[Peter Perkins (OP)]

Pillupman.    ‘How many are you on then.’

Pillnovice.    ‘Two, in the morning, a bit of blood pressure.’

Pillupman.    ‘Nothing, and everybody’s got blood pressure. Guess how many pills I have to have every day. Go on. Guess.’

Pillnovice.    ‘Er.  Six?’

Pillupman.    ‘I wish.  Would you believe thirty-four?’  

Pillnovice.    ‘Goodness gracious.’

Pillupman.    ‘Miss one of them and I’d be down there.’

Pillnovice.    ‘In the basement?’

Pillupman.    ‘On the floor in front of you, rigid.  You’d need the poker to prise my teeth open and force one out of this box down my throat.’

Pillnovice.    ‘What are all your pills for?’

Pillupman.    ‘For a start, do you understand ‘misanthropia intermittens spurious’?

Pillnovice.    ‘No.’

Pillupman.    ‘Thought not, and that’s just a start. The doctors round here don’t even know what most of them are. See these capsules. If I don’t have four of these by half past six in the morning, it’s curtains.  Half of one of these would kill you though, I’m the only one who can have them. How are you at swallowing?’

Pillnovice.    ‘I can swallow.’

Pillupman.    ‘You’re lucky. I have to have them one at a time, after a crushed cod liver oil capsule washed down with purified water with a spoonful of glucose. Even then I’m gagging for ten minutes.’

Pillnovice.    ‘How terrible for you.’

Pillupman.    ‘Terrible?  I’ve hardly finished retching before I have to take a pint of placebo mixture and the tetralopoffacine pills, and the bimollerine pill under the tongue. The taste of that has to be experienced to be believed.  By the way can you eat your dinner?’

Pillnovice.   ‘Yes.’

Pillupman.   ‘If I take that medicine so can I. If I didn’t I’d be face down in it.  By the way, don’t touch those. Deadly those red ones.  Strongest they make. Down the surgery the other doctors come in to look at me, I ought to be dead you see.  I have to have them exactly five fifteen. Half past five and it’s  black suits all round.’

Pillnovice.   ‘I hope I don’t get that bad.’

Pillupman.   ‘You won’t. I’m the only one in the country with this.  There’s a woman in Russia got it, Lives in Omsk, or Tomsk. She’s probably only got a touch.  I’ve got it double you know  They had to develop special pills for me, at Cambridge.’

Pillnovice.   ‘Good.’

Pillupman.   ‘You may well say ‘good’.  They only keep me going you know. With a bit of luck I might have a little while.

Pillnovice..  ‘I’m glad I don’t have to take all those pills.’

Pillupman.    ‘I shouldn’t think you will. ‘If you do though, take my tip, keep it to yourself.’


Regards and best wishes for Christmas.

Peter