost, I miss my mind the most
-------------------------

Would if I could but I can't so I won't

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Offline Grecian

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #17 on: 16/10/2006 19:49:36 »



Thanks Dan. - you're a sweetie.



Love you lots

Helena xx



 

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Offline Mirage

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #18 on: 16/10/2006 20:02:56 »
Well I'm here for you and everyone else because I like you all so darn much [:X]

-------------------------
Flying Monkey Slayer AKA The Big Cheese says:

Of all the things I have lost, I miss my mind the most
-------------------------

Would if I could but I can't so I won't

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Offline Grecian

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #19 on: 16/10/2006 20:30:35 »



I'm sure the feeling is mutual.


Love you lots.


Helena xx




 

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Offline tony6789

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #20 on: 16/10/2006 20:37:34 »
the weather for tonight calls for darkness..

NEVER! underestimate youth
LCPL Hart USMC 6400 I Level Avionics

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Offline moonfire

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #21 on: 17/10/2006 04:56:59 »
I can't even think funny tonight...I can hear funny, I see funny, I look funny...but cannot speak or type funny

"Just Me, Lo" Loretta
"Just Me, Lo" Loretta

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Offline Karen W.

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #22 on: 17/10/2006 07:27:21 »
WHATS WRONG LORETTA?? CAN I HELP?

Karen

"Life is not measured by the number of Breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

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Offline science_guy

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #23 on: 17/10/2006 16:18:10 »
There were three men in a helicopter, a japanese man, a canadian, and an american.  They were each going to drop somthing to represent their country.

The pilot gave the signal, and the japanese man dropped a coconut, the canadian dropped a banana peel, and the american dropped a bomb.

As the three men left the helicopter, the japanese man noticed a chiled sitting near a tree, crying.  As he asked why he was crying, he explained that a coconut fell from the sky and hit him on the head.

The canadian also noticed a little boy crying, and found that the child slipped on a banana peel that he had not noticed.

As the american neared his destination, he found a boy in his young teens laughing histerically.  When he asked why he was laughing so hard, he found that his friend farted, and his house blew up.

_________________________________________________________________________________________

I would engage you in a battle of wits, but it is against my moral code to attack the unarmed.
_________________________________________________________________________________________

I would engage you in a battle of wits, but it is against my moral code to attack the unarmed.

he's back!!!!

no, my name is not Bill Nye

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Offline Mirage

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #24 on: 17/10/2006 18:44:37 »
LOL

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.


Our local chemist was robbed last week and a quantity of viagra was stolen.
Police say that they are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.


At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conferencing.

Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the barman: "In 'Strailya, we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a Fosters, mate."

Bob, CEO of Budweiser calls out next: "In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all - gimme a Bud."

Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das beer. Give me un Helles, ze REAL King of beers."

Jan, chief executive of Grolsch follows by stating that Grolsch is the ultimate beer and asks for one with two fingers of head on top.

Patrick, CEO of Guinness, steps forward: "Barman, give me a diet coke with ice and lemon. please".

The other four stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces.

Eventually Bruce asks: "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?"

Patrick replies "Well, if you pansies aren't drinking, then neither am I"



-------------------------
Flying Monkey Slayer AKA The Big Cheese says:

Of all the things I have lost, I miss my mind the most
-------------------------

Would if I could but I can't so I won't

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #25 on: 17/10/2006 23:51:53 »
Copied from a mailing list, but originally from an unknown source:
quote:

Suppose you're traveling to work and you see a stop sign. What do you do? That depends on how you interpret the stop sign.

  1. A post-modernist deconstructs the sign (knocks it over with the car), ending forever the tyranny of the north-south traffic over the east-west traffic.
  2. Similarly, a Marxist refuses to stop because she sees the stop sign as an instrument of class conflict. She concludes that the bourgeois use the north-south road and obstruct the progress of the workers in the east-west road.
  3. A serious and educated Catholic rolls through the intersection because he believes he cannot understand the stop sign apart from its interpretive community and tradition. Observing that the interpretive community doesn't take it too seriously, he doesn't feel obligated to take it too seriously either.
  4. An average Catholic (or Orthodox or Coptic or Anglican or Methodist or Presbyterian or whatever) doesn't bother to read the sign but she'll stop the car if the car in front stops.
  5. A fundamentalist, taking the text very literally, stops at the stop sign and waits for it to tell him to go.
  6. A seminary-educated evangelical preacher might look up "STOP" in his lexicons of English and discover that it can mean: 1) something that prevents motion, such as a plug for a drain, or a block of wood that prevents a door from closing; 2) a location where a train or bus lets off passengers. The main point of his sermon the following Sunday on this text is: When you see a stop sign, it is a place where traffic is naturally clogged, so it is a good place to let off passengers from your car.
  7. An orthodox Jew does one of two things: a) Take another route to work that doesn't have a stop sign so that she doesn't run the risk of disobeying the Law; b) Stop at the sign, say "Blessed art thou, O Lord our God, king of the universe, who hast given us thy commandment to stop," wait three seconds according to her watch, and then proceed. Incidentally, the Talmud has the following comments on this passage: Rabbi Meir says: He who does not stop shall not live long. R. Hillel says: Cursed is he who does not count to three before proceeding. R. Simon ben Yudah says: Why three? Because the Holy One, blessed be He, gave us the Law, the Prophets, and the Writings. R. ben Isaac says: Because of the three patriarchs. R. Yehuda says: Why bless the Lord at a stop sign? Because it says, "Be still and know that I am God."
  8. A scholar from the Jesus Seminar concludes that the passage "STOP" undoubtedly was never uttered by Jesus himself because being the progressive Jew that he was, he would never have wanted to stifle people's progress. Therefore, STOP must be a textual insertion belonging entirely to stage III of the gospel tradition, when the Church was first confronted by traffic in its parking lot.
  9. A New Testament scholar notices that there is no stop sign on Mark Street but there is one on Matthew and Luke Streets, and concludes that the ones on Luke and Matthew streets are both copied from a sign on a street no one has ever seen, called "Q" Street. The scholar has read an excellent 300-page doctoral dissertation on the origin of these stop signs and the differences between stop signs on Matthew and Luke. There is an unfortunate omission in the dissertation, however; it doesn't explain the meaning of the text!
  10. A Hebrew Scriptures scholar points out that there are a number of stylistic differences between the first and second half of the passage "STOP." For example, "ST" contains no enclosed areas and five line endings, whereas "OP" contains two enclosed areas and only one line termination. She concludes that the author of the second part is different from the author of the first part and probably lived hundreds of years later. Later scholars determine that the second half is itself actually written by two separate authors because of similar stylistic differences between the "O" and the "P."
  11. Another prominent OT scholar notes in his commentary that the stop sign would fit better into the context three streets back. (Unfortunately, he neglects to explain why in his commentary.) Clearly it was moved to its present location by a later redactor. He thus exegetes the intersection as though the sign were not there.
  12. Because of the difficulties in interpretation, yet another OT scholar amends the text, changing the "T" to "H". "SHOP" is much easier to understand in context than "STOP" because of the multiplicity of stores in the area. She demonstrates that the textual corruption probably occurred because "SHOP" is so similar to "STOP" on the sign several streets back, that it is a natural mistake for a scribe to make. Thus the sign should be interpreted to announce the existence of a shopping area. If this is true, it could indicate that both meanings are valid, thus making the thrust of the message "STOP (AND) SHOP." She goes shopping.
    • A "prophetic" preacher notices that the square root of the sum of the numeric representations of the letters S-T-O-P (sigma-tau-omicron-pi in the Greek alphabet), multiplied by 40 (the number of testing), and divided by four (the number of the world - north, south, east, and west) equals 666. Therefore, he concludes that stop signs are the dreaded "mark of the beast," a harbinger of divine judgment upon the world, and must be avoided at all costs.






George
« Last Edit: 17/10/2006 23:55:24 by another_someone »

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Offline Carolyn

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #26 on: 18/10/2006 04:26:43 »
MARRIED LIFE - MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP, SUCH A HAPPY ENDING !

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered.  I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"  She opened the door to the refrigerator and sho wed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries:  Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know... they have frozen glasses... "

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?"  She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back.  I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?"  She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?  LISTEN UP CHICKEN S*#%T!  SIT YOUR A*# DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED A** ISN'T GOING TO A D%#*@!D BAR!  THAT S*#%T IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKA**?"

and...they lived happily ever after.
 
Isn't that a sweet story? --

Carolyn
Carolyn

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Offline moonfire

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #27 on: 18/10/2006 05:08:42 »
quote:
Originally posted by Karen W.

WHATS WRONG LORETTA?? CAN I HELP?

Karen



Just Krazy..that is all!  Stressed to the maximum gluts...LOL[:(]

"Just Me, Lo" Loretta
"Just Me, Lo" Loretta

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Offline moonfire

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #28 on: 18/10/2006 05:09:38 »
quote:
Originally posted by science_guy

There were three men in a helicopter, a japanese man, a canadian, and an american.  They were each going to drop somthing to represent their country.

The pilot gave the signal, and the japanese man dropped a coconut, the canadian dropped a banana peel, and the american dropped a bomb.

As the three men left the helicopter, the japanese man noticed a chiled sitting near a tree, crying.  As he asked why he was crying, he explained that a coconut fell from the sky and hit him on the head.

The canadian also noticed a little boy crying, and found that the child slipped on a banana peel that he had not noticed.

As the american neared his destination, he found a boy in his young teens laughing histerically.  When he asked why he was laughing so hard, he found that his friend farted, and his house blew up.

_________________________________________________________________________________________

I would engage you in a battle of wits, but it is against my moral code to attack the unarmed.




This is hilarious![:D]

"Just Me, Lo" Loretta
"Just Me, Lo" Loretta

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Offline moonfire

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #29 on: 18/10/2006 05:11:46 »
quote:
Originally posted by Carolyn

MARRIED LIFE - MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP, SUCH A HAPPY ENDING !

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered.  I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"  She opened the door to the refrigerator and sho wed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries:  Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know... they have frozen glasses... "

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?"  She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back.  I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?"  She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?  LISTEN UP CHICKEN S*#%T!  SIT YOUR A*# DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED A** ISN'T GOING TO A D%#*@!D BAR!  THAT S*#%T IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKA**?"

and...they lived happily ever after.
 
Isn't that a sweet story? --

Carolyn




A betty Bad A-- Classic![:D]

"Just Me, Lo" Loretta
"Just Me, Lo" Loretta

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Offline science_guy

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #30 on: 18/10/2006 06:15:26 »
quote:
Originally posted by another_someone

Copied from a mailing list, but originally from an unknown source:
quote:

Suppose you're traveling to work and you see a stop sign. What do you do? That depends on how you interpret the stop sign.

  1. A post-modernist deconstructs the sign (knocks it over with the car), ending forever the tyranny of the north-south traffic over the east-west traffic.
  2. Similarly, a Marxist refuses to stop because she sees the stop sign as an instrument of class conflict. She concludes that the bourgeois use the north-south road and obstruct the progress of the workers in the east-west road.
  3. A serious and educated Catholic rolls through the intersection because he believes he cannot understand the stop sign apart from its interpretive community and tradition. Observing that the interpretive community doesn't take it too seriously, he doesn't feel obligated to take it too seriously either.
  4. An average Catholic (or Orthodox or Coptic or Anglican or Methodist or Presbyterian or whatever) doesn't bother to read the sign but she'll stop the car if the car in front stops.
  5. A fundamentalist, taking the text very literally, stops at the stop sign and waits for it to tell him to go.
  6. A seminary-educated evangelical preacher might look up "STOP" in his lexicons of English and discover that it can mean: 1) something that prevents motion, such as a plug for a drain, or a block of wood that prevents a door from closing; 2) a location where a train or bus lets off passengers. The main point of his sermon the following Sunday on this text is: When you see a stop sign, it is a place where traffic is naturally clogged, so it is a good place to let off passengers from your car.
  7. An orthodox Jew does one of two things: a) Take another route to work that doesn't have a stop sign so that she doesn't run the risk of disobeying the Law; b) Stop at the sign, say "Blessed art thou, O Lord our God, king of the universe, who hast given us thy commandment to stop," wait three seconds according to her watch, and then proceed. Incidentally, the Talmud has the following comments on this passage: Rabbi Meir says: He who does not stop shall not live long. R. Hillel says: Cursed is he who does not count to three before proceeding. R. Simon ben Yudah says: Why three? Because the Holy One, blessed be He, gave us the Law, the Prophets, and the Writings. R. ben Isaac says: Because of the three patriarchs. R. Yehuda says: Why bless the Lord at a stop sign? Because it says, "Be still and know that I am God."
  8. A scholar from the Jesus Seminar concludes that the passage "STOP" undoubtedly was never uttered by Jesus himself because being the progressive Jew that he was, he would never have wanted to stifle people's progress. Therefore, STOP must be a textual insertion belonging entirely to stage III of the gospel tradition, when the Church was first confronted by traffic in its parking lot.
  9. A New Testament scholar notices that there is no stop sign on Mark Street but there is one on Matthew and Luke Streets, and concludes that the ones on Luke and Matthew streets are both copied from a sign on a street no one has ever seen, called "Q" Street. The scholar has read an excellent 300-page doctoral dissertation on the origin of these stop signs and the differences between stop signs on Matthew and Luke. There is an unfortunate omission in the dissertation, however; it doesn't explain the meaning of the text!
  10. A Hebrew Scriptures scholar points out that there are a number of stylistic differences between the first and second half of the passage "STOP." For example, "ST" contains no enclosed areas and five line endings, whereas "OP" contains two enclosed areas and only one line termination. She concludes that the author of the second part is different from the author of the first part and probably lived hundreds of years later. Later scholars determine that the second half is itself actually written by two separate authors because of similar stylistic differences between the "O" and the "P."
  11. Another prominent OT scholar notes in his commentary that the stop sign would fit better into the context three streets back. (Unfortunately, he neglects to explain why in his commentary.) Clearly it was moved to its present location by a later redactor. He thus exegetes the intersection as though the sign were not there.
  12. Because of the difficulties in interpretation, yet another OT scholar amends the text, changing the "T" to "H". "SHOP" is much easier to understand in context than "STOP" because of the multiplicity of stores in the area. She demonstrates that the textual corruption probably occurred because "SHOP" is so similar to "STOP" on the sign several streets back, that it is a natural mistake for a scribe to make. Thus the sign should be interpreted to announce the existence of a shopping area. If this is true, it could indicate that both meanings are valid, thus making the thrust of the message "STOP (AND) SHOP." She goes shopping.
    • A "prophetic" preacher notices that the square root of the sum of the numeric representations of the letters S-T-O-P (sigma-tau-omicron-pi in the Greek alphabet), multiplied by 40 (the number of testing), and divided by four (the number of the world - north, south, east, and west) equals 666. Therefore, he concludes that stop signs are the dreaded "mark of the beast," a harbinger of divine judgment upon the world, and must be avoided at all costs.






George




OMG!!!

I cant remember the last time I laughed this hard.

although, there may be a sad truth to this story... humans are overanalysts.

_________________________________________________________________________________________

I would engage you in a battle of wits, but it is against my moral code to attack the unarmed.
_________________________________________________________________________________________

I would engage you in a battle of wits, but it is against my moral code to attack the unarmed.

he's back!!!!

no, my name is not Bill Nye

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #31 on: 18/10/2006 09:20:03 »
Two blokes are pushing their shopping trolleys around a supermarket
when they collide.

The first bloke says to the second bloke, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I
was going".

The second bloke says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for
my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate".

The first bloke says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does
your wife look like"?

The second bloke says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, 5 feet 11 inches  tall,with blonde hair, blue eyes, big jubblies, long legs and is wearing tiny little shorts and a crop top. What does your wife look like"?

The first bloke says, "It doesn't matter, let's look for yours."

Gaia  xxx
Gaia  xxx

"Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience." Anon.

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Offline Karen W.

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #32 on: 18/10/2006 13:54:00 »
LOL!

Karen

"Life is not measured by the number of Breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #33 on: 18/10/2006 15:17:59 »
-- THANK YOU --


My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Extra thanks for the ones that I have to open 15 times to get to the message.

Special thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water bullock on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping centres or malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS or Parcel Force since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any trainers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer have to buy expensive biccies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favour!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diahorrea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (GMT) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

Gaia  xxx
Gaia  xxx

"Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience." Anon.

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Gaia  xxx

"Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience." Anon.

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #35 on: 19/10/2006 05:14:51 »
Sorry Gaia, you were shortchanged on my brains....no reserve either.

"Just Me, Lo" Loretta
"Just Me, Lo" Loretta

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Offline Karen W.

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #36 on: 19/10/2006 07:13:55 »
hello, Loretta I am going to sleep, my eyes are killing me will talk to you tomorrow OK!! Will be okay....

Karen

"Life is not measured by the number of Breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

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Offline science_guy

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #37 on: 19/10/2006 15:51:06 »
sorry Gaia, that brain was a decoy.

_________________________________________________________________________________________

I would engage you in a battle of wits, but it is against my moral code to attack the unarmed.
_________________________________________________________________________________________

I would engage you in a battle of wits, but it is against my moral code to attack the unarmed.

he's back!!!!

no, my name is not Bill Nye

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Offline cranial_implant

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #38 on: 19/10/2006 16:31:27 »
I have had my fair share of ' feeling lows ' too.

Thank you for the laughs here.

My head is not what it used to be.
My head is not what it used to be.

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Offline Karen W.

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #39 on: 19/10/2006 16:41:21 »
Yes, they help when one is feeling low..!

Karen

"Life is not measured by the number of Breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

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Offline cranial_implant

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #40 on: 19/10/2006 16:44:10 »
I agree Karen,
It has been a welcome laugh, but the laughs don't last long I am sad to say.

My head is not what it used to be.
My head is not what it used to be.

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Offline Karen W.

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #41 on: 19/10/2006 17:03:41 »
I know how that is, but sometimes to smile and to Laugh is the only thing you can do.. and sometimes thats what pulls you through tough times.. I hope they make you smile as they have for me..Just keep smiling friend, OK!

Karen
« Last Edit: 19/10/2006 17:18:08 by Karen W. »

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Offline cranial_implant

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #42 on: 19/10/2006 17:09:41 »
Thank you Karen, I hope you can find some smiles too.

Well, this is my 101st post !..I suppose that is something worth celebrating.


Ian



My head is not what it used to be.
My head is not what it used to be.

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Offline Karen W.

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #43 on: 19/10/2006 17:23:22 »
I will find smiles I have many in my memories and will carry them with me always, and there are many places in this site that make me smile also.. You too friend..
 Congratulations on your 101st post.. Heres to many more!!! Cheers, and I don't even Drink! Enjoy your day I must get to mine...another day perhaps friend..Practice that smiling...


Karen

"Life is not measured by the number of Breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #44 on: 20/10/2006 10:07:34 »
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually
appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at
Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference - includes meals.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water. " The sermon
tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off -- let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
help  they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy
lunch.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies' Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies
are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please  use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

Gaia  xxx
Gaia  xxx

"Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience." Anon.

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Offline science_guy

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #45 on: 20/10/2006 15:40:00 »
where do you find these things Gaia?

I laugh my butt off everytime I read your jokes.  Can you help me find it?

_________________________________________________________________________________________

I would engage you in a battle of wits, but it is against my moral code to attack the unarmed.
_________________________________________________________________________________________

I would engage you in a battle of wits, but it is against my moral code to attack the unarmed.

he's back!!!!

no, my name is not Bill Nye

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Offline Gaia

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #46 on: 20/10/2006 16:03:52 »
quote:
Originally posted by science_guy

where do you find these things Gaia?

I laugh my butt off everytime I read your jokes.  Can you help me find it?

___________________________________________________________________________________

I would engage you in a battle of wits, but it is against my moral code to attack the unarmed.






Gaia  xxx
Gaia  xxx

"Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience." Anon.

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Offline Gaia

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #47 on: 20/10/2006 16:13:16 »
or is this it?



Gaia  xxx
Gaia  xxx

"Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience." Anon.

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #48 on: 20/10/2006 16:35:33 »
quote:
Originally posted by Gaia

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually
appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at
Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference - includes meals.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water. " The sermon
tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off -- let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
help  they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy
lunch.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies' Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies
are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please  use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

Gaia  xxx



Oh Gaia, those are great. I think my fav has to be..........


The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water. " The sermon
tonight: "Searching for Jesus."


-------------------------
Flying Monkey Slayer AKA The Big Cheese says:

Of all the things I have lost, I miss my mind the most
-------------------------

Would if I could but I can't so I won't

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Offline science_guy

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Re: Feeling low.......................post a joke
« Reply #49 on: 21/10/2006 00:04:50 »
my four favorites of that joke:

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

_________________________________________________________________________________________

I would engage you in a battle of wits, but it is against my moral code to attack the unarmed.
_________________________________________________________________________________________

I would engage you in a battle of wits, but it is against my moral code to attack the unarmed.

he's back!!!!

no, my name is not Bill Nye