[Karen W. (OP)]

I don't think girlie cats pee in that way at all. I've had a succeession of cats, toms and er, lady cats (?). It's only the toms that spray if they've not been neutered.

That is precisely why I want a girlie cat, as they don't spray! LOL

[Karen W. (OP)]

I don't think girlie cats pee in that way at all. I've had a succeession of cats, toms and er, lady cats (?). It's only the toms that spray if they've not been neutered.

That is precisely why I want a girlie cat, as they don't spray! LOL

I said as much becaue there were a couple times when a new female came to reside that my old fixed female would pee on things just because it was her area.. I was of course reading her mind! LOL

[Karen W. (OP)]

Well today the Chimpanzee Bill died. He was Older then me and had lived here inn our LOcal zoo for my whole life! I loved him... I feel like I lost my brother....Silly , how people attach themselves to pets and animals that fill their lives with laughter and joy and sadness, and memeories.. I will will miss bill a LOt. I have been visiting him weekly since I was a baby.. sometimes I would get in trouble cause my family would say where have you been so long...?I just said what's it matter..They'd think I was nuts, maybe they were right,,,I can't believe it... My brother Tim was merciless and was always teasing BIll, I remember him reaching down and grabbing a handful of POO,,Hee,Hee, and sailing it through the bars, clocked me brother twice up side of his head with a couple nice fresh piles.. ha ha ha ha ha ha...I loved that chimp....

[Karen W. (OP)]

It's dark..there are  clouds outside. It was 8o degrees all day . sun was out until noon.. then it clouded over.. started to rain and it was still 80 degrees outside it was muggy and hot.. and sticky like last year around this time.. I remember a bit of a heat wave for my UK friends.. It was hot like here today its been hot for days now.
I really want a new kitty. I miss my job my students, my work..my life.. I don't know what to do with myself,,walks puzzles reading..more walks feet up. more reading here..

My friend moved away.. She got a cool place with her husband and daughter..in Oregon.I am happy for her. I miss her.

My kitchen stove broke on thanksgiving last fall so I have not had a cook stove since then.. so I bought one today.. Works good.. Cooked a roast.. it was great..
 wish I had something interesting floating around in my head, but I am not very interesting. was thinking how much I wish I could get down into the woods to my old favorite spot.. a little waterfall coming from a underground spring next to my home..There were trilliums and blue bells in the spring. The bushes have all grown over, and the trail is long since gone. I used to go sit there as a girl when I was scared of my step Dad.. It was green and lush and safe.. It was quiet, I could belt out my favorite songs or sing the saddest ones. I would stay there for hours sometimes into the night .. I would sneak a blanket out and sleep there by the water.. I could see the moon and the stars shining down through the tree's ..stars twinkling and playing peekaboo with the branches of the big redwoods that were around me.. There was this one great big Oak tree at the head of the falls, I would climb up close to it and sleep.. There were these old buried wrecked cars that had forest growing over them . they were covered with loads of dirt and everything grew over the top.. there were three side by side.. if it was really cold I would crawl through the brush and climb into that first old car and pull the door shut and sleep inside of it.. All of kids hid there sometimes it was safe...


I remember that spot tonight.. How safe it made me feel when I was small. I wish I could go there again..

[Karen W. (OP)]

It has been a day. I am on overload.Everything I ever thought was true in my marriage has been all scrambled up.. even things I thought I could salvage. I don't know what I am feeling.. anger, fear, worry, so many emotions going through my head ..things I cannot speak of..secrets that must remain from my children as they are not my place to reveal..I have been searching my soul..trying to understand... 28 years and the man I thought I knew...is not who I thought he was..I am so confused.I thought that all these years I was so ugly that he just didn't want me....I have felt unloved inadequate Stupid, unattractive...undesirable. Everything I wanted to feel, that one should feel at some time or another was never there.

Now I am confused and hurt.. I do not know what's left.. I am so lost right now, I think beyond reach..I don't know how to respond or help him or me anymore. It's beyond my understanding right now.. and I can feel things shutting down... I can't think straight about anything....he was here earlier and stood in front of me and I just froze.. waiting for him to say well everything will be alright..but he just looked at me blankly as if his eyes were vacant and he was lost too. He stood for what seemed like forever looking through me waiting for me as if I could read his mind.. I wanted to hug him and make it better but.. I couldn't move I just sat there and couldn't move.. tears were rolling and he turned and walked away.I don't know what reality is anymore.. life feels like a big game..so many feelings and I don't understand anything. Maybe I never have or never will.

[Karen W. (OP)]

I spent the day yesterday posting and chatting with Ryan. I ran a fever all day. Wasn't feeling great but was ok. Rob came by around 5 to pick me up for the parade.. of course I was not ready cause the parade was not until 7:00 pm. LOL! So He watched TV while I curled my hair and changed from my night gown and robe to my clothes! LOL.. Its funny how we take for granted silly things like changing our clothes.. By the time I curled my hair I felt like I had run a city block just standing in one place.

Then getting my clothes changed was interesting.. I was out of breath by the time I made it to my shoes. So then of course I got sick had dry heaves and had to sit down for a few minutes.

Well by 6:15 I was ready..LOL pants rain boots scarf hat and gloves as it was raining and very windy. By the time we made it half way the rain had slowed to a light soft rain and the wind was mild. The sun had gone down well before. Rob pulled up to the bank in ferndale on the corner the parade would start and dropped me off as he had to park several blocks away.

The lights were beautiful in all the shops and the water from the rain made them sparkle and glisten even more. There were hundreds of people lining the streets with children laughing and full of excitement. The air was very crisp and it was cold. The wind we did have cutting through me like a knife! Brrrrrrr!

 I stood on the corner waiting for Bob for about twenty minutes , apparently the rain had delayed the parade people were having trouble with their light displays! LOL A few had half lit displays as their water problems had shorted some strings out! LOL..

We took many pictures but many were blurry, After a bit, I had to sit down and Bob took pictures too. We had to laugh as the young boys driving some of the tractors were driving so fast the camera flash was to slow to fire off second shots and some looked like brightly colored blurrs!

A good description of parts of my life. We decided to walk up the street to the big lit tree. Just crossing the street was hard. We had to stop and take pictures of window displays so I could rest. The people hustling by brought me to mind once again How much I took for granted. I love people hustle and bustle of Christmas but Last night was the longest walk I have had in my life. Every few steps I was winded into the first block I had to grab a street lamp. and I thanked god for the street lamp... waves of nausea spread over me.. and I waited feeling foolish hugging a lamp and retching with no air. It was so simple a task.. and I was failing miserably. Coughing like  someone with cancer..We walked some more and were still blocks away from the tree and Bob had to leave me behind and go on and take pictures and come back I had made about 4 or 5 blocks before I had to completely stop and we were walking in snail mode.
We crossed the street going back and it took us twice the time to get back to the bank corner. He said he would go get the car but I was afraid for him to leave me there the way I was. I was too shaky and still had dry heaves..... I sat back against the wet window ledge and we rested for twenty or so minutes.. Then we began the walk to the van..Robert got scared... but I told him to shut up and quite making me talk as it made it worse.. Every minute he would say .. are you ok tell me whats happening.. ? I wanted to clobber him.. I couldn't talk walk at the same time. It took forever to get to the Van then we sat for a long time  admiring the floats as they passed by the van on there ways back to the barns...The lights were wonderful. I was glad we seen them this year again. It is my favorite time of year.

We stopped and after I felt better we ate dinner in a Denny's and drove back 45 minute drive home.

I am so grateful for all the beautiful things I have seen in my life and simple things like walking to the loo or getting dressed and walking a few city blocks. I am thankful That even though it was hard I did it and even though it was not what it used to be ... at least there was something!

It hurt but I felt it! To feel things is good..It was good to breath in the cold air and feel the wind cutting through me like a knife.. To see people smiling and hear children laughing and crying..To see life happening around me and to realize that this was all part of life.. hurt pain joy elation happiness sadness and sorrow.How lucky we are to experience these things in any condition. How lucky we are that somewhere within ourselves we have these wonderful feelings and emotions and desires to live and see new things, meet new people, learn new things, and to learn to love the things we have been given and make the best of what we have. Life is a precious precious gift and sometimes we forget just how precious the smallest things can be.... and sometimes I think we need to remember to be Grateful for all the little things that make our world and our lives so wonderful..Its like each of us are a piece of a huge puzzle we all are part of each other, if one piece is removed from the heart of the puzzle the remaining pieces are still joined together to be strong and of support for all the others and life goes on with wonderful laughter and smiles and joy..memories. It is a beautiful thing life is.... Last night I saw how beautiful! Lets not take a single day for granted. Smile and enjoy every moment of your lives, Cause you just don't know how quickly it can all just disappear.Hugs all you wonderful Beautiful people in My world!

[Karen W. (OP)]

Well here I am again... 4:55 am.. Having trouble sleeping again..... went to dinner with a couple we have known for many many years.. We had Italian food. It was good!

Visited a while at their house until Midnight. They are going to chauffeur me to Stanford medical when my appointments are all arranged.. Everyone tells me Stanford is one of the best! I hope they are ... I am counting on the best!

I will know this week, I hope, what the dates will be. I suspect I will go down for testing first. As I understand it, they do their own diagnostics... I suspect I will make a second trip, unless they decide to do everything in one swoop. I don't know. They said they don't want to operate here, because I am a high risk. Wouldn't it be better to do it now before I get worse! Although I feel like if it gets worse I am history! Anyway we will see soon. It makes me really nervous.. I am so confused as over the last two years they have treated me for tons of things and still have no positive diagnosis.. I have multiple problems and they don't know where it is coming from.. so I am aware of many of the problems but not of a firm confirmation of one particular problem causing all the problems...

I just close my eyes a lot lately.. cause there is so much wrong.. I can't handle it well sometimes.

You know.. I was never a drinker, oh I have tried a glass or two and recently a couple months ago went a round with  some alcohol one night, maybe trying to forget for a while but instead made myself sicker, and even more depressed then I already was, so none of that... I was embarrassed after the fact! But my point being I have always went for help, when I needed it, and always tried to be healthy, no smoking, drugs, etc.. was very conscious of trying to stay healthy... except that I let my weight get out of hand...BIG BIG BIG MISTAKE!  My Doctor said, that my weight has not caused my heart problems that they were congenital and that my weight right now was making them worse as it was putting stress on the heart which is just worn out. 

It looks like I need new valves and two aneurysms fixed, so I am assuming that when they replace the aorta valve that they will also address the aneurysms at the same time as well the left ventricle that is messed up!  I don't know what they will say at Stanford or what my chance for survival will be.. As Stated to me I am high risk and these procedures will leave me with a less then 50% chance of survival if they decide to move on it and do it... So they say here in Humboldt.. thats why I want a new opinion from Stanford they have all the newest technology new doctors trained in newest technological skills they have cardiovascular surgeons who I am told are top notch.. Some of my procedures can hopefully be done via the artery unless the cut me for the valves.. how could they replace a valve without incisions, surely they cannot do that within arteries etc?

Anyway you see where my head is.. I have gotten quite scared,  now that they have decided to ship me away!

Probably why I can't sleep tonight.

I am just nervous. I read something very good today it was one of those email ditties .. You know forward this. This was a boogie woogie one.. supposed to have music but I could not get the music to work for me.. but the words in the mail really hit me... one of the quotes said something like...

"You have NOT fulfilled YOUR purpose in LIFE if YOU are STILL living!!"

That hit me weird cause I thought I was done... So maybe there is something more left for me to do. I just don't know what that might be....

Oh well.. what will be will be and I need to just relax..... LOL Yeah right!

Oh well boring morning and I need to try again to sleep soon.

Hugs you all...

[Karen W. (OP)]

Well It is almost midnight and I have been listening to a movie going on behind my back..in Spanish much of it! I have cleaned the keyboard and cried over my Pitbull and am just frustrated. Some tired so that doesn't help!

I seem to be just a tad over emotional tonight... I wish I could turn that part off sometimes but I know it only serves to help me..

Tried to write some but my mind is really in a hole.. I really am feeling rather scattered as of late.. like there is nothing in life that's certain and I guess I just really hate that... I want something in my life to be strong and stable... but right now there is nothing... not love or family or health or friends.. lol..

My sister in Oregon just had a spinal biopsy and a large mass removed from the base of her spine.. they could not get it all..They said that it had grown in around many nerves and her lower spine and it was to dangerous to try to remove the whole thing.. She is waiting to see if it is cancerous we should know right away. They have found two more one being the size of a small baseball but in her breasts.. She will have two more biopsies coming right up!
It worries me that she is so ill also..

She is this itsy bitty 4 ft 9 inch squirt with blond hair and a lot of piss and vinegar... She is ornery as heck! Almost three years younger then myself.. she was number six of seven!

Well I am thirsty and going to crack open a can of Sierra Mist Free.. Yummmmy.. only diet soda I can handle if cold no after taste noticeable to me and that's good!Nice and cold!

My throat  lungs are sore from coughing... been coughing again for weeks.. after last hospital stay.. I have been coughing up blood so I think I may have an infection in my lungs.. no blood in nose secretions but lots in the deep coughs that tend to strangle you coming out with all that thick chunky nasty green phlegm.. and blood..
Probably got a case of bronchitis...  I an sore from coughing feel like I pulled something loose down under my right rib cage.. I coughed had a really sharp pain and what lingered like a cramp feeling with sharp pain in the muscle.... it has not gone away for 4 days.. I have a large lump protruding there on my yummy it feels very tender..

Probably nothing but a strained muscle.. I have an appointment on the 11th.. so I will find out... unless it disappears by then..

The weather is rather decent today and about 40 degrees in arcata.. so about 34 35 here I suppose usually 7 t0 10 degrees different here..

Hey the sun was nice today ... and I could not find a walking partner today.. to practice for a 2 mile walk on march 8th! We will see if I make it!

I hope you all are well!

[Chemistry4me]

I am saddened to hear about the condition that you are in [][]
I hope that you will feel better very very soon. Best Wishes from me Karen W.

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Btw, I didn't even know this thread existed  []
it could come in handy...

[Karen W. (OP)]

Don't be saddened I am fine.. don"t you ever get sick?.. I caught a cold several weeks ago.. and it just has not left me yet.. It will get better no doubt! No worries..

Hey its the rattle on thread.. but not many rattle but me.. I am a big chatterbox.... LOL PLease do feel free to add to the thread!
Thanks for your kind words .. but be assured I am good. Just bored!

[Chemistry4me]

Haha, it is very good to hear that you're okay. I'm bored too, there is nothing good on TV [] Do I get sick? Well, not usually, I am lucky to possess a fairly good immunity system. But recently I have been bitten by some weird bug (I think they're flea bites), one on me arm, one on my finger, and two on my legs, they are not very itchy but at their worst, they were very very very swollen and my arm looked like someone had driven a truck over it. Now, they are going down and I can hardly see them anymore.

[Karen W. (OP)]

 Hee hee.. you reminded me of Ryan in that post! LOL....

There is rarely anything good on tv.. I hate watching it alone. I listen while on the computer! Jr. is on with Danny Devito and Arnold Shwartzenegger.. kinda funny...

I get bored easily!

Well if its hot there and humid, You may very well have mosquito bites they itch and can cause swelling too!

[Chemistry4me]

Well, I am sitting at the computer and listening to a podcast, so at least I am learning something! []
Do you like any sports Karen W.?

[Karen W. (OP)]

I like listening to at times... but mostly in the day time.. the night time I am usually trying to be more active to help me get sleepy... doesn't work very good but sometimes..


I like badmitten.. softball, croquet, LOL just can't do them anymore..but not a huge sports fan but all my kids are!

[Chemistry4me]

Pretty quite today huh? No frenzy activity...although there hardly is at this time of the day anyway...

[Karen W. (OP)]

Yes It is too quiet and lonesome round here.. where you suppose everyone is...

[Chemistry4me]

Hey, some life at last!
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Everyone is in bed...zzzzz

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Unless they're all at the beach...

[Chemistry4me]

This hour and the next always seems to be a blind spot where hardly anyone is online, but for the other 22 hours theres always people on at some time or other.

[Karen W. (OP)]

Yes I guess its too early for me.... yes it gets better in a few hours...

Sorry I was reading old threads and posting in Hadrian's forum also!

[Karen W. (OP)]

Yeah about 7 am London time things pick up some!