[Aemilius]

Did you hear the one about the shark researcher who couldn't decide whether
to buy an expensive shark cage or just take his chances?

He figured that either way.... it was going to cost him an arm and a leg!

[Karen W.]

I was reading the story of Noah to one of our granchildren when I realised he had taken beer on board the ark.
He didn't take very much, just Toucans.

I'm not sure she got the joke, but then not everyone gets my strange sense of humour []

THATS VERY CUTE! I love it!

[Karen W.]

Q: What kind of shoes do frogs prefer?

A: "Open-toad" sandals...

He hee hee...I love that one...Its perfectly right up my alley and at m
my  own speed !!! Lol...

[Karen W.]

Q: What kind of shoes do frogs prefer?

Alternative answer:

"Flip-hops"

Hee hee..thats a good answer too!

[chris]

I think this thread warrants reviving! Some of these jokes are fantastic!

C'mon people, let's have a few more...

[Beeble]

Why don't ants get sick?
Because they have tiny anty bodies!

[chris]

Why don't ants get sick?
Because they have tiny anty bodies!

Now THAT'S a good joke!

[chris]

Since we're now going in an ant direction, here's a follow on:

Q: How do you tell if an ant is male or female?

A: Pop it into a glass of water. If it floats... it must be a boy-ant... 

[jeffreyH]

Q. If Newton and Pythagoras met for lunch what would they eat?
A. Apple pi.

[jeffreyH]

Q. If Newton and a business consultant met for lunch what would they eat?
A. Apple turnover.

[chris]

Liking these very much - keep 'em coming. Hopefully we can create the online "go to place" for people with a warped scientific sense of humour, like me...

[Jolly2]

Democracy 2020 Continued

''Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Today on Jerry Springer Jan 2020:-

'she had my love child, but is denying it and saying it's her husbands'

Jerry: ''O.k so let welcome out Simon''

''Jerry!'' ''Jerry!'' Jerry!''

Jerry: ''you can sit there Simon, ok so you're Simon Smythenecj, can you tell us a little about your self and your situation?''

Simon: ''Yes Jerry, thank you for having me, my situation is a bit complicated, I have been having a affair with a married women for a long time now, 6 months ago she gave birth to a baby and it was clearly mine, the date of conception for example was during a summit in Athens that we both attended''

Jerry: ''Summit in Athens? can you tell us a little about what you do?''

Simon: ''Yes I'm a member of the British Parliment, my actual title is the secretary of state of hoovering the lounge bar every other Wednesday and secound thursday respectively''

Jerry: ''respectively? Respective to what?''

Simon: "Respective to hoover bag availability, they cut my budget by 5% every week for the last two years, I believe I currently own the government about 2 million pounds, Thank God for hyper-mega-inflation! and 50% negative interest really dont see why it bothers people''

Jerry: ''Righhttt, ok so you say that the women you had an affiar with in athens, has had your child.''

Simon: ''Yes, it's quiet clearly mine''

Jerry: ''Well, her husband doesn't agree! and he's here, So! Please welcome Jason Thryatski the secretary of state for arse kissing Neo-Enron.''

''Come here! you mother fucjer!!! Vjgfn(scuffingly noises) sdflofn

''JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!''

Jerry: ''order! order!''

Jerry: "Ok calm down, so what do you say about all this Jason?"

Jason: "Well Jerry this is clearly a smear campaign"

Jerry: "Why do you believe that?"

Jason: "Well, the right honourable secretary of state of hoovering the lounge bar every other wednesday and secound thursday respectively, has always been envious of the fact that I have the safest seat in the country"

Simon: "I would too, if arsed kissed neo-ENRON!"

Jason: "That has nothing to do with it, you know as well as me, the amount of people that voted for me in the last election"

Simon: "Yes, two hundred, ok go on about it some more!"

Jerry Jerry Jerry!

Not really sure how this joke ends, oh ofcourse, the blood test! JERRY JERRY JERRY!

Honestly not as bad as I thought it might be...

Democracy in 2020

[Jolly2]

So it's MILO everyone... and the answer to the why is this not a duet?

Cough*

I know you said 'dont worry',
But I could see it was a lie,
All the friends I watched you bury
                                 Bury bury bury
It also keeps me up at night
                       Night night night
You said everytime you loved someone they break
I'd rather not, die, there by, your steak...


Sooo why did I go?  you should know, it's just so

And I wanna be moany but know please.
I wont come "home"
Dont need a psycho for a wife

......

From the moment that I met you I just wanted to forget you..
And now I'll never get too..

[Jolly2]

Clunk, clunk, clunk

Robo-regulator-bot: "cough*..."

Fans: " It's robot regulator bot!"

Robo regulator bot: "If you're thinking about conducting insider trading, don't"

Clunck, clunck, clunck...

[Jolly2]

  CORONA DERBY... in progress...

HoST: "so welcome everyone to the first annual Corona derby and what interesting line up we have.
 In gate one: 'it's just the flu bro' ridden by an MD apparently. Oldest horse in the race"

Co host: "but it does have all four legs Jim"

JiM " that is true Sessal probably not gonna be total washout. In gate 2 we find 'Masonic Evil' dark steed with glowing red eyes"

Sessal: "apparently there big red horsey contacts for effect jim"

Jim "and the smoke comming out its nose?"  *Sessal shrugs*

Jim: "jockey is apparently hiding, in gate 3 we have 'those wall street bas%%ds" interesting name with jockey to be announced.  Apparently the owners have put a trillion dollar bet on every horse racing and both ways."

Sessal: " well you can't take it with you jimmy"

Jim: "that's very true, gate 4 we have 'it's all a lie' apparently David icke has sponsored this horse with the proceeds of his last book"

Sessal: "is that why it only has 3 legs?"

Jim: "could be Sessal, gate 5 we have 'accidental escape' rider has demanded that he be allowed to wear a Winne the pooh costume."

Sessal: "what?"

Jim: "I have no idea I'm just announcing apparently the jockey likes winne the pooh, in gate six we see 'Cant we just blame Trump'
with progressive training program apparently the horse and jockey can both count."

Sessal "impressive, also 4 legs"

Jim "Gate 7 we find  'special release' apparently the security services of America, China, Russia and Vietnam are all fighting who will jockey"

Sessal: "maybe we should add a few gates"

Jim " And last but not least, Gate 8 'oh how i love bat soup'

[Jolly2]

    CORONA DERBY... in progress...

HoST: "so welcome everyone to the first annual Corona derby and what interesting line up we have.
 In gate one: 'it's just the flu bro' ridden by an MD apparently. Oldest horse in the race"

Co host: "but it does have all four legs Jim"

JiM " that is true Sessal probably not gonna be total washout. In gate 2 we find 'Masonic Evil' dark steed with glowing red eyes"

Sessal: "apparently there big red horsey contacts for effect jim"

Jim "and the smoke comming out its nose?"  *Sessal shrugs*

Jim: "jockey is apparently hiding, in gate 3 we have 'those wall street bas%%ds" interesting name with jockey to be announced.  Apparently the owners have put a trillion dollar bet on every horse racing and both ways."

Sessal: " well you can't take it with you jimmy"

Jim: "that's very true, gate 4 we have 'it's all a lie' apparently David icke has sponsored this horse with the proceeds of his last book"

Sessal: "is that why it only has 3 legs?"

Jim: "could be Sessal, gate 5 we have 'accidental escape' rider has demanded that he be allowed to wear a Winne the pooh costume."

Sessal: "what?"

Jim: "I have no idea I'm just announcing apparently the jockey likes winne the pooh, in gate six we see 'Cant we just blame Trump'
with progressive training program apparently the horse and jockey can both count."

Sessal "impressive, also 4 legs"

Jim "Gate 7 we find  'special release' apparently the security services of America, China, Russia and France are all fighting who will jockey"

Sessal: "maybe we should add a few gates Jim..."

Jim "umm... how many countries have bio weapons labs?

Sessal: "I think 16 last count"

Jim: "Ok maybe we can just wait for the winner, cut to three hours of towel shack....

Commmme down to towel Snack. We got big towels, little towels towels for towels, towel jingle towel jingle, for me and youuu ....

Jim: " And we're back, I do love a good towel Sessal"

Sessal "almost as much as toilet paper"

Jim: "So after 3 stabbings, 2 shooting, one suicide bomb, poisoned drinks at cocktail party and an exploding watch, nice one Q section. It looks like a French men will be jockeying 'Special  release' possible triple agent and a certainty that should he win another 16 horse bout will be in the making 5 to 1 it's 'special release'

Gate 8 we have 'oh how i love bat soup' ridden by a grandmother of 1 and proud owner of a pet rock.

Gate 9 and ofcourse get ready for the meme of screaming teenagers the only donkey in the race 'It was the JEWs!' Bo shekel.

Sessal: "Well no conspiracy race would be complete without the Jews Jimmy.  Rabbi banker to ride seems a like it's in with a chance."

Jim: "and finally  last but not least with dreams of a digital society it's the only cyborg horse in the Race 'the mountain Bill" rider has been chosen from a coding competition.

[Jolly2]

        GATE GATE

Reporter: "Why is there no underwater sea people in your race?"

Me: "what?"

Reporter: "I have it on good authority you recently met an underwater sea person, is that true?
 
Me: "What?"

Reporter "where is the underwater sea peoples magic base?

Me: "sorry who are you?"

Reporter "I'm a reporter from cloud city gizzet"


 

[Jolly2]

Unbelievable,   


Anyway....

Welcome to Tucker Carlson Tonight we here at the show understand that many of you may well be troubled by the events surrounding the recent dumpster fire we call an election, I personally today have recieved 50 telephone calls from Nancy Pelosi begging me to try and help convince Trump to concede the election, there is ofcourse nothing out of the ordinary there as Nancy Pelosi often calls begging me to stop talking.

By  anyway as the carnival is in town I thought we could take a moment to look at the many dogs that voted, here is a photo of a chiwowa called B...

FOX NEWS IS INTERRUPTING THIS REPORT DUE TO FAKE NEWS CONCERNS.... and now we go to the Bunker to find out what Joe Biden plans to do before he bombs Syria.

[Jolly2]

At the office.

"Frank, why did you let the wolf of wallsteeets brother design the education system?"

"What's the problem? Seems like he did a good job,  in the end kids only go to school so they can be trained to work for us and make money for the shareholders. Overall it's going well isnt it?"

"Well Frank I'm have a slight concern that indoctrinating kids into these "woke" ideas about gender bathrooms  and such like as a means to direct thier activity and distract them from other social issues like war, political persecution,  economic injustice, or even mass incarceration to name a few, might actually be back firing on us."

"How so?"

"Well I just tried to use the bathroom but it's apparently only for rainbow  unicorns"

"James we just build 50 new bathrooms to accommodate all genders, well most genders"

"That's really nice Frank but as a cis white Male I have apparently had gender bathroom since the dawn of history and am no longer entitled to use any bathroom, anywhere, in retribution of historic injustice, seeking to ignore the sign and claiming to be rainbow unicorn,  the janitor stopped me called me a nazi and promptly gave me a giant man nappy, saying "there's your new toilet, you oppressive cis git!"

[Jolly2]

Little rhymes..


Swamp thing

U make my heart sink

U make everything shifty

Swamp thing I just dont like you

Soo I'm gonna goo 4 sure

On N on you anit right

Dont like you

Swamp THING!

U MAKE MY HEART SINK

YA MAKE EVERYTHIN SHIFTY

(Recorder player in da house)

Swamp thing you wanna remove me

So I'm gonna go for sure

Come on one last fight

You deluded nightmare

Swamp thing!

You make my heart sink.

You make everything shifty

Wild thing,

Oh my oh my wild things

Fake it fake it

Wild things


.......

Song is dedicated to AOC and her possible decision to leave politics