Punning is hard(ly) work! Is groaning aloud here?

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Offline Don_1

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2100 on: 25/04/2012 08:18:17 »

You mean grimm tails? Will we ever get away from dinosaurs, alligators, and crocodiles?


Here's a rather grim tail:


Doh! Its a Stegosaurus, so sorry chaps. I just di no what came over me.
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline Don_1

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2101 on: 25/04/2012 08:38:29 »

My wife asked me to remove a picture from over the fireplace.

It was an off-the-wall remark.

Had she asked you to replace it with a whiteboard, that would have been truly remarkable
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline Variola

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2102 on: 25/04/2012 08:58:58 »
Hmmm....

You have missed my intellectual input haven't you?  ;D
  A potty-mouthed, impertinent female who thinks she is God's gift to men" -JimBob

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2103 on: 25/04/2012 20:08:12 »

Hmmm....


You have missed my intellectual input haven't you?  ;D


Variola, you leave me speechless.

And breathless.

Great balls of fire!


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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2104 on: 25/04/2012 22:45:27 »

My wife asked me to remove a picture from over the fireplace.

It was an off-the-wall remark.



Had she asked you to replace it with a whiteboard, that would have been truly remarkable



« Last Edit: 26/04/2012 23:33:13 by demografx »

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Offline demografx

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« Last Edit: 26/04/2012 00:44:15 by demografx »

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2106 on: 26/04/2012 00:39:12 »

Will we ever get away from dinosaurs, alligators, and crocodiles?


Not all the while you, Jimbob and Don are on here...  ;) :P



« Last Edit: 26/04/2012 00:42:18 by demografx »

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2107 on: 26/04/2012 01:24:35 »


I have developed a habit of drinking brake fluid, but I should be able to stop at any time.


A man of your caliper will never brake the habit.

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Offline Don_1

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2108 on: 26/04/2012 10:41:35 »

A man of your caliper will never brake the habit.


American English version
What are you? Some sort of hood?

Queen's English version
What are you? Some sort of bonnet?

Hmmm, that doesn't work, does it. Gimme a brake, I'll pad out this post a little.

I asked my Jewish friend for his opinion. He looked me in the eye, then Manny folded his arms and said, "Consumption of that stuff wont do you any good. You'll soon become exhausted." I asked if he thought it might do me harm and he replied, "I di no, sores*** could develop on your lips which might be wheely uncomfortable."

I'm wheely clutching at straws here.

Queen's English version
His Wife, is a right old boot.

American English version
His wife is a right old trunk.

Now see how the American English version is so proboscistuous. Heaven nose why.

She wears some far out gear and had bought a pair of socks which were the wrong size for her, so was giving them to my wife. "Ah yes," I said, "diesel fitt 'er."


*** Who let the dinosaurs back in? I'll throttle him. Could have been that used car dealer Ed. Ed sel's some right old lemons.
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline Don_1

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2109 on: 26/04/2012 10:59:36 »
American English version

Its a gas, isn't it.

Queen's English version

Its a petrol, isn't it.


Please don't give me the bird over that one.
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline Hadrian

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2110 on: 26/04/2012 11:32:52 »
How's the crack.... (Ireland fun)

what the quality of the drugs like man.......(USA)

 ^

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2111 on: 26/04/2012 18:09:25 »

I'm wheely clutching at straws here.




« Last Edit: 26/04/2012 18:17:39 by demografx »

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2112 on: 26/04/2012 18:13:55 »

How's the crack.... (Ireland fun)

what the quality of the drugs like man.......(USA)

 ^



On my last airline flight, I was curious about our climbing altitude, so I asked the pilot how high he would get.

The pilot replied, 'I don't do drugs.'
« Last Edit: 28/04/2012 08:12:28 by demografx »

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2113 on: 26/04/2012 20:36:00 »

A man of your caliper will never brake the habit.


American English version
What are you? Some sort of hood?

Queen's English version
What are you? Some sort of bonnet?

Hmmm, that doesn't work, does it. Gimme a brake, I'll pad out this post a little.

I asked my Jewish friend for his opinion. He looked me in the eye, then Manny folded his arms and said, "Consumption of that stuff wont do you any good. You'll soon become exhausted." I asked if he thought it might do me harm and he replied, "I di no, sores*** could develop on your lips which might be wheely uncomfortable."

I'm wheely clutching at straws here.

Queen's English version
His Wife, is a right old boot.

American English version
His wife is a right old trunk.

Now see how the American English version is so proboscistuous. Heaven nose why.

She wears some far out gear and had bought a pair of socks which were the wrong size for her, so was giving them to my wife. "Ah yes," I said, "diesel fitt 'er."


*** Who let the dinosaurs back in? I'll throttle him. Could have been that used car dealer Ed. Ed sel's some right old lemons.



I wheely think Don_1 auto have this Award!
« Last Edit: 26/04/2012 20:40:29 by demografx »

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2114 on: 26/04/2012 20:38:15 »

Please don't give me the bird over that one.


I'll just give you the crow.*

(Crow is a four-letter bird.)



*With hugs, of course




« Last Edit: 26/04/2012 21:08:13 by demografx »

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Offline Don_1

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2115 on: 27/04/2012 10:11:39 »



I wheely think Don_1 auto have this Award!

Gosh! Another award. Can TNS afFord it? Let's not dodge the issue, if their bank account is anything like mine, it will be devoid of funds most of the time and the banks charger lot for an overdraft. How often I look at my statement and I chrys ler account has got vaux hall in it!

Just this morning I had to forego my morning cuppa because the caddy lacks tea bags. Breakfast was non existant too, no bread, no rice. I missed my usual rolls & royce Its enough to drive you round the benz. But I just cit roen my rocking chair out on the porsche watching volks as they wag on by. Like the young mum from a few doors away taking her kiddy to school. I'm kind of fhond a her.

Aye see, cobras isn't it. But I must 'ang on to every hope for the future.

By the way, re nault money, I am not begging here. That would be a cardinal sin.

(Explanation of this dubious pun:
Cardinal = Cardinal Wolsey = Cardinal Wolseley = Wolseley Motors.
)

All rather austintacious isn't it. Mor risky than ever before. But I shall emerge triumphant, settle down and no more shall I be a rover.

Did I mention, the wife nearly bought me a BMW............

She bought me a BMX and said "On yer bike!"
« Last Edit: 27/04/2012 10:18:16 by Don_1 »
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline Don_1

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2116 on: 27/04/2012 10:22:44 »

Please don't give me the bird over that one.


I'll just give you the crow.

(Crow is a four-letter bird.)


What are you raven on about?
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline Don_1

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2117 on: 27/04/2012 10:26:39 »

.............. I asked the pilot how high he would get.

The pilot replied, 'I don't do drugs.'


That was hardly the altitude to take was it!
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2118 on: 27/04/2012 15:20:55 »



I wheely think Don_1 auto have this Award!

Gosh! Another award. Can TNS afFord it? Let's not dodge the issue, if their bank account is anything like mine, it will be devoid of funds most of the time and the banks charger lot for an overdraft. How often I look at my statement and I chrys ler account has got vaux hall in it!

Just this morning I had to forego my morning cuppa because the caddy lacks tea bags. Breakfast was non existant too, no bread, no rice. I missed my usual rolls & royce Its enough to drive you round the benz. But I just cit roen my rocking chair out on the porsche watching volks as they wag on by. Like the young mum from a few doors away taking her kiddy to school. I'm kind of fhond a her.

Aye see, cobras isn't it. But I must 'ang on to every hope for the future.

By the way, re nault money, I am not begging here. That would be a cardinal sin.

(Explanation of this dubious pun:
Cardinal = Cardinal Wolsey = Cardinal Wolseley = Wolseley Motors.
)

All rather austintacious isn't it. Mor risky than ever before. But I shall emerge triumphant, settle down and no more shall I be a rover.

Did I mention, the wife nearly bought me a BMW............

She bought me a BMX and said "On yer bike!"


Now T H I S  is a car punning post that will drive us all crazy. uh, I mean...to undreamed of heights!

VERY WELL DONE, DON_1!!!
« Last Edit: 28/04/2012 01:12:00 by demografx »

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2119 on: 27/04/2012 15:21:49 »
WHAT??? Another DNA Day! This is blatant prejudice.

Stand up for the rites of RNA.




No clever remarks. Just pretty RNA pics.
« Last Edit: 27/04/2012 15:57:35 by demografx »

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2120 on: 27/04/2012 15:56:13 »

.............. I asked the pilot how high he would get.
J
The pilot replied, 'I don't do drugs.'


That was hardly the altitude to take was it!


Don, I imagine that your difficult decision to become a pilot was up in the air for a while.
« Last Edit: 29/04/2012 03:06:26 by demografx »

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2121 on: 27/04/2012 16:11:40 »

Gosh! Another award.

Can TNS afFord it?


No.

But TNS' CFO-comptroller is both religious and dyslexus, so he prays to his dog for your Car Award money.
« Last Edit: 30/04/2012 03:06:24 by demografx »

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2122 on: 30/04/2012 02:29:14 »
It's April - we have only one more day to celebrate:
Car Care Month

Care for your car or suffer the carnsequences?


(TNS' company car)
« Last Edit: 30/04/2012 03:00:23 by demografx »

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Offline Don_1

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2123 on: 30/04/2012 10:29:25 »
The wife and I always look after our car's chasis. Oh yes, car cares us.

Sue, the retired woman across the street, maintains her car on her retirement fund. Sue's pension just about covers the cost, then its exhausted. She rants and raves about it and its no use trying to silence 'er. I tried to tell her how Linda manages. "See Linda,
she's tearing up the road without problems, and oil be doing the same soon".

My auntie frees herself of such worries by using buses.

A new friend of President Eisenhower once went on record as saying, "My new mate Ike tyres of travel quickly.
« Last Edit: 30/04/2012 10:30:58 by Don_1 »
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline Don_1

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2124 on: 30/04/2012 10:56:17 »
The Queen and the Prince of Wales have nice cars.

Elizabeth II has a plush Rolls Royce and as for Chas, 'is choice is an Aston Martin.
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline Don_1

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2125 on: 30/04/2012 11:03:22 »

.............. I asked the pilot how high he would get.
J
The pilot replied, 'I don't do drugs.'


That was hardly the altitude to take was it!


Don, I imagine that your difficult decision to become a pilot was up in the air for a while.


I was a tad fearful that someone might try to chute me down.
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2126 on: 30/04/2012 14:39:31 »
I didn't know you cared that much!

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2127 on: 30/04/2012 14:49:12 »
Tomorrow begins the month of May:
Carrots and Cauliflower Month
http://www.fruitsandveggiesmatter.gov/month/index.html


When vegetables want to talk to petunias, they use a cell phone and cauliflower.
« Last Edit: 01/05/2012 02:08:26 by demografx »

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2128 on: 30/04/2012 14:54:10 »
My car rots when the battery's dead.
« Last Edit: 30/04/2012 22:29:33 by demografx »

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Offline Karen W.

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2129 on: 01/05/2012 00:07:18 »
[attachment=16333]


"NOW THATS WHAT I CALL A CLOSE SHAVE.." AND "QUITE A GRATING EXPERIENCE!...." LOL....TALK ABOUT...."I'M GONNA SKIN YOUR HIDE.....!!!" BETTER YET.. "SKINNED
ALIVE...." LOL...LOL... "Whoops, I forgot to ask you if you wanted that little spud grated or sliced?..." LOL..LOL
« Last Edit: 01/05/2012 00:11:03 by Karen W. »

"Life is not measured by the number of Breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2130 on: 01/05/2012 00:51:21 »

Karen, is THAT what Don was worried about when he said...
I was a tad fearful that someone might try to chute me down.



« Last Edit: 01/05/2012 00:54:22 by demografx »

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2131 on: 01/05/2012 02:03:28 »

I was a tad fearful that someone might try to chute me down.



Don't chute me for this, but did you know that the chicken crossed the playground to get to the other slide?

« Last Edit: 01/05/2012 02:11:50 by demografx »

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Offline Don_1

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2132 on: 01/05/2012 10:00:44 »
[attachment=16333]

I think its grate great.
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline Don_1

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2133 on: 01/05/2012 10:17:34 »
Tomorrow begins the month of May:
Carrots and Cauliflower Month
http://www.fruitsandveggiesmatter.gov/month/index.html

Does that mean we are in for another ear'ole bashing on the '5 a day' concept? We'll all end up with cauliflower ears.

Why aren't greens and parsnips included? This is yet another case of blatant prejudice.

Father Manny Cohen is the priest/rabbi of a bi-religious church/synagogue. He performs confessions, christenings, bar mitzvahs and circumcisions. He is affectionately known as Par Snips.
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline Don_1

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2134 on: 01/05/2012 10:21:56 »
My car rots when the battery's dead.

Aye cid gest you top up the battery.
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline Don_1

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2135 on: 01/05/2012 10:54:52 »
I had a German sausage for breakfast today, it was the wurst I have ever tasted. The wife waffled something about complaining to the butcher, but I said I didn't need her to egg me on. The butcher asked if I had grilled the sausage, I repied to her enquiry "No marm I laid it on yon frying pan, though there wasn't mush room, it cooked OK."
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline daveman

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2136 on: 01/05/2012 13:56:40 »
One might think that sauce-age is made of meat, but it's also something you can put on potatoes or icecream.
How does Murphey do it??

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2137 on: 01/05/2012 15:06:18 »

Father Manny Cohen is the priest/rabbi of a bi-religious church/synagogue. He performs confessions, christenings, bar mitzvahs and circumcisions. He is affectionately known as Par Snips.


Father Cohen's assistant's salary is not much, but she makes up for it in tips.

« Last Edit: 01/05/2012 15:12:47 by demografx »

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2138 on: 01/05/2012 16:08:42 »

Why aren't greens and parsnips included?

This is yet another case of blatant prejudice.


January is parsnips month.

But I can assure you that there is no pearjudice in this fruit/veggie monthly selection.

Be confident that the selection committee is pearfectly unbiased.

« Last Edit: 01/05/2012 16:25:33 by demografx »

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Offline Don_1

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2139 on: 01/05/2012 17:04:49 »
On this date, I have figured out that you have gone utterly bananas.

I don't want this post to get ugly, but I am passionate about fruit and treat it as the star of the table, pudding it above all else.

Stone me, I'm plum tuckered out.

Ooer, another Americanism.
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2140 on: 01/05/2012 23:10:28 »

I didn't need her to egg me on.


As we can all see, this is clearly an ego issue.

« Last Edit: 03/05/2012 04:18:22 by demografx »

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2141 on: 01/05/2012 23:19:04 »
One might think that sauce-age is made of meat, but it's also something you can put on potatoes or icecream.



I respectfully pass : - )


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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2142 on: 02/05/2012 03:45:19 »

On this date, I have figured out that you have gone utterly bananas.


Why? Don't I help to regularly prune this thread and throw out a pit or two?
« Last Edit: 02/05/2012 15:05:22 by demografx »

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Offline Don_1

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2143 on: 02/05/2012 10:23:35 »
One might think that sauce-age is made of meat, but it's also something you can put on potatoes or icecream.



I respectfully pass : - )



Do my eyes decieve me or are there peas on that cone?

"M - u - m, M - u - u - m, Mum, Demo's put pea on my ice cream."

"WHAT!!! Demo's pee'ed on your ice cream? Wait 'til I get my hands on him!"



Actually, it looks like a genuine Heston Blumenthal concoction. He's a blumen nut case.
« Last Edit: 02/05/2012 10:50:59 by Don_1 »
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline Don_1

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2144 on: 02/05/2012 10:45:02 »

On this date, I have figured out that you have gone utterly bananas.


Why? Don't I help to regularly prune this thread and throw out a pit or two?

On balance, yes, I suppose you could say so.

As a reward, here's a clip of Prunella Scales
« Last Edit: 02/05/2012 10:51:55 by Don_1 »
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline Don_1

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2145 on: 02/05/2012 11:30:05 »
It would appear that May is National Egg Month in the USA.

I do hope you all have a cracking good time. All bu men should scramble words to make funny yolks & puns. It should be easy over*** there to do this. So keep your sunny side up and make merry, but please don't poach any material.

Shell out a few dollars on fancy dress and come let the fun begin. Let your nest egg of humour be openned wide.

Perhaps it might be an idea to cook your eggon the Ronay side, but don't let it run all down your front when you eat it.


***Yet another Americanism. I really must yank myself back into British idiotms.
If brains were made of dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose.

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2146 on: 02/05/2012 15:12:49 »

Today is Demo Pear Day.

No biased selection here!

No ego involved!


Reminder to self: destroy all evidence of this post below ---
This is yet another case of blatant prejudice.
But I can assure you that there is no pearjudice in this fruit/veggie monthly selection.
Be confident that the selection committee is pearfectly unbiased.

« Last Edit: 03/05/2012 05:32:03 by demografx »

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2147 on: 02/05/2012 15:20:25 »

It looks like a genuine Heston Blumenthal concoction. He's a blumen nut case.



Blumenthal's restaurant                                        Blumenthal levitating veggies

You're right. Anyone who calls a house a restaurant and levitates veggies must be a blumen nut case.
« Last Edit: 02/05/2012 16:45:10 by demografx »

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2148 on: 02/05/2012 15:34:53 »

As a reward, here's a clip of Prunella Scales


How am I supposed to understand this? It's all with British accents! Will Google-Translate work?????

(I hope TNS doesn't cut my pay for these remarks)
« Last Edit: 02/05/2012 16:06:37 by demografx »

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Offline demografx

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Re: Punning is hard(ly) work! Groaning aloud here?
« Reply #2149 on: 02/05/2012 15:43:34 »
It would appear that May is National Egg Month in the USA.

I do hope you all have a cracking good time. All bu men should scramble words to make funny yolks & puns. It should be easy over*** there to do this. So keep your sunny side up and make merry, but please don't poach any material.

Shell out a few dollars on fancy dress and come let the fun begin. Let your nest egg of humour be openned wide.

Perhaps it might be an idea to cook your eggon the Ronay side, but don't let it run all down your front when you eat it.


***Yet another Americanism. I really must yank myself back into British idiotms.



I don't want egg on my face for neglecting yet another Award to Don~1.

TNS' CFO will be eggsactly furious about this!
« Last Edit: 02/05/2012 15:45:42 by demografx »