Psychologist gives the gift of Xmas shopping advice

Now, those of us that have spent the past few weeks buying presents for loved ones will know that it can feel like one of the most stressful parts of Christmas. So, is there anything we can do to make it a bit easier on ourselves? I’ve been speaking to David Robson, author of The Expectation Effect: How Your Mindset Can Transform Your Life...

David - I think the most important thing to remember, and it can actually be a source of great comfort to us, is that we don't have to worry too much about the expense of the present. This is one of our key biases is that we think the value is all important, especially if we're giving a present to a wealthy person, for example, or if we think that it's going to be compared to all of the other presents that someone is receiving. But a ton of research shows expense just really isn't a big priority for the person receiving the gift. They care much more about how personal it is, what it means to them and the other person, than the price tag. It really isn't all about the price tag at Christmas.

Chris - So what sorts of things should I weigh up then? If I want to go and buy a gift for, say, my wife or my brother?

David - One of the things that we pay far too much attention to, apart from expense, is the surprise factor. We really want to see that huge smile or that little bit of shock on the day as someone opens their present. What the research shows is that might delight someone in the moment but, in general, they're going to be far less satisfied with those kinds of surprising gifts than something that would be really useful, that would really contribute to their happiness in the long term. A simple example of this is that you we might buy a showy bunch of flowers that's already in bloom, but people are generally much more satisfied and feel closer to the gift giver if you buy them something that's going to bring happiness day after day over a longer period of time. So rather than that bouquet of flowers, you might buy them a house plant, for example.

Chris - Someone wrote to one of the newspapers the other day and said that her husband got her a chainsaw for Christmas. This can backfire, can't it? Because you end up with the gift that the person wants themselves and they give you saying, "This'll be really useful in the garden," thinking, "Actually that's quite what I want." And it's also kind of saying, "You don't do enough in the garden" if you're not careful.

David - Lots of gifts can be backhanded compliments. They can really carry these mixed messages. I think our egotistical tendencies can play a big role in other ways as well. So, for example, there's research showing that we're really reluctant to buy someone a better version of a product than the one that we own ourselves. In fact, we might just not buy them that product at all. So it might be that you're buying someone in your family a new food mixer and you'll get the version that's slightly worse than the one that you own because you don't want to feel in competition with them - you don't want to be jealous of the gift you're giving.

Chris - Someone said to me once that other gifts that tend to go down very well are experiences. When you send someone off to a spa, or to do that jump out of an aeroplane they've always wanted to do, or that hot air balloon ride?

David - Yeah, that's exactly right. People really value personal growth and that's one of the most important things within any relationship: giving people the opportunity for personal growth. We call that self expansion. Buying these experiences is one way that we can contribute to that. There's lots of research showing that when people do create opportunities for self expansion, it brings people closer together. That trip to the spa, or tickets to a concert, you've got all the anticipation before that event happens - so that's bringing a lot of happiness to the person - and then it's sticking in their memories for months and years afterwards.

Chris - Any tips for, if we flip this round for a moment and say, we are the recipient, not the giver, and we get something that really does leave us a bit lukewarm, any tips on to how to handle that?

David - So I think this comes down again to our egocentric thinking. We are thinking so much about our own disappointment that we actually forget that the person buying the gift, it might be mistaken, but they probably did put a lot of thought into it. Just trying to consider what options they might have been looking at and how much time they might have spent thinking about this that soon shifts those feelings of disappointment into a feeling of gratitude that at least they bothered, at least they had you in their mind when they were going about their Christmas shopping.

Chris - So think about that as you unwrap what you know is a bit of a naff present. You must have an example yourself of a particularly fantastic present you've had and a particularly awful present you've had. Care to share?

David - I will do. First, the awful present, and I think this is a really good demonstration of that last point. It was my birthday actually, and one of my friends sent me in the post a secondhand cassette tape of Belinda Carlisle. I wasn't a Belinda Carlisle fan, really. This was in the 2000's when cassettes weren't really listened too much. I really struggled to think why she had chosen that. But I think reading this research, I'm sure that she felt there was some personal connection there, that maybe in the past I've mentioned that one particular song or that we'd heard it at a party together and it brought back lots of memories to her that it just didn't bring back to me. But actually, I think she really made an effort there and I should have been more grateful at the time rather than expressing my disappointment. In terms of the kind of best present I've received, that was my electric piano from my parents when I turned 18 and now, 20 years later, and it's still something that brings me great pleasure and it's something that, every time I use it, I remember my parents, I remember in that event how exciting it was to open it, and it really does bring me closer to them even when they're far away.