Punning is hard(ly) work! Is groaning aloud here?

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #1700 on: 19/12/2011 00:26:43 »

How can he be impaired if he's drinking alone?  [???]


Donnah!

"How can he be impaired?" you ask?

Well....when we were together once, he spilled a drink on my shirt and said, "this one is on me."

Impaired I say! Off with his head!


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Offline Don_1

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #1701 on: 20/12/2011 12:00:48 »


.... he spilled a drink on my shirt and said, "this one is on me."


Shouldn't he have said, 'this one is on you'???


 Off with his head!


So, we are back to that business again, are we. De cap it ain't shunned after all.
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline Don_1

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #1702 on: 20/12/2011 12:41:38 »
Dear Donnah, Demo and other members of the TNS Punnster Society,

I am sure that as the fester festive season approaches, yule log on to demonstrate your abilities in the art of punning.

Can I please request that do not come up with any turkeys, but rather make your presents felt with only the most treemendous examples of celebratory puns. Be sure an gel your puns together in fine TNS fashion, rather than stuffing us with mere trifles. May I also remind you that pudding the donkey before the cart can lead to confusion.

I am sure you wise men and women will ensure that you shepherd your words together in a most conducive manner. The gift of the Gab, real as it may be, is only bestowed on the few, and you are privileged to be stable members among them, stars in your own write rite right left (Bugger it.)

We look forward to hearing from Carol, though sometimes her hum bugs us,  and to a nice hot cuppa from Demo, he brews a good pot of tea, and itS Ann ta supply the mince pies this year.

Wishing you all the breast for the new year,

‘er indoors and Don_1 two to too .
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline SeanB

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #1703 on: 20/12/2011 19:52:34 »
If you toad them, will they croak?

Was watching youtoob, saw a video of a Peruvian "aphrodisiac"  smoothie that involved a stunned frog, and some herbs, and further work that was supplied by a certain company whose motto is "Will it blend?"...........  Not for me that is!

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #1704 on: 22/12/2011 07:20:27 »

Make your presents felt.
 

I tried wrapping Christmas presents, but I didn't have the gift.


Pudding the donkey before the cart can lead to confusion.


Pretty strong donkey! That's one way of pudding it.


Shepherd your words together in a most conducive manner.


Shepherds don't talk much because their work is past-oral.





« Last Edit: 22/12/2011 07:24:06 by demografx »

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Offline Don_1

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #1705 on: 22/12/2011 09:00:38 »

I tried wrapping Christmas presents, but I didn't have the gift.

Shepherds don't talk much because their work is past-oral.


A couple of corkers there Demo!

Do I need to explain them to others? No ëlaboration needed.
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #1706 on: 22/12/2011 19:45:05 »

The last time an imp aired his views to me...


I knew the little guy was going to play a prank on me, because of my sense of imp portents.


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Offline SeanB

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #1707 on: 22/12/2011 20:03:19 »
Arte you sure it was a prank, or am I as thick as 2 short?

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #1708 on: 23/12/2011 00:53:25 »

Are you sure it was a prank, or am I as thick as 2 short?


Maybe you are just thick and tired of it all?
« Last Edit: 28/12/2011 03:47:41 by demografx »

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #1709 on: 23/12/2011 01:13:09 »


.... he spilled a drink on my shirt and said, "this one is on me."


Shouldn't he have said, 'this one is on you'???


I consulted Emily Post on correct manners in situations such as this!

He should have said - in proper drawing room discussion style - "This one [joke] is on us".


« Last Edit: 23/12/2011 01:18:18 by demografx »

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Offline Don_1

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #1710 on: 23/12/2011 11:06:21 »
Well folks, I'm off for Xmas now.

Never mind, I'm sure someone will have bought me some soap-on-a-rope & depongarant! So I shouldn't be off for too long! Until I eat some brussells, that is, then I'll be off again.

HAVE HAPPY HOLIDAY EVERYBODY AND SALT & PEPER (condiments) OF THE SEASON.
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #1711 on: 23/12/2011 21:49:25 »

                                         

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Offline daveman

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #1712 on: 27/12/2011 23:16:13 »
Wealth an ewe ear isawn the whore izon.

Sew ha pino ear tuyoo wall!
How does Murphey do it??

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #1713 on: 28/12/2011 03:17:39 »

Wealth an ewe ear isawn the whore izon.

Sew ha pino ear tuyoo wall!



Y than kyu so kindle ee fore tha tree mark!

Ewe arse oh so thaw t-fool!!
« Last Edit: 28/12/2011 03:52:37 by demografx »

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #1714 on: 28/12/2011 03:31:39 »

Well folks, I'm off for Xmas now.






I thought you were off year-round?

« Last Edit: 28/12/2011 03:40:00 by demografx »

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #1715 on: 31/12/2011 03:35:26 »




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Offline Don_1

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #1716 on: 31/12/2011 18:27:29 »

Well folks, I'm off for Xmas now.






I thought you were off year-round?




I swear it was just my socks!
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline Don_1

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #1717 on: 31/12/2011 18:32:44 »





I'll second that.

See you all in 2012 folks.

2012 the year of the London Olympics..........
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #1718 on: 01/01/2012 10:01:43 »

HAVE A HAPPY HOLIDAY EVERYBODY AND SALT & PEPPER (condiments) OF THE SEASON.


Yes, I'm also a firm believer in safe sex.



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Offline SeanB

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #1719 on: 01/01/2012 18:08:38 »
Demo, for you, safe sex is not taking those little blue pills a half hour before........... [:)]

Though of course then the whole thing is a whole lot of talk, and very small and lack of action - spirit is willing but he will not be spirited. Or more to it, up to the task at hand.

Or so I have been told, [;)] not exactly having watched "those kind" of home movies, kinda in the spirit of liking F1 a little, but not liking the clash of the cabbages.....

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #1720 on: 02/01/2012 05:10:19 »

...the clash of the cabbages.....


1.   If you plant the cabbage first, it will have a head start.

2.   Cabbage should be eaten raw. In fact, that's Cole's Law.

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Offline SeanB

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #1721 on: 02/01/2012 07:14:33 »
Cabbage, was he the cousin of Charles Babbage?

Did he not invent and build the computer, in the age where you would be hard pressed to get 2 screws that matched.

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #1722 on: 10/01/2012 13:09:42 »




Today, January 10, is
Save The Eagle Day!

Its amazing how eagles catch their prey, they must be really talonted.

The eagles club formed an add hawk committee.

An eagle and a hawk had a difference of a pinion.

Nature reserves are an eagle opportunity employer.
 




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Offline Don_1

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #1723 on: 11/01/2012 14:02:46 »
I had to show this to some friends, it gave them quite a buzz, hardly had they finished reading it when Perry grinned and Harry, er, well he went into raptorous fits of laughter, ho hoing, ha haing and haw hawking around on the floor.

I really must show it to Dame Anna Neagle. Griffon (given) the price of a ticket, can anyone write me a KITE for the bus fare?

I suppose I could go to church and ask God for the money....... 'Let os prey.

Gosh awkward for an atheist!
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline Don_1

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #1724 on: 11/01/2012 14:10:32 »
In a break from the puns, here's a malapropism:-

I went to the Doctor on the pretext of 'mens problems' on December 14th.

Doctor - Come in and sit down. What seems to be the trouble?
Me - Thank you Doc. First may I wish you a happy new year.
Doctor - Ah! Say no more. I know what your trouble is, you suffer from premature congratulations.
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline Don_1

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #1725 on: 12/01/2012 15:09:09 »
In a break from the puns, here's a malapropism:-

I went to the Doctor on the pretext of 'mens problems' on December 14th.

Doctor - Come in and sit down. What seems to be the trouble?
Me - Thank you Doc. First may I wish you a happy new year.
Doctor - Ah! Say no more. I know what your trouble is, you suffer from premature congratulations.

Just a min....... on second thoughts, that's not really a malapropism at all, is it?

The trouble is, (back to the puns) I don't usually know what I'm falcon talkin' about.
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #1726 on: 13/01/2012 14:25:31 »



Can anyone write me a KITE for the bus fare?



« Last Edit: 13/01/2012 14:27:30 by demografx »

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #1727 on: 13/01/2012 14:31:24 »
In a break from the puns, here's a malapropism:-

I went to the Doctor on the pretext of 'mens problems' on December 14th.

Doctor - Come in and sit down. What seems to be the trouble?
Me - Thank you Doc. First may I wish you a happy new year.
Doctor - Ah! Say no more. I know what your trouble is, you suffer from premature congratulations.





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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #1728 on: 14/01/2012 22:02:39 »





I don't usually know what I'm falcon talkin' about.




Ok! Here's your falcon award, now quit buggin' me already! :)


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Offline Donnah

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #1729 on: 17/01/2012 00:26:53 »
I've been hunting for a falcon award.
"Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms." - Audrey Hepburn

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #1730 on: 18/01/2012 01:33:54 »

I've been hunting for a falcon award.





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Offline Don_1

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #1731 on: 18/01/2012 13:23:05 »
Will you two stop falcon about. I'm begining to regret using that pun. You're just orking a load of old rubbish. Get back to the serious business of punning, or I'll send a bird of prey after the pair of you, and when raptors fly, terror soars on high.
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #1732 on: 18/01/2012 20:00:09 »




Will you two stop falcon about. I'm begining to regret using that pun. You're just orking a load of old rubbish. Get back to the serious business of punning, or I'll send a bird of prey after the pair of you, and when raptors fly, terror soars on high.


Now look here, Don, just because a crow is a four-letter bird, that doesn't give you the right to call a baby bird novelist a fledgling author!



 

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Offline Donnah

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #1733 on: 19/01/2012 05:02:38 »
Gosh, I didn't mean to ruffle any feathers by beaking off, I just thought I'd fly the idea by you
"Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms." - Audrey Hepburn

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Offline Don_1

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #1734 on: 19/01/2012 11:43:35 »

 a fledgling author!
 

I think that at your age, you author know better than to go into such a flight of fantasy.
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline Don_1

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #1735 on: 19/01/2012 11:47:38 »
....... I just thought I'd fly the idea by you

"I've just had an eye dear". Said King Harold to the Queen.
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline Don_1

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #1736 on: 20/01/2012 13:01:36 »
Good Grief Demo, you've clocked up 6666 posts. Does this make you one (or six) better than the devil?

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 Reply #1733 on: 18/01/2012 20:00:09
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline Donnah

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #1737 on: 22/01/2012 07:02:44 »
I think it means you'd have a devil of a time making that many posts.
"Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms." - Audrey Hepburn

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #1738 on: 22/01/2012 19:12:37 »

Donnah, men should never swear at their hairpiece or they will have the devil toupée!
« Last Edit: 22/01/2012 19:32:51 by demografx »

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #1739 on: 22/01/2012 19:15:55 »

Good Grief Demo, you've clocked up 6666 posts. Does this make you one (or six) better than the devil?

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Don, this is exactly why we can't let evil people have flutes.

Because then the terrorists woodwind.
« Last Edit: 23/01/2012 03:32:00 by demografx »

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #1740 on: 22/01/2012 19:18:58 »





....... I just thought I'd fly the idea by you


"I've just had an eye dear". Said King Harold to the Queen.


I stole someone else's idea for a stage drama.

Does that make me a playgiarist????
« Last Edit: 23/01/2012 23:18:29 by demografx »

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #1741 on: 22/01/2012 19:35:57 »

 a fledgling author!
 

I think that at your age, you author know better than to go into such a flight of fantasy.


Oh, c'mon, Don! Do you really think I have any author choice???

« Last Edit: 24/01/2012 05:37:40 by demografx »

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #1742 on: 22/01/2012 19:39:31 »




Gosh, I didn't mean to ruffle any feathers by beaking off, I just thought I'd fly the idea by you


Donnah, it's insane the way you collect large bird feathers.

It's just plume crazy.



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Offline Donnah

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #1743 on: 22/01/2012 22:23:05 »
Not for an old crow like me.
"Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms." - Audrey Hepburn

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #1744 on: 23/01/2012 03:16:12 »

Not for an old crow like me.


We found a dead crow in our front yard but have yet to hear the caws of death.

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Offline Donnah

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #1745 on: 23/01/2012 03:49:41 »
I bet the caws is that the crow's spirit has flown.
"Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms." - Audrey Hepburn

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #1746 on: 23/01/2012 07:25:37 »

I bet the caws is that the crow's spirit has flown.



Could be. I do know that the crow always carried some rum above its head, because it needed to lift its spirits.

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Offline Don_1

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #1747 on: 23/01/2012 08:00:45 »
What are you two raven on about now?
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline Don_1

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #1748 on: 23/01/2012 08:13:40 »

I stole someone else's idea for a stage drama.


Was it about some early seafares? You should have turned it into a comedy film; I can see the billboards now:

Staring Sid James, Kenneth Williams, Kenneth Connor, Babs Windsor, Joan Simms, Bernard Bresslaw and Charles Hawtrey.

A Peter Rodgers Production. Directed by Gerald Thomas

Carrion up the Crows Nest.
« Last Edit: 23/01/2012 08:17:21 by Don_1 »
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #1749 on: 23/01/2012 15:51:27 »



I stole someone else's idea for a stage drama.


Was it about some early seafares? You should have turned it into a comedy film; I can see the billboards now:

Starring Sid James, Kenneth Williams, Kenneth Connor, Babs Windsor, Joan Simms, Bernard Bresslaw and Charles Hawtrey.

A Peter Rodgers Production. Directed by Gerald Thomas

Carrion up the Crows Nest.



Unfortunately, this might not turn out too well for Don: I sincerely hope he realizes - that in all his enthusiasm for this Production - in Don's international traveling to promote said comedy film, the airlines will only allow him a limited number of carrion items per passenger!


« Last Edit: 24/01/2012 00:00:05 by demografx »