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quote:Originally posted by science_guywhere do you find these things Gaia?I laugh my butt off everytime I read your jokes. Can you help me find it?___________________________________________________________________________________I would engage you in a battle of wits, but it is against my moral code to attack the unarmed.
quote:Originally posted by GaiaThank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actuallyappeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight atCalvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.The Fasting & Prayer Conference - includes meals.The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water. " The sermontonight: "Searching for Jesus."Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in therecreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.Don't let worry kill you off -- let the Church help.Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," givingobvious pleasure to the congregation.For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all thehelp they can get.Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for moretransfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir willsing: "Break Forth Into Joy."Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in thechurch. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.Music will follow.At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition ofseveral new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to berecycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceasedperson you want remembered.Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park acrossfrom the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.Ladies' Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladiesare invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation wouldlend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.Please use large double door at the side entrance.The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."Gaia xxx
quote:Originally posted by GaiaThe Desert IslandTo lighten the gloom, herewith a story...............On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck;2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman.2 French men and 1 French woman.2 German men and 1 German woman.2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman.2 English men and 1 English woman.2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman.2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman.2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman.2 American men and 1 American woman.2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman.One month later on the same absolutely stunning deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred;One Italian man has killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.The Englishmen have tried, so far without success, to set up an escape committee and a cricket match. The Englishwoman has arranged to sleep with each of the Englishmen on alternate months, but with the proviso that they only have sex after dark, and each man promises not to tell the other about their arrangements. The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the Bulgarian woman and started to swim.The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor shop, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their business.The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps - complaining endlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, - the necessity of fulfilment, - the equal division of household chores, - how sand and palm trees make her look fat, - how her last boyfriend respected her opinions and treated her nicer than they do, - and how her relationship with her mother is improving.The two Irishmen divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they are satisfied because they don't think the English are having much fun.Gaia xxx
quote:Originally posted by sharkeyandgeorgea man is sailing round the world and crashes on a desert island with only a pig and a dog for company after a couple of months he is so desperate for sex that he decides he just has too shag something and starts sneeking up on the pig but as he starts to get into position the dog bites him on the arse and runs away, this continues for months every time the man feels amourous the dog bites just as he gets started and ruins it until finally many months later the man sees another boat floundering out on the rock and swims out and rescues a stunning blond girl who whisper in his ear."thank god for you, for saving my life I will do ANYTHING you want"the man turns to her with a tear in his eye and replies"please....please....please take that ****ing dog for a walk!"