Punning is hard(ly) work! Is groaning aloud here?

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Offline Donnah

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2000 on: 27/03/2012 02:56:24 »
Bar gin.  Bin there.
"Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms." - Audrey Hepburn

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2001 on: 27/03/2012 02:58:58 »
Done vat.

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2002 on: 27/03/2012 05:51:00 »

Award ceremony speech pre-edit:

Don_1 is hereby abduc...inducted into The Alcohol Of Fame!!


                           
« Last Edit: 27/03/2012 08:39:33 by demografx »

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2003 on: 27/03/2012 07:52:18 »

"I stole an invention and then told patent lies."

I hope you don't mind if I copy righting you have already done, but it took me a while to understand this, then it finally registered. Copying is not normally part of my trade, mark my words.



Why this infringement on our ight to copy or plagiarize ideas with abandon?

Or is the idea now to say, "Oh, don't worry, I'll get around to it orrow. Or whenever."?


Let's work this out like gentlemen. Please have your barrister/lawyer call my lawyer at 1-800-LET'S-SUE*.


*Toll free - applies to Dominican Republic only. Elsewhere, outrageous, illegal, ultra-usurious charges apply. This cleverly disguised "toll free call" (haha) is not intended to be a blatant scam for my personal profit. Like my own little piggy bank. Oh no! It is merely there to help defray my legal expenses in a disgustingly litigious society such as ours. See you all in court!

« Last Edit: 28/03/2012 01:38:02 by demografx »

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2004 on: 27/03/2012 09:10:43 »




The Alcohol Of Fame could use a mascot...hmmm...do you have his phone number at the bar?

Might he work for bar nuts?

« Last Edit: 27/03/2012 09:15:25 by demografx »

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Offline Don_1

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2005 on: 27/03/2012 10:44:23 »
Need his phone number eh? Don't worry, ah mond the case, just been pecan in the directory, but no luck there. Just in cash ew are worried, hey, zel time to find it.

Last I heard of him, his wife was having trouble with a particular undergarment. She said "Oh dear, my bra's ill." and made a bolt for the door.
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2006 on: 28/03/2012 01:30:47 »
Is that it in a nutshell? That's the nuttiest thing I ever heard. Bolt who am I to question your credentials?

Almond joying myself.
« Last Edit: 28/03/2012 03:05:32 by demografx »

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Offline Don_1

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2007 on: 28/03/2012 10:04:01 »
I used to like that diving couple, you may remember them, Almond & Michaela Denis.

Hmmm...... I seem to crossthreaded myself......... Soaked nuts anybody?
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2008 on: 28/03/2012 16:33:34 »

Hmmm...... I seem to crossthreaded myself.........


It's contagious, I tell you!


An elderly gent walked into an ice cream parlour and struggled to the counter. "Give me a chocolate sundae please." He said to the girl serving. She asked him "Crushed nuts Grandpa?" He replied, "No, rheumatism."


Yeah, no rheum at the inn, either!
« Last Edit: 28/03/2012 16:37:49 by demografx »

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Offline Don_1

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2009 on: 29/03/2012 10:14:07 »
Joseph asked the inn keeper if he had a room for the night. "No," said the inn keeper, "all my rooms are taken." Joseph pleaded with inn keeper, "But my wife is pregnant and close to labour, she must have somewhere safe and warm to rest." "I haven't got a room spare." The inn keeper retorted.

Mary turned to Joseph and said "See, no rheum, ah toid you to book in advance, but would you? No. 'There'll be plenty of space' you said......(nag, nag, nag, nag)".

The inn keeper's son, Arthur, said "Pregnant eh? Desperate eh? Right, you can bed down in the stable for 3 shekels each." Joseph handed over 6 shekels and the inn keeper's son said, "There'll be another 3 shekels to pay if your wife has the baby, 'cause then there'll be 3 of you."

The inn keeper said "aths ma boy! Arthur, rit is down in the register."

Joseph complained "chor! la rent is high here."

Mary, tired and hungry, looked at the stable and said, "A sight for psor ias is that stable."

Later that night, the angel Enza descended from heaven and knocked on the stable window. Joseph openned the window and in flew Enza. Joseph said to Enza "I'm charging you a 7 shekel fee ver coming into our stable". Enza paid up and buggered off, shouting at Joseph, "Can sir justify these exorbitant charges?"

Mary gave birth to a baby boy and they named him after Grandpa Cohen ...........Manny.

Here the story endeth.


Apologies to Christians for poking fun at your beliefs. No malice intended.
« Last Edit: 29/03/2012 10:21:39 by Don_1 »
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2010 on: 29/03/2012 23:41:53 »

Apologies to Christians for poking fun at your beliefs. No malice intended.




Don't worry, Don!

Just use that portable pocket cooling fan I sent you for Xmas!!

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Offline Don_1

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2011 on: 30/03/2012 09:45:43 »
YIKES!!! I'm off out 'a here......


[attachment=16244]
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2012 on: 30/03/2012 15:55:42 »
« Last Edit: 30/03/2012 19:53:52 by demografx »

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2013 on: 31/03/2012 22:57:01 »
Joseph asked the inn keeper if he had a room for the night. "No," said the inn keeper, "all my rooms are taken." Joseph pleaded with inn keeper, "But my wife is pregnant and close to labour, she must have somewhere safe and warm to rest." "I haven't got a room spare." The inn keeper retorted.

Mary turned to Joseph and said "See, no rheum, ah toid you to book in advance, but would you? No. 'There'll be plenty of space' you said......(nag, nag, nag, nag)".

The inn keeper's son, Arthur, said "Pregnant eh? Desperate eh? Right, you can bed down in the stable for 3 shekels each." Joseph handed over 6 shekels and the inn keeper's son said, "There'll be another 3 shekels to pay if your wife has the baby, 'cause then there'll be 3 of you."

The inn keeper said "aths ma boy! Arthur, rit is down in the register."

Joseph complained "chor! la rent is high here."

Mary, tired and hungry, looked at the stable and said, "A sight for psor ias is that stable."

Later that night, the angel Enza descended from heaven and knocked on the stable window. Joseph openned the window and in flew Enza. Joseph said to Enza "I'm charging you a 7 shekel fee ver coming into our stable". Enza paid up and buggered off, shouting at Joseph, "Can sir justify these exorbitant charges?"

Mary gave birth to a baby boy and they named him after Grandpa Cohen ...........Manny.

Here the story endeth.


Apologies to Christians for poking fun at your beliefs. No malice intended.



Don_1 is unstoppable! (And funny!)
« Last Edit: 31/03/2012 23:00:16 by demografx »

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2014 on: 31/03/2012 22:57:44 »

April 1 is
April Fools  or All Fools Day


I just saw gasoline selling for one dollar (£0.63) a gallon, but then I realized it's just an April fuel's joke.



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Offline Don_1

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2015 on: 01/04/2012 12:02:32 »

I just saw gasoline selling for one dollar (£0.63) a gallon, but then I realized it's just an April fuel's joke.


I had to get some petrol (gas), so I said to the attendant, "Fuel it up, 10ltrs."

He said, "Shell?"

"No!" Exclaimed I, "Unleaded!"

He said, after filling, "That'll be £67 please."

"WHAT!? I said 10 ltrs."

"Sorry, I thought you said fill it up."

"NO NO NO, you burk! FUEL it up, fuel!!!!"

"Its ok sir", said he, "April fool, I only put in 10 ltrs really."

But I had the last laugh, I paid the £67 he asked for. "Now who's the April fool?" said I.


April 1 is
April Fools  or All Fools Day


Its not my birthday today. Is it???

If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2016 on: 01/04/2012 17:53:57 »


You "had the last laugh"!!!! Haha!
« Last Edit: 02/04/2012 02:42:08 by demografx »

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Offline Donnah

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2017 on: 02/04/2012 02:01:58 »
Here in Canada the oil companies play April fuel's jokes on us all year 'round!
"Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms." - Audrey Hepburn

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2018 on: 02/04/2012 11:12:54 »

Here in Canada the oil companies play April fuel's jokes on us all year 'round!


Yes, it's a shame.

And Canadian oil executives are always using crude language.
« Last Edit: 02/04/2012 11:17:40 by demografx »

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Offline Don_1

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2019 on: 02/04/2012 11:26:45 »
Here in the UK, the government see's it as its duty to keep putting up fuel prices.

As I filled up my tank, chancellor George Osborne said "Well done, and you have been."
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2020 on: 02/04/2012 19:05:25 »
I think chancellor George Osborne also said, "Oil brook no opposition"
« Last Edit: 03/04/2012 01:56:12 by demografx »

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Offline Don_1

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2021 on: 03/04/2012 12:17:05 »
The 'Skull & Crossbones' flew menacingly from the middle mast of the approaching galleon.


"Avast me hearties", said the captain.
"A vast what?" retorted the 1st mate.
"They be after our cargo of ferrous metal." The Captain declared.
The crew looked on in horror and Botswain Higgs said, "You mean, they be Iron Pyrites?"
Ooo arrr.
« Last Edit: 03/04/2012 16:04:14 by Don_1 »
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline damocles

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2022 on: 03/04/2012 13:17:32 »
This one really happened:
There had been a few scandals involving ministers of one of our State Governments. The then premier went to one of his regular press conferences. After a few questions on more innocuous topics had been dealt with, a young reporter opened with
--"Mr Premier, you must be aware of allegations that have been made against ..."
He was interrupted with
--"Allegations? What allegations? Who are these allegators?"
« Last Edit: 03/04/2012 13:20:58 by damocles »
1 4 6 4 1
4 4 9 4 4     
a perfect perfect square square
6 9 6 9 6
4 4 9 4 4
1 4 6 4 1

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Offline Don_1

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2023 on: 03/04/2012 15:44:07 »
--"Allegations? What allegations? Who are these allegators?"

I could see that one caiman a mile off.
« Last Edit: 03/04/2012 15:45:56 by Don_1 »
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline Don_1

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2024 on: 03/04/2012 15:50:40 »
This one really happened:
There had been a few scandals involving ministers of one of our State Governments. The then premier went to one of his regular press conferences. After a few questions on more innocuous topics had been dealt with, a young reporter opened with
--"Mr Premier, you must be aware of allegations that have been made against ..."
He was interrupted with
--"Allegations? What allegations? Who are these allegators?"

Did he go on to say 'I accept I am partly responsible, but I'm not going to gharial the blame.'

Were there crocodile tears in his eyes?

Did he say to the waitress "Give me a crocodile sandwich, and make it snappy." Did she serve the sandwich on nice clean crockery?
« Last Edit: 03/04/2012 15:58:17 by Don_1 »
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2025 on: 03/04/2012 17:48:34 »

Allegations? What allegations? Who are these allegators?


Were there crocodile tears in his eyes?


« Last Edit: 04/04/2012 06:09:11 by demografx »

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2026 on: 04/04/2012 01:15:12 »

Allegations? What allegations? Who are these allegators?


I could see that one caiman a mile off.


A mile off Cuba?
     click ^ above
« Last Edit: 04/04/2012 07:15:52 by demografx »

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Offline Don_1

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2027 on: 04/04/2012 11:01:50 »

Cuban crocodile


I see garments being torn by this creature if the washing is left out. That's your root problem here. Have Anna bring it in to keep it safe.


That's another pun gone up in smoke. Ah well! You win ston, you loose some.
« Last Edit: 04/04/2012 11:11:56 by Don_1 »
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2028 on: 04/04/2012 18:16:16 »

That's another pun gone up in smoke. Ah well! You win ston, you lose some.



Don_1, you can't fool me. Cigars in a washroom are all smoke and mirrors.

« Last Edit: 04/04/2012 19:01:29 by demografx »

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Offline Don_1

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2029 on: 05/04/2012 12:25:24 »

Don_1, you can't fool me. Cigars are all smoke .......


Sounds like ce gar needs a service if its exhaust is all smoke.
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline Don_1

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2030 on: 05/04/2012 12:35:15 »

Don_1, you can't fool me. Cigars in a washroom are all smoke and mirrors.


There wash room in the washroom until some fools started going in there to stick their cigars up their nasal passages. This resulted in the management putting up a huge sign with the legend 'Nose Moking', which got in everyones' way. I complained, saying "Ash a nuisance." But the boss, a Spaniard, said "Ash tres necessario."

(And reverting to the crocodilian puns...)

He went on to say "Itsa Hokay para usted, you don'ta hava to ghary all the ash anda the buttsa out ata the end ofa the day, so itsa cleana para la mañana."

"Mañana?" I questioned, "I think you'll find they are smoking ordinary cigars, nothing remotely 'herbal'".

Which reminds me of the time I nearly got into trouble with drug squad. All I said to the girl was "I want to marry you Anna."
« Last Edit: 05/04/2012 16:17:13 by Don_1 »
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline Don_1

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2031 on: 05/04/2012 16:27:01 »
Walter Raleigh brought cigars to England. Queen Elizabeth declared they were too big after, not realising they should be smoked, had eaten one. So they were made smaller and the cigar eat was born.
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2032 on: 06/04/2012 04:40:55 »

Which reminds me of the time I nearly got into trouble with drug squad.

All I said to the girl was "I want to marry you Anna."



It was even more dangerous for you than you think.

The drug squad was suspicious because Anna is a woman of such distinguished courage and ability, and she's widely admired and emulated for her brave deeds and noble qualities.

In short, a heroine!

Good thing the marriage was annulled.
« Last Edit: 06/04/2012 06:29:31 by demografx »

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2033 on: 06/04/2012 05:05:28 »

Don_1, you can't fool me. Cigars are all smoke .......


Sounds like ce gar needs a service if its exhaust is all smoke.


Ce gas/petrol is all it needs.

So now I must find some celf service petrol/gas.

Ce gap is only good for hip jeans.
« Last Edit: 07/04/2012 17:57:51 by demografx »

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Offline Don_1

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2034 on: 06/04/2012 12:12:31 »

It was even more dangerous for you than you think.

The drug squad was suspicious because Anna is a woman of such distinguished courage and ability, and she's widely admired and emulated for her brave deeds and noble qualities.

In short, a heroine!


Oh L, S D last thing I expected.

I am fetter mineself to the ball and chain.
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2035 on: 07/04/2012 01:21:07 »
« Last Edit: 07/04/2012 01:22:58 by demografx »

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2036 on: 07/04/2012 01:29:26 »
April is:
International Guitar Month
http://www.guitarsite.com/newsletters/000327/9.shtml

I'm not bragging, but soon after I join any band as a guitarist, I am instrumental.
« Last Edit: 08/04/2012 00:54:00 by demografx »

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Offline Donnah

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2037 on: 07/04/2012 02:51:05 »
This one really happened:
There had been a few scandals involving ministers of one of our State Governments. The then premier went to one of his regular press conferences. After a few questions on more innocuous topics had been dealt with, a young reporter opened with
--"Mr Premier, you must be aware of allegations that have been made against ..."
He was interrupted with
--"Allegations? What allegations? Who are these allegators?"
That's quite a tail.  The reporter must have been looking for a snappy story she could sink her teeth into.
"Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms." - Audrey Hepburn

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2038 on: 07/04/2012 09:34:11 »

The reporter must have been looking for a snappy story she could sink her teeth into.



Yes. Just like this reporter!


« Last Edit: 07/04/2012 17:52:22 by demografx »

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2039 on: 07/04/2012 19:47:28 »

There wash room in the washroom until some fools started going in there to stick their cigars up their nasal passages. This resulted in the management putting up a huge sign with the legend 'Nose Moking', which got in everyones' way. I complained, saying "Ash a nuisance." But the boss, a Spaniard, said "Ash tres necessario."





"NOSE MOKING"!!!!!!

     

Don_1's poignant post is soooooooooo deserving of the INTERNATIONAL WRCNA! (Wash Room Cigar Nose Ashtray) Award Of 2012!

Congratulations, Don!
Demografx
Sr. WRCNA AwardFinder
Dated this 1st Day of April, Year 2012
(no fooling!)
« Last Edit: 08/04/2012 01:00:21 by demografx »

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2040 on: 07/04/2012 19:50:24 »

"I want to marry you Anna."


She said no.

So now you want to ban Anna?

Is that truly the most fruitful way to proceed?

You just might benefit by cherrypicking from a number of different ways to go with your annarexic fixation.

There are many choices in a democracy: we do not live in annarchy.

Perhaps psychoannalysis can help here?

« Last Edit: 08/04/2012 01:33:19 by demografx »

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2041 on: 08/04/2012 01:31:12 »

--"Allegations? What allegations? Who are these allegators?"


That's quite a tail.



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Offline Don_1

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2042 on: 08/04/2012 13:07:12 »

I'm not bragging, but soon after I join any band as a guitarist, I am instrumental.


That's not the way I heard it. I am lead to believe that the rest of the group told you to guit ar of it and not to come back. I also understand some pretty bass language was used and some obtuse innuendo. They can be quite rye them boy bands.

I am no defender of them, in fact, I gib some of them as good as I get. My tongue can be so hot, it burns. Now, les pull together to get Demo into a boy band. I'm fed up with his fretting.

Ishmael Rabanowitz, the celebrated Israeli engineer, designed the worlds largest suspension bridge in the classical style. I said to him, "Wow, that bridge has quite a span Ishmael!"

See those puns, I just plec trum out of thin air.
« Last Edit: 08/04/2012 14:39:55 by Don_1 »
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline Don_1

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2043 on: 08/04/2012 13:12:07 »

Don_1's poignant post is soooooooooo deserving of the INTERNATIONAL WRCNA! (Wash Room Cigar Nose Ashtray) Award Of 2012!


I am touched; I think you may be too!

LOOK OUT, its the men in white coats!
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2044 on: 08/04/2012 13:15:23 »

There are many choices in a democracy: we do not live in annarchy.


I always thought that annarchy unlocked the door to her bedroom.
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2045 on: 09/04/2012 04:17:19 »

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2046 on: 09/04/2012 04:24:41 »
April 9, 2012 is:
Dyngus Day
(First Monday after Easter)
http://www.dyngusdaybuffalo.com/whatisdyngusday.html


Did you hear about the frog who traced his family history to Warsaw?

He was a tad Polish.

And the frog wore a very nice polka-dotted shirt.

« Last Edit: 09/04/2012 07:07:09 by demografx »

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2047 on: 09/04/2012 06:23:23 »

Walter Raleigh brought cigars to England. Queen Elizabeth declared they were too big after, not realising they should be smoked, had eaten one. So they were made smaller and the cigar eat was born.


I thought it was because of food and sex:

Queen Elizabeth always enjoyed a nice smoke (the smaller the better) after sex (the larger the better).

She indulged in said sex+smoking immediately after eating a hearty meal, thus the cigar ate was born.
« Last Edit: 11/04/2012 23:30:51 by demografx »

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2048 on: 09/04/2012 15:29:01 »

See those puns, I just plec trum out of thin air.


Yes, just like me on the guitar, you certainly know how to pick 'em!
« Last Edit: 10/04/2012 07:22:50 by demografx »

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2049 on: 10/04/2012 07:32:13 »

There are many choices in a democracy: we do not live in annarchy.


I always thought that annarchy unlocked the door to her bedroom.


Oh, let's not get annal about this...
« Last Edit: 11/04/2012 23:33:54 by demografx »