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Physiology & Medicine / Have i got schizophrenia?? Please help
« on: 06/06/2008 11:05:54 »
Hi
This is where i get really confused with things as there was no abusive male in my life, my mom and dad divorced just after i was born and i have never seen my dad other than very old photographs. the only male who i had in my life was my grandad and he was a very gentle quiet and kind and a funny man who brought laughter to my life. as a teen i rebelled a lot but i dont know why? this caused a lot of arguments and tension with my mom and i feel a tremendous amount of guilt even though me and my mom are very close now but if the voice was something to do with that wouldnt it be female? i barely recall my childhood only the very odd memory but i dont know if i have blocked things out as i have always hid my feelings in order to protect myself which i believe i have picked up from my mom.
im so confused about who i am now? after much thought i believe from a young age i have always on the outside been someone who everybody likes and fitted in with many different types of people from all situations (my mask) i think i have always been afraid to be the real me possibly in fear of being disliked or rejected or outcast. the problem is i have been using this mask unknowingly for so many years that when i do try to let some of the other me out people think that im having a bad day and its part of my illness - its not that this side of me is horrible or nasty in any way it is just less confident, bit colder and possibly selfish. people dont recognise the other me and cant relate to it so i end up hiding back behind the mask in front of people so that they feel secure around me. i have always put other people before myself and i have always been more considerate of everyone elses needs (even strangers) before my own and i feel like i can never be anything else now.
i dont expect any of this to make sense to you as it doesnt to me but being human i have to find reason even when in some cases there is none.
This is where i get really confused with things as there was no abusive male in my life, my mom and dad divorced just after i was born and i have never seen my dad other than very old photographs. the only male who i had in my life was my grandad and he was a very gentle quiet and kind and a funny man who brought laughter to my life. as a teen i rebelled a lot but i dont know why? this caused a lot of arguments and tension with my mom and i feel a tremendous amount of guilt even though me and my mom are very close now but if the voice was something to do with that wouldnt it be female? i barely recall my childhood only the very odd memory but i dont know if i have blocked things out as i have always hid my feelings in order to protect myself which i believe i have picked up from my mom.
im so confused about who i am now? after much thought i believe from a young age i have always on the outside been someone who everybody likes and fitted in with many different types of people from all situations (my mask) i think i have always been afraid to be the real me possibly in fear of being disliked or rejected or outcast. the problem is i have been using this mask unknowingly for so many years that when i do try to let some of the other me out people think that im having a bad day and its part of my illness - its not that this side of me is horrible or nasty in any way it is just less confident, bit colder and possibly selfish. people dont recognise the other me and cant relate to it so i end up hiding back behind the mask in front of people so that they feel secure around me. i have always put other people before myself and i have always been more considerate of everyone elses needs (even strangers) before my own and i feel like i can never be anything else now.
i dont expect any of this to make sense to you as it doesnt to me but being human i have to find reason even when in some cases there is none.