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Joke of the day
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Joke of the day
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omid
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Re: Joke of the day
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Reply #40 on:
12/03/2010 07:03:09 »
Banta was driving back home when there was a terrible hailstorm. Huge hailstones the size of tennis balls pelted his car leaving it full of dents.
He drove to the nearby automotive center and asked what he should do. The mechanic explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at least 50pounds to repair. Banta said that was too much and asked if there was some other way to fix it.
He decided to have a little fun and said, "Well you could blow into the tail pipe real hard and they might pop back out."
Banta decided to give it a try before spending that much money. He drove home and was in the garage with his lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe when his neighbour Santa came over to visit.
"What are you doing?" asked Santa.
"I'm blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop all these dents out of my car," explained Banta.
"Well silly, it's not going to work," replied Santa.
"Why not?" asked Banta.
"Because you've got to roll up the windows first." [
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omid
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Re: Joke of the day
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Reply #41 on:
13/03/2010 13:44:43 »
Two drunks, Santa and Banta, enter a hotel late at night. They approach the clerk, and Santa says, "Could you pleash give ush a bed with two rooms?"
"You mean a room with two beds?" asks the clerk.
"Whatever, whatever you shay."
So they get a key and somehow manage to stumble upstairs to their room. After fumbling for ten minutes, they even manage to get their door open. As they stumble inside, the door closes behind them and they are in total darkness. They go forward slowly, and both fall on the bed closest to the door.
"Ahh," says Santa, "Now we can get some sleep at last."
As they try to rearrange themselves, they suddenly realize that they are not alone in their bed.
"Hey! There's somebody in my bed!" says Banta.
"There's somebody in my bed too!" says Santa.
"Let's get rid of them. We paid for this room and we're going to sleep in the beds!" says Banta.
They start a tremendous struggle. They heave and push until eventually Santa throws Banta on the floor.
"ALL RIGHT!!" Santa shouts, "I've thrown mine off the bed."
"You're lucky," says Banta, "I got thrown off and I'm too tired to fight any more."
"Well, never mind," says Santa, "Why don't you just come and share my bed. Let's get some sleep round here." [
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Bored chemist
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Re: Joke of the day
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Reply #42 on:
14/03/2010 13:07:14 »
"Apparently a hotel in the UK uses real live human bedwarmers. "
At least, that was the excuse they gave when prosecuted for running a brothel.
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omid
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Re: Joke of the day
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Reply #43 on:
14/03/2010 14:24:13 »
Santa went to doctor with two red ears
The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But .. what happened to your other ear?"
"The scoundrel called back."[
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omid
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Re: Joke of the day
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Reply #44 on:
16/03/2010 20:22:01 »
Banta noticed a gorgeous blonde sitting by herself in a corner. As he was getting up to talk to her.
Bartender : "Hey don't worry about her, She is lesbian!"
Banta : "Lesbian or no lesbian, I get them all"
....and he stylishly holding his whiskey in his left hand walked to her table. Then leaping forward in a very sexy voice he says.
"Honey where exactly in Lesbia, you from?" [
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omid
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Re: Joke of the day
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Reply #45 on:
18/03/2010 15:16:03 »
A doctor traveling by car along a country road collides with an attorney who happens to be driving in the opposite direction. The attorney, seeing that the doctor is a bit shaken up, helps him from the car and offers him a drink of Scotch from his hip flask. The doctor accepts, took a long drink and hands the flask back to the attorney, who closes it and puts it away. "Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asks the doctor.
The attorney replies, "Sure — as soon as the police leave." [
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Andrew K Fletcher
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Re: Joke of the day
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Reply #46 on:
19/03/2010 17:20:43 »
Following a recent news item, couldn't resist having a scribble
Council linked to terrorist wheely bin tactics, "refusing" to take a bin if the lid don't close because there is too much rubbish in it? Wheely? Yes, when questioned, an official said: "O some are bin laden"
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Science is continually evolving. Nothing is set in stone. Question everything and everyone. Always consider vested interests as a reason for miss-direction. But most of all explore and find answers that you are comfortable with
omid
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Re: Joke of the day
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Reply #47 on:
19/03/2010 18:12:06 »
A man walks into a bar and asks the barman, 'Was I in here last night?'
'You certainly were,' replies the barman.
'And did I spend a lot of money?'
'You spent over £100', replies the barman.
'Thank god for that,' says the man, 'I thought I'd wasted it. [
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omid
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Re: Joke of the day
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Reply #48 on:
21/03/2010 12:13:40 »
a little boy was plucking fruits from a tree in garden, as the watchman saw the boy he was freaked out and shouted at boy
Watchman: you plucking fruit here without permission, I'll just go to your house and complaint your dad about it
Boy: but there's no use of going to my house because my dad is not home
Watchman: so where's your dad?
Boy: *giggling* he is plucking fruit from the other tree [
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omid
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Re: Joke of the day
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Reply #49 on:
22/03/2010 06:55:02 »
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce." [
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omid
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Re: Joke of the day
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Reply #50 on:
24/03/2010 07:06:57 »
A man wanted to prove to a group of alcoholics the effect of alcohol in human body system. He brought two jars; one containing water and the other containing alcohol, along with a very healthy worm. He said to the audience:
"This jar contain water"
He dropped the worm in the jar and said, "Please watch the reaction". The worm swam to the side of the jar and up it floats dangling and swimming.
The man took the worm out of the first jar and put it in the second jar containing alcohol and said to the audience " now watch the reaction" The worm went right down into the water and struggled for survival. There and then every body saw the worm shrinking and dis-integrating, and in one word, died.
The man turned round an asked the audience " what would you all say to this".
After a long silence, someone from the rear stood up and said
" I can see that if I drink alcohol, there will be no more worn in my body". [
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omid
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Re: Joke of the day
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Reply #51 on:
29/03/2010 10:22:39 »
Two guys were fishing down by the Ohio River on different sides of the riverbank at night. Guy number one was catching a whole bunch of fish for his family, but guy number two hadn't caught any and was frustrated and called out to guy number one "How come you've been catching all them there fish and I ain't caught a single one?"
Guy number one replied, " I don’t know.... why don’t ya come on over here?"
"I don’t know.... I don’t see a bridge, and their aint no boat, and I don’t swim to well"
Guy number one picks up his flashlight, turns it on, and replies, " Why don’t you walk across this here beam off light?"
Guy number two was outraged and replied "do you think am stupid? When I get half way you'll turn it off!!!" [
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omid
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Re: Joke of the day
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Reply #52 on:
30/03/2010 18:24:18 »
Santa was sitting in a plane from London to Birmingham
as soon as he could see Birmingham from his seat window he starts shouting
*Birmingham, Birmingham*
an airhostess came and said " sssshhhhhhh B silent"
and Santa start shouting *irmingham irmingham* [
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omid
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Re: Joke of the day
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Reply #53 on:
31/03/2010 17:50:04 »
Teacher asked a student
Teacher: "I am beautiful", which tense is this?
Student: Past tense
Teacher: how come?
Student: because you're old now [
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omid
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Re: Joke of the day
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Reply #54 on:
01/04/2010 18:06:56 »
Harry had a bit of a drinking problem.
Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole, spent the entire evening there and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and his returned drunken state. But Harry continued his nightly routine. One day, the wife, distraught by it all, talked to a friend about her husband's behavior.The friend listened to her and then asked, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways." The wife thought it was worth trying. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. Around midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard Harry at the door and let him in. This time, instead of berating him as she had always done, she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a while, she said to him, "It's pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you?" At that, Harry replied in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble if I go home anyway!" [
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omid
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Re: Joke of the day
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Reply #55 on:
02/04/2010 19:02:06 »
An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man.
When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!" [
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omid
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Re: Joke of the day
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Reply #56 on:
03/04/2010 10:23:44 »
A passerby noticed a couple of city workers working along the city sidewalks. The man was quite impressed with their hard work, but he couldn't understand what they were doing.
Finally, he approached the workers and asked, "I appreciate how hard you're both working, but what the heck are you doing? It seems that one of you digs a hole, and then the other guy immediately fills it back up again.
One of the city workers explained, "The third guy who plants the trees is off sick today." [
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omid
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Re: Joke of the day
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Reply #57 on:
05/04/2010 11:17:16 »
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box." [
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omid
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Re: Joke of the day
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Reply #58 on:
06/04/2010 08:51:46 »
There was a student who was desirous of taking admission for a study course.
He was smart enough to get through the written test, a GD and was to appear for the personal interview. Later, as the interview progressed, the interviewer found this boy to be bright since he could answer all the questions correctly. The interviewer got impatient and decided to corner the boy.
"Tell me your choice;" said he to the boy, "What's your choice: I shall either ask you ten easy questions or ONE real difficult. Think well before you make up your mind."
The boy thought for a while and said, "My choice is ONE real difficult question."
"Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!" said the man on the opposite side. Tell me: What comes first, Day or Night?"
The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said: "It's the DAY, sir."
"How?
" the interviewer was smiling ("At last, I got you!" he said to himself.)
"Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!"
Admission for the course was thus secured. [
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omid
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Re: Joke of the day
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Reply #59 on:
07/04/2010 14:40:11 »
One day a genie appeared to a California man and offered to grant him one wish.
the man said:” I wish you'd build a bridge from here to Hawaii so I could drive there anytime"
The genie frowned" I don't know. It sounds like quite an undertaking,” he said. "Just think of the logistics. The supports required reaching the bottom of the ocean, the concrete, and the steel! Why don't you pick something else?"
The man thought for a while and then said, "Okay, I wish for a complete understanding of women- what they are thinking, why they cry. I wish I knew how to make a woman truly happy".
The genie was silent for a minute, then said "So how many lanes did you want on that bridge?" [
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