David Brent's office wisdom

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Offline Claire

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David Brent's office wisdom
« on: 22/10/2004 21:06:36 »
1. Eagles may soar high, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

2. Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my

3. There may be no 'I' in team, but there's a 'ME' if you look hard enough.

4. Process and Procedure are the last hiding place of people without the
and wisdom to do their job properly.

5. Remember that age and treachery will always triumph over youth and

6. Never do today that which will become someone else’s responsibility

7. Every time you open your mouth you have this wonderful ability to
continually confirm what I think.

8. Show me a good loser and I'll show you a LOSER!

9. Put the key of despair into the lock of apathy. Turn the knob of
mediocrity slowly and open the gates of despondency - welcome to a day in
the average office.

10. It's the team that matters. Where would The Beatles be without Ringo?
John got Yoko to play drums the history of music would be completely

11. What does a squirrel do in the summer? It buries nuts. Why? Cos then in
winter time he's got something to eat and he won't die. So, collecting nuts
in the summer is worthwhile work. Every task you do at work think, would a
squirrel do that? Think squirrels. Think nuts.

12. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by
reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

13. Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the

14. If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a
fork and imagine him in jail.

15. If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then
probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation.

16. You don't have to be mad to work here! In fact we ask you to complete a
medical questionnaire to ensure that you are not.

17. If you treat the people around you with love and respect, they will
never guess that you're trying to get them sacked.

18. If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.

19. You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the

20. If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for

21. Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us
who do.

22. There's no 'I' in 'team'. But then there's no 'I' in 'useless smug
colleague', either. And there's four in 'platitude-quoting idiot'. Go

23. Know your limitations and be content with them. Too much ambition
results in promotion to a job you can't do.

24. Make good use of your cylindrical filing unit, the one you mainly keep
under your desk.

25. Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and
never quit are idiots.

26. If you're gonna be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes - make it
an hour and enjoy your breakfast.

27. Remember the 3 golden rules: 1. It was like that when I got here. 2. I
didn't do it. 3. (To your Boss) I like your style.

28. The office is like an army, and I'm the field general. You're my
footsoldiers and customer quality is the WAR!!!

29. Set out to leave the first vapour trail in the blue-sky scenario.

30. Statistics are like a lamp-post to a drunken man - more for leaning on
than illumination.

31. A problem shared is a problem halved, so is your problem really yours
just half of someone else’s?

32. Is your work done? Are all pigs fed, watered and ready to fly?....

33. You don't have to be mad to work here, but you do have to be on time,
well presented, a team player, customer service focused and sober!!

34. I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was
just some b*stard with a torch, bringing me more work.

35. Avoid employing unlucky people - throw half of the pile of CVs in the
bin without reading them.